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Xiao Zhan stands at the foot of a towering rock wall, his head tipping back and back as his eyes travel up its face. He drops his pack to the ground and lets out a low whistle. “Oh, I don't know about this, Yibo.”
“Relax, Zhan-ge,” Yibo says, patting Xiao Zhan's well-muscled back comfortingly. “It'll be just like we practiced in the gym.”
“But it’s nothing like we practiced in the gym! There are no candy-colored plastic holds to tell me where to put my hands and feet.”
Yibo laughs, and the croaking sound of it melds into the pulsing background song of cicadas, the rustling of the trees all around them. Yibo loves his job at the climbing gym, but he feels so alive when he’s out in nature like this, drinking in the wildness of it all, reveling in the way it tests his limits. There isn’t anything quite like it, and he’s excited to finally be able to share this experience with the man he loves.
“Ge, I promise you, this is going to be so much better than pulling plastic in the gym.”
Xiao Zhan turns to stare at Yibo, and a sly smile pulls at the corners of his lips. “Pulling plastic.” He shakes his head. “Why do you make that sound so dirty?”
“Clearly, you’ve learned to associate the gym with sexy times with your sexy boyfriend,” he smirks.
“You’re the worst.”
“You mean the best.”
There’s a pause, and then Xiao Zhan nods. “Yes,” he says, his gaze going all soft and fond.
“Ge~” Yibo swoons, as he always does when Xiao Zhan looks at him like that. It’s been a little over two years since they met at the climbing gym, and Yibo is as helpless as ever in this man’s presence.
An endearing blush rises on Xiao Zhan’s cheeks before he turns away, clearing his throat as he points at the rock face looming before them. “So, ah— you’re telling me this is just a 5.7? It doesn't look like a beginner route to me! It’s so… high? Are you sure we've hiked to the right place?”
“Well, remember that outdoor climbing grades aren't really equivalent to indoor gym grades, so I wouldn’t pay too much attention to that. But yes, this is the right place, the one I prepared for us to climb today.”
Xiao Zhan gives Yibo a skeptical look. “Don’t you think we should pick something easier for my first outdoor climb? I mean, you said this climb will have two parts?”
“Yes, two pitches. Our rope isn’t long enough to go to the top, but there’s a nice landing halfway up where we can reset.” Yibo rubs Xiao Zhan’s arm reassuringly. “Don’t worry! You can do this,” he says, clenching a fist. “Jiayou!”
Xiao Zhan huffs a weak laugh at this and lifts his own fist in response. “Alright,” he says. “Then remind me how we do this first part.”
“I'll lead,” Yibo says, pointing at the rock wall, “clip the quickdraws into the anchors, and once I get to that ledge up there, I’ll belay for you from the top. It'll be just like top-roping at the gym, you'll see. Trust me.”
“Of course I trust you, Yibo, but this will be my first time belaying for lead, so… do you trust me?”
“With my life,” Yibo grins, pulling his gear out of his pack. “You had the best instructor, after all!”
“That's true. Wang-laoshi is truly the best climbing instructor I could want.”
Yibo's mouth drops open, his eyes wide with mock dismay. “That you could want? Ge, are you saying you don’t actually want me?”
“Aiyoo, for such a tough guy, you really are so needy sometimes,” Xiao Zhan teases. Then his voice turns syrupy-sweet, one perfect eyebrow raised as he slides an arm around Yibo's waist and pulls him close. “Oh, gouzaizai,” he coaxes, cupping Yibo’s face to tip his chin up. “I was wrong. Of course I want you. How could I not?”
It's just a soft press of lips, but Yibo melts into it, delighting in the feeling of being held in the arms of this beautiful man, the heady sensation of his firm chest pressed against his. He sighs happily and tilts his head to the side, baring his neck to invite Xiao Zhan to leave a trail of kisses down to his collarbone.
“Maybe,” he hears Xiao Zhan say in that irresistibly husky voice of his, “we don't need to climb. We could just—”
It physically pains Yibo to do it, but he untangles himself and takes a reluctant step backwards. “No no,” he says, wagging a finger. “You're not getting out of this, Zhan-ge.”
A quizzical, almost pouty expression blooms over Xiao Zhan’s face. “Wow, you're saying no to making out? That's new. You must really want to see me struggle with this climb, to have a laugh at my expense.”
Yibo brings his hands to his chest like he’s been wounded. “I would never! You can do this. I just want you to get to the top before it gets too late. The view is really stunning. I want you to have enough time to enjoy it.”
Xiao Zhan bends over to pick up his pack, reaching in to take out his harness. “Alright then, I'll put myself in your capable hands.”
“Well, technically, I’m putting myself in your hands first,” Yibo says as he steps into his harness and tightens the buckles, then straps on his helmet.
While Yibo counts out the quickdraws and starts clipping them to his harness, Xiao Zhan examines the rope and attaches the belay device to it, then clips it to his own harness. He ties a knot on one end of the rope, then hands the other end to Yibo and watches him secure it to his harness with a figure-8 knot. Yibo doesn’t need his help with this step, but checking each other’s work is all part of the safety ritual.
Yibo looks over Xiao Zhan’s preparations, and when they’re both satisfied it’s been done correctly, Yibo steps up to the wall. He runs his hands along the dips and hollows of the wall, just to feel them out, then turns to look at Xiao Zhan. “On belay?”
“Belay on,” Xiao Zhan replies, tugging on the rope to confirm once again that the rope is fastened securely to his harness through the belay device.
Yibo reaches into his chalk bag and dusts up his hands. “Climbing,” he announces, and digs his fingers into a crevice to prepare to step up.
“Climb on,” Xiao Zhan responds, and Yibo knows without looking that Xiao Zhan is holding his hands out to catch Yibo in case he should slip off the rock wall before he is able to climb up to the first anchor and clip in. Once the carabiner on the first quickdraw clicks shut behind the rope, he hears Xiao Zhan exhale audibly.
“You’re doing great,” Yibo calls out as he makes his way up. He knows how conscientious Xiao Zhan is, and how worried he is about belaying for Yibo for the first time outdoors, so he wants to encourage him and reassure him that he’s doing a good job. He wants Xiao Zhan to keep climbing outdoors with him, after all.
It used to annoy Yibo so much when his parents fussed over his thrill-seeking habits, but somehow when it’s Xiao Zhan urging him to be careful, it makes his heart clench a little. In a good way.
He understands his parents’ worries now because he feels those warring urges too: the desire to watch Xiao Zhan spread his wings and fly — at the same time he wants to encase him in bubble wrap and hide him away, to keep him safe.
Yibo wasn’t looking to tie his heart to someone like this. He’d been too busy experiencing the world, and didn’t want to have to worry about anyone else or have to deal with someone worrying about him.
But then he met Xiao Zhan, and nothing has ever been the same. There’s a new dimension to his life now. What he does is not just for himself, but also for the person he loves most.
He thinks about this as he chalks up and reaches for the next hold. The chalk isn’t really necessary; the rock is nice and dry, and it’s a pretty forgiving climb, with many good edges and dips to grab a hold of. But Yibo also knows that the chalk from his fingers will mark the features that Yibo uses to make his way up the wall — marks that Xiao Zhan can use when he follows Yibo up.
It’s not that Xiao Zhan needs the hints to climb this wall. For all the concern Xiao Zhan had expressed at the start of their trip, Yibo knows it’s mostly false modesty. Xiao Zhan is a strong climber, and is every bit as steely in his resolve to master new skills as Yibo is. It’s one of the many traits they share, something Yibo admires so much in Xiao Zhan.
Even so, Yibo knows this is Xiao Zhan’s first outdoor climbing trip, so the chalk marks are a great way to calm any nerves he might have — in a way that won’t feel patronizing to him. Xiao Zhan has a competitive streak that rivals Yibo’s. So Yibo knows he would want to feel like he’d conquered this wall on his own.
When Yibo reaches the first landing, he carefully pulls himself up, then clips himself into the anchors there so that he has the leverage to belay Xiao Zhan from the top of the climb. He watches carefully as Xiao Zhan removes his belay device and uses a figure-8 knot to secure the rope end to his harness. When he’s done, Yibo feels a tug on the rope and hears Xiao Zhan’s voice call up: “On belay?”
Yibo attaches a belay device to his end of the rope and clips it to his harness. “Belay on.”
Xiao Zhan’s voice wafts up from below. “Climbing!”
“Climb on,” Yibo calls back, smiling.
It’s the same call and response he does with anyone he climbs with, a time-honored ritual of climbing everywhere. But with Xiao Zhan, somehow it’s imbued with more meaning.
Climb on, he’s telling him. I’ll always be here to catch you if you fall.
As Xiao Zhan starts up the wall, Yibo watches him closely, admiring the fluid and methodical way that he climbs. Sometimes he chooses to use the chalk-marked holds that Yibo had used. But other times, he will choose another path, perhaps seeing another solution, something that suits his strengths and skills better. Yibo loves this about climbing, how each climber can find their own way up.
“Jiayou!” he calls out as he takes up the slack, the rope between them shortening and shortening until finally Xiao Zhan reaches the ledge where Yibo is standing. Yibo keeps one hand firmly on the rope and offers his free hand to Xiao Zhan to help him up.
“Thanks,” Xiao Zhan says breathlessly, clapping his hand into Yibo’s open palm. It’s more than a little distracting, the way Xiao Zhan’s chest is heaving, the swell of his forearms, but Yibo knows they have to stay focused on the next stage of the climb.
Yibo helps Xiao Zhan clip into an anchor, then gathers the rope, neatly draping it over his shoulders as he checks it for any damage. He looks up at Xiao Zhan, searching his face eagerly. “So how was it?”
“You were right,” Xiao Zhan says, his expression lit up with the glow of exertion and the joy of accomplishment. “It wasn’t that bad!”
Yibo lets out a happy sigh of relief. “Told you. You were awesome! Ready for the next pitch?”
Xiao Zhan nods, still breathing hard as he peeks over the edge of the landing. They’re both securely anchored in, but there’s not much room to maneuver. “Please tell me that the top of the climb is less precarious than this?”
“Oh, definitely,” Yibo assures him. “We’ll get to unclip and stretch our legs, enjoy the view.”
“Then let’s go.”
The second pitch goes quickly; Xiao Zhan is much more comfortable with the whole process now, climbing with more confidence and expertly clearing away the quickdraws that Yibo had set on his way up. Yibo watches Xiao Zhan as he finds his hand holds and sets his feet. He lets himself drink in the intense look of concentration on his face, the ripple of muscles on his arms and shoulders as he pulls himself up the wall.
Yibo thinks back to when Xiao Zhan had first caught his eye in the gym. Anyone could see how effortlessly handsome he was, and Yibo had admired his tenacity on the wall as well. But it was when they’d started spending more time together that Yibo quickly discovered that Xiao Zhan was as beautiful inside as he was on the outside, that they shared more than just a love of climbing.
He looks down at his hands, at the rope that holds them together in a bond of trust. Of course he takes this role seriously for all of his climbing partners, but he would be lying if he said that he didn’t see this connection he has with Xiao Zhan differently.
Yibo desperately wants this bond with Xiao Zhan to endure as long as he lives.
Xiao Zhan climbs past the 13th anchor and finally levers himself over the top of the wall. Standing up on shaky legs, he holds his arms up in triumph and lets out a loud whoop.
“I did it! My first outdoor climb!” he cries, his ecstatic shouts echoing over the trees and across the valley stretching below. Then he drops his arms and staggers cartoonishly. “Oh my god,” he laughs, gripping Yibo’s shoulder. “That was so hard! My arms are jelly.”
“You did great, ge! And look, here's your reward,” Yibo says, tugging Xiao Zhan around to the west side of the rocky platform. From there, they can see the sun hanging low over the horizon, painting the wispy clouds with touches of purples and golds.
“Wow,” Xiao Zhan breathes. “Look at that,” he murmurs. “Amazing.”
Yibo leads Xiao Zhan over to a large rock, and they sit down together, admiring the view, the patches of green trees and vegetation climbing up and around other stony towers.
So many other challenges they can take on, together.
They sit in silence for a couple of minutes, just leaning into each other until the sun starts to kiss the mountaintops in the distance. Xiao Zhan lets out a contended sigh and reluctantly pulls up to his feet.
“Thank you for this, Yibo. But we’d better hurry if we want to make it back down before the sun sets.”
Yibo tugs on his sleeve. “No no, sit, Zhan-ge. I know you love sunsets. Please.”
“But we can’t climb back down in the dark.”
“I brought headlamps, so we can, but — we don’t have to.” Yibo reaches behind another large rock and pulls out a pack.
“What—? Did someone leave that here?”
“Yes,” Yibo smiles. “Jackson did.”
“He did? Why?”
“So we could camp here.” Yibo zips open the pack and pulls out a bundle of nylon fabric.
Xiao Zhan gapes. “Is that a tent?”
“Yeah. Sorry it's just a simple two-person tent. I know you’d prefer to bring a whole house up here, but—”
Xiao Zhan swats him across the arm. “Brat.” He shakes his head in confusion as Yibo unpacks some of the other supplies. “Jackson climbed all the way up here to leave this? For us?”
“I mean, yeah, but not by himself. He brought a couple of friends to help. They made it a climbing trip, so don’t feel bad or anything. They had fun!”
“But why?”
Yibo turns to Xiao Zhan and takes his hands. “Because— well, it's been two years, Zhan-ge. Two years since you came into my life. So I wanted to do something special, to share this place with you.”
“Oh Yibo—”
“Shhh,” Yibo says, pointing at the horizon. “Let’s not miss this moment.” Together, they watch as the sun dips behind the far-away mountaintops and the sky deepens into dramatic purples and golds and reds.
“What is it that you love so much about sunsets, ge?”
“They’re just… incomparably beautiful in a melancholic way,” Xiao Zhan says quietly, his eyes still gazing at the sky, now quickly fading into shades of dusky grey. The air cools around them and Xiao Zhan shivers. “There’s a desolate feeling, and I just like that ‘about to disappear’ feeling.”
“I don’t ever want you to disappear,” Yibo whispers.
At this, Xiao Zhan turns to face Yibo. “I’m not going to—” He gasps. “Yibo?”
“Ge,” Yibo replies, his voice breaking, one knee aching where he’s kneeling on the hard rock, but he doesn’t care about that. He opens a small box and holds it out, a golden band glinting in the waning light.
“Xiao Zhan,” he chokes out. He can barely get the words out through the lump in his throat. “I love you. I want you to be my climbing partner, always. I want to be tied to you forever, to be there to catch you if you fall, to be there for all of your triumphs and your struggles. I want us to climb together to the top of mountains and sit side by side together to enjoy a beautiful sunset, night after night. To camp under the moon and stars with you. Will you - will you marry me, Zhan-ge?”
Before Yibo has finished talking, before the last words are past his lips, Xiao Zhan is nodding breathlessly, eyes wet, a trembling smile on his face.
“Yes, Yibo, yes, YES,” he cries, reaching out to pull Yibo to his feet.
Yibo stumbles forward, his heart pounding with wild joy.
He said yes. He said yes!
The ring box slips from his fingers, and Yibo yelps, grabbing at it before it can fall to the ground. “Wait, Zhan-ge, wait! I need — I need to make this official,” Yibo stammers, fumbling with shaking hands to slip the ring onto Xiao Zhan’s finger. It’s not the easiest fit, not with all the fresh calluses on Xiao Zhan’s still-chalky hands, but when Xiao Zhan holds his hand up to admire the ring, it’s the most beautiful sight he’s seen all day.
No, make that the second most beautiful sight, Yibo thinks as Xiao Zhan turns to him, his face lit up with one of his heart-stoppingly beautiful smiles, bright like a sunrise, shining tears of happiness glistening in his eyes.
“Now,” Yibo instructs, folding Xiao Zhan’s hands in his, “remember that you can’t wear this when you climb because you might catch it on a rock, so I bought a chain that—”
“Stop, Yibo stop,” Xiao Zhan laughs. “I love you, but please stop with all the safety talk and kiss me, you fool!”
Yibo doesn’t need to be told twice. Smiling, he sweeps Xiao Zhan into his arms and they kiss, full of joy and sweetness, mixed with the salt of tears and sweat. It’s the intoxicating taste of living life to the fullest, and Yibo wants to chase this feeling every day. Life can only be lived once, after all.
Now he has Xiao Zhan to conquer new firsts with, and Yibo can see his future — their future — unfolding before him, hold by hold, peak by peak. Holding tight to Xiao Zhan, he can’t wait to take on these new adventures, together.
Climb on.
