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“The company is getting us into a new apartment complex,” Chan announced at the crowded dinner table of the Gymracha dorm. He called everyone together amidst busy schedules to have a family dinner and by the look of shocked faces around the table it was quite unexpected.
“It feels like we just really got settled,” Jisung whined, picking at the food on his plate. A few of the younger members parroted his opinion.
“How many?” Jeongin asked, “I really need more room. So I love you guys, but we need more space.”
“Four,” Chan answered quickly, “We can pair off into—”
“I call Hannie!”
“I call Minho Hyung!” The duo interrupted Chan as they called dibs on each other in unison.
“Oh my god, I am so shocked, I cannot believe it,” Seungmin rolled his eyes before turning to Felix at the other end of the table, “Wanna do bunk beds and have the other room for gaming?”
Felix began to answer but was cut off by Jeongin without being heard, “So bold of you to assume he wants to room with you. Chan has always said it would be them two when we all move out.”
“But our sleep schedules are so different right now,” Felix did his best not to sound like he was affected by the comment. It really was innocent but some days the past crept into his mind like an unwanted houseguest, “I think Seungmin would make a great roommate!” Thankfully he was able to say that with full confidence. After living together from the start they would really only have to adjust to the absence of others as they’ve always gelled together really well. Then it struck him, the perfect thing to get eyes off of his red cheeks, “Seungmin why me? You and Innie have been dating for a year now.”
“Uhh,” Now that it was Seungmin being put on the spot Felix was able to relax a bit even if he felt bad for doing that to him, “We aren’t there yet.”
“You have been living together this entire time, what?” Hyunjin screwed his face up in confusion.
“It's like me and Minho Hyung! Living together alone is a huge step. Some people like to take things slower.” Jisung thankfully came to the maknaes rescue.
“Yea Hyunjin, not everyone wants to propose after a month of dating!” Seungmin blew a raspberry at him across the table and so the bickering started. Felix tuned it out. Not much got to him anymore when it came to his relationship, or lack thereof, with Chan. He just had to mourn the moment this could’ve been. Every couple was lovingly paired off and living in domestic bliss. Felix would have to just be happy for the others as that ship had long sailed for him.
“So that leaves me with Chan Hyung?” Jeongin asked to break up all the back and forth.
“Are you ok with that, Innie? We can try to work something else out if need be,” Chan offered despite there really being no other option unless couples that desperately wanted to room together got separated and no one was going to let that happen.
“No, I'd love to room with you! If you want to room with me?” Chan got up from his seat and wrapped Jeongin in a tight hug squealing in excitement over his new roomie, “I take it back!!! Seungmin, save me!”
“Oh no babe, I am getting a very important email that I must answer right this second. Oh no, I can’t leave this spot until it's done,” Seungmin’s sarcasm earned him a side eye from Jeongin but it was all with love. Everyone was happy about the change now. Even Felix was. For a moment it brought up some more than uncomfortable feelings but he’d get over it. He always has… he had to. He had no other option.
Later that night while lying in bed Felix tossed and turned, unable to sleep. One thought led to another and suddenly he was reliving some of the best and worst moments in his life. It had been a long time since something like this affected him so horribly. He was only snapped out of it by his phone lighting up on his nightstand.
Chan: Can we talk?
Felix: Bout what
Chan: In person I meant should have specified my bad
Felix: where?
Felix: Are you ok?
Chan: Yup everythings good just wanted to talk for a bit I’m at our bench by the river if it's too long of a walk I can come to you
Felix: No
Felix: It's fine
Felix: On my way
Their bench. Even after everything it has seen it was still their bench. Beside the river in a less than scenic spot, which was by design. They picked it because it was out of the way, giving them as much privacy as they could get in public. Yet still, it was beautiful because it was theirs. Through all the trauma they endured there, a first kiss and followed not long after by a painful breakup they still met there on nights they couldn’t sleep. Despite not being together they were able to retain a great friendship. It took a lot of time and space to repair what had been brutally broken. Felix would’ve understood if Chan had never forgiven him and never asked to work on things but eventually he did; Felix was grateful for that beyond words. He still feels like an absolute ass for how things went down. After it was brought up today and with his mind already in a fragile state he began to spiral into thoughts of the past as he walked along through the cold and quiet night.
They had just finished filming the performance team collaboration for Kingdom and it went off without a hitch. Chan came running down the hall as soon as Felix was off stage to greet him. Felix beamed with pride as he looked into his boyfriend's fond eyes, “You really did a good job, I'm so proud of you!” Chan squealed, holding Felix’s face in his hands, squishing his cheeks together. The moment melted the world around them, the adrenaline and overwhelming adoration had Felix in a daze as he leaned in for a kiss. Then a flash went off to his left and he pushed away from Chan to get a look at a production assistant running away as fast as their feet could carry them. Chan ran after them, anger clouding his features as Felix ran in the opposite direction.
He didn’t stop running either. It was late at night, no one was out and he went to where he felt safe. The river. More specifically the bench where they confessed their love to one another, the bench where they shared their first kiss, and the bench where they held each other when Chan wanted to give up. It saw all of their highs and lows. This may be the lowest of the lows. Every insecurity he had, every reason they should’ve never started dating in the first place, every little doubt he had flooded his mind as they now could be a reality if that photo got out. It would hurt not only him but the whole of Stray Kids. They’d likely have to disband due to the backlash. He’d be hated forever for being the cause of it. Maybe even hated by the members. They worked so hard to get to where they are and it was all fucked up in a singular moment by none other than Lee Felix.
Then there's the thought of being forcefully outed. He wouldn’t be safe, not here. Maybe not even at home. His family loved him but as devout Catholics, there was a chance he’d be disowned. The older generation refused to see how it was ok to be yourself and be religious. One should not negate the other. Felix had that figured out for a while now but even those fears were sinking back in. He thought he’d have years before he had to face his family and tell them he was proudly bisexual. If that went well by that time he’d be able to tell his family about Chan. None of that was happening now by choice. He had to start to figure out damage control. If there was even a way to control it. Chan would know what to do. That is if he’s not mad at him too… God he had royally fucked everything up and now his dreams and those of his friends were going to be on the line. It wasn't fair, none of this was but that's the consequence he had to face. It was all going to crash and burn and it was all his fault.
“Felix!!!” A panicked but familiar voice called out, “I knew I’d find you here. Come here, baby.”
Chan tried to pull him into a hug but Felix resisted, he didn’t want comfort, he didn’t deserve it. “I ruined everything,” He wailed into Chan’s chest when he was finally overpowered. He sobbed there for a while. Thinking and overthinking every little thing that had to happen now. Everything he was going to lose, they were going to lose… Certainly, Chan wouldn’t forgive him for ruining the group he fought so hard for. Love can only go so far and Felix wouldn’t even blame him.
“Everything will be ok, I smashed his phone to pieces and gave them cash for a new one. I told him if it ever gets out it would be his head on the sidewalk next. I already got the company on it and told them it was a dare and it was going to be twisted into something it wasn’t. I’ve got this, it's gonna be ok.”
“No, it's not! It's not ok! I almost ruined everything! How do you know the person didn’t already have it backed up!? Chan, I can’t do this,” Felix forced himself away from Chan and brought his knees to his chest as he hyperventilated. It should’ve been ok. Chan handled it all already. Felix still couldn’t shake the immense guilt and the infinite what-ifs that flooded his mind overtaking any sense of rational thought.
“It’s going to be ok, I’ve got you,” Chan rested his hand on Felix’s back, respecting his need for space in the moment.
“No you were right, 100% this is too risky, you were so fucking right,” Chan’s words from just weeks ago circled his head mockingly. Felix opened up about his feelings. Chan shared the same love but told Felix multiple times it was a bad idea. He even suggested just being friends that occasionally kiss and cuddle you know no strings attached before he finally gave in and let himself have what he wanted for so long. Chan was so cautious that not even the members were going to know, at least for now. Neither of them could have predicted his words would be proven so soon, “I’m so sorry, I love you, but I’m sorry. I never should’ve pushed.” His heart felt like it had imploded with the realization that this thing between them could blow everything up. The realization that Felix wouldn’t be able to handle that happening and only had one option.
“Felix,” Chan’s voice cracking felt like barbed wire strangling his heart, “you don’t mean that do you?”
“I should’ve just listened to you and no one would’ve gotten hurt! We can still lose it all! How are you not fucking pissed at me!?” Felix initially ignored the question, “How can you be so calm trying to fix things?! Of course, I mean it, you said it first! You were the one that told me this was a bad idea.” Felix would’ve sold his soul to the devil if it meant he could go back in time and listen to Chan.
“Fuck,” Chan sobbed, “you can’t be fucking serious!” There was the anger he was expecting from Chan; it was almost a relief.
“Even if you fixed it, I could fuck it up again! I am dead serious this could ruin everything we have fought for! I can’t have that hanging over me, I can’t live with myself If I ruin everything.” Felix yelled back loud enough to scare some birds roosting in the tree above them. It was the only thing that made sense to him at the moment. If they wanted Stray Kids to work, if they somehow avoided this from blowing up, Felix couldn’t let there be a risk of it happening again.
“Felix that's so fucked up, I am willing to risk it all for you and you want to back out?!”
“I know! I know it's fucked up! I am fucked up but I can’t do this! I can’t! Be mad at me! I am mad at me! I don't care,” that was the biggest lie he had told in his entire life he cared too much. He knew he would fuck it up again if there even was a chance and he loved them all so much that Felix just couldn’t take the risk. He should’ve just kept the stupid crush to himself.
“I can’t do this without you,” Chan’s anger faded with a choked sorrowful sob.
“I-I’ll still be here. I-I promise I won’t let that change. I’ll never leave your side but I just… I can’t be this! I can’t! Not right now, not with everything at stake… maybe not ever… I don’t know I fucked up so bad!” Everything in Felix wanted to turn and hold Chan as he cried despite being a sobbing mess himself. If he gave in he may take back his words, but he never wanted to feel this pain ever again and if he gave in he knew it was inevitable.
“Can I at least have one last kiss, please?” Chan moved to be in front of Felix, tilting his head up by his chin.
“No, Chan, I'm sorry,” Felix had to look away. He wanted nothing more than one last kiss, but he couldn’t face Chan and lie. His voice and body were trembling enough as is as he tried to hold onto what little resolve he had left. If he looked up, one or both of them might break. “If we do, I may not be able to stop myself. We can’t do this. I should’ve listened and this never would’ve happened. You were right, I am so sorry.” Felix lifted his eyes just enough to watch as Chan began to walk away.
“Bye.”
“W—” Felix wanted to tell him to wait. He wanted to take it all back, he regretted every word even if he knew, for now, this was best for everyone. Everyone that wasn't the two of them at least. He would take the hurt if it meant they didn’t have to go through the pain of losing everything. Even so, he lost his everything… his world. He watched as Chan disappeared into the dense fog that had settled over the area in the early morning hours. His body was shaking as he tried to conceal his sobs. Once Chan was out of sight, for a moment Felix contemplated buying a plane ticket home and disappearing. What good would that do when he only did this so that he wouldn’t fuck things up again so that their dream would be able to continue. Their team was already temporarily down a member and in the middle of a massive competition no less. One that could be their first major step to the top. Felix couldn’t do that to his family, not when they needed each other more than ever. He would have to suffer in silence, Chan did enough of that and now they were doing it together. Not the couple's activities he had imagined when not too long ago he looked into Chan’s bright eyes as they glistened with tears of joy after finally giving in to Felix’s prodding. He’d do anything to go back and just fucking listen to him for once.
“Hey.”
“Hey,” They exchanged awkwardly as Felix sat down on the bench. His brain may have been a bit fuzzy from the forced trip down memory lane but at least the night was clear. Even in this not-so-scenic spot, the moon reflecting off the water brought him some peace.
“You doing ok?”
“Yea, fine. Just you know a lot of change at once doesn’t settle well with me, but I’m ok,” Eh, at least that was sorta the truth, it wasn’t an outright lie at least so maybe it could pass for the full truth.
Chan didn’t say a word. He didn't need to his face said it all.
“Seriously, I’m good,” or at least he will be, “did you just drag me out of bed to ask if I’m ok?”
“If you say so… you don't have to tell me, but something upset you tonight and now you can't sleep. Am I right?” Chan demanded more so than asked, clearly not his intention by the pained sigh and awkward attempt at a smile that just made him look uncomfortable.
For a moment Felix contemplated saying no, but he knew at this point hiding it would only make the pain worse. They had been able to talk about the past recently without it being awkward or painful so maybe this wouldn’t be so bad, “Yes…” Felix finally exhaled.
“Would I be right to say it's about what Innie said about us living together?”
“Why are you in my head, get out,” Felix said playfully to shake off the tension that was building, “Yes as always you’re right. I just still have feelings sometimes but I swear it's ok, I’ll manage,” I always do, Felix left that part unsaid.
“Feelings?” Chan questioned, his voice stressed and almost a whole octave higher than usual.
“You aren't dumb Chan, you know what I mean,” Felix failed to hide the annoyance in his voice. It was more so directed at himself for admitting that out loud rather than at Chan.
“You still have feelings? For?” Felix had to fight the urge to roll his eyes at that, Chan had to know exactly what he was talking about.
“I have feelings for Innie,” he deadpanned, “No, of course for you! I promise they aren't going to get in the way of things. They haven’t since my whole fuck up so please, I'm fine. Promise.”
“I thought you moved on?” Oh… Chan was actually being serious.
“Wish I could say that I have,” Felix pursed his lips awkwardly as he tried to think of what was the socially acceptable thing to say next, “You have and I'm really happy for you, honestly.”
“Who said I have?” Chan scoffed with seemingly real offense.
“You have fucked half the industry Chan, I'm not blind,” It didn’t matter who, if there was a hole it was a goal for Chan or so that's what the rumors said. Felix was truly happy for him if that was the case; nothing wrong with letting off a little steam as long as NDA’s were signed and sealed.
“Again who said that meant I've moved on?” An uncomfortable silence covered them like a wet blanket; unsettling and suffocating.
“I don't know whether to be flattered or offended here…” Felix did his best to try to laugh away the tension but that only seemed to make things worse as Chan’s ears turned as red as Felix’s own had felt.
“Uh, maybe don't think that deeply about it I guess… Ok yup, that sounds really bad actually wow…”
“It's fine! I was never really hurt by it, therapy helps when I do have my moments,” His therapist was going to have a field day come Wednesday with all this, “Just sometimes I wish I could go back, but seriously don't worry about me. I'll be fine, I’m getting kinda tired I’ll just uh go…” Felix stood up, his body felt stiff yet also like wet spaghetti as he tried to walk in the general direction of home. He still had yet to process Chan basically admitting he hadn’t moved on either. That would be a tomorrow problem.(Maybe even a never problem)
“Felix,” He should’ve known better than to try to run, it didn’t take Chan but a moment to be in front of him, “Do you want to revisit that conversation?
“Do you? I don't need to I swear, I will be just fine,” there was an audible hitch in his voice that Felix knew Chan would pick up on and see right through his lie.
“I didn't ask if you needed to. I asked if you wanted to,” Chan held Felix by the shoulders as he guided them back to the bench.
Felix sighed heavily as he started, already defeated, “Even if we revisit it nothing has changed.” He didn’t want to have this conversation and he knew full well if he told Chan to drop it he would but the way Chan was acting concerned him enough to keep going.
“What do you mean?” Chan asked genuinely.
“The company, my parents, and a good chunk of the fanbase would hate me. My family is just now getting used to the idea I might be into guys too. They really don’t like it though… My sisters support me but they’ve told me what Mom and Dad say when I am not there. ‘At least there's still a chance,’ as if they care about nothing else than my future partner not having a dick. Doesn’t matter if I’m loved or not. Not to mention If anything accidently slipped again the kids would hate me because I would be the reason we disbanded. Or if you slipped the same goes, you’d at least have your parents though… I’d lose everything.” Felix huffed. He didn’t mean for it to come out as if he were frustrated but it felt like if he didn’t get the words out quick enough they were going to gag him.
“I can’t do anything about your parents… I wish I could. You don’t deserve that. Even if they say they love you, they should love you regardless of your orientation not despite it. The fans though, if they turned on us well that would just be culling the herd so to speak. It sucks, but I am not comfy with homophobes or stalkers so obsessed with us that a dating scandal would “ruin” their lives,” Chan wasn’t wrong there and to be fair it's something the kids have discussed at length but it's still a fear Felix had nonetheless. Fewer fans could mean less sales and even though he didn’t care about the numbers they still had to make the company money if they wanted to keep things going and that was the cruel reality of it all, “Ok, all that aside let me ask you this. Would you hate Jisung if he slipped up and kissed Minho in public and it turned into a whole scandal?”
“I could never hate him! That's my twin!” Felix took a long pause. He walked face first into that one, “Even if they wouldn’t hate me, which you can’t guarantee by the way, there’s still the company.”
“None of what I am saying is to pressure you at all Felix, but I just want to put things into perspective. You are aware all of the kids are taking that exact risk right now, right?”
“None of them have experienced what it feels like to be caught. They don’t even know about us… or I mean they never knew, you know…” They hadn’t been “us” for almost three years now.
“It’s not confirmed, but Felix they know. Even if they don’t know what happened they know we were together and broke it off for some reason. Or at least Changbin and Jisung do. Did I ever tell you about the day they cornered me in the studio?”
Yay, a new facet of this whole ordeal for Felix to include in his nightmares, fun, “No you haven’t.”
Chan looked almost sick at the memory playing in his head. Felix wanted to reach out, he wanted to hold him. They had been able to do that again recently without things becoming complicated, they were each other's comfort again. This however was too much of a gray area for Felix to even attempt, “I left my laptop open and Changbin used it to work on some songs. He went through some of the lyrics I was working on and between the two of them they put two and two together. I never named you but they figured it out. I didn’t confirm it either but I guess crying myself to sleep on the couch wasn’t exactly denying it.”
“I’m sorry, I put you through that, but it doesn’t change the fact it was us,” there’s that pesky word again, “Not them, dealing with it. I hope they never have to go through any of the fear and pain we did.”
“I don’t think they will Lix,” Chan suddenly seemed weirdly excited as he handed over his phone to him with a spreadsheet open detailing their contract negotiations, “Here, I don’t know if this helps and again don’t take this as me pressuring you, but I put this clause in for contract negotiations, it's a non-negotiable,” Felix read the highlighted statement to himself while Chan looked over his shoulder.
The company shall not use the member's personal beliefs, religion, relationship status, or sexual orientation as grounds for contract dissolution. In the event an issue should arise regarding the above unless by the member's own request, a temporary hiatus of activities shall not be used as punishment or damage control.
“You just put that in there to protect the others right? You had to,” This still didn’t change much in Felix’s brain. There were too many ways even the thought of trying again could go wrong.
“I did. We learned from experience. I’d be a fool to not use that to do all we can to protect each other. I also wrote it with the hope that if you knew about it and still had feelings maybe we could at least try talking about things again. I was going to wait to talk, but tonight well…”
“How could you even still have feelings for me after I did all that?” Felix was in disbelief. Chan had an answer for nearly every one of Felix’s concerns. How long has he been thinking about this?
“You kept your promise,” Chan tried to hide it but one small tear escaped. It didn't help that it was illuminated by the light of the moon almost as if they were phosphorescent by nature.
“Promise?” They had made a lot of promises over the years he could be referring to a million things.
“You promised you’d never leave my side. You never left me alone when things got tough. I maybe should’ve stayed mad, I wasn’t even mad for long either. And I was so mad at myself for not being mad that I just tried to pretend I was mad at you. Because when it came down to it you still had my back. If I needed you there was never a second of hesitation you were always there. Tonight, I saw you flinch. I saw the pain in your eyes. I knew you still felt something. Even if it wasn’t love. Even if it was just pain, I didn’t want you to deal with it alone. You’ve always done the same for me. We don’t have to even talk about it, but I want you to know I am here.” Chan wiped his face with a soft sigh followed by a forced smile. He was hurting too. Bad.
“I don't deserve that Chan really I don’t, not after how I broke things off. What changed? I don’t understand, it can't be just that.”
“When you cried for me… here. Remember?”
“I remember…” Oh, how he wished he could forget… Almost a year to the day of their breakup Felix did what any young adult going through a massive heartbreak did. Got drunk and revisited the scene of the crime. Chan found him sobbing on the bench completely inconsolable when Minho said he hadn’t returned home. All he repeated over and over was “I want you” until the words slurred into nothing. Chan took him home and tucked him in bed and they never spoke of it again, “I still d-don’t understand.” Felix’s throat betrayed him as his emotions came to the surface in the form of stuttered words.
“I let go of trying to be mad at you that night, and booked a therapy appointment the next day. I stopped looking for reasons to hate you, reasons to be mad and push away all my feelings. I was so conflicted and confused and hurt I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t understand it but I get it in a way now. The night you broke up with me I couldn’t see past my own thoughts. I had it handled in my mind and I thought you were overreacting. I have saved our asses many times. You know that’s not new to me. It's almost become a hobby at this point,” with a small chuckle from both of them the oppressive atmosphere began to slowly dissolve.
“Aside from your elimination and the situation we don't speak of, you have never had to face your dream ending so drastically before. I had become so used to the fear I couldn’t see just how scared you were. Not just that but your family situation complicated things too. It doesn't make how you handled it ok, but once it was put into perspective I finally started to heal. I could’ve done something more to try to support you back then. At the very least as a leader, I know I didn’t. I know I was harsh on you but I can’t take that back either. We both have some blame to take for how things happened after the fact. But after a while I forgave you, and bit by bit I fell in love again.”
It should’ve been comforting but it felt like his world was falling apart again. But at least he was falling into Chan. “In love again.” That broke him to pieces. Chan fell out of love, rightfully so because of Felix’s own actions. Chan also fell back in love with him. He didn’t deserve it. Felix didn’t deserve to cling to Chan’s hoodie as he sobbed. He didn’t deserve Chan holding him just as tight as the last bit of apprehension between them faded to nothing. But Chan loved him anyways. Felix couldn’t find words. Chan spoke so freely and put things together in a way Felix couldn’t even do on his best days. He had so much he wanted to say to Chan. “I-I love you~” he stammered, the words barely able to leave the confines of his aching chest.
“I love you too, but,” Oh god, Felix held his breath for what seemed like hours but it couldn't have been more than a few seconds, “Let's not talk about this tonight. You’re crying, I’m crying. Let's just get it out. It’s a lot to think about, I know you are still scared so we can revisit this anytime you are ready. But just so you know, I am not scared to try again. Just come to me whenever you’re ready.”
Chan carried him home that night. Felix fell asleep somewhere along the way. Onlookers probably thought he was a passed-out drunk or something but they made it home without trouble. Felix waited until his therapy appointment to even address the fact that Chan still loved him, or loved him again. Over the next few days, compartmentalization was the name of the game. More so than the fact Chan still loved him it hit him hard that he was officially forgiven. Chan never said it explicitly in those words. Not that he had to and he definitely didn’t have to forgive him in the first place, but Felix was handed a second chance at love and happiness. Not many people get that chance. Felix felt like a fool to not take it immediately and hold onto it with greed that would rival that of a dragon with their hoard. He knew he needed to sit with it though. He needed to be sure. Chan deserved an answer that had no lingering doubts.
Problem 1. His Family
Chan solved that one for him during their conversation. He was right they should not love him despite his choices but regardless. What they thought didn’t matter. He had already been working on that for years in therapy. So just keep moving forward with that. Check.
Problem 2. The “Fans”
His therapist asked what part of him was worried. What specific part of himself did that pull on? “People pleaser,” he answered after a moment of thought. A habit he tried so desperately to break. Pleasing others at his own detriment in an attempt to feel love. A trauma response developed early. He could also blame the Catholic guilt for that one. Again this was something he'd probably have to work on for a very long time. But he had come a long way from where he started. Check.
Problem 3. The Members
Nothing could make them hate each other. They were family. They were all assuming the same risk knowing if nothing else they had each other. If Felix wouldn't hate them if something happened then it was kind of insulting for him to think they would hate him. They've never given him a reason to think that it only tied back to his own insecurities. He was working on that. Most of the problems that he faced weren’t going to have instantaneous solutions. Rome wasn't built in a day after all so, check.
Problem 4. The Company
Chan had that all squared away. He was going to protect them, all of them. He had a solid plan too. He trusted Chan and he trusted the members if everyone was on board he was too. Check.
Problem 5. Himself
His biggest obstacle. It was really the root of all of the above. After a few intense months of talking with his therapist twice a week, he finally was able to really start to process it all. He was even able to start the process of forgiving himself. It was only three years ago but that kid he was, was terrified and traumatized. His brain wasn’t even in a good enough state for a relationship. It took him all these years to realize that. He panicked and at the time it made sense with the information that was available in his head. Felix did what he had to at the moment to survive, doesn’t make it right but it makes it make sense. In life sometimes that's all that matters, survival.
It was hard work trying to heal himself and even harder now that everything was brought to the surface again. The panic attacks and nightmares returned briefly. He hoped Chan didn’t have as rough of a time dealing with things as he was. For the moment he couldn't focus on that. His goal wasn’t to heal because he wanted to be with Chan; That was never the goal of starting therapy in the first place years ago. He did it so that he could love himself first and foremost. He couldn’t pour from an empty cup and that's with anything. That had to be put as his first priority.
With that said, now that time had passed and the love was still there he had to get over the fear of what could go wrong if he wanted to do anything about it. He spent a whole session throwing out every what-if question that plagued him. He had to get comfortable with the fact things still could go wrong with Chan and life in general. Using that fear as an excuse to hide or run was no longer an acceptable option for him. He was in a healthier place and if anything cropped up Felix knew they’d be able to discuss things rather than run away. He had to come to terms that life wouldn’t end the moment something didn’t go as planned. If he kept leaning into that fear across all aspects of his life there was no way he could grow and experience all the things this life had to offer him. It wasn’t fair to himself, to their team, to the fans, or to Chan.
There was one therapy session finally dedicated just to what he wanted to do with all this information. Chan left the door open for him, didn’t make things awkward, and just went back to his normal self. Felix found himself hesitating from time to time to just be normal but that wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. If he waited until the time was right it likely would never happen. He'd find a reason to put things off indefinitely. He was hesitating now even with the decision made, roses in hand, waiting in front of Chan’s door. It was cliche, but Chan loved that sort of thing.
Felix made sure it would be just them. He had Seungmin invite Jeongin over before he snuck out. It was all planned at least. Seungmin was filled in and entirely on board with the plan, albeit he was saddened when he heard the full story.
Felix finally knocked after a long while just staring at the door and he waited… and waited. He was sure Chan should’ve been home, he finally got the courage to say something and of course, Chan wasn’t home. He sighed to himself and went over things in his head, this was just a small hiccup it meant nothing. If he could do it once he could do it again. Such a tiny little problem wouldn’t deter him like it would’ve some months ago. He just laughed to himself hoping the flowers would last long enough to give them to Chan. Life was busy and they were back and forth with the tour, but that's ok even if they wilted beforehand Felix could always buy more. He hoped he could buy him flowers like this for the rest of their lives.
With a little huff, Felix turned around to walk back to his side of the apartment complex and the little huff turned into a major “oof” as he ran smack into Chan, dropping the roses to the ground. That’s what he gets for looking at the ground instead of what was in front of him as he turned.
“Hey!”
“Hey,” Chan helped Felix steady himself before retrieving the roses off the floor, “Who are these for?”
“Innie, I thought he’d want a dozen bruised roses for no reason,” Felix tried to hold back the laughter. Chan knew who they were for he wasn’t that oblivious.
“Wanna go inside?”
“That would be good yea…”
Inside, Chan went to the kitchen to put the roses in a vase while Felix did his best to make himself comfortable on the couch. Or as comfortable as he could be with his leg shaking at about a mile a minute. He had only been to their apartment a few times and never really took a chance to look around. The pair really had an eye for interior design. The decor was sleek and modern, with a touch of color here and there to break up the whites and grays. Clean too unlike their former dorm, but how messy can a place get when you are hardly home?
“The roses are gorgeous Lixie,” Chan smiled as he sat them down in the center of the coffee table.
“Lixie,” Chan hadn't called him that in a long time. It nearly made him turn into a puddle right there. “Can I just skip to asking you questions? I'm nervous.”
“Go ahead,” Chan sat on the opposite side of the couch facing Felix with his legs crossed comfortably as he listened.
“Do you really want to try again?” stupid question, but Felix needed to hear it out loud.
“Do you think you are in a place where you want to try again? I don't want to push you if you're not ready,” Chan asked in return.
“I honestly don't know if I'll ever feel fully ready, but I know I'm ready to try if you'll have me. I still have a lot of healing to do, you have a lot of healing to do but I think my brain is in a good enough place where I'm able to handle things a lot better.”
“Can't get anywhere if you don't put one foot forward right?” Chan laughed shyly, the sound eased the beating of Felix's heart but only momentarily, “If we do, I want to start fresh. Clean slate, the past never happened kind of thing. Could you do that?”
Felix was confused, wasn't that the plan to begin with, he needed Chan to clarify, “I don't know, what do you mean by that?”
“I don't want to think you are doing things to make up for what happened. I want to know you want to be with me and do things together that make us happy because you want to. Not out of pity or something.” For a moment it sounded like a bit of anger slipped through but rightfully so. Felix would hate it if someone did the same to him.
“I like that yea, clean slate. I just want to say you know before moving anything forward you really don't have to worry about me running away again. It's not fair to anyone, me, you, or the kids.” Felix knew if Chan was asking for a clean slate he probably wasn't worried but for the sake of his own anxiety, he wanted that out there.
“You kept your promise to stick by me. If you were going to run away you would've already done it by now,” Chan laughed softly and any hint of anger was gone. With that, Felix saw an opportunity to make what he thought would be a good joke.
“Who says? I. Am. Speed,” he said all through laughter as he got up to run across the living room. He wasn't going far in the first place, but he barely got two steps away from the couch before a strong arm brought him to a screeching halt. Felix squealed happily as he was pulled into Chan's arms.
“Gotta be quicker than that,” he joked back in an old man's voice quoting an old viral commercial they saw in some stupid compilation that had them laughing hysterically in each other's arms. Felix draped himself comfortably around Chan, resting in his lap as if it had always been his home, and tried to deafen his cackling in the fabric of Chan’s hoodie.
When the laughter died down Chan spoke first, “Felix, fresh contract, fresh start, fresh us, fresh everything right?”
Felix could not take him seriously and started cackling again, “Why are you so corny!?”
“What do you mean?!” Chan was confused but still laughing just because Felix was.
“That was a joke, right? You know ‘Fresh taste, fresh scent, fresh shape, fresh everything’ from Superbowl!”
“That was entirely unintentional, Lix!”
“Suuuuure it was,” Felix giggled as he scrunched up his nose cutely, “In any case I like the idea of fresh everything. I love you.” Felix let himself be the first to officially say it, now that things had settled. It was as easy and as natural as breathing. Three words, eight letters, they carried a hefty weight but at the same time, they had Felix feel as if he were floating weightlessly.
“I love you too,” the air in the room sank around them but not an uneasy air more an anxiously excited one, “Can I kiss you?”
“I am not going to want to stop, I hope you know that,” Felix said sheepishly trying to hide his stupidly excited smile.
“Me either.” Chan had his arms draped around Felix’s shoulders just as Felix’s were draped around his. Their eyes locked, searching each other for any sign of hesitation before Felix gently closed his and leaned in. They were hardly even kissing at first, too busy smiling like idiots to actually move their lips. Once the initial excitement died down a new excitement settled in its place. It was like they were trying to make up for the years of lost moments. Chan’s hands had moved to Felix’s cheeks holding him firmly in place. Felix held Chan close too, carding his fingers through the curly hair at the base of his neck. They held onto this moment like it was their last, despite knowing it was the first of many to come. The lips moved with passion against each other yet uncoordinated and clumsy at the same time as they seemed to be drunk on each other. Felix didn’t even realize he had tears rolling down his cheeks until Chan wiped them away without breaking the kiss.
“I’m fine,” Felix mumbled against Chan’s lips, “Just happy.” He kept his words short not wanting to let their lips separate for much longer.
“Me too,” He mumbled back.
Off in the distance, Felix heard Seungmin scream, snapping him out of it. “It’s my house why can’t I– Oh,” Jeongin locked eyes with Felix as he climbed out of Chan’s lap awkwardly.
“That's why!” Seungmin groaned in frustration at his boyfriend, “I am so sorry Felix, really I tried.”
Jeongin just stood there as Seungmin apologized on their behalf, staring as if he was watching a train wreck in real time, “I thought you were…” Jeongin couldn’t even finish his statement as he tilted his head like a confused puppy.
“We're together now,” Felix beamed proudly, “Again.”
Seungmin did a little victory dance as Jeongin still stared in absolute bewilderment, “Let’s go to dinner, double date?” Chan suggested with a painfully awkward smile, “I’ll pay to make up for traumatizing the baby.”
“He really shouldn’t be that traumatized. We were just—”
“Double date sounds great!” Jeongin screamed to stop Seungmin from finishing his sentence.
“Ice cream after?” Chan spoke only loud enough for Felix to hear, not that they could hear him over their bickering anyway, “Just us?”
“It’s a date,” Felix said loud enough to make sure he was heard and all eyes were on them as he stole a quick kiss before bouncing off the couch. He was excited for the chaos to come now that everything was falling into place. He might be a little scared but not only did he have Chan right there to help, he had three other couples, six other loving members they could rely on. Two of the couples had years of experience under their belt in the same specific, precarious position. All in all, Felix was completely confident that even if there was a bit of stormy weather ahead they could handle it like they always have, together.