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As Phillip Frond pulled his car in to the parking lot of the Seymour’s Bay Reform Congregation synagogue, he couldn’t help but wonder for the fifth time that day why he was doing this. Why was he going to this wedding?
The simple answer was that he was invited and he had RSVP’d yes and he wasn’t going to be a jerk and not show up. But why was he invited?
As a guidance counselor at a K-8 school, Phillip was used to doing the best he could to prepare his charges for high school and the world beyond…and then rarely hearing about what happened to them afterwards. Sure, sometimes a high school counselor would call to complain about a particularly difficult kid. And sometimes a proud parent would let everyone at Wagstaff know if their kid had made it into some particularly impressive college. And occasionally an alumni who was interested in pursuing a career in education or counseling would connect with him on LinkedIn. But most of the time he didn’t hear much about his former students. He had certainly never been invited to a former student’s wedding before.
And the first time it happens it is Louise Belcher who invites me?! He thought for the hundredth time since he had first received the invitation in the mail. One part of Phillip’s mind was on guard against the possibility that this might be a prank. Another part was skeptical about that- hadn’t she gotten that all out of her system while she was at Wagstaff? If she was going to prank someone at her own wedding, why would it be me? Surely she had some new nemesis to torment in the decade-plus since she had graduated 8th grade?
Phillip saw signage indicating which way to head for the Belcher-Stieblitz wedding and he followed it. Since getting the invitation he had been so focused on wondering why Louise would invite him to her wedding, he sometimes neglected the fact that her husband-to-be was one of her classmates, Rudolph “Regular-Sized Rudy” Stieblitz. But Phillip couldn’t think of any reason why Rudy would want to invite him either. He mainly remembered Rudy as a “fixer-upper” hall monitor who never got fixed-upped. Rudy never made it past Hall Minnow before he stopped being a hall monitor in the sixth grade, preferring to break the rules with Louise than try to enforce them with Phillip.
Phillip hadn’t completely lost track of Louise and Rudy after they left Wagstaff. As an avid public radio listener, he occasionally heard Rudy’s familiar voice reporting on everything from local politics to foreign films. And he would sometimes see Louise when he was shopping on Ocean Avenue, where she was helping her parents run their restaurant. But in their passing post-Wagstaff interactions there hadn’t been anything to suggest why Louise would want to invite Phillip to her wedding. Honestly, they didn’t really have a lot to say to each other. What would a twenty-something adult want to say to their former grade school guidance counselor, after all?
Phillip sighed quietly, still confused by the situation but determined to follow through on the social commitment he had made by sending that RSVP card in. He entered the sanctuary and looked around. He had wondered if maybe it would be a large wedding, where both members of the couple invited everybody they had ever met, but that did not appear to be the case. It seemed like there were just several dozen people there, probably family and friends, he assumed.
He knew none of his Wagstaff colleagues would be there, as he had asked around at the school after he received his invite. Mr. Ambrose was particularly unhelpful, not only saying that he wasn’t invited but fanning Phillip’s fear of a potential prank. “Make sure someone sends me a video of it, I know it will be HILARIOUS!”, he had called out as Phillip left the school library.
Phillip spotted some familiar faces, but they didn’t exactly put him at ease. Near the front of the room was Louise’s Aunt Gayle, whom Phillip had dated briefly back when Louise was in fourth grade. Phillip and Gayle had a lot in common at the time, but unfortunately one of those things was that they were both kind of messes when it came to romance. It hadn’t lasted. Phillip liked to think that he was maybe in a better place now, and he wondered if Gayle was too. But he still had no desire to sit anywhere near her at this wedding.
He also had no desire to sit near the row that consisted of some of Louise and Rudy’s fellow Wagstaff alumni. He spotted several, including Kaylee Morganstern, Harley, Darryl, the Pesto brothers, and Rudolph Schlichtenberg- the former “Pocket Sized Rudy”, who had actually grown to a fairly regular-size himself. Phillip wouldn’t have minded finding out how his former students were doing, but he kind of doubted they would want to talk with him, and he didn’t want to make things even more awkward for himself.
No, it was safer to sit in an empty row near the back. Before sitting down, Phillip made sure to check his seat. He knew it was impossible that Louise would know where he was going to sit at the ceremony…but he didn’t want to risk having brownie on the pants of his best suit. After sitting down, Phillip stared at his phone and tried to be as invisible as possible until the ceremony began.
When the ceremony began, Phillip’s mood improved. Despite being single far later in life than he had hoped he still tried to remain a hopeful romantic, and he loved weddings. That was probably one of the reasons he had RSVP’ed yes. And it was easy for Phillip to get caught up in this one.
He first smiled when he noticed that all the members of the wedding party were familiar faces that he had once counseled, with Louise’s brother Gene Belcher, Zeke, and Jeremy as groomsmen, while Tina Belcher, Jessica, and Millie were the bridesmaids.
Phillip’s took a good look at Rudy, and his smile good even wider- in part, because Rudy’s own smile was infectious. Rudy had remained Regular-Size into adulthood, around 5’9”, with a neatly trimmed beard on his face the same orangish color as his hair, which was covered by a yarmulke. Rudy wore a dark suit with a green bow tie, but what was most noticeable about his appearance was the look of absolute joy on his face.
And then Louise entered, and Phillip was officially so caught up in the proceedings that he stopped wondering why was there. The first thing he noticed was her hair, which he had hardly ever seen during her time at Wagstaff. She wore it up in a simple style that made sure that it would not cover the back of her dress, where Phillip and everyone else in attendance immediately noticed the flash of pink in the otherwise white dress. Sown into the back of the dress, below Louise’s neck, was the pink bunny ears hat that Phillip (and anyone else who had known Louise as kid) immediately associated her with. Phillip took a brief glance over at Linda Belcher, who had a huge grin on her face. He was certain that she had sown Louise’s dress; she had always done an impressive job with the kids’ unique Halloween costumes.
Louise and Rudy had written their own vows, which reflected their personalities. Rudy was eloquent and romantic and managed to stay just on the right side of being saccharine. Louise was funny and passionate and maybe occasionally crossed the line in to not-entirely-appropriate-for-the-setting. Phillip found himself blushing at some parts of her vows, and noticed that the officiant, Rabbi Rosenberg, was in the same boat.
After the ceremony ended, Phillip thought about skipping the reception, which was to be later that evening at the Ocean Avenue Hotel across from Wonder Wharf. While he had truly enjoyed the ceremony, once it was over his confusion and discomfort return. However, in the invitations, it was made clear that Louise expected everyone to attend the reception- it was basically the closest Phillip had ever seen to a threat in a wedding invitation.
At the reception, Phillip found himself assigned to a table with several of Rudy’s relatives and post-Wagstaff friends, whom he had never met before. Once again, he checked his chair before sitting down, but found it clear of any dessert items. He ended up in conversation with one of Rudy’s old journalism school friends, Dan, who was nice in a way-too-enthusiastic-to-talk-about-Doctor Who-with-a stranger-at-a wedding way.
When it was time for dinner, Phillip experienced a wedding first for him- the bride giving a speech about the entrée, which she had designed. Louise explained that they were about to eat a burger, “with everything”, topped with onion rings and chevre cheese, which Louise proudly explained was called the “I’ll Give You Chevre-Ring” Burger. Apparently, this was a reference to a song by a band that Phillip had never heard of.
As Louise was speaking, Phillip noticed Bob Belcher absolutely beaming at his youngest daughter- he had apparently found time to wash his eyes after crying throughout the whole wedding ceremony. Phillip wasn’t quite sure how the Belchers had logistically managed to cater their daughter’s wedding, but it was clear it was a labor of love.
The burger was wonderful, Phillip was glad that they had a vegetarian beef substitute option available (he assumed this had to be Louise or Rudy’s idea, he couldn’t imagine it being Bob’s.) He had to admit that despite his confusion over his invitation, it had been a wonderful evening. Maybe it was time to quit while he was ahead.
So, when he was walking back to the ballroom after using the restroom, he stopped and looked towards the lobby. Maybe no one would notice if he headed out now. After all, there wasn’t much more that he and Dan could say about Peter Capaldi, was there?
While Phillip contemplated that, he heard a familiar voice from behind. “Now I know, you are not possibly thinking about leaving already, Mr. Frond?”
He turned around to see Louise Belcher and her husband standing behind him in the hallway outside the hotel ballroom.
“Louise! Rudy! Congratulations! It was such a beautiful ceremony, and an excellent meal. The whole evening has just been wonderful,” he said sincerely.
“Uh-huh…and that’s why you are leaving now? Before the cake? Before the dancing? Before even talking to us?”, Louise’s voice had a definite edge of annoyance to it.
“It has nothing to do with the reception. You know, I’m just old…well, old-ish. And it’s getting late…well, late-ish…and I just thought…”
Louise shook her head, clearly not buying it. “There are tons of old people here! Our parents, Aunt Gayle, Teddy, Mort, Koji…really, if anyone should be able to play the ‘I’m old’ card it would be Koji, so you can’t leave before him…”
Phillip had no idea who this “Koji” person she was referring to was but decided that wasn’t really important. He might as well just be honest with her.
“Look, Louise, it has been a wonderful evening, and I appreciate that you guys invited me…but I don’t really know why I’m here,” he admitted.
Louise’s face softened, she looked confused…maybe even sad? “You don’t know why we invited you?”
He shook his head, and hesitatingly continued with his honesty. “Is it…is it…some sort of prank?”
Her face shifted immediately, to an expression he was much more familiar with from Louise’s time at Wagstaff: indignant anger. He immediately regretted what he had said.
“A prank? A PRANK?! You think we invited you to OUR WEDDING as a fucking PRANK?!”, Louise said loudly enough that Phillip wondered if the guests in the ballroom would hear her.
She continued: “You know what, Frond? Just get the hell out of here! I don’t know why you are here either! It was Rudy’s damn stupid idea.” She then turned around and started walking back to the ballroom.
Before she could get very far, her husband gently put a hand on the top of her back, between her neck and where the bunny ears were attached to her dress. “Come on, Lou,” Rudy said in a soft tone. “Tell him.”
Louise took a few deep breaths, then slowly turned around and walked back towards Phillip. She shifted her weight from foot to foot as she stood in front of him. She looked uncomfortable, uncertain.
“Mr. Frond…we…I…the reason we…uh, I mean, I was thinking about…,” she tried to begin, but seemed to be at a loss for words. She took another breath, then tried again.
“Mr. Frond, do you remember our field trip to the Museum of Natural History with a Touch of Mystery back when Rudy and I were in fourth grade?”, she asked.
Phillip tried to search his memory. It was clearly important to Louise. But he honestly had no idea. He had chaperoned field trips to that museum dozens of times. And it seemed liked every field trip while the Belcher kids were at Wagstaff was some sort of wacky adventure. But he figured he would take a stab at it.
“Was that the time Timmy O’Brien ended up knocking down the entire Viking display because he tried to get, er, um…hands on…with one of the female mannequins?”, Phillip guessed.
Rudy grinned, either at the memory or at Phillip’s discomfort in talking about it even now. But Louise just shook her head and looked completely serious. “No, that was fifth grade. Fourth grade ended with me and Rudes and my Dad being chased out by a bunch of scab security guards,” she said.
Phillip remembered now. “Right. The time your father destroyed my parent volunteer vest and had the nerve to say it was like that when he got it.”
Louise and Rudy both smiled slightly, but Louise just said, “Yeah, and you assigned us to be field trip buddies…”
Phillip still didn’t understand how that led to him being invited here. “And what, you were already dating then?”, he guessed. He made it a point to try to pay as little attention as possible to the love lives of Wagstaff students, except when it was necessary as part of his counseling duties. He knew things about Lenny DeStefano that he would never be able to forget, no matter how much he wanted to.
“Gah, no!”, Louise exclaimed. “We didn’t really know each other at all then! That’s the whole point! When you assigned us to be buddies, I just thought of him of the taller of the two boys named Rudy in our grade.”
“And I just thought of her as that girl who always wore that bunny ears hat,” Rudy chimed in.
“Yeah, he just thought of me as that super-cool, unapproachable girl who always wore that awesome bunny ears hat!”, Louise said. Rudy smiled at her revisions to his statement.
“Okay…” Phillip said, less confused than he had been before, but still rather confused. “But even if I hadn’t assigned you guys to be buddies on that trip, I’m sure you would’ve gotten to know each other at some point.”
“I don’t know,” Louise responded. “Honestly, for much of grade school I wasn’t particularly interested in getting to know my classmates. I didn’t think they could keep up with me. They could be victims of pranks, or occasionally co-conspirators, but I didn’t think I really needed friends beyond Tina and Gene. I didn’t really make an effort to know my classmates better, unless I was forced to by my siblings, or my parents…or you.”
Phillip appreciated what she was staying, but it still seemed like an odd reason to invite him to their wedding. “You know, I wasn’t trying to play matchmaker for a bunch of nine year-olds back then, right? Those assignments were pretty random. If I put any thought into pairing you two up, it was probably the hope that he would keep you out of trouble.”
“Guess that didn’t work out,” Rudy said with a chuckle.
Louise flashed her husband a mischievous grin: “Oh, honey, I would’ve gotten into so much more trouble if you weren’t there…” Phillip got the sense that she wasn’t just talking about that museum trip.
She then turned back to Phillip. “But I don’t think it matters what you were trying to do, Mr. Frond. I mean, I’m glad that you weren’t trying to play matchmaker for a couple of nine year-olds, because that would be really creepy. But what matters is what happened…or what might not have happened…” Phillip saw that Louise’s eyes were getting wet.
She blinked back the tears, and then continued: “When we got engaged, I just thought about our story. How we were in school together for four years before we really got to know each other. I just hate the thought that maybe, in some other reality, Rudy and I never really got to know each other. That maybe there is some universe where we were just classmates. Maybe we would just be people who saw each other around school…and then, after graduation, never saw each other again.”
She shook her head, as if trying to get that idea out of her mind. Phillip thought about trying to say something, but he honestly couldn’t think of anything to say. Addressing concerns about the possibility of not ending up with one’s spouse in an alternate universe were well outside his training as a grade-school guidance counselor.
“But that’s not what happened to us. Because you assigned us to be field trip buddies. And he was game for wandering off into the Amazon Room…” Louise’s voice became slightly choked up, and she looked over at her husband with a warm look of affection in her still wet eyes and squeezed his hand. “And we’ve been wandering off together ever since…”
Phillip could see how much this meant to Louise, he felt like everything was beginning to make sense. And he felt pretty horrible for suspecting a prank, when it was so far from that. ”You invited me here because…”, he said softly, as much to himself as to Louise and Rudy.
“Because I wanted to say thank you, dammit!”, Louise said, probably more loudly than she intended to. Phillip noticed she was having more trouble blinking back the tears now. Louise turned her head back to in at their reception. He thought it might just be because she didn’t want him to see her cry, but then he noticed she was looking at a specific table. At her family.
“Do you know how my parents met?”, Louise asked, turning back to face Phillip.
Phillip shook his head no.
“My mom was engaged to another guy at the time. And she was out with one of her friends, waving her arms around while telling a story,” Louise waved her own arms around while telling this, “and her engagement ring got caught in my dad’s moustache! Isn’t that the craziest damn thing you ever heard?!”
Phillip was pretty sure that was a rhetorical question but nodded anyway. It was definitely a crazy first meeting story.
“And from that crazy, random event so many amazing things came into their lives…into the world. My whole family…” She blinked again. “So, I guess what I’ve always taken away from that story is that the universe is a pretty random place, but sometimes, if you’re lucky, some of that random crap will work out in a way that is pretty great for you. And. I think, that if you realize that someone else played some role in making some of that random crap work out pretty great for you, you should take the time to thank them…even if it is your burnt-out grade school guidance counselor!”
And then, before he even knew what was happening, Phillip found that Louise Belcher was hugging him tightly around the chest, no longer holding back her tears, which were now dripping on to his suit jacket.
Phillip felt tears forming in his own eyes, too. Of all the possibilities he had considered about what might happen at this wedding, this had truly not occurred to him. He was prepared for a brownie on his chair or a fake cockroach in his food, he was not prepared for Louise Belcher hugging him out of gratitude.
While Phillip loved being a guidance counselor, he had to admit that sometimes it was a pretty thankless job. There were a lot of days when it seemed like no one cared about what he did, about how hard he tried. Not the students, not their parents, not the administration. And now here was Louise of all people, taking time on one of the most important days of her life, to thank him for helping her get there. He still didn’t know if he felt like he deserved the credit she was giving him, but he figured she knew her and Rudy’s story better than he did, so he would take it. He gently hugged her back.
Louise leaned up and kissed Phillip on the cheek. “Thank you, Mr. Frond. Thanks for helping me and Rudy get together, even if that wasn’t your intent. And thanks for coming to our wedding.” Louise stepped back, and tried to regain her composure, taking a few deep breaths and even reaching behind her back to touch the bunny ears on her old hat, like she did when she was nervous as a child.
She shifted from one leg to another, and then said, “And thank you for everything else you did for me, and Rudy, and my siblings over the years at Wagstaff. You know, you weren’t always a horrible guidance counselor. About 30% of the time, your advice was actually helpful.”
It was clear from both her tone and her words that Louise had had enough of being sincere and needed to go back to their old snarky relationship. Phillip followed along.
“Well, you know Louise, you were one of the more memorable students I’ve had at Wagstaff. And it wasn’t all for getting in trouble. About 30% of the time, you were actually an impressive student,” he told her.
“Heh”, they both chuckled awkwardly.
Phillip then noticed Rudy walking back from the ballroom, holding a gift bag by the handle. He hadn’t noticed- or possibly hadn’t seen, with the tears in his eyes- that Rudy had walked away while Louise was hugging him.
Noticing that Louise and Phillip had both been crying, Rudy offered them each silk handkerchiefs that he pulled out of his pockets. Why does Rudy have multiple handkerchiefs in his pockets, Phillip wondered, but he gladly took it and dried his eyes.
After giving Louise and Phillip a few moments to use the handkerchiefs, Rudy spoke up, “We hope you’ll stay around a while longer, Mr. Frond, but if you are going, we wanted to give you this.” He handed Phillip the gift bag.
Phillip opened the bag and took out a yellow vest with blue trim, just like the vests he would give parent volunteers on field trips. Phillip looked from the vest to Rudy and Louise.
Rudy continued: “I know you blamed Louise’s Dad…my father-in-law?...”, he added, haltingly, trying to get used to that new title for Bob Belcher, then resuming his thought, “for destroying your vest, but it was really our fault.”
“Yeah, he would’ve kept it in good shape if we hadn’t decided to wander off…” Louise said.
“Or if I hadn’t been so enthusiastic about ditching my backpack,” Rudy added.
“Or I hadn’t goaded Dad in to letting us keep exploring the Amazon Room…”
“Or if I had thought to take my inhaler out of the backpack…”
Louise and Rudy smiled at each other softly, gazing into one another’s eyes, clearly enjoying the memory to the point of almost forgetting why they were telling it.
“So,” Louise said, “We thought that maybe we owed it to you to get you a replacement. I mean, I know you already replaced it, it’s been like 15 years or something, but…it seemed to make some sort of sense when we came up with the idea…” Her voice trailed off hesitatingly.
Phillip felt tears forming in his eyes again, while simultaneously breaking out into a big grin. “Rudy, Louise…this is so thoughtful! You have both grown up to be such wonderful people! I know you will have an amazing life together! And I’m happy to have played whatever role I played in your story.”
The tears started slowly rolling down Phillip’s cheek. He looked at Louise and saw a slight smirk on her face, like she was trying to hold in some joking comment to undermine the moment, declare it “Sick!” or something. But she just let Phillip have this moment, and he appreciated that.
After he dried his tears again, Louise reached out and took Phillip’s left hand with her right. “Look, Mr. Frond, I understand if you want to go now, but I hope you don’t.” She started walking slowly towards the ballroom, trying to lead him back there. He followed. “I know that some of the other Wagstaff grads would really like to talk with you. We would’ve put you at their table, but the numbers weren’t right. So, we figured you would hit it off with Rudy’s nerds…” She added: “I mean, nerds in the coolest, most affectionate way possible, of course.”
As they got to the door of the ballroom, she added: “And you can’t leave before the dancing! I happen to know that the DJ will be playing some of the best dance music of the ‘90s later tonight!” She shifted her voice to a conspiratorial whisper: “And I bet if you asked my aunt to dance with you, she’d say yes…”
She really didn’t need to say any of that, although Phillip appreciated hearing it. He had committed to staying around for the rest of the reception as soon as he realized how much his presence meant to Louise and Rudy.
Following Louise back into the ballroom, Phillip looked her in the eyes and said, “Yes, I will stick around for dancing. I might be old-ish, but the groove is still in my heart.” He grinned, wondering if she would remember the reference.
Louise let go of his hand and spun away from him, melodramatically rolling not just her eyes but really her whole head as she sighed in feigned annoyance, “You are so embarrassing, Mr. Frond! Rudy, why did you insist we invite our lame-ass former guidance counselor?!”
Phillip chuckled at her act. Then he glanced over at Rudy, who was gazing at his wife with a look in his eyes that could only be described as absolute adoration. And in that moment, Phillip couldn’t help but wonder what had happened to all the other pairs of random field trip buddies he had assigned over the years.