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Fumiya awoke in darkness.
He slept in darkness and woke up in the darkness.
He didn’t mind it, or at least he didn’t used to. It was empty, and he was empty. That was how it always was. He could briefly fill the void with money and sweets, but it only lasted a moment.
After he started living here, after he met everyone, he realized he didn’t want to be empty anymore.
He didn’t want to be alone anymore.
But he was alone in his dreams. Always. He would search and search and search, but the others just weren’t there.
It was starting to scare him. It was only getting worse.
He woke up from it, greeted by the morning sun, and found tears on his face. When he tried to breathe, his chest felt tight. He sat up and curled up into a ball, hugging his knees. He felt so small. He hated feeling like this.
He had to escape this feeling. This smallness.
“Let’s all go out today,” Fumiya said after breakfast.
Everyone stared at him.
“Eh…Where is this coming from?” Rikai asked. “Where would we go, Fumiya-san?”
Fumiya shrugged. “Anywhere. Let’s just go do stuff.”
“Well…I suppose if we have no other plans for the day.”
“Since it’s an order from Fumiya-san, I’ll come along!~” Iori said.
“You’re lucky it’s my day off,” Terra said. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t be graced with Terra-kun’s presence~”
“A day spent together certainly sounds Sexy,” Amahiko said.
Ohse groaned quietly. “If you all don’t mind a piece of shit being there…”
Kei turned away from everyone. “Tch. I ain’t goin’.”
Terra poked him at his side. “Sarukawa-kun, you definitely can’t come with us.”
“FUCK YOU! I’M GOIN’!”
Fumiya smiled a bit to himself. As long as they all were together, they would have a good time.
The first place they went to was the park; namely, they went to the playground. There weren’t any kids around since it was a school day, so they had it all to themselves. Kei climbed to the top of the jungle gym while Rikai yelled at him to get down. Terra was trying to look at her reflection on the sliding pole, but Amahiko got in the way while using it to pole dance. Ohse and Iori got into a spat about who would push who on the swing. Fumiya sat on the neighboring swing, swaying gently and taking everything in.
They went to a family restaurant. Rikai had to stop Fumiya from ordering a dessert for his lunch. Aside from that, there was something on the menu for everyone to enjoy, so it was overall a pleasant meal.
They went to the movies. They watched a horror sci-fi movie with aliens, a prequel to a movie only Ohse had seen before. Fumiya watched with interest, listening to Ohse whisper explanations of the larger plot of things. Everyone else, especially Kei, was too busy screaming to pay attention.
They went to Fumiya’s favorite café. Terra kept manipulating Kei into reading off the “ultra adorbs” items on the menu, each one sending Rikai into a flustered frenzy. Iori got into an argument with the kitchen staff, insisting that she should be the only one making everyone’s sweets. Ohse ordered a cream puff, only to take the top part off and used a fork to mold the cream into a small snowman.
Something that caught Amahiko’s attention was the café’s “Customer of The Month” wall. It was a reward for the customer that visited the most often each month, and they would get their photo taken and a free Ameowrous Couple’s Heart Throbbing Loving Embrace Cake. It seemed to be going on for quite some time, as the wall was full of pictures. Fumiya walked up to look at them too, even though he already knew what was displayed there.
Going back about six years before, the customer of the month was a young teenager with dark skin, long black hair, dark purple eyes, and wore a girls’ school uniform. Those pictures showed that same person for the next two years. However, their hair got shorter as their body got taller. And then, for the last several pictures, that person’s school uniform was swapped out for a white shirt, black pants, and an orange jacket.
“…Are all of these you, Fumiya-san?” Amahiko asked.
“Yeah,” Fumiya nodded. “You can tell I haven’t changed much.”
Eventually, everyone got their fill of desserts, and they went back to the house. By evening, no one had enough of an appetite for a proper dinner. Instead, Iori popped some popcorn, and they all watched another movie together in the LDK, this time a comedy that they all knew and enjoyed. Laughter filled the room, and the atmosphere was warm and bright.
There was a feeling of closeness. It was something that still felt so foreign to Fumiya, but he liked the fuzzy sensation it spread inside him.
But then, the movie ended, and Rikai declared it was time for everyone to wash up and go to bed.
Fumiya’s heart sank. He thought he would be fine after everything, but he found that he wasn’t ready to lose the closeness yet.
As he sat in the bath, bobbing a rubber ducky in the water among the bubbles, he tried to think of how he could let things last just a little longer…
He remembered something.
There were times when he was allowed to watch movies as a child, though he would be thoroughly tested afterwards about whether he thought the characters’ actions were good or evil. He remembered in one of the movies, the child characters took their pillows and built a fort. They had a sleepover in it, sleeping close together.
“Let’s build a pillow fort,” he said after everyone was done with their baths. “In my room.”
“A…A what?” Rikai asked.
“You know. We take all the pillows in the house and make a cool fort with them. You guys did that as kids, right?”
“I…” Rikai looked down, his face turning a bit red. “I have never done such a thing…I surely would have been scolded.”
“It would have been the same for me.” Amahiko averted his gaze.
“Saru-chan and I have done it!” Iori put an arm around Kei. “We’re really good at it too. Right, Saru-chan?”
Kei just clicked his tongue.
“It better be a fort worthy of Terra-kun,” Terra said.
Ohse didn’t say anything, but from the look in his eye, Fumiya could tell he was interested.
Everyone gathered up all their pillows from their rooms and brought them to Fumiya’s, putting them in big pile on the floor. They carefully stacked them to form a decent enough structure, with Ohse making the adjustments to make sure they stayed in place.
Before long, they had built a rather impressive fort that stood tall and seemed sturdy, complete with an entrance to crawl into it.
Fumiya was about to go into it and thought the others would follow suit. But instead, they started to walk away as they quietly bid each other goodnight.
“Aren’t we all going to sleep in the fort?” Fumiya asked, his voice cracking slightly.
Everyone turned to look to look at him.
“Hah?” Kei barked. “What is this, a slumber party? Fuck off, we ain’t doin’ that shit.”
“You think I’m gonna sleep on the floor?” Terra huffed. “Hell no!”
“Fumiya-san, you are definitely old enough to sleep alone,” Rikai said, adjusting his glasses. “We’ve given into more than enough of your demands today, but I’m putting my foot down. Goodnight.”
The three of them left, taking their pillows with them. The fort became unstable.
“Well…I don’t mind sleeping with you if you ask me to, Fumiya-san,” Iori said with an awkward smile.
“I wouldn’t mind staying either,” Amahiko said. “Sleeping close together will let our bond grow through skinship~”
Fumiya shook his head. “You guys can leave. Forget I asked.”
“Eh…Are you sure?”
“I’m sure. Just go to bed. I’ll see you guys tomorrow.”
Amahiko and Iori glanced at each other, with worry all over their faces. But they soon walked out of the room, leaving their pillows behind.
Ohse was the only other person left, standing there as he looked Fumiya up and down.
“…Are you sure you want to be alone?” he asked. “If…If you need someone—”
Fumiya turned around, facing the fort. “Just go, Ohse.”
He listened for Ohse’s soft footsteps trudging out of the room.
With a sigh, he crawled into the fort and tried to make himself comfortable. It was a bit difficult, as he was just lying on the floor while the all of pillows surrounded him.
It was a sour note on an otherwise sweet day. But at least tomorrow he could wake up and face a new day with everyone. He wondered what would happen. Maybe he would hang out with Ohse, or tease Kei with Amahiko, or have Iori cater to his every need. Or maybe something unexpected would happen, and they would all have an adventure. Or maybe he would be alone all day. There was no way of knowing what was going to happen in this house. It was all so unpredictable. Fumiya liked that a lot.
It was definitely better than the bitter routine of the past. Go to school, go to the café, go to the facility and endure test after test. Rinse and repeat every day until he turned eighteen, when they released him into the world, only giving him a few months’ worth of cash and the key to a former embassy house.
Everything that happened back then still had an influence on him. He hated going to the doctor for any reason, even for just a checkup; it was too much like what would happen back then. He depended on sweets as his only comfort, a habit that he still clung to. He was only allowed to stay at the café for as long as he could keep eating, so he ate more and more each time, and now his appetite was voracious. And the loneliness…
He was alone, for all that time. Everyone at school feared him. The people at the café were always nice, but they never cared to know him beyond being their best paying customer. And the facility…
Fumiya tossed and turned.
I don’t want to remember.
He tried to just imagine all the others had stayed with him. But it felt so stupid. And it felt even stupider that he longed for their presence so much. He hated that he needed them to feel safe. Shouldn’t being in his own house and in charge of his own autonomy be enough? He didn’t need anyone else. He wasn’t supposed to need anyone else.
…Except that he did. He needed other people. That was why he sought out people to live with him in the first place. People who were like him.
He needed them. He didn’t want to be alone anymore.
But of course I’ll end up alone. People abandon each other all the time. That’s human nature…This was never supposed to be a permanent thing.
But he wanted it to be.
He quickly turned over onto his side, curling up into a ball.
The pillow fort collapsed.
Fumiya froze.
Suddenly, it wasn’t pillows that were on top of him, but all the memories that he was trying to evade.
The people.
The therapists and doctors, who said they were there to help him, to make him feel safe. But all they really wanted was to study him.
The parents, who didn’t care what happened to him. He didn’t end up as the child they wanted, so it didn’t matter. That was why they handed him over, so they wouldn’t have to deal with him anymore.
The pressure.
The big adults pouncing onto him, holding his small frame down. His arms, his legs, his back. Every part of him had crushing weight on top. Hands would move all over him. They weren’t supposed to be there; even he knew that much.
The voices.
“Hold still.” “Stop squirming, goddamn it!” “This will just sting a little.” “We can do this the easy way or the hard way.” “You’re being so difficult again.” “On the count of three…”
The sting.
A syringe. The needle pushed into his skin. Something had been put in his body; he didn’t know what it was. It was supposedly a sedative, but he never felt right upon waking up. And why would they need to sedate him to begin with? What was really being done to him?
The pain.
Every time he regained consciousness after the syringe, he was in so much pain all over his body. No one told him what was done to cause this pain. No one came to soothe him. He had to bear it alone. He would always have to bear it alone.
It hurt.
It hurts.
Fumiya hadn’t truly hurt in a long time. It was all in his head right then, and he knew that on some level. And yet.
And yet.
And yet, he screamed. He cried.
He stayed as ball under the pillows that had piled on top of him. He felt so small, like he was eight years old again, so confused about what was being done to him and why it was happening and why Mom and Dad left him there. And now at nineteen years old, he wanted to believe that he understood—it was because he was different, because his behavior was abnormal, because there was something wrong with him. He had a purpose in being tested on and studied, and he was discarded once he fulfilled that purpose. That was just how things worked.
But he was just a kid.
But he was still just a kid.
The weight was still on top of him. The memories were still on top of him.
They were just pillows. He knew they were just pillows. He could easily kick them off, but he was paralyzed by his past. The emptiness he always felt was filled up with everything he had tried to push away.
“Help me,” he sobbed. “Help me…”
Why did those words bubble out of him? No one had ever helped him before. Why would he ever expect otherwise? It was getting harder to say it, as it was getting harder and harder to breathe.
What he didn’t know was that someone had been there the whole time.
Ohse never went to his room; he was too worried. He just stood there at the door, trying to figure out what he could do. Then Iori came back upstairs, unable to sleep knowing Fumiya was distressed. The two of them quietly bickered over which was more fit to help. But eventually, they just sat on the floor against his door, too tired to keep arguing but too worried to sleep.
Before long, Amahiko came out of his room and joined them. Then Rikai. Then Terra. And finally Kei, though he stood several steps away from the rest.
They all heard Fumiya scream. They all heard Fumiya cry.
They quietly came into the room and found him curled up under the pile of pillows. They glanced at one another, the guilt of leaving him alone rippling through them all. He needed them. He had needed them all day; his actions before made that clear. And he needed them now more than ever.
They came together and lifted the pillows off, spreading them out along the floor instead.
Fumiya could feel things moving and shuffling around him. The pillows were gone, but the weight was still there…or so it was at first. But little by little, it was lifted off of him, being placed around him instead. A thin hand—Iori’s hand—moved under his head, placing a pillow under it.
And he could feel people around him. The people he knew. They people he lived with.
Their warmth. Their scents. The shapes of their bodies.
They came back for him…
He still cried, too overwhelmed with emotions he wasn’t used to expressing wracking through him. But he felt a hand reach over, slipping into his, fingers intertwined. A squeeze.
A whisper. Terra. “Fumiya-kun, you’re okay.”
Another whisper. Rikai. “We will stay with you…all night long.”
Kei only quietly huffed.
Strong but gentle arms protectively surrounded him, pulling him towards a bigger, rose scented body—close, but not painful. Amahiko.
A forehead pressed against his back. Ohse.
With a shaking breath, Fumiya closed his eyes, curling against the bodies surrounding him. And to his surprise, he soon fell asleep.
And in his dreams, he wasn’t alone. The others were with him. They were still having fun together…It was different, but Fumiya liked it.
And outside of his dreams, surrounding his body, the others weren’t alone either. They ended up cuddling against each other, clinging to each other.
And each one realized, deep down somewhere inside them, that maybe it wasn’t just Fumiya who needed this.
Fumiya awoke to sunlight pouring into his room.
He rose at the same time as the others, who all quietly groaned from pain from sleeping on the floor, the pillows having done little to provide support.
They all looked at Fumiya, and an air of awkwardness filled the atmosphere.
Rikai cleared his throat. “Ahem, Fumiya-san…We apologize for leaving you alone when you wanted us to be you.”
Kei scoffed. “If you needed us to stick around, ya coulda just said so, idiot. If ya really want somethin’, you gotta be honest about it.”
“You’re one to talk,” Terra rolled her eyes.
Fumiya looked over everyone, his eyes meeting theirs one by one. He blinked rapidly, making sure that they really were there and that this wasn’t some dream. That their existence wasn’t a dream, that he really did live with other people.
“Are you guys always going to live here?” he asked without thinking.
Their eyes all widened as they looked at each other. It seemed they were hoping for one of them to say the answer they knew Fumiya wanted to hear, but none of them did. They couldn’t make such a promise.
Fumiya sighed. “Just forget it—”
He froze as a warm hand clasped his shoulder. His head tilted upwards and met Amahiko’s gentle smile.
“No matter how long we stay together,” he said, “even if it comes to an end one day…we’ll always cherish this time that we lived here together. After all, this house…or wherever we are together, is where we all belong. That includes you, Fumiya-san.”
Iori and Ohse both nodded, each taking Fumiya’s hands and giving a light squeeze.
Fumiya looked around at everyone as they slightly nodded in agreement.
It wasn’t the guarantee he wanted, but the thought was more than enough to quell his fears. At least for now.
He nodded, and he only said, “Okay.”
If he said much more, the tears would have started back up again.
Fumiya awoke in darkness.
It had been a week since the pillow fort incident, and a few things had changed.
He wasn’t alone in his dreams anymore. He saw the faces that haunted the memories, the people who would hold him down to get as much use out of him as they could.
He woke up shaking, taking deep breaths and blinking back tears. But his fears only wracked him for a moment before the firm weight of the blanket on top of him kept him grounded.
Amahiko had bought the weighted blanket for him, but Ohse and Iori had worked together to sew decorations on it, symbols and colors that would remind Fumiya of everyone in the house. It was more like a weight quilt now.
He ran his fingers over the sewn patches, reminding him of the others’ presence. They weren’t in the room right then, but they were in this house, and he would see them in the morning. And even if they weren’t, and if they were somewhere far away instead, they would still be with him.
They would always be with him, one way or another.
A warm, gentle feeling filled him up.
With that comforting weight on top of him, the warmth inside him, and a new extra soft pillow under his head, Fumiya was able to drift off into a peaceful sleep.