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Adam was sitting, back against the arm of the beaten sofa in his grotty apartment. His worries burnt his stomach, sculpting a raw ache inside him. He groaned, head now dangling off the end of the furniture, watching a straggly grey cloud pass his window upside down. He savoured the moment as his vision got blurry, as he focused just on what he could see. Adam’s vision swam as the blood rushed to his head and all he could think about was himself, just lying there. Everything had been so trying since his escape, so he allowed himself to slip away into the confusion his position put him in, instead of his buzzing thoughts.
He reached forward toward the back cushions of the sofa, pulling himself up and shaking his head. Looking down at his body- dirty and awfully thin, poisoned with his ill-fitting dressing gown- he huffed to himself. Everything about how he looked felt off. His arms felt heavy as he tried to lift them, and his legs suddenly seemed a lot longer than usual, but he didn’t fight it. Adam was too tired for that.
Instead, he found himself bringing his knees to his chest with a short hum, and he rested his chin on top of them, fiddling with the frayed fabric of his robe. He ran a hand through his hair, slicked back with a mixture of grease and sweat. The motion felt soothing, and he began stroking at the edge of the dressing gown cord too, slipping further into his regression.
He fumbled clumsily in his pocket, pulling out a pack of Rizla Green. He took a paper out and crumpled it between his fingers, enjoying the sound it made. As he fiddled with the sheet, his face lit up in a warm smile and he started to rock from side to side. Adam quickly realised how warm he was feeling, much different to just a few moments ago. He didn’t know what was happening but it seemed to be fixing his previous unsavoury thoughts.
When he was like this, everything was warm and sweet. He could be care-free again.
Suddenly Adam’s head didn’t feel so busy anymore. The last of his thoughts about what now? and why me? had evaporated entirely with the surge of warmth that had been sent through his body, and now he sat back into the cushions, content. He untied his gown and slipped it off, so he was just in his loose boxers. He stared down at himself again, but this time it wasn’t that his body felt incorrect, just that it wasn’t his. And he could live with that.
Adam had been feeling so trapped in himself that it was a great relief to let go. He could think through this later.
Adam yawned, then bit the inside of his lip and scrunched his face tightly- the contrast feeling like a massage.
He perked his ears and heard the jangling of keys being slotted into the door. Larry, he thought. Surely, Lawrence pushed open the door, struggling against its attempts to close on him as he shouldered it, a hefty bag of groceries in one hand and his varnished cane in the other.
“Some help here?”
Adam shot over to the door, keeping it open with a veiny foot and taking the shopping from his boyfriend, then carrying them to the kitchen counter. The bag was heavy, heavier than most shops, he thought to himself.
The door shut behind the elder man, who then stumbled his way into the kitchen. Adam knew how much pressure a day could put on Lawrence, what with his foot and just the nature of the hospital, and he didn’t want to be another thing to handle, so he stayed facing the counter, hoping Lawrence wouldn’t notice the crumpled papers littered on the living room floor. They would later become a tell-tale sign that Adam hadn’t been feeling exactly... himself.
Lawrence stepped forward heavily and pressed his chin against the side of Adam’s neck, moving his arms around his waist and pulling him into an embrace. “All ready for me, huh?”, Lawrence mumbled into his lover’s neck, playfully pressing a kiss there as he trailed off. Adam radiated a shiver as his whole body froze when he remembered his lack of clothing. He awkwardly crooned at Lawrence’s touch before pulling away; hoping his jerk would be disguised as a tease.
“Adam?”, Lawrence inquired, “What’s up with you?”
He placed another familiar hand firmly on the small of Adam’s back, making him twitch, straightening upward. Adam longed to be less exposed and hated himself for feeling so against such a gentle touch. He had been looking forward to him coming home for the day because they’d spend time together, but he didn’t want it in the same way Larry did. But upon noticing the second flinch, Lawrence stepped back, giving his boyfriend a little room.
“Adam. Look at me.”, he pushed, concern spilling into his words. It certainly wasn’t usual for him to be so quiet. Even if Adam was having a terrible day, he’d natter on about what minging things were getting to him, so his sudden change was ferociously loud.
“Have I done something? Just tell me and it’ll be fixed.”
Still no reply.
“Talk to me, baby.”
Adam brightened at the term and turned around to face his favourite person. The only though he could get together was his boyfriend’s name, and he repeated it over and over in his mind. He could still feel himself without control, but he opened his mouth regardless. A slur of some sort escaped his mouth, as he gaggled over every non-intelligible word, before ending with a clear ‘Larry’. Heat exploded all over his face, blushing with a glowing embarrassment. Pull yourself together, freak, Adam hissed to himself, you’re behaving like a child.
The pair stared at each other for a stretched while, and Adam tried to choke back the tears that were rising behind his face. Lawrence was staring at him, expression solid but eyes wheels of questions. The younger man’s crying escalated quickly into sobbing, and he fell forward into Lawrence. A hesitant attempt at patting him on the back made Adam feel worse; He didn’t understand what was happening to him. He was acting like a child, and he hated it. He hated that he had ruined the good mood with his oddities again.
Lawrence did not know what to think but held his boyfriend against him instinctively as his shirt dampened. When the most of his tears were spent, Lawrence took Adam’s hand and lead him to the sofa, noting the crumpled papers, then sitting his boy down.
Adam looked thoroughly dishevelled, eyes round and staring like a puppy up at Lawrence. The elder man bent down with a struggle, balancing on his good foot and supporting himself mid-way down his cane. The pair made eye contact, and Adam reached his hand out to Lawrence, who took it in his free one, kissing it fondly.
“Sweetheart, can you talk to me?”
Adam replied with a simple ‘yes’, feeling filth in his throat as he lisped the last sound. All he could think was that he didn’t understand. That he didn’t understand because he wasn’t big enough.
Adam found his fingers in his own mouth, gnawing at them mindlessly as Lawrence watched. He no longer looked so full of confusion or doubt, but instead was watching his partner with every ounce of adoration. That warm feeling returned gradually up Adam’s spine as his embarrassment ebbed away.
Lawrence recalled something his therapist had mentioned in passing. He wasn’t exactly sure what ‘age regression’ meant but he knew it was another way to cope. He knew it was a healthy way, too, which determined him to encourage Adam’s behaviour, since so many of his boyfriend’s ways of dealing with his fears were the opposite.
“Little one?”, Lawrence cautioned, which earned a large smile from the boy on the couch, then an enthusiastic nod.
“Baby, what would you like?” The question hadn’t come out as helpful as he’d hoped it would, but Adam gestured over to his moth-eaten dressing gown that was discarded by the coffee table.
Lawrence hauled himself to standing and scooped up the robe with the end of his cane. He bounced it up slightly so he could catch it with his other hand, then sat next to his Adam on the sofa. Larry held out a sleeve of the gown and Adam eagerly pushed his arm through it, then the other, before Lawrence leaned forward to tie it around him properly.
“Looking good, my dear!” he praised, as Adam resumed his biting, but this time on the collar of his gown. The boy stretched out a hand toward Lawrence, giving a grasping motion.
“Larry! Larry!” Adam spoke, followed by another monotone hum.
Lawrence edged closer to his little lover and took him into a large hug, relishing the deep sigh that Adam let out into his chest. Adorable was the only word that came to mind for Lawrence.
The two embraced each other for what felt to Larry like an eternity, before Adam eased off him and lay back down onto the couch. Lawrence ran his steady fingers through the dark mess of his partner’s hair and rubbed his back for comfort, which eventually sent the boy off to sleep, hands still tucked under chin from where he’d been nibbling his fingertips.
When he was confident Adam was asleep, Lawrence removed his tie and loosened his shirt and settled himself beside his sleeping boy. When he woke up, he’d be sure to investigate the regression thing, but for now he was content to doze off alongside his partner, cradling him in his arms.
“I love you, angel.” Lawrence muttered as he drifted off.