Work Text:
The Gazette was a mess by the time Link arrived. Papers had been tossed about, the doors to the back smashed in, and the printing press splintered. Traysi was pacing back and forth in a huff as her assistants cowered from behind the door frames. She was grumbling a storm, muttering something about “yellow journalism” and “the sanctity of press and news”. There were shreds of a newspaper crumpled in her fists.
This worried Link.
Traysi was many things: a snoop, a hard driven woman, but someone to callously and bitterly tear apart one of her creations? That wasn’t the Traysi Link knew. Something was very wrong beyond just the broken and ruined offices. He gave a wave.
“Traysi! What in Hylia’s name happened here?” he asked in a calm tone.
Traysi snapped to, swiveling her neck to glare at the young man. Her expression softened, but only just. She cleared her throat, shaking the scraps of paper at Link.
“ This ,” she responded coldly, crushing the scraps as she spoke through gritted teeth “This is what happened. Some goddess-damned jackass is raking our name and the good name of journalistic integrity through the damned mud! I don’t know who did this or where they are, but when I catch them… ooh, when I catch them… ” Traysi cleared her throat once more. “Sorry. I’m just absolutely incensed over this garbage. Here, take a look.”
She tossed Link an untorn newsletter. Similar in appearance to the Lucky Clover Gazette Newspaper, this paper, titled “The Epona Express”, bore the Inverted Eye of the Yiga Clan over a horse’s head. Link scrunched his face at the symbol and wondered what debased lies lied within its pages.
The columns were…
Not what he had expected to find.
It would be fitting for the Yiga to mirror the Lucky Clover Gazette in formatting and appearance: Headline, News Columns, Rumor Mill, Pikango’s Funnies. This had none of that. Nor did the articles espouse the typical Yiga propaganda or mission statement. There wasn’t even a recruitment column!
(The Gazette had one for the Monster Control Crew, calling for able and strong volunteers to join and come to Hyrule’s aid in these dark times. Surely, the Yiga would have something similar for folks disillusioned with Princess Zelda)
Instead, all he found was indecipherable nonsense regarding blood moons, a long-lost civilization down in the Depths, and a lot of guesswork about the Old Kingdom (much of which was wrong or just flat out incorrect).
An article caught his eye:
“ PRINCESS ZELDA’S BELOVED KNIGHT? OR SECRET MONSTER? :
Hyrule’s Great Hero, Sir Link of Hateno, is many things according to our trusted sources: Strong, courageous, a possible glutton; but We of the Epona Express have firsthand account of a dark secret of this young man:
On the eves of the dreaded blood moons, the So-Called Hero becomes possessed by a strange wolf-like entity, which we of the Epona Express and our trusted sources believe to be the Spirit of the Hero of Twilight, and prowls the countryside devouring anything in its path: cuccos, sheep, unlucky travelers. Our trusted sources even indicate that the Princess keeps this monstrous form on a short leash for her own pers–”
Link tore the paper apart, brows furrowed and knuckles white. Slander, lies, falsehoods seeking to besmirch Zelda’s good name! He turned to Traysi. The woman leaned back on the table with a knowing nod.
“This is, as far as I can tell, just the first copy that’s been printed. Like I said, I haven’t the foggiest who these jackasses are, but we’ve got a real problem on our hands. If this gets out to the general public, the Lucky Clover’s reputation is done for! Not to mention your wife’s and the future monarchy’s, whenever you two decide to get that back up and running.”
“Wha–what are you talking about? Zelda’s not my w–” Link started, only to be cut off.
“Listen, kid, I’m Traysi! Journalist extraordinaire! It’s my job to get the scoop on things for people to know and read. It’s plain as day that you and the Princess are a bit more than you two would like to let on. A man and woman living in the same home for three years together qualifies as a married couple under Hylian law, not to mention those frequent trips to Lover’s Pond and the ‘Ghost of Hateno Village’. Honestly? Worst kept secret in Hyrule. Everyone knows it, even without the Gazette! We’re all just waiting for you two to get your butts back on those thrones in Hyrule Castle.”
Link shied away, looking at some piece of tarp. He hadn’t accounted for Traysi to uncover that information. But she was right, both in regards to him and Zelda as well as this new tabloid thing. Something had to be done about it. Pulling out the Purah Pad, Link logged in a new sidequest: “Exposing the Epona Express”. Traysi suggested scouting out the Yiga hideout or perhaps interrogating a wanderer in disguise for more information, citing the Inverted Eye on the front page.
“Oh, thank goodness you found me, Link!” the false Zelda cried out in joy. “I was so–”
“Yeah, yeah, cut the crap, lady.” Link interrupted coldly, holding up the Express. “You Yiga have a lot of nerve copying the Gazette.”
The copycat let down her guard. The nerve, he says! She ripped the paper out of Link’s, scanning through two articles:
“UNCOVERED DOCUMENTS REVEAL CLANDESTINE AGREEMENT?:
This just in, Dear Reader! Secret documents found in Hyrule Castle by the Zonai Survey Team unveils a dark and sinister secret of the Old Kingdom from over a hundred years ago! As our dear trusted sources tells the Express:
King Rhoam Bosphoramus Hyrule was an illicit and secretive member – NAY, King Rhoam Bosphorus Hyrule was the LEADER of an illicit and secretive organization known to the documents as the Imperial Four! Believe us, Dear Reader, we of the Epona Express are just as shocked as you are to hear this. Prior to the Great Calamity that ended the Old Kingdom, the Imperial Four knew of the existence of the Depths and even had secret dealings with an underground society of Lizalfo-Men who lived there prior to their extinction at the hands of the Great Calamity and the Rogue Guardians under its control. The King, it appeared, swept any and all evidence of the Secret World beneath our feet from even his most trusted advisors and Princess Zelda herself! To what ends the Imperial Four had for these meetings and dealings prior to the Great Calamity, we of the Express may not know at the current, but we shall one day unmask the truth! (See more on page 12)”
“THE LABRYNNA-HOLODRUM HOAX UNMASKED!:
Dear Reader, surely you know of the northern lands beyond the Great Canyons, right? What if we told you everything you thought you knew about the Kingdom of Labrynna and the Republic of Holodrum was a lie? A lie propagated by the Royal Family for centuries? Well, Dear Reader, that is exactly what is going on! Princess Zelda, very much in the know and corrupting our precious youth, is in on this lie and wishes to keep us all in the dark about what really goes on beyond the Great Canyons! There are no such lands called Labrynna and Holodrum! It’s all a great ruse on the part of the Old Kingdom and one snaking its way into our modern times, perpetuated by the Sheikah and others on Her Grace’s pay. That’s right, Dear Readers, anyone you meet who claims to have been to or is from Labrynna by way of the North Sea and Zora’s Domain, or Holodrum by way of the Gerudo Desert, are all paid Noh Actors from Kakariko Village, Gerudo Town, and Zora’s Domain. Even the shining light of Zora’s Domain, Lady Yona of ‘supposed’ Zora Village, is actually born and raised in Zora’s Domain, paid off by her dearly beloved Prince Sidon and Princess Zelda’s Beloved Knight. (see more on page 22)”
The Yiga’s face contorted into disbelief and utter confusion. “Listen, Hero. This ain’t us. I–Thi–I haven’t a clue what this garbage is! WE would be much more professional about this. Not to mention the grammar and spelling errors here! Whoever this guy is, he’s sloppy. Why don’t you check some of the stables? I’m sure your boy’s there writing up his next batch.”
Link caught the balled-up newsletter and keyed in medallions to as many stables as he could, teleporting away into blue string.
The Gerudo Stable was in a complete frenzy as the Epona Express crew worked hard to print out the new publications. Ex-Yiga, merchants, and anyone the group could scrounge up for employment scrambled to place freshly made papers in crates, put new blanks in the press, rearrange the blocks and so on. A shadow blotted the back wall as Link sauntered in, eyes flaring and fists clenched. The workers cowered at his silhouette, which painted him as a much larger figure than he actually was.
“Where’s the boss of this place?”
Fingers pointed to a door on the wall. Entering the back, Link found a small Hylian man with shoulder length black hair and frames standing by the printing press. His shadow alerted the man, who swiveled around, protecting the press in wide-eyed fear.
“Wah! Oh, Link! H-how…” Bozai paused to lick his dry lips before lowering his voice an octave to seem much more professional. “How can I help you?”
Link threw the newspaper and pointed at the press.
“You can help me by shutting down this operation, giving Traysi that printing press, and hightailing it out into the Gerudo Desert! This “Epona Express’ newsletter is going to make a mockery of the Princess and of Hyrule. I mean listen to this:
“STRANGE CARD-SHAPED GHOSTS SEEN IN RANCH RUINS!:
Dear Reader, We have just received reports from our most trusted sources that strange apparitions have been spotted in the old Ranch Ruins. These ghosts, which many eyewitnesses say resemble the ace of spades from playing cards (which are very illegal by the way, if you believe the Princess) with glowing yellow eyes and horrific hissing sound accompanied by a dangerous gloom-like green mist, seem to only come out at night. Strangely enough, Stal creatures avoid the ranch around the hours in which these apparitions appear: around 2:30 in the morning all the way up to 3:30. (See more on page 47)”
“What in Din’s name is this garbage? Ghosts? At the Ranch? I’ve been there several times during those hours and there have never been any ghosts , Bozai. Shut. It. Down.”
Bozai scowled and hunkered down in his stance, stating that the people needed to “see the truth! See the reality of what is!”. Link stamped his foot and took a step forward, breaking Bozai’s bravado.
“B-b-bu–” he stammered, cowering in the corner.
“You heard me. Shut it down and give me that press!”
“You’ll have to catch me first, shortstack!” Bozai cried as he made for a beeline out the door, forgetting to take into account Link standing in the doorway and was promptly tackled into a nearby bookshelf. Groaning as sheets of paper fell on him, Bozai’s hands were tied, the bookshelf removed, and the press taken by the arbiter of the Princess’s will.
Traysi slapped her brand new press as she tossed Link a purple rupee. Link caught it as he took his foot off Bozai’s back. The reporter hoisted the man off the ground and grimaced. She should have suspected Bozai of all people would be dragging her paper into the mud. The slimeball.
“I know just what to do with you, pal…” she hissed through gritted teeth.
Bozai quavered and trembled, breath growing shallow. “Mercy…please…” he shakily asked in a quiet voice.
“Ain’t no mercy here, Bozo.”
“Bozai.”
“Whatever. You ain’t gettin’ none.”
Bozai flailed uselessly as he turned to find Link walking away from the Gazette. Link ignored Bozai as he called out for him. Link crossed off the sidequest and teleported back to a trailing medallion on the pad’s screen. He vanished amid screams of terror and sobbing cries.
Link sat underneath the pavilion on the incline of the cottage, skimming through the rest of Bozai’s nonsense. It was pure idiocy, of course, but even he had to admit it was at least entertaining. His eyes skimmed through two last pieces that made him snort:
“SECRET ZONAI ORIGINS REVEALED!:
Dear Readers, our trusted sources within the Zonai Survey Team have been hard at work to uncover the origins of the mysterious Zonai civilization. What they found will shock you to the core, just as it shocked us!
The Zonai, believed by mainstream science proponents like Tauro and the group out in Kakariko, are said to have inhabited the sky islands above our heads with the strange machinery which now litter the land several millennia ago. They are said to have either been subsumed by the nascent Hylian populace or wiped out by the First Great Calamity 10,000 years ago.
However, our trusted sources have found new evidence that completely upends everything those ‘archeologists’ in Kakariko say!
As it turns out, the Sky Islands are not the original home of the Zonai civilization! Instead, they hailed from a far off and long-gone landmass known as Crescent Island where they lived alongside a race of lizard folk called the Tokay. With their incredible powers, the Zonai launched an invasion and subjugated much of Hyrule, taking its resources for themselves! Unfortunately, seeing as Hyrule is the chosen land of Hylia, the great Goddess herself saw this act as heresy and wiped out Crescent Island and the Islanders in a single night! Leaving only the Sky Islands as the sole proof the Zonai were ever among us. (See more on page 27)”
“IMPERIAL FOUR-CLERGY COVER UP?!:
Readers of our esteemed newspaper, a startling development has come out of the secret documents! One that could change the very way we look at religion at large! Our trusted sources tell us that the documents which point to the clandestine Imperial Four also speak of a horrifying revelation about the Triforce and Hyrule’s very metamorphic existence! The secret documents that our trusted sources tell us that Hylia and the Golden Goddesses (Din, Nayru, and Farore) are not, in fact, gods, but beings that boldly came from beyond the stars with technology that dwarfs even the Zonai. The mythic Triforce is but a powerful construct capable of warping reality to its very whim, attuned to only the blood of the Princess, the soul of the Hero, or the wicked sorcery of the Demon King!
It appears that King Rhoam and his accomplices hid this world-shattering revelation far beneath the Temple of Time with the help of the Clergy in some secret archives. If this revelation turns out to be true, how can we trust the Princess and the sham lineage she wishes to carry on with her beloved knight? Is Hyrule all a great lie? (See more on pages 5 and 6)”
Link laughed as he carefully folded the newsletter, setting it to his right. Zelda might find it just as entertaining as he did, or he might take pleasure in watching her methodically tear it apart. He took the proper journal of the Lucky Clover and flipped the pages to the funnies. He wanted to see what misadventures Bob the Bokoblin and the Hunter got into in this week’s strip.