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“And I bet if you asked my aunt to dance with you, she’d say yes…”
Louise Belcher’s whispered words echoed in Phillip Frond’s head as he stood at the bar in the ballroom of the Ocean Avenue Hotel, an increasingly warm untouched flute of champagne in his hand.
After his conversation with Louise and Rudy earlier in the evening, Phillip felt more comfortable being at their wedding reception and had begun to really enjoy himself.
The cake, a decadent chocolate confection from The Baker’s Sheet Irregulars, a bakery currently located in the storefront next to Bob’s Burgers, had been delicious. (Phillip hoped that the bakers had better luck than most occupants of that storefront.)
Phillip had found himself tearing up as he watched Louise and Rudy dance their first dance as a married couple to Stevie Wonder’s “Why Don’t You Lead Me to Love?” And a few songs later, Phillip himself ended up being pulled on the dance floor by Louise, who insisted that he dance with her and her friends when DJ J-Ju (as Jimmy Pesto Junior had dubbed himself professionally) spun “Groove Is in the Heart” by the Dee-Lites.
And when Phillip could no longer keep up with his former students on the dance floor, he ended up sitting down at a table with several of them, catching up with Kaylee Morganstern, Arnold Evans, and the Pesto Twins, among others.
Yes, as Phillip reflected on the wedding reception so far, it had turned out to be a very enjoyable evening. Except….
Phillip sighed.
Except I still haven’t done the one thing I really wanted to at this reception.
Even before Louise’s conspiratorial whisper, there had been some part of Phillip that hoped that he would find some time at this reception to talk to Louise’s Aunt, Gayle Genarro.
Almost twenty years ago, when Louise was in fourth grade, Phillp and Gayle had dated briefly. But intensely. The more Phillip thought about it, intense was the perfect word to describe himself and Gayle individually at time, so maybe their relationship was too intense.
Before their second date, he had made her a doll out of his dead grandmother’s shawl.
During their second date, he had admitted that he was so high strung that sometimes he screamed into a pillow.
At the end of his second date, he and Gayle had begun making out in the Belcher’s hallway, even though he had been vomiting in the bathroom minutes earlier.
After their second date, Phillip had been overflowing with excitement. He had had been certain that he had finally found The One. Gayle was passionate and funny and creative and she loved cats! And, for once in his dating career, an amazing, exciting woman had seemed to find him just as amazing and exciting!
What happened after that?
There was no big fight. No specific incident. It was even hard to say who broke up with whom and when.
They just each started taking longer to return each other’s calls and texts, and then they used the delays as an excuse to get angry at the other and decide that maybe it wasn’t working out and maybe they should see other people.
At the time Phillip thought that maybe his connection with Gayle was too intense to last for too long. And, in his darker moments, he thought that maybe it was just another indication that he wasn’t meant to find love.
It was only in more recent years that he’d begun to realize that as much as he had enjoyed the intensity of his connection with Gayle, he was also terrified by it. That maybe his thoughts that he wasn’t meant to find love were a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy. That maybe he sabotaged himself and his relationship with Gayle. And the more he thought about that, the more he regretted it.
And he hoped that maybe he would have a chance to tell her some of that tonight. And maybe she’d be interested in… No, he didn’t even let himself dare to finish that thought.
All evening long, whenever he had a spare moment, Phillip found himself glancing in Gayle’s direction. And every time he didn’t do anything more than look.
The whole evening Gayle had been sitting at a table with other members of Louise’s family. And Phillip didn’t want to intrude on these previous moments. That was all.
He certainly wasn’t nervous. He certainly wasn’t afraid that he would not be able to get the words out. Or that she wouldn’t care if he did.
After all, Phillip had no idea why Louise had said what she said? Maybe she was just trying to encourage him to stay at the reception. Had she actually talked to Gayle about him? Had Gayle actually said that she’d want to dance with him? Because it had never really seemed like Gayle was interested in reconnecting with him when they had run into each other in the past.
Phillip thought back to the times he had run into Gayle since their breakup, like at the Belcher kids’ graduations. She would always pretend she didn’t see him, then when she did notice him, she would act completely disinterested and make a show of looking for the rich, handsome boyfriend she had at the time- someone with a name like Dirk Moneyrich or Chad Wealthyfortune or Hugh Billionbucks. Phillip had his doubts that any of these gentlemen were real, but her bringing them up was a pretty clear sign that she wasn’t particularly interested in rekindling anything with Phillip.
Phillip sighed again, as he watched Gayle continue to talk to her sister and brother-in-law. He noticed the champagne flute that he had been holding for minutes. Phillip almost never drank, but it was a special occasion. And maybe some “liquid courage” would help him have the conversation he wanted to have with Gayle.
Since he didn’t have anything else to do, he took a sip of the drink. Lukewarm and bubbly it both burned and tickled Phillip’s senses and reminded him that alcohol wasn’t really his thing. But here he was.
Despite not loving the drink, Phillip continued to slowly sip it while looking out at the wedding reception. He did not want Gayle or anyone else to notice that he was looking at her, so he took care to look at the other tables and the dance floor periodically. Watching Louise, Rudy, and their friends and family joyously jump around to the fast, upbeat songs that DJ J-Ju kept playing one after another, Phillip couldn’t help but smile despite his anxiety about reconnecting with Gayle.
As a new song started, Phillip noticed a spry, elderly Asian man with white hair and a goatee heading over to the table Gayle was at and pulling Bob onto the dance floor with him. Phillip had no idea who this man was (although he looked vaguely familiar) but was immensely grateful to him.
Maybe talking to Gayle and Linda together wouldn’t be that bad? Phillip thought. After all, he and Linda had worked together on PTA events.
Phillip decided that this might be his best chance that he had to talk to Gayle. He downed the rest of the champagne, coughed a little bit from the burning and tickling, and slowly started to walk towards the Belcher family table.
As he was walking over Phillip caught another break: Linda was heading over to another table to talk to Sylvester Stieblitz and his wife Renee. There was no one else at Gayle’s table. At least my embarrassment will be private…Phillip thought as he walked over.
As he got closer to the table he cleared his throat. “Gayle?”, he said softly.
No response. She was not even looking in his direction, instead watching Linda talk to the Stieblitzes.
He walked closer. “Gayle?” He said more loudly.
No response.
He got right up to the table. Gayle still had not appeared to notice him.
“Gayle!” he said, more loudly than he intended.
She turned toward him slowly, with a casual indifference. “Oh, Phillip. Hello. I didn’t see or hear you coming over. I’m way too busy waiting for my date to come back from the bathroom.”
Phillip had not seen Gayle with a date at any point during the wedding or reception.
Gayle continued: “He’s been in the bathroom a lot. Because, uh, he has really horrible diarrhea. But that’s just tonight. Overall, he’s really great! Soooo rich and handsome, with completely normal poops most of the time!”
“Oh”, Phillip said, feeling deflated. He highly doubted the existence of this date, but it was clear Gayle didn’t want to talk to him. He might as well humor her before making his exit. “He sounds great. What’s his name.”
“It’s, uh, it’s handsome…uh,” Gayle paused, then said: “Hans Omrichman.”
“He sounds great. Very, uh, handsome. And rich.” And fake, Phillip thought to himself, then continued: “I’ll leave you to wait for him. I hope his diarrhea gets better.”
Phillip turned and was about to walk back to his table, when Gayle called out loudly: “WAIT! Phillip!” He turned around. She then added in a quiet, embarrassed whisper: “There’s…uh…there’s no Hans Omrichman.”
“Oh,” Phillip said, raising his eyebrows with curiosity, wondering where this was going to go.
Gayle continued softly. “You can join me, if you want to”
Phillip sat down in the chair next to Gayle. Although he had been catching glances of her all night, it was the first time he really had a chance to see her up close. His breath caught in his throat and his heart felt like it was beating much more quickly than normal. Maybe that was a side effect of the champagne…but he thought it was more likely because, even almost two decades after they dated, Gayle remained one of the most beautiful women Phillip had ever seen.
Blue glasses framed her dark brown eyes. Her brown hair now had a touch or more of gray in it (not unlike Phillip’s own.) She was wearing a lovely light green dress, with a white fanny pack around her waist.
“You…” Phillip gasped, finding it hard to get the sentiment he wanted to express out. He swallowed and tried again. Softly he said, “You look lovely, Gayle.”
She turned her head away slightly, and he noticed she was blushing. Then she looked back at him.
“Thanks, Phillip. You look hot.”
Phillip began coughing and reached for a glass of water on the table that hopefully no one had already used.
Gayle continued: “With your outfit. With the suit jacket and the sweater vest. It, uh, must be really hot, right? Especially when you were out there dancing with the kids?”
Phillip swallowed the water. “Oh..um, well actually this sweater vest breathes really well no matter what I’m doing.”
“Oh…that’s good.” Gayle said, then looked around awkwardly.
Phillip drank more water, to give him something to do lest he join her in the looking around awkwardly.
What the hell did I actually think I was going to say here? Phillip wondered. “Sorry I sabotaged our relationship almost two decades ago. Therapy has helped me realize I had some issue with relationships due to my parents’ divorce when I was younger…” Yeah, that just rolls off the tongue…
As Phillip tried to think of a way to get to that subject, he couldn’t help but notice something, or rather somethings, on Gayle’s dress. Hairs. Gray hairs. Too short and not the right shade to be Gayle’s own. They looked like they belonged to…but surely he couldn’t still be alive?
“Gayle,” Phillip found it much easier to speak than at than just a minute ago. “Mr. Business isn’t still…around…is he?”
“Yes!” Gayle said enthusiastically. Then, more sadly added: “Well, no. Not the same Mr. Business, anyway. It’s his son, Mr. Jimothy Business II, Esquire.”
“I didn’t realize Mr. Business had children!”
“Well, not biologically. Not that I know of. But spiritually, I feel like they have to be related. They look so similar and they have the same wonderful personality. He gets angry at me in the exact same way as the original Mr. Business!” Gayle pulled out her phone and showed him a picture of a grumpy looking, snaggle-toothed gray and white Persian Longhair Mix.
“Wow! He does look just like Mr. Business the First!” Phillip exclaimed, while already reaching into his suit jacket pocket to pull out his own phone. “I actually had a very similar experience after Dr. Bonjangles passed away. I found this little kitten who reminded me so much of him- she even has the same allergies!” Phillip showed the most recent picture of his two cats to Gayle.
“Oh, she does look like him!” Gayle cooed. “What’s her name?”
“She’s Ambassador Susanna Bojangles.”
“And who is that in the tuxedo with her?” Gayle pointed to the black and white tuxedo cat in the photo.
“That’s The Great Catsby. I could tell by the way he was dressed that he was all about high class parties.” Phillip chuckled at his own joke and was relieved when Gayle joined in. “What about you? Is Mr. Business II an only child?”
“Of course not!” Gayle exclaimed. “I could never have just one cat! That would be so lonely and sad!” She started scrolling through her photos and then showed him one of an orange tabby that looked somewhat frightened. “This is Scott Bakuclaw and… “She scrolled a bit more then showed him a picture of a long-haired black Siberian cat sleeping on her sofa, “this is Delta Purrke.”
“They are both gorgeous!”
“Well, thank you. They are great cats, but I wish that Scott wasn’t so camera shy. And that Delta was less of a diva.” Gayle tapped on her phone some more. “You see, they are the stars of my newest art project. Along, with Mr. Business. He’s the best at hitting his marks.”
“What’s the project?”
Gayle stopped scrolling and let the phone face Phillip again, it was a black paused video screen. “It’s called Meow-No-Pause! It’s a multimedia art experience using my cats to portray what it felt like to go through menopause. Would you like to see some of it?”
“Absolutely!” Phillip leaned in towards the phone in anticipation.
“Okay, so this is what I have so far from the segment about hot flashes…” Gayle tapped the screen and the video began playing. The screen flashed between black and red and white. There were cat faces and paws and tails. There were meows and hisses and growls, many of which had reverb and other effects added to make them even more haunting. There was music: discordant drums and bass and organ that built to a crescendo before the screen went blank.
“It’s amazing!” Phillip enthused. “You were always such a wonderful artist, but you’ve gotten even more talented over the years! So creative and passionate…” Phillip found himself beginning to blush, worried he was saying too much, and to cut himself off he grabbed the glass of water and started drinking again.
Gayle was blushing too and was not completely making eye contact with Phillip when she said, “Thanks. I had some help with it. Louise actually did most of the camera work and Gene composed the music and did the sound effects. Tina’s offered to write some subtitles for what the cats are saying, but I’m not sure if that is necessary or not.”
Phillip swallowed his water then said: “I think the message is already very clear! But I’m sure anything you and Tina come up with together would be brilliant, too.”
They both smiled. Neither of them said anything. Phillip tried to think of something else to say. Something that wasn’t what he really wanted to say. It still seemed too soon for that. They were just having fun now.
“Um…what other art projects have you done recently?,” he asked
Gayle looked thoughtful for a moment. “Well, the one that had the most success was Worf on the Wharf a few years ago. Olsen Benner even did a segment about it on the news! Did you hear about that?”
Phillip shook his head, sad that he had missed out on seeing Gayle on local TV.
Gayle continued: “It was a series of paintings of Mr. Worf from ‘Star Trek’ at different Wonder Wharf attractions. You know, there was Worf and his son Alexander going on the Scream-I-Cane. Worf and Captain Sisko attending a Wonder Dogs game. Worf sharing an ice cream cone with Data’s cat Spot. Worf decapitating Dizzy Dog with his bat’leth…”
Phillip’s face must have expressed demonstrated his surprise with the change in tone with the last painting Gayle mentioned, as Gayle quickly mumbled an explanation: “One of my other non-rich ex-boyfriends was the guy who wears the Dizzy Dog costume…ANYWAY”, she continued in her normal voice: “Mr. Fischoeder saw some of them when I was showing them to Bob and Linda and he really liked them. He especially loved the decapitation one! He suggested that I could sell them at the Wharf and we could split the money 70-30. He got the 70 percent, but that’s only fair because he owns the Wharf, you see. They became so popular after a week or so that the news did that story and…” Gayle looked down and let her voice trail up.
“And?” Phillip prompted.
“And Paramount’s stupid lawyers saw it and they threatened to sue us and Mr. Fischoeder decided we should shut the whole thing down!” Gayle’s face got red and her eyes began to water as she talked about it.
“I’m so sorry to hear how that ended. It sounds like a magnificent project that really could have been the big break that you deserve.” Gayle smiled while dabbing her eyes with a tissue from her fanny pack. “And I know what it’s like to have your artistic dreams ruined a big TV studio and their ‘intellectual property’ concerns…”
“Oh right! Your Melrose Place-mats! Those were so beautiful! You really managed to capture the lustrousness of Heather Locklear’s hair in yarn!” Gayle enthused.
“Well, thanks,” Phillip said, resisting the temptation to grab the water glass again to hide his embarrassment. “But my crafts will always be a side hustle at best. I’m not a real artist like you!”
“Don’t say that! You are an amazing knitter!” Gayle hesitated then quietly added: “You know I still have the doll you made of me from your dead grandmother’s shawl.” Phillip felt his eyes open wide in disbelief, but he said nothing. “I mean, I thought about letting the cats have at it after we broke up, but it was just too beautiful.” She paused again, and then even more quietly, maybe even more to herself than Phillip added: “And you’re still the only man who has ever made me something…”
Phillip didn’t know what to say and was relieved when Gayle continued in a more normal tone of voice: “Anyway, you also have your guidance counseling! And you are so wonderful at that! Look how great Louise and Rudy and Tina and Gene and all their friends turned out to be! You can’t tell me that’s all because of their parents! I know Linda and Bob very well and they have their problems, let me tell you!”
Phillip looked over to where the Belcher siblings and their friends were dancing and smiled. “Thanks, Gayle. Being a guidance counselor can be pretty rewarding some days.” He tried to think of something interesting that had happened at his job recently, even if it couldn’t quite compare to Gayle’s art projects. “The school expanded the Counseling Department, finally. I supervise my new coworker.” He reluctantly added: “Um, Vice Principal Chili Dog.”
“Wow, you supervise a Vice Principal!” Gayle sounded impressed. But Phillip had to tell her the truth.
“Um, it’s not an official title. He’s an emotional support hedgehog. The students named him.”
“Oh. Well, that’s still nice to have some help. And if the school’s hiring emotional support animals maybe you could get your cats jobs there!” She thought for a moment. “Although, maybe it’s best not to mix work and cats.” She muttered, shaking her head: “Damn Delta Purrke, you are such a frickin’ diva…”
While Gayle muttered to herself about some of the on-set problems with the making of Meow-No-Paws, Phillip thought about what he had been wanting to tell her all night. They had just been talking about counseling and emotional support, maybe this was as good a time as he’d get.
“Gayle”, Phillip said to get her attention. She stopped muttering and looked him in the eyes, and suddenly he felt uncomfortable. He tried to summon the courage from that champagne he had earlier. “Gayle…in recent years I’ve been realizing that sometimes the hardest person for a guidance counselor to guide…is themselves…”
“Oh” Gayle looked slightly confused.
Phillip pressed on: “I just realized in recent years, after my mother’s death, that maybe my parents’ divorce when I was a kid might have caused me to have some…issues regarding relationships.”
“You have issues regarding relationships? I had no idea!” Gayle response was sarcastic, but her tone was not overly harsh. She leaned forward as if waiting to hear more.
“And I’ve gotten some help in recent years. From Buried Emotion Emma and Low Self Esteen Hakeem and Child of Divorce Horace” He paused. “And, also, from an actual adult human therapist who isn’t one of my dolls. And I realized that back when we dated, I may have kind of ignored you or pushed you way because I wasn’t ready to face how strongly I felt about you. And I really regret that.” He exhaled deeply, and added: “And I’m sorry if I hurt you.”
Gayle was dabbing at her eyes with the tissue again, but also had a smile on her face. “Thank you for saying that, Phillip. After our parents passed away, Linda paid for me to start seeing a therapist, and he helped me realize that my parents may not have been the best role models for finding and keeping love either.” Phillip remembered how unpleasant he had found the Genarros the one time he had met them at Bob and Linda’s apartment, and some of the stories Gayle had told him when they were dating, and Gayle’s assessment seemed like an understatement.
Gayle chuckled sadly. “It’s too bad we couldn’t have figured this out decades ago!”
Phillip chuckled too. “I suppose. But, it’s like my therapist always says, ‘it’s never too late to be…’”
“’To be the best version of you!’” the two of them said simultaneously. Followed by them both shouting: “You see Dr. Robert Loudon?!” and laughing.
“I tried a lot of therapists, but as soon as I saw all the pictures of Id in Dr. Loudon’s office, I knew he was the right one!”, Phillip exclaimed. Id was Dr. Loudon’s regal Russian Blue cat, who was featured in numerous pictures throughout the therapist’s office, and often came up in anecdotes that Dr. Loudon shared with Phillip.
“Me too!” Gayle added: “I need to meet that cat someday!”
“I know, I keep asking him if he can bring Id into the office, and he keeps saying that I ‘need to be mindful that other patients have allergies,’” Phillip said, rolling his eyes slightly.
“Yeah, I keep asking if I can do my therapy at his house so I can meet Id, and he keeps saying that would ‘could lead to professional liability and ethics issues’”, Gayle snorted. “I think he’s just concerned that I’d take his cat.” She paused. “And he’s right, I’d totally take that cat.”
They both laughed. Phillip noticed that at some point in the conversation their hands had started touching on the table. He smiled. Gayle looked down to see what he was looking at and smiled too.
Then the upbeat pop punk song that had been playing ended and an airhorn sound effect blared several times, and he heard DJ J-Ju’s lispy voice announce: “Okay, so I just played ten fast songs, so now it’s time to take it sloooooow for a while…”
Phillip was a bit surprised that the song that started playing was “Whisper in Your Eyes” by the old boy band Boyz 4 Now. He knew they were popular back when Louise was at Wagstaff, but she never struck Phillip as boy band fan. Maybe it was more Rudy’s thing?
“Oh, I love this song,” Gayle said softly.
They watched as Louise and Rudy began swaying slowly together, arms around each other’s backs. Louise rested her head on Rudy’s chest. When he caught a glimpse of her face, he noticed that her eyes were shut and she had an expression of complete contentment. It was like nothing Phillip had ever seen back when she was making mischief at Wagstaff.
Other couples joined Rudy and Louise on the floor. Sylvester and Renee. Kaylee and Arnold. Zeke and Tina.
Bob and Linda.
Phillip looked over at Gayle and saw her staring at her sister and brother-in-law. She sighed wistfully.
“What’s wrong?”, Phillip asked.
“I always thought I’d have that someday. A couple in love! Together forever! Now…”, she sighed again. “Now, I’m worried all I’ll ever be is the hot single aunt…”
Phillip decided now was the time to test to see if Louise knew what she was talking about. He stood up slowly, lifting Gayle’s hand with his.
“Look, um, I can’t guarantee together forever right now but…could I have this dance?”
Gayle stood up and grinned widely. “Finally! I’ve been waiting for you to ask me all night!”
They joined the other couples on the dance floor. Phillip wrapped his arms around Gayle loosely and they began gliding gently to the music.
As the song went on, they moved closer and closer together, holding each other tightly by the time the outro began. Phillip smiled at Gayle and leaned down to kiss her gently on the lips. She kissed him back with increasing passion.
They broke off their kiss as the next song began playing. Gayle had a wide grin on her face. Phillip knew there was a similar expression on his.
Finally, after so many years of regrets, Phillip was getting a second chance.