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Chapter Text

Jessika Pava is on the landing strip outside the base on D’Qar when it happens and she has no idea what’s going on.

The ship touches down on the planet’s surface and everyone can tell from the markings that the vessel is First Order. She’s got her blaster out and at the ready, braced in a defensive position as the door to the ship opens and polished white armor shows through the opening. There are others forming a defensive line behind her, but they allow her to continue forward. 

She mentally curses each of them but steps closer to the ship and announces herself. “This is Lieutenant Jessika Pava with the Resistance. Come out with your hands up and state your name and business!” 

A helmet and blaster are tossed out on the ground before her and Jessika tenses, finger curling around the trigger of her blaster, ready to fire.

The helmet is a Stormtrooper’s. 

A voice comes from within the ship as the person at the door steps out, hands in the air, eyes darting around in a panic. The speaker is young, no older than 17, blonde curls falling over his forehead. Behind him stands a girl, the same age, tanned skin standing out against her white armor, black hair pulled into a tight bun on the back of her head. She tosses her helmet and weapon out onto the ground as well. She wobbles on her feet.

“Designation KR-0598, behind me is KS-2528, ma’am,” the boy says, holding himself stiffly, eyes finally falling to Jessika, who he seems to pick out as the commanding officer in the situation. She thinks she probably is the highest ranking one there, but she still has no idea how to handle this. 

“State your intentions, KR-0598,” Pava orders. 

The boy sags a little, his eyes growing slightly panicked again. “Kas… I mean, KS-2528 and I, and the squadron,” and oh kriff, there are more of them? “we came in search of someone. We’re looking for Commander Poe Dameron. We heard a man by that name helped FN-2187 escape.”

Pava thinks she’s going to strangle her commanding officer the next time she sees him.

Jessika has two of the techs who happened to be out there with her retrieve the discarded helmets and weapons, instructs KR-0598 to retrieve whoever else they’ve got on board with them, keeps an eye on KS-2528 as the girl sways dangerously on her feet, orders another tech to page someone from medical. 

There are twelve other people on board and they are all children. 

They all discard helmets and small blasters on the ground at Jessika’s feet and stand by the ship at attention, hands in the air. Jess thinks she might be sick. 

The techs collect the rest of the weapons off the ground and Jess kicks the helmets out of the way, approaches the ship and its passengers, hears others pouring out of the hangar behind her. 

Took them long enough.

“How old are you?” she asks. 

“Seventeen, ma’am, so is KS-2528. The cadets are all nine years old,” the answer isn’t really spoken to her. The boy is looking dead ahead, not at Jess.

KS-2528 grabs the side of the ship door  to steady herself. Jess turns and barks an order to the people coming up behind her. 

“Take the girl to medical. The others stay with me.” She doesn’t leave room to argue. She’s small, but she’s infuriated right now, looking at these children who shouldn’t be looking like this. “And somebody tell Dameron to get his ass to the Pilot Commons.”

Medics rush to KS-2528, sweeping the girl onto a stretcher just before it looks like she’s going to fall. KR-0598′s eyes go wide, but he says nothing. 

“All of you,” Jess turns to the squadrons of children, “follow me. Scour that ship. Make sure it’s clean then park it next to Black One. Its Dameron’s problem now.” Jessika says, adding the last part just to piss off her Commander.

She knows he’ll appreciate it after he gets a chance to pick apart a First Order ship.

Jessika takes the squadron to the Pilot Commons, the common area that was open to anyone, but used by the pilots so frequently, they’d claimed it as their own. 

Poe isn’t there when she arrives and she really wants to make sure the poor KS girl got to medical, wants to know what’s wrong with her, so she grabs the first person to walk by the room – some pilot from Dagger Squadron– tells them not to let anyone in but Poe Dameron, and takes off with a parting, “He’ll be here soon. None of you leave.”

KR-0598 starts pacing immediately once Jessika leaves, his hands wringing together because troopers who go to medical don’t always come back and he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t know what they were thinking…

He stops pacing when his thoughts are cut off by a voice belonging to a man in an orange flight suit.

Poe walks into the Pilot Commons unsure of what to expect. He’s blown away when he sees what’s waiting for him. They’d said Stormtroopers. They hadn’t said children. 

Poe doesn’t know what to think. 

He speaks instead. 

“I heard you came here looking for me,” Poe says, voice strong, but not loud or threatening. They are Stormtroopers, but they’re only children. He doesn’t miss the way the tallest one moves to stand between Poe and the younger troopers. “I’m Commander Poe Dameron. What are you looking for me for?”

“I’m designation KR-0598, and we heard you helped FN-2187 escape.” 

The young boy stands at attention, hands clasped behind his back, eyes fixed dead ahead. Poe can tell that standing this way is hurting him somehow, but he doubts the boy will ever say anything. He’ll get to that in a moment. 

“You heard right, kid,” Poe says softly, “But his name is Finn. FN-2187 is a serial number. And you guys are people, not things. Things get serial numbers. People get names.” Poe looks them all over carefully, twelve children in Stormtrooper armor over standard issue black under layers and one older boy obviously responsible enough to get them all here, but still, all of them children. Poe thinks he might be sick, but he shoves the feeling down. “What should I call you guys?” Poe asks, hoping he’ll get more than serial numbers.

KR-0598 hesitates before saying quietly, “Well, Commander, my squad mates used to call me Kicks.”

“You wanna keep that nickname?” The boy nods. “We can give you a name later on if you decide that’s what you want.” Kicks nods again and looks to the younger ones behind him, pointing them out and giving Poe their designations. 

They go through the girls first and then the boys, six of each. Poe wonders how his life came to this, standing in the Pilot Commons naming child Stormtroopers.

SA-3421 they decide to call Sola.

KN-5692 they call Kandria.

KN-0067 becomes Kendri.

KC-8675 keeps her nickname, KC.

KD-2005 wants to be called Kade.

SA-9931 gets the name Scerra.

The boys stick to nicknames they had already, Switch, Two, Zap, Red, Tip and Wick.

Poe smiles at them when they’re finished, glad that they’re just as accepting of names as Finn was, then turns to Kicks.

“Kid, what’s wrong with your shoulder?”

The boy’s eyes go wide again, and he shakes his head, taking a step back.

“Nothing, Commander. I’m fine. KS-2528 and I are both fit for active service. She doesn’t need to be in medical. She’s fine, sir. We both are.” His hands fidget and twist together in front of him. Poe stands directly in front of him and tries not to appear intimidating.

“Kicks, I asked you what’s wrong with your shoulder. Can you give me an honest answer?” Kicks’ hands are shaking now. “Kid, I want to help you guys. But I can’t do that if you’re lying to me. Are any of you injured?”

There’s a beat. A long pause that drags out as Poe watches Kicks, the smaller kids watching Poe back nervously.

Kicks finally draws in a deep breath and says, “Dislocated right shoulder, sir. It was fixed for me before we left. Its fine. Just… healing still. I’m still good to fight. And a couple of the cadets,” he turns around, calls Switch and Scerra forward. They place themselves so they’re partially hidden behind Kicks. “Switch and SA…. I mean, Scerra, they’ve both got sprained wrists, but they’re healing. They’ll be back to normal in a couple days. Its nothing to be concerned about, Commander.”

Poe shakes his head and sighs and reaches for the comm on his belt. “Snap, get down to PC. I need you to take a trip to medical.”

Kicks’ eyes goes wide and he shakes his head. “Commander Dameron, that’s not necessary. We’re fine. They’re healing fine, they don’t need to go to medical. Kas doesn’t need to be there either. Please, sir.”

Poe looks back up, catching Kicks’ panicked look and pushes himself upright from where he’d been leaning against a wall.

He reaches out, places a hand on Kicks’ good shoulder and looks directly into his eyes. “Buddy. Its okay. Snap is one of my squadron. He’s a good man, and you, Scerra and Switch will be safe with him. He’s going to take you three to medical and they’ll fix up the kids’ wrists, probably give you a sling for your shoulder. It’ll be okay.”

Kicks’ face falls, but he nods, and chokes out the words, “Yes, Commander.”

Snap takes a while to get down to the Pilot Commons. He comes into the room with a smile on his face and claps Poe on the shoulder.

“Apparently, you’re collecting strays, Poe,” Snap jokes, and Kicks’ brow furrows in confusion. He looks up at Poe and opens his mouth, before snapping it shut. “What is it, kid?” Snap asks, turning towards him, smile still in place.

Kicks shakes his head. “I’m sorry, sir, I just thought… Commander Dameron said you were one of his squadron. We didn’t know you were a Commander as well.”

Snap shakes his head, steps forward and offers a hand to shake. “Nope. Lieutenant Temmin Wexley, but everyone calls me Snap.”

Kicks reaches out tentatively and shakes Snap’s hand. “KR-0598, Lieutenant.”

Poe shakes his head. “He wants to be called Kicks. That’s what his squad called him.”

Snap nods, releasing Kicks’ hand and placing his hands on his hips. “Nice to meet you Kicks. You can call me Snap. I’m here to take a couple of you to medical, is that right?“

Kicks tenses again but he nods and beckons Scerra and Switch forward. “Commander,” Kicks acknowledges, saluting Poe as he walks by, obviously biting back a wince at the way his shoulder moves.

The second he puts his hand down, Scerra and Switch latch onto him, holding his hands tightly. Kicks winces when Switch tugs too hard on his arm, but says nothing even as the young boy aggravates his injured shoulder.

Poe turns his attention to the other children as Snap leads the three out of the room and does the first thing he can think of. He tells them stories of Finn.

He tries not to think about the way they watch Kicks go like they’ll never see him again.

Kicks grips Scerra and Switch’s hands tightly as he leads them down the hall, following Snap.

He doesn’t understand the way Snap had interacted with Poe Dameron. Poe is Snap’s commanding officer. If Kicks or any of the cadets acted that way, they’d be punished, but Poe had smiled, and seemed happy to see his Lieutenant. Kicks doesn’t understand.

As soon as he can put a little distance between them and Snap, Kicks bends a little, whispering to Scerra and Switch, “We’ll be okay. Your injuries aren’t bad. They’ll heal in less than a week.” He can’t help but notice the way the cadets are shaking. He doesn’t want to think that they might encounter Kas in medical. He doesn’t want to think that they might never see her again. “I’ve never heard about someone getting decommissioned for a sprain. You’ll be okay.“

He doesn’t say what he’s thinking about himself. His firing arm’s been compromised, and the doctor will know. A Stormtrooper who can’t fire is no good to anyone.

Medical is a lot quieter than Kicks expects, and the first thing they see when they walk in is a woman in an orange flight suit, her arm bent at an angle that shouldn’t be possible, a medic hovering around her, examining her injury, cutting her out of her flight suit. There’s blood at her temple and there’s a droid coming up behind her at the medic’s beckoning, and Kicks thinks this is it. 

This is where the woman gets decommissioned. 

But she doesn’t. 

The droid helps the medic ease the woman into a bed, uncaring that she’s staining the clean white sheets, and moves on. The medic stays with the woman, and Kicks and the cadets move on. 

He thinks the woman must be of some importance, otherwise they’d never keep a soldier wounded that severely. 

Kicks doesn’t look back, doesn’t want to see what happens next. He doesn’t know and he doesn’t think he wants to. 

He holds Switch and Scerra’s hands a little tighter. 

Snap leads them through medical towards the back of the area, greeting a man in a white coat and a woman in brown robes as they pass them. They end up in a small room in the back, a single bed in the corner, sink on the wall opposite, various medical supplies on the counter around it. There’s no windows and only one door out. 

It opens seconds after it closes behind Snap and a strict looking woman comes in, her gray hair pulled back into a tight bun, clipboard in hand. She raises an eyebrow at their white armor, flicks her gaze to Snap and then says, “What seems to be the problem?”

Snap says quietly, “Poe sent me with ‘em, they’re a couple of the ones who came in today, said they should come pay a visit. This is Kicks, and I don’t know about the little ones.” 

“Switch and Scerra,” Kicks answers quietly. “Sprained wrists on the cadets, both left side. Shoulder injury on me. Right side.” 

Finn rushes to medical the second Poe tells him where he sent Kicks and the two younger troopers. 

He remembers it vividly, it wasn’t that long ago after all, the fear of being sent to the medical unit, fear that you wouldn’t come back. Anyone with injuries more severe than simple cuts, scrapes and occasionally sprains would be decommissioned without a second thought from any of the medics. 

The children are probably terrified, and Finn knows how to calm them. 

Karé Kun, one of Poe’s old squadron, is getting a cast on her arm when Finn walks in, her flight suit cut away from her arm. She directs him the way she saw Snap take them, and wishes him luck. 

Finn knocks quietly before opening the door to the room he’s directed to, coming in slowly. Snap is sitting in the corner, looking over something on his comm, while Kicks and the two younger troopers, Switch and Scerra, he thinks, sit on the bed, one kid on each side of Kicks. 

Finn shuts the door behind him, and gives a short wave to Snap when the other man looks up, then turns his attention to the children. 

Kicks straightens out when he sees Finn is looking at him, sliding off the bed to stand at attention. Finn notices the way the boy winces when Switch hangs onto his arm. 

Kicks looks at Finn, gives the man a once over and then says, “So you’re the one that’s going to do it, huh?” He sounds resigned, but Finn can tell by the way his hands are shaking that he’s afraid. “Let’s just go outside, at least. Please. I don’t want the cadets to see this.”

Finn shakes his head, a sad smile crossing his lips. “Hey, no. That’s not... its not like that here.”

Kicks scoffs. “Right. A soldier who can’t use his firing arm is no good.”

“I am right. My name’s Finn. You probably know me by FN-2187. I used to be a Stormtrooper.” 

Switch and Scerra jump off the bed and run towards Finn, looking up at him with wide eyes, both speaking at the same time. 

“You’re real? Oh Maker, you’re real! We thought you were a myth. Captain Phasma told us you never really existed, but everyone talked about you...”

“Everyone was telling stories, even a few of the officers and we didn’t know you were really real but we ran anyway, and Kicks helped us and...”

Finn cuts them both off, smiling gently, drops down to one knee so he’s on their level. “I am very much real, and you’re all very brave. It takes a lot of guts to do what you did.”

“You did it too!” Switch exclaims.

“Well I had help from a friend,” Finn says softly, then looks up at Kicks. “Pava says you’re only seventeen. You got an entire squad of cadets out on your own? I’m impressed, Kicks.” Finn says, standing and holding out a hand to shake. 

Kicks just stares, somewhere between Finn’s hand and his chest, taking a moment before he reaches out. “I had help. KS-2528, Kas, I think she’s already... I believe she was already decommissioned. But she helped. We got them out together.”

Finn takes a step closer, claps a hand onto the shoulder he thinks isn’t injured, his heart breaking for the boy in front of him. 

“We do not decommission people here. You are not things that can be thrown out when they get a little banged up,” Finn says, and he realizes he’s repeating the words that Poe said to him when Finn was in Kicks’ position. “I promise you, Kas is still alive. We’ll make sure she gets better.” Kicks is still looking at him warily. Finn sighs, the sad smile coming back. “I know how scary it is, I was in your position only a few weeks ago. But I even spent a week in a coma and I’m still here. I took a lightsaber to the back, and no one ever said a word about getting rid of me. That doesn’t happen here.” As he speaks, Finn tugs aside the collar of his shirt and the collar of Poe’s jacket to show where his scar peeks up over his shoulder.

Kicks’ eyes blow wide in shock. “You weren’t decommissioned for that? That goes down your whole back? How...?”

“It does, and I told you, there’s no decommissioning. Its wrong. They’ll take care of you here, I promise. I’m going to find out where your friend is when the medic comes back in and we’ll take you to see her soon as we can, okay?”

Kicks nods, and for the first time since Finn stepped into the room, probably the first time in a very long time, Kicks smiles. 

Finn smiles right back. 

Chapter Text

When the medic, Dr. Azri, returns, Snap leaves, clapping Finn on the shoulder and wishing him luck. Finn nods and watches carefully as Dr. Azri helps Kicks into a sling so that his previously dislocated shoulder can heal. Kicks looks down at his arm and then up at Finn in disbelief, like he’s still processing the fact that he’s going to be okay. 

Finn smiles and steps closer to him as the medic attends to Switch and Scerra. “You’re all going to be okay. I promise. Poe’s talking to the General as we speak. He’s going to make sure you guys get a place to stay on base where you’re comfortable, and he’ll make sure you’re all okay here. He’s got the others with him and Jessika. They’re all okay too.”

Kicks grins like he never has before. 

Switch and Scerra get their injuries wrapped up quickly and they’re all under orders to do no strenuous activity for the next few days, especially Kicks so that he doesn’t do any serious damage to the shoulder that hasn’t properly healed yet. 

Finn speaks to the doctor quickly and then ushers the three kids out of the room, and to the right, looking for Dr. Kalonia, the woman who had helped him while he was in medical, and who Dr. Azri had told him is taking care of Kicks’ friend Kas. 

They pass by Karé Kun, who waves her good arm at the kids and beckons them all over. Showing off her cast, the pilot says, “You lot looked a little panicked coming in here, ‘specially when you saw me. I’m alright now, and it looks like you all are too. Glad to see it. Kalonia went to the west wing. I think that’s where they’re keeping the other girl. Scram Finn. Bring the kids to their friend.”

Finn smiles, tells Karé that he’ll send Iolo down to visit her if they cross paths and heads off, herding the kids along with him. 

“We saw her when we came in,” Kicks explains. “I thought she was going to be decommissioned right in front of us, but the medic and the droid working on her just brought her to sit and helped her out. They even damaged her uniform to help her. I thought... they’re really nice here. Its going to take a while to get used to.”

“Who was she?” Scerra asks, tugging at Finn’s jacket. 

Finn smiles and takes a hold of Scerra’s good hand. “That’s Karé. She’s a friend. Before Poe came to the Resistance, she flew for him. Now that they’re both here, she’s a Captain and she has her own squadron.”

Finn tells them the same story when they ask about the person they’d mentioned, tells them that Iolo came to the Resistance with Karé and Poe. By the time he’s done talking, they’ve found Dr. Kalonia. 

Kalonia takes one look at Finn and the three children easily identifiable as the tiny Stormtroopers-even though they had had to strip down to their blacks when their injuries were being tended to-and rolls her eyes. 

“Come on. She shouldn’t be having visitors, but I think this might help in her case.” Kalonia leads them towards the private areas for longer stays in medical, where Finn had been only a few weeks before, and pauses outside a door. “She’s got a concussion, and a couple bruised ribs, and she’s scared, so be careful in there, you hear me kids?” She points at Scerra and Switch. The kids nod and Kicks is in the door as soon as Kalonia opens it. 

He stands over Kas’ bed and takes her hand, a hysterical little laugh bubbling out of him. “She’s alive. Maker, she’s alive,” Kicks whispers.

“I told you she’d be okay,” Finn says quietly.

The girl’s eyes flutter open, and she winces as she twists too quickly to see who’s in the room with her. 

Switch and Scerra climb up onto the edge of the bed with Kas and sit there, content to just be close to her. Their little faces are lit up so brightly, Finn can’t help but smile too. He mouths a thank you to Kalonia who pretends not to notice and then smiles anyway. 

“Kicks?” Kas mutters, looking towards the boy. 

He nods, squeezes her hand. “Yeah its me. We’re okay. We’re gonna be okay. All of us. There’s no... It doesn’t happen here. There’s no decommissioning here. None. Ever. Not even for comas.” Kicks looks to Finn, then back to Kas. “We met FN-2187. He goes by Finn, now. The girls all got names, and the boys, their nicknames are their real names now. We’re not just designations anymore. We did it Kas.”

Kalonia lets them stay a little longer than she probably should, but Finn doesn’t comment. 

The kids smile the whole way back from medical and Finn can’t help but smile along. He brings the three by supply first, gets them some clothes to wear and gives them a chance in one of the ‘freshers in the common area so they can change out of their Stormtrooper blacks and into something more comfortable. 

The forest green pants and black shirts, designed to blend in in the jungle surrounding to base, are nothing special, but the kids are all smiling even wider when they emerge and Finn’s heart swells. 

He doesn’t know how to describe the feeling in his chest, he’s still not good at the specifics of emotions, but the feeling is good, really, really good, and Finn is more than happy. 

By the time he gets the three kids he’s been taking care of to the mess hall where Poe told him to come after the trip to medical, Finn doesn’t think his day can get any better.

It does.

When they enter the mess hall, Finn can see all of the kids have been given some clothing from supply, so they’re no longer in their armor. Poe has Wick, the smallest of the group, on his shoulders, the pilot laughing as Snap tells the kids a story, sound effects and all. Pava is braiding Kendri’s hair, and Kade and Kandria both have theirs done up already. Iolo is there too, a couple of the other pilots, BB-8, R2-D2. C-3PO is thankfully nowhere in sight.

Scerra and Switch look to Kicks and then Finn for permission before the take their place with the other children, smiles on their faces, despite being terrified they would have to watch the boy who helped them escape the First Order be decommissioned because his firing arm was compromised only a few minutes before.

Kicks hangs back, takes a seat near Finn and Pava, and listens to the tail end of Snap’s story. 

When Snap is finished speaking, Kade looks up at Poe with a smile and nods. “We can do it now.”

Poe smiles back at her and grabs Zap from behind, careful of Wick still on his shoulders. “Alright, the boss-lady has spoken. Time to eat.” 

Finn smiles at the way Kade beams at Scerra and Switch, the little girl whispering, “We wanted to wait just in case. What’s on Kicks’ arm?”

“They’ll be really happy that Kas wasn’t decommissioned,” Kicks says to Finn quietly as they watch the kids surrounding Poe as he passes out trays with child-sized portions of food. Kicks looks at it and asks, “Is it... that’s food?” Finn nods. “Its gonna take some getting used to all this, I guess. How did you figure it all out so quickly?”

Finn smiles and feels his face heat up a little as he says, “I had a good teacher.” He looks up to where Poe is directing kids to tables and he’s glad the mess hall is mostly empty at this hour of the day. “Poe and his pilots, our friends, they’re really good people. And we’re all going to make sure you’re safe here, okay? I promise you, you will be. Kas will get out of medical in a week and you’ll get the sling off. You guys’ll be okay here.”

“Finn, Kicks, come on, grab something to eat!” Poe calls, jerking a thumb over his shoulder before carefully removing Wick from his shoulders and settling the child in a seat. 

Its quite a sight, Pava and Snap in their black leather jackets, emblazoned with the Blue Squadron’s symbol, Poe in his bright orange flight suit, Iolo, dressed like he’d just come from working on his X-Wing (he had) and Finn, in Poe’s jacket, all of them standing guard around a table of children.

Its an odd sight, Finn thinks, but not a bad one.

“We’re gonna be okay here,” Kicks says under his breath, and Finn and Poe know they’re not meant to hear it, but they do, and neither of them can keep the smiles from their faces. 

This is a good thing. 

Chapter Text

The children have nightmares.

Most of them do okay, waking up only to fall right back asleep, the bad dream forgotten by morning.

Wick and Sola have them the worst. Sola is the smallest of the girls and Wick is even smaller. Finn says they’re lucky they got out when they did.

Stormtroopers who can’t keep up with their squadrons are decommissioned.

Poe can relate to the nightmares.

There are nights he wakes up in a cold sweat, shaking, panicked eyes darting around the darkened room because he’s certain that Kylo Ren is lurking there, waiting with a black gloved hand reaching for Poe’s face, digging through his mind and causing the worst pain Poe’s ever felt.

Sometimes he wakes with a shout, sometimes, BB-8 wakes him by prodding his side, or by slowly turning on the lights until they’re bright as they can be and Poe’s blinking awake, confused and scared and taking a long time to realize he’s okay.

Yeah. Poe can relate to the nightmares.

Poe makes an arrangement with the General, and makes sure the children are all bunked in rooms across the hall from his, four in each room. Kicks gets an empty double in the same wing as Finn, the other bed waiting for Kas when she gets out of medical.

Kas gets out of medical a week after they arrived, no longer swaying on her feet, long black hair loose around her shoulders instead of pulled into a strict bun.

Her ribs are still healing and she still jumps whenever someone surprises her, and is hardly ever seen without Kicks at her side, but she’s happy and things are good.

The little ones all look up to her and Kicks in a way that has Poe’s heart melting and he smiles despite himself every time he sees Kas interact with the little ones.

Its not until a few days after she’s released from medical that Poe actually speaks to her though.

“You’re really good with the little ones,” Poe comments as Kas sends Zap running off after Red.

She jumps and winces before pulling herself upright, standing stiffly in front of Poe.

“Thank you Commander.” Her voice is emotionless, a canned response.

Poe shakes his head and sits down on the sofa Kas had just jumped up off of, patting the space next to him. “Hey, kid,” Poe’s gotten into the habit of referring to all of them that way. It’s become a term of endearment. He waits until Kas sits to continue. “You don’t have to do that with me, okay? I’m a Commander in the field, in the air, and when my squadron causes trouble. I’m only a Commander in battle or in business. Just like this? I’m just Poe, alright? Just call me Poe. And there’s no need for you to stand at attention for me or anything like that. You’re a child, not a soldier.”

Kas stares at him blankly for a moment, before launching forward, her arms flung around Poe.

Poe’s breath huffs out of him in a rush as she hits him and he’s more than a little surprised, but he gets his bearings quickly, and wraps his arms around Kas, careful of the ribs he knows are still causing her pain.

“Thank you, Poe.”

“You’re safe with us, Kas. I promise. We’ll keep you all safe.”

Kas nods into Poe’s shoulder and holds onto him for a minute before standing, a small smile on her lips, her eyes a little wet. Poe doesn’t mention that, though, as he watches her turn and walk away, gathering Zap as she does.

Poe sleeps a little easier that night.

Two weeks after the children arrive, Poe wakes with a shout, his entire body shaking, eyes immediately scanning the darkness for Kylo Ren or polished white armor he can’t help but associate with bad things, ears straining for the hum of a lightsaber.

He finds nothing and is about to turn to go back to sleep when something catches his eye and he jumps, crashing out of his bed, sheets tangled around his ankles as he scrambles to get his feet back under him.

He barks a command to the system in his room, bringing the lights up to 25 percent power. He looks up to see what had caused so much trouble, only to see Wick and Sola standing there, hovering awkwardly by the door, holding onto each other’s hands for dear life.

“Maker above, guys,” Poe mutters, before pushing himself up so that he’s not tangled in the sheets on the floor.

“We’re sorry!” Wick squeaks.

“Its alright. You just gotta warn people, okay? You can’t just show up in somebody’s room in the middle of the night. You’ll scare someone pretty good like that. Couldn’t sleep?” Poe asks, knowing the answer.

Ex-Stormtroopers or not, they’re still only children and their previous situation probably didn’t help at all.

Sola shakes her head and whispers, “Finn called them nightmares. The bad images that wake you up.”

“Nightmares. Bad dreams. I was having one when I just woke up right now,” Poe says as he puts the sheets back on the bed. “Everyone has them. They suck and they’re scary, right? But its okay. Cause they’re just dreams. They can’t hurt you.” Poe looks over at the two children, takes in their wide eyes, and panicked expressions and makes a decision. “Come on, hop in the bed. I’ll protect you from all the monsters.“

They stand for a minute, as though they’re unsure of what to do, until Poe gestures towards the bed with a nod of his head, and takes a step closer himself.

Wick and Sola hurry over, waiting until Poe’s gotten back into the bed before scrambling in next to him, one on either side, little limbs sprawled out over any empty space in the bed.

Poe smiles down at them and commands the system to bring the lights back down to zero and is about to nod off again when there’s a little finger poking his side. "Yeah, kid?”

Its Wick that answers. “How come you have two names?”

Poe smiles at the question. “Well,” he whispers, and he can feel them both readjust so they can look towards the sound of his voice, “Dameron is my last name. You get a last name from your parents, or if you get married. You guys just have first names right now.”

“Parents?” Sola asks.

“They’re the people who take care of you and keep you safe and help you figure things out when you’re growing up.”

“Do you have parents?”

“Well everyone does, its just that you guys never got to meet yours, because bad people took you first. My mom was named Shara, and she was a pilot just like me, but she died when I was little. My dad’s name is Kes and he still lives on Yavin IV where I grew up. And he still helps me figure things out and answers my questions and things like that, even though I’m a grown up. That’s what dad’s do.”

Wick shifts nexts to him. “So you and Finn are our dads?” Its a question, but he says it like a statement.

Poe balks. “No, kiddo, that’s not what I-”

“So our last name should be Dameron too, right?”

“Wait, that’s not-”

Sola nods, Poe can feel it against his arm. “I like that.”

“Goodnight Poe.” Wick says, and then they’re both fast asleep, and Poe thinks he’s accidentally acquired two children of his own.

He sleeps, and doesn’t dream for the rest of the night.

Finn walks into Poe’s quarters the next morning to wake the pilot when he doesn’t come to breakfast like normal, and to tell him that two of the children haven’t shown up either.

Kade insists on coming with him.

Finn can’t help but think of the fact that Kade was likely the one being groomed to be squad leader, even at such a young age.

He opens the door to Finn’s quarters and is immediately greeted by BB-8, the little droid blocking their path until Finn nudges her out of the way. The sight that greets him melts his heart.

Poe is dead asleep in the middle of his bed, the two missing kids each curled into one of his sides, Poe’s arms draped protectively around them.

Poe wakes when BB-8 makes a beep of protest at Finn and Kade entering Poe’s room while he’s asleep. He smiles up at Finn, and tries to carefully remove himself from the bed, and fails.

Wick and Sola are up in a flash, smiles on their faces as they wish everyone a good morning, grab Kade and dart from the room, whispering their way down the hallway.

Poe rubs the back of his neck, then scrubs a hand over his face and gives Finn a sleepy smile. “Kids couldn’t sleep. They came in here so I just let them stay. They slept through the night, so I guess it worked,” Poe explains, voice still rough after just waking up.

Finn just stares, smiling back at Poe. A few moments later, he finally responds, saying “Why don’t you get dressed and meet me in the mess hall? You’re missing breakfast.”

Poe yawns and nods and heads for the ‘fresher, stretching as he goes and revealing a strip of skin on his lower back when his shirt rides up.

Finn tries not to stare and fails, and then bolts from the room, headed back to the mess hall.

When he gets there, Kade comes up to Finn, a huge smile on her face.

“Hey, what’s going on?” He asks, crouching down so he’s on her level.

“Guess what, Finn? We all got a second name!”

He raises his eyebrows and looks to Pava, who he’d left with the kids. She’s doubled over laughing. Finn looks back to Kade, suddenly worried. “That’s great. What is it?”

Kade’s smile widens and she says, “Dameron,” and turns and walks away.

Finn teeters where he's crouched and falls flat on his ass and Pava laughs even harder.

Chapter Text

When Poe enters the mess hall, he’s greeted by the sight of Pava and Iolo laughing their asses off, Snap looking a little confused, Karé looking at Poe with that look she gets when she’s either amused or plotting, Finn looking extremely distressed, and a horde of chattering children.

Its Pava that speaks first. “So, Dameron, we heard you adopted.”

His brow furrows and he looks at her like she’s suddenly turned into a Hutt, because what?

“Fourteen new Damerons. Man, I knew Kes wanted grandkids but, you’re gonna give your old man a heartattack Poe.” Poe can hear the smirk in Iolo’s voice.

“What are you guys gonna tell Rey when she gets back?” Karé asks, and yep. She’s definitely amused.

“What in the hell is going on here?” Poe asks, scrubbing a hand over his face and running it through his hair, ruining the effort he’d just put into taming it.

Kade comes up to Poe, smile splitting her little face and tugs on his shirt.

“Wick and Sola told us they stayed with you last night. They told us what parents are and that you said you and Finn are our dads. So that means our last name is Dameron. Everyone likes that.”

Poe thinks he needs to sit down.

Iolo and Pava lose it again.

Poe thinks he might talk to General Organa about putting his lieutenants and the Captains of Dagger and Stiletto squadrons on the worst patrols she can find for them. Just out of spite.

“Hey, if Finn’s our dad too, does that mean his last name is Dameron too?” Red asks.

Poe turns tomato red, and Jessika actually drops to her knees. Maker, he wants the ground to open up and swallow him whole, because he wants. He wants Finn to be a Dameron more than anything.

But he knows Finn doesn’t want that.

Poe is dragged out of his thoughts of Finn when KC cocks an eyebrow and says, “But Jessika takes care of us too, just like Finn and Poe. Does that make her our mom? Sola said you can have moms too. Like the girl version of a dad, right? Are Karé and Jessika our moms?”

That stops Pava’s laughing and starts Poe’s. Finn still looks incredibly distressed. Karé doesn’t look so amused anymore. Snap looks like he understands. Iolo is still laughing.

When Poe finally gets himself together again, Pava looks highly unamused and the kids are all looking at him expectantly. Poe sighs and turns to give his attention fully to the children.

“Look, guys,” Poe starts, taking a seat at the table they’ve all congregated at. “Finn and Karé and Jess and Iolo and Snap and I, we’re all going to take care of you guys and help you make the right choices and make sure you all grow up in a good way. And that’s what parents do for their kids, yeah, but that doesn’t make us your parents. We’ll be like parents, but not actually parents, does that make sense?”

Kendri frowns. “Does that mean we still don’t have a second name?”

Poe smiles. “No. You are all more than welcome to make Dameron your last name. All of you, if that’s what you want. But you can make it something else too, you know? You guys get to pick who you want to be.”

He gets a show of eight little hands. They all agree they want to be Damerons. Kicks shyly admits that he does too. Kas and Kandria admit, the tips of their ears blushing red, that they want their last name to be Pava. Scerra wants hers to be Kun. Later on, Pava and Karé both vehemently deny the fact that they turned bright red.

Poe turns to Red and Switch, the only two that haven’t answered.

Red thinks, and then decides he wants to take Iolo’s last name, and Switch decides he wants to be a Wexley.

Iolo and Snap both burst out laughing.

By the end of the next half hour, all of the kids have last names and they’re all beaming, Iolo and Snap can’t look each other in the eye wiithout laughing and Karé and Pava both look like they want to punch something just to reassure themselves of their toughness.

Poe thinks Pava doesn’t really have to because of the way her expression is oscillating back and forth between stony and absolutely melting because of the kids and the cast on Kare’s wrist and the healing blaster wound in her stomach speak for themselves, but he says nothing, because then the thing they punch will be his face, and Poe is rather fond of his face.

He does have some regard for his well-being, no matter what the General and Finn say, thank you very much.

Poe looks to Finn then, expecting to see him just as happy as the children and the pilots in the room, but he’s still looking a little distressed.

“Finn, buddy, you feeling left out? You know, its not just kids that can steal my last name,” Poe jokes.

“Wait, really?”

And Poe has never been able to deny Finn anything.

Maker, he is so whipped.

Chapter Text

Three weeks after the children arrive, Rey returns. She brings Luke Skywalker with her off the Millennium Falcon and General Organa tears up, hugs Rey tightly before moving on to her brother. 

After, Rey is greeted by Poe, Finn, Pava, Snap, Kare, Iolo, and a horde of children with her friends’ last names.

Needless to say, she is thoroughly confused.

“Not even a month!” she exclaims as Finn and the pilots lead Rey and the children to the Pilot Commons. “I was gone for three and a half galactic standard weeks and you somehow adopted not one, not two, but fourteen children? What the hell Poe?” 

Poe just shrugs and looks helplessly to the others. They all gesture vaguely at Poe, and make non-committal noises and Poe hates them all in the moment. 

He sighs and shakes his head, looks straight up at the ceiling as though he can see up to the sky, looking to the Maker for help. 

“Technically, I haven’t adopted any of them, yet.” Poe wants to smack himself as soon as he finishes speaking. He continues talking instead. “There was a brief period of time where the little ones all thought I was their dad, but we cleared that up. Hey, on the plus side, Finn has a last name now too.”

“You’re digging yourself a hole, man,” Snap says through a quiet chuckle. 

Rey cocks an eyebrow at Snap then turns to Poe. “What does he…. What’s Finn’s last name?”

Tip shoots his hand into the air, then jumps up and shouts, “Its Dameron! Just like us and Poe!”

Rey turns and smacks Poe upside the head. “You got married without me here?”

Poe’s eyes blow wide and he shakes his head and realizes just exactly what he’s done. “What? Shit. Kriffing hell. Fuck. Maker above I’m an idiot.” He stands and leaves in a hurry.

Kade stands and waves and follows Poe out of the room. Tip gives a little salute and follows Kade. None of the adults comment and the other kids say nothing. Kicks stands and gestures towards the door.

“I’m gonna go make sure they don’t cause trouble.” And then he’s gone too, and Rey has ten little pairs of eyes and six bigger ones focused on her. She thinks she might strangle Poe the next time she sees him and then launches into the story of where she’s been for the past three and a half weeks.

Poe realizes someone’s following him when he’s halfway to his quarters.

He whips around to see Kade and Tip behind him, grinning widely. Kicks rounds the corner just after them. Poe looks from the two little ones, to Kicks, back to the little ones and then straight up, closing his eyes and sighing.

“Well, come on then.”

Three sets of footsteps follow him the rest of the way to his quarters.

Poe pulls up the comm screen in his room as soon as they get there, and holo projection on the largest wall in the room. He directs the kids to his bed, the one place the comm screen won’t be able to see, while he pulls up his father’s information and hits the send button before he can second guess himself.

There’s an answer within seconds.

Kes Dameron is a graying version of his son, looks exactly like him save hair color and skin tone. Poe got his tanned skin and dark hair from his mother.

The older man smiles when he sees his son’s face. “Poe!” He greets, and Poe smiles back. “Great to hear from you, son. How are things for the Resistance’s biggest hot-shot? I trust Leia’s not letting your head get too big to fit in your helmet?”

Poe chuckles, nods. “Yeah. Everything’s going good, and the General’s making sure I don’t get an ego. Trust me. The squad helps her out on that one too.”

“How are you all doing, by the way?” Kes asks. “Last I talked to you was right after that Star Killer mission. Right after you lost your man, Asty. You were pretty broken up then. You doing alright?”

His father’s concern is evident and it makes Poe smile. “We’re all hanging in there. The cocky bastard was so damn full of himself, and it got him killed. But he was one of the best pilots I knew and one of the best friends I had. He deserved better. We miss him.“

"Losing one of your men always hurts, but what you’re doing will make it so hopefully that never has to happen again. You’re a brave man, Poe. I’m proud of you.”

“Thanks dad.”

“That’s your dad?”

Poe closes his eyes, grimaces.

“Poe, who’s there with you? Is that a kid? You’ve got a kid with you on base? Is there something you haven’t told me?”

Tip launches off the bed and runs to Poe, Kade not far behind, and Kicks taking up the rear. “Hi!” Tip exclaims, bouncing on the balls of his feet in front of Poe, looking at Kes on the comm screen and then down at the little image of the four of them in the corner. “Are you Poe’s dad?”

Kes just stares.

Poe shakes his head and beckons Kicks foward a little. “Dad, this is Kade, Tip and Kicks.”

“Three. You have three children you didn’t tell your father about?”

“Oh,” Kade says, little blue eyes shining in wonder as she speaks to Kes. “No, sir. We’re not Commander Dameron’s children. He’s helping us out like a dad does though.” She smiles, beaming, proud of what she remembered.

Kes’ brow furrows, before one eyebrow starts creeping toward his hairline.

Kicks steps a little bit closer. “If I may sir. My name is Kicks. I… My friend Kas and I, we were Stormtroopers. Or we were training to be. We heard a story about a man named Poe Dameron, who helped a trooper, FN-2187, to escape. We thought it was worth a shot, if we could find Poe and the ex-trooper. So we took the squadron of kids we were watching over one day, and we ran. We found Commander Dameron, and… That’s how we got here.”

“Yeah,” Poe agrees, one hand rubbing at the back of his neck. “They’re not my kids, dad, but Finn and I, we’re taking care of them. And Temmin and Jessika and Karé and Iolo, they’re all helping too. Rey’s gonna help too, now that she’s back. They’re only nine. Kicks and Kas are only 17, and they don’t have any family. We’re giving them that. They had the guts to run from the First Order. We’re keeping them safe now, best we can.”

Kes nods, purses his lips like he’s thinking hard.

“Commander Dameron even gave us all names! He even let us use his second name!” Tip says excitedly, and Poe smacks his own forehead.

“Oh, yeah, uh, surprise dad. There are now ten new Damerons. Nine of the kids, and Finn. The other five kids took either Pava, Kun, Arana or Wexley as their name.”

“You have fourteen kids?” Both Kes’ eyebrows shoot up and Poe nods, his hand still on his forehead.

“Surprise,” he mutters, trying to hide a wince.

“Maker almighty, who the hell thought it was a good idea to give Poe Dameron children?”

And then Kes is laughing, a full bellied laugh that shakes his shoulders and has his face turning redder than Red’s gets.

“Sir?” Kicks asks, and that stops Kes’ laughter some.

“There’s no need for that, son. Call me Kes, or Mr. Dameron. I’m not an officer anymore, and it seems to me that you all are practically my grandchildren anyway.” Kes is still smiling, still half-laughing, his shoulders shaking with it. Poe glances up, teeth bared in a grimace. 

“Not mad?” He asks, hopeful.

“Pissed to all hell that you didn’t tell me about it when it first happened. But not about any of the rest of it. Poe, what you’re doing is a good thing. From what you told me about that Finn, these kids are gonna be much better off on a Resistance base with you and your pilots than they would be where they were.”

Kicks’ face lights up when Kes says that, and Kade and Tip bounce on the balls of their feet in excitement. Kicks breathes a sigh of relief. “Thank you, Mr. Dameron,” the boy says, sounding a little breathless, like this acceptance is taking his breath away. 

“I’ve got one condition, though.”

Poe makes a face and actually has to stop himself from cringing. “Oh no.”

“Its nothing bad, Poe, don’t worry. Condition is, I want all of you to come out to Yavin IV to pay me a visit. I’ve got to meet all the new Damerons. And I want to treat you kids to a little bit of time away from all of that stuff. Give you all a few standard days to be real kids. Yeah? Can you work with that?”

Poe nods, grinning wildly. “Yeah, yeah, dad, I can work with that.”

“Soon as you can, okay? It’ll give you something to do while you’re not allowed up in your X-Wing. I know how much that’s killing you buddy.”

“You’re not allowed in your X-Wing?” Poe and all of the children jump at the voice in doorway. Finn’s standing there, arms crossed,  face scrunched up in concern. 

“Not important. Come say hi to my father.” 

Kes shakes his head, sad smile on his face. “Oh, no. I’m not being your distraction, kiddo.”

“I’m 32, dad. Not a kid anymore.”

“You’re my kid. Shut it. I know what you’re doing. Maker, you’re so much like your mother. Talk. Okay? Not debatable. Talk about it. I’ll talk to you when you know when you’re coming out to visit your old man. It was nice to see you Finn, and it was great meeting you kids, I’ll be seeing you all soon.”

And with that, the transmission cuts out, the image of Kes fading quickly from existence. Poe curses under his breath.

“What’s he talking about, Poe?” Finn asks, and Poe hears BB-8 beep from behind him, the little droid buzzing on about Poe’s health in a string of Binary that even Poe can barely make out. 

Poe sighs, scrubs a hand over his face and decides its time to face the music. His dad has never been wrong before. 

“Hey, BB,” Poe says, and she rolls around Finn’s legs, bumping his calves. “Take Kicks, Kade and Tip back to Rey and the others, okay?”

BB-8 beeps and whistles happily. [Yes, Friend-Poe. Will take the little humans away now]

She rolls behind the children and nudges their legs and then zips down the hallway with them. 

“Poe,” Finn says, voice gentle. Poe’s lost all his nerve now that the kids are gone. No one to keep up a facade for. He thinks his hands are shaking. “Poe, what’s going on?”

“I’m grounded.” Poe blurts out, because he can’t put it any other way. “I’m not allowed up in my X-Wing, I’m not allowed to fly anything indefinitely. There was a week where I just hung out after StarKiller Base, just hanging around to see if you’d wake up and you didn’t, so I tried to get back to it after that. In the two weeks after that, I tried five times to get in the air for longer than an hour. But I couldn’t. I haven’t been up in about a week. I can’t fly, Finn. I can’t fly.”

Chapter Text

“I’m grounded.” Poe blurts out, because he can’t put it any other way. “I’m not allowed up in my X-Wing, I’m not allowed to fly anything indefinitely. There was a week where I just hung out after StarKiller Base, just hanging around to see if you’d wake up and you didn’t, so I tried to get back to it after that. In the two weeks after that, I tried five times to get in the air for longer than an hour. But I couldn’t. I haven’t been up in about a week. I can’t fly, Finn. I can’t fly.”

Finn blinks in shock at Poe’s confession.

“The General grounded you? What the hell for? Why would she do that to you? You’re her best pilot! You fired the final shot at StarKiller!”

“Finn calm down!” Poe shouts, because Finn is working himself up and Poe is starting to lose it, having to explain this to someone else. “Finn, I made this decision. I decided to stay on the ground.”

“Why would you do that?”

“Because I’m a danger to my squadrons like this.” Poe’s voice is quiet this time, barely audible. “I get up in the air and I start flying and I’m fine, but then something will happen, and I’ll start thinking about… about… ab-ab-a… kriff,” Poe chokes on his words, lets out the curse breathlessly.

He feels like he can’t breathe, has to take a long time to get his thoughts together, so that he can keep talking without working himself into a panic attack.

“Poe?”

“I’m fine,” he lies, voice breaking. “Being in the air, if we did anything besides flying regular patrols, it wasn’t good for me. Anything else would make me think of Kylo Ren, and I’d start to panic and I’d have to land. I decided it would be best to just… not get up in the air in the first place. I told the General what was wrong with me, and she said to take as much time as I needed to fix myself and that she’d let me back up when I feel better about it.”

Poe shakes his head and sits on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees, head in his hands.

“Poe.” Finn says, a little closer than Poe thought he was. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?” Poe says, harsher than he means to. “Talk about how Kylo Ren wormed his way into my head and made me feel like I was on fucking fire while making me relive learning of my mother’s death, over and over and over again? Talk about how I knew for certain that I was going to kriffing die on that ship?”

“Poe, don’t say things like that. Someone would’ve come for you.”

“No, they wouldn’t. I knew the risks when I went into that mission. The Resistance couldn’t claim responsibility for me, or the mission, and so if I got caught I was on my own and that meant dead. Finn, I was going to die onboard the Finalizer with Kylo Ren in my head and a Stormtrooper beating the shit out of me and General Organa could’ve done nothing to help me even if they broadcasted it to her and I… I … fucking hell!” Poe stands abruptly as he speaks, pacing, and pacing until finally he breaks, slamming a fist into the wall with a scream as he breaks bone. “Fuck!”

“Poe!” Finn’s eyes are wide as he goes to Poe, takes the pilot’s hand in his own, examining the damage he’s done to himself. “Maker, Poe, why the hell’d you do that?” Poe hates the way Finn’s voice and Finn’s hands on his make him tremble.
He scrubs tears away from his eyes and shakes his head, looking at the floor in shame.

“Poe?”

That’s definitely not Finn’s voice. Poe looks up, tries to appear more put together than he is. Kade stands in the doorway, arms wrapped around herself.

“Why’d you just do that?” She asks, and kriff, Poe’s fucked up. She’s scared. Kade is scared of him. “Why’d you hurt yourself?”

And no, she’s scared for him. She steps into the room as Poe sits down on the edge of the bed again, elbows on his knees, head in his one good hand, trying to hide his tears from his kid.

Kriff, the kid, not his kid.

He lets out a short noise of frustration and Kade’s brow furrows.

She climbs up onto the bed next to him, wrapping her little arms around his middle, her face pressed into his arm on the side without a broken hand.

“What are you doing, kiddo?” Poe asks, voice cracking and trembling.

“Wick got hurt the other day and Miss Jess did this. She said its called a hug and you do it to help people feel better.” And then she pushes herself up a little, and presses her lips to the top of Poe’s head. “Miss Jess did that too.”

Poe lets out a watery laugh and turns so he can reciprocate, dragging Kade into a tight hug, partially because he wants Kade to feel good about human contact like Kas and Kicks still don’t and partially to hide his tears as he starts to cry.

He hugs Kade tightly, careful of his now broken hand, and tries not to shake, and fails.

Kade squeezes back and rests her chin on Poe’s shoulder. “Why are you sad Poe?” She asks.

Poe pulls back, sets Kade so she’s perched on his knees, looking up at him, and glancing from her to Finn and back. Finn shrugs.

“You remember how one time, a little while ago, I told you guys that even grown-ups get scared?” Kade nods, cocking her head to the side. “Well, before Finn and I ran away from the First Order, I got captured by them. And they hurt me pretty bad. I’m okay now, but it still scares me a little bit. And sometimes I remember it, and I don’t feel good.”

“Is that why you hurt yourself?”

“I wasn’t trying to hurt myself, kiddo. That wasn’t supposed to happen.”

Kade nods, puts a finger to her lips as she thinks, in a way that reminds Poe all too much of the General.

“You’ve gotta go get fixed up. Let’s go.” And she leaps nimbly off his lap, grabs his good hand, and starts tugging. Poe goes with her, shrugging helplessly at Finn.

Finn watches them go, and feels his heart break for Poe.

Then, as Kade leads the pilot down the hallway, still chattering away, asking questions, Poe begins to smile, just a hint of one.

And Finn smiles too.

Chapter Text

Kade leads Poe to medical, still chattering away. Poe doesn’t even know what she’s saying anymore, but her voice is calming and he appreciates it.

By the time they get there, Poe doesn’t feel like he’s on the verge of a panic attack anymore. He still shakes when he signs a few papers, thankful he had enough sense, at least, to break his left hand, not his right, but he feels a lot better.

Kade doesn’t leave his side.

Dr. Kalonia comes over with a disappointed look on her face and Kade tenses beside him. He runs a hand down her back and whispers, “She’s just gonna fix me up. Its okay,” and turns to Kalonia with a grimace.

“Poe Dameron, what in the hell is wrong with you? Not even up in the air and you manage to hurt yourself,” Kalonia mutters as she examines the hand Poe sticks out. “Well you’ve got some torn skin over your knuckles and a minor fracture in this bone here,” she gestures to the bone connected to his middle finger, “so I’m thinking you’ll be in a cast for at least four weeks, probably five. I’m gonna get a med droid over to do a scan and we’ll see for sure.”

Kade tenses again as the med droid comes over and Kalonia steps away, gripping Poe’s good hand tightly with both of hers, and Poe is reminded just exactly how much his kids all hate medical. How much of a threat it used to be when they were with the First Order. Med droids were probably harsh, or used to decommission Stormtroopers.

“Kade,” she jumps at his voice, bright blue eyes locking with his. “Kiddo, I can do this by myself if you want. You can go get Finn and stay with him.”

She shakes her head and squeezes his hand again, mouth set in a firm line. Maker, she reminds him of General Organa. “No. Iolo says you never leave behind your wounded if you can help it.”

Poe’s face splits into a smile and he pulls Kade in, presses a kiss to the top of her head. “Alrighty then, kiddo.” Poe offers his hand to the med droid, watching Kade carefully. “Its just checking me out, see? Just looking at how bad my hand is hurt.”
Kade nods and relaxes slightly, but still watches the med droid until it leaves. Kalonia returns and Kade stiffens again, but its not as bad this time and Poe counts it as a win.

“What’s she gonna do to you?” Kade whispers, louder than she probably meant to.

Kalonia smiles and shows Kade the gauze sleeve and other materials she’s brought over. “I put this sleeve over Poe’s hand, and then I roll this black stuff around it and it gets hard so he can’t move his hand, so it doesn’t hurt him and so it heals up right.”

Kade nods again, and Kalonia starts.

In just a few minutes, Poe’s hand and wrist are covered in a black cast, two of his fingers immobilized by it and a scowl on his face. He won’t be able to do anything like this.

Kalonia presses a bottle of pills into Poe’s hand and curls his fingers around it. “Three weeks in that cast, that’s all, if you take these supplements every day. And I do mean every day. I will have the General herself storm your room and knock down your door if you start forgetting.”

“I’ll remind him ma’am. Thank you.” And then Kade is grabbing Poe’s hand and dragging him to his feet, out of the medical wing.

Poe is reminded again that his children are not really children.

And there he goes again.

These aren’t his kids. They’re someone else’s children. He’s just taking care of them until… until…

Well shit.

He doesn’t know until what.

He’s been taking care of these kids, and helping them learn to be real kids, not Stormtrooper kids, and he’s given them his last name, and kriffing hell, he’s taking them to meet his father.

And he has no idea what comes next.

He can barely take care of himself.

How in the hell is he supposed to care for fourteen children? How is he supposed to get these kids ready to face the real world? How is he supposed to act as a parent?

He can’t even take care of himself.

He forgets to eat, he can’t sleep, he’s losing his damn mind.

He can’t take care of himself.

How can he take care of his kids?

And there he goes again.

“Poe?”

Poe jerks in surprise, letting out a little shout as Kade’s voice cuts through his thoughts.

He shakes his head and tries to clear his thoughts, tries to stop panicking, tries, tries, tries….

“Poe!”

He doesn’t know how he wound up on the floor, but he’s leaning against the wall now, and he’s shaking and he feels like he can’t breathe.

Someone tugs at his belt.

“Commander!”

He doesn’t know how much time has passed, but suddenly, Pava’s there, and General Organa is too, standing behind Pava, Kade partially hidden behind her, cheeks stained with tears.

Poe glances around wildly, and kriff, Finn’s there too, standing off to the side, crouched by Kade and the General, and Poe can tell that he’s reassuring the girl with his words, even though Poe can’t hear them.

“Dameron!” Pava shouts, and Poe snaps his attention to her, breathing hard and taking in no air.

It takes him a long time to calm down.
Finn and Kade are gone by the time he does.

Pava is slumped against the wall next to him, and the General is looming over them, and Poe feels like cowering before them both.

“I’m sorry,” he says, and his voice is small and pathetic. “I… Kade. Is she… I scared her. Is she okay?”

Pava looks at him like he’s crazy. “Poe Dameron, I just spent ten minutes talking you down from a panic attack and you’re asking if other people are okay?” She reaches out and puts a gentle hand on Poe’s shoulder, readjusts herself so that she’s in front of him instead of at his side. “You need to worry about yourself, Poe. You need to put yourself first sometimes. Kade’s going to be okay. Worry about yourself, Poe. Please.”

Poe shakes his head and Pava looks like she’s about to smack him.

The General sighs and looks down at him, then holds out a hand for him. “Dameron, come on. Let’s get you back to your quarters. I’m sure the others can handle the children for a night.”

“But, General, I-”

“That was an order, Poe,” she commands, but her voice is gentle and Pava’s brow is furrowed in confusion and worry so Poe agrees.

He sways on his feet when he stands, feeling lightheaded, but Pava is there, keeping him steady. Both women help him all the way back to him quarters.

He’s dead tired when he gets there and wants nothing more than to sleep, dropping into his bed the second no one’s there supporting him.

“You are so much like your mother, Poe,” the General whispers, and Poe doesn’t think he was supposed to hear that. “Come on, let’s let him rest.”

“But General, I don’t think he should be-”

“Alone?” Leia asks, gentle smile on her face. She nods towards the door. “I don’t think he’s going to be alone."

Poe pushes himself up onto his elbows to see what she means and can’t help but smile.

Kade, Wick, Sola and Tip are all standing there in the doorway, looking more than a little nervous, but with determination set in their small faces.

"Let them in Jessika. Thank you.” And his voice is small, but she hears, and she does and then he’s the only adult in the room. The kids all stand there for a moment, unsure of what to do until Poe shifts himself till he’s up against the wall and pats the bed.

The children climb in, arranging themselves quickly, Kade closest to Poe. “What happened?”

Poe sighs and closes his eyes. When he opens them, the kids are all staring at him.
“Well, you know the First Order is lead by Kylo Ren, and he’s a bad man.” The children all nod. “Before we blew up the StarKiller, I went out on a mission to find a map to the man that Rey just came back with. And while I was on that mission, I got caught by Kylo Ren. He captured me and he did some bad things to me.”

“So he tortured you?” Poe’s eyes widen at Tip’s question. “That’s what they tell us happens to prisoners.”

Poe nods, and thinks of how much he hates the First Order for the way they treated his kids.

“He did. He hurt me pretty badly. And I’m okay now, but when that kind of thing happens, it makes it so your brain goes kind of funny. So when I think a lot about what happened, or even some other things that are really serious, I get very scared. That’s what happened to me, Kade. I just very scared for a second. And it makes it feel like my chest is hurting and I feel a little dizzy because I breathe fast, but I’m okay. I’m so sorry that I scared you kiddo.”

“Is that why Miss Jess says you’re not doing your job right now?” Sola asks quietly.

“I don’t want to get very scared while I’m doing my job and let something bad happen, so I’m going to get better first, and then I’m going to fly again, so that nobody gets put in danger. Does that makes sense?”

“Yeah, it does. Can we stay here tonight?” That’s Wick.

“Yeah kiddo, yeah you can.”

Chapter Text

Poe doesn’t really sleep that night.

He’s exhausted, but he can’t make his mind settle. Why the hell do his kids know what torture is? They’re only nine, Poe has the sneaking suspicion that Wick and Sola are actually younger, and they shouldn’t know that there are people out there that torture others for information.

And yet, Tip had still asked him.

He almost works himself into a second panic attack just thinking of that.

The next day, Poe is dead on his feet, and within six minutes of him leaving his quarters, five people ask him if he’s okay, comment on the dark circles under his eyes. He ignores them and herds the children into the mess hall, drops into a seat between Snap and Karé, stares at the table in front of him.

Kicks and Kas are seated across from him, heads bent together in conversation that stops the second they catch sight of him. 

“What happened to you?” Kas whispers, her voice twisted with worry. 

A seventeen year old girl shouldn’t be so worried about her parental figure.

Poe shakes his head and curses when it causes a brief wave of dizziness. 

Kicks is looking at Poe now too, in fact the whole table is, and he can hear the children conversing in hushed voices behind him. He swears he hears the word torture at least four times. He knows they’re talking about him. 

“I just feel shitty today. Its nothing Not enough sleep,” Poe dismisses, reaching for the cup of caf that Pava slides him.

He drinks three more before he moves. 

“I wish I could work on Black One,” he mutters to Snap as he finally straightens out, sits upright, irritation sneaking into his voice. 

“Black One?” Kicks asks, setting down his own mug.

Poe glances over. He feels like his eyes are going to slip shut, even with all the caffeine  running through his system. “My X-Wing. I’m not flying right now, but I wanted to at least get some work done on her, but now...” he trails off, waving his cast in front of him. 

“I think they were going to train me to be a pilot. I know a little bit about ships. Not much though. And only about TIEs,” Kas says so quietly they barely hear her. 

She’s never spoken about her time with the First Order. None of them really do, but Kas especially. 

Poe makes a decision. 

“You want to come out to the hangar and check out Black One? Maybe I can actually get some work done if you act as my hands. You up for that?” 

Finn smiles at Poe then, beaming, and Poe wishes he could ignore the way that makes his stomach lurch and flip. 

Finn has his hand tangled with Rey’s. 

Poe doesn’t stand a chance against her. She’s so much better for Finn 

He needs to get out of there. 

Kas nods, and Poe wants to pick her up and hug her, he’s so glad for the out.

“Come on then, kiddo. Let’s head out there.” He smiles at her and thinks it probably doesn’t reach his eyes. 

Kas hugs Kicks, and Pava pats her on the arm and makes some stupid joke, just like she always does, and then Kas and Poe are heading out of the mess hall, a chorus of good-byes following them. 

They walk there in comfortable silence. BB-8 meets them halfway there, whistling happily and bumping Poe and Kas’ calves as they walk. Poe pats his droid and huffs out a laugh and drags out his toolkit as best he can with only one hand. Kas stops humoring him the second time it almost tips and they pull the cart over to Black One together. Poe spends a few minutes explaining what each individual part does before telling Kas exactly how to fix if its broken, or how to clean it if its dirty. In two and a half hours, he’s shown her everything nook and cranny of his ship, and they’re a quarter of the way through everything Poe wants to do to Black One.

Another fifteen minutes, and Kas breaks the silence that’s settled as she works on cleaning a part for the ship. 

“Poe? I think I killed him,” she whispers.

Poe balks at her statement. Kas never loses focus on the task ahead of her. BB-8 beeps in alarm.

“Our commanding officer, I mean,” she clarifies. “It was just Kicks and I and the cad...kids. The kids. It was just us and the kids and a supervising officer the day we ran away. We started to leave and it was this huge scramble for the ship we were gonna steal, and I was getting the kids out while Kicks got the ship ready, and,” her voice falters, her hands don’t. “He grabbed me. The officer. That’s how I got the concussion and the broken ribs. In the fight with him. He got in a few good hits and slammed my head against the ground before I could get my weapon out, and then I just fired and ran. I think I killed him.”

Poe just stares for almost a full minute. BB-8 has to roll over his foot to snap him out of it. “You... Maker, Kas.”

“I’m sorry.”

Poe’s eyes widen and his brow furrows and he shakes his head, standing from the bench he’d been taking up and crossing to Kas. 

“Kiddo, no. You have nothing to apologize for.”

“I killed somebody. I hear everyone here talking about how they don’t want to do that, or how they hate thinking about it. But I don’t feel bad. I mean... if I really did, I’m not going to feel bad.” She finally stops, sets the part down and looks up at Poe, eyes shining. “Poe, is that wrong? Am I supposed to feel bad?”

“Sweetheart, that man was hurting you, and what the First Order did to you kids... it was terrible. You did what you had to do, and sometimes what you have to do is terrible, and it sucks. But sometimes we have to do bad things. And you have to live with the consequences of what you do, always and that sucks. But in this case, the bad thing, it was the best choice.” Poe steps closer, pulls her into a hug, and she clutches the back of his shirt desperately, like her life depends on it, and Poe realizes she’s crying. “Kas, you’re not a bad person. What you did doesn’t make you a bad person and just because you don’t feel bad that a bad man is gone doesn’t make you a bad person either. The fact that you’re worried about that being wrong tells me that.”

“I... I just...” she hiccups over her words, presses her forehead into Poe’s chest. “I don’t like that I did that, but I... I don’t care that he’s dead.”

“Kas, its okay. I know its hard, but he was a bad person, and he was hurting you, and you didn’t have a choice. You are not a bad person. Kas, kiddo, look at me.” She does, and her face is streaked with tears and her eyes are red rimmed. “You are a good person. You helped get twelve children to safety while you were pretty badly injured, and you never once thought of yourself. You are good. You’re amazing, kiddo.” 

And then she’s hugging him again, and Poe is resting his chin on the top of her head and holding her tightly, because he’ll be damned if he lets his kid feel like this because of something that had to be done, no matter how awful it was.

They stay like that for a long time.

When they finally part, Kas scrubs a hand across her cheeks, smearing engine grease across her skin. Poe smiles and grabs a cloth, wipes it away for her. 

“You feeling better kid?”

She nods, sniffling. “What was that? That... like I couldn’t breathe, and my chest started to feel too tight. What was that?”

Poe’s face scrunches up unhappily. “That’s... you were starting to work yourself into a panic attack. After you go through any kind of trauma, or if you get anxiety over something, or anything like that, you can have a panic attack. It’s like your body gets kinda overloaded with nerves and worry, and your brain short circuits and makes you freak out cause it doesn’t know how to handle the overload of anxiety. That’s what happened to me last night.”

“What Kade saw happen to you?” Kas asks as Poe helps her to a bench to sit down. 

He nods, mouth twisting to the side. “Yeah. I feel terrible that I scared her. It can be scary if you don’t know what’s going on, and its always kinda scary having them. But they’re nothing to be afraid of. Most of the time it helps to have someone talk you through it. That helps me. Sometimes it helps to have someone touching you, like me hugging you helped you. Its different for everyone.”

Kas just stares at him for a moment before BB-8 rolls into her knee and Kas laughs quietly. “Can we be done with Black One for the day?” she asks as she rests a hand on BB-8′s dome head. 

Poe nods again, holding out a hand for her. “Let’s get you back to your quarters then, okay? You get some rest and I’ll have Kicks bring you some lunch and you guys can eat in there.”

Kas smiles and nods and gives Poe a quick hug again. “Thank you Poe.”

Poe leaves her in her quarters and comms for Kicks, then heads for his own quarters. 

What he wants is to lay down and fall asleep. 

What he gets is Finn, sitting in his desk chair.

“Poe, we need to talk about this.”

Chapter Text

What he wants is to lay down and fall asleep.

What he gets is Finn, sitting in his desk chair.

“Poe, we need to talk about this.”

Poe lets the door slide shut behind him, feeling like all the air has been punched out of him with those seven words. 

“Talk about what?” Poe says, feigning ignorance. 

He wishes he hadn’t done that the second Finn’s face twists unhappily. “Poe, we have to talk about this. We can’t just keep ignoring you having panic attacks and ending up in medical and the fact that you broke your own hand you punched the wall so hard. Poe, you’re scaring the kids and you’re scaring your squads and you’re scaring Rey and you’re scaring the General and you’re scaring me.” 

Poe’s heart sinks at that. He’s scaring them all? Why are they scared for him? He doesn’t understand. He slumps down onto the edge of the bed.

“Buddy, you don’t have to worry about me, I’m fine.” 

“You’re fine? Fine, my ass! Poe, you had a panic attack last night that was so bad it took Pava ten minutes to talk you out of. Kade commed the General and she was so scared… she thought you were dying Poe! You broke your hand punching a wall yesterday! This isn’t what fine looks like! This is what pretending to be fine looks like! I spent enough time with the First Order to know what that looks like,” Finn shouts at him, standing and pacing in front of Poe. 

Poe freezes. That’s something that Finn’s never said before.

“Finn?”

“No. Kriff, this isn’t… Poe we talk about my problems all the time. I talk about it with Rey and you and I have support and I’m working on things. And this, right now, this isn’t about me! This is about you now, because you could be dying and you’d pretend you’re fine to avoid inconveniencing people and you’re worrying us Poe!”

Finn’s hands are shaking. Poe stands and takes them in his own and suppresses the shudder it sends through his body. Finn’s hands are rough and calloused and Poe doesn’t ever want to let go.

He lets go when he’s sure Finn’s not shaking any more. 

“I’m sorry,” Poe whispers, taking a step away before he lets his body language give him away.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Poe, just talk to me. Please. Can we just sit and talk? I don’t care if you can’t tell me everything, just tell me something. Please.”

And Poe has never been able to deny Finn anything, so he agrees. 

He slumps onto the bed, sitting on the edge, feet fidgeting on the ground, all his focus trained on not up and bolting from the room and first the first time he acknowledges why he doesn’t want to talk about this. 

He’s afraid. 

Poe Dameron is completely and absolutely terrified.

The reason the he doesn’t want to talk is not because the kids are more important right now, its not because he doesn’t want to worry anyone, its not because he thinks he’s being ridiculous. As true as those all are, that’s not it. 

Poe doesn’t want to talk because he is afraid and that thought has a near hysterical laugh bubbling out of him. 

“Poe?” 

Poe gets himself together, looks up at the concern creasing Finn’s brow, and sighs, pats the bed next to him. 

“You know the kids know what torture is? They know what it is and what its used for and they know it happened to me. Kids shouldn’t know what torture is, Finn,” Poe says quietly. 

Finn says nothing, but he reaches over and grabs Poe’s hand, squeezing tightly. 

“He got inside my head,” Poe starts off, voice almost inaudible. “Kylo Ren. When he had me on the Finalizer, he forced his way into my head, and dug around in there like he was a kid digging through sand. He sifted through my memories and he pulled up the most painful ones. He made me relive Muran’s fighter exploding with him in it and he made me relive finding out my mother had been killed and he found memories of all of the people I loved, of my dad and Karé and Iolo and Jess and Snap and he made me watch them all die. All of them, over and over and over again. And while that was happening, he made me feel the worst pain I’ve ever felt. Like I was on fire. I can’t… I couldn’t… I gave them up. I gave everything up.” 

Poe rushes everything out, not stopping, because he’s afraid if he does, he’ll get caught up on all the reason he’s so scared and he’ll panic again. By some miracle, he doesn’t. His heart twists painfully in his chest, thinking about witnessing those he loves dying. 

Finn looks at him, his face scrunched up in worry. “Poe, you know that no one blames you for telling Ren that the map was in BB-8, right? Poe, no one blames you. Not a single person on this base would’ve lasted as long as you did. You were incredibly strong to stand up to him the way you did.”

“I was a coward and I was weak and I can’t even get the bastard out of my head now and now I have a kriffing squadron of kids who look up to me like a parent and depend on me to take care of them, and I can’t even fucking take care of myself and now I have fourteen children to take care of and until what? What’s going to happen with them, Finn? What happens next? They don’t have families to go back to. And I don’t… they need a family. They need to grow up with people to care for them.”

Finn scoots closer to Poe and Poe has to stop himself from doing something stupid like turning and closing the gap between them and kissing Finn.

Finn places a hand on Poe’s knee and Poe almost flinches away, but he stays put. He wishes he could get over his stupid crush. Maker, he’s pathetic. 

“Poe.” Finn’s voice is quiet and just a little bit rough and it makes Poe shiver, having it so close to him. “You can’t take this all on by yourself. You need to take care of yourself, too. You have all of us to help you take care of the kids, and you’ve got your squadron and Karé and Iolo and me and Rey and we won’t let Kylo Ren touch you again.” 

“You guys don’t need to do that for me.”

“Dammit Poe! This is the problem! You think you need to take on everything by yourself. You think you’ve got to shoulder the weight of the damn galaxy on your own but you don’t. Don’t you get that?” Finn’s hand on Poe’s knee is tightening its grip and Poe squirms. 

“I just don’t want to–”

A woman’s voice cuts him off from the doorway. “If you finish that sentence with I don’t want to worry you guys, I swear to the Maker, Poe Dameron, I will call up your father and ship your ass back to Yavin IV so he can read you the riot act himself.” Karé is leaning against the doorjamb, Rey’s head just barely visible over her shoulder. 

Rey peeks her head around Karé and smiles shyly. “Sorry. I felt something through the Force, like something was wrong and we followed the feeling here. I guess it was Poe.”

“You were in my head?” Poe whispers, horrified, standing and taking a step away from Rey as she enters the room. 

Rey’s eyes widen and she shakes her head. “Maker, no. Poe, I wouldn’t do that to you. I know how much what Kylo did affected you. I would never.” Poe relaxes, but doesn’t sit down. “I just had this feeling. I mean I kind of keep tabs on all of you guys through the Force, and something felt off with someone, so I followed the feeling. Karé was with me when I did.”

Poe sits back down then, and Rey takes a place on the other side of Finn. 

Karé speaks again, less harsh this time. “Poe, you’ve got all of us, and Maker knows you are one of the most self-sacrificial people I have ever met, but you’re not along in this. In anything. Don’t forget that, and don’t ever think that you have to keep things hidden from anyone but the kids. We can handle anything, especially if it means you’re okay. Remember that. And remember Iolo and I would take on seven squadrons of TIEs alone before we let the First Order touch either of you again,” she says, pointing a finger from Poe to Finn and back again.

And then Karé is gone. 

Rey stands not longer after, smiling gently down at Poe. “She’s right, you know. You’ve got all of us. We… we’re like a family. Right?”

Poe can’t help but return the smile, nodding. “We’re like a family.”

Rey beams at that. “Finn and I have never had family before. Thank you.” She leans down and presses a kiss to Finn’s forehead and then Poe’s. 

And then Rey is gone. 

Finn puts his hand on Poe’s knee again, ducking his head to catch the other man’s gaze. “You’re not going to get better if you keep bottling things up. You told me that, when I first got here. Follow your own advice, Poe. Talk when you need to. Let us help you. If you do, then I have no doubt that you’ll be able to get back in Black One as soon as that cast comes off.”

Poe nods and smiles. “Thank you, buddy.”

Finn doesn’t leave.

Chapter Text

The thing about trauma.

Everyone experiences it differently.

Finn means well when he says he understands what Poe feels like, because he knows what Kylo Ren and Hux are like.

But Finn is wrong.

Poe knows what Finn and the kids experienced at the hand of the First Order was disgusting and deplorable and that no one should ever have to be treated like they are nothing more than a serial number because everyone is more than that. Everyone deserves better than that.

But Finn was never strapped down and tortured, never had his mind invaded, never had to relive the worst moments of his life. Finn never gave up the entire Resistance because he couldn't hold against Kylo Ren.

Finn means well, but he has no idea what Poe feels like.

Poe isn't going to say that though.

Poe isn't going to say anything about that.

Chapter Text

Getting Poe Dameron to open up about his feelings is about as difficult as hunting rathtars. Not because he doesn’t have feelings to talk about, but because he is so worried about others above himself all the time that he doesn’t take the time to care for himself. He doesn’t want to worry the others so he says nothing and lets it eat him up inside instead. 

He’s working on it. 

Poe approaches Leia late in the day, the day after his conversation with Finn, and he tells her his plan to take the children to visit his father. 

Leia tells him to pack up himself and the kids and Finn and Rey while he’s at it and to be ready to leave the next morning. 

Luke has given the okay for Rey to take a break from her training, mainly because Leia wants her to fly them there.

Leia’s already talked to Kes. He’s expecting them.

Poe is not at all surprised. 

The kids, however, are more than a little surprised when he and Finn come into their rooms with Kas and Kicks behind them and tell them to pack their things for a trip.

"Why's the General sending us away?" KC asks, her little face scrunched up in confusion, dark eyes locked with Poe's. She looks similar enough to be his sister. Its not possible, Poe knows that, but still, its off putting.

Finn shakes his head, passes KC one of the duffel bags they'd picked up from supply. "We're coming back," Finn promises, "we're just going to visit with Poe's dad for a few days. We’ll only be gone a galactic standard week. And then we’re coming right back here. Okay?” 

KC nods and grins, satisfied with Finn’s answer, and takes the duffel bag offered to her, turning to pack up her things. 

All of the kids are ready to go in less than fifteen minutes, bags stacked by the door, the children smiling as they drop their bags and go back to their bunks, waiting. 

All Poe can think of is that kids shouldn’t be this organized. He was never like this as a kid, always running around, making a mess, leaving out toys and annoying his parents. The only thing he was ever careful about was flying his mother’s A-Wing and helping out his dad if he ever asked for it after Shara died. 

Poe realizes he’s breathing a little too fast and his chest is starting to feel a little tight and he takes off before any of the kids can see him like this or it gets any worse. 

He makes it out of the room and across the hall to his quarters and manages to get his breathing under control.

And Finn is right behind him. 

“You alright?” 

“Fine,” Poe lies, turning around with a smile on his face. 

The smile falls the second he sees Finn’s worry, sees a flash of black hair as Kade darts back to hide against the wall outside the door, trying to remain hidden from the two adults. Finn doesn’t know she’s there. 

Poe sighs and shakes his head, letting the mask fall for just a brief second. 

“I’m not fine.” The confession comes with shaking hands and a huff of forced laughter that sounds just this side of hysterical and a frown changing Poe’s face in a way Finn has never seen before. “But that’s... let’s just get the kids ready, okay? I want them all in bed early. We’ve got a long day tomorrow. The trip to Yavin IV is about seven hours. One stop for a course correction. We can take a stop on an inhabited planet then, to give the kids a break if we need to.” Poe says in an effort to distract Finn.

It works, mostly because Kade comes into the room then, beaming at Poe. 

“Are you going to fly us there? Finn said you’re the best pilot in the Resistance. Are you better enough yet?” 

That slams Poe right back down to where he was before. 

Well, the distraction was nice while it lasted. 

“No, sweetheart, I’m not flying us there. With my hurt hand, I can’t do much flying to begin with, and I still get kind of scared when I get behind the controls. You remember what you saw happen to me the other night? I don’t want that to happen again. Rey’s gonna fly us there, and when we get there, you’re all gonna get to meet my dad and if you ask him nicely, he’ll probably make you guys this apple pie he makes from a secret recipe that only people in our family know.”

Kade smirks. “Well, we’re part of your family now too!” She exclaims happily. “So he can tell us how to make it and we can help. That’ll be fun. I want to learn how to cook stuff.” 

Poe laughs at that and ruffles her hair, letting his hand come to rest on her shoulder. “Yeah. I guess he will be able to tell you guys.”

And then Kade is bounding out of the room and across the hall and Kas and Kicks are taking her place and Poe has another distraction just when he needs it. 

“Hey guys, what’s up?” Finn asks, looking them both over, an instinct that hasn’t left him, always checking people over for injuries when he first sees them, just in case. 

“We went to the other two rooms and got the rest of the kids ready. We’re all set to go tomorrow whenever you guys are,” Kicks says, a shy smile on his face. 

“The kids are all looking forward to meet your father, Poe.” Kas adds, “Especially after they realized they’re not being sent away for good. I think we were all kinda worried that was going to happen. I mean... there are no other children here.”

Poe shakes his head and Finn takes a step forward, his face scrunching up in the way it does when he’s unhappy. 

“We are never going to send you guys away for good, you understand me? Unless something happens and its for your own safety, we are never going to get rid of you. And even if we did send you away, we’d probably send you to my father. He’d be more than happy to look out for you guys, and we’d come visit. All of us, whenever we could,” Poe assures Kas, soft smile crossing his face. 

Finn jumps in and finishes with, “But even that is never going to happen. Kade said it. We’re a family.”

And that statement twists Poe’s heart and makes him feel like someone’s fed him to a rathtar because, yes, they are a family. Poe wouldn’t trade the family he’s building here for the galaxy. 

But its not the way he wants. He wants Finn to be his family in a different way, and he knows he’ll never have that and it’s eating him up inside. 

He says nothing about it.

The kids leave after that, and Finn seems to have forgotten why he’d followed Poe into his room in the first place and he goes too and then Poe is left to stew in his own thoughts and that’s about the most dangerous thing that he can do. 

He forgets to go to dinner that night. 

Two and Kandria bring him little things they smuggled out of the mess hall (they don’t need to steal food. No one would have stopped them from taking it, but there are some habits the kids haven’t yet dropped.) and they sit with him as he eats and tell him how excited they are to meet Kes. 

The children all learned Kes’ rank before his name. They still call him Sergeant Kes. 

It makes Poe smile, and he’s glad that there are still things that can do that. 

Two and Kandria don’t move to leave even as it begins to get later. Poe sighs and shifts over and makes space for them to stay. 

He’s not as annoyed as he acts, and they can both tell.

He doesn’t dream that night, but he doesn’t sleep peacefully either. 

Poe is exhausted when he wakes up the next morning despite having gotten a decent amount of sleep for the first time in almost a week. 

Regardless, the children’s enthusiasm is infectious and Poe finds himself smiling and excited as he helps them all gather their things and load them onto the Millennium Falcon. Rey had insisted they take her ship. (Chewie had insisted she take over as captain of the ship when Han died. He said she earned it. The Falcon belonged to her now.)

He’s much happier than the three cups of caf he’s had already would suggest. 

They’re ready to go by 0800 and Poe is on his fourth cup of caf. He can tell he’s going to regret it after spending hours on the Falcon with fourteen children. 

The General and his squadron and Kare and Iolo all come out to send them off, Kare with something half hidden behind her back. When Poe raises an eyebrow, she rolls her eyes and holds it out to him. 

Its a guitar, just like the one he’d grown up playing on Yavin IV, not an instrument found many places in the galaxy anymore. 

“Where... where’d you get this?” Poe asks, taking the instrument from Kare.

She just smiles. “Soon as we heard you were thinking about heading back to Yavin IV, we all went out on a little mission. Thought you might like to provide some entertainment on the trip.” 

Poe hands the guitar to Finn and flings his arms around Kare, smile spreading from ear to ear. 

“Thank you. Thank you guys so much. I’ll contact you when we get there, and if we stop when we make the course correction.” 

He releases Kare and hugs each of the others briefly, only stopping when he gets to the General. He gives her a quick salute that makes her laugh and she pulls him into a hug that he returns without a thought. 

“Have fun, Poe. Keep an eye on all of them, but make sure you’re taking time for yourself too. And don’t think your father won’t tell me if something happens,” she warns, and then Poe is laughing too. 

Leia had always acted like a mother towards him. He can’t say he minds. 

“Now, get the hell out of here Dameron,” Jess calls as Poe moves to take the guitar from Finn, “The rest of us have better things to do than watch you take off in this hunk of junk.” There’s a smile on her face and Poe knows she doesn’t mean it, but he flips her off anyway, smiling right back. 

“Gonna miss you too, buddy,” Snap shouts after him. Poe flips him off too.

The sound of his friends’ laughter follows him as he boards the Falcon and the ship closes up behind him. 

Poe shows his kids the guitar as they take off, and for the first leg of the trip, Poe plays and sings until he can’t sing anymore and then he’s just playing, strumming the guitar mindlessly as he watches over his kids.

Finn and Rey come back to where Poe and the kids are after a half an hour, Rey satisfied that the Falcon can run on autopilot until the course correction in five hours. 

Finn watches Poe play the instrument in his hands, mesmerized by the way the other man’s fingers fly over the strings.

He finds his hearts melting at the sight of Red thoroughly engrossed in Poe’s playing, asking questions and watching attentively while Poe shows him certain things with the instrument. He finds his heart melting at the way Poe smiles and takes his time to explain things to the child in front of him.

He finds his heart clenching painfully in his chest as he realizes how badly he wants Poe.

He finds it hurts even worse when he thinks about how he can’t have him.

Chapter Text

By the time they reach the system where they're going to make their course correction, Poe has sung himself hoarse, old songs from Yavin IV and things he's picked up on travels and the lullaby his mother used to sing him and the songs he'd sing when they celebrated after a big win.

Playing a guitar backwards and with a broken hand is one of the most difficult things Poe has ever done. But the kids are happy and Finn is smiling at him and he misses chords and messes up songs so badly he hardly recognizes them, but it’s fun and he hasn’t just had fun in a long, long time. So he makes it work.

The kids and Finn watch him intently, Finn's hand tangled with Rey's, squeezing tightly as he listens to the sound of Poe's voice wash over him. He loves the way it sounds, soft and warm and beautiful.

Finn is thinking how much he wants to hear Poe's voice saying different things, singing words of love and affection.

Poe is thinking how much he wants it to be him that Finn's holding hands with.

Both are thinking how that'll never happen.

~

Poe has rubbed his fingertips raw and made his broken hand sore as hell, he's been playing his new guitar for so long, but the look on Finn's face is so damn worth it, Poe doesn't stop until Finn and Rey go to bring the ship down from lightspeed so they can correct their course trajectory.

The kids all insist they're good without a pit stop in the system they’re in, but Poe is sincerely regretting drinking the ridiculous amount of caf he did before they left D’Qar, so he insists they stop. 

They find an inhabited planet that’s known to be peaceful and find an area with a cantina that’s tame enough they can bring the kids in to get something to drink, grab a quick bite to eat for a couple of them. 

Its a quick stop, but it works wonders. Poe spends a little too long in the ‘fresher, trying to get himself together, running cold water over the aching red skin on his finger tips. Its been too long since he played, he’s not used to it, definitely not used to playing the way he’s been, not used to playing with only one good hand, the strings backward and the fret board facing the wrong way so he can try to use it properly, and he just spent almost four hours playing and singing. When he leaves, he feels a lot better than he did before. 

He doesn’t feel like he did on the ship, his body no longer heating up under Finn’s gaze, his heart no longer twisting painfully as he watched him hold hands with Rey. 

Poe stops thinking about that before he’s back to square one and goes over to help Rey and Finn and Kas and Kicks round up the kids, herding them all onto the Falcon. 

He picks up the guitar and ignores the way his fingers feel like they’re on fire, the way his hand aches, and starts playing again. The kids listen with smiles on their faces and Kendri even starts singing along with Poe when he starts in on a song he’d played already. 

The rest of the trip goes quickly and Poe can’t help the way he looks up every once in a while, just to try to catch Finn watching him, hoping he actually is watching him like Poe thinks he is.

God he wants Finn to be watching him. 

He wants so bad for this to be something but it isn’t, he knows it isn’t, but he wants, Maker, he wants so bad.

He says nothing. 

He can’t get off the Falcon fast enough when Rey and Finn put the ship, helping the kids gather their things from the smuggling holds and ushering them all off the ship quickly. 

Kes Dameron is waiting for them the second they set foot on solid ground. 

Poe drops all of his things and runs to his father as soon as he sees him, gathering him up in a hug and laughing a little hysterically. 

“Dad, I missed you.”

“Kid, I’ve missed you so much too,” Kes murmurs into Poe’s shoulder, and Poe can feel him smile against him.

Poe smiles too, and pulls back then, placing his hands on his father’s shoulders. “Alrighty dad, are you ready to meet your grandkids?”

Kes laughs, full bodied, shoulders shaking, and turns to the kids. 

Finn waves shyly, and Rey smiles, Kas and Kicks stand at attention and the kids all beam up at Kes. 

“Relax kids,” Kes says, taking a step forward. “Now, I’ve seen you, you, and you before right?” he says, picking out Kade, Tip and Kicks from their little group. 

Poe starts from the left and starts introductions. “Okay, Dad, this is Kas, Kicks, Two, Red, Tip, Kade, Switch, Scerra, Kendri, Kandria, Sola, Zap, KC and Wick. They are... they’re pretty much my kids.”

Finn and Rey both step closer, Finn extending his hand. “Hello, sir, its nice to finally meet you.”

Kes pulls him into a hug, loosening his hold at Finn’s startled noise. 

He turns to Rey immediately after and pulls her into a hug too, smiling and laughing and holding her hand as he does. “And you must be Rey. Sweetheart, I’ve heard so many good things about you.” He turns to Finn. “And I’ve herad great things about you too Finn and... that’s my jacket.” Kes turns to Poe then, and Poe turns bright red. 

“I... uh, yeah. I gave it to him. After we met and all he had was his standard issue blacks from underneath his uniform. I thought it suited him. So its Finn’s jacket now. He is a Dameron now after all.” 

“Did you...?”

“No Dad, I didn’t. He just took the name.” 

“Alright. Alright. Come on inside kids. I’ve got rooms set up for you all, Poe, you’re sleeping on the couch. Your friends are in your room. The kids are going to have to squish in the spare bedrooms. Kas and Kicks can set up in the downstairs with Poe. It’ll be a bit tight, but it’ll be good. Now. I’ve heard that none of you have had apple pie before. I’ve got a few of em cooking up right now, first one in the house gets the first slice. Go!” 

The kids all take off, Kas and Kicks hanging back with the adults, a small smile ghosting over Kas’ face as she watches the kids run for the house, a good distance away from their ship. 

“Come on, you guys, I want to show you all something while my dad sugars the kids up,” Poe says to Kas, Kicks, Finn and Rey. 

He notices Kicks take Kas’ hand and he smiles. It good that they’re getting better at touching, as opposed to jumping every time someone made contact with them, like they had when they first arrived on D’Qar.

He leads Finn and Rey to the backyard as Kas and Kicks enter the house with his father. 

He sighs contentedly when he steps up to the massive tree in the backyard, feeling more relaxed instantly. 

“What...” Rey’s voice is quiet, filled with wonder. “What is this?” 

Poe grins, taking her hand and placing it against the trunk of the tree. 

“Force-sensitive tree. It was a gift to my mother, from Luke Skywalker, after the Battle of Endor. Both of my parents fought. My father was on the ground with General Organa and Captain Solo, and my mother was in the air with Master Skywalker.”

“This is amazing, Poe, its beautiful.” 

“I used to spend most of my time in this tree as a kid. Whenever I wasn’t working on engines or up in my mother’s A-Wing, I was up here.”

“I can almost see the Force moving around it. This is... this... Maker,” Rey breathes, a smile lighting up her face as she takes Finn’s hand, her other still pressed to the tree.

Poe smiles back and tries to feel happy. 

Chapter Text

It turns out that the Force sensitive tree is a lot more sensitive than Poe and his family had thought. Rey had looked tired after the seven hour trip, but after the few minutes she spends with her hand pressed against the trunk of the tree, she looks significantly less tired, the bags under her eyes less noticeable, the sag in her shoulders gone. She's got a smile on her face and a little bit of a spring in her step and Poe can't help but think of how much she looks like a little kid when she's like this. 

He can't even find it in him to find it funny, because he knows how tough Rey had it growing up. He knows she never got to be a kid on Jakku. That Force forsaken planet had taken Rey's childhood from her, sucked her dry like it sucked the moisture out of anything that entered its atmosphere, like it sucked the life out of anything on its surface. 

He can let her have this, let her have this child-like excitement about the tree he'd just shown her. He'd done it to make her happy after all.

Finn, too, looks happier after having been connected to the tree through Rey. He's smiling, his fingers still tangled with Rey's as they enter the house, BB-8 beeping and whirring as she rolls around between people's feet. 

[Friend-Poe! Friend-Poe!] she beeps out in Binary. Rey smiles and pats the droid on the head and Poe nudges his astromech with his toe, pushing her in the direction they're going. [Friend-Rey! Friend-Finn! We have brought the tiny humans to the home planet. It is very good for the tiny humans. The tiny humans are exhibiting signs of happiness.]

Poe laughs at his astromech and flops onto the sofa in the living room next to Kicks. Kas is on his other side, and Finn and Rey are sitting opposite them while the kids have found various perches around the room, carrying out quiet conversations. Kes is teaching a couple of them card games, Zap has a tiny droid open on the floor, his fingers jerking away from it as it zaps him when he pulls at the wrong part, Kade is reading a cook book, Red is turning the color he's named for as KC tickles him.

Poe can't help but crack a smile as he watches his kids sprawled around the room. BB-8 bumps against his shins and he looks down to his droid as she beeps, expressing her worry about the miniature droid that Zap's got in front of him. Poe assures her that the droid is fine and then turns to Kicks and Kas.

Zap shouts as the droid shocks him again.

"That how he got his nickname?" Poe asks, tone light. He doesn't want to force any of them to talk about their time with the First Order, he knows how bad those people are, but he wants to know more about his kids.

He can tell Kes is listening to him, even as he teaches the card game to KC, Kendri, Switch, Scerra and Two. Finn and Rey listen quietly too.

Kas tenses briefly, but Kicks' hand on her knee calms her down quickly. 

Kicks nods. "Yeah. Zap was always fiddling with stuff. He kept shocking himself. So we called him Zap."

"What about the rest of you guys? How'd you get your names?" Finn asks, head cocked to the side. 

"Mine is just from my designation. I was a KS designation. They called me Kas cause it kinda sounds like it," Kas says, voice quiet, fingers digging into her thigh as she speaks. 

Kicks removes her fingers gently, lacing their fingers. "I got mine cause I was one of the best in combat training. And no one wanted to go up against me cause I had a wicked round-house kick. I could drop anybody with it," Kicks explains, a small, sad smile on his face. Poe can tell it was something he used to be proud of and isn't so much anymore. "Red got his name cause he turns bright red all the time. Wick got his cause he's so small. Like the wick of a candle."

"Switch get his name cause he's good at nicking things from other people. He could switch something out for another thing so quick you'd never know something had been taken. Tip came from him always having to stand on his tip-toes to see things, cause he's a little short. And Two... he was half a set of twins. We don't know what happened to his brother. They got separated, put in two separate units a few standard years ago. We never saw his brother again," Kas whispers. None of the kids hear what she says, but Poe hears her and Rey hears her and so does Finn and so does Kes.

Poe thinks he might be sick. Two is one of the most cheery of the group, always goofing around and playing with the other children. Poe never would've guessed that he'd have lost a brother. He knows what its like to lose someone you love, how much it affects you, but he'd never guess with Two. 

Poe doesn't want to think about why that might be. 

"Two was the younger one. Number Two. Everyone called them One and Two to tell them apart, cause their designations were only one off from each other too. It just stuck," Kicks finishes for Kas. They both look sad, like they carry the weight of the galaxy on their shoulders. And they do. They carry so much more than anyone their age should ever have to. 

Poe wants to tear the First Order apart with his own bare hands, wants to take out each TIE fighter, just him and Black One and BB-8, wants to find Kylo Ren and beat his scrawny ass into the ground with just his fists for everything he's done to the people Poe loves. 

To Finn, to Rey, to Leia, to his kids. 

He wants to rip him apart for Han, for Muran, for his mother, for Two's brother, for his kids' real families who had their children stolen from them. For everyone the Order ever hurt. 

He wants Ren to feel everything he's inflicted on other people. 

Kes drops the deck of cards in his hands in Scerra's lap and tells her to deal them out, then he stands, points at Poe and then to the kitchen. "Up, out, now."

Poe doesn't question, just follows his father out. 

"Poe, what's going on?"

Poe's not even all the way in the room before his father asks.

He shakes his head and realizes he's breathing a little too fast. 

"Poe, kid. What's wrong? Leia said something was going on, but she didn't tell me it was like this. I don't think you've been like this since right after we lost your mother."

That snaps everything into perspective for Poe. 

That one sentence slaps him in the face, and he drops into a chair at the kitchen table. 

He's gotten as bad as he was after he lost his mother. 

"Poe?"

"Dad, I don't know what to do," Poe whispers, and his voice breaks and so does he.

He falls apart and tells his father everything. He tells Kes about the panic attacks and how he broke his hand and what Kylo Ren did to him while he was on the Finalizer and how worried he is about taking care of his kids and his father wraps an arm around his shoulder and holds him tight while he crumbles. 

"I just... I don't know how I can continue to take care of them if I just keep getting worse and worse."

Kes stands and moves so he's standing directly in front of his son, arms crossed over his chest. "I'll tell you what the first step is, son. Stop blaming yourself. I know you, kid, and I know how you handle things. And I am going to tell you right now, because I know you're thinking it, that you giving up your astromech was absolutely not your fault. Not if what Ren did to you was even half as bad as you described." 

"But I gave up everything. I gave up the whole Resistance!" 

Kes sighs and shakes his head. "Because you were being tortured, Poe. And that makes me want to find this Kylo Ren and make him hurt the way he hurt you. But that's another thing. Point is, you didn't give anyone up because you wanted to. You did it because someone invaded your mind and assaulted you in the worst possible way." Kes leans forward, hands splayed on the table. "Poe, this is not your fault." 

Poe lets out a shaky sob and stands, grabbing his father to pull him into a hug. 

After a few minutes of comfortable silence, Kes raises an eyebrow at Poe. 

"Now, what's the thing you didn't tell me? I know you're keeping something from me. I raised you. I know that look. You had that look about the boy down the road when you were a little boy. Out with it."

Poe hesitates, then sighs, resigned. "I think I'm in love with Finn."

When Poe leaves with his father, the kids continue on like nothing happened. 

Kas' hands are trembling slightly and Kicks looks a little worried, but other than that, there's no sign of the awful truth that was just revealed to them. Two doesn't even seem to notice that there had been a conversation going on about him and his brother. 

Finn's heart is doing somersaults in his chest. He doesn't know why, doesn't know why he's so anxious, but the whole conversation put him on edge, and Poe leaving with his father didn't help. 

He can hear Kes and Poe's muffled voices in the kitchen, Poe's occasional breaks. Finn can tell the breaks mean that Poe is stopping, collecting himself, stopping himself from panicking. He's done it enough around Finn and Rey and his pilots.

Finn can't make out what they're saying at all, but he listens intently, worried about Poe, about the look he'd gotten when Kas had spoken. And then there's a long pause and Finn's heart rate spikes, the beat of it pounding in his head.

Is something wrong? Is Poe panicking? Has his father ever seen him do that before? Is it something that he experienced before he came to the Resistance? 

Finn doesn't know, and it worries him. 

So he stands, untangles his fingers from Rey's and heads for the kitchen. 

"...when you were a little boy. Out with it." Finn finally hears Kes say as he approaches the door. 

And then, just as he steps into the room, just behind Poe, where the pilot stands facing his father, back to Finn, Poe says, "I think I'm in love Finn."

Stumbling to a halt, Finn balks. "You're what?" 

Chapter Text

"...when you were a little boy. Out with it." Finn finally hears Kes say as he approaches the door. 

And then, just as he steps into the room, just behind Poe, where the pilot stands facing his father, back to Finn, Poe says, "I think I'm in love Finn."

Stumbling to a halt, Finn balks. "You're what?" 

Poe rounds on Finn, gaping at him, and stutters out an incoherent string of words that make no sense before he says, "Nothing!"

"Poe, what did you say? You're what?" Finn repeats, taking a step closer.

Poe takes a step back, hands thrust in front of him. "Nothing."

Kes takes one look between the two and shakes his head, standing with a sigh. "You two need to work this out, and you need to work it out now, son," he says to Poe. 

Poe shakes his head almost frantically and backs up again. "No, there's nothing to work out. There's nothing... I didn't... I mean... I... I'm sorry Finn."

And then he's gone. 

Poe turns and runs out the back door, leaving behind a confused Finn.

Kes shakes his head and sighs again, stepping up to Finn and placing a hand on his shoulder. 

"What did I... did I... did I do something? What did I do?" Finn whispers, looking at Kes in distress.

"No, son, you haven't done anything wrong. Just give him a little time. He'll come back," Kes assures with a soft smile. "Poe just always feels emotions pretty intensely. Sometimes he overwhelms himself. Just give him some time to cool down and let him come back on his own. If he's not back in here by dinner, you can probably find him outside."

"Where outside?" Finn asks quietly.

"Remember to give him time first," Kes reminds, "but when you go looking for him, check out back in the biggest shed in Shara's old A-wing. That's where Poe always goes when he wants to be by himself. My son hasn't changed much since he was a kid. I know him. He'll be there if he's not in the tree. Now come and sit with your kids, I'm teaching them a card game. You're gonna learn it too." 

Finn smiles slightly and lets Kes steer him back into the other room. He takes a seat with the kids and tugs Rey to the floor, settling her beside him and resting his head on her shoulder. 

Kade takes a place next to Finn and leans against him a little, Sola takes a seat on Rey's knee and Kendri settles between Rey and Finn, tucking herself into the small space between them. 

Finn really smiles then and wraps an arm around the girls on either side of him as Kes teaches them the game and Zap fiddles with the droid and KC prods at BB-8. 

This is good, and Finn is happy. He almost forgets about Poe's outburst in the kitchen moments before. 

And then its a few standard hours later and Poe still hasn't returned and Finn is worried all over again. Kes says he's going to start dinner as Kade stands with him. 

Finn expects she's going to ask to help, given the cooking book she's had within arm's reach for almost the whole day. 

Instead, she heads for the back door. "I'm going to get Poe."

Finn, Rey and Kes exchange a look. 

And then Finn gets up and follows Kade out the door. 

~

After leaving the house, Poe had ran.

He'd run until he reached the shed he knew all the ways in and out of.

He'd thrown open the side door, the one that didn't stick when he pulled at it. 

Thinking back on it, Poe realizes that he'd acted in an incredibly childish way. 

But he'd just confessed his feelings for Finn. 

He'd finally said it out loud, he'd finally said it and that made it real and Finn had heard him. 

Kriff, Maker, he was so stupid, he should've looked at who was around him before he went and confessed something like that, but he didn't because he was just that kriffing stupid. 

Poe flips a switch to turn on the few lights in the shed and finds his way mostly by memory. 

In the dim lighting of the shed, Poe's hands find the edge of the old piece of canvas and yanks it away, revealing the old A-Wing he knows like the back of his hand. 

With a little sound he'll be embarrassed about later, Poe climbs into the cockpit, fitting into the seat he's occupied so many times before. 

He can't find it in him then to contain the panic as it washes over him, looking at the familiar controls covered in dust and thinking of his mother and flying with her and how she would know exactly what to do and how to help him and the words to say that would get him to calm the fuck down and... 

It takes Poe a long time to get himself together. 

He doesn't leave after that though. He can't bring himself to go back into the house and face the consequences of what Finn's found out about him. 

Finn's in love with Rey. Isn't he? 

He spends long stretches of time with his hand entwined with hers and he sits in her space and she looks at him like he's the most important thing in the galaxy and Poe can't get in the way of that.

They both have spent so long living such bad lives and suffering so much and they finally have something good going for them... 

Poe isn't going to ruin that for them because he was stupid enough to let himself fall for Finn. 

Finn with his soft smiles and big heart and caring even when he'd never had someone there to do any of that for him. Finn, who, despite all odds, is one of the kindest people Poe has ever met. Finn, who is exactly Poe's type. Finn, who is, more likely than not, straight. 

His surroundings are the only thing that stop Poe taking a swing. 

Even in his most enraged state, he could never damage his mother's A-Wing. He didn't think he could ever lose himself enough to damage something that belonged to his mother. 

He shakes his head and sighs. He can't keep a train of thought straight in his head for the life of him right now. 

He needs to get it together, he needs to calm down and go back inside and face what he's done. Maker, its already getting dark outside, and he's still out here, hiding, running away from his problems like a little kid except his kids are more mature than this, actually and here he is sitting in the dark in his mother's A-Wing sulking because he doesn't stand a chance with Finn and--

"Poe?" 

Kade? What is his kid doing out here?

How'd she find him?

"Oh, Poe! I found you!"

Shit. 

Kade can barely poke her head up high enough to peek into the cockpit, but with Poe's help, she scrambles in, plopping into his lap with a quiet giggle. 

"I've never seen a ship like this. Only TIE fighters and the kind that you're supposed to fly and big ships like the Finalizer. I've never seen one like this. And you know, you're really strong that you could get me in here even with your broken hand and...Poe, you're crying."

Poe brings his hand up to his face and scrubs away any remaining tears. 

"No, kiddo. I was, but I'm okay now, I promise, okay? I'm okay. I just got a little upset and I came out here so I could think."

"Think about what?" Kade asks, fiddling with the control of the ship, flipping switches and pushing buttons, but staying far away from the ignition switch. He feels a surge of pride. His kid is smart. 

He sighs and shakes his head with a sad smile. 

"You know how I told you guys about how you can love people?" Poe says, waiting for Kade's nod before continuing. "And you know how I told you that there are different ways that you can love someone?"

"Yeah. You told us that you love us like we're your family. That you care about us a whole lot and even if you get mad you still care and you'll always protect us from getting hurt." 

Poe nods smiling at the back of Kade's head, the only part of her he can see, her focus on the controls she's playing with. 

"That's right kiddo. You kids are like my family, and so I love you like that. I love my dad like that. And then Kare and Iolo and Rey and Jess and Snap, they're my friends, they're very good friends, and I love them. That's called platonic, which is kinda like how you love family, but a little different, cause they're your friends."

Kade turns around then, her bright blue eyes narrowed at Poe. 

"What about Finn? Do you not love him? I thought you did." There's anger in her voice now and it warms Poe's heart to see how protective she is over the little family they've built. 

Poe shakes his head, sighing heavily. "No Kade. I do. That's the thing. I love Finn in a different way. Do you remember what I told you about my mom and dad?"

Kade nods, her little eyebrows furrowing. "You said that they loved each other in an even different way, a special way, and that they did stuff like cuddling and kissing and other gross things."

Poe lets out a quiet laugh and nods. "Yeah. Like that. That's called romantic love and it happens when you find the one person that you're pretty sure you want to be at your side forever."

"And that's how you love Finn?"

"That's how I think I love Finn, but sometimes, people only like boys, or only like girls. I like boys, especially Finn."

"Does Finn like boys too? I'll bet he loves you ro-man-tickly like you love him too," Kade sounds out the word slowly. It makes Poe laugh. "Cause he looks at you like Miss Jess looks at Rey and Miss Jess says that she really likes Rey."

Poe freezes at that, blinking down at Kade dumbly. "Jess what?"

Kade smiles. "Miss Jess. I think she loves Rey like you love Finn. I heard her say it to Kare a little while ago."

And wow. Poe was not expecting that one. 

"And Finn looks at you the same way Miss Jess looks at Rey. He gets all distracted and stuff and doesn't listen to what people are saying and he just kinda stares at you, but he always looks away whenever you look at him. Its kinda funny," Kade giggles, her little face turning red as she laughs. 

"Well, Kade, sweetheart, I think Finn like Rey, and I think Rey likes Finn back, just like that. So since they like each other, they get to do all the gross stuff you said before, like cuddle and hold hands and...and kiss. Cause they're in love with each other. Both people have to feel the same way, otherwise its not okay."

Kade just nods and goes back to playing with the controls, and Poe leans around her, poking and flipping and explaining what each one does. 

He's so engrossed in it a few minutes later that a voice speaking startles him, jumping in his seat enough that Kade's knees knock against the underside of the control panel. She glares at him as Poe turns to the voice. 

"I don't love Rey like that," Finn says, "I love you like that, you stupid, kriffing nerf-herder."

And with those few words, Poe's entire galaxy is turned on it's head.

Chapter Text

Kade just nods and goes back to playing with the controls, and Poe leans around her, poking and flipping and explaining what each one does.

He’s so engrossed in it a few minutes later that a voice speaking startles him, jumping in his seat enough that Kade’s knees knock against the underside of the control panel. She glares at him as Poe turns to the voice.

“I don’t love Rey like that,” Finn says, “I love you like that, you stupid, kriffing nerf-herder.”

And with those few words, Poe’s entire galaxy is turned on it’s head.

Poe just stares. He has no idea what to say to that. If Finn feels that way for him…

He’s been doing all of this ridiculous pining for nothing. He has been doing this all for nothing because Finn feels the same way.

All this time. All of these weeks. Weeks he could’ve been doing something with Finn, could’ve been building a relationship, could’ve been working towards something better. And yet.

Poe hadn’t even noticed.

He’d been thoroughly convinced that Finn was in love with Rey. He’d been so convinced that he hadn’t even seen that Pava was the one really in love with Rey.

He doesn’t pick up on his breathing speeding up until Kade twists so she’s facing him. She pats his cheek twice, and then points a finger right in his face.

“Don’t do that,” she scolds, her little eyebrows drawing together unhappily. “You said that happens when you get really scared and this isn’t scary. Its okay.”

And, Maker, his kid is so much stronger than he is, Poe can barely stand it. He gathers her into his arms with a small smile and presses a kiss to the top of her head.

“You’re right kiddo. This isn’t scary. Its okay. Why don’t you run inside and tell my dad that Finn and I are having a talk, okay?”

Her smile is wide and bright and Poe can’t help but return it, shuffling awkwardly to get her out of the cockpit first, before he gestures to Finn to come up. He clambers out of the cockpit and moves to sit on the nose of the ship. Finn climbs up after they watch Kade run from the barn, keeping an eye on her until she disappears from sight.

Poe sits there, unsure of what to do, what to say, fiddling with the cast on his wrist.

Its Finn who speaks first.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to over hear what you were saying to your father.”

Poe shakes his head at that, rubbing the back of his neck. “No! No, kriff, Finn, you don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry you found out like that. I… I thought you and Rey… I thought you were… I mean the way you act with her and how you’ve… You just…” Poe trails off. He doesn’t know what he’s trying to say, and Kade was wrong. 

This is terrifying.

Poe has never had feelings like this for anyone, nothing even close to this. He can hardly keep himself together, he feels so ridiculous.

All he has to do is say it. He just has to admit what Finn already knows and that’ll be it. He can be done with it.

But the thought of baring himself to anyone like that, even Finn, who he’s finding he trusts more than anyone, makes him feel like he’s going to throw up. It makes his heart pound and his head spin and his chest constrict painfully until he can hardly breathe. 

He drags his good hand through his hair and tugs at the ends, his other hand doing the same after a moment, even with the cast on. It hurts but the pain is good, it gives him something to focus on, takes his attention away from the way the world is starting to spin and the way his chest is tightening and his breath is coming to him too short and...

"Poe!" He jerks his head up, almost slamming into Finn as he jolts upright. It occurs to him that a few minutes have passed and Finn has said his name more than once, but Poe can't bring himself to stop. He can't let it out. He can't say the damn words again, can't admit it even though Finn already knows...

He feels an overwhelming terror he hasn't felt since Kylo Ren invaded his mind and destroyed the man he used to be. He can't say anything because if he does that makes it real and if its real it can be used against him because he's weak, he's weak and pathetic and he couldn't stop Kylo from getting into his head and if that happens again, then Ren will taint all of the good memories Poe has of Finn too and he can't lose them too, he lost his memories of his mom, he can't lose Finn too, can't lose him, he can't... he can't... he can't...

"Poe Dameron, look at me!" 

Finn's shouting makes Poe jump, the pilot letting out a short cry, eyes wide as he looks at the other man. He looks wild, like he's a second from bolting and he can tell that's how he looks, knows he must be upsetting Finn, but he can't figure out how to fucking stop.

"Poe, come on. You're okay, I promise. Its okay. You don't have to say anything, okay? I know. I know. I heard you and I know and I feel the same way. You might not be totally sure right now, but that's okay because I'm new to this and I'm not totally sure either, but I know I feel something for you, Poe. I know I love you and I might not know how yet but I love you and you are safe right now, okay? You're safe with me, I promise. Please, Poe just breathe. Kriff, you need to breathe!"

Poe breathes in, ragged and unsteady.

Finn breathes out, relieved and shaking.

"Maker, Dameron, don't scare me like that again."

Poe's chest tightens again and he looks at Finn, his expression absolutely wrecked and starts stuttering, "I'm sorry. I...I'm so... I'm so sorry. I... I never meant to... to hurt you or... or scare you and I'm sorry for assuming and for freaking out and for--"

"Poe Dameron don't you dare," Finn cuts him off, voice stern, but expression soft as he wraps an arm around Poe's shoulders. "Don't you dare apologize to me for that. Its okay. All of this is not your fault. I talked to one of the techs in medical, and he said that this isn't something you can control. I know that. That's okay. And I'm not happy you hid how you feel about me, but I understand. Feels like he'll be able to find it somehow, right? Fuck it all up too?"

Poe just nods dumbly. He feels stupid and childish and so, so small. He's always been a big-shot. In the Republic, in the Resistance, among his squads. He's Shara Bey and Kes Dameron's son. Best pilot his age. Best pilot in the Resistance. Leader of the Reds and Blues. Black One. A war hero. Decorated. A fighter. A soldier. 

He used to wear this like a badge of honor. And it is. It's an honor to be thought of so highly by his peers and by his superiors. Its an honor that General Organa trusts him and treats him like her own family (though he knows that may be a little selfish on her part, she's lost too much of her own). Its an honor. 

It feels like a weight on his shoulders that's going to crush him. A weight around his ankle dragging him down into the depths of the oceans of a water logged planet. Crushing him, sinking him, drowning him...

All of these people who think to highly of him... he's letting them down. 

"You're not letting anyone down, Poe." 

And oh, kriff, he said that out loud. 

"I'm sorry," Poe whispers.

"You don't have to be," Finn whispers back.

It takes a while, the two of them sitting there in silence, Finn tracing little patterns on the back of Poe's hand as he lets Poe gather his thoughts, but Poe finally speaks. "You're right."

"About?" 

"Everything. It feels like... like if I really say it, that makes it real. And I want that. I want it to be real, but it feels too real. Like if I say and make it real, he'll be able to get it too. Mess it up like he messed up everything else in my head. I don't want to lose this, you. I don't know," Poe says miserably, looking at Finn as he lets out a sad sigh.

Finn smiles, a sad little smile in return and shrugs, closing a little of the gap between him and Poe. "Don't say it then."

And Poe doesn't know who starts it, he doesn't know who moves first, doesn't remember if he said something or just went for it or if Finn just kept moving to bridge the gap but...

They're kissing, now, and Poe has never felt this way. 

Its not heated or frantic, no grasping at clothing or pushing into the nearest flat surface. 

By all standards, it's chaste, just the press of Finn's lips to his, a slight bit of movement, the tilt of Finn's head, both of their eyes slipping shut. 

Finn smiling against his lips. 

The knot of anxiety and worry and ugly fear in Poe's chest doesn't go away, not even close, but it loosens. Poe feels more relaxed than he has since he returned from his stint on the Finalizer. 

And then Finn's pulling back, smile still on his face, one hand still at the back of Poe's neck, just a little breathless. 

"You see? No words necessary," he says, voice quieter than a whisper. "Was that okay?"

All Poe can do is nod, and then go back in for more, his own hands going to Finn's face, careful of the rough material of his cast as he cups Finn's cheeks, tugging him closer, closer, closer...

Its Poe that pulls back this time, resting their foreheads together, hands still on Finn's face. "More than okay."

Dinner is cold by the time they can really bring themselves to move from where they sit. 

Kes denies the smug look that crosses his face when they return to the house. 

Rey doesn't even bother trying to hide hers. 

Kade is smiling too. 

And this, Poe thinks, is good. Its good and its his and Kylo Ren cannot touch this. 

Kylo Ren cannot touch Poe's family, and if he thinks he can, Poe knows that Kylo Ren will have to get through him first, because there is no way that he is giving this up without a fight. 

Chapter Text

 ~Two years later~

Kas Pava is on the landing strip outside the base on D'Qar when it happens and she can't believe what's going on. 

The ship touches down on the planet's surface and everyone can tell from the markings that the vessel is First Order. She's got her blaster out and at the ready, braced in a defensive position as the door to the ship opens and polished white armor shows through the opening. There are others forming a defensive line behind her, but she pushes forward anyway. 

She takes a deep breath, hoping that this is what she thinks it is, not an attack, and announces herself. "This is Lieutenant Kas Pava with the Resistance. Drop your weapons and helmets and show yourselves."

A helmet and blaster are tossed out on the ground before her and Kas lets out a shocked breath, but doesn't lower her blaster.

The helmet is a Stromtrooper's.

A voice comes from within the ship as the person at the door steps out, hands in the air, eyes darting around in panic. The speaker is young, no older than 16, her white armor a stark contrast to her dark skin, hair shaved short. Behind her is a boy, the same age, pale skin looking even paler because of the dark bags under his eyes. He looks like he hasn't slept in days and a thin sheen of sweat covers his forehead. He tosses his helmet and weapon out onto the ground as well. He wobbles on his feet. 

"Designations CV-0310 and DZ-2964, ma'am," the girl says, holding herself stiffly, eyes finally falling to Kas, deciding that she's the commanding officer in the situation. 

"State your intentions, CV-0310," Kas orders.

The girl sags a little, her eyes growing slightly panicked again. "Diz, that is DZ-2964, and I heard about two troopers escaping with their squadron of cadets, and FN-2187 escaping with a Resistance officer before that. It was a long shot, but we had to try. We're looking for KS-2528, KR-0598 and Commander Dameron."

Kas holsters her blaster and puts her hands on her hips, a small smile tugging at her lips. "At ease, CV. I'm Kas. You're looking for me and my dad." 

The girl balks for a moment before regaining her composure. "You and your... dad?"

Kas waves a hand to the others on the landing strip, signalling them all to stand down. She speaks into her comm. unit. "Kicks! Get Azri from medical and get out to the hangars. Bring Poe, Finn and Kade with you too."

Diz's eyes widen and he shakes his head, looking at Kas like she's crazy. "No, no, I don't need to go to medical. I'm fine. It's nothing. This'll be gone by morning."

Kas holds out her hands in a placating gesture. "Its okay. Bring out your cadets."

CV's expression turns sad, but she turns and gathers the cadets from the ship. 

These cadets are even younger than the ones Kas and Kicks had brought with them when they'd escaped, and it breaks her heart. They're hiding behind CV and Diz and they look terrified, but they're at attention anyway. 

Kicks comes up behind her then, slipping his hand into hers. 

Kade bypasses Kas entirely, going straight for the young cadets, and Poe and Finn trail after her, stepping up to Diz, keeping the boy upright as they wait for medics. 

CV just stares, like she can't believe what's happening. 

Kas smiles softly at her and squeezes Kicks' hand. "This is my boyfriend Kicks, and my fathers, Commander Poe Dameron and Captain Finn Dameron. The little one is Kade. She was one of my cadets."

CV turns to look at Kade where she's going through the dozen younger cadets, checking to make sure they're all okay. She's quiet and careful and from what Kas can tell, Kade is calming them all just by being there. 

"So the rumors are true?" CV asks, and Diz turns his attention from Finn and Poe to CV and Kas. 

Kas nods and Kicks throws an arm around her shoulder.

"Things are different here." Kas promises. "You can have a family here, with us. Just give it a little bit of time. Its not like you're the first strays that this base has picked up.