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By the time Boyfriend had gotten himself to stop staring at the ceiling, it was 2am.
...He'd been awake for an hour after only... give or take, 30 minutes of sleep.
The rapper let out a silent sigh, and carefully moved to sit on the side of the bed, trying not to wake Soul beside him.
Or, worse, the others sleeping nearby.
Really, he should've known this would happen.
It'd only been about two days since that talk with Girlfriend, and just when he thought letting everything out would make things better, he's still being haunted by it all over again.
And he'd realized it wasn't enough.
It hadn't been enough to tell her and her alone. The memories left a stain on his mind, and spilling it all out in words and tears couldn't free him from it.
The insomnia, however... that was just hell by itself, even without the nightmares. It felt like he was back on the freight train of worry that ended in Soul getting corrupted all that time ago.
He felt trapped, and he needed someone to break him out.
But he definitely CAN'T share it with anyone else...
...Well, at least, that was what he thought.
An idea came into his mind a few days ago and it'd been put on the back burner since.
But... now that he was the only one awake in the middle of the night, well...
Maybe he could use it.
His eyes drifted over to the orbs sitting atop the dresser, the suggestion already beginning to surface.
...Was it even going to be worth it...?
No, he- he needed this. He doesn't know who else he can go to.
He's not going to be able to get through this without a little guidance.
Slowly, Boyfriend slid off of the bed, grabbing the hoodie hanging on his desk chair on the way out.
Making it to the main room without making much noise, he immediately spotted Girlfriend, Pico, and his brother asleep on the couch again.
There was no way he would be able to do this if he woke any of them up.
So he steeled himself, and quietly began walking across the room to grab his sneakers, and walk back out... simple as that, huh?
Even when he stopped dead in his tracks as one of the three shifted in their sleep, he still successfully made it across the room and back to safety without alerting them.
Taking a deep, but soundless sigh of relief, he warily entered his room again - thankful that Soul was still asleep too - and ambled over to the dresser.
His hands immediately found the orb to the universe he wanted to go to, and he picked it up...
...Before he paused.
And tightly clutched the device in his hands as he thought to himself.
Was this really a good idea? After all, this particular universe was rather... unstable.
There was no telling if he'd be able to come back, at least before anyone else awakened to find him gone.
BF shuddered a bit at the thought. He didn't want to freak anyone out, he just really needed someone else to talk to.
It was true, there was always Benjamin, he'd probably be safer going there... but this just wasn't something that he was as aware of.
So it'd be hard to get the same level of understanding from him.
He pushed down the deep-seeded anxiety in his chest, before turning to look back at Soul, who was still peacefully asleep under the covers.
Gripping the sleeve of his hoodie with his free hand, he walked closer, an almost remorseful expression on his face.
He stood in front of his friend, and, not wanting to wake him, he tentatively placed a hand on the other's shoulder, covered by the blanket.
And he didn't see any sign that pointed to him stirring out of slumber, and absentmindedly moved his hand to lightly run through his hair, a gentle whisper escaping him.
"I'll try to be back soon. I promise."
His words came out in a rather apologetic sound, but his gentle movements had gotten the soul to relax a tiny bit in his sleep.
It was enough to earn a small smile out of the rapper, before it faded as he pulled his hand back, and he left the room.
Out in the hallway, he turned the halves of the device in opposite directions.
As per usual, it glowed a brilliant white and he let it float out of his hands.
The portal didn't open immediately, however.
He watched anxiously as the orb fizzled and crackled, before it finally - and quite sharply - split open, revealing the portal.
With one last look back at the door to his room, he took a deep breath.
The portal opened in flux, but once it was stable for more than a few seconds, he jumped through.
It lingered, the portal shaking before it finally closed and the halves of the device fell into the gateway behind him.
Following a rather rough landing on the ground, Boyfriend looked up to be met with a vast forest shrouded in hues of pink - he knew this had to be the right place, he could hear the faint lofi-ish tune that was Daisuki playing a little farther away.
Weirdly, though, it was just the instrumental.
Turning around, he picked up the device as it scrambled to connect its halves, placing it in his pocket before continuing towards the music.
Immediately, he found himself hit with a small, but growing storm of anxiety.
His thoughts screamed at him, telling him that no one back home was safe, he's not safe he needs to go back right now-
BF was quick to push down the feelings, only for them to scream even louder inside his head.
Still, he should've expected this. He hasn't been to another universe since the incident.
He forced himself to keep walking, to focus on the distant music... he definitely didn't want to go through this panic another time.
It didn't make it any less difficult to tell himself that he's not about to get attacked, that no one's about to die. (he's lying he's a liar everyone's dead it's his fault-)
The fabric of his hoodie was now being gripped harshly in his hands, trying to distract from the pain he swears he isn't actually feeling. (he's gone he's dead it's too late he can't bring him back-)
And he's trying to focus on where he's supposed to be going, what he's doing, but right now there's a tightness in his chest and all he wants is to breathe.
Every ounce of his will was going into trying not to fall over, and yet he can't move anymore and he's wrapped in strings and he's going to die-
The thoughts wasted no time filling his mind, he can feel tugging in his chest as if that hole was on the verge of tearing open again and he can't fix it anymore he needs to get OUT GET OUT GO BACK HOME PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE DON'T HURT HIM-
"Classic?"
A faint voice did most of the work tearing him out of his spiraling panic. He looked up... and saw the person he'd been looking for.
It was like staring into a mirror, only his reflection wasn't wearing a hat, and his right arm was a rubbery black all the way up to his shoulder.
His other self had realized his situation and was already gently telling him to breathe.
Just... breathe.
...He can do that, can't he?
BF did his best to follow, and he could feel his shaking hands being brought away from where they grasped at his hoodie on his chest.
He never even noticed the other stopped the music, either.
It's okay. Everything is okay.
The voice was still faint, but it proved to be enough.
After a few minutes, Boyfriend took a final deep breath, looking up at his alternate self again.
"You alright?"
"...Yeah... I-I think so... thanks."
He nodded, and a confused look grew on his face.
"What are you doing here?"
"Huh?"
"You know this place is still unstable, right? So why'd you come here?"
Oh. Right. There was a reason why he came here, and it wasn't to delve into panic the second he arrived.
"I, um..."
He paused.
...It wasn't going to be worth it to lie.
Stop the self-sabotage.
"...I wanted to talk to you about something."
"Really? Must be important if you came all the way here."
Was it that easy to tell he was desperate?
The other raised a brow, waiting to hear what he had to say.
"I- Wait- Maybe we should... I dunno, catch up first?"
...He was stalling.
Because in all honesty, he wasn't sure if he was able to talk about it yet.
A wave of relief swept through him when the alternate him nodded, and motioned for him to follow as he walked ahead.
"So... how have you guys been?"
"Generic as ever with the small talk, eh, Classic?"
He rolled his eyes - this version of him was actually one of the first to begin with that nickname, actually, so it was nice to hear.
"Not much else I can immediately think of asking."
"Ah, we've been fine. Still got the forest, the pretty as hell beach..."
"No trollge attacks or anything?"
"Mm-mm. Still none since I retired. At least not around here. Or that I've heard."
"God- you say the word 'retired' like you're 90 instead of 19."
"Okay, I resigned. Is that better?"
"A bit."
"今日はちょっと生意気だね." [You're a little cheeky today.]
"ええ, 多分ちょっとだけね..." [Eh, maybe just a little...]
The other rolled his eyes, getting a laugh out of BF.
Both of them approached a small clearing in the forest paths as they walked.
"What about you, hm? Anything interesting happen with you guys lately?"
He froze a bit at that question.
It was almost like he'd... forgotten to expect to be asked that same question back... when that's how a conversation goes.
God, he's an idiot.
"They've been... alright."
"Well, that doesn't sound like a lie whatsoever."
"All I did was pause."
"It was a very unsure pause."
Boyfriend sighed - he didn't want to explain what happened so soon, he practically couldn't.
"You sure you're okay? Do you need a second to breathe again?"
"No, no, I'm f-fine. Trust me."
"Then the answer to that question should come easily."
"We've been fine, alright? Don't worry about me. Nothing crazy happened, man."
BF tried to keep walking, but the other him refused to follow.
As a matter of fact, his eyes were trained on him, watching him carefully.
...There was always something unnerving about having an alternate you that's gone through as much shit as you have.
When you're lying, it's very easy for them to see right through you.
"...You said you came here... because you wanted to talk about something."
"Yeah, why-"
"I think it's obvious you came here to talk specifically to me."
He really shouldn't be surprised that he had figured it out this quickly.
"Well- I mean-"
"Classic."
Boyfriend froze again, being met with a long, expectant, deliberate stare from the other.
...He had no way out of this... did he?
"...I-I need some advice."
"What about?"
"...How did you do it?"
"Do what?"
"When you told me about fighting Legion. You lost everything, and you kept going. I just... want to know how you did it. How you beat him."
"...What made you want to ask me such a thing? More specifically asking me."
"I... I can't say it-"
"This conversation can't get anywhere if you don't tell me what's going on with you."
"But-"
"XML, seriously. If it's not something you can talk about right now, then just go back home."
The rapper remained silent, and his other self sighed.
"I'll just get in touch with you when I can instead. You can wait until then, ri-"
"Please, just- give me a second, I-"
He was quick to interrupt him, turning around and now starting to walk away as he spoke again.
"You're pushing yourself, Classic. Now I'd rather you get back to your universe before-"
"SOUL ALMOST DIED A FEW DAYS AGO, ALRIGHT??!"
And finally, he stopped in his tracks.
While Boyfriend tried to pull himself together, the alternate him slowly turned around to face him once more.
"...Heh... that's a lie, actually. He did. Several hundred times- over a thousand. ...I undid it every single time, until he- everyone finally survived in the end."
Seeing as the other was still quiet, but watching him again, he continued.
Despite the protesting in his head.
"I just... needed to know how you took him down, so I can take down the person who did this, who's been after us for god knows how long, who's been torturing me at every turn... after all that trying and trying and trying not to give up, and- ...I need someone who can understand. Someone who isn't my GF."
He wiped the tears from his eyes just as he felt a hand grasp his arm.
And he looked up to see that alternate self in front of him.
The look in his eyes was understanding, but firm. A rigid serenity behind it.
Wordlessly, he let the other pull him through the rest of the forest. BF wasn't sure where they were going, but he trusted his other self enough to let him take him where he wanted to go.
Eventually, the trees cleared, and they both arrived at a secluded beach.
He felt the other let go of his hand, and he looked down to see him sit on the sand of the shore - it wasn't long before he ended up sitting down beside him.
A few moments of silence passed between them before his alternate universe self began to speak.
"...You think that the answer to your story lies in mine because there are parallels. But I have to tell you, it's not that simple."
"I just want to know how I can protect him- protect them. ...I can't let it happen again. I-I don't think I can take any more of this."
He caught another sympathetic look from him before he let out a sigh.
"...The way I received my second chance back then is a way that you can never replicate. I needed more help than your universe is ever going to be willing to give."
"What makes you say tha-"
"Because I wasn't the one who turned back the clock that day. It was only after I gave myself up to Legion that someone else did it for me."
...Oh.
That certainly flipped things on its head.
"...I'm not saying you should give up and think that's the way to solve everything. I like to believe I just got lucky."
"I- wasn't thinking that."
"But you could have been."
Another moment of silence passed between them.
"...How many times?"
BF tensed at hearing that question again, but found it easier to say this time.
"1,572."
"You remember exactly. Hm. I don't remember how long I spent on that song before I realized I could only give up, but that definitely feels way more than the amount of times I tried it over and over again."
He remained silent.
"...Still, though, going through that must've been harrowing. ...Did it happen in front of your eyes?"
"That thing that's been after us had control of my body. So technically, yeah."
"...Is he alright?"
"He's... fine. Debatable on the word choice, but for the most part, fine."
"And the others?"
"They know. They've been staying with us since then."
"...I can understand why."
"It's funny- a few times, it wasn't only him, either- Pico would get taken out too, or Mix would, or both of them, or Pico would call in Gigi for help, and..."
He didn't have to continue for his other self to understand where that was going.
"...This happened in Mix's world?"
"Mhm."
He let out a hum, mostly of intrigue.
"This... 'thing' hasn't came back since then?"
"No. And I'm glad it hasn't. I really don't want to deal with it right now."
"...Does it know?"
To the other's relief, Boyfriend shook his head.
"That doesn't make all the attempts any better though. It still taunted me every time he... well..."
He paused, simply letting himself spill everything else. Might as well... since he's already at this point now.
"But- every single time, I'd have to watch him disappear from my life again, that damn hole in my chest tears open because he's not there anymore, and... it hurts. I don't feel it now, but it hurts."
The alternate him thought for a moment, before looking back at the rapper again.
"Is this why I found you struggling to breathe when you arrived here?"
"...Yeah. It's been hard to be able to leave my place without immediately worrying if he's safe or not. We were a universe apart when I got attacked, and he followed me after with Pico and Mix, so..."
He nodded in understanding, leaving him with no need to continue further.
"Since you keep mentioning this 'thing' and how it's after you both... I take it this isn't the first time it's done something terrible?"
"...No."
"Do you want to talk about what else it's done?"
"...I- not now. Maybe another time."
"...And... you said you talked about this with your GF?"
"Yeah."
"Then what's stopping you from moving past it?"
"...I just don't want to fail again. To be put in that situation another time... and be unable to fix what gets broken. I can't handle it. I can't take it, knowing I could fail and it'll cost me everything."
At that, the other him seemed to think for a moment.
Which left a few more seconds of silence to pass by them, until-
"You know... I'm not entirely surprised that, even while enduring all of that hardship, you never gave up."
"I know. Of course I didn't, I couldn't. Everyone I knew would be dead otherwise."
"Well, it's a good motivator. Courage comes through suffering after all."
"...Hm."
"Plus, it was a similar case for me, remember?"
"Yeah... I know that."
"...Classic."
"Uh huh?"
"Are you not understanding the point I'm trying to make?"
"I... probably not?"
"...You didn't give up. While it may be taking a toll on you now, to 'give up' is not like you at all. It's not like any of us. It's built into nearly every version of us, in nearly every universe. We don't stop pushing until we know we well and truly can't anymore."
He... had to admit, all of that seemed true enough. It was natural for him, to be determined enough to fight off demons, face down a living bomb and a whole army- hell, that was how he put a stop to the Corruption, wasn't it? By never giving in, no matter what...?
"And yet, here you are, trying to confide in another universe to seek the answers for your own. The more you think about it, the more you'll realize and understand that that isn't how it works. Seeking advice is one thing, but trying to utilize experiences that aren't meant to be yours is different."
...It was easy to see why.
His alternate self had said it moments ago, their experiences only paralleled - his universe gave him a chance his own would never let him have.
This wasn't going to give him a straight answer either way. It could only give him the other's answer.
"Let me get straight to the point: you are another 'me', aren't you? You'll find your way to fix things. Stay true to who all of us are. You must keep going. Even when things look as hopeless as they can be. And that is who we are."
The other stood up as he finished the sentence, and finally, he saw a smile come from BF.
"...Yeah, I guess you're right." With a small smirk and a snicker, he stood up- "Thanks, Blueballs~"
"ああ, そのくだらないニックネームはもういい!" [Ah, enough with that stupid nickname!]
Boyfriend couldn't stop himself from laughing a bit at that, thanks to the other's firm but lighthearted tone.
Still, it was nice to see the rapper some form of happy again, after the conversation that'd taken place.
"Hehe~ ごめんね, ごめんね..." [Sorry, sorry...]
His alternate self rolled his eyes, but there was a smile on his face as well.
"Thank you, though. I... I really needed that."
"See? All you need to do is talk, 友達."
"うるさい." [Shut up.]
He heard a small laugh come from the other, and he sighed.
"Well, I guess I should at least try to get back home, before someone wakes up and notices that I'm missing. Wouldn't want to worry them after what happened."
BF took out the orb from his pocket, and twisted the halves again, only for it to sputter and fizzle out in his hands.
"I- Wha- No, come on, I can't be stuck here! Not now!"
"Woah, woah, woah. Calm down for a second. I think I have a solution to that. Just come with me."
He walked off into the forest again, and despite all the questions he currently had, BF let himself follow.
They arrived at a small clearing in the forest, where the two of them finally came to a stop.
"Now give it a try."
Boyfriend pulled out the orb again, twisted it-
And this time, it flew out of his hands and properly opened a portal back home.
"I- How'd you know that would work...?"
"Heh, and you wonder why our universe is so unstable to connect to. You're currently standing in a stable area, but around here, that’s near constantly changing. Turns out that's why, we just haven't found a way to fix it... yet. But anyway, I would go before something shifts and that gateway suddenly becomes too unstable to walk through."
With a smile, BF began walking towards the portal, before he looked back at his alternate self.
"Thanks again, by the way. For letting me vent, the advice, everything."
"No problem. Gotta help a fellow BF out, you know?"
"Pfft- right, right. I'll see ya, man."
Just as he turned around to walk through the portal, the other got his attention again.
"Hey."
He looked back again, and saw a reassuring smile on the alternate him's face.
"I'm gonna try to talk to Mix, and I know it's hard for us to communicate properly, but... you let me know if you need anything, okay?"
Boyfriend nodded, and with unspoken but warm regards to each other, he walked through the portal, and it closed behind him.
"...Go get 'em, Classic."
When BF stepped through to the other side of the portal, he found himself in the same hallway he'd left in.
Carefully, he opened the door to his room beside him.
Relief quickly swept through him at the sight of Soul still sound asleep.
From the sounds of it, the others hadn't woken up at all, either.
A content smile grew on his face as he took off the hoodie he'd been wearing, setting it back on his desk chair, and returning the orb back to its place on the dresser.
Taking a small look at the time... huh. He'd only been gone for just over an hour.
Works for him.
He sat down on the side of the bed, letting out a small sigh.
There was that feeling of a weight being lifted off of his shoulders - and while it wasn't fully gone, he definitely felt all the more better for it.
But he was quickly ripped out of his thoughts by the feeling of the fabric beneath him shifting, and a quiet, tired voice speaking up from behind him.
"Bee...?"
He looked behind him and saw Soul with his eyes half-lidded, having turned to face him.
The rapper shot him an apologetic smile, moving to lay next to him under the blanket as he whispered back.
"Sorry, 魂, I didn't mean to wake you up. You can go back to sleep now."
"Mm... what are you even up this late at night for...?"
"...Just the bathroom."
Luckily for him, in his mostly-asleep state, Soul believed it.
The two wrapped their arms around each other once BF got close enough, with Soul's head now resting slightly more on the rapper's chest.
"Go back to sleep, you idiot..."
"You first. I woke you up."
Soul let out a small tired groan, but didn't argue any further. Or rather, it was mostly the fact that BF had a hand running through his hair to lull him back to sleep that he didn't argue any further.
After he was sure that Soul was asleep again, Boyfriend hugged him a little tighter.
Compared to the last few nights, he was able to feel, even if only for a short time, that somehow everything was going to be okay.