Chapter Text
Age 5
The first time Chihiro sees Hakuri is over his fence, looking small like a mantis.
Chihiro was sitting on his new trampoline, looking up at the clouds. It was new to him but in reality, his dad found it on the side of the road and made his friends help him bring it over.
He was happy with just having something new when his dad exclaimed, “I didn’t drag this thing across town for you to just sit on it. Here!” His dad jumps on, launching Chihiro up high, enough to see over their neighbor’s tall fence.
Chihiro sees a boy his age with a bandage on his cheek stare up at him in awe. There were several other children in the yard with the same blinding white hair, but none of them were facing his way.
When Chihiro lands next to his laughing dad, he gets up and starts jumping. His weight isn’t enough to send him up high enough and look over again. His dad lays down with his hands behind his head and in less than a minute, he falls asleep even with the noise of his son’s exhausted exhales. Chihiro tries to look over the fence again for ten minutes and realizes he can’t jump high enough without his dad launching himself on.
He sits down next to his dad, tired and in the mood for a nap in the nest of his father’s body. He grabs one of his dad’s arms and pulls it out from under him, stretching it out so he can use it as a pillow. His dad who is snoring and used to Chihiro crawling into bed with him doesn’t even flinch. Chihiro lays himself next to his dad’s body and presses his ear against his dad’s bicep, facing the fence.
His eyes start fluttering shut to the sounds of cicadas and the neighbor’s children playing when he sees a pair of blue eyes peek over. The fence is several feet high, and his own dad can’t even see over to their yard without a ladder. Chihiro has no idea how the boy reached that high up, and he sits up again, not sure what to say.
The boy gets a huge grin on his face when he realizes he has Chihiro’s attention. He raises his arm to wave at Chihiro, but it’s a mistake as that causes him to fall backwards and land below. Chihiro freezes as suddenly the entire neighborhood falls quiet. And then there’s an agonizing scream that can only be from the boy.
This makes Chihiro’s dad sit up and reach out to grab the back of Chihiro’s shirt. “What happened?” His dad is fully awake and alert as if he wasn’t in deep asleep a second ago.
Chihiro points at their shared fence and says, “The neighbor’s kid fell.”
His dad whispers in his not whisper tone that he thinks Chihiro can’t hear, “At least he’s got like twelve more to replace him.” The boy’s wailing abruptly ends. There are no gaps between their fence, so there’s no way to look through. All of the children, including the injured one, have fallen silent. Several footsteps are heard shuffling inside when their door finally slams shut. Chihiro’s dad is just as quiet as him, trying to feel out the situation.
Chihiro asks, “Did he die?”
“No,” his dad immediately waves it off. He runs his hand through Chihiro’s buzzcut. There’s a bit of a smile on his face, but it seems more desolate than anything.
“Then why did he stop making noise?”
“He’s getting help now. There’s no reason to cry over that.” It makes sense to Chihiro, and if his dad says so, it must be true.
Age 12
Flying model rockets hit the sky. Chihiro sits on his beaten down trampoline that has a hole in the corner, watching them light up the dark night. They’re being lit in his neighbor’s yard, and he can make out their eldest son Soya’s voice boom over everyone else who is amazed. Soya most likely built them all with a bit of help from the younger siblings. He doesn’t think that they are as competent as him, but Hakuri would be as bright as him given the chance to shine.
Chihiro thinks about climbing to the top of his dad’s ladder to look over the fence, but he’s not sure what type of mood Soya is in. He wants to see Hakuri, but it gets messy quick when his entire family seems to get mood swings. Soya might be laughing the loudest right now, but Chihiro can change that by just standing there. It’s strange because sometimes Soya will like him but sometimes, he’ll “accidentally” shove him to the side or make him trip. Chihiro doesn’t ever defend himself to avoid giving Hakuri problems, but it’s easier for him to avoid going over all together.
Chihiro is getting older, and he’s getting angrier. It takes everything in him not to beg his dad to take Hakuri away from his family and move all three of them to a new city. It’s not like the Sazanamis would notice Hakuri was gone anyways. They ignore him just as they ignore his bruised lips and welts on his legs.
It’s never an Are you okay?
It’s a Did you recite your prayers incorrectly again?
Chihiro learned their many prayers to practice with Hakuri even though he himself doesn’t think about the gods in the way the Sazanamis do. He has matched every word that’s come out of Hakuri’s mouth, watching him shake as he tries to be tender with God. It’s scary to be twelve and afraid of eternal damnation and your family.
Hakuri has always struggled with it, and Chihiro can’t relate to him. His dad said it is a very strict religion that revolves around family values, so Chihiro shouldn’t try to understand it, just be there for Hakuri. Shiba called it a disgusting cult when he thought Chihiro was asleep upstairs, but his voice echoes throughout the house when he drinks. Chihiro looked up what a cult was in his dictionary the next morning and decided it was best to not bring it up to Hakuri.
Chihiro wants him out of that house, but the best he can do is keep him in his back yard and on occasion, the inside of his house where none of his other siblings dare step in.
Tenri used to join them when they were much younger, but he stopped going over when he became more dedicated to the family’s religion.
When the commotion of the rockets dies down, and the children all file inside for their nighttime prayers and routines, Chihiro heads inside his own home. His dad watches TV after their dinner, and he falls asleep sitting up. He sleeps a lot, but Chihiro doesn’t mind. He says he’s still resting from staying up weeks at a time during the war.
Chihiro gets ready for bed and slips under his bed covers. He looks out the window by his bed for a moment, but the window across from his has the blinds closed. He can make out light and some shadows behind it, but he has no idea which Sazanami is the one responsible for casting them. He tries to fall asleep, but it’s been three days since he last seen Hakuri. His father must be home.
Chihiro falls asleep after a few moments of worrying, and he wakes up to the noise of knocking on his window. He sits up and although he is half asleep, on instinct he undoes the latch on his window. Hakuri who is balancing himself on Chihiro’s dad’s ladder, opens it carefully before throwing himself onto Chihiro’s bed.
“Hi,” he says although he has landed awkwardly on his neck with his legs still out the window.
“Hi,” Chihiro replies. Hakuri crawls all the way in and shuts the window closed before closing the curtains, cutting off the outside light. It leaves both of them in the dark, but Chihiro can still make out his outline. He’s known to him.
Hakuri tells him, “My father left again today. He won’t be back until next week.” The structure in Hakuri’s house is more relaxed when his dad is gone. The eight wives can only keep almost twenty children strictly in line for so long before letting them get away with things like going over to the agnostic neighbor’s house. As long as Hakuri finishes all of his chores and gets through his prayers and homework, he can be at the Rokuhira’s for as long as he’d like. He just has to be home before bedtime but as of late, he has the tendency to sneak back in.
“Did anyone see you leave?” Chihiro asks.
“One of my sisters, but she doesn’t care. She’s wrote a letter to her boyfriend so I could mail it for her when I go to town tomorrow,” he says. Hakuri’s face is clear of bruising, and it relieves Chihiro. Still, he notices that he’s wearing his long sleeved pajamas even though it’s summer and worries there’s new scars underneath. Hakuri doesn’t seem shaken up, though, and Chihiro tries to not think the worst.
Chihiro asks, “What are you going to town for?”
“The temple my father had built is almost finished. There’s also a new house attached to it, so we’re going to go see it.”
Chihiro hadn’t heard of the new house. “Are you going to move?”
“No. Some of the younger siblings and mothers will,” Hikaru explains to him. “The house is getting too crowded.” The Sazanamis had a basement built a few years before, and they almost added a third floor to their home before realizing it was easier to expand elsewhere. With that, came building a temple for their gods that Shiba described as phony, not even in textbooks or Wikipedia, and lascivious. Whatever that meant. Chihiro couldn’t find it in the dictionary because he didn’t know how to spell it.
“Are you going to miss them?” Chihiro asks.
“Yeah,” Hakuri says. “The younger siblings aren’t mean to me yet, and the mothers that are leaving are the ones that are nicer to me.” Hakuri doesn’t know which of his father’s wives gave birth to him. They’re all equally his mother to him. Sometimes Chihiro thinks he can make a guess based on who is kinder to Hakuri, but he always ends up swallowing his speculation when they smack Hakuri around or yell at him over something trivial.
“Are you going to pray tomorrow?” Chihiro asks a lot of questions. It’s how he gauges if Hakuri is truly okay or not. He’s waiting for the day Hakuri will say something tragic enough that will convince his own dad to take him away from his family. His dad has played nurse to almost all of Hakuri’s injuries after they became friends.
He always says the same thing while Hakuri is wincing from the sting of rubbing alcohol. “I’m sorry I can’t do more for you Hakuri. When you’re of age, you can come live with us.” His dad has tried something in the past, and he even called his friend Azami who works in the government. The only downside is that Kyora Sazanami, Hakuri’s father, also knows people in government. Hakuri is his to keep locked up.
“I don’t think we’ll pray.” Hakuri lays down next to Chihiro, and they share the pillow. Chihiro lays with his back flat, and Hakuri curls into him. Hakuri has always been clingier than Chihiro, but he doesn’t care even if it’s summer and the room is humid. If they are quiet enough, he can hear Hakuri’s heartbeat. They are best friends. “I hope we don’t pray.”
Age 14
Chihiro’s dad doesn’t ask the Sazanamis for permission to take Hakuri to the lake with them in the summer. Azami and Shiba recently bought a lake house, and they are all going there for a month. The day before they are set to leave, Hakuri comes over with rope burn around his neck, and Chihiro’s dad immediately hands Hakuri a spare suitcase and tells him to fill it up with clothes. He waits outside the cult’s door and speaks to Kyora Sazanami. Chihiro watches from his own front yard how the two men stare each other down. Neither of them are easily intimidated.
“I’ll bring him back alive next month,” Kunishige promises him. Neither him or Chihiro are convinced that he’ll still be alive by the time they return. Chihiro would also be unable to enjoy the vacation, worrying all month long if Hakuri was okay.
Kyora tells him, “Hakuri will be more of a bother than an addition to your vacation. It’s better for your family if you leave him here.”
“Nonsense. We’d love to have him. I’ll make sure he keeps with those prayers of his, too.” His dad absolutely will not be doing that, but it seems to satisfy Kyora. He won’t be able to control Hakuri for a month, but he also won’t have to “deal” with him anymore. Splitting his family in two has brought on more problems it seems, and the man has aged a lot more in two years now that he also has a temple to run. His eldest kids are slowly becoming adults and taking on some of the workload for him, but Hakuri says he doesn’t trust anyone fully yet.
Hakuri rushes out of the house with the suitcase dragging behind him as if his father would change his mind at the last minute. Chihiro’s dad wouldn’t have allowed that anyway, but he takes the suitcase from Hakuri and tells him to go with Chihiro while he says a few more words to Kyora. Hakuri runs over to Chihiro, and they go inside the house, closing the door.
They sit next to each other on the couch, waiting for the front door to open. Hakuri is winded, and his hands are also shaking. Chihiro wants to reach over and hold his hand, but he hasn’t done that since they were young children playing together. Now they play Tetris and Pokémon on Chihiro’s Gameboy and sleep back to back. On occasion, one of their legs will kick over the other person’s and they will sleep like they did when they were younger.
“Are you okay?” Chihiro asks him. Obviously, he is not. It’s been less than twenty minutes since he walked through their front door with the rope burn, trying to act as if it was nothing, as if it were a small accident. Still, he smiles at Chihiro.
“I’ve never been to a lake,” Hakuri says. His voice sounds small, as if he’s afraid to be too loud. “Thank you for inviting me.” They had invited him weeks ago, and Kyora had said no. He was only there to say goodbye for the month, but Chihiro’s dad decided that No wasn’t a viable answer anymore.
“I’m happy you’re going. I thought I was going to be bored for a month straight.” Hanging out with his dad and his friends was fine on occasion, but Chihiro didn’t feel like watching Shiba and Azami blatantly flirt with nowhere to run. With Hakuri there, he has an excuse to hide away in their own little world. “Shiba says the lake is a short walk away from the house, so we could be there all day if we wanted to.” Chihiro asks, “Do you know how to swim?”
“Yeah. We all learned by being pushed into a pool of blessed water.” Sometimes Hakuri says things that are very strange, and Chihiro doesn’t know if it’s even that bad because he’s also homeschooled.
“Oh. I don’t really remember learning how to swim. I just always have known.”
Chihiro’s dad walks into the house before they can say another word to each other. He has Hakuri’s suitcase in his hand, and he wears a happy front. Chihiro has no idea what his dad really thinks of the Sazanami’s. He’s never bad mouthed them in front of Chihiro, but he’s grown to care for Hakuri a lot over the last few years. It’s getting harder to ignore the ways they put their hands and weapons on him.
“Shiba and Azami are coming for us at 5AM tomorrow so you two get to sleep early,” his dad tells them. “And if you’re missing anything, Hakuri, we’ll buy it on our way there. Chihiro needs a new swimsuit anyways.”
The boys scramble upstairs. The heaviness of the situation seems to drop with the reassurance, and they revert back to being excited teenagers. At this point, his dad knows that Hakuri sneaks in to sleep with him on occasion, so he doesn’t even bother offering the guest room to him. It’s full of memorabilia from the war, and Hakuri and Chihiro don’t like walking in there. The room always drains the color from their faces. Also, if one of the men catches them in there, they will get stuck listening to a boring war story.
They get ready for bed, Hakuri borrowing some of Chihiro’s pajamas. Chihiro stares at the rope burn on Hakuri’s neck before and after he’s finished getting dressed, and there’s a heavy ache in his throat. It itches, and he knows only getting Hakuri away from his family forever will scratch it.
The mark isn’t deep, but it’s red and noticeable. It will blister, and the healing process will be rough. It’s fresh from that morning. Chihiro can’t even start to picture how he could’ve gotten it because it flares up this spot in his chest that rages when he thinks of how Hakuri is hurting.
They both lay in bed, back to back because they’re grown up now, but they also both know they’ll eventually get tangled with one another. There’s at least security in that fact.
Chihiro asks in a whisper, “Does your neck hurt?”
“Only if I touch it,” Hakuri says. “He didn’t do it very hard or for too long before one of my moms stopped him.”
“Soya?”
“Yeah.” Chihiro can’t tell Hakuri he hopes his brother dies, so he doesn’t linger on it.
“Is it going to leave a scar?” Chihiro rolls over to look at Hakuri. That didn’t take long. Sometimes he feels like if he doesn’t keep an eye on him, he’ll disappear. He doesn’t touch him, though.
“Maybe,” Hakuri says and presses his fingers on the scar on his neck lightly. He doesn’t hiss. He is too used to pain. “I like turtlenecks at least.” It’s summer but Hakuri covers his skin even in the high humidity. He wears mostly linen clothes during heatwaves, but he still struggles and spends most of the day chewing ice and chasing a breeze.
He’s not as affected as a regular person would be by it. It scares Chihiro a little, but he’d never tell him that. Hakuri is insecure about many things, and Chihiro knows he is his one safe place. He’d never do or say anything to sabotage that, even if it means keeping the truth from him. He’s never known how to find a balance for it. Maybe one day when Hakuri is away from them, Chihiro will have all the answers for the both of them.
Hakuri yawns and whispers, “Goodnight, Chihiro.”
“Goodnight, Hakuri.”
Chihiro, Hakuri, and Kunishige squeeze in the back of Azami’s car. Shiba is driving. Azami is stressed about letting him take the wheel, but if he takes it, they’d get there at sundown from how slow he is. Azami is a safe driver, and Shiba is safe enough that they won’t die. It makes a difference in arrival times.
They pass by a town before reaching the lake where Chihiro and Hakuri buy brand new swimming trunks, red and blue respectively, and snacks for the week. Hakuri was very shy about picking things out, so Chihiro would hold things up and ask yes or no and Hakuri would answer. His family doesn’t allow snacks outside of fruits or vegetables inside of the house, so Hakuri only ever got to eat some when over at their house. Chihiro would take note of his favorites and tried to keep them in stock.
The lake house is dangerously close to the lake. Azami says it’s a liability and was hard to insure, but Shiba says that’s the only reason they were able to afford it, so they couldn’t afford to be picky. They spent the last two months renovating it together, and Chihiro is surprised it didn’t take longer. They seem to be on good terms right now.
Chihiro and Hakuri get assigned a tiny room that only fits a bunk bed, a dresser, and a standing fan. There’s a window that’s rain stained, and black out curtains he knows were Azami’s pick. In this room while they’re unpacking, Hakuri asks Chihiro if Shiba and Azami are married. Chihiro tells him in every way but legally, probably.
Chihiro has given up asking his dad about Shiba and Azami’s relationship years ago because his dad starts getting too philosophical about love and the war always ends up coming up. His dad can go on about the war for hours and sometimes, Shiba and Azami won’t be a part of the story anymore. Chihiro has decided it’s easier to not think about it at all because at the end of the day, they both show up for him and his dad- both always wearing a ring band.
When they’re done putting things away in the dresser, each taking up two drawers, Chihiro asks him, “Do you want the top or bottom bunk?”
“Uh, you can pick,” Hakuri says. He looks up at the top bunk with a glimmer in his eye. He’s slept in bunk beds his whole life, but he’s never had the top bunk. Chihiro knows this because he knows everything there is to know about him.
“You can sleep on the top,” Chihiro says. Hakuri’s smile is undeniable, and he goes up the ladder to take a look.
Hakuri says, “The bed is pretty big.” He climbs all the way on top and lays down on his chest, sighing. “And really comfortable.”
“Azami probably picked it out,” Chihiro says. “Shiba was going to have us sleep on a floor.” Chihiro figures they’re sleeping in a repurposed room because Shiba said the house only had two rooms, and his dad is in the other one. But Azami mentioned there was a storage room they could repurpose if they removed all the shelving and although Shiba won’t admit it, whatever Azami says, goes.
“Mr. Azami is nice,” Hakuri says. “Mr. Shiba is too although I got a little car sick with his driving.” Hakuri didn’t talk a lot on the trip, but Chihiro figured he was just nervous to be so far away from home for the first time in his entire life. The Sazanamis own a beach house, and they’d all go together every few years. As of recent times, without Hakuri.
“Shiba does drive really fast,” Chihiro says. Hakuri doesn’t move from the bed, and Chihiro is about to ask if he wants to take a nap before he starts climbing down.
He asks Chihiro, “Can we go see the lake?”
The two of them pass the three adult men in the kitchen who are putting away groceries. Chihiro’s dad is sitting at a stool, pretending to help, but he’s telling a story and is able to get away with it. They tell them to come back in an hour for lunch, but Chihiro doesn’t think they’ll be out that long anyways. They’re also a shout away.
Watching Hakuri meet the lake for the first time is like watching a baby deer learn how to walk. He seems unsure about the temperature, about the clear shore around their sandaled feet, and about the depth of it all. He sticks his hand in, the water reaching his wrist, and he smiles brightly. Chihiro stares at him, the heat of the sun burning his cheeks pink.
“It’s warm,” Hakuri tells Chihiro. “I can’t wait to swim later.”
“Maybe after lunch,” Chihiro says. He didn’t want to swim on the first day, but he changes his mind. He’ll sleep good at least.
Hakuri retracts his hand and shakes off the droplets, sitting at the edge of the lake. Chihiro takes a seat next to him, and he digs his fingers into the hard sand, trying to keep them busy.
Chihiro tells him, “We’ll probably fish tomorrow, too.”
“I’ve never fished before.” Hakuri hasn’t done a lot of things before. His whole life is secluded to the house and its noisy incense next door.
“It’s fun if you like the quiet. My dad scares off all the fish sometimes, so Shiba tries to send him off to do random things to leave us alone. But sometimes it’s a really good day and that doesn’t matter.”
“That does sound fun,” Hakuri says. He’s very happy to be here, Chihiro can tell. The rope mark on his neck is out, and he’s only wearing a t shirt, but he doesn’t seem to remember it’s there or how he got it. Chihiro makes note to tell him to keep it lathered in sunscreen and aloe vera. Shiba brought back an aloe vera plant for this reason, but Hakuri doesn’t know. Chihiro isn’t supposed to know, either. He just overhears a lot of things because Shiba is such a loudmouth who can be heard over the phone even when it’s not on speaker.
They go back inside to eat some sandwiches and then all five of them go outside in their swimming clothes to go into the lake. There is nobody else there. It’s the beginning of summer and most people’s children are still in school, but that’s their one advantage of being homeschooled.
Chihiro and Hakuri get sprayed head to toe in sunscreen by Shiba who might’ve exaggerated the amount they needed, but they don’t say anything and keep their arms stretched out. Chihiro has never liked jumping into bodies of water, he prefers to walk in. But he sees how excited Hakuri is when he runs over the wooden dock’s planks and cannonballs in, and he can’t help but chase after him. He himself is smiling when his body hits the water, and as he’s swimming up, he meets Hakuri’s eyes underwater. They smile and laugh when they both come up for air, the water dripping from Hakuri’s hair and Chihiro’s thick eyelashes.
So, this is what it feels like when your flying model rocket hits the sky.