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everything always changes. everything is unpredictable. as i was growing up, i needed stability, something to hold on to— which i never got. change was the only thing i could count on, the only constant in my life other than myself. and i'm not exactly dependable, even to me. which is why im so volatile now, perpetually bracing for the next switch-up in everything i thought i knew.
in some ways its good for me, you know? i mean, the bad things wont last, but what about all of the good? it's a weird, almost disappointing double edged sword. change, it takes over every part of my life. you wont love me forever. you wont care about me tomorrow. since i can't depend on myself, i have to let other people fill in the role for me —
setting me up perfectly for my brand-new, exciting, unpredictable line of work. i got to spend every day alongside the latest subject of my affection. too bad he was a m...- fuck, can't say that. can't think of it like that. in his own words, he was a life a 'life coach'.
a life coach with a twisted and sick philosophy where he colonized your mind and corrupted your thoughts and turned your thinking into his own. despite all of that, he actually made me think he loved me. and by that i mean, he showed me he wasn't scared off by me, by who i was underneath the surface. he accepted me at my absolute lowest, he saw potential in me like no one else ever could. he wasn't quite sick like me, but we found each other. call it fate, call it whatever. i found myself a teacher, a mentor. he showed me how to live while i was completely lost in the depths of myself.
so why was i losing grip on him? why now? i thought he loved me. loved me. i'm losing sight of it all and now everything's fucked up- this has to be 'cause of that fuckin' apprentice, right? mark? mark hoffman? this is all his fault. he's taking him away from me. it just has to be——
amanda was roused out of her thoughts. if hoffman thought he could take her place, he was so, so off base. she couldn't afford to be sidelined, not now, not ever.
she moved quickly through the dimly lit corridor of the workshop, her mind buzzing with plans. the tools of their trade—chains, blades, gears—glinted ominously in the low light, but amanda barely noticed. she was focused on one thing: finding out exactly just what hoffman was thinking, trying to take john away from her.
her fingers brushed against a steel table as she passed, feeling the cool metal under her touch. it grounded her, sort of, it reminded her of her place here, of the work she and john had done together over the months. she couldn’t let that be taken away. not by a sad excuse of a man like him.
what if it wasn't hoffman, though? what if john was finally deciding he had enough of her? that she was unfixable, even to his expertise. was she seriously all that broken to him? no— no, it had to be hoffman. this was his fault. but fuck, what if it was john?
amanda's feet dragged on the cold concrete ground as she walked, her boots scuffing every so often. she didn't care. thoughts were busy reeling through her head. she knew she was spiralling, she could feel it in the way her heart was practically thudding out of her chest, how a sharp choked-back sob clawed at her throat threatening to leave it the moment she opened her mouth.
she had finally reached john's little workspace. he was there, hunched over some blueprints, his focus entirely on his work. he didn’t notice her at first, but the moment he looked up, amanda could see the pathetic 'concern' in his eyes. jesus, he probably thinks i'm a total wreck now. a complete fuckin' mess, huh?
"amanda," after a beat, he started to speak with a measured tone, as if he was handling her with gloves of some kind. "what can i do for you?" john's seemingly patronizing tone only made her want to fly off the handle more than she had before walking through the door seconds ago. he thinks i'm oh-so fragile.
fuck it all. "i'm not-" her voice cracked as she spoke, the sob creeping back up her throat. "i'm not gonna let hoffman take my place. i'm not going to let you push me aside, okay? i'm not- i'm done with that. and if you even think for a second—" amanda was interrupted by john's confused gaze that was fixed on her, analyzing every little twitch and movement.
he set down his pencil, looking up at her from his seated position with his hands neatly folded on the old wooden desk in front of him. "no one is taking your place, amanda. you've been—"
"god, just shut the fuck up, for like, two seconds, and hear me. listen to me!" she would cut his following words short with a hiss. "i know you're leaving me. i'm not stupid, you know? i see the way you treat him, trustin' him with things you'd never let me touch in a million years- what's next? you're shoving me out the door to make room for him and his perfect fuckin' ideas?" tears stung her tired eyes, full of frustration and need. her whole demeanour had switched, once filled with anger now replaced with desperation.
john's even expression softened a bit as he listened to her rant on and on. she didn't want pity from him, she wanted his love. his approval. his... praise. "amanda," he began, this time a bit more gentle. "hoffman is a part of this. yes, i chose him, but i also chose you." he would briefly cough into his elbow, albeit harshly, before continuing. "you are the closest i've come to a... connection. with anyone."
a few beats would pass before amanda shook her head. "don't lie to me!" the words ripped out of her. almost immediately, she was hit with a flash of a regret, but she brushed it off and kept going. "you think you can just fix me? well go ahead, motherfucker. do it already! i'm right here! you barely fuckin' look at me!" her voice broke more and more as her volume raised.
"you'd never fuckin' understand, you know that? i'm losing it, i'm losing everything. i always fuckin' do this..." she'd wipe her sudden tears with the palm of her hands, pushing them to her eyes until she was sure she saw stars. "i can't take it.. i can't-"
john got to his feet, moving toward her with careful, calculated steps, as if she were a wounded animal that might lash out at any moment. “amanda, you're not disposable. you're important to me, more than you realize. but you can’t let this.... jealousy... consume you. it's not hoffman or anyone else. it's your mind playing tricks on you.” the word jealousy rolled off his tongue. what was that undertone, disgust?
his words went straight to her head. “you think i'm crazy..?” she spat, her voice slightly lowering, but only for a moment. “you think i don’t know what’s real and what’s not? maybe you’re right. maybe i am crazy, huh? what're you gonna do about it? test me again? show me the grand fuckin' meaning of life?"
amanda's breathing was erratic and uncontrolled, practically heaving now. everything had finally crashed over her, pulled her under. the world narrowed to the sound of her own heartbeat in her ears, it was almost deafening. she was about to be abandoned again, completely left behind in the dirt without a second thought.
john crossed the room. he hesitated in front of her before placing a gentle hand on her shoulder, his touch almost.. grounding. in a way that nothing else could be. he knew he couldn't approach her with rigorousness, it would just fuel her more.
"amanda, listen to me," his voice was steady and calm, but it had a hint of sternness to it. "i care about you. i have no intentions of leaving you, not for hoffman, not for anyone. you're so hurt. i wish i could take it all away from you, i would. but you prove yourself time and time again that you're more than capable."
amanda's dark, teary eyes stared up at him, the feeling of john's hand on her shoulder was warm. so, so warm. gentle. his voice picked up again. "why do you think i took you in, hm? in the first place?" john did not wait before answering his own question. "it's because i see your potential, amanda. no good thing comes over night, and you are well worth waiting for."
he retracted his hand back to his side slowly, the feeling ghosting over my shoulder for a few seconds before fading. the only way amanda could respond was through her tears and her seemingly blank expression, but under the surface she was so, so relieved to hear what he was saying.
"you aren't going to leave me?" amanda would huff a small awkward laugh through a few more tears, shifting her weight from foot to foot. anything to ease the tension she had just created. "i would never leave you." his voice was gravelly, per usual, but under it all was a bit of amusement. was that a smile? who knows. who cares. in the end, maybe he really wasn't going to leave her. and she just had to trust in that thought with all that she had.