Archive of Our Own

The house was too quiet without Nick.

Charlie had spent years getting used to his boyfriend being around. Even back when they were just friends, Charlie's life was constantly filled with the noise of Nick.

Sometimes when they were in different rooms Nick would yell out a joke or a comment. Nick was always laughing and smiling and saying things and making sure Charlie knew everything that was on his mind.

Even when they sat together in silence, Nick was there, a whisper of movement, a constant presence in Charlie’s life.

Being without him was so empty, so hollow.

Charlie felt like a ghost walking through their house, making his way down familiar hallways and up the stairs until he made it into their bedroom. It was a picture of what Charlie’s life had been only a few days ago. Their bed wasn’t made, neither of them ever felt like doing it and why would they? Charlie felt compelled to get it done, pulling their comforter up, making sure each of their pillows were perfectly placed against the headboard. Nick’s pillow smelled like him, the scent Charlie worshiped, wanted to wrap himself in, and he found himself clinging on to Nick’s pillow, holding it against his face.

If he hadn’t been crying for days, he might have shed some tears, but they were all dried up.

Nick had left a pair of jeans on the floor and Charlie picked them up, hanging them on the little hook in their closet. He grabbed a few jumpers, all of Nick’s, along with some pants and socks, shoving them in the bag he’d grabbed earlier. Tori had told him to take a proper shower too, but the thought of going into their bathroom, smelling Nick’s aftershave, the shower they usually shared… it was too much.

Instead, he went into the guest bathroom, showering in there, avoiding using his normal shampoo - their normal shampoo. His anxious brain didn’t leave him for a second, reminding him over and over again what he was doing, what was happening, why the house was so cold and empty. Once he was finished, he dressed in jeans and one of Nick’s older hoodies, one from Leeds with his name written across the back in faded lettering.

He left their room as quickly as he could.

When he stepped into the kitchen, he let out a sigh of relief. Someone, probably Sarah, had come into their house and cleaned up the things Charlie had left behind. He’d been unloading grocery bags when he’d received the news, and in his haste, he’d left them all out. Sarah must have come by and put them away, throwing out what had gone bad, judging by the empty bin in the corner. He’d have to remember to thank her properly.

He vaguely remembered Tori offering to come and get Daisy but he couldn’t remember what ended up happening. She probably did, or maybe Elle came to get her, she certainly wasn’t in the house with Charlie. Unless she was scared and hiding somewhere.

Charlie wished he could hide somewhere.

But he couldn’t, because he needed to eat something, real food as Tori had put it, not the quick bites of hospital cafeteria food that was shoved in front of him. Nothing was appealing at all, food didn’t even taste right anymore, not with… not with what was happening.

His mobile buzzing jarred him out of his stupor, he’d been staring into the fridge for who knows how long. A sense of deja vu rushed over him, having been in this very same position, and his heart clenched.

What if something happened? What if something went wrong and he wasn’t there? He’d told Nick he loved him before he’d left, but Nick was still asleep, he didn’t even hear Charlie say it. He couldn’t remember if he said it before Nick left that last morning, or if he'd been too busy, too caught up in his own routine to remember to say those simple, easy words. The ones he’d wanted to say since the day he met Nick, the words that flowed between them so easily from the second Charlie first said it, until now, nearly 10 years later.

He couldn’t remember.

“Hello?” he answered, his voice coming out as a croak, words trapped in his throat. Who knew how long he’d been standing there, bracing himself for bad news.

“Everything’s okay,” Tori answered, knowing that’s what Charlie needed to hear. “I just wanted to check up on you, it’s been a bit of a long time…”

Charlie pulled the mobile back to look at the time. He thought maybe an hour had gone by, but instead it was nearly two and a half. What had he been doing? Why couldn’t he remember? Why did time pass so quickly and slowly all at the same time?

“Charlie?” Tori’s voice came from far away, and he switched the mobile on speaker, so he could hold it in his hands, have something to focus on.

“Sorry, I didn’t realize,” he started. “I was just - I needed to shower and now I’m trying to eat something but I don’t think I can do it, Tori.”

“It’s alright,” Tori said. “I knew I should have come with you. Do you want me to come now?” There was an underlying question to her voice, a concern that Charlie hadn’t heard in years, not since his time at inpatient when Tori wasn’t convinced he’d ever be okay again. When he wasn’t convinced of the same thing.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll… there’s soup. I can make soup or something. I think I have eggs? I don’t know, I bought them from the store but then the hospital called and I don’t think I put them away. Sarah was here, wasn’t she? But I think she had to throw them out, Tori. She had to have thrown out the peanut butter ice cream Nick likes too. He’s going to be so sad, isn’t he? That we spent the money but wasted it. What if he wants it? Should I go get it?”

Getting the ice cream was half the reason Charlie had gone to the store. Nick had wanted it the day before, but they were out. He wanted to surprise his boyfriend when he got back from rugby. He was going to make ice cream shakes with it, just like old times, but now Nick would enjoy a respectable adult flavor and not that disgusting bubblegum monstrosity Charlie could remember him eating. The flavourof it was still so vivid, even after all those years, the sugary sweetness that tasted so weird on his tongue.

“Charlie,” Tori said, very evenly, very delicately like she wasn’t sure what might happen if the words weren’t spoken this way. “Take a deep breath for me. Why don’t you just wait, okay? I can leave, Sarah is here, she’ll stay with Nick. I’ll get you and we’ll get something to eat together and then come back.”

“I’ve been gone for too long,” Charlie said suddenly, racing over to shove his feet back into his Converse. “Tori, I’ve been here too long, I can’t be away if something happens. I can’t - Nick can’t die without me. I don’t want him to be alone.”

Or did Charlie, on some level, not want to be there when Nick died? What would be better? Knowing the very last second that Nick was still his? Or not being there, not subjecting himself to knowing the way Nick’s body would stop working, not knowing what his last breath sounded like as he took it? Would he feel better never having known that? Could he somehow go on, living a life believing that since he hadn't seen it, Nick was still alive somewhere?

He didn’t know, he couldn’t choose, it wasn’t fair.

“Charlie,” Tori said again, her voice loud over the speaker and Charlie could tell she’d said it a few times already. “Listen to me, Nick is okay right now. He’s not going to die-”

“You can’t say that!” Charlie shouted, suddenly collapsing onto his knees in front of his door. “You promised you wouldn’t lie to me! He could die, Tori. They said he could still have swelling in his brain! It would be so painful, I looked it up and he would be in so much pain and then he’d be gone and I don’t know what to fucking do, Tori. I can’t lose him, I promised him I’d never leave and he can’t do it instead.”

“I know,” Tori said. “I know, Charlie, but you need to breathe, okay? I’m so sorry I didn’t come with you, I thought you’d be okay. Listen, Olly’s closer than me right now, I just texted him. He can be there in 10 minutes, can you wait 10 minutes?”

“The house is too quiet,” Charlie whispered.

“Then I’ll talk to you, alright? I’ll tell you anything you want to hear.”

What Charlie wanted to hear was that this entire thing was all a dream. That Nick was fine, that the rugby game ended with Nick’s team winning, Nick calling on his way home to see if Charlie wanted him to pick up takeaway. Not a phone call from Nick’s coach, urging Charlie to get to the A&E as quickly as possible.

“Tell me about how you met Micheal,” Charlie said, like a child looking for a bedtime story. He knew this one, he was there for most of it, but he wanted to hear it again. He wanted to think of a different time.It might not have been the best time but it was a story he could remember, could imagen along with Tori’s words.

“Really?” Tori said, but she wasn’t complaining. “Alright, well, as you know I got to school one day…”

Oliver had a key to their house, so Charlie didn’t even have to leave his spot in the hallway, sitting up against the wall, legs bent, knees pressed to his chest. Tori only allowed him to hang up when Oliver walked in, greeting his siblings.

Smiling at Charlie, he came over and plopped himself down across from his brother. They looked like twins, Oliver might have been taller and his eyes dark brown, but it was like looking at his past self when Oliver sat across from him. He could see the young Charlie Spring, the one who fell madly in love with a rugby boy. The one who had no idea what his life would be like, the things he’d do, the places he’d go, the love he’d feel.

The young Charlie who had no idea what it was like to be in this current position. Stuck in some kind of deep purgatory of not knowing, of waiting on bated breath for an answer to a question Charlie never wanted to ask in the first place.

Was Nick going to die?

“Hey,” Charlie answered, swallowing down the lingering thought that looped itself through his brain. “Sorry.”

“Oi, no sorries, even I know that. Tori said you need to eat? You’re in luck, I’m hungry and can make a mean cheese toastie if you’re alright,” Oliver offered, his head titled to the side.

“I need to go back to Nick,” Charlie said, like a broken record player.

“Yeah, I know, but you need to eat first, yeah? Then I promise, I’ll take you back to Nick.”

Was that what Charlie really wanted? Going back to Nick was forcing him to face a reality he didn’t want to live in. Could he just sit here in his hallway forever? If he never left the house, did that mean he could keep on pretending?

“Come on,” Oliver said, extending his hand out to Charlie, helping to pull his older brother to his feet. Charlie swayed a little, the lack of food and sleep clearly starting to get to him. He’d skipped his meds for two days, not on purpose, but Charlie had lost all sense of time when he arrived at the A&E. It could have been seconds or years between the waiting room and finally seeing Nick. Time had no meaning.

Oliver held his hand as he pulled Charlie into the kitchen, directing him to sit at the wood table. Nick had picked it out, big enough for their families to use when they visited. Big enough to have their friends gathered around them. Too big for just the two of them, much too big for just Charlie if that’s how things worked out. He’d have to sell it, get a new one. Or would he have to sell the house too? He couldn't afford it on his own, not without Nick there. He’d lose everything that had ever been home to him.

“Ah,” Oliver said, rummaging in Charlie’s fridge. “Got cheese, butter, and mayo. Good. Don’t complain about me using mayo, it makes the toasties so much crispier. And don’t worry, I’ll make sure the cheese is even on each slice.”

Oliver had been shielded from the worst of Charlie’s troubles, but he held no illusion that Olly wasn’t aware of exactly what had happened. It was easy to see in the way his brother prepared his food, slowly, making sure Charlie saw everything happening. He kept up a steady stream of words, none of which stuck to Charlie’s brain, but he appreciated them all the same.

“You’ve really got to tell me where Nick got these nonstick pans. I think I might have to pick up a set for myself in the future. Much better than the ones mum uses, at any rate. Isn’t it weird that as kids you could care less about this stuff but the second you’re an adult, suddenly the stickiness of pans becomes an actual concern in your daily life? Wild, honestly. Wish they taught me about purchasing kitchen equipment in school, much better than calculus.”

Soon enough he was sliding a plate with half a cheese toastie on it to Charlie, as he sat across from him, his own plate with the rest of Charlie’s half and one full one of his own. Charlie could only watch as Oliver took a single bite, humming happily to himself as he did so. He looked like he was trying to get Charlie to follow along, to show a toddler that look, this food is good, you should try eating it.

“Sorry,” Charlie blurted out. “You shouldn’t have to take care of me like this, it’s not-”

“Listen,” Oliver said, mouth half full of cheese and bread. He used the sandwich in his hand to point at Charlie. “This sucks ass, alright? You of all people should know it’s okay to need help sometimes. I love you and Nick, so being here and helping you is no problem.”

“But I’m-” Charlie started, only to have Oliver shake the sandwich at him. He looked so much like mum, it made Charlie’s head spin a little.

“Yes, you’re older but I’m still your brother, Charlie. Stop apologizing instead of eating, yeah?” Oliver said, guesting back towards Charlie’s plate, where the lone half-toastie sat. “You’re a right grump when you’re hungry,” Oliver added, shoving his sandwich into his mouth.

Without a real leg to stand on, Charlie picked up his cheese toastie and nibbled on it. It was actually pretty good, he was about to say so when Oliver smirked at him. “I can cook, you know,” he said. “Don’t be so surprised.”

“I’ve never seen you cook before,” Charlie admitted.

Oliver shrugged. “You haven’t lived at home in like, what 7 years now? Since you left for uni? During that time I learned a few things and you forget, I’m starting uni next year, where I’m going to have to fend for myself.”

It was hard for Charlie to wrap his head around time having moved so quickly. Oliver was always a little kid to him, missing teeth, long hair and energy that used to drive Charlie insane sometimes. He couldn’t reconcile it with the teenager in front of him, the one who rattled on about pans and made toasties. It wasn't like Charlie thought of himself as much of an adult either, despite a mortgage and full time job. He was still just a love sick teenager, following around Nick like a lost puppy.

If Nick died, then he’d really be a lost puppy. Who would help him with the bills? Who would make sure his scripts were always ordered? Who would take out the bins when Charlie forgot? Who would do all the adult things Charlie’s anxious brain could never grasp on to?

Oliver interrupted his thoughts. “Oi, no getting sad when eating the delicious cheese toastie I made for you.”

A memory from years ago danced in his brain, those same words he spoke to Nick once. No being sad on my birthday. Isn’t it funny that Oliver said them? Does that happen, siblings having the same way of talking? Nick and him did it often too, using the same turns of phrases, thinking the same thoughts. A language they’d spent years developing until it flowed simply, sometimes without words, a telepathy grown from love. If Nick was gone, did Charlie lose that language forever?

“Charlie,” Oliver said, sounding so much like Tori it threw him for a loop. “Alright?”

Charlie laughed, bitterly. “Not really, no.”

“The doctors said he’s getting a bit better, yeah? I thought the brain swelling went down, which is what they wanted?” Oliver plowed on, like this was an easy dinner conversation. Although maybe based on the dinner’s he’d shared at the Spring home, this might as well be.

“Yes and no,” Charlie said, forcing another bite of food. “They are keeping him in the coma to prevent brain swelling but that doesn’t mean it will. And they won’t know the extent of his brain injury until he wakes up - if he wakes up. And what then? What if something’s wrong? What if he forgets me? They said that sometimes people forget things. Or he might not be able to make new memories, or talk, or walk or do anything.”

“Charlie,” Oliver said, the Tori tone making another appearance. He looked a little upset, like he was annoyed with himself for bringing up Nick’s health. “You can’t keep focusing on the what ifs. They might not even happen.”

“Or they might. Life isn’t some fairy tale, Olly. Bad things happen to good people,” Charlie answered. Because it was true, love doesn’t save all. Love isn’t going to stop brain swelling, or make Nick wake up any faster. Love doesn’t cure illnesses or bring people back from the dead. Love just makes all of those things so much worse. Charlie’s wishes and dreams and prayers weren’t going to do jack shit when it came to Nick’s life. It was so far out of his hands, it made Charlie’s entire body vibrate with the knowledge there wasn’t a single thing he or anyone else could do.

“Right and if it does, you and Nick will get through it. I’ve seen the two of you go through everything - hell, I’ve seen you overcome things your whole life, Charlie. Whatever happens, you two will make it work and it will be fine.”

Charlie hung his head down, sighing. He didn’t think he could handle eating another bite, but he had a feeling Oliver wouldn’t let him go until he finished. Oliver let silence hang for a moment, before he started talking again. He went on, sometimes with his mouth half full, until Charlie’s half of the sandwich was gone. Charlie wasn’t sure what the conversation was about, his brain wasn’t allowing new information to stick. The only thing he could think about was Nick Nelson and the life the two of them might never have.

“Ready then?” Oliver asked, getting up and taking away Charlie’s plate once he’d finished. “Mind if I stick around too? Tori wanted to run home and feed Daisy but if you would rather I not, I can do it.”

“I want you there too,” Charlie said. “Thank you, little bro.”

“Anything for my second favorite brother.”

Nick’s room was a private one, they were paying good money for it too. Nick made more than enough money in semi-professional rugby, they could afford it. The thought of having to share their grief with complete strangers was far too overwhelming. It was hard enough watching nurses come in and out, checking Nick’s vitals and changing IVs and all the other things they had to do. Nick hardly looked like himself, buried under blankets, legs covered in devices set to keep circulation moving, tubes threading from so many spots under the blankets, Charlie couldn’t even count them or tell where they came from.

They had to shave the side of Nick’s head, it was wrapped up but Charlie could still tell how the missing patch of hair looked. They’d have to shave it all off, a buzz cut to make it look good.

Nick would probably hate that. He never kept his hair long, but he didn’t like when it was shaved all that closely. He hated when Charie cut his hair too, always frowning at him at the mere thought of it. Even when Nick was the one doing the cutting, he’d go on about how beautiful and perfect Charlie’s curls were. How he loved running his hand through them. Charlie used to wonder if Nick was jealous, if he wanted his own curls, but Nick never said. And Charlie kept his hair long until it covered his eyes and then he’d huff and puff, until finally letting Nick trim it.

Maybe if Nick died he’d shave his head so he’d never have to remember what it felt like when Nick would touch his curls. Why would he want them? Why would he want such a stark reminder of what he was missing?

Tori and Sarah had to leave when Charlie and Oliver arrived. Only two visitors were allowed and since they weren’t married, Charlie had to count as one of them. It sent him into a tailspin. Should they have gotten married already? Why didn’t they? They talked about it for years, but they were already so comfortable, their lives already intertwined, it hardly felt like a piece of paper mattered.

Tori and Sarah hugged both of them, offered some kind words and then they were gone, leaving the three of them in the quiet of Nick’s room. Oliver went to sit on the small couch Charlie had been sleeping on. It wasn’t comfortable, there was a family room for his use, but Charlie couldn’t bear to sleep anywhere else. They hadn’t slept apart in years, he couldn’t do it now.

Oliver pulled out a book from his backpack as soon as he sat down. Charlie couldn’t blame him. Bedside vigils were not the most exciting thing for anyone, let alone a teenager. It did, however, surprise him that the book Oliver was reading wasa beat up paperback of A Thousand Ships by Natalie Haynes. He didn’t think he’d ever seen his brother read something so… Charlie-like.

“You really don’t have to stay,” Charlie started, after they sat in silence for nearly thirty minutes. Oliver read, Charlie held Nick’s hand and tried not to completely fall apart again. “If I’m cramping your style.”

Oliver lowered the book so Charlie could see his entire face. “You’re not. I want to be here. I just also have no idea what I’m supposed to do besides support you and, I don’t know, hold Nick’s hand? Did they tell you to talk to him? I’ve always wanted to know if that works. We should try and then ask him when he’s alright if he could remember hearing us.”

Charlie smiled, Oliver’s enthusiasm never failed to make him feel a little better. “The nurse said I should, but I don’t know what to even say. I miss you? Come back to me? I love you? I’ve said everything I’ve ever wanted to say to him, you know? I don’t think there’s a topic left untouched between us.”

There was something neither of them had ever actually asked before. Will you marry me? But it was hardly the right time to do it. If Charlie asked that now and Nick died, it would go unanswered forever and that wouldn’t do. He’d rather have never asked it at all.

“Make up stuff,” Oliver said. He stood and walked closer to Nick’s bedside, handing Charlie his book. “Or you can read to him. Don’t tell Tori this but I always preferred when you used to read me bedtime stories.”

Charlie laughed, remembering the types of stories he’d read, they weren’t really typical ones. Tori usually did picture books, Charlie sometimes read Brideshead Revisited. “God, it’s sort of embarrassing that I thought a 9 year old would want to read Jane Austin.”

“I liked it,” Oliver said again. “I mean you and Nick always treated me like a person and not a little kid. You guys took me seriously, even when other people didn’t. I never felt like you guys didn’t want me there - unless you wanted to make out ,but I was too young to understand that part.”

“Oh,” Charlie said, emotions swirling in his chest. He’d never really heard Oliver say things like that. Sure he was close to his brother but not living at home did put a pretty big distance between them. “Do you like this stuff?” he asked, holding up the book.

“Yeah, thanks to you, really. I think a lot of my interests are from you and Tori. Even after you moved out, I just kind of started liking the same things. Maybe it was because I missed you guys and wanted to feel close again, I dunno. But I like it all the same.”

“Sorry if it felt like I was abandoning you,” Charlie said. “I didn’t mean to, I just you know, the house was so overwhelming.”

“And you have a life with Nick,” Oliver said.

“Yeah,” Charlie said softly. “I think that’s what… I guess that's what I’m afraid of, if Nick dies. I’ve built my life around him, I don’t know who I am if it’s not Nick and Charlie. And before you say anything, I know it’s not healthy but…” Charlie gave up on words, turning to look at his person, blissfully unaware of the turmoil Charlie was going through. It was so unfamiliar, this knowledge that Charlie was in pain but Nick wasn’t there to hold his hand, to kiss his forehead, to tell him it’s going to be alright.

They’d never planned for something like this and while Charlie’s over anxious brain had foretold of rugby injuries, he was always able to push it aside because Nick had always been lucky when it came to getting hurt.

Sure, there were some close calls during the Truham and Leed’s days, a few sprained ribs, mild confusion, bloody noses and other bruising during Nick’s years playing. But for the most part everything had been pretty good for them, Nick was strong and he took good care of his body and in turn, it was able to handle the stress of playing rugby. A part of Charlie realized he should have been more prepared, should have been counting down the days since Nick was drafted into the semi-professional league.

Was this all his fault for not being ready? Would anything have changed if they had a plan?

“It doesn’t make you… not a whole person, Charlie. Like, listen I don’t have a Nick in my life like you do but Nick’s my brother too. I know I was young when things happened, but even then, on some level, I always understood how important Nick was to you. Still is.”

“I know, but that’s the point? How do I handle losing the person who holds me together?” Charlie asked, looking back at Oliver. “Sorry, I don’t mean to be angry with you. I keep vollying between being sad and angry, I don’t know which one feels worse. I can’t be mad at Nick because it’s not his fault, but I’m just mad that I wasn’t prepared for this. And I’m sad because I don’t have a life without him! How fucked up is that Olly? The thought of Nick dying makes me feel like I’m going to die along with him.”

He hadn’t voiced that thought out loud until now. He could tell from the way Tori looked at him these past two days that she was scared if Nick died, Charlie would just go along with him.

Everyone must have thought it, their family and friends, that if Nick went, Charlie wasn’t going to be far behind. It’s one thing to think about it repeatedly, but saying it outloud, he was making it real. Now they’d never stop worrying about him, they’d suffocate him with their concern. Nick was the one dying, Charlie’s just tagging along like normal, following Nick’s lead.

He’d follow Nick into the dark.

“You can be both angry and sad, Charlie. I mean, I’m only 19 but it’s okay to have a bit of a menty b when your boyfriend is in a coma, I think it’s allowed,” Oliver said so very casually it took Charlie by surprise. “I mean, like, I think your reaction is okay. It could be worse, Charlie, I think both of us know that. But you’re eating when you can, you’re sleeping, you are taking care of yourself and that’s good. I know it feels like you might die but no one’s there yet. Nick’s alive and he’ll get better. You just have to stop losing yourself, stop going down that dark road and try to keep holding onto something. Me, Tori, Sarah, your friends, even our parents, we’re all here for both of you. You’re not alone, just because Nick’s not awake and holding your hand, it doesn’t mean no one else can.”

“I,” Charlie started, then sighed. His brother, his younger brother shouldn't have to be telling him this. It wasn’t Oliver’s responsibility to carry him like this but at the same time, he was so very grateful for it. He wasn’t sure how he’d ever be able to repay him. “Thank you for saying that. I don’t feel like I’m doing very well but I guess you're right. I have other people to help and I need to hold onto that.”

“Well,” Oliver said, walking back over and plopping down on his couch. “I think you’re doing great and I know Nick will be proud of you when he wakes up. Now, read to us.” Oliver laid across the couch,his feet propped up, ankles hooked over each other.

Charlie opened the book to where Oliver’s bookmark had been, settling himself back into his chair, and started reading.

“Charlie, sweetheart?”

Sarah’s soothing voice and gentle hand to the shoulder woke him from his unexpected slumber. His head was hanging uncomfortably, having fallen asleep sitting in his chair.

“Hm?” he said, opening his eyes and seeing Sarah’s very kind face.

“Why don’t you lay down on the couch? It's more comfortable, I can sit at Nicky’s side. Or better yet-”

“I’d rather stay here,” he cut her off, knowing she was about to suggest he find an actual bed to sleep in. It was late at night, past any respectable dinner time, Oliver having left an hour ago after Charlie read to them until his voice was raw.

“I know you would but Nicky would be upset if you weren’t taking care of yourself, you know he loves you.”

“I know,” Charlie agreed. “I promise I’m sleeping. I just don’t think I can leave for that long, Sarah. Going home was hard enough, not being here for hours? That sounds… too hard. I’m sorry, I’m a bit of a mess and I shouldn’t be so… he’s your son and I’m just being…”

He hated how much he dragged on Sarah, she was the one whose son might never wake up. Stéphane hadn’t yet been by, but David showed his face the day before. They weren’t the best friends in the world but David had mellowed as he got older and Charlie easily left him to visit with Nick alone for an hour or so. He had to respect the real Nelson family, he was just an interloper.

Would Sarah still consider him family if Nick died? Would she want to talk to Charlie or would that be too hard? Would they just exchange holiday cards? Birthday cards? Would Charlie even want to talk to her? Would that bring too many memories?

“Charlie, please don’t feel bad for loving my son this much. You’re allowed to be sad about this, you’re not imposing on me. If anything you’re helping, if you weren’t here… I don’t think I’d be half as put together as I am. You and your lovely family, supporting me and Nicky anytime we need it.”

Charlie snorted. “If anyone’s supported anyone, it’s you and Nick with me. You’ve done so much for me Sarah.” Charlie took a shuddering breath. “You and Nick, you’ve taken care of me and I’m just being so useless right now-”

“Charlie, dear, please don’t say that, I know you’re upset but there’s no need to be so mean to yourself. Situations like this are tough on anyone.”

“I just feel like I should have been better prepared, Sarah. He’s been playing rugby for years, we should have had things in order. Maybe even a will or whatever, but we’ve got nothing. I have no idea what I’m going to do without him. What we’re going to do without him. He’s my sun, I don’t…”

Charlie felt terrible laying all of this out on the line, suggesting that Nick might not make it, but Sarah felt like the only person he could say this to. She’d always been an open door for him, someone who never shied away from Charlie, even when he felt like he deserved it.

“Sorry,” he found himself saying. “I’m just sorry. I shouldn’t be doing this to you.”

“C’mere,” Sarah said, holding her arms out, waiting for Charlie to stand up. She pulled him into a hug, one that he desperately needed. Life without Nick’s hugs didn’t feel right. He thought the years they were separated by uni was tough but Nick was only physically far away. Now Nick is inches from his touch and he can’t get a hug. The thought made him want to cry again, what if this was what life would be like now? What if he’d never hug Nick again?

“It’s alright,” Sarah cooed in his ear. “You’ll be alright.”

The tears finally came back, overflowing his eyes as he clung to her. Why did he have to break down like this? He should be stronger, he needs to be stronger. “Charlie,” she said again. “It’s okay, you don’t need to be the strong one. We can support each other.”

He must have spoken out loud.He was sobbing, so much so he almost felt like he’d collapse if Sarah wasn’t holding him. “I’m so scared,” he admitted in between sobs. “I’m so scared.”

Sarah soothed him, rocking them gently back and forth until his tears dried up again. Finally pulling back, she walked them to the couch, sitting side by side, her arm around his shoulder. She pulled Charlie’s head to her shoulder and he felt like a teenager again. Days when missing Nick at uni was too hard, so he’d go to their house, sit on the couch and Sarah would tuck him close just like this.

“I’m sorry I’m not strong enough for us,” Charlie said and she tsked.

“None of that my love, none of that. You’re plenty strong, you just need some support. And that’s what we’re going to do, we’ll support each other no matter what happens. I know my Nicky loves us, he wants to come back to us and he’ll do anything for you.”

“I should have married him,” Charlie admitted. “Then he’d know I loved him for sure. I have a ring, it’s upstairs in our room and I’ve wanted to Sarah, but nothing is ever perfect enough for him. I just kept waiting for a moment and now… it might be too late.”

“Nick knows you love him, he’s known since he was 15, Charlie. The two of you have been together for an eternity, there’s no doubt that you are soulmates.”

What would life be like without his soulmate? All of these things people keep saying, it’s not comforting. It’s just more daggers into his heart, more reasons why losing Nick would mean losing everything. Who is he if he’s not part of Nick & Charlie? How do you exist without part of your heart? How do you exist without an extension of yourself? Without a heart how the fuck do you even stay alive?

How would he sleep without Nick’s snoring? How was he supposed to simply wake up one day without Nick Nelson? Charlie couldn’t even remember his life before Nick, it was empty, devoid of color and light and laughter and love. Would all of that simply go away? What would stop the darkness Charlie harbored his whole life without Nick’s lighthouse?

“What are you thinking?” Sarah asked him, derailing his thoughts. “I can tell you’re spiraling.”

“I can’t lose him,” Charlie said weakly. He couldn’t put into words all of his thoughts. “Sarah, he can’t die. I’m so scared of what will happen to all of us.”

Sarah didn’t promise him anything, she didn’t tell him Nick would wake up and be Nick again or that Charlie’s fears were unfounded. Instead she held him close, her hand running up and down his back and arm, soothing motions that calmed his inner turmoil. “We’ll be okay,” she offered. “We’ll take this one day at a time. That’s the best we can do.”

Tori was with him when the doctors came in with an update. Sarah had gone to the airport to pick up her sister’s family; they’d flown in to visit Nick. Their friends had come by that morning, in groups of two to come and sit with Nick as Tori took Charlie back to their house once again. She didn’t leave him alone, sat outside the bathroom door while he showered, hovered by the bedroom while he changed. Sat next to him while he swallowed an entire sandwich and a protein bar.

And now, when the doctor was ready to deliver the news, she sat beside him on the couch, holding his hand.

“We’ve seen some positive progress. The swelling in Nick’s brain is decreasing, as we’d hoped it would. This is a good direction to be moving in and it also means we can slowly reduce the sedation.”

“He’s going to wake up?” Charlie asked.

“Eventually, yes, it takes some time. We use a gradual process to make sure everything’s safe. Nick’s going to be a little disoriented and confused, he won't remember very much from his experience.”

Charlie blinked, Tori squeezed his hand. He opened his mouth to ask another question but nothing came out.

Nick was going to wake up.

“Do you know if he’s… if his brain is okay?”

“He shows signs of brain activity, which is positive. However, until Nick wakes up, we aren’t able to assess his condition fully. As he does so, we’ll be able to see his response to stimuli and his communication.”

“He can still… he still might not be okay?” Charlie eventually asked, when his voice found him. He thought everything would be fine once they knew Nick was able to wake up. Why wouldn't this end?

“The fact that we're able to wean him off this medication is a good sign. It means Nick’s brain is getting stronger. We won’t know for sure about Nick’s mental capabilities until he's properly awake.”

Charlie lost the plot soon after, his brain going blank as he stared at Nick’s body. This was supposed to be good news but the outcome was still so uncertain. Nick might wake up now but it might not be over. How much longer could he live in this limbo?

“You alright?” Tori asked, some time later, Charlie wasn’t sure when the doctor left or what else was said. He was just sitting on the couch, Tori pressed up next to him.

“No,” he said laughing. “The fuck not.”

“Alright then,” she said. “It’s good news, Charlie. I think you should focus-”

“When the fuck did you start looking on the positive side of things, Tori? Nick might still be brain dead. He might have forgotten I existed-”

“Charlie, shut up. I know you’re hurting right now but you’re going to spiral again and Nick doesn't need that. I don’t need that either. They are going to start weaning Nick off his medication today and if he wakes up, you need to be there and hopeful.”

“Not my job.”

Nick was the ray of sunshine, the never-ending positivity.

“Well, it is now,” Tori said. “I know this sucks but you’ve got to try, Charlie. You’ve got to know in your heart that you’ll have Nick back.”

Charlie snorted. “You’re out of character right now, Victoria.”

“This isn’t a story, Charles. It’s real life and sometimes you’ve got to give something a try and hope for the best. If something does happen, I can’t - Charlie I can’t lose both of you.”

Time spent just between the two of them was usually Charlie’s favorite thing but left alone with this Nick was too difficult. At least when Charlie was alone in the house, he was only haunted by the ghost of NIck and he wasn’t forced to actually look at him, to see just how silent and still he’d become.

He’d begged Tori in tears the last few nights to stay and while she had, she couldn't anymore. She had her own life to handle, hers wasn’t in a coma in a hospital room. Sarah too–Charlie couldn’t ask her to keep sleeping on the cot, couldn’t keep needing her to take care of him.

The hospital wasn’t a very quiet place, the room was alive with the heart rate monitor and other equipment. The hallway was alive with people, nurses and patients, all of them talking and moving around.

Nick’s room felt like a tomb when it was the two of them. Charlie had his chair pulled up to the bed, his hand slipped under Nick’s large one.

“Should I talk to you?” Charlie asked in a whisper, leaning his head towards the bed. “I dunno if it’s worth it. They said you should be waking up soon, if you’re going to. And then what, right? You might be… you might not know me, or yourself anymore. Is talking to you going to make the difference?”

He rubbed his finger on the top of Nick’s knuckles, where he was safe from interfering with any IVs. Nick’s skin was feeling too dry. “I should bring you some lotion later.” Charlie laughed, shaking his head. “God remember when I found out you were using hand cream as face cream? You’re such a disaster, Nicholas. And cute too, you just kept insisting it didn’t matter. I mean, I guess maybe it doesn’t really? You’re still here, with dry hands, it’s not like using proper cream would have stopped you from getting injured.”

He shook his head, huffing out a breath. “Anyways, I hope you enjoyed the book. I’m not bringing you anything Marvel related, I can promise you that. Olly left the book in case I wanted to finish reading it to you but I dunno. I don’t know much of anything right now, if I’m being honest. I don’t know what’s going to happen to you. I don’t know what’s going to happen to me. You know how much I hate not knowing things, right? It’s my least favorite thing and yet, here we are.

“It could almost be funny the reversal of roles we’ve got going on. Is this how you felt when I was at hospital? When we didn’t know if I was going to do well in program, or even get better at all? You were so brave, Nick. You just kept going, just kept talking to me and acting like you were so sure of it. I don’t think I’ve ever told you but it saved me more than once. There were so many days when I wanted to give up but I’d see our pictures on my wall, or remember your voice telling me you couldn’t wait to have me home again. You were so sure I’d come back, it felt like I had no choice but to just do it.

“So Nick, you have no choice. You’re going to be okay. You’re going to wake up and say hi to me, hold my hand, maybe cry a bit, but you’re going to come back to me. We’ve got so much to do, we haven’t really even trained Daisy all that well. We haven’t gone to Disneyland. We haven’t joined the mile high club. You haven’t beaten me in Mario Kart. If you’re not here, who's going to cook the eggs the way I like them? Who will keep me company when I have a nightmare? A bad day? Who will sing me French lullabies when I can’t sleep? I don’t know how to live alone, Nick. I don’t know how to wake up and be a person if it’s not with you. And maybe that makes us codependent and terrible but I don’t care anymore. I want to spend the rest of my life being carried up steps by you. Capturing spiders because you’re too scared and don’t want to kill them. And I lied Nick, I did like Marvel movies but it’s so much fun to tease you. Who am I going to tease? No one gets me like you do. No one loves me like you do. No one will ever touch me like you do, I don’t want anyone to touch me like you do.

“And if you can’t come back just for me, then come back for Sarah; your mum loves you so much, Nick. Come back for Tori and Olly–you know he said you're his favorite brother, right? I’m nothing compared to you. You’ve got to hang out with Tara and Darcy and Tao and Elle and Isaac and all of our friends who love you so much. You have more rugby games to win, although after this I’m not sure I can bear the thought of you playing. Maybe it’s time to retire? You talked about wanting to coach, you’d make a great one, Nick. You can coach kids, you can help them just like you’ve helped me my whole life. I can see it, you know, I can see you being a teacher and the kids loving you. All the mums too, they’ll have crushes on you and flirt and you’ll just keep showing them pictures of the two of us like you do anytime anyone flirts with you.

“You’ve got so much waiting for you here, Nick. Youv’e got a life that needs you in it. I’ve got a life that needs you in it. Remember Nick, when we were kids and you promised me forever and that means forever for both of us. You can’t just - you can’t choose this as your forever. It’s not fair to me and you said you’d never do that. You said that you’d always look out for me and protect me and Nick I need you to do that now. I need you to come back to me. You always tell me it’s okay to want something, to be selfish and right now I’m turning in all my selfish points. This is the one thing I want and I’ll never ask for anything else again as long as you’re here, with me.”

The tears had returned with a vengeance, cascading down his face, blurring his vision. He squeezed Nick’s hand, wishing he could just feel him squeeze back for only a second.

“I never got to ask you Nick, I never got to ask you to marry me. I have a ring, it’s upstairs and I know you have one too because you’re shit at keeping secrets for me. I’ve wanted to propose for months now but it’s never the right time. But Nick, I’m wrong, anytime that I’m with you is the right time. Our entire lives are the right time, Nick. I’m going to ask you, when you wake up, I promise. No hesitation, I’ll ask you right away. You’re going to cry and be annoyed I got there first but that’s my job, yeah? So wake up, Nick, wake up and answer me so we can have our happy ending.

“In movies and TV this is where you wake up now. You crack an eye open and smile and say hi again. That was the first thing you ever said to me, Nick. Remember? When we were kids? You looked up and said hi and my whole life changed. I just need you to say hi again, okay? Just one more time.”

But life wasn’t a movie, or a tv show and Nick remained silent through the night.

Nick first woke up when Charlie wasn’t in the room, because of course he did. He’d run out to eat something; Sarah and Tori had taken over.. When he came back in, Sarah was in tears and Charlie’s world came to a slamming halt.

“What?” he asked, unprepared for the answer.

“Nicky just woke up for a moment, it wasn’t much,” Sarah said. “But he looked at us and smiled and then went back to sleep.”

“The doctors said that would happen,” Tori reminded him.

“I missed it,” Charlie said softly, then the tears overwhelmed him. Tori and Sarah were up in an instant consoling him. “Was he? Did he?”

“It was only a moment, Charlie, we don’t know,” Sarah said, answering his question. “But he’s awake and that’s good, we can go from there.”

Charlie was somewhat relieved he hadn’t been there, he was anticipating so much in Nick just opening his eyes. The moment would have been overwhelming for both of them and Charlie needed to be strong.

Nick woke up a few more times during the day, each time Charlie was glued to his bedside. The first time he saw his husband’s beautiful brown eyes, he cried again, smiling as Nick blinked up at him, mouth moving but no words coming out. “Hi, baby,” Charlie said softly. “You’re alright, you’re alright.”

He looked at Charlie with a lot of confusion but after another moment, he was closing his eyes and falling back asleep. This carried on for what felt like years, but in actuality just a single day. By the start of the second, his awake time was gradually improving in length and substance, being able to squeeze Charlie’s hand back and respond to stimuli around him. The doctors had assessed Nick’s condition and reported a positive prognosis, all signs pointed to his brain making a full recovery.

Each moment Charlie sat through, each time Nick reacted to something, or squeezed his hand, the first time he said Charlie’s name and then his Mum’s, all of it was so overwhelming, Charlie felt like he was drowning once more. If before he was out to sea alone and scared, now he was being bombarded with waves, jostling him around, pulling him further and further from the shore line.

The idea that Nick was going to be okay, that this was over, should have felt so good, but he was struggling to find it in himself. Even when Nick was awake long enough to speak in complete sentences, called people by their names, made eye contact, knew what was happening, it made Charlie feel even more anxious and he could barely get himself to stick around for it.

Before, he couldn’t stand to leave Nick’s side for an instant, and now he avoided being left along with him. If anyone, Nick included, noticed, they didn’t say anything. Maybe they all thought it was the stress of the situation, or maybe they were all focused on Nick, like they should be. He only remained in the hospital for a few more days before he was sent home with a thick stack of discharge papers full of rules and warnings and some pain scripts.

Sarah drove them home, Nick in the front seat, Charlie in the back. He didn’t think he could trust himself to get them home in one piece. She stayed for a bit after arriving, helped Nick get settled on the couch, brewed cups of tea and chatted. But then she was leaving, all too soon for Charlie and then he was alone, in his house with Nick.

The house he thought of as too quiet without him, suddenly became too loud in Charlie’s head with him.

“I can’t wait to see Daisy,” Nick commented. Tori was dropping her back off tomorrow, wanting to give them at least one night to themselves. “She’s going to be so happy.”

“She missed you,” Charlie said, rubbing his finger across the rim of his mug. He was sitting at the opposite end of the couch from Nick, curled up, legs pressed to his chest. Nick was laying with his legs stretched, a blanket made by one of Nick’s aunts thrown over his legs.

“I’m sure she missed you too,” Nick said. He looked so tired, despite all the sleeping he’d been doing. Charlie was ready to suggest they go to bed, around 4 in the afternoon. “Are you okay, Char?”

“Am I okay?” Charlie sputtered. “You’re the one who just left the hospital, Nick. I’m fine.”

“You’ve been acting… I mean I know you were worried about me, Tori and my mom told me all about it, but I can’t help but feel like you’re… avoiding me?”

“I’m not,” Charlie insisted, despite all the evidence to the contrary. “I didn’t leave your side the whole time.”

“Yeah, when I was asleep. Since getting up you’ve barely looked me in the eyes.”

“You weren’t asleep, Nick, you were in a medically induced coma, there’s a big difference. And yeah well, maybe I wanted to give your Mum and others time with you.”

Charlie was trying very hard not to lash out, to keep his temper and voice steady. But now, all the anger he’d felt before was brimming up in him. Nick almost died, the love of his life almost died because of fucking rugby. Because of some stupid, dangerous sport. Charlie’s whole life would have fallen apart without Nick and that too made him so angry. How could he get so tied up in one single person?

“Char,” Nick said, shaking his head. The side of his head they had to shave looked so weird and out of place. Charlie couldn’t help but stare at it. “Please tell me what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” Charlie barked out, laughing. “What’s wrong is you almost died, Nicholas. What’s wrong is I was so beside myself I didn’t leave your side for hours. I didn’t eat, I didn’t sleep. I cried for hours and hours. All I could think about was what would happen if you died. How much I’d lose, how much we’d all lose. Over and over, all I thought about was how I wouldn’t survive without you. No matter what anyone said to me about being strong and resilient, I’m not. The house was too fucking quiet without you. My life was empty without you and I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about it. Everytime I look at you, that’s all I see. I see my entire fucking life wrapped up in one beautiful person who, like everyone else in the world, will one day die. And then I get so mad because I should be happy, right? This was what I wanted, what I begged for but now I just want to run away. I want to hide away and never come out because despite everything, you’re going to die one day, Nick.”

The words flowed out of him, ones he couldn’t stop saying. The tears started up again, rolling down his cheeks and god, Charlie was so done with crying. He never wanted to cry again. He’d even go as far as considering some stupid tear duct removal surgery, if he could. Crying was such a stupid waste and all it did was make him feel worse.

“Oh baby,” Nick murmured, holding open his arms. “Please, Charlie, please come here.”

A moment passed where Charlie almost didn’t crawl into his boyfriend’s open arms, but he moved anyway. As mad as he was at Nick, he couldn’t deny how much he needed him. They hadn’t properly hugged at the hospital, he hadn’t been held to Nick’s chest in days, he hadn’t been completely enveloped by his boyfriend in forever.

And Charlie let go of everything that had been building up. Nestled between Nick’s legs, his head pressed between Nick’s neck and shoulder, he cried and cried. Loud angry sobs, small little sniffles, tears and spit and runny noses and drool, all of it pressed into the small patch of skin where Nick’s neck met his shirt collar. Nick held him, arms wrapped around Charlie, rubbing his back and arm, kissing the top of his head over and over again. Muttering words, most of which Charlie was at a loss to hear but he could feel the vibration of them in Nick’s chest. He could have fallen asleep for all he knew, but he just stayed there, the memories of teenage Charlie crying like this, so scared he’d never be able to pull his life back together. So scared Nick could leave him if he knew how much of a mess he was.

Now he was scared of Nick leaving him for different reasons entirely.

“Sorry,” he croaked out, his voice raw with pain, sniffling and rubbing his hand against his nose. “I’m all snotty.”

“I don’t care,” Nick said and Charlie tipped his head up, to see his boyfriend’s beautiful face, red with tears too. Nick leaned down as Charlie pulled up, so their foreheads could press to one another. It was stronger than a kiss, that action, it meant so much to them. It made Charlie feel safe and found, loved and cherished. “I love you so much, I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with this.”

“S’not your fault,” Charlie said, which was silly because he’d just finished blaming Nick for everything. But now his anger was gone, replaced with a sense of sorrow, and a little bit of embarrassment too.

“Yeah, I mean, I’m the reason why you’re so stressed right now. I’m so sorry I got hurt, Charlie. I know we haven’t talked about it, but I’m considering retiring. I don’t think I even want to move up to the bigger leagues. I want to spend more time with you instead, I want to have a more structured life and not always be traveling or whatever.”

“You don’t have to just because-”

“No, I don’t have to do anything, Char. I want to, I want to… to… settle down with you. Start a family. It’s all I thought about when I woke up, how lucky I was to have you and how I never want to be without you. I’ve been trying not to be too clingy right now because I can tell you’re upset but god, Charlie Spring, I never want to let you go. And I know that scares you but it scares me too because it's the same. If something ever happened to you, I’d lose everything. I’d be lost without you.”

Charlie pressed a wet and admittedly gross kiss to Nick’s lips before lowering his head back down to Nick’s chest. “I begged you to come back to me,” Charlie said softly. “I talked to you, I felt so stupid but I couldn’t hold it in anymore.”

“I heard you, sweetheart, even if I didn’t understand it, I heard you. Don’t you dare think for one second I’d ever not fight my way back to you.”

Feeling braver than he had been before, Charlie still closed his eyes. “I asked you something, well I told you I would ask you something if you woke up.”

“Yeah?” Nick said, sounding breathless, like he knew what was coming.

And this was really not the place and time, they were both tired and emotional, covered in snot and tears. Charlie wanted a beautiful moment for this, one they could tell to their future kids and grandkids. One their friends would giggle about, ones he’d dream about when he was inpatient at 15, alone and missing Nick,and all the nights since.

“Marry me?” Charlie asked. “I told you when you were asleep that I was waiting for the right moment but it’s all right. I just know that I need you and you need me. So why not make it official in some capacity?”

“Yes, Charlie, I’d answer that question yes no matter where or when you asked me. Hell, 15 year old Nick would have said it in a heartbeat.”

“I should get the ring. We both have rings, don’t pretend you haven’t had one for ages,” Charlie said, yawning slightly. He should be more excited but he was bone deep tired. All he wanted to do was stay in this cocoon of happiness, of warmth, love, of protection. In the moment nothing else mattered, he could hear Nick’s heartbeat, feel the rise and fall of his chest, there was no more limbo left. They were together, they had their chance at forever now.

Neither of them moved, they both just settled a little more. Charlie was exhausted, truly, he could feel himself slipping away into dream land. “Rest my love,” he heard Nick mumble from above him, his arms tightening around Charlie’s shoulders, pulling him in. “We've got all the time in the world.”