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There was a noise coming from Thor's room, soft and steady, and since Tony was making his way down the hall at the time, he considered it to be his duty to pause and investigate. Like a good neighbor and all that. Not to mention that if something was about to explode in there, it could end badly for everyone. It was pure, simple rationality that made him linger outside the door.
What kept him there once the steady noise resolved itself into a series of moans was anyone's guess. Basic curiosity, Tony reasoned. Maybe it was a little rude to stand there listening to Thor jerk off, but it was also somewhat comforting. Even members of the Norse pantheon had to get off once in a while, go figure.
Tony grinned, thinking about how he could use this knowledge to tease his friend in the future, but then there was a sharp gasp and an even breathier, drawn out moan, and it occurred to him that the voice sounded higher than he would've expected from the big guy. He shrugged, filing it away as something else to tease Thor with later, and was turning to continue down the hall when the voice grunted and said "Thor."
Now, Tony could excuse a lot of things when it came to masturbation, but Thor really did not seem like the type to say his own name during the act. For another thing, he could place the voice now that it had spoken, and it sent a sick chill running through him, followed by an even sicker flash of arousal.
"Thor," he heard again, then "brother..." and now was really the time for Tony to be leaving. He knew that Thor and Loki were not technically related, but that didn't make whatever he was hearing any less incestuous. There was another long groan, followed by some wet sucking sounds that Tony wished he'd never heard.
"Yes, brother, yes," said Loki's voice, deep in a way that went straight through Tony. He needed to get out of there. Now.
"What are you doing?" Steve asked, suddenly right the fuck behind him. Tony jumped, wide-eyed, and made a violent shushing noise. Steve raised an eyebrow at him and opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off by another round of yes-ing from inside the room. They both turned toward the door, Tony being treated to the lovely sight of the Captain's blushing face.
"What-" he began, somewhat hoarsely, but Tony shook his head. "You don't want to know, man."
Steve's response was cut off again by Loki, who, it seemed, got more vocal the longer things went on. "That's right, brother, take it. Oh, you're so good, brother, yes, just like that." And then he moaned again, just for good measure.
By now Steve's eyes were as round as his shield. "Loki??" he hissed in a harsh whisper, a look of scandalized horror stealing across his face. "But they're brothers!"
Tony shrugged, trying his best to ignore the muttered "so good, ohhhhh that's good" that was being spoken like a prayer. For once, Tony's best was not nearly good enough. "That doesn't seem to be an issue for them."
Steve was standing slack-jawed, staring at the door, giving Clint a perfect focal point when he strolled over with Natasha and Bruce. "What's with the Captain?" he asked, a cheery grin on his face like he wasn't standing outside a portal to apparently amazing incest blowjobs.
Luckily, Loki chose that moment to speak, saving Tony the embarrassment of explaining what was going on. "Yes, Thor, that's it. You were made for this, brother, ohhh yes, the mighty warrior on his knees. How does it feel having your mouth stretched around me, brother? You like it, don't you? Oh fuck yes, you love this, love sucking me like this, oh, yes." Tony had to admit, the guy had a real talent for dirty talk.
Clint was looking like he'd been hit by the same speeding train that took out Steve, and Bruce and Natasha looked similarly uncomfortable. "Yeahhhh," Tony said.
"Um," Bruce began, glancing nervously at the door, but Loki seemed content to just enjoy what was being given, and the only sounds that emanated were those wet sucks that Tony didn't want to find hot. Temporarily relieved, Bruce continued "Why are we even listening to this? I'm pretty sure this is wrong on a whole lot of levels."
"Morbid curiosity?" Tony offered. Loki countered with more groaning, and the sigh Tony released afterward was shakier than he'd like. Fuck that guy and his fucking silver tongue.
"Oh brother," Loki purred, and Clint visibly shuddered. "That's right, yes, deeper. So good, Thor, you must have wanted this for a long time. Oh yes, I can just see you, aching to get my cock down your throat. All those years, yes, and now I have you. Mmm, if you weren't so good at this I'd fuck you right now. Would you like that, Thor? Spread out, oh, and trembling, waiting for me to take you, to take what has always been mine, oh yes, yes, again brother, yes!"
Tony swallowed, shifting on his feet a little and hoping it wasn't obvious that he was getting hard from this. He looked up to find Natasha glaring pointedly at him. Oh well.
"...his voice is kind of hot?" he offered with a weak shrug, giving her a dashing grin to make up for it. She looked at him in disgust, but a series of sharp cries had started up inside the room and everyone's attention was fixed on that.
"Almost over, at least," Clint muttered darkly, looking torn between shooting something and running away to hide in the laundry room for a week. Again.
Then a booming voice behind them said "My friends! Is something happening?" and all of their mouths fell open. Thor was walking toward them, a couple of shopping bags in one hand and a jovial but confused expression on his face.
Tony shared a helpless look with Steve, before they both turned back to the door. It was completely silent within. "That son of a-" Tony said, shoving open the door and ready to confront Loki about whatever the hell this perverted trick was supposed to be.
The door swung open to reveal...Thor's room, completely devoid of anyone. "The fuck?" Clint said, peering around and looking like the instinct to shove himself behind the dryer was about to win out.
Thor crowded in the doorway behind them, looking curiously bewildered. "Is there something the matter in my chambers?" he asked. It was particularly hard to look at his face, Tony found, when he'd spent the past twenty minutes imagining that face to be way too close to Loki's crotch for comfort.
Steve cleared his throat. "There's nothing wrong, Thor, sorry to barge into your room like that. It's just that Loki..." and he trailed off, face twisting in a grimace.
At once Thor became concerned. "Loki? But he was just behind me on the stairs! LOKI!" he shouted down the hallway.
"Yes, brother?" came Loki's voice, completely calm, and Tony swiveled around to see him leaning against the wall at the top of the stairs, looking incredibly satisfied.
Thor's face immediately brightened. "Ah, there you are, brother! I wanted to show you my purchases!" He grinned around at everyone and then headed into his room, depositing the shopping bags on his bed.
Loki straightened himself and fucking glided down the hallway, making eye contact with all of them and smirking until they looked away, flustered. He paused on the threshold and looked directly at Tony, smirk curling slowly into the most gleeful, devious smile that Tony had ever seen.
"Only 'kind of', Stark?" he murmured lowly, eyes dancing as Tony's mouth fell open. With that, he slid into Thor's room and threw the door closed behind him, leaving the other Avengers to stare at each other in shock.
"What. The. Hell," Tony said with feeling. It was one thing to pull some freaky magic ventriloquism and have them all believing that he and Thor were fucking, but to stand around and watch them listening? Had he been standing in the hallway the entire time, cackling to himself as their discomfort mounted? Had he seen how incredibly turned on Tony had been?
Bruce let out a loud, exasperated breath. "Whatever. I'm going to get some lunch, somewhere far away from this building. Preferably in another state." He turned on his heel and strode down the hall, steps probably not as steady as he hoped they would be.
Clint jumped after him with a "Hey, wait up!" Natasha and Steve followed suit, a bit more sedately but no less disturbed by the events of the morning. And Tony?
Tony hesitated for a few more moments, wondering despite everything what was going on inside that room. Yes, Loki probably just decided that this would be a good way to fuck with their heads, and he and Thor were no doubt being perfectly brotherly in there right now, enjoying whatever Midgardian trinkets Thor had picked up and not having sex in any way whatsoever. But...what if it had just been an elaborate bluff, and Loki was covering up secret gay incest with secret gay incest? And if it was happening, would Loki remember to impair JARVIS's recording capabilities?
Loki laughed, then, a rich chuckle of amusement that Tony sort of wanted to hear again, maybe when their clothes were off and he'd happened upon a ticklish spot just above Loki's left hip. Then he realized what was happening inside his head and mentally smacked himself.
Jogging down the stairs to catch up to everyone else, he called out "Who feels like a trip to Malibu? I know a great burger joint there. Seriously, on me. Last one to the hangar is a rotten egg!"
It was good to have a bit of a team vacation, really, and even if the sun and sand and the best burger in the world didn't completely distract his thoughts away from pale skin and dark hair, well, it was worth a shot.