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I met him on a morning of autumn, I do not remember that year and much less that month. I remember being taken to the field of the Jujutsu school building, near a tree in the entrance that I’m not sure was still there when I went for the last time. It was cold and I carried only a beaten notebook and a backpack made in a hurry. In fact, at that time, I remember well that most of the things I did were hurries. I used to run from there to here, always late for something that I at least knew what it was or which direction I should run.
Until the moment my eyes fell on him. He was always a scandalous boy, not only for his appearance but also behavior. He was brought to the bedraggled by the director while he grumbled loudly about something I do not remember well. His eyes took a little time to notice me, a few meters ahead, but when he did. Ah, when he did it, I swear I felt the whole world slow down. It was as if for all my life I was waiting for that moment, that one instant when everything would stop and be silent and everything I could hear and see was, respectively, my heart inside my chest and those bright eyes. It was only the first time I saw him but I already knew that I would never forget him in my life.
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Satoru was an extrovert in all parameters. He was not ashamed to talk about personal matters or show someone vulnerable to me. I think part of that was because he shared the same comfort that I felt in his presence. And another part because, as much as he was extrovert - and of course Satoru Gojo -, he seemed to be just as lonely as I am. Never knew if it was because of his somewhat sneaky personality or if by choice. He seemed to be the kind of person who could have everyone in his palm, but I rarely saw him get what he wanted from people. In fact, he was someone easy to frustrate, and constantly saw him whining about those who did not do his bidding. A big spoiled boy.
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I was never exactly a very consumerist person. I always cherished the basic and valued the simple, but Satoru was the opposite of that. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone spend as much money on unnecessary things as he did that Saturday when he dragged me to the center. We walked for a whole day and the boy looked more like a middle-aged woman who took the companion along to carry his bags. Until we stop at an accessory store and Satoru is completely fascinated. He insisted I pierced him, something I obviously didn’t accept, but when he offered me a pair of stone earrings, I accepted them willingly. He said they matched my eyes and until that moment, I didn’t think he paid much attention to me. We were friends, of course, but a lot of our interactions were about him talking and me listening. It was actually a surprise that he really paid for it. And the earrings really matched very well.
I have never worn any other pair of earrings in my life.
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My first birthday at Jujutso school was an event. I never had a birthday party, but saying that was not enough to stop Satoru from planning a surprise for me in the classroom. He organized our colleagues, bought a cake and party hats, made drawings on the blackboard and sang the music in such a cheerful way that it almost made me appreciate the date. When the last candle was extinguished, everyone gave me some gifts and finally he pulled a small box from his back. It was the size of my hand and had been wrapped in a hurry in a paper with cats drawn.
- as I knew you like simple and neutral things, I decided to bring only a small souvenir, but something that you can always carry with you.
In the box, there was a small white fish keychain.
- is like a lucky charm, to bring you luck in the missions, and out of it too. Look, I have one too! - he showed his, actually black, with a smile from ear to ear.
I never took that amulet off close.
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Satoru had bouts of sentimentality sometimes. I didn’t know how to deal with it, since I never dealt with my own feelings, and dealing with other people’s would have brought an even more frustrating result. But I found it relatively funny, because his behavior was similar to what is expected of a woman days before her menstrual period. He used to enter our room in an absolute silence that was not typical of him, and sat at the edge of the window, releasing a long and noisy sigh that said "ask me what I have to start a philosophical talk that you will think about for weeks or forget it when you wake up tomorrow". I have flashes of some of those times. But once in specifics, just a few months before it all happens.
I was sitting in bed leafing through a boring book that I found at the bottom of my bag, a duvet covering my legs and wearing a dark grey sweatshirt that was a little wide on me. Satoru came in, wearing a dress and pants, but barefoot. He drove so quietly to the window that I only realized that he was already there when the window opened, blowing the cold wind over my face. At that time, he did not let go of the usual sigh. He just stood with both legs out, leaning on the parapet and looking up to the sky. I risked speaking a few seconds later.
- what do you have? - my voice sounded loud in the silence that I was making in the room. He didn’t move a muscle at all. - Satoru? - I asked, finally getting that usual sigh.
- do you think there is life after death, Suguru?
That question caught me off guard. It’s not as if Satoru’s FAQ didn’t turn exactly to this kind of morbid thinking, but his questions used to be... how can I say? Mostly, futile thoughts.
- good - I settled in bed, leaving the book on the bedside. - I believe that there is. Not necessarily in a religious way but perhaps there is a kind of reunion.
I heard the soft sound of his laughter as he lowered his head.
- if there was a post-religious life, I doubt that we would be accepted.
- you I really don’t know for sure but I never did any harm to anyone without it being strictly professional. - I said, trying to keep the relaxation. It didn’t take long for us to fall into that silence again.
- if there is any other life, I hope you find it in it. - your voice came out so weak that I thought I had heard badly.
- I think it’s my destiny to find you in every possible universe, Satoru Gojo.
- shall we be friends in all of them? - he peered me over the shoulder, his blue eyes shining like crystals.
- in each of them. - I saw him smile for a moment and then turn his attention to the sky.
It wasn’t long before I heard the sound of a whimper coming from him. At first I thought it was impression, but after he turned to look at me, I noticed his eyes a little reddish and his face wet with tears. His expression was of pure pain. I had never seen him so fragile as that time. Saw how much his hands trembled and how the sleeves of the social were covered with blood. Supposing what I was going to say, he took off his shirt, all the limbs shaking and threw it in a corner of the room. I took off the sweatshirt that he wore and stretched it out for him, who put it quickly before pulling the duvet away from my legs and lying down next to me so that his head would rest on my chest.
None of us said anything else that night. I wanted to tell him that his body was cold as a corpse, or that he should have closed the window before lying down, or that position was making my spine hurt, but I could not say anything. It took less than 10 minutes for the hiccups to cease and only the heavy breathing that accompanied my chest. Do not know exactly when my hand reached your back and when it passed to your hair, soft and silky. The boy who was born to be the strongest was there, sleeping on my chest after crying like a child. Sleeping as deeply as if I could be the person he most trusted in that world.
The sweatshirt stayed with him until the day I left. I left and took the sweatshirt, but it still smelled like it.
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There was a time when there was no light.
There was only darkness.
All I could see was
Nothing.
Satoru was the light.
I should have held on to your light.
Maybe things would have been different if I had.
But I couldn’t.
Your light was not enough.
For the first time,
he was not the strongest.
Because he could not make me strong like him.
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After the day I left, I thought I could get rid of everything I had left at school and completely remake myself.
Indeed I redid it, but I never really left.
Satoru has cast a curse on me since the first time I laid eyes on him.
I would never forget it.
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I thought he would at least leave me alone after all. I thought he would forget me after all. That’s what I should have done. From the moment I left that place, he should have erased me from everything I remembered. Set fire to any of the things I had left behind. But no. Instead, he left those voice messages. Damn Satoru voice messages! I should have deleted them all. Better, I should never have opened them. Should have gotten rid of the damn phone and never at least thought about it.
I failed. And I listened to each of the voice messages, at least three times a day. Not to forget how your voice sounded in the mailbox.
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The last time we met was a surprise to me. It wasn’t meant to be. I was supposed to be prepared, but I wasn’t. Your voice sounded to my back and my whole body shivered. You looked the same and at the same time, someone else. Which was totally understandable. Like me, he pretended not to be affected by my presence. Satoru may have the six eyes but I know him. I know his lip shakes slightly when he feels nervous, and I saw them pull as soon as I looked at him. We both had the same reaction. But I knew somehow that this would be one of the last times I’d look at him, like this, without being on opposite sides of a war. Sides had not yet been locked that day - though I was about to delimit them. We could have gone out and had a coffee, or just sat down and talked about how we missed each other for the last ten years.
We couldn’t. We would never take it on. Well, I wouldn’t. You took it on.
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Somehow, since I was little I always thought that I could escape death. That I would live forever and be one of the most formidable sorcerers in the world, that I would help many people and be loved by all. I didn’t meet any of these goals. I don’t think any of them became a real priority. Satoru would be impressed to hear me say that I didn’t want to live forever. I think running from death was his thing, not mine. Then that afternoon, when my back slipped down the wall until I found the ground, I was already sure I would die. And God, I desired him so much at that time when he appeared, it sounded like those last meals that life prisoners can demand, or as the wishes that are made on birthdays or for shooting stars. You know, primate stuff.
When he said my name, the voice gripped by tears that he swore he would not shed, I almost let out a sound of relief. Ah, how I liked how my name sounded between his lips. I could hear him speak for hours until I forgot who I was. Maybe it was death giving me that feeling and the taste of metal in my mouth. And when you told me to say my last words, I let them go without even thinking. Squeezed that amulet in my hand and even considered being sincere at the time, but I knew that saying it to him would make everything more difficult. Would make me kill the act harder, and I think my eyes gave me as soon as he approached, facing me. The last image I saw was him, and a smile slipped down my lips.
Last words? Satoru Gojo, I love you. You were the best and only friend I ever had. We will meet in other lives, I promise, and I will be waiting for you in all of them. Try to find me. And I hope that in some of them we can actually be the strongest together.
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