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I'm Stan marsh, and almost a year ago today, I lost half my family.
It will officially be a year when it hits midnight.
It is now 11:17 pm.
It's weird.
You think people care, but when they only have you, they still say they have nothing.
My sister was burned to death. How she ended up in that situation, I don't want to talk about.
But my mother couldn't take her death and shot herself the very same day.
It secretly hurts still.
Not only mentally but physically too.
My dad's been a lot worse since their deaths. Blames them on me.
Gets drunk
Gets high
Sleeps
Mentally attacks
Repeats.
And it can be draining.
Sometimes it feels like everyone around me is either too busy to notice things, or really fucking dumb.
I like to believe that it's the second option, so that I'm not the only one.
Kyles still there for me, but he pisses me off even when he doesn't mean to.
He tells me things about what he's done recently, since I'm too out of it to even speak sometimes.
But what he doesn't realize, is that to someone emotionally absent, it sounds like bragging in a way.
When he tells me about all the things his mom does for him
Or tells me all the things he's done with his brother.
Hell, even if he says something about his dad, I get pissed that his dad is actually able to do stuff for the family he does, unlike mine.
And I don't mean to get so pissed off, but sometimes anger is the only thing I feel at the moment
And since the only person who seemed to stick up for me fucking died, it seemed like I was mentally on my own
Sure, my dad tried his hardest.
And most the time, he was there. He was there, but he also wasn't.
He was there as randy, but not as a dad.
Actually, he was there as a dad but not as a father.
And there's a bigger difference in that than some realize
Because you only start noticing if it actually affects you.
And I don't wanna sound selfish or self centered at all, but I seem to be the only one who's experiencing that.
Except from butters, mabye, but that's not the point I'm getting at.
The point I'm trying to get at, is that I've had to pretty much fend for myself.
Which I've been struggling to do as it is.
But back to dad, he's not been doing that much recently.
So that's why I don't think he'll mind if I don't leave a note.
I once heard the saying "if you have notes to write then you have reasons to stay", but if I did write notes, then they'd merely be apologies.
So I don't write notes. Because I don't have the energy.
I already lost my energy by trying to figure out where to get a fucking hook and how to attach it to my ceiling. That was hard enough but I managed to go and find some of dads really old but really strong double sided tape that he hasn't touched in ages.
And then I had to find a rope.
And then find out how to tie it probably.
So I hope to God that it works and holds my weight.
Because I don't know how I'll go unnoticed if not.
This sound stupid, I know.
But it's been really hard.
Harder than it seems.
I've been told that 'ill be fine' because all I have to do is make myself my food and get myself to and from school. But they don't see how much more than that there is.
There is having no energy to do anything.
But still having to do things.
Still having to go to school.
Still having to try and get good grades so that the teachers don't ask to talk to my parents and instead get the drunken slump I would have to peel from our couch.
Still having to put up with other people's bullshit.
And there's also things that I didn't have to do before but have to do now.
Make sure I eat.
Make sure dad eats.
Make sure the bills are paid by dad.
Make sure we have food in the house.
Make sure dad has money on his card.
Make sure dad doesn't do something too stupid when drunk.
Try to find a way to get dad some beer before he shouts at me.
Make sure I can still focus on school work
Make sure I can still focus on what remains of a social life.
Make sure I don't lash out at anyone
Make sure I don't relapse.
Make sure I don't get too drunk myself.
Make sure I follow the demanding orders dad occasionally has
And do all this while making sure no one suspects a thing.
It's tough, you know?
And no one seems to get it even if I try to explain it and it's pisses me off, and-
And.. I need to calm down
There's no point getting riled up over things that it is way to late to change now that my mind had been made up about what I'm going to do with myself.
I stare at the hanging noose.
Then at the time.
11:52pm.
8 more minutes before I kick the chair.
A lot can happen in 8 minutes.
But it won't.
Not for me, at least.
I push a little broken chair that my dad got for me ages ago, stand on it and lower the noose around my neck.
Im gonna wait until it's actually midnight until I do it.
So that it can be official that 3 members of the marsh family died on the same date. One a year later
And dad's already mentally gone. I don't think he'll have long when I go and can't get him his things anymore.
So that's it. One died of stupid fault of both her brothers and father's hand.
(Yes, I admit it)
2 died from suicide.
And I predict one will die from lack of self care.
And the Marsh's bloodline will stop.
Just like my heart in 6 minutes.
I feel it start to sting when I inhale through my nose.
My eyes begin to get wet.
I have no clue why.
5 minutes.
I think about the moments I did have that I enjoyed. The ones I spent with Kyle, who I will surprisingly feel sorry for after he hears the news.
I think the only reason I will get found out is either dad gets annoyed that I'm not answering him when he wants something so comes to have a go at me and notices, or Kyle comes to see me when I don't answer his messages or calls
Those would be the only reasons.
Because nobody actually wants to see me, but only gets annoyed when I don't fulfill their requests.
4 minutes.
I'm ready to do this
I've been ready since I first enjoyed how life felt with alcohol.
I hope someone appreciates the fact that I managed to last a while year just so that I could join the rest of my family on the same day they went.
But that's not the reason I'm doing it.
The reason I'm doing it is because if the stress it puts on me and it's gonna happen sooner or later.
3 minutes.
I take a sharp breath.
People say that your brain plays your best memories when you're at the point between life and death.
Mine will probably be if me and Kyle mostly, while we were still young enough to enjoy life together.
Or the enjoyable times before I realized how often my parents argued.
Or mabye even some of the times me and Shelley got along
When I was too young to fuss about what she wanted to do and before I got arrogant.
2 minutes.
I put one foot on the top of the back rest on the chair, ready to flip it sideways and get it out the way at the soonest chance.
I've been waiting for this moment for ages.
So why does it make me feel so nervous?
Am I afraid of the dying part, or the possibility of failing part?
I didn't feel afraid of the dying part since my 10th birthday.
Mabye it's the part where it sets off a sort of domino reaction, causing dad not to be able to do anything for himself and him dying from that. And then no more marshes exist like he wanted them to.
1 minute.
Almost there.
I'm ready to push at any second and rely on the strength of the rope to take me.
I start taking what I hope to be my last breaths.
I'm sorry to anyone who had to live at the same time or area as me.
Because God damnit, was I one fucking pussy with no life who always put everyone down.
30 seconds.
This is it.
My final look at what I've left around me.
15 seconds.
My eyes become baggier.
My leg more ready.
My neck ready to be held.
My throat ready to be choked.
My lungs ready to collapse.
My heart ready to stop.
5.
I look down
4.
I look at my hands.
3.
I inhale.
2.
I shut my eyes.
1.
Nothing.
0.
The blaring of my clock telling it's midnight.
Telling me that I can finally be free.
So I set that freeness to reality as I hook my foot beneath the seat but of the chair and lift and push it forward, out of reach.
The noose immediately tightens around my neck.
I finally feel something.
And it's the last thing that I will feel.
And probably the best thing, too.