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Maybe it was ignorance. Maybe I was just too in love to see it. Maybe I just didn’t want to see it at all. Looking around the empty walls of this vessel though, I come to wonder if I should have found a way to feel this relaxation sooner. Rationally, I know letting Lucifer in was a brash decision. Something I might not have thought through all the way. Something that might come back to haunt me in the middle of the night. Though maybe not, because if this works... If Lucifer manages to kill The Darkness? I won’t be going anywhere ever. If it doesn’t? Lucifer gets killed, so do I.
Right now though, death doesn’t seem so bad if it feels like this. Huh. Maybe The Darkness was right about one thing, self-loathing seems to be a rather prominent trait in me, but scared to die? No, not at the moment anyway. I’m sure at the time, that second when she looked me in the eyes after consuming that poor angel, who’s name I didn’t even know, I was more scared to die then I may have ever been. It wasn’t because of what she thought though. Truly, I was scared that if I wasn’t there, Dean would be in danger. That without my divine protection he would have to do things that would kill him.
Maybe it was then that I started to realize.
“Maybe we do have a lot in common. We're both expendable.”
“Expendable?”
“You know, number crunchers. That’s why they sent you here right? To see if The Darkness is dead? If she is, great we’re alive, if not.. We’re dead. I know I’m not important though, the higher ups are the important ones. You? From what I hear, Sam and Dean are the real heroes, not you.”
I refrain from telling her that I am only here because it would be dangerous for Dean to come. That if he came and The Darkness was alive, he would be in more danger than me. Dean is strong, immensely strong in fact, but he lacked the extreme power angel grace possessed. The Darkness could kill him in an instant. Me though, I could flash away, right?
The Darkness is powerful, but she couldn’t stop me from flashing away. Then again, she has been sucking out souls since she was a child, an infant in fact, beside that she is the sister of God. All of our father, the one who created this world and then abandoned it. So just how much power could she possess? Enough to stop him from getting away? Well if that was true, then in the end it didn’t matter if it was I who was more powerful then Dean, in the end both of us would die if we ran into her- wait no. It did matter who came though. Dean is more important than-
“Are you coming?”
“You keep going I’ll catch up”
Dean is more important than me.
Yes it must have been then that the pieces started to click together. That it was me who they sacrificed for the missions that had the highest chance of death. Really, right now I should be angry at them, angry at Dean. For using me as the expendable one, the one who would do anything to protect both of them, the one who sacrificed their whole family for him already, so what is my life worth anyway now?
Except I’m not angry. I’m just confused, disappointed, sad, heart-broken, forlorn, hurt, and crest-fallen, right now it feels like every possible synonym to the word dejected is meant to describe me. At this moment it already had felt as if death had come, even though I am fretfully alive and being used as a vessel for Lucifer.
If I listen close enough it sounded as if the devil’s laughter rang through this odd empty box. This box, that if I look at the walls close enough, I can see souls, faces, and what used to be life pulsing through the steel. I haven’t dared touch the walls, but if I did I would more than wager that I would be able to feel warmth and catch a pulse.
Sometimes, I like to wonder what would have happened if Dean had never seen Sam’s soulless vessel, or if he had killed it and never looked for Sam in hell. I quite possibly would have never fallen as deeply in love as I am now. Dean could have been happy with Lisa, the world would have been safe. I would still have a family of angels that cared for me. It all would have been so much simpler.
But Dean was connected to Sam in a way that I thought I couldn’t even fathom or understand. Now I wonder if my love for Dean is as strong, just a different kind. The only problem being it isn’t reciprocated. That I would always be a distant second compared to Sam.
And maybe it was then that I started to understand.
Panic bubbled in my chest as I saw Lucifer push dean up against the wall, holding him just above the ground by his throat. Lucifer was speaking to Sam, but I couldn’t hear it through my pulse drumming in my ear. I laid in the other corner of the cage, beaten and thrown, my legs felt like deadweight but Dean was choking. Right in front of me, and I am a protector if I let anything happen to him I would never forgive myself. Nor would Sam.
Grasping at the threads of my grace and with the help of adrenaline coursing through the veins of this body, I got up and slammed myself into Lucifer with my shoulder. Dean was knocked out of his grip, stumbling in what looked like Sam’s direction. I was unable to look for long though as pain burst through my back and I was once again slammed against the rugged bars of Lucifer’s cage.
This time, the punches kept coming, feeling as if a metal sheet of iron weighing three tons was being slowly lowered onto my face. The pressure kept building and the pain shot through what seemed like my entire being. Where was Dean? I had helped him, why wasn’t he here for me? Here as I was getting beaten to a pulp, where was he?
‘We’re expendable’ the words echoed in my ears and rage pooled in the pit of my stomach. It seemed as if time slowed for a few seconds as thoughts screamed through my head. Why were they in here in the first place? Lucifer helped God put The Darkness away the first time, Lucifer had seen all of it happen. God was gone, Lucifer was willing to help. The only reason the brothers aren’t taking this offer is because they are scared for each other.
I won’t be scared for them anymore. Not when they aren’t scared for me.
“Any last words?”
“Can you really kill her?”
“Yes.”
“Then yes, I accept.”
Yes it must have been then that the entire picture started to show its-self. Not just the part that Sam and Dean were painted in. It must have been then that it really sank in that Dean doesn’t love me. Not even as family. The emotions are endless and I wish that I was never sent down on that mission to raise the righteous man from perdition, because that was my single sentence to an eternity of unfulfilled hopes and wishes.
Now, as I lay here in the fetal position, threads of golden grace wrapped around me to give me some sort of warmth and comfort, I watch through a one sided window as Lucifer walks behind Dean and Sam. I watch as Sam gets in the passenger seat of an all too familiar 1967 Chevy Impala and Dean asks Lucifer how he’s doing or if he needs a lift. I watch as Dean doesn’t suspect a thing when Lucifer pretends to be me and answers that he is fine and that he would catch up. I watch as Dean gets in the car and drives away.
The pain is numb now. I feel nothing and it all feels useless when I listen to Lucifer’s growing laughter bouncing off the walls of this room with 3 steel, living walls and a one sided glass window.
Maybe it was denial that led me to this.
Yes, I think that is correct.