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“I’m not even going to ask how this happened,” Pepper says, after she’s calmed down a little and the general panic and confusion has abated, and crosses her arms over her suddenly broad chest.
“Don’t look at me,” Tony says, his smug expression doing rather attractive things to Bruce’s face.
She looks over at Bruce, who’s fidgeting in the corner, as much as one can fidget in an $800 Chanel skirt suit.
“I think,” he says slowly, “that when I tried to split myself from Hulk, it didn’t… quite work.” He crosses his arms over his chest as well, then seems to think better of it, glancing down at his new breasts worriedly.
“Does this mean I’m going to Hulk out?” Tony asks.
“Maybe? Just don’t get mad.”
“Why would I get mad? This is awesome! I mean, I knew I was attractive, but goddamn, look how attractive I am!” he says, motioning to Pepper.
Pepper scratches at her goatee - this thing is really itchy. There’s a weight in her chest, too, which feels unpleasant and unnatural, but she elects to ignore that for the time being. “I haven’t been this short since I was twelve,” she says.
“Ugh, shut up,” Tony says, pulling a face. Despite the fact that this is wholly inconvenient - she has a board meeting this afternoon, and Bruce might be able to take on aliens, but investors are a whole different breed - it is kind of fascinating. Bruce isn’t the most facially expressive person in the world, and the way Tony’s natural… exuberance is twisting his face is strangely gratifying.
She moves closer to them, frowning a little as her centre of gravity gets knocked out of alignment. Wow, that is really strange. Tony sniggers.
“I think you got the best deal out of this,” she says. Tony and Bruce are a similar height and build, and he doesn’t have surprising new genitalia to contend with. Her dick (Christ, this was not in the job description when she applied for the PA position a decade ago) twitches a little as she thinks about it, and her eyebrows shoot up. Tony knows what’s up, by the look he’s giving her.
“Hey, I might spontaneously turn into an uncontrollable rage monster, I’ve got problems too.”
“You’d probably enjoy it,” she says.
“I can neither confirm nor deny that,” he says, cocking an eyebrow. “I’ve gotta start working on a goatee, though, that’s important.”
“You are not growing a goatee on my face,” Bruce says sharply, his words carrying more weight for being said in Pepper’s voice.
Tony pouts. “Hey, this is your fault, you supposed genius physicist, I’m just trying to make the best out of a bad situation.”
Bruce wilts. Pepper does not like that look on her. “Yeah, I’m, I’m sorry.” He settles his hands on his legs, then slides them down to his knees, then curls his hands to fists.
“You can touch them, you know,” she says.
“Touch what?”
“My— your— the breasts.”
He purses his lips together and looks down for a moment, then presses his hands to his chest and squeezes gently. “Wow,” he murmurs.
“Damn, I’m getting a really confused boner right now,” Tony says as Bruce continues his careful exploration.
So is Pepper. “Well,” she says, checking the clock, then leaning into them, “I think we owe it to science to properly experiment with this, don’t you, boys?”
Tony licks his lips. “No wonder everyone wants to sleep with me.”