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your day begins in pleasant harmony; although, something’s undoubtedly missing.
rather, someone.
the robust aroma of coffee litters the air as you wander the room, imitating the sequence of mundanity your lover usually follows adjusted to your preferences. you smile as you emulate dan heng’s most obstinate ghost, mirroring the languidness of his routine, waking to await his return.
as long as you love him, his lingering will never leave you alone.
where he’s gone this time you’re unable to follow, contact him, or do anything aside sit in somewhat agonizing silence. it’s been made quite clear you’re to stay where the others leaves you: with himeko on the express.
though the risk of danger remains uncertain, dan heng made an explicit request for you to be non-permitted to leave the express for any reason during the time they’re all away.
oddly enough, no one protested. not even himeko, who both admires and respects instances of pure autonomy.
the other trailblazers showed their unwavering support. no one expressed worry for what lay ahead but himeko openly agreed it was perhaps in your best interest to stay aboard this time.
though it was quite strange to see them so united on the whims of dan heng’s request with no elaboration, you bit your tongue and let them be. to you, it was quite obviously a covert collaborative effort.
the seriousness in his eyes told you that it was an endeavor of great importance to him.
it’s been a miserable feat admittedly, carrying on normally without him comfortably at your side. the nights are frigid and oppressive; you cling to his side of your shared bed but you fear muddying the traces of his scent.
the routine of his absence has always resembled some variation of this, but you haven’t yet grown accustom to the habitual but random upticks of missing presence.
you relish in the knowledge that he always comes back. he always comes home, but the time between always feels agonizing.
such are the consequences of contributing nothing but habitation.
you’re not quite like the others inhabiting the astral express, more an unusual and unexpected passenger they took on in an act of grace and good will than an avid explorer, fighter, or navigator.
in truth, you don’t really add anything more than extreme levels of consideration and a flexible sense of humor to the express family. though, you don’t feel inferior to any of the pre-existing residents. you’ve never been suitable for such execution as you see in the others.
most often, you find yourself in spaces, persistent in your lingering until someone requests something of you.
as time went on, you began to believe your companionship was a gift in its own right. your ability and elation to be ever-present. your day to day endeavors are nothing so grand or as striking as the others but it’s quite important to you to learn to call someplace home.
dan heng used to call you the aimless wanderer; you wanted to teach your body to find comfort in settling down.
back then, you had nothing and no one. no anchors to give weight to the concept of staying behind, no ties to sever or keep you from moving on as you please. novelty drove you, all newness and awe. you weren’t sure what you were looking for until you found it.
a journey of endless marvels. delightful happenings, cozy jubilance you so happened to stumble on.
you had no idea that blossoming fondness with a character such as dan heng would send you so willfully soaring through the craters and depths of space while keeping you nestled into a home that leaves everything but you behind.
this is the only home i won’t abandon.
you’ve found your place here. and it’s by the side of all those who dare to call you friend. it’s in pestering pompom with trivial notions until you manage to make them crack a smile.
it’s in the apple of dan heng’s piercing eyes where you wade calmly in his pale seas of blue. sometimes you stare in awe at the dazzling irises as they fade into shimmering emeralds.
novelty and wonder used to drive you. you suppose it’s still true.
now, all the wonder you can possibly hope to discover exists in and around him. dan heng.
the boy who’s a lot more like you than anyone knows. the one who understands what it’s like to live with a fragmented self.
there’s nothing you find more fascinating than the chimerical retellings of sights his curious eyes have seen. it’s in the lore of his past, the remnants of his identity which cannot be attributed to his personhood. he is and is not so many things. asking him a single question is to receive a story as an answer.
it’s only natural with a man such as he, who cradles knowledge and history so closely.
down to the core of his own existence. he’s a man made to hold the weight of memories stretched across time. he feels what it means to be like fathomless time, to be an entity that carries on something close to eternity but only able to be remembered in morsels of itself.
the archives that shape his room attest to even that.
you recall when you first arrived, he agreed to allow you space in his domain. all that his room harbored was records from ceiling to floor. all his tables were covered in piles of random tapes and books. the only thing that made the room seem lived in was the small mat on the floor in the corner which he had called a bed.
you remember telling him that he’s not really living here, either; he’s also only allowing himself space in the domain.
his head had cocked to the side as he asked for elaboration on your statement. you shrugged and told him that he seems like a guest in his own life.
“a guest in my own life?” dan heng asks, eyes disbelieving. “i…”
you rush to reassure him, holding up your palms in both fear and defense. “i don’t mean to insult you! i just…the others don’t have room for me…because they have…too many things…of their own….taking up space…but…all you have…are the records of others…which can and should be kept in a library…of sorts.”
you can’t seem to stop the words flowing from your mouth. though you realize by his facial expression that each following phrase makes the shape of an insult clearer to him than that of an observation, you just keep talking.
when you finally manage to silence yourself, the poor boy appears wounded. but as you observe him more closely, in his eyes you don’t see pain.
you see something indistinguishable from longing.
he doesn’t have things of his own and doesn’t express such worldly desires, but these are the eyes of a man who longs for them nonetheless.
“i…suppose you’re not wrong.” he says softly. “albeit, a bit forward.”
you chuckle weakly, rubbing the back of your neck as you look down. “yeah, i…i get that sometimes. i’ll work on it.”
“no,” he protests softly. “no need. i know you have no ill intent. and i know you’re closer to an unsocialized animal than a person.”
your head snaps up to find him smirking at you before he turns and points to a mat identical to his in the opposite corner of the room.
“that is where you may sleep.”
“hey now, watch it.” you grumble, pointing a threatening finger. “just because i don’t fight doesn’t mean i can’t fight.”
he huffs to hush his own laughter. “i’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”
you smile to yourself as the shard of a memory comes back to you, always as vivid as the day it occurred.
before, you and dan heng were unlikely friends. you spent a lot of time together, a lot of time analyzing and evaluating the other. you both kept categorizing the other’s whims until all that was left was the core of each other. which seemed to be two yearning creatures lingering and looking closely at one another, trading halcyon sighs and tender smiles.
a decided keeper of moments than anything else, you should be able to locate exactly at what point your feelings for him blossomed into such an uncontrolled and enigmatic thing, but you can never discern if it was witnessing his determined gaze and lips fixed into a tight pout as he focused or the way he always let out the softest sigh of unimposed delight at the first sip of freshly brewed tea.
it may even be the way he cutely scrunches his nose in involuntary disgust at the scent of your coffee.
perhaps it’s the way he grips his chin thoughfully as he reads. it may have been the way his smile held a mountain’s weight of contentment as it curved at the sight of a loufou sunset.
maybe it was his bold confession.
your heart did race and your cheeks did fill with heat when he professed that he felt the dynamic between you both was growing past the boundaries of frienship.
ever honest in his admissions, forward just like you, you saw the way you choose to love in the way he chose to communicate his desire for deeper affections.
he made sure to say it in the best way you would understand. as clearly as possible so there was little room for question or doubt.
he had no interest in hiding the ferocity of his feelings, but you know it still took a great deal of bravery for him to do so.
you could see in his eyes that your mirrored confession took just as much courage out of you — it’s possible you found your love for him there in the crux of his consideration.
“do you have a moment?” dan heng’s voice fills the silence around you.
your head lifts from your book and you smile before nodding. “of course, i have endless moments to spare for you.”
he mirrors your warmth, crouching before you. first, his hands rest carefully on your knees; his touch begs for your undivided attention, and you comply. your eyes meet; all the fragilities that live inside your chest tighten.
it’s an act of protection from the intensity of the delight from having his eyes so carefully placed on you coupled with this particular angle in which his head tilts when he’s treasuring something.
“your eyes are pretty today.” you murmur, taking in the pale speckle of blues and grey that rest there.
today his eyes like storm clouds. but no darkness, only diligence.
his voice laced with such obvious and shameless ardor, he bubbles out confidently, “your eyes are pretty everyday.”
“i doubt you asked for my time to flatter me.” you say with a grin, playfully pushing his shoulder. “is everything okay? am i in trouble, perhaps?”
he offers a single nod and an affirmative hum. “everything is fine, and you’re not in trouble. i have a strong dilemma that involves you, though.”
“which is…?”
one hand reaches to softly carress your cheek. “the boundaries of our relationship have surpassed that of friendship but our committments and understanding of our dynamic have not. i believe our archives need updating.”
you don’t speak, only stare at him. it’s an unsurprising confession, but truthfully, you did expect that it’d be you to say the truth of what it was becoming between the two of you.
you lean into his touch, rubbing your cheek softly against his palm. your heart goes wild within its enclosure, a whirlwind of fear, anxiety, anticipation, and unbridled joy. all of it consuming and claiming the entirety of your internal functions.
but you apply a gentle kiss to his hand before sighing out, “it definitely needs updating. lots of new information.”
“should i add today as my first official day as your partner in my personal archives then?” he asks, voice soft and somewhat shy but smile bending to deepen itself even more.
you let out a quiet laugh. “are you going to go back to our room and journal about me?”
a curt nod. “precisely,”
“dear diary,” you mock his voice, feigning a steady, unmoving tone with only the softest of inflections in your speech. “today, she affirmed our romantic affiliations. precise date and time. truthfully, i am…overjoyed.”
with a surprised spark of genuine laughter, he cups your other cheek and leaves a joyful kiss upon your unsuspecting lips. “my lover is as funny as they are obnoxious.”
it could have been the first time he shyly reached to grab your hand, fingertips first before threading each finger carefully. you do remember the swarm and the way they fluttered so elatedly at the feeling of warmth accumulating between your palms, mocking your nervousness and causing a ruckus so your excitement would make a home in your gut right there with him.
it’s quite rare for you to venture with the others outside the express, but dan heng insists. he says the weather in the area during this time is perfect. he says you’re both due for fresh air. he says he wants to watch the sunset.
this stop is short, nothing dangerous or risking misfortune. pompom reasons the stop won’t last for more than a few hours. but dan heng claims he’s far too restless to stay on-board.
the others are roaming around in search of useless knick-knacks and march 7th’s endless endeavor to take good pictures of everywhere they happen to go.
but he’s wrong, uncharacteristically so. it’s chilly while a light wind whips around the air. you’re nearly shivering in only the thin fabric of the cardigan you bring. he seems to notice but he appears distant, perhaps even a bit nervous. more nervous than you usually notate.
“are you sure that you want fresh air, dan heng? it’s getting a bit…cold.” you mumble, shaking your arms out softly. “i forget sometimes you’re warm-blooded.”
dan heng pauses then, looking at you and your tensing frame before taking off his own jacket and covering your arms with it. he hums lightly. “we should head back. it is i who forgets you’re cold-natured.”
ever-observant and aware of his every shift, you note the disappointment in his eyes and tone.
without another thought, you shake your head. “we can keep going for a little while longer. i’m just whining.”
“do you…not enjoy walking with me?”
the look in his eyes wounds you. on one hand, it shouldn’t be surprising that the man who muses on things for musing’s sake would overthink your every word and reaction, but when he does it, it’s a thumping reminder from your heart to your tongue not to be so quick to sharpen at every instance of undesired cirumstance.
you pout. “that’s not what i meant! i love walking with you!”
“are you sure?” he asks, head tilting downward and eyes slightly widening in a way that suggests he’s putting on a front of cuteness for you. “i wouldn’t want to keep you.”
a deep groan as each obiviously manipulative gesture is a bullseye to weakening your resolve. “hey, don’t do that. you know it makes me feel bad.”
“i know.” he says simply.
the pout deepens. “since when have you become like this?”
dan heng hums thoughtfully. “i wonder when, too…now, come.”
he resumes walking, stronger strides that leave you to lightly jog after him. “you know your legs are much longer than mine, right? are you trying to be difficult?”
your hands sway at your sides as you catch up to him. and shortly thereafter, you realize exactly what all of this is about when you feel warm fingers grasping at the tip of your own. you watch him carefully, the way he keeps his eyes locked ahead, watching a silent explosion of vermillion spill across the sky. the roseate hue that appears then spreads across his cheeks and fills his ears in similar fashion.
“not trying to be, no.” he finally mumbles in response.
carefully, you feel his fingers crawl into the spaces of your own. timidly, with slight hesitance but enough fascination and desire to continue their pursuit until your hands are fully laced.
so forward about the existence of his affections and shy about claiming the fruits of their labor.
you grin, squeezing his hand as you tease him. “and yet…you’re the most difficult dragon i’ve ever met.”
there’s a possibility it was the first time he so casually passed you by and left a tender kiss in the center of your forehead as he went along to his work. he never stopped or offered a word, just continued on about his route after his passing affection.
it was the first time you noticed him taking moments with you for himself. so silly of you to feel your heart gulp and soar at the notion that adoring you was becoming something of a habitiual movement.
a gentle knock at your door drags you from all your pondering.
“y/n,” himeko calls softly. “it appears the others are coming home now.”
coming home. god, i love when he comes home.
you smile to yourself, heading to the door to join her in her intention to greet them all back from another wondrous journey. perhaps, the detonation of your unwavering devotion to dan heng can be traced back to a gesture as simple as this.
this being the feeling of belongingness in your chest knowing that in a moment, “welcome home,” will flow from your lips and what will follow is a long embrace in a caccoon of spice and soft cedar.
what will follow is a vow to reconcile the quiet longing that stretched as far as the distance between you.
“do you know where they went off to anyway?”
you notice her uncomfortable shift and avoidance right away. “a small excursion. all that matters is they’re home now.”
“a dangerous excursion?” you question with a lifted brow. “is that why you’re all being so secretive?”
himeko, flustered, laughs nervously. “we’re not being secretive.”
“you are.” a pointed look as you stop your movement and fold your arms over your chest. “himeko, was dan heng risking his precious life again?”
she sighs. “it wasn’t dangerous, but it is a secret and so that’s all i can say.”
you huff, annoyed. “and why is it a secret from only me? you think i don’t see and hear all you guys’ whispers and rendezvous?”
“ever-observant,” she grits with a feigned loving overtone. “look. dan heng went looking for something especially particular and that’s all i can say. nothing more or he’ll be upset.”
suddenly, you smile. “is it perhaps…a gift for me?”
“i shan’t say more.”
you hum, rejoining her at her side. “so it’s a gift that he roped the others into helping him find. he’s orchestrating a surprise for me. very interesting that today just so happens to fall on my one year anniversary of joining the astral express.”
“oh will you quit already!” himeko cries in frustration to which you giggle. “now i see why he said it was of the utmost importance that you not notice our movements in any way.”
a snort. “you could’ve denied it.”
“denial has never deterred you and your pesky questions.”
you shrug. “eh, that much is true.”
she sighs wistfully. “and we were so close to an actual surprise.”
looping your arm around hers, you chuckle and fall into mirrored step as you beam. “i promise i’ll act surprised.”
himeko rolls her eyes, unamused as you hang onto her, but you can only smile lovingly as she guides you into pompom’s parlor.
the instant that you walk in, you’re met with a large crowd of individuals, all of your friends on the navigation crew and each one of the trailblazers huddled together. off to the side, march 7th and stelle cradle an elaborately decorated cake.
at the front of the group, a miniature pompom happily sways as their ears perk and a chorus sounds off at you in surprise.
“happy expressiversary!” they all shout.
you can’t help the roundness in your cheeks as fondness fills them. the weight of your eyes grow heavy as gratitude weaves around each space of your ribs, making your chest tighten.
in the center of them all, just behind pompom, you see dan heng standing quite proudly, a subtle smile on his face as he gazes at you, eyes exultant and bright.
“you guys,” you whisper, your tears spilling over your rims. “you didn’t have to do this.”
pompom clicks their tongue. “of course we did! you’ve been a great and helpful addition to our crew!”
“i don’t really do anything.” you say with a soft laugh. “but this is…lovely. thank you all. i…i didn’t expect this at all. i’m very surprised.”
your phrase must be unconvincing. the moment you say so, himeko’s head falls and dan heng’s eyes narrow in suspicion.
he groans and looks at himeko, “she figured it out didn’t she?”
“i tried to throw her off our trail, but…she’s observant.”
you walk over to dan heng, an expression of pure ardor with your arms held open wide. “it doesn’t matter. it’s such a sweet gesture. it means everything to me.”
i’ve never been celebrated; no one has ever given me a cake. is this what it means to be loved? to be celebrated for simply existing?
“well,” dan heng begins in a tone of defeat, moving past pompom to meet you, “as long as you’re happy.”
and he embraces you with all the love he can muster, limbs wrapped carefully around your frame as he squeezes you and keeps your body close to his own. the scent of him fills your lungs when you breathe in. for the first time since he’s been gone, your shoulders sink in relief.
the security comes back when you do.
“i’m happy.” you assure him. “welcome home.”
he chuckles, his hold tightening even more. “did you miss me?”
“a terrible amount,”
dan heng leaves a gentle kiss to your temple. “i missed you about the same. perhaps, even a bit more.”
“doubtful,”
he pulls back, an incredulous look and a scoff. “excuse you, don’t you know a dragon being separated from their greatest treasure is physically painful to them?”
i’m no dragon, but everything inside me dies when you leave. and blooms back to life when you arrive.
your playful snort. “oh? is that so? were you dying without me?”
“conceptually, yes.”
a roll of the eyes. “you’re so full of it.”
“ah-ah, this is a safe zone and i’ve earned excessively nice partner privilges. tell me thank you and that you love me.”
a feigned sigh of annoyance as you lean back into his chest and smile to yourself. “thank you, dan heng. i love you.”
perhaps it isn’t one particular time that can display the exact moment love blossomed for you. you decide then that it’s the culmination of such. a mess of memories.
there isn’t one moment but many that all melt together into an arduous sea in which you willfully swim, sink and drown within.
“i love you, too.” he whispers. “i’m so happy you’re here.”