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Guilt and Regrets.
Something so depressing could never be a win. Till's thoughts wander mindlessly back on the old days him and Ivan spent together. He had just lost someone again, and oh, how he feels so lonely.
He recalls their childhood days filled with petty fights, the punches he threw at Ivan, who in return continuously still annoyed him. Those days when he would rant about everything and anything while Ivan listened on earnestly. He remembers that one specific day that filled him with so much guilt, up until now — the day they almost tasted freedom. He recalls every single moment Ivan has given him a moment to breathe, even for just a few moments.
Ivan was a weird kid — he was incredibly touchy and often suggested random gross things. Ivan annoyed him so much with the amount of times he's invaded his personal space.
...How come he's able to romanticize looking back on all these memories?
Till looks up at the dull sky of Anakt Garden. The sky was painted baby blue from all around, and the clouds were white as sheep's fur. The wind passes by softly, tickling small strands of his hair. It looked sublime.
Yet, everything in his world felt so dull.
He wonders, Ivan, how does heaven look from up above?
Would Ivan be looking down over at him, wrapped in the last layers of fancy white clothing he wore that day on the bloody stage?
Till misses him somehow. Looking at the beautiful sky fills him with so much want to join him and look down together on earth for the hope of it all.
He reaches his arm out to the sky, his fingers pointing at one of the clouds that seems to be beckoning him. A brief memory of their escapade that day flashes in his mind, and suddenly more questions arise from the depths of his soul.
That night, was Ivan able sleep well? Till can clearly remember everything in that moment, but he faintly remembers what came after. All he knows was that he cried himself to bed that night. Did the midnight stars remind Ivan of him, just as they did now?
Till knows he never truly looked at Ivan. In all the years they had spent together, he became so used to him being there, always present in his peripheral vision. He never had to look for him, because he was always just... there. He was a constant presence in his life, yet he was so blind to this fact. He had ignored him, like a side character from a story, not realizing his true importance.
He wonders, did Ivan have other friends? Was there a laugh he never heard from him, or a smile he never saw? Did Ivan ever cry? When did he grow up to be such a talented adult?
So many questions swirl in his mind, only for everything to be left unanswered. He blinks, frowning to himself. If only he had paid more attention.
In that last song they sang together, was it about love? Till has never even bothered to ask Ivan about the inspiration behind the lyrics. He never tried to pry, never tried to be curious about him, unlike how Ivan did to him. He only now tries to remember the raw emotion in his voice when they sang their song together on stage. Was it a song about love?
He looks down to the grassy ground, scrunching up the green blades beneath his feet. It leaves a mark. He's a selfish person, one that only thought about himself up until the very last moment of his death, and yet — Ivan saved him.
Saved...?
Till closes his eyes in frustration. Frustration at himself, maybe Ivan, or maybe at everyone and at everything. His heart clenches in pain, so much pain, that tears start to well up in the corners of his eyes. All these questions doesn't matter anymore now that he's lost a person he loves.
Would Ivan forgive him now that Till thinks of him?