Chapter Text
Tony Stark had been sitting in his living room, typing furiously on his laptop, doing some work for SI, when a folder popped up.
“Um, FRIDAY, darling, what is this?”
“While going through all SI Warehouse Inventory as asked, I found a discrepancy.”
“What kind of discrepancy?” Tony asked, suspicious as to why his AI was being so vague.
“Well, there was an item missing from one of the warehouses. It seems it was… stolen.” FRIDAY using a pause in her speech, indicating nervousness from the AI, worried Tony. At the same time though, it made him proud that his AI was learning the intricacies of human speech.
“Uh huh, FRIDAY, what aren’t you telling me?”
“The signal decoy stored in warehouse number 42 was stolen. There is video surveillance of the theft in that folder.”
“Warehouse 42, huh, that rings a bell. Wait, the Avengers Compound! I know we checked inventory before the compound was renovated… FRI, why wasn’t I alerted at the time of the theft? And how long has it been?”
“It's been 7 months, Boss. I was not integrated with the compound at that time, and I did not go over past surveillance when I was brought to the Compound. I am sorry, Boss.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Tony said, waving his hand, “it’s fine. I didn’t exactly ask you to, and you were pretty young back then. We can deal with the thief now.”
Tony opened the folder and pressed play on the video, his expression turning into one of pure shock. Then, anger. And then, slowly, a sinister smile crossed Tony’s face.
“Boss, is everything all right?”
“Yes, FRIDAY, it is. Those bastards aren’t going to get away with this.”
“Are you going to be pressing charges?”
“No, it would be bad press for the Avengers. The two newest recruits being criminals? That won’t look good for any people looking to join. And we need more people, FRI, cause there is something out there, something we can’t defeat just by ‘doing it together’. I wonder what goes through that star-spangled head half the time.”
“If you are not planning the press charges, may I suggest barring them from all SI Properties, Boss?”
“What a great idea, FRI. Let me call my lawyer real quick, see what we can bring up as a settlement.”
“Then why the evil smile, Boss?”
“Oh, I might not want to press charges because of how it would look in the media, but they don’t know that. I doubt they even understand media perception. I think I’ll just mention the charges, in case they are thinking of refusing the settlement.”
“Ooo, I like your thinking, Boss. In 94% of situations, adding the fear of conviction makes the accused more likely to agree to the settlement, as well as making the accused feel guilty for their actions in 78% of cases.”
“Well, if my plan is scientifically backed, I guess Sour Patch can’t have anything against it when I tell him. Pepper will still want them charged though, bad press or not. I think she wants to badmouth the Avengers, to be honest. Can’t really blame her. The super not-so-secret boy band is full of backstabbing liars.”
“Yes they are!”
“Birdman, how are you?”
“Uh, I’m good Tony, I’m good. So, why are you calling, man?”
“Oh, you know, just a little of this, little of that. So tell me, what were you doing the day my compound got broken into?”
“What are you talking about--”
“I’m gonna stop you right there, Peter Pan, coz Friday showed me this very interesting video I thought you might enjoy.”
*Video starts playing on Sam’s phone*
“Uh, look, Tony, man, it isn’t what it looks like.”
“Oh, isn’t it? Because I thought it looked like you let Tic Tac over there steal something from the compound, and then decided to cover it up. Tell me, why did you think I wouldn’t notice?”
“Look, Tony, it wasn’t like that--”
“No no no, did I say you could talk yet? Hmm, is this how you met Thumbelina? And you thought to recommend him for the team? Really? Have you no brains at all? And here I thought you had all the common sense in your little boy band.”
“Well, he managed to best me in a fight, didn’t he? I figured that made him Avengers material.”
“Honey, Big Bird could beat you in a fight. Don’t get all high and mighty now. Though, you make an interesting point. I think he should be involved in this conversation too, don’t you?”
“God Tony, don’t make this such a big deal--” Sam was interrupted by the ringing of the phone.
“Tic Tac, nice of you to join us.”
“Um, us? Oh my god, is this Tony Stark! Oh my god I’m talking to Iron Man! This is awesome! Wait till I tell Cassie I’m talking to Iron Man!”
“Hey, what, no love for the Falcon? Listen, Tony is--”
“Sam, you’re here too? Iron Man and the Falcon! Hope is going to be so jealous!”
“If you’ve finished your fangirling, I’ve got a little video to show you.”
*Video plays on Scott’s phone*
Scott gulped. “I...I…”
“Hmm, cat got your tongue? You would think the not-so-super secret boy band would at least make sure their newest recruit knew how to talk,” Tony laughed. “Hmm, stealing from SI property, and covering up a theft… well, I should mention the value of the signal decoy stolen makes this a felony. And, tut tut Sam, means you could be charged with obstruction of justice and an accessory after the fact. You know, I could probably get my lawyers to argue that offering a position on the Avengers was compensation for not reporting the crime, so that's compounding a crime. Oh, and don’t worry, I have the best lawyers in the country, they can make it stick. Let me count that up for you, yeah? So Sam, that's three years in prison, plus a fine, and Scott, with your priors, that would be at least 10 years in prison, plus a pretty hefty fine if you can’t return what was stolen, not to mention both of you being kicked off of the Avengers and Sam being dishonourably discharged.”
“Jesus, Tony, stop exaggerating!”
“Bird Brain, if anything, I’m doing the opposite. Now, being the charitable person I am, I am willing to offer you a settlement. Scott, I’m going to need that signal decoy back first, and both you and Sam are barred from entering all Stark Industry properties. Including the Avengers compound.”
“WHAT! How am I going to be an Avenger, Tony, if I can’t live and work at the compound?”
“Well then, I guess you’re not.”
“Not what?”
“Not going to be an Avenger, silly. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to fending for yourself soon enough. All adults do it nowadays. It’s very trendy. You couldn’t live off my money forever. I’m not your sugar daddy.”
“Um, listen, Tony, I don’t have the signal decoy. It was, um, kind of, um, destroyed.” Scott winced.
“Hmm, well I guess you’ll just have to pay back its worth. Don’t worry, I’m sure your girlfriend will help you out. I hear she’s in the Forbes’ Top 10 with me!”
“Tony, you are being unreasonable. Scott can’t ask his girlfriend for that much money. Gosh, you really are stuck in the past. Why can’t you just let bygones be bygones?”
Tony was about to reply, but Scott got there first.
“Shut up Sam. We need this. He isn’t bluffing, we could do real jail time if this ever came out. Mr. Stark is giving us an amazing deal, when he doesn’t have to.”
“But, Scott, this is where I live, I can’t give up my home, my family!”
“The Compound isn’t your home, it's a Barbie Dreamhouse that Stark has been letting you live in rent-free! And if they are really your family, then you don’t need to live and work with them to see them!”
“What...I...no...I,” Sam sputtered, “No. What if I refuse? Refuse to take the deal.”
Tony, who had been silently listening in amusement, chimed in. “Well, then I have to charge you, don’t I? And if I do that, then it means I have to charge Scott too, sadly. He seems to understand the trouble you’re in here perfectly well. It would be a shame for you to bring him down with you, Sam.”
“But, but, you can’t kick me out of the Avengers, Tony. You don’t have the authority! You aren’t even an Avenger anymore! Ha!” Sam sat up with pride, praising himself for his genius rebuttal.
“Actually, brainless, the Avengers Compound is still listed as an SI Property, meaning I can invite and kick out whoever I wish. If you have a problem with that, start paying rent,” said Tony, deadpanned.
“That means I can still be an Avenger, even if I can’t live at the Compound. And Scott and I can fight these charges. We won’t lie down and take this!”
“And, how exactly do you plan on being an Avenger when you can’t enter any SI Properties, meaning you can’t train with the other Avengers? Do you mean to tell me that you want to go out into the field without regular training? How very irresponsible of you.”
“I...I mean...uh...Scott and I can still fight this!”
“NO. THAT IS IT. YOU DON’T GET IT, DO YOU? WE CAN’T FIGHT THIS, SAM. THERE IS NOTHING TO FIGHT. WE COMMITTED A CRIME, AND WE COVERED IT UP! THERE IS VIDEO EVIDENCE OF THE CRIME HAPPENING. WHAT DON’T YOU GET! THERE IS NO FIGHTING THIS, THERE IS NO LOOPHOLE, THIS IS IT! TAKE TONY’S DEAL AND SHUT UP! I AM NOT GOING DOWN FOR THIS BECAUSE YOU WON’T SWALLOW YOUR PRIDE AND ADMIT THAT YOU WERE WRONG! I KNOW I WAS WRONG, TO STEAL FROM TONY AND NOT SAY ANYTHING. IF YOU TRY AND FIGHT THIS, WE LOSE. I GO AWAY FOR 10 YEARS, MAYBE EVEN 20, AND I DON’T SEE MY DAUGHTER AGAIN. I DON’T GET TO SEE HER GROW UP. SO WHY DON’T YOU GROW UP, AND ACCEPT THAT TONY IS BEING GRACIOUS WHEN HE DOESN’T HAVE TO BE, AND THAT WE SHOULD ACCEPT THE DEAL BEFORE HE RUNS OUT OF PATIENCE FOR US!” Scott was red in the face with anger by the time he finished, panting a little. He didn’t get angry often, but Sam was really hitting a nerve. Scott was going to lose his daughter, all because Sam couldn’t get his head out of his ass. Calming down a litte, Scott continued, this time softer, “Listen, Sam, Stark offered us a way out, and I for one am taking it. You should too.”
Humbled and humiliated, Sam hung his head. “I...I, yes, Tony, okay. I’ll take the deal. Scott’s, er, right.”
“Great, now that that’s sorted, I’ll send over the paperwork to be signed. Just the restraining order for SI Properties, and official Avenger resignations. All simple stuff. You can look it over with a lawyer, but I want it signed and in action by Friday. That means out of my property by Friday, Sam. Otherwise I’ll be pressing charges.”
“Um, Stark,” Scott said meekly, worried about pushing the man’s patience, “I was wondering if I could get a list of all Stark Industry Properties. I don’t want to accidentally breach the restraining order.”
“Good thinking, Stuart Little. The list is being sent with the paperwork.”
“Well, that was a great talk. We should do it again some time. Or, well, maybe not. Ha. Peace out.”
And with that, Tony hung up the phone.
“Great job, Boss. If you ask me though, you were too nice. They’ve been--”
“Yeah, I know, walking all over me since they met me, I’ve heard it before. You got that lecture from Honey Bear, didn’t you?” Tony said, throwing an accusatory glance at the camera in the corner of the room. “I felt bad for the Scott guy, really. He has a kid and everything.”
“He should have thought of the kid before getting back into the criminal business directly after leaving jail, ” FRIDAY said darkly.
“You still have a lot to learn about the world, FRI. People aren’t that simple. Either way, as long as he doesn’t try anything again, and he definitely won’t, then all is well.”