Work Text:
The universe does not care for you, you are ether lucky or unlucky. From your very first moments, when you were just a clump of cells in a womb, you already suffered the careless nature of the world. The cells in our bodies are constructed in such a way that random mutation is likely. Evolution creates a million mutated specimen just for one of them to be a little better, the rest will just have to suffer.
When I was a big clump of cells in my mother’s womb. a disconnect between my body and my brain occurred, my brain started developing as a female, but my body started developing a male body. Why this happened is beyond my simple understanding of biology. This is one of the mutations that were not beneficial to the betterment of humanity, so I am left to suffer the consequences of this careless universe.
This simple mutation has formatted my very existence. In my earlier years I didn’t really notice it in a painful way, it was more of a curiosity for what could have been If I was born a girl. But when I reached my teen years, the horrors of this mutation hit me with its cold and careless nature. The male characteristics that were lurking in my genes struck to life. My voice got deeper; hair was growing in all the wrong places. And if all that wasn’t enough, the universe’s careless nature blessed me with alienation. I knew I was not like the others, but I was terrified to admit that to myself or to others.
But my pain grew more and more. The body I once knew as a practical tool for traversing the world, had turned in to a cage. A cage made of my own skin and bones; a cage that shrinks with every day that passes. My body was going in the wrong direction. My skin-cage is sometimes so small I have trouble breathing. And no one is able to see my suffocation from this twisted torture device. The other girls were luckier, they became more themselves; I remember looking at them with jealousy.
Being in my position offers a unique type of mental dissonance. I love being with my girlfriends, but it can also be nerve racking. I find myself on the edge of my seat metaphorically, stressing about not making other girls uncomfortable. A male body can be threatening in and of itself. Therefore, feeling like I am completely part of girlhood can be challenging. This constant self-alienation is exhausting.
As I learnt what I was and what this mutation is called, I saw hope. People in their own skin-cages but they were happy. But I also saw the bad, people saying we are predators, that we are disgusting and worthless.
I have wondered many times about life, and if it is worth it. If I am in eternal torture and despair, why should I continue. And I am still not completely passed that thought.
But I have seen beauty, I have felt loved. Life is not a gift, it’s more like something you find on the ground while you are on a walk. It might not be pretty, but anything can be turned into art. some people find a perfect diamond on the ground, and some find a dirty coin. But that coin can be polished, it takes more effort, but it’s worth it.
So, to all the people in skin-cages. You might have to try really hard to find beauty in your disappear, but when you do, you will be thankful that you tried and did not give up. I will try my best to not give up, and I hope you will to.