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Nami’s apartment was usually full of people every Friday night – she and Vivi liked hosting, be it dinners, movie or board game nights, the girls were always organising something for their friends. It was an easy way to keep the group together. But they made an exception by inviting someone over on another day – a Tuesday. Unbeknownst to Luffy, he had been lured into a very needed intervention.
He sat down on one of the armchairs in the living room, eyes already glued to the TV screen. On the sofa, Vivi and Nami were cuddled up under a blanket, at first glance it was hard to tell where each of their bodies began and ended. Luffy watched as some characters argued on screen, and though he was missing most of the context of the conversation, he got invested quickly.
He was too engrossed in the movie to notice Vivi and Nami share a meaningful look before Nami cleared her throat. It was time.
Her face peaked from over the sofa’s arm, as she disentangled herself from Vivi and rested her head on it, eyes fixed on Luffy. “So, I’ve noticed you and Sanji have been going out more.”
“Yeah! It’s been lots of fun, we went to an amusement park last weekend, it was great.”
They’d noticed. Everyone in the group had. Luffy and Sanji had grown closer over the past couple of weeks. To no one’s surprise, they had made it official shortly after Luffy casually mentioned that he had feelings for Sanji – and so their relationship started. They fell into clear cut roles rather quickly, not too different from how their usual dynamic went. Sanji tended to his boyfriend’s every whim, and Luffy… Well, Luffy was Luffy.
Nami had seen it, she’d seen the effort Sanji put into everything. Just like in most things, Sanji poured his heart and soul into the relationship, and Luffy was mostly oblivious. Despite being a very emotionally intelligent person, Luffy missed a lot of details.
“Mm-hmm,” she hummed, “and who’s been planning most of the dates?”
Luffy paused for a second, tallying each of their latest plans in his head, “Sanji, I think, he’s really good at that kind of stuff! He organises everything so well.”
“Mm-hmm”, she repeated, and by that point Luffy could recognize the hint of disapproval in her tone, “So Sanji’s been doing everything then?”
Luffy’s eyes widened, “I guess so… when it comes to planning he’s just always the one to have the ideas first.”
Nami sighed, “Luffy, maybe he always has to come with ideas first because you aren’t bringing any to the table.”
Vivi piped up, “I think what Nami means is that Sanji might feel you aren’t putting in equal effort. If you’re never the one to bring up going on a date or the one to bring things together then how can he tell that you’re just as invested in spending time together as he is?”
Luffy grew silent. Now that they put it that way, Sanji really had been taking charge of the relationship. He hadn’t really thought about it before, he loved being in Sanji’s company, even when they were doing nothing special, but Sanji always made an effort to specifically plan dates, find time for them to do new stuff. If he never planned anything, never took initiative, would Sanji become unsure that Luffy felt the same way about him?
“That won’t do,” he murmured to himself, “You’re right. I should take charge for once and plan something for us!”
He jumped off the armchair, there were already a couple of ideas coming to mind. “Thanks Nami, thanks Vivi!” he said, body already halfway out the door, on the way to research so he could put together a plan.
On the sofa, Nami went back to her original position, resting her head on Vivi’s chest again. She sighed dramatically, “God, if it weren’t for me, I swear those two idiots would be doomed.”
Vivi giggled, placing a kiss on her girlfriend’s forehead, “Despite your complaints, you know you love them.”
Nami groaned, “I know.”
***
Sanji was in the kitchen, completely focused on his dish. The sizzle of the pan and the thrum of the stove’s fan were comforting, familiar. Each movement was like second nature to him. His focus was slightly shifted when Luffy’s arms wrapped around his torso. “It smells nice, what are you making?”
Sanji felt his lips tug into a smile, “I’m making pierogi.”
Luffy face scrunched up, “Pierogi? Does it have meat?”
Sanji chuckled, “Yes, mine do. They can be filled with a lot of things but I’m making meat ones.”
Luffy grinned, “Yes! The best ingredient ever.” For a little while Luffy stayed in his place, the sounds of cooking filling the space.
“Actually, I came over because I was thinking we could go out on Saturday,” Luffy said after a moment, his arms still firmly interlocked around Sanji.
“Oh, I’d love to. Should I check what’s going on this weekend?” Sanji said, already making a mental note of all the possibilities. There was a nice farmer’s market but it only opened during weekdays, they’d gone to a park very recently-
He felt Luffy shake his head behind him, “No, I’ll take care of it, I already have an idea of what we could do.”
“Oh, really?” Sanji was taken aback. Luffy almost never showed initiative for these kinds of things.
Sanji had always thought of everything, from arcade dates, to amusement parks, to movie nights to beach days. He’d planned picnics, dinners and barbecues. He’d arranged road trips to beautiful scenic routes where Luffy could burn all the energy he wanted — he’d pack snacks and lunches for his boyfriend to eat while they were out.
Sanji did everything he could to meet Luffy’s every whim. He would give and give and give with the only purpose of feeling loved by Luffy, needed. He was willing to give everything solely to get Luffy’s company in return. He’d become everything to him in just a few months. Luffy had shown him he too was lovable.
Luffy nodded, lips stretching into his characteristic smile, “Yup! Don’t worry about it, I’ll take care of everything.”
Sanji smiled, returning to his task as he cooked, all while manoeuvring around a very clingy Luffy and ensuring he didn’t steal the ingredients. He was pleasantly surprised by the turn of events, and he was excited to see what Luffy would plan for them.
***
The soft vibration of the train lulled him into a relaxed state. If he was sitting next to the window he would’ve rested his head against the cold glass and let himself drift off to the sight of blurred greens. But Sanji was sitting in the aisle seat, as he had let Luffy take the window seat. He was happy to do so, especially considering how excited Luffy looked about what he had planned.
Whatever it was, it required to travel a few towns over, into a rural town that was known for the beautiful scenery that framed its outskirts. Maybe Luffy had planned a hike, or a fishing trip, maybe even a picnic, though Sanji doubted it, as he had not asked him to bring anything specific, or to pack any food. He guessed that whatever his boyfriend had in mind didn’t require much packing, or at least, he hoped so.
Sanji was excited, but more than that he was nervous. Planning all of their dates up until that point had given him a sense of control in the relationship. Not over Luffy. Of course not. But he’d always been a bit of a control freak, and making sure they’d have everything they’d need for a day out was always soothing. So now, sitting on a train holding nothing but his boyfriend’s hand was a bit nerve wracking.
He shook off the thought. He had to trust him.
Luffy, instead of resting against the glass, had his head leaned on Sanji’s shoulder. He was deep asleep, without a worry in the world, it made Sanji wonder how it’d feel to have such a quiet head. It must be peaceful.
The ride took a little over an hour, and despite his multiple attempts to dose off like Luffy, Sanji ended up spending the majority of the ride with his eyes half closed and his head wide awake with anxious thoughts.
The robotic, prerecorded voice announced they’d make it to their destination in a couple of minutes, which was Sanji’s cue to wake Luffy up.
He gently shook the other man by the shoulder, making sure to leave his free hand in front of his head to catch it in case it lolled off.
Luffy woke up with a groan, “Are we there?” He asked while rubbing his eyes.
“Yeah, almost there.”
The breaks of the train started to screech. It made the once peaceful vibration of the movement staggered and unstable.
Luffy looked up at Sanji with sleepy eyes, which made him smile fondly. He had Sanji’s sweater’s knitted print marked lightly on the skin of his left cheek.
“Had a good nap?” Sanji asked.
“Yeah, it was nice,” Luffy said with a wide smile. “I’m excited.”
“I know you are.”
The town was known for its traditional architecture and multiple tourist attractions. The ground was made with smooth cut stones that were glued together with a mix of tar and sand, which made the original dark colour of the material appear lighter in the sun.
“Okay, Luffy, lead the way,” Sanji said, looking into the streets that were lined with white houses with dark red brick roofs and flowery balconies. It was truly breathtaking. Maybe Luffy had gotten them a reservation at a nice traditional restaurant. The possibilities were starting to become endless seeing the vast amount of options the place had to offer.
Luffy grabbed Sanji’s hand to guide him through the streets, his eyes fixated on what appeared to be a map on his phone. Sanji smiled fondly, he really was putting in a lot of effort.
They walked around the narrow streets until they reached the edge of the small town. The houses and buildings started becoming scarce, and the vegetation surrounding them started to look more overgrown.
Eventually Sanji saw a big wooden sign at the side of the street, ‘Botanical Garden 1km away.’ The sight made his heart speed up in anticipation. Was Luffy taking him to the botanical garden? Sanji did like flowers a lot, maybe Luffy was going to take him to one of the tropical exhibits, or to see desert plants, maybe he was taking him to the greenhouse to see amazonian flowers and trees, or maybe he was taking him to the native flower path!
Sanji walked with a small smile on his face, while Luffy was almost bouncing in excitement, swinging their clasped hands like a happy child.
At the ticket booth they were greeted by a young woman. She welcomed them with a smile. “Would that be two tickets?”
“Yes, please,” answered Sanji.
“Would you like to add the seasonal exhibit to that or do you only want access to the permanent exhibits?”
Before Sanji could open his mouth Luffy chimed in, “We want the seasonal exhibit, please!” He sounded exhilarated at the prospect of the exhibition. He immediately handed the lady at the booth his card.
“Perfect.” She swiped his card, and handed him the two tickets, “I hope you enjoy your day here.”
“Thank you,” they said in unison.
“So, the seasonal exhibit,” Sanji said, hoping to prod Luffy for some information. He wasn’t up to date as to which one they had on at the moment, and he wondered what could’ve caught Luffy’s eye. There were a lot of things Luffy was interested in so he couldn’t quite pinpoint which one would be related to the seasonal exhibit.
“Yup!” Luffy said, guiding the both of them towards its entrance. “It’ll be really cool!”
The banners leading to the exhibition proudly announced its theme: Insects, and Sanji instantly felt his stomach drop. His steps faltered slightly and he trailed behind Luffy as they walked in. Bugs , he should’ve known, Luffy loved bugs, and it made perfect sense for a botanical garden to hold an exhibit on them.
He knew he should say something, ask if they could stick to the gardens instead, but the words died in his throat at Luffy’s expression. He seemed so excited. And the exhibition wouldn’t be around permanently, so it might be one of the few chances he had to catch it before it was gone. So he kept up, following Luffy all the way to the entrance, already feeling his skin crawl slightly at the high definition images of ants and other insects on the banners marking the way.
The first couple of exhibits were on local bugs. All kinds of grasshoppers, spiders and beetles were on display, some were taxidermised - and those Sanji could handle well enough. Sure, the bodies were just as realistic, perfectly preserved next to panels of text explaining each of the insect’s body parts and their function, but they didn’t move. Unfortunately, they also had large glass cases in the centre of the room with very alive specimens – and they did move. A lot.
They scurried about in their little artificial habitat, and though it had some rocks and plants, they couldn’t quite cover the myriad of insects walking around. Luffy was obviously drawn to that centrepiece and he stared into it for a while, gushing about something while Sanji half-heartedly agreed.
The more they walked through the exhibit the tighter his chest felt. It was as if the walls were closing down on him. He looked through the glasses whenever Luffy exclaimed excitedly about the creature lying behind them. And every time a feeling of panic washed over him like a wave of salt water the process repeated itself, pulling him deeper down over and over until he felt like he wouldn’t be able to swim back up anymore.
It was taxing to keep it together, it required a physical and mental effort that was hard to describe. But everytime he saw Luffy’s thrilled face he told himself he had to keep it together, he couldn’t ruin this for both of them. He couldn’t ruin it for Luffy.
It was fine. Everything was fine. Really. The little, unpredictable, uncontrollable, disgusting creatures were all trapped behind glass. They couldn't hurt him. They couldn’t escape, or at least, Sanji hoped they couldn’t.
Luffy looked entranced, staring at the window of every enclosure, pointing out the characteristics of the disturbing insects that laid everything but motionless. Maybe if he just disassociated, let his mind wander off somewhere safer, somewhere soothing, he could pull this off. Maybe he could walk through the entire exhibit without breaking down, and at the end, he and Luffy would go back home, he would cook dinner for the two of them, and then, maybe, they could lie down to watch a movie. Yeah. He liked the thought of that. He just had to walk a few metres more, nod his head to what Luffy was saying a few times more, and he’d be free.
There was a small pang of sadness at the fact that he was noy enjoying what Luffy planned, especially when he had been so excited. But Luffy could not have picked something more out of his comfort zone than this.
You’re fine , he kept repeating to himself. They can’t hurt you . He focused on not looking too much, on looking at his boyfriend instead, on his cute excited smile and expressive eyes.
His thoughts were interrupted when Luffy grabbed onto the sleeve of his sweater to get his attention, making him look into yet another enclosure. Ah, yes, cockroaches. They were big, way bigger than any cockroach Sanji had ever seen. With long, hairy legs and long wings covered by a dark-coloured exoskeleton.
A shiver went down Sanji’s spine at the sight of them, and he felt bile rise up his throat. The rapid fluttering of a panicking heartbeat hammered in his chest. His breathing tried to catch up to it, which just deepened the feeling.
The sight made him feel the ghost of Niji’s hands holding him down as Yonji shoved a considerably smaller cockroach down his shirt. The house he used to live in when he was a child had a big backyard that connected to a wooded area where his brothers would spend hours looking for small creatures to torment him with. Either by putting them under his clothes or on his bed for him to find when he was going to sleep. Cockroaches, spiders, beetles, grasshoppers, moths and worms. Anything they could find.
The more he walked through the exhibit, the more vivid the images in his mind became. It never got too far, it was never that bad, he always ended up getting rid of them one way or another, albeit there was almost always a feeling of panic that settled deeply in his bones that his brothers seemed to feast on, like they were hungry for it.
It had been years since Sanji had thought back to the horrors he experienced at his brothers’ hands, but the effects of his torture still presented in adulthood through many, many traits of his character, and this included a deeply entrenched phobia of insects.
He felt them crawling under his shirt and climbing up his back. Creeping up his pants. Entering his earhole and prying his mouth open, trying to slide down his throat and eat him from the inside. He could feel his skin prickle with fear, and every standing hair that was brushed by the wind made him want to scratch his skin fiercely to get rid of the sensation.
Their little legs tapped his skin repeatedly, running up and down his spine and getting caught in the hair of his leg. They dug around his ear and went up his nose.
It’s all in your head. It’s all in your head. You’re being irrational. Nothing can hurt you . NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
He was tempted to ask Luffy to leave, to tell him he wasn’t feeling well. But the words wouldn’t come out the way he wanted them to, saying, hey, I’m at the verge of a panic attack because the little animals you’re obsessed with creep me the fuck out, was not an option, especially when Luffy looked so happy.
Luffy’s hand travelled from the upper part of his arm down to his hand, holding it tightly to lead Sanji into the next room. The touch grounded him a little. He saw Luffy walking in front of him, with his arm extended back to be able to grab Sanji’s hand.
He took a deep breath, and shook his head of thoughts. Almost done. Just a few more rooms. There were still ripples of fear rolling down his back, giving him chills. But they faded gradually.
They walked into another section of the exhibit – maybe it’d be something cute, Sanji hoped, like butterflies or caterpillars, he could handle those. Maybe he could even enjoy looking at the pretty colours of their wings, maybe he could discuss how they looked with Luffy. Maybe he could finally actively participate rather than being dragged around.
His hopes died quickly when he read the name of the exhibit: Arachnids.
Fuck.
Luffy jumped excitedly and picked up the pace, making Sanji follow closely behind. He kept his eyes glued to the floor, refusing to look at any of the enclosures, he knew if he did, he probably would spiral.
He looked at the smooth leather of his black chelsea boots, he focused on the almost invisible creases that formed on the bridge of his feet where they bent as he walked. He focused on the feeling of it, the slight pinch of his skin between the leather. It wasn’t a good distraction, but it worked enough to keep his mind off the hundreds of tiny insects that were trapped in the room with him.
“This is a Mexican red-knee tarantula,” he heard an unknown voice speak, followed by a ‘ohh’ sound made by Luffy.
Sanji felt his boyfriend let go of his hand as he approached the voice. He looked up to see where Luffy had gone. And there he saw it, one of the botanical garden workers holding a very alive, very real tarantula. It was dark brown and fuzzy, with orange coloured spots where its legs bent.
Unlike all the other insects he had seen that day, there was no glass separating him from it. The small feeling of safety that the enclosures gave him vanished. He felt his heartbeat speed up, faster than it had beaten before, the fear was consuming. He felt the tip of his fingers start to go numb, and his head getting very, very light, like the smallest breeze would topple him over.
“They are very friendly and can be handled by humans,” the man continued speaking, but Sanji could barely hear him.
The fuzzy creature rotated in the worker’s hand and slightly raised its two front legs. That did it for Sanji.
It was as if all of the muscles in his body tensed up, making him freeze in the middle of the room. People walked around him to see the enclosures that were lined against the wall, or to approach the man displaying the tarantula. Some bumped slightly into him, but he didn’t move, he couldn’t move.
He could hear the way his blood flowed faster and faster – a deafening sound similar to a beep. The sides of his vision blackened as his breathing became shallow. He tried really hard to get his eyes to focus, but the more he attempted it the more and more his vision would swim. He couldn’t even see Luffy anymore.
The feeling of crawling came back to his legs, his arms, his back, his chest, even his face. It made him want to aggressively flinch, to shake everything that was touching his skin off – the desperation made him want to scratch his skin open, rip it off along all of the insects that he felt dragging around his dermis.
He couldn’t take it anymore.
With a lingering feeling of guilt, he decided to run out of the room into the open space. He wanted to remove himself completely from the situation. He had reached his limit, and he doubted he would be able to gather himself in a room full of spiders.
With the little coordination and rational thinking he had left he made it to a bench not too far from the exhibit. It was located in an open space, surrounded by bushes and a path leading to the other areas of the botanical garden.
He collapsed into it, letting his back fold forward until he could bury his head in the palm of his hands, with his elbows pressed against his knees. He could feel tears wetting his hands and all he could hear was the tinnitus of his panic.
A small part of him, the one that tended to point out everything that was wrong with him, reminded him of the place he was in. A public space, with people walking by. He didn’t know exactly how many, but a handful of strangers had just seen him run out of the room at the sight of an insect the size of his hand. He was so embarrassed.
The shame only made him cry harder. His breathing became shallow and his chest hurt from the lack of oxygen.
His hands went up from his face to his hair. He gripped it tightly, making his scalp sting. The pain was grounding, but not enough.
In the midst of his roaring heartbeat, he felt a strong hold on his arms.
“Sanji,” Luffy said, voice steady, “Breathe with me. Take a breath in,” he said, taking a breath through his nose and holding it for a couple of seconds, “and out,” he said as he exhaled through his mouth.
It took Sanji a moment to be able to follow along. He felt like his lungs were collapsing inside his chest, and it was initially hard for him to inhale enough air. “Focus on me Sanji, I’m right here,” Luffy said.
Sanji listened to his voice, focused on his touch until he could follow him. They stayed like that for a minute or so, breathing in tandem. The pain in his chest dulled, his lungs finally expanded, letting the oxygen in.
Once Luffy made sure Sanji was considerably calmer, he brought the grip on Sanji’s arms down to his hands. He held them gently, like he always did, like he was holding something precious.
“Sanji, I’m so sorry,” Luffy said, completely serious. It wasn’t often that Sanji got to see him that way, he only did so when the situation really required it. “I wanted this to be a surprise but I should’ve checked in with you beforehand. I should’ve been more thoughtful when planning this.”
Sanji wanted to protest, “No I’m sorry, I know you were excited–”
“Sanji, I was excited to be with you .” Luffy said firmly, “What matters to me is that we spend time together. I want you to have a good time too.”
Despite his efforts to reassure him, Sanji was stubborn and overall self-destructive.”But you were having fun,” he mumbled, “You like things like this.”
“Yeah, but you don’t,” he explained simply, “And that’s okay.”
Being with Luffy was weird, Sanji had realised. Being such an anxious person made him overthink anything and everything. He second guessed himself at every chance he got — but the thing about Luffy was that he did not give Sanji any chances to spiral. He was quick to reassure him and comfort him, and he was also extremely assertive and clear when speaking — It left Sanji feeling weird, like a part of him wanted to protest and doubt, but Luffy wouldn’t allow it.
Sanji stayed silent, still composing himself. He freed one of his hands from Luffy’s hold to wipe the tears from his face.
Luffy squeezed his other hand softly. It made a small smile bloom on Sanji’s face, which in turn made Luffy smile, wide and showing teeth. Oh, how Sanji loved that smile.
“Do you want to walk for a while?” Asked Luffy, “It might help you.”
Sanji sniffed, “Yeah, that sounds good.”
Luffy almost jumped to stand, ready to go.
“Is my face red? Does it look too bad?” Sanji asked.
Luffy smiled, “No, it looks fine.” It didn’t, but Sanji didn’t need to know that.
They spent the rest of the afternoon walking through the gardens, commenting on the flowers. Roses were Sanji’s favourite, and Luffy made sure to pass by every variety on display. Their colours varied, with yellow, pink and red standing out as the most common. Luffy didn’t even know there were that many types of roses, with so many variations in the arrangement of their petals and the hues of the flowers.
Sanji had smiled a lot, with the rims of his eyes still red and his cheeks blushed pink. It made Luffy feel less guilty for taking him to the exhibit in the first place. Luffy wasn’t one to simmer in feelings, he never let them sit for too long, it was rare for him to dwell on something, but he couldn’t help but feel that he had failed to see Sanji’s discomfort on time. He was too entranced and excited to notice — it was common for him to get too fixated on something, which caused him to lose sight of the things around him, the people around him. He didn’t know how to fix it, he had always been like this, but at least he could make it up to Sanji, who unlike him, was always thinking about everyone but himself.
So he made sure to spend extra time doting on him that day. Sanji acted as if he didn’t like it, but Luffy knew that wasn’t the case. They spent hours walking through the flowery paths of the botanical garden, with their hands clasped and big smiles. They caught a train right before sunset, which made the already pretty landscape even more beautiful – Sanji enjoyed the view on the way back, while Luffy, unsurprisingly, napped on his boyfriend’s shoulder.
All things considered, the date hadn’t been that bad.