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On a wide empty field, there sat a lone figure, looking upon the sky. Even though daytime has long since passed, the sky was radiating in a bright crimson, bright enough to illuminate the night. It was a familiar scene to him, the meteors crashing towards the planet, like angels banished from the heavens.
A punishment for their rebellion, doomed to burn at their brightest, only to vanish into ashes. Yet it was beautiful wasn’t it? This act of rebellion against an impregnable system. Ivan still remembers a silver starlight, fighting against the injustice of the world. The only light shining in his life, casting the shadow of his heart so, so much longer.
He gripped his chest, searching for a yearning heartbeat, but he felt nothing, nothing at all. And even though he wasn’t surprised, he was no less disappointed.
Suddenly he heard a crackle from behind, which startled him. When he whipped his head towards that noise, he saw another being here, standing on the field, watching the nightsky. It was an alien with soft features, pinkish skin, long blonde hair and piercing red eyes, as if they could see the darkest depths of your soul.
Their eyes weren’t the only peculiar feature about them though. Most notable must have been their clothing. White robes enveloped all of their body, exposing only their head and two three-fingered hands. The robes were used, wwashed out fabric fluttering in the wind, yet still very well maintained. Almost as if the owner cared quite a lot about their dress. On top of their head was a little hair crown, tied together by a simple white bandage. They also carried a big white sack around their shoulder, used and dirty as well.
Ivan had never seen such an attire before, especially not on an alien. He wondered if this creature was poor, abandoned from their homeplanet, searching for a place to belong. But most Segyein who struggled for survival wouldn’t bother with the maintenance of a simple white robe, so that couldn’t be it.
"Hello stranger. What brings you here on this lonely night?" Their voice was uncharacteristically deep for their appearance and soft, almost soothing. Ivan didn’t remember the last time, he talked to someone beside himself. But it didn’t took him long, to regain his composure, always ready for the next camera to capture his fabricated smile.
"I’m just reminiscing."
"Would you mind, if I’d join you?"
He pondered for a moment. Truth to be told Ivan would rather watch the scenery in solitude, clinging onto memories that happened in a long forgotten time. But there was also a part of him that craved company. Someone to talk to. Someone who listened to him. Someone who saw him, reminding him that he still existed. He couldn’t deny that after all this time, loneliness seeped through his broken soul and became a core part of his being.
"No. Please, have a seat." He gestured towards the empty space next to him on a decaying log, the only object on this field within eyes reach. The Segyein sat down and turned up to the sky once again.
"It’s beautiful, isn’t it?"
"It is. I could spend my whole lifetime sitting here watching it."
The stranger chuckled.
"In that case I suggest you recording the scenery, before it’s gone. You’re a human, aren’t you? The comets won’t return again in your lifetime."
That perplexed Ivan.
"But I’ve seen this dozen of times now?"
An unreadable expression rested on their face, deeply in thoughts.
"The Zho comets return to this place every 112 cycles. And everytime they pass, some of them enter the atmosphere burning to ashes against the air resistance, while their sisters continue their journey. In a few centuries all Zho comets will be scattered across this planet, and the meteor shower will visit us no longer."
Did he hear right? 112 cycles? Then Ivan must have been here for over a millennium! But when he thought about it, it made sense. He didn’t interact with anyone for so long, that he started doubting that he’s even real. As the seasons changed over and over and over and over again his memories began to fade. The taste of his favorite food, the sound of his favorite song, the smell of artificial flowers, even the constant clicking of cameras and the feeling of rough alien hands on his body faded with time. But none of those things mattered. The only thing that matter he could never forget.
"You’re… not alive anymore, are you?"
Ivan’s deflective smile remains unmoved.
"If I weren’t, how would I still be here?"
When the Segyein noticed his rather defensive attitude their expression softened.
"Don’t worry. I don’t think it’s strange. In fact, I think it’s quite fortunate that I came across you. I’m actually rather well-versed regarding souls and lingering ghosts and that kind. Compared to the rest of the universe at least."
Ivan tilted his head questioningly.
"This concept actually emerged from your very own kind. Did you know, that humans used to have religions?"
Ivan nodded. "Yes. I heard that they believed and worshipped god." He remembered then, that at some point he started wondering what exactly god is. That is until one day he saw a collared boy, fighting an unwinnable fight against an irresistible foe, protecting what he holds dear in the face of inevitability. That was the closest Ivan got to understanding what god is.
"Yes, many religions revolved around one or many gods, which stand above humans. But there are also some, which strive to reach enlightenment by overcoming human desire. Some believe, that life is an never ending cycle. When one thing ends, it just changes it state into something else. And some believe that after you die, you will be reborn into something else, depending on your karma. Maybe a bug, maybe a cow or maybe another human again?
Though many information has been lost due the colonization on earth, my goal is to retrieve as much data about it as I can."
"Why?"
"Why not? I‘m curious to find out, which believes are actually true and which aren’t."
"But isn’t it all they are? Believes?"
The stranger chuckled.
"Maybe. But some religions seem to have some truth in them, don’t they? How else would you explain you still sitting in front of me after thousands of years?"
"I…" Thousands of years. Ivan has been dead for over thousand years. Everyone he knew and their descendants were long gone. Nothing he has experienced in life was the same anymore. No one would remember the third place of a singing contest that probably also didn’t exist anymore. Nowhere in this universe he belonged to. He was truly alone, now more than ever. It pained him. It pained him so much, yet he still couldn’t let go.
"You still have regrets, don’t you? Something that you still want to do, why you still can’t move on."
Ivan shook his head. "That’s not it."
Saying that Ivan had no regrets would be a blatant lie. His life was filled with regrets. Regrets of not being kinder to those around him, regrets of not getting closer to the person he cared about most, regrets of forcing his feelings upon him, only creating more misery and trauma this one he regrets the most since it was also his greatest joy. If he could redo his life he‘d do quite a lot differently. But none of these what-ifs mattered. None of those were the reason he still remained.
"Say… what becomes of me once I get reborn?"
"You’ll change your state of being, living as something else."
"But then what becomes of me? Of Ivan?"
They answer the question with silence.
"I’ve been there, you know? The place where souls get reborn. Once someone drink out of that river, they forget everything. Every experience they made, their greatest joys, their darkest sorrows, it all vanishes, turning them into blank sheets of nothing. No mind, no emotion, no desire, just… nothing."
Before Ivan met Till, he was just like that. A puppet without wants and needs. A blank sheet his owner could decorate however he liked. Maybe he was that throughout his whole life. An artwork of his owner to brag about. But in the center of the picture was a teal colored taint. The desire to be seen. The desire to be loved. The desire for Till to light up his whole universe once more, even if it meant he had to burn with it. And in the end he was at least able to choose his own ending. Ivan never again wants to return to a blank sheet, only for his next oppressor to mold him to their liking. He’d rather stay imperfect as he his, holding onto those taints, until it vanishes one day with him. He couldn’t help but chuckle at the meaninglessness of it all. What’s another lifetime of suffering against a millennium of nothingness? But even if it was meaningless, it meant everything to him.
"I supposed I’m afraid what will become of me, once I forget. What even am I, if not memories of him?"
"Then tell me about them. Your memories."
Ivan hesitated. Never in his life -nor in death- did he talk about his memories. Many people claimed, that they didn’t understand, what was going on inside his head, Till included. Someone knew, because they were similar. But she didn’t understand, because they weren’t the same.
Ivan never felt the need to say anything. What was the point? Everything around them was fabricated, their destinies were set in stone and his god was worshipping someone else. Nothing he could have said would have changed the situation. His voice a useless tool outside of the stage.
But that’s all been over a thousand years ago. Nothing of it still exists, expect for him. If he talked about it, would it keep the memories alive? Would it take a burden off his shoulders, which he carried for a millennium, even if just a little bit? Would it relieve some of the pain and loneliness he felt in his chest since forever?
A part of him wanted to keep silent, keeping these feelings to himself. It’s the only thing that truly belonged to him and him alone. But after a millennium of bottled-up feelings, he wanted to scream. He wanted to cast out his bleeding heart to someone, carving every detail, every emotion he felt in his life into their memory. Every detail that was precious to him, so they wouldn’t forget. Maybe then he wouldn’t have to shoulder this pressure alone. So after a shaky breath, he told them.
He told them about a rooftop, a near death-experience and a meteor shower, the first instance in his life he saw beauty in this universe.
He told them about an auction, where he was sold and taken to an lab.
He told them about his owner, how he showed him around like a trophy he obtained and how he never disobeyed.
He told them about an institution with artificial grass, artificial air and a fake blue sky.
He told him about a flower crown and a silver haired boy chasing after it into forbidden territory. A girl with purple hair followed him -or was it pink?-. He followed them in case they‘d die, so he could report to the authorities and dispose of the corpses. But he had never expected what he saw.
Once they reached the edge of the garden there stood two giant watchdogs, five times their height and with fangs as big as their heads. One growled and the other one knocked the silver boy down. The pink girl trembled, frozen in fear unable to run away. He thought that’s the end. They’ll both get eaten by those Segyein and he could return to get rid of this mess. But that day a god was born and that god loved to prove Ivan wrong. The silver boy stood up, fearless teal burning in his eyes, so bright it filled the black emotionless void in Ivan’s heart. His chest felt full for the first time in his life, so full it made breathing a difficult task.
Ah, Ivan thought, I want it.
Ever since then Ivan strived to get an hold on to those sacred gems, which could make him feel anything other than numb. It felt good. It felt otherworldly. It felt as if he was only alive when Till‘s gaze was on him.
He told them about all his desperate attempts to make Till look at him. Broken flower crowns and stolen belongings. It worked at first, but it was never enough. He saw Till looking at someone else. Someone who basked in warm light, so bright she saw nothing but happiness. Only then did some of his toothed anger melt away, showing a glimpse of his tender soul.
Ivan understood then, why Till had to build a barrier of wariness and anger around his heart. Because his soul was so gentle and kind, it would have been crushed under their environment.
He told them about a broken artificial flower. Only the most gentle god would bow down for that, to tell it to cheer up. Ivan yearned for that gentleness like nothing else in his life. But he was incapable of receiving it. He wondered time and time again why he was unable to receive tenderness, no matter how hard he tried. In the end he came to the conclusion that it boiled down to one fundamental truth: there was something wrong with him.
Ivan wasn't capable of gentleness. Maybe if he was, everything would have been different. Maybe in a universe, where Ivan was kinder, he could have basked in Till's infinite light, never starving of affection. But those were all dreams. Endless, foolish dreams.
He told them about practiced smiles, stolen touches and longing gazes. It was weird, once he started talking about it all, it flew out of him like a broken dam. Every detail, that made him himself. Maybe he wanted to leave a mark out in the world. One not fabricated to please the masses, but an authentic version of himself. Screwed and twisted as he is, imperfect but true.
Then he told them about a scene like the one tonight. How the cold night wind brushed on his skin, but his hand was warm. How the crimson light made the silver boy shine even more beautifully. How for the first time in their lives, both of them smiled with pure, blinding joy.
Ivan wished every of his first would be with Till. Because every first with Till felt genuine.
He didn’t look back. He didn’t think he’d have to. But again, his god proved him wrong. When numbing coldness enveloped him completely, Ivan has learned his lesson. Never again would he assume the desire of his god, committing blasphemous treason in face of tribulation.
He couldn’t help but laugh at his foolish ignorance. That day a black, black sorrow was born. One which would surely swallow him whole. But maybe that would be his penance for his sacrilegious act.
Afterwards everything stayed the same, but nothing was like before. Till avoided his gaze even more than before, maybe in shame, maybe in guilt and Ivan dared not to ask for more. Stolen glanced turned into silent prayers, offerings to a blind deity. And even though their classmates would say that these two seem very close, there was a thin glass wall between them. If Ivan were to push it too hard his whole world would surely shatter into pieces. So he bend and bend, but never broke.
He told them about an entertainment show. A singing competition to death. A beautiful duet that ended in blood, a merciless crushing defeat and a longing cry which fell on deaf ears. The black sorrow at this point has consumed Ivan, turning into an all absorbing black hole. Now it claimed its first victim.
He told them about an one-sided fight, security guards and smoke. What followed was despair. What does one do, when the only light in one’s life diminishes? Ivan didn’t know. He never wanted to know. Maybe that’s why, in the end, he took the easy way out. Till was stronger than him. He continued to fight. But there’s only so much one can endure, when all lifelines were snapped. When he saw Till in the meeting room, helpless and devoid of life, his heart bled. He could only release his choker and rub his nose against silver hair. A futile attempt of comfort. Ivan never knew how to be gentle. He wanted to tell Till to cheer up, but he couldn’t. His voice a useless tool for anything but singing. But if he couldn’t offer comfort, he’d at least offer his life.
He told them about artificial rain on a grey stage. Blinding lighting, deafening cheers and numbing coldness. A figure in black was mourning, while a figure in white entered to celebrate his union. A final duet with his beloved. Ivan was content with this. It was all he was allowed wish for.
He knew the one exiting this room wouldn’t be him. Because it was Till who was his opponent. Passionate and fierce Till, a musical wunderkind who became Top 3 of an universal contest without any promotion whatsoever. His music was vigorous and moved the hearts of trillions. Something an empty black hole could normally never compare against.
But Ivan miscalculated. The reason for Till‘s evocative music was his muse. A shining, warm light, that gave him the strength to move on. But now that his muse was gone, his voice turned into something desperate, grasping straws, searching for a reason to keep fighting. But there was no hope in this world without his only light. So Till gave up.
This shook Ivan to his core. How could he? How could the most fierce person he knew just give up? Was Ivan not even worth fighting against? Would his god damn him to a lifetime of meaninglessness? What meaning would his life have if Till wasn’t in it?!
Thus Ivan broke his only oath. He would offer his own life to his god, whether he desired it or not. Icy lips crashed against each other and he couldn’t help but drown in it. It was wrong. It was cruel. It was pure blasphemy. But it felt heavenly, like salvation. He wanted more. Years upon years of pining concentrated on his lips. Unspoken words which will never see the light of day. Even if the recipient is deaf to his prayers, so be it. Ivan would gladly accept an eternity in damnation if it meant he could see the fire inside of teal eyes again.
Rough hands wrapped around a thin neck like a collar. A quick glance at the screen. 89 - 70. Ivan was losing. He was going to die. He was holding his god in his hands for one last time and then was going to die.
One last kiss on the edge of his mouth, softer than before. Maybe as an apology. Ivan never knew how to be tender. He yearned for it his whole life, but could never give. This misplaced attempt was only prove of his incapability.
When he finally broke away, he expected a reaction. A shove, a fist, an angry scream, anything. But Till closed his eyes, surrendering his life to the cruelty of this contest. Ivan squeezed tighter. Fight!, he wanted to scream, FIGHT! or at least look at me.
One gunshot, then two, then three. Ivan barely noticed them until blood was dripping out of his mouth. Realization hit. His plan worked. He was going to die, while Till would live. A fond smile appeared on his lips in sad happiness. Relief washed over his body and his limbs became weak. And when he fell, a veil fell from his god's eyes and he was cured from blindness. Teal gems looked into a black void and in his final moment Ivan was content.
The stranger was silent for a long time, even when Ivan was finished with his story. Their red eyes shimmered like fire, whether it was because of sentimentality or something else he couldn’t tell.
"It seems like that person meant a lot to you."
"More than anything else."
"And you don’t want to lose your memories of him."
"No. Even if it’s painful, it’s the only thing I have."
They nod in sympathy.
"Then… what about new memories?"
Ivan stared at them in disbelief.
"A strong attachment like the one you hold for your special person should transcend lifetimes. It’s not unlikely that you will meet again, if not in the next life, then the life afterwards, or the life afterwards… it might take a while, but there’s a high chance you will meet him again."
The world shifted around Ivan. Every cell in his body screamed for Till, longed for their reunion, the sun of his galaxy. Even if it took a thousand lifetimes, even if they would only meet for a split second and then part ways for all eternity.
No, Ivan couldn’t do that. Once those sacred teal gems set eye on him again he would surely hold onto it with all his might, crawling it like a beast keeping their prey. That was the unfiltered, screwed, cruel nature of Ivan’s feeling. All the misery and trauma he has forced upon Till, wasn’t it enough?
"I think it’s better if I don’t see him again."
The Segyein looked surprised.
"Why?"
"Because even if I were to meet him again, it wouldn’t be enough. I wouldn’t know how to be kind. In the end, it will only lead to more regrets."
The stranger remained silent, pondering over Ivan‘s statement. He looked upon the sky. The meteor shower was almost over, thus his physical form would soon vanish.
"Thank you for listening to my tale. I will remain here, until the last of the Zho comets burn out on this planet. Then like the falling stars, these shallow emotions alongside with my existence may finally sink into nothingness."