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It's hard, being trans. When you didn't notice anything "wrong" or out of the ordinary when you were a kid. Almost all the stories of people (who want to tell them) are similar, at least on one thing: figured it out as a child. But what if you had no problem with dressing up as a princess, colourful dresses, skirts, make-up and so on? Just a normal kid. Okay maybe you fell from a chair when you were little and broke a few teeth. Okay maybe you parents left you alone with your grandparents for most of the time. Okay maybe you got bullied and didn't fit in at school. So what?
How did it all happen? How did you get to this point? How did you figure it out?
Imagine meeting a trans person one day, your parents disliking him and not calling him a 'real' boy. So what
Imagine starting to feel bad and somehow ashamed and wrong about your body when puberty starts. So what? You start eating more, chocolate is tasty, makes bad feeling go away.
Imagine your parents getting worried that you gained a significant amount of weight, taking you to doctors to "scare" you into eating less. Less of your slice of comfort. So what?
Imagine realising you can like girls too. Oh bi people exist! Oh pan people exist! Non-binary people exist! Genderfluid people exist! I might be genderfluid! Wait no. I'm trans. So what?
You tell your parents you're uncomfortable in your body. They blame it on puberty, the hormones, the weight gain.
You tell them you're not comfortable in your gender, that you don't feel like a girl. They blame society, they blame the trans man you met long ago.
You come out as trans to them, tell them your preferred name. They say they don't believe it, that you're still too girly. They tell you not to influence your younger sister. As if that's how that works.
You lost the weight, to the point that you're nearly underweight. You're no longer in contact with the trans man you met so long ago, give up on social media.
Oh yeah, you also told your parents that you're gay, might as well get both done in one go? Right?
"You'll never find someone to love you, no gay man wants a 'fake' boy. Only people with some kind of fetish might want to get with you, never anything serious." Is what they said.
Why is everything so hard?
-----
Scara feels sick of himself. He had a boyfriend, at some point. And now he believes that maybe his parents were right. He never saw Scara as a guy. Was it because Scara wasn't (and still isn't) athletic? Or was it just a tryout? If that were the case, then weird, because he wasn't exactly interested in sex. Or. Well. Yes and no. As much interested as Scara was. Can't be blamed for that? Right?
Scara tries to be someone else, stops being an overachiever at school. He convinced himself that it was to change, but in truth, he couldn't keep up with it anymore. He found other things to do, found refuge in reading, and games. The reading only made him more and more lonely. That's on him for reading things that he could never have. Romance between cis teenage boys was such a comfort and yet such a hurt. He convinced himself that he didn't want anyone, or at least he tried to, but if he doesn't want anyone then why does he feel so alone? He's in love with the idea of him, a friend of his, forever unreachable. Not by some barrier, or distance. Simply an unrequited thing.
Scara sometimes thinks out loud, speaking before thinking. Yet his friends don't mind. They say they're there, yet Scara can feel the distance growing. He used to have a best friend, seeing him every single day. He'd been with him since day one at a new school. The only school where he didn't get bullied. They both knew what bullying was like, so they looked out for each other. He was the first person that Scara came out to. That was years ago. The friend didn't pass one year and changed schools, along with another friend. Now so far. The friend then left a group chat that they had, a group bound together. Now falling apart. Barely any contact at all, even if they live so close to each other.
Scara is scared. He doesn't want to continue, doesn't know how to. His parents don't acknowledge him, yet they say they love him unconditionally. That they would always be there to support him. He doesn't believe them.
Scara doesn't think he'll make it to 18. He gives up on any form of future. He can no longer picture it. When the question is asked, his mind if blank. Or worse. Filled with flashes of painful memories. Filled with flashes of unresolved disputes in his family. Filled with pain. He much rather has it so that his mind is blank. He'll wait it out, for now.
Scara picks up gaming, a lot more than before.
That's how they meet.
-----
It's exam period and what better way is there than to spend the extra time given by the school to prepare for the exams, than to game? He'd joined a community before, one in which the users got to roleplay the characters. He wasn't sure about joining at first, but decided 'why not?'. It's not like it's going to have that much of an impact. His favourite character, one he sympathises with the most, one who he relates to in some ways, was still free to get. Don't get him wrong, he didn't exactly like the way the character acted in the game, quite the mean person, but he found himself in the pain. He roleplayed a downplayed version of how mean the character originally is. Too kind in his heart to do it any other way.
The community needs more people, Scara searches for someone to complete his favourite ship. While he didn't ship anyone with this character at first, it grew onto him like vines grow on trees, of hedges, or walls. The latter being broken down by their natural beauty. Defeating the strong foundations, the adhesive holding every brick together. Forming cracks where some light might slip through, further strengthening the vine.
He meets someone, quite accidentally. He'd stopped looking, started to lose himself in the game. Trying to forget the exams and his upcoming 18th birthday.
Such a kindhearted soul, he thinks. At first intimidated, perhaps. He doesn't like to admit it. He invited the other player to the community. They chatted online. Flirted, in character of course. Right?
They discovered that they can play other games together too. They decide to call, the other one calls it a 'date'. Why is Scara so excited.
But wait. Scara is trans. His voice doesn't sounds at all masculine at the moment. He has to tell the other. Doesn't want to. Considers saying he can't play anymore, can't call, can't talk. No that's wrong. Just tell him. And he did. It went totally fine.
If there was a way to explain it all, without a word, Scara would never speak again. He hates the way he sounds, so wrong from his mental image. Yet, weirdly. So weirdly. He loves singing, he loves songs, he loves music. Doesn't feel like he'd ever have the talent to make music himself (to be fair he doesn't feel like he could do anything), but he continues to sing. With the music so loud that he can barely hear himself. So loud that in his mind, his voice merges with the voice of the singer, feeling like he could speak for some time. For as long as the song lasts. Only the words of the singer though. Never his own.
They started the call. An awkward silence. An awkward greeting. A casual yet tense exchange of names. Scara said the name Kazuha for the first time. He'd heard of the name before, reminds him of an angel. Kazuha said he's one of the few people who pronounce his name correctly. Scara feels proud of himself. How long has it been since he last felt it?
They call. They stay up late, talking, listening to songs, half-watching shows. They enjoy each other's company. Over text they talk more, they stay up late, they flirt. Just in character. Right.
Scara made it to the new year. He drunkenly asks Kazuha out, in call, but not speaking, texting, then speaking, but also texting. Half of him expects Kazuha to turn him down, to reveal he has a partner and that the flirting was only a part of Scara's imagination. Ready to be turned down. The other half thinks that he shouldn't ask at all, that this was a stupid idea. Hopes to turn back time, not prepared for rejection. And impossibly, Kazuha answers, not with a no, but with a yes. Scara could barely believe it. But he was also too tired, and drunk, to think too much of it. Maybe some kind of sick fever dream, or one of those in which he's happy.
Scara wakes up. He and Kazuha are still together. Scara is feeling perplexed, is it really? He's scared of this new and fragile bond. Maybe he should have waited longer.
Scara turns 18 not long after new year.
...
What is he supposed to do now?
-----
Several months have passed and Scara still can't believe how lucky he is to have someone like Kazuha. Sure, they had their differences, their disputes, their problems. But doesn't everyone. Scara is truly starting to belive that everything might actually turn out great. He spends almost every day with Kazuha by his side, and he wouldn't have it any other way.
Kazuha tries his best. Scara is so aware of this. He tries to understand Scara and see beyond his pain. He says he's here if Scara ever needs someone to talk to, not knowing that all Scara ever wants to talk about is him. The way he feels around him. Yet he can't. Every time he tries to express his emotions, his love for Kazuha, it feels to him as though words aren't enough to describe it. Suck a warmth in his chest, such a warmth.
They've been working on Scara, and how he's shit at taking care of himself. Happens when you thought you wouldn't make it to 18 and then 'suddenly' being that age. Without any proper routine of way of life, still not eating properly either. Life tends to surprise you when you close your eyes to it, not always in a good way. Though perhaps it is a good thing, that Scara made it this far, he starts to think.
It's hard, when you're trans. Everything you do, everything you believe, everything you don't do, everything you don't believe is tainted by dysphoria. Maybe it's not always the case, but it is so in Scara's case. He doesn't even feel worth the title. It's like part of being trans involves such a hate for every part of your body. While that is the case with most of Scara's body, he feels like fake because he doesn't completely hate, well, not having a dick.
Dysphoria and guilt. Feeling like an impostor can overwhelm a person. Not even all three of those need to be present in order to be overwhelmed, so all three feels like too much on top of too much. A torn ligament and a broken bone.
-----
Kazuha comes home one day. Yes, home. Scara couldn't believe it at first either, still thinking he might wake up any moment from this dream. The little home they built together, small souvenirs all over the place, a kitchen where his lover cooks him delicious meals. A cozy and comfortable living room where they lay to watch movies on the couch, cuddling. Paying more attention to each other than to the movie they've already seen so many times. A comfort to Scara. A comfort to Kazuha.
Scara was in their bedroom, underneath the covers. Kazuha didn't realise it at first, but Scara was shivering. Not because of the cold, it wasn't cold at all. He was crying, and from the look on his face he hadn't just started recently, no. Scara had the look of someone who's been crying for hours. His eyes glassy, his head heavy, his limbs numb, piles of paper towels distracted on the bed and flooring.
"What's wrong, my love? Kazuha asked him while he tossed his bag aside and crouched down beside their bed so that they could meet eye to eye. Scara didn't answer, drew the covers closer to himself, clutching his heart as if in pain.
"Are you in pain? Are you hurt? Do you need me to call emergency services?" Kazuha started to panic, he wanted to help Scara and if he was in pain he would even carry him all the way to the hospital on foot.
"No..." Scara said softly after a few moments. "I mean yes, but no." He continued.
"Want me to bring you something to drink? Some water? Apple juice? Cold milk?"
"You make it sound like I'm a little kid." Scara managed a smile. "Some water." When Kazuha got up to go get him a glass of water he heard Scara behind him mumbling about bringing him a glass of cold milk afterwards.
When Kazuha returned from the kitchen with a glass of water Scara wasn't laying in bed anymore. He was sitting up, wiping tears from his eyes. Or just wiping his eyes. Or both.
"What happened, why were you crying?" Kazuha asked him as he handed his lover the glass of water and sat down beside him.
A single word was enough to explain it all. It was enough, but it also wasn't. Kazuha wished he knew exactly what the word meant, knew the ins and outs and it's working. How and where and when it affecter Scara. But he didn't. He didn't know. He'd learned a lot over the years they've been together, but it's never quite enough. An enemy that changes with time and what you thought you knew is not only false but not working against you. A weakness becoming a strength.
"Dysphoria." Scara downed his glass of water and handed it back to Kazuha. Kazuha made a move to go fetch that glass of milk that Scara had mentioned, only to be stopped by him.
"Don't go. Stay here, please."
How could Kazuha not comply, he stayed with Scara, took him into a hug. Scara started to cry again. Kazuha felt guilty for making him cry again. He says it's not Kazuha's fault. Kazuha knows this, but is still hurt by the image of his lover crying in his arms. He lets go of Scara for a second. and goes to the closet to change. He took some a pair of pyjamas for Scara as well. They changed together.
He took Scara to the kitchen. It was evening, night, bedtime, but he had a feeling that Scara hadn't eaten dinner. They made eggs together. Scara drank the glass of milk. They went back to their bedroom.
Kazuha turned on the tv. He put one of Scara's favourite movies on. They got under the covers together. They snuggled while watching the movie. While not often, the characters on the screen kissed. So did the two lovers.
With a flicker on the screen. Scara felt Kazuha next to him. He felt that, he could finally breathe. Not that he'd been holding his breath or had trouble breathing. He just felt himself relax. He felt exhausted, not just tired but exhausted. They kiss. He feels his heart beating faster.
It all starts slow. A slow, but tender kiss on his lips. One on his temple. One on his forehead. His cheek. His ear.
-----
It always starts slow, but never ends slow. Well, one could say the aftercare and cuddles are slow, but not nearly as slow as the start. Where everything you want is for it to go faster, but not accelerate in the slightest. So right, so wrong. So warm yet still too cold.
"Why didn't you call me to tell me you weren't alright?" Kazuha asks gently.
"I didn't want to disturb you, and besides that... I didn't think it would get this- eh... bad." Scara replied, somehow still a little out of breath.
"I'm always here for you my love."
"I know." Scara snuggles closer to Kazuha.
"I'm glad you know." Kazuha kisses him on the forehead.
"It's hard." Scara says.
"To ask for help? Or do you mean me?" Kazuha half-jokingly replies.
"You-!" Scara turns red. He didn't get to finish his sentence before Kazuha interrupted him: "Ah me. I see, good thing you know how to ask for help when you need it."
"Stop it." Scara says.
"You're shy now? I was literally inside you a moment ago." Kazuha replies.
Scara lets out a sigh and rests his head on Kazuha's chest.
"I just- I need to understand when I can power through... and when I need some help from you. And most of the time it's a very fine line. I only figure it out when it's too late."
"It's alright. I'm here now. And I'll always be here for you. No matter what."
"Thank you, Kazuha."
I love you.