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The city was bumbling with excitement and anticipation. The news of what happened in Mt. Firmanent had reached Jinzhou through Changli’s eager retelling of the events. Sanhua stood atop the stairs leading to the head office, looking down she could see Chixia almost jumping up and down in joy, almost akin to a dog wanting to greet back her friends. Banzhi and Yanyang, as usual, were with her. Bainzhi looked almost impatient, Sanhua thinks there must be something important that’s being researched in Huaxu, she might need to look into those reports later. Yanyang looked just as excited as Chixia, but her calm demeanor prevented her from acting as obnoxious (dare she say) as her friend.
Sanhua sighed and looked up at the blank sky. She felt…different. A part of her wanted to be as excited and as anticipatory as the rest of the city. After all, their magistrate had just saved them from being frozen indefinitely, if Changli’s words are to be believed. Silly her, she doesn’t really doubt Changli, never could knowing how important she was, but she wanted to, the treacherous part of her wanted to make herself believe that Changli was lying. That there’s no possible way that Jinhsi had almost sacrificed herself—
And Sanhua hadn’t even been there. Not beside her. Hell, not even within Mr. Firmanent.
She was here. In Jinzhou. Doing paperwork for Jue’s sake.
She had been bored out of her mind making sure that the Head Office was running smoothly as her magistrate, her leader, her—
But that’s the thing, isn’t it.
Jinhsi isn’t her. The magistrate can never be her.
Sanhua is merely here to protect Jinhsi, to be her right-hand, the commander when the magistrate is away sacrificing Jue-knows-what to make sure that the city remains in existence.
What possibly could she offer to someone as ethereal as Jinhsi.
And the only thing she could offer, her sword, her protection, and she wasn’t even there.
She’s a failure.
An utter, pathetic, failure. Undeserving of her title. Undeserving of her sword.
Her right eye twitched, it had continuously given her trouble. It had been throbbing for a while now, sometimes it’ll last for hours, sometimes it’ll last for just a minute. But still it ached. Had been since their confrontation with Scar.
She reminded herself to check on that guy again. They had placed him in a maximum facility deep underground, with guards on rotation. She, herself, had been tasked with overseeing his imprisonment.
And she cannot fail at that too.
Her right eye twitched. She winced.
“Sanhua!” she heard a voice calling out her name made her forget the pain she’d experiencing. She looked down and noticed Jinhsi waving down at her.
She closed her eyes, willing down the pain, hoping that it’ll be enough to subdue it for a bit. She then gave a small smile and continued her descend.
Jinhsi had arrived with the Rover, in tow. Rover gave her a quick wave too, and her usual welcoming soft smile marring her face.
“Welcome back, Lady Magistrate,” she greeted and curtsied in front of her.
Jinhsi, as usual, brushed it off, not really a fan of being treated as respectable as her title deserved. To her, she was just a citizen of Jinzhou, someone that is a part of the city like Chixia is. No one as important.
Sanhua had always loved that part of Jinhsi.
Jinhsi looked at her, something dancing just beneath the usual glimmer of her silver eyes. She opened her mouth, “Sanhua—”
Sanhua unknowingly held her breath.
But before Jinhsi could tell her, she was called by someone else—Changli, to be precise. She had turned her away from Sanhua, and towards the citizens clamouring around them, eager to hear stories from their adventures on Mt. Firmanent, wanting to congratulate their magistrate and at the same time also make sure that she had been alright. The citizens of Jinzhou loved their magistrate like that.
Sanhua closed her eyes and removed herself from the spotlight. She stepped back, allowing the others to circle more around the magistrate and crowd her. Jinhsi had followed her step, but Sanhua had been too focused on disappearing in the shadows—where she felt more belong—to realize that Jinhsi had looked at her, had seen her.
Instead, Sanhua tried to reign in the ugly thoughts…and feelings that were blooming within her. Her right eye throbbed once more, but she tried to focus less on it, and more on the emotions enveloping her.
Her eyes were inevitably drawn towards Rover—like many did.
And the nastiest part of hers had burst forward.
You got lucky—
She winched at the sudden hurt that engulfed her. She tried to remove her gaze away from Rover’s wide grin as she eagerly indulges Chixia’s seemingly endless questions.
You got lucky someone had been there.
She shook her head, her right hand inevitably touching the underpart of her right eye as it throbbed harder, as if wanting agreeing to her thoughts and punishing her for even having it. But Sanhua doesn’t even want to admit it to herself, the lingering emotion that is threatening to consume her this very instance—a fostering maliciousness that even she doesn’t want to name.
You got lucky. Someone had been there, her mind echoed, unrelentless with her penance. It continued to echo inside her thoughts, endlessly repeating the phrase. And it does, her right eye twitching seemingly in rhythm.
She could feel the beginning of a migraine at the back of her head, mixing with the emotions overwhelming her.
And then—unfortunately, her gaze crossed once more with the Rover.
And the ugly emotion had been given a name.
Sanhua can no longer deny her feelings, her truth.
You’re lucky someone was there. And you’re jealous that someone hadn’t been you.
She turned away from Rover before the savior of Jinzhou could realize the meaning behind her gaze, could decipher the emotions that Sanhua was trying to bury deep within her.
Jinhsi isn’t yours. She could never be yours. Sanhua kept on repeating the mantra that had been in her head ever since she first bowed in front of Jinhsi, ever since she had first sworn her allegiance to the magistrate and to Jinzhou.
Jinhsi belonged first and foremost to the city she was born to protect.
And Sanhua could never live up to that vow, could never replace the savior who had protected Jinhsi from overclocking, who had been there when Sanhua hadn’t been.
But how Sanhua desperately wished—it could have been her.
She turned her back, lest she continue to ruminate on that self-hatred and spiral further in her delusions of being with the magistrate. But as she turned her back, Rover frowned. She mouthed Sanhua’s name but had been too late to call her out.
Sanhua left the city grounds, walked away as more citizens of the city came to celebrate the safe return of the Savior of Jinzhou and the Lady Magistrate who ensured the survival of the city.
Jinhsi who had almost lost her life defying Jue.
Jinhsi whose gaze lingers on Sanhua’s form, who was too timid and unsure of her feelings to call out the name of the person who she wanted to be with the most.
And Sanhua…
Her right eye throbbed and she almost fell down on her knees. Her hand grabbed the nearest wall to steady herself.
You’re lucky—
A tear fell down her cheeks. But she quickly wiped it away.
Now that the Lady Magistrate was back in the city, Sanhua had to make sure that everything would be alright as Jinhsi takes back command.
She touched her right eye.
And started to walk towards the prison cell of their most prolific criminal.
Sanhua went off to meet Scar.