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Dr. Andross Bowman stepped forth from the protection of the sliding glass doors into the brutality of the outdoor elements. The wet heat enveloped him, feeling almost as if he had stepped into some sort of thick syrupy mass. Despite the scientist’s close to forty year residency in Corneria City, he just could never quite get used to the humid climate. Sure, it wasn’t as bad as somewhere like Aquas or Fortuna, but compared to his arid homeworld of Macbeth, Corneria may as well have been a steam cooker.
“Please, Dr. Bowman, just stay inside here while I go fetch your car for you. I wouldn’t want to have you walk all the way to the parking lot in this heat. I’ve heard it's supposed to be the hottest day on record in the last 150 years.”
The primate turned to address the eager lab who had tailed him from his… lab. He gave a warm smile to one of the many bright young assistants whom he had hired on from poor disenfranchised areas of Lylat in a bid to build their future and assist in his research.
“That will be alright, Curtis. I appreciate the concern, but, believe it or not, I’m not quite as old as I may appear,” he chuckled. “Besides, I’ve been inside all morning, I don’t think a little walk out in the sun is going to kill me. And how many times do I have to tell you, we’re friends, ‘Andross’ is just fine”
“Are you sure? We can’t have one of the greatest minds in all of Lylat getting heat stroke. And, personally, I don't think I’d ever be able to forgive myself if something happened to you. Not after all you’ve done for me and my family. If it weren’t for your famous Dr. Andross Bowman Center for Spatially Challenged Children with Gigantism my sister would still be hitting her head on every door frame she walks through.”
The ape kindly waved him off. “Yes, I’m quite certain. My car is just down around the corner, anyway, so I don’t have all that far to go. I can’t imagine anything would happen to me in such a short distance. Please, give your family my best, as always. Oh, and can I look forward to seeing you at the grand opening later this afternoon?”
“You bet!” The dog beamed back at his boss.
“Excellent. Until then, Curtis.” Andross tipped his hat in parting towards the young assistant before plunging deeper into the urban heat.
Despite his great success in life, to the common observer Andross would have appeared to be just like any other average citizen. He wore nice, yet, relatively plain clothing as opposed to fancy name-brand attire. He drove his own car—a cheap and reliable economy model from Eladard. Rather than dining out at fancy restaurants every night, he instead elected to prepare all of his own meals at his upper-middle class home. In general, while he had accumulated a vast sum of wealth over the years from the patents on his various inventions, the majority of it he invested right back into the community. The name Andross Bowman became synonymous with philanthropy and good-will throughout the system as his network of charitable organizations and non-profit health centers spread.
As he rounded the corner onto the narrow side street where he parked his car, the doctor paused to take a handkerchief out of his pocket to wipe the sweat from his brow. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a flash of blue from an approaching car. It was an interesting shade of blue—definitely not one he saw on cars all that often—but he didn’t give it much thought beyond that.
A second later, while his eyes were closed, the primate heard the distinct sounds of squeaking brakes followed by a sliding van door and finally someone yelling, “Kiss my bass, shithead!” Andross barely had time to analyze the situation before he was struck by the sudden sensation of something very heavy and wet impacting his face. The force of the blow was enough to send him to the ground. Barely conscious, he felt something fall out of his pocket as the unknown assailant hauled him into the van before his vision faded out altogether.
5 Minutes Prior on the Other Side of Corneria City:
FOOMP!
A small black pearl careened through the air, carried aloft by a sharp blast of wind. It sailed over a couple of small white tables decorated with ribbons and cutesy anime plushies before barely missing its intended mark by a few inches.
“ ARGH! YOU GOT ME IN MY FUCKING EYE! ” Pigma bellowed as he clutched his hand to the affected area of his face. “I told you to knock that shit off already! What’s a guy gotta do to enjoy his donut in peace?”
Panther snickered from his seat next to Leon as the chameleon lowered the thick straw from his mouth and placed it back into his boba tea, readying the chamber with another shot for whenever the pig let his guard down again.
“Almost got it this time. Just gotta get myself zeroed in. You wanna play some ‘pork hole,’ Sarge?”
Leon slid the cup forward towards the wolf sitting across from him, but had no success with the enticement. Instead, his boss continued to solemnly look down at the thirteen credit mango smoothie sat in-front of him. It only stared back via the foam on top of the drink, made to look like some kind of chibi anime character. Usually they wore cute little smiles, but for some reason this big-eared fox character with a ninja star only seemed to glare at him with disdain.
Sergeant Wolf O'Donnell of the Corneria City Police Department was in a slump. While he generally enjoyed his job and the people he worked with, it wasn’t without its challenges. And after nearly four years without taking any sort of a break, a vacation was sorely needed.
If he had had his way, Wolf would have already been sitting on some Zonessian beach sipping a Mai Tai right about now. Months earlier he had booked a retreat out to the resort planet to go see his favorite musician play live in concert. The space fare and hotel were already paid for along with the concert ticket and all he had to do was sit back and count down the days, but fate had other ideas. Only a week prior, he was informed by the chief of police that his vacation would have to be suspended indefinitely as Dr. Andross Bowman had announced the opening of his new Center for the Blind, Partially-Blind, Orphans, Blind Orphans, and Partially-Blind Orphans and the grand opening would require the need for extra security. So, instead, Wolf was now relegated to sit and watch as his overpriced drink slowly melted in-front of him like some sort of metaphor for the sweltering heat outside.
“Ah come on, Sarge,” Panther pleaded, “You haven’t even touched your drink. I know it's not the same, but we were just trying to cheer you up by dragging you out to this fancy cafe.”
Leon poked at his egg and rice dish made to look like two little bears snuggled up under a blanket. “Say, why did we come all the way out here anyway? It’s cute, don’t get me wrong, but the prices are outrageous. And is Sergeant O’Donnell even into cartoons?”
“First off, they aren’t cartoons, it's called anime ,” Pigma chided between bites of the pink sprinkled donut in his hand. The swine was by himself one table over due to the immense amount of food he had ordered taking up the entire space. “And yeah, maybe it is a little pricey, but who cares? Live a little. That’s what money’s for, right? Spendin’ on good times with your buddies. If you’re that concerned with the bill, it's on me. Besides, the food here is pretty great if I do say so myself. My only critique is that for a maid cafe, this place does seem to have a distinct lack of maids. Maybe it's just a slow day.”
“Man, I knew we should have just gone to the donut shop like usual,” Panther groaned. “But you were just sooooooo hellbent on ‘combating stereotypes.’” He made sure to put extra emphasis on the sarcastic jazz hands he used to accompany the phrase.
Wolf finally let out a deep sigh before speaking up for the first time since placing his order earlier. “Thanks guys, I really do appreciate the thought. I’m sorry, I guess I’m just not really feeling myself today. Truthfully, I was just really looking forward to that concert. It’s not every day that you get to see the system’s premier cello player live. But it's fine. I’m sure he’ll have a concert out here soon enough. I’ll just have to catch him then.”
“Oh yeah, that’s right, I forgot you were into that classical music stuff. What was that cello guy’s name again?” Pigma inquired.
“He isn’t just ‘that cello guy,’ he is the best cellist possibly in the history of the Lylat System and his name is Yo Ma-Ma.”
“Eh, I’m sure he can’t be that great,” Leon said in a bid to get Wolf’s mind off the subject. “What can be so exciting about a stupid cellist anyway?”
“Hey, you take that back! Yo Ma-Ma is a genius!” Wolf fired back.
“Nuh-uh. Yo Ma-Ma is soooooooo stupid that-”
“Don’t you dare!”
The impending argument was thankfully cut short by the appearance of a new unknown entity in the vicinity.
“Ayo, konnichiwa, officers.”
The group turned in their seats to lay eyes on the figure before them. His gangly form ambled in with an unprecedented air of nonchalance as if the entire world revolved around his own schedule. It was not, however, the man’s gait which first caught the attention of Wolf and his compatriots, rather it was his particularly unique sense of fashion. A pair of white stockings stretched their way from his sneakers to much further up his long legs than anyone in attendance cared to look. They were met by the edge of a short dress made to look like a stereotypical French maid outfit, decked out with frilly lacy bits and bows. To complete the look, a bowed choker and cuffs wrapped around his neck, wrists, and long bushy tail and a headband with fake cat ears sat atop his scruffy brown head. This seemed a little counterintuitive given he already possessed his own pair of very real triangular ears, but the expression behind his yellow-tinted glasses indicated that he couldn’t possibly care less.
“Uh,” Panther ventured after a few moments of awkward silence, “Are you supposed to be the maid?”
“Nah, I just decided to dress like this today because I like the draft,” the strange mustelid replied sarcastically. “ Yeah , I’m the maid…. baka.” He grimaced a little bit as he uttered the last word, almost as if it physically hurt him to say it. “Look, I know I’m probably not exactly what you were expecting, but I’m broke and this place is understaffed, so it is what it is. Oh, and another thing, if y’all wanna chotto matte with the boba spitballs, that would be pretty sugoi. Don’t get me wrong, it looks fun, but someone’s going to have to clean that shit up and they don’t pay me enough for that. Anyway, I’ll be over there in the corner on my phone. If you need me… just….” He trailed off as if he had gotten bored halfway through the sentence and couldn’t be bothered to finish it as he pulled his smart phone out from the maid outfit’s low neckline and shuffled back from whence he came.
The band of officers exchanged confused glances in silence until the maid man was out of earshot.
“Well that was different,” Wolf muttered.
“Yeah, what the hell was with that part where he said he wouldn’t clean up the boba? He’s a maid . Doesn’t that defeat the entire purpose?” Pigma wondered aloud.
“I was talking more about the fact that he was a dude, but yeah, that too I guess.”
Panther shrugged. “Honestly, I’m feeling kind of relieved now. When you first told me that we were going to a maid cafe I thought that all the waiters were going to be a bunch of pretty girls and, well, I just don’t know if I would have been able to cope.”
“Ah geez, not this again.” Wolf placed his head in his hands. “What are we going to do with you, man? How are we ever supposed to go anywhere if every time you see a woman you get scared?”
“I’m not scared , ok? I just find them… intimidating.”
“You let some lady get away with doing 85 in a 40 the other day because she smiled and winked at you when she rolled the window down and you ran back to the squad car,” the sergeant countered.
“Look, in my defense it wasn’t a car, it was a rather large truck. And who the hell winks at you when you pull them over? Any normal person would at least know that they’re in trouble and act like it. A nervous smile I would understand, but winking? It was good that I got out when I did because that woman was unpredictable. Who’s to say she wouldn’t have killed me right then and there? I simply reacted to the best of my ability and knowledge given the situation at hand, exactly like they taught me at the academy."
“So they taught you to run away from women at the academy? Leon offered, blankly. “Did it ever cross your mind that she may have been, y’know, flirting with you or something?”
Panther looked completely puzzled at the suggestion. “Why would she do that? I was just about to give her a ticket. Seems like a pretty weird time to flirt.”
“Well, maybe that’s exactly why she was doing it — to get out of the ticket. Who knows, sometimes people do weird things at weird times. Haven’t you ever tried to flirt with anyone before?”
The big cat’s face turned flush. I guess he’s completely black, so you wouldn’t be able to tell, but just trust me on this one. “Yeah… I did once. But it didn’t go so well,” he muttered.
“Hey, we all gotta start somewhere,” his friend said to console him. “Tell me what happened.”
“Ehhhh,” Panther scratched the back of his head. “I’m not sure I really want to talk about it.”
“Hey, it's fine, buddy. This is a judgment free zone. I just wanted to see if maybe I could give you a few pointers.”
“Well,” Panther began, “I was at the florist picking up some roses for my apartment when I saw this really pretty girl picking up a beautiful bouquet of lilies. I wanted to compliment her on her choice, so I figured I would be brave and try a pickup line I heard about on the internet, but I think I may have messed it up. I went up to her and said, ‘Hey girl, are you a construction worker? Because you are building.’ And she kind of just looked at me like I was crazy.”
“Ah, tough break, but hey, at least you gave it your best shot. And honestly, for your first try that really could have gone a whole lot wor-”
“And then I got so nervous I projectile vomited onto her blouse… and the flowers.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah, she started crying. A lot. I just kept apologizing, but it wasn’t helping so I ran away and forgot to pay so the lady working there chased me down and then I had to go in and see her again and it was even more awkward the second time. I guess her dad had died, that’s why she was buying the flowers. You know, for the funeral. Anyway, yeah, not fun.”
Leon grit his teeth. “ Ah. I see. We’ll, uh, we’ll work on that.” In a bid to change the subject by absolutely any means necessary, the chameleon once again armed himself with his cup of boba tea, this time offering the straw to Panther. “Hey, Pigma let his guard down again. You’re up.”
The cat grinned as he took the makeshift blowgun and zeroed in on his target who was once again shoving his face full at the next table over. Meanwhile, Wolf was distracted by the sudden ringing of his communication device. As he fished the buzzing contraption from out of his pocket, his blood ran cold once he noticed who was attempting to contact him. Chief Shears appeared spelled out in block letters on the screen. He gulped as he set the device down on the table and hit the answer button. The chief was a kind, yet no-nonsense leader. It was rare for him to contact a small police group directly like this, and Wolf figured it could only spell bad news.
As the hologram projection of Shears popped up on the table, Wolf met his intense gaze with a salute. “Sergeant O’Donnel reporting in. How can I help, Chief?”
Unfortunately for the lupine, Shears could not have possibly picked a worse time to call, as the moment that Wolf’s hand raised to his forehead, Panther let rip an absolute screamer from the boba straw. As if bestowed the gift of accuracy by Apollo himself, the pearl sailed through Pigma’s open mouth before impacting the back of his throat at what seemed like mach speed. The officer hacked loudly before unleashing a tremendous squeal as he gripped his neck and sprayed food all over the table in front of him.
In triumph, Panther shot to his feet, arms in the air and let out his jubilation in the form of a warcry. “ PORK HOOOOOOOLE! ”
Leon, still in awe at what he had just witnessed, soon followed suit. “ PORK HOOOOOOOLE! ” He screamed at the top of his lungs as he gave Panther a vigorous high five.
Even the maid was impressed enough with the shot to completely forget the earlier ban he had placed on the game and came running in from out of nowhere screaming “ PORK HOOOOOOOLE! ” at the top of his lungs. He lept over Pigma’s body, still gasping for air, to collide with Panther in the form of an exuberant chest bump.
Unfortunately, Chief Shears did not seem to share in the team’s enthusiasm. He glared down at Wolf who could only look on with horror. “What is the meaning of this, O’Donnel?!” he barked. “And who in the hell is that?”
“I’m the maid, dawg,” the pine marten replied, holding up the sign of the horns on his right hand.
“Er, well, you see sir,” Wolf attempted to explain, “As a way to raise morale, the boys brought me down to this new cafe and they invented this game called ‘pork hole.’ The objective is to try and-”
“Enough!” The old dog gripped the bridge of his snout in frustration. Usually this sort of behavior would result in disciplinary action, but fortunately for Wolf’s unit, the Chief had much bigger fish to fry at the moment. “I don’t have time for this. O’Donnel, I need you and your men on protection detail for Dr. Andross Bowman ASAP! Do you understand?”
“Yes, sir. I understand perfectly, but, excuse me if I made a mistake here, but aren’t we not supposed to be on protection detail until tonight’s grand opening celebration?”
“Originally, yes, but the situation has rapidly changed. Dr. Bowman has been kidnapped!”
“Kidnapped?!” Wolf gasped. “Who would be capable of doing such a thing? Dr. Bowman has been such a boon to the community. What kind of sick person would want to threaten a guy like him in the first place?”
Shears scowled. “Based off the ransom note we received, I could tell you exactly who did it. Only the most low-down group of thugs this side of the Lylat System. It was the same group, in-fact, who stole all of the animatronics out of the Rainforest Cafe in the Corneria Palisades Mall all those years ago. I’m sure you remember all too well.”
Wolf bared his teeth with rage as he made the realization. “Star Fox.”
Back at Bowman Labs
“‘ Kiss my bass?’ Really, man?”
“What? Don’t you get it? I hit him with a fish. So I said ‘kiss my bass’ instead of ‘kiss my ass’ because a bass is like a fish or something.”
Falco Lombardi groaned, inserting his beak between his hands as his webbed compatriot hauled Andross’ limp body into the van. “No, I get it Slippy, it’s just- that wasn’t even a bass, it was a salmon.”
“What’s the difference?”
The amphibian attempted to close the van door but neglected to move the doctor’s head completely out of the way before doing so resulting in a rather loud thunk! If he wasn’t completely out cold before, he certainly was now.
“Shit!” Slippy winced. He didn’t much care about the general well-being of the ape, but rather what the reaction of the team’s enforcer might be. The toad was as strong as a corn-fed Indiana linebacker, but his head was a few yards short of a touchdown.
“Hey!” shouted a particularly angry blue fox from the front of the van. She twisted around in the driver’s seat and gripped Slippy’s collar with vice-like strength. “What the fuck do you think you’re doing with the target?!” she snarled through pointed teeth mere inches from his face. Slippy trembled in fear as Krystal’s crazed eyes burned a hole through his very soul. As the team’s enforcer, it was her job to, well, enforce, but some would say she took her role a step too far. “Do you have any clue what would happen to us if he got harmed you slimy little shit? It would ruin the entire mission before it even starts. Now from here on out you better treat that hands-for-feet freak like the God damned baby furry Jesus or else I’ll boil your round green little body like a brussel sprout. Do you understand me?”
“Y-yes, ma’am,” he croaked.
“Woah, woah, calm it down a little babe,” the band’s leader coaxed from the passenger seat.
“I am calm. And don’t call me babe,” Krystal grumbled as she returned to the wheel.
“Love the energy, just maybe tone it down a little right now. At least until tonight. There’s a time and place for everything. For now, just focus on getting us back to the hideout as inconspicuous as possible so we don’t attract any of the fuzz. The last thing we need right now is for some Dudley Do-Right to pull us over and blow the plan before it's even underway.
“And please remind me once again what this plan actually is,” Falco sighed. He was beyond belief that he had once again gotten suckered into one of Fox’s schemes. The poor bird could never quite understand how he continually ended up in these situations, as it wasn’t like Star Fox ever paid well, and that was only counting the times that Fox’s half-baked schemes even worked. He still couldn’t get over the heist on the Rainforest Cafe a few years back, and what was even worse, this time the bastard even convinced him to let the team use his mom’s Pontiac Trans Sport minivan and his lunch, which now lay discarded on the side of the road, just a device for a bad pun. But, he had to do what he had to do, and unfortunately Star Fox was just about the only business in town that would give his liberal arts degree a second glance.
“The plan, Mr. Lombardi, assuming you’re actually paying attention this time, is simple: We kidnap Dr. Andross. Check.” He motioned towards the incapacitated ape on the floor of the van. “We bring him back to the hideout and then, right when he’s supposed to appear at tonight’s grand opening of the Dr. Andross Bowman Center for the Blind, Partially-Blind, Orphans, Blind Orphans, and Partially-Blind Orphans, we reveal that we have him in our custody and demand a ransom. It’s foolproof!”
“Whatever you say, Fox,” Falco responded, rolling his eyes. “And how exactly are we supposed to let the authorities know that we have Dr. Bowman in custody in the first place without revealing our location? And how are we supposed to make the tradeoff?”
“Come on Lombardi, I know you got a brain in there somewhere, you should use it sometimes,” Fox chided. “Krystal here has ties to the Cerinian Mafia. One of her boys will act as the go between with the cops. Once we have the cash in our possession, all we gotta do is sneak out concealed in boxes of fireworks. You see, the mob owns and operates the old fireworks factory in the Technology District as a front for money laundering and weapons smuggling. That’s where we’re gonna stash ol’ doc here too for the time being.”
“Wait a second,” Falco responded, shaking his head in disbelief. “You mean to tell me that the hideout is the old fireworks factory that is located directly next door to the new Dr. Andross Bowman Center for the Blind, Partially-Blind, Orphans, Blind Orphans, and Partially-Blind Orphans?”
“Yeah,” his boss responded flatly.
“And you don’t see any issue with that at all?”
Fox waved him off with a look of incredulity. “No, it’s the perfect plan. The last place they’d check is right next door, right? And to answer your other question from earlier, we will simply drop off a ransom note in a local neighborhood before the mail gets picked up and send it on its way. As long as nobody sees us do it, we’re golden. Speaking of, we should probably take care of that now. Slippy, could you hand me the random note, please?”
“The what?” The toad simply stared back at him blankly.
“You know, the ransom note. The letter I gave to you earlier that I said we were going to send in to the police, that ransom note, dip-ass.”
“Oh!” Slippy piped up, enthusiastically. “Yeah, that ransom note. I mailed it.”
Silence enveloped the van for a few moments as only the sound of the terrible road noise from the Pontiac’s cheap tires could be heard.
Fox spoke once more, “Come again?”
“I sent the letter in. That was the plan wasn’t it? To send it into the police?”
“YOU WHAT????” the entire car erupted all at once.
About a mile back and a few hundred feet above a police helicopter circled the area. Officer Bernard Freud dutifully helmed the CCPD chopper scanning for speeding motorists on the highway when his attention was suddenly caught by an incoming message on his radio. “Attention all units, be on high alert for suspicious activity in and around the vicinity of Bowman Labs in the Research District, we have just received report that Doctor Andross Bowman has been kidnapped,” the voice of Sergeant O’Donnell crackled through the cockpit.
The hound held down his transponder to answer the call for assistance. “This is Sky Team One, officer Freud reporting in. I am currently in the vicinity of Bowman Labs. Are there any leads on what the escape vehicle looks like?”
“We do have a report from a lab assistant who followed the doctor out shortly after he left. According to his testimony he saw a blue van that apparently ‘looked like a vacuum cleaner’ leave the scene, but we cannot yet confirm at this time if the suspects were driving it or not. His hat, inhaler, and a fish were the only things found at the scene of the crime.”
“A fish? Well, what kind of fish? A bass?”
“Er, I believe it was a salmon, in-fact. But that’s beside the point. Dr. Bowman is in immediate danger right now, only exacerbated by the fact that he is without his inhaler. Given the intensely stressful situation he is currently in, coupled with today’s heat, there is a strong likelihood that he could have an asthma attack, which could very well end up being a life or death situation. All that to say, we need to find him ASAP.”
“Got in,” Freud responded. “Now, would you happen to know what shade of blue the van was?”
Wolf paused for a second before answering. “Does it really matter? Just be on the lookout for a blue van.”
“Of course it matters,” the hound replied indignantly. “Do you have any idea how many blue vans could be out there rolling around in the city right now? If we don’t want to be on a wild goose-chase we need to narrow down the search as much as possible. So, was it navy, sky, baby, cobalt?”
“Uh… I don’t know? I’m not really that well-versed on my color theory. It was just kind of a… normal blue? Not really light, not really dark.”
“Oh, come on, O’Donnell, you gotta help me out a bit more than that. Can you think of something to compare it to at least?”
Wolf racked his brain before finally just blurting out the first thing that came to mind. “Weezer blue. It was a Weezer blue van.”
“Ooooohhhhh, Weezer blue, yeah, why didn’t you just say so in the first place? Actually, now that you mention it, I can see a weird-looking Weezer blue van just right down here. It’s shaped kind of like a door wedge or something.”
“Say it ain’t so!” The sergeant responded with elation. “That sure was convenient timing. What’s their current location and heading?”
“They’re heading North on Buddy Ave. towards Holly Street. I’ll move in to investigate.”
As the helicopter swooped down towards the unsuspecting Star Fox crew, Wolf addressed the rest of his squad. “Alright, boys, our eyes in the sky have a confirmed sighting of the suspect vehicle. Now just follow my lead and play it cool out there. The last thing that Andross needs right now is for us to suddenly come undone.”
The 4-man convoy snaked its way through the city streets heading for the Weezer Wagon’s last known location. The spot was fairly easy to find, thanks in-part to Freud’s chopper hovering overhead. As Wolf approached the car, he turned his sirens on to signal the driver to pull over. Krystal, however, had other plans.
“Fuck! They found us!” She shrieked. “Slippy, you’re lucky I’m driving right now, otherwise I’d skewer you like an olive on a club sandwich. If the cops don’t end up throwing you in jail or killing you, I’ll make sure I will .” She slammed on the gas sending all three rear occupants careening towards the back of the car.
Falco, in somewhat of a daze from the sudden blow to the head, looked up and shouted, “What the hell do you think you’re doing!? There’s no way we can outrun them in this thing, it has like 120 horsepower. If we run we’re just going to make the punishment that much worse!”
“Shut-up, feathers! I know what I’m doing,” the blue fox growled back. Their leader carried the same sentiment.
“Sheesh, classic Lombardi, giving up right when the going gets a little tough. We’ve gotten out of worse before. Besides, we’re already almost to the hideout. As long as we can shake this one little squad we’ll be golden.”
Meanwhile, shocked by the van’s sudden—albeit not very quick—acceleration, Wolf grabbed his radio to send out a general announcement as he made chase. “All units be advised, in hot pursuit of a Weezer blue minivan with ‘Corneria Junior High Honor Roll Student’ and ‘Live, Laugh, Love’ bumper stickers on the back.”
Fox, however, was rather surprised to find that he too could hear Wolf’s announcement. “Gee, Falco, didn’t know your mom had a police radio hooked up in this car. Maybe we should have hired her instead of you. That sure does make this awful convenient for the purposes of facilitating a cohesive narrative between two separate parties during a chase scene.” He held the transponder on the dash to his muzzle to respond to Wolf. “Hey now, how about you give us a little bit of space here? As you probably already know, we—the notorious outlaw gang Star Fox—are in possession of one of Lylat’s most beloved public figures, Dr. Andross Bowman. If you don’t want anything bad to happen to him, I suggest you stay back.”
Wolf was surprised to hear Fox’s voice respond to him over his own radio, but carried on, undeterred. “I’m not sure how you got onto this frequency, Fox, but just know that you have Corneria City’s finest hot on your tail at this very minute. We won’t try and run you off the road out of concern for Dr. Bowman’s safety, but know that there will be no escape for you until he is back safely in our possession.”
Fox scoffed. “Well if you’re Corneria City’s finest then I’d hate to see the other guy’s they’d send instead. But I have to say, your voice sounds familiar. Have we had a run in sometime before?”
“Uh, no, I-I don’t think so,” Wolf mumbled back awkwardly.
“Wait a second, yeah, yeah I recognize you. You were that mall cop that snitched on us way back when we made the heist on the Rainforest Cafe. Thanks to you my entire plan fell apart and I had to do six months of community service cleaning up garbage on the side of the freeway.”
“Hey, that was a long time ago, alright. I’m not a mall cop anymore, I’m now officially a Sergeant of the CCPD. And honestly, I don’t know what your plan was with those animatronics, but I’m sure it was a dumb one anyway.”
“You wouldn’t know what a good plan is if it bit you in the ass!” Fox growled back over the radio. “I was going to convert the animatronic animals into fighting robots that would duel each other to the death in an eclectic slum-like setting underground called ‘The Hellmouth.’ Between the sports betting and the royalties for the streaming rights I would have been rich!”
“That’s… weird. Animatronic animals fighting each other? Who the hell would be into that sort of thing?”
“Shut up! Maybe they should hire some people with better taste down at the precinct,” Fox responded as he slammed the transponder back down onto the dash. “Nobody insults my plans and gets away with it,” he grumbled to himself. “Slippy, initiate evasive maneuvers.”
“You got it, boss,” the Toad replied as he jumped into action. He grabbed a large brown sack with the words ‘Squirrel Mart’ printed on the side which he had stowed in the back of the van earlier. He lifted up the rear hatch and called out to the unsuspecting officers in tow, “I bet this’ll drive you guys nuts! ”
A stream of acorns poured out from within the sack and onto the road below. This caught Panther and Pigma by surprise who both immediately brandished their sidearms and pointed them out the window towards the van.
“ACORNS!!!!!” They both screamed in terror as they opened fire indiscriminately.
“Stand down, Goddamnit, they’re just nuts!” Wolf screamed at his team, but not before a few stray shots whizzed by the occupants of the Pontiac. Most of the cars just drove right over them with little to no resistance, however Pigma’s car lost traction and spun out.
As part of a defensive maneuver, Krystal made a sharp right and grazed a streetlight, sending it crashing down onto a local donut shop’s roof, loosening the giant donut-shaped decoration adorning it. “Take that, pig!” she screamed out the window at her pursuers.
“Wait a second, how did she kno-” Pigma wondered before he was immediately interrupted by the giant donut rolling off the roof and onto the front of his squad car. The entire engine bay was crushed, but the swine had just been far enough back to remain unscathed. “Dammit!” He shouted as he punched his steering wheel, causing the airbag to go off in his face.
“Nice one, Krystal! That’s one down and three to go,” Fox cheered with a fist pump.
“Actually, four to go,” the ever pessimistic Falco corrected. “You forgot about the helicopter. And no matter how many cop cars we take down, we’ll never be able to lose them if he’s still on us.”
“Hmm, for once I agree with you, Falco,” Fox thought aloud. “We need to do something about that chopper, and quick. Krys, hold the wheel steady. I’m going to do something stupid.”
“Yeah, what else is new?” she mused.
Fox rolled the passenger window down with a slow labored squeal before gingerly climbing out onto the minivan’s roof.
“Hey, what’s the guy up to?” Freud called down on the radio as he observed Fox’s odd show of acrobatics from the sky.
“Not sure,” Wolf responded. “But just keep your eye on him. We don’t want to engage and risk hurting anyone right now.”
Fox didn’t have to keep his car-surfing stunt up for very long until his opportunity presented itself on his right. A kind Mennonite man had set up his business selling sheds he built on an open lot of land in the city. To advertise his business, a giant inflatable balloon in the shape of a blimp with the words “Alan’s Amish Sheds” on the side was moored from one of the larger structures along the road. The vulpine took a daring leap from the van to the nearest building. Thanks to the impeccable build quality, the sheds were able to easily support his weight as he jumped from one to the next before finally reaching the balloon. As soon as he reached his target, he quickly produced a knife from his pocket and slashed away the strings holding the balloon down before just barely hopping back onto the van in time. The balloon, no longer under the restraint of its former keeper, floated up towards the helicopter, getting caught in propeller’s wake turbulence.
Freud, in an attempt to avoid the foreign object, pulled the helicopter back to slow it down. Unfortunately for him, some of the strings managed to get whipped up in the air and caught in the prop, spinning the balloon around the chopper at intense speeds. With the helicopter now out of control and screaming impending warning sounds to its pilot, the officer finally decided to call it quits, and with a final terrified howl, Freud jumped out the spinning bird and pulled his ripcord before gliding down to safety amongst the wooden huts.
“Mother fucker! They gave Freud the slip!” Wolf yelled over the radio.
“They gave Freud the dick? I mean, wait… no-” Panther attempted to correct himself.
“Ok, listen up now. Powalski, Caroso, I need you guys to stay close. We don’t have air support anymore, so we gotta be careful that we don’t lose these guys or it's over. Understand?”
“On it, boss,” Panther said. Taking the initiative, he sped up to position himself on the van’s driver’s side. He rolled down his window to beg, threaten, or barter with the driver to get the vehicle to come to a stop by any means necessary, but was not prepared for who sat on the other side. “Hey, dirtbag! I’m gonna need you to pull-” he was immediately silenced by the image of the bonkers blue banshee behind the wheel. She eyed him with a crazed intensity not unlike a predator about to strike. The image caused a sense of confused feelings in the cop very similar to those experienced by first time players of Resident Evil Village.
“How about you pull the dicks out from your mouth, bitch!” Krystal screamed back. “Now what the fuck do you want from me? If you think there’s anything you can say to get me to stop right now then you-”
“Uh, I think you look really nice!” He blurted out without thinking. Just about everything regarding the current situation had left his mind with only his earlier conversation with Leon left swirling in his head.
“... What? ” Krystal yelled back after a few moments of silence. It was the first time she didn’t have any snarky words or aggressive comeback prepared in retaliation.
“I-I said I think you look nice. Right now. Your fur, uh, matches the van. I think that’s… pretty cool. I guess,” the big cat continued bravely.
“Caroso, what the hell are you doing!?” Wolf yelled over comms in disbelief.
“Atta-boy! It’s just like I told you, be confident!” Leon assisted.
“Stop encouraging him!”
“So, would you, uh, would you maybe be interested in going out on a date with me sometime?” Panther ventured?
Krystal stared back dumbfounded. It took everything in her power not to completely lose her attention and crash. After a second, a smile crept onto her face, a result from a nefarious idea planted in her head. “You know what, fine. You’re pretty cute for a cop after all. I’ll call you later tonight. But first, do you mind if I get a picture? Could you maybe slide a little further over to the left there so I could get a better shot?”
“Sure!” Panther beamed, blown away by his instant success. He couldn’t believe that this whole time it really was just that easy. He slowly steered his car over to the left side of the street. “Like this?” He called back to Krystal.
“Liiiiiiitle bit further”
Panther corrected more by getting himself driving just along the edge of the road. “Better?”
“Perfect! Now smile!” the blue vixen called back.
Panther didn’t have to try very hard as his joy at this moment was practically palpable. He gave a giant toothy grin just in time to lose control of the car and spin out.
“Wow, nice going Krys” Fox complimented the driver. He had just moments ago pulled himself back into the passenger seat after his escapade with the Amish blimp. “Hey, how did you know he was going to spin out anyway?”
Krystal chuckled. “Easy. I just had him drive right in front of a Volkswagen/Audi mechanic. There was bound to be an oil slick just outside.”
Sure enough, Panther careened down the road as his tires tried in vain to get any sort of grip below him. He flew by a red beetle, a grey Jetta with a tacky vanity plate, and for some reason a godawful Nissan Cube with at least three different colored body panels before somehow crashing into by far the most valuable car in attendance. The unlucky owner was just picking up his car from the mechanic: a bright yellow Ferrari 360 Spider. His look of eager excitement soon turned to one of utter despair, however, as he witnessed the cop car slam into the side of his prized possession. The cheetah sank down to his knees, head in hands, and screamed up to the heavens, “WWWWHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!” for what they had taken from him. His mechanic simply stared on in disbelief before throwing her wrench to the ground and storming back into the shop.
Panther simply giggled to himself from behind the wheel of the smoking wreck. “I did it!”
The unlucky car owner’s scream was so strong and intensely pitched that it managed to rouse Andross from his deep slumber. He woke with a start, completely bewildered by his foreign surroundings. Thanks to the excitement of the police chase, most of the occupants didn’t even notice him at first as he crawled to his knees in the back of the van. Falco did a double take as he saw the doctor staring right back at him only a couple feet away.
“E-excuse me, sir, would you happen to know where-”
“Hey! Slippy! He’s up! The doctor guy, he’s awake!” Falco screamed.
“On it!” the toad called out as he hopped back to re-apprehend Andross.
“Excuse me, but-” the doctor barely managed to get out before he was hit by 240 pounds of amphibian. “Get your hands off of me you scoundrel!” He cried out as he attempted in vain to fight back against Slippy’s superior size and strength. In the struggle, he began to feel a tightening sensation develop in his throat. He instinctively reached for his coat pocket only to realize in horror that his inhaler was not there. Slippy could tell there was something wrong when Andross was no longer attempting to fight him and instead just gripped at his throat and made strange gurgling noises.
“SLIPPY! What did I tell you about injuring the target!?” Krystal erupted.
“It wasn’t my fault, I swear! I barely even touched him!” the toad pleaded. “He just started rolling around and making those weird sounds out of nowhere.”
“ In-ha-ler . In-ha-ler ,” the monkey managed to choke out between wheezing breaths.
“Inhaler? Wait, he has asthma? Fox, did you know about this?” Falco shot at the team’s leader.
“Uhhhhhhhh…”
“He had asthma and you didn’t even know about it?” Falco repeated, beyond belief.
“Well, it didn’t say anything about it on his Arwingpedia page, ok? Look, there’s nothing we can do about it now. Nobody here has an inhaler, and we aren’t about to just turn ourselves into the police after making it this far. You’re supposed to be the smart one, why don’t you figure it out? You have some sort of medical background don’t you?”
“Just because I watch Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t mean I have a medical background. And stop using Arwingpedia! Fandom sites have a dogshit UI and half the information in there is headcanons anyway. Everyone knows that Lylat Wiki is the superior site.” Falco thought frantically about what to do before finally an idea struck his mind. “Does anyone have a pen? I don’t know if this is going to work, but I saw it in a TV show once, so it's worth a shot.”
Fox fumbled around in the glove box until he found a simple ball-point pen and handed it back to the bird. “What are you gonna write the cops a surrender letter or something?”
“No,” Falco insisted, breaking the pen open and discarding everything except for the tube of ink on the inside. “I’m going to open up a new airway so that he can breathe. Slippy, perhaps it's best if you do this. I don’t think I have the strength, or the stomach. I’m going to need you to clear this tube out of ink and then stab it into his throat where I show you.”
Andross’ eyes widened as he began to struggle even harder, but Slippy continued to hold him down with one hand with ease. “Don’t gotta tell me twice.”
The amphibian took the tube in his hand and put it to his lips. What happened next could only be described as divine stupidity. Against all odds, Slippy suddenly turned greener than usual and began to spat out black ink all over himself, Falco, Andross, and the rest of the van.
“You sucked IN!? ” Falco screamed in disbelief. “Why the hell would you suck in!? ”
“Didn’t- want- car get dirty,” Slippy barely managed to choke out. Now he and Andross looked almost like mirror images, both clutching at their throats and choking in unison. The car must have sounded like a late 20th Century Tuberculosis ward.
Falco attempted to grab the now empty tube from Slippy and finish the job, however, Andross was easily able to fight back against the much weaker bird who just managed to rub more ink onto his face and beak.
Meanwhile, Wolf and Leon observed the scene from their cars outside.
“Alright, Powalski, it’s just us now. It looks like there’s some kind of struggle going on inside the car right now, though, so we should proceed with extreme caution,” Wolf radioed to his singular remaining compatriot.
“Roger that, Sarge. Going in cool, calm, and collected. Initiating ‘Zen Mode.’”
“‘Zen Mode?’ Wait, no. Stop. You’re not gonna do that thing again where yo-” Wolf’s response was suddenly cut short as Leon switched his car radio to the off position. He took a deep breath and cleared his mind of all earthly thoughts and desires. His hands lifted from off the steering wheel and came together as he closed his eyes in meditation. The car—now guided by the divine power of fate itself—veered off to the right side of the van. Fox and Krystal watched in awe as the enlightened lizard sailed past them while the trio of ink-stained animals fought behind them.
Leon’s squad car couldn’t go on forever, though, as it eventually found its way to a waiting delivery truck with its ramp down. The right side of the car was far enough over that it made contact with the ramp, causing the vehicle to fly and corkscrew through the air before landing sideways in front of the Pontiac. In order to evade the blockage, Krystal had to make a sharp turn to the left. The gang managed to clear the car, however it resulted in their own vehicle spinning out in the middle of the road. They had almost just made it to their destination. Just across the street from where they lay was the old fireworks factory, directly next door to the Dr. Andross Bowman Center for the Blind, Partially-Blind, Orphans, Blind Orphans, and Partially-Blind Orphans.
At this point, Wolf had finally had enough. He was already angry about having to miss his vacation and the Yo Ma-Ma concert, but this was another level. His entire team had not only been taken out, but been made fools of by Star Fox, the same group that first embarrassed him at the very beginning of his career. They had taken one of the system's most beloved figureheads while he was supposed to be under his watch, and to cap it all off, the heat was just unbearable.
Without putting any thought to the matter, Wolf stepped on the gas. He was ending this right here, right now, one way or another. The occupants of the blue van looked on in helplessness as the cop car bared down upon them. There was only fire in the eyes of the wolf behind its wheel. The bull bars at the end of the cruiser impacted the rear of the van, sending it flying forward. It went sailing through the front gates of the factory before flying into one of the loading bays and disappearing with a loud bang.
In that moment, the gravity of what Wolf had just done hit him like a ton of bricks. He jumped out of his car and stared down at the factory with a sharp inhale. Time stood still as he waited for the fireworks inside to ignite and send the entire place up in flames. But thankfully, as the dust settled, everything remained calm.
The lupine finally let out his breath in relief. “Oh, thank God.”
A mere second later, a loud whirring noise came screaming in from out of nowhere as Freud’s abandoned chopper with Alan’s Amish Blimp impacted the factory, causing an instantaneous massive explosion. The force was enough to knock Wolf into the air and backwards three feet. He looked up only to have to shield his eyes from the most colorful wave of destruction he had ever seen as the entire factory, along with the Dr. Andross Bowman Center for the Blind, Partially-Blind, Orphans, Blind Orphans, and Partially-Blind Orphans next door both went up in an intensely patriotic fireball.
As the main explosion died down, he slowly brought himself back up to his feet. The smell of his own singed fur and burning debris filled the air. Suddenly a young primate came running down the street. “HEEEEELLLLLLPPPP, HEEEEEELLLLLPPPP!” He cried as he made a beeline for Wolf.
It took the young man a few seconds to catch his breath as he finally made it to Wolf. Finally, through constant panting, he spoke to the officer. “My name is Andrew Oikonny. I’m the nephew of Dr. Andross Bowman. My uncle was supposed to appear today for the grand opening of his Dr. Andross Bowman Center for the Blind, Partially-Blind, Orphans, Blind Orphans, and Partially-Blind Orphans, but suddenly news broke that he had been kidnapped. So, I rushed down to the center as quickly as I could and, now, as soon as I arrive, the entire place explodes? Do you have any idea what is going on or where my uncle is?” He pleaded.
Wolf sat there for a while, simply trying to collect his own thoughts and cope with what had just transpired. “Uhhhhhh…” he barely managed to get out before he was mercifully interrupted by the appearance of Panther.
“Hey Sarge, sorry I’m late, I had to jog all the way over from where I crashed out, but I have good news. I think I got a date! Also, what’s with the big explosion? And where’s the van did they get awa-”
He locked eyes with Wolf and saw his thousand yard stare. He pretty much got the gist of what had happened.
“Oh. Oh, no. God, I’m sorry man. But hey, at least the center wasn’t supposed to open until tonight. Thank God nobody was there yet.”
“What do you mean?” Andrew looked at him with a crazed expression. “The grand opening was tonight, but that was only for the press and formalities. The center has been serving patients for at least a month now!”
“So wait,” Wolf gulped. “You’re telling me that all those orphans and blind people and partially blind people and blind orphans, and partially blind orphans…?”
“I bet they didn’t even see it coming,” Panther sighed, solemnly. “Most of them, anyway.”
The somber moment was broken up by the screeching of tires as a new party showed up to the scene. Just moments ago Wolf had thought that things couldn’t possibly get any worse, but it seems he had just proved himself wrong. Chief Shears slammed the door of his detective car behind him as he marched his way to Wolf. The look on his face told him all he needed to know about how the dog was feeling right now.
“O’Donnell!” He yelled as he was still making his way over from across the street. “What is the meaning of all of this?”
“Well, uh, you see, sir, I was making an attempt to apprehend the suspects and, well-”
“You blew the whole place up!? Sergeant, let me ask you something: Do you have any idea what happens to police officers who destroy public and private property, harm innocent civilians, and recklessly disobey orders all in the name of apprehending a target?”
Wolf swallowed hard, but didn’t dare answer. Shears narrowed his eyes as he looked at the Sergeant as if trying to burn a hole through him. “That’s right,” he continued, “two weeks of administrative leave. Paid.”
Wolf was bracing for the worst, but was surprised when it never came. He looked up at the chief to find his hand extended with a sly grin on his face. “I’m sorry, come again, Chief?”
“That’s right, O’Donnell. We’ve been on the trail of the Star Fox team for a long time now and you finally got ‘em. And we didn’t even have to prosecute them or anything. You did good out there today. Enjoy that vacation,” he replied with a wink.
“Aw, gee, thanks, Chief!” Wolf beamed while taking his hand with a firm and eager shake. He turned back over to Panther to see that Leon and Pigma had both since joined up with him. “Leon, Pigma! You guys are ok!”
“Yeah, I’m fine,” Leon shrugged. “When I go into my ‘Zen Mode’ I’m basically invincible you know.”
“And the donut guy felt so bad about his decoration wrecking my car that he let me have a whole dozen on the house,” Pigma said excitedly through bites of the maple bar in his hand.
“And I got a date!” Panther yelled with joy as he thrust his arms into the air.
“Wow, I guess in the end everything worked out for everyone. We even managed to save the day,” Wolf mused as he stepped over a piece of flaming debris. “Alright, bring it in, team. ‘Pork Hole’ on three!”
The four gathered in a circle and placed their fists together in the center.
“One. Two. Three. PORK HOLE!”
The crew all elatedly jumped into the air with one fist outstretched as if posing for a freeze-frame at the end of a movie while Andrew slowly slumped down to his knees next to them and watched the smoldering wreck continue to burn.