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Sometimes, things start off roughly. Unfortunately for Tan, this seemed to be how most things for him began. Someone who is quick to violence is someone who would end up like him. He had friends, he even had girlfriends, but never a clear conscience. There was a long list of people who deserved an apology from him. Eventually, he would be able to work through the names after some more reflection. His friends could ridicule him over and over again, but nothing they said motivated Tan to change, instead just slightly altered the side of himself that the group saw. It wasn’t that he wasn’t aware of these behaviors, or that he didn’t know they were immoral, it’s just that he couldn’t find a real reason to change himself. Tan didn’t like being a person who got into fights or being a person who was labeled a playboy by his own friends, but it was who he was and how he lived, so why would he suddenly change?
Out of all the people Tan had accumulated against him, Fang and Phum were the only ones to have ever turned into his friends. They didn’t talk much, but there was no malice between them either. Something about Fang did change Tan. After the day of resolution, he didn’t care much to start fights. It was like something in his mind had suddenly clicked, he now had that bit of motivation to change.
They didn’t see each other much, but when they did Fang always felt the guilt wave wash over his body. He might’ve not thrown the first punch, but he did egg Fang on, and he knew nothing good was going to happen from that. He certainly didn’t need to punch him back and then proceed to lie about his injuries to his friends. There was no rhyme or reason for any of it.
Neither of them brought it up directly. It wasn’t necessarily forbidden, but it also was not something Tan or Fang wanted to talk about. Despite the uncomfortable nature of being the one to bring their initial meeting up first, Tan needed to apologize. Every time he saw or even thought of Fang he got mad at himself all over again. It’s like he simply lacked control over his actions and now he had to spend his life attempting to apologize for each individual mistake he had made while he was unconscious.
That’s where he was right now. He didn’t plan on meeting Fang today, and hadn’t thought about any of these things until this moment.
“Hey.” Fang greeted.
Tan blinked to meet Fang’s eyes, “Hey.” He honestly wasn’t sure how he ended up in this position. It’s like he had once again lost consciousness and suddenly had woken up in front of Fang, “I wanted to tell you something.” Fang becomes visibly tense upon hearing this but silently nods in response. “I’m sorry.”
Fang pauses as if he is waiting to hear more. After a few seconds of awkward silence and Tan’s anxiety increasing at an alarmingly fast level, Fang speaks again, “For what?”
Was this not on Fang’s mind as much as it was on Tan’s? Was it really possible that he had completely forgotten, no way. “For punching you,” Tan explained.
The look in Fang’s eyes is one Tan could recognize from himself; it was guilt, “I hit you first.”
This wasn’t how Tan was expecting this conversation to go. He had thought of several possible outcomes, and this was not one of them. Tan had imagined Fang becoming irritated at the mention of the fight, he had imagined Fang quickly moving on from the subject, he had thought of at least 10 ways Fang would decline his apology and 10 ways Fang would accept it. But what was this? “What?” Tan paused, “I pissed you off on purpose.”
Fang retorted, “I should’ve controlled myself.”
Tan couldn’t believe that this had turned into an argument about who was truly at fault, especially when he had already accepted the fact that it was his own. He had worked up the confidence to do this, he had put serious thought into this and he was not going to lose, “I hit you too.”
“Yes, after I hit you,” he replied.
“You were just asking me a question,” Tan argued.
“At first,” Fang disputed.
Tan debated further, “I should’ve just answered the question.”
“It was an obvious answer.”
“Which is why I should’ve just answered it.”
“I could’ve found it out myself.”
“But you asked me.”
Fang closes his mouth and his eyebrows scrunch together, his gaze averted and they once again stood there in awkward silence.
Tan feels a bit embarrassed by the quiet, “That’s all I wanted to say.”
Fang nods, seemingly accepting the loss, “Don’t overthink it. We are friends now.”