Chapter Text
“Do you think about the day we met?”
“Well, you don’t remember it, so I suppose one of us has to,” Jiaoqiu said, and Feixiao gave him a playful push, not enough to move him but enough to make it clear she disapproved of his flippant comment. “Why are you asking this when we should be sleeping because you have a big potentially war winning campaign to start tomorrow morning?”
“Just wondering if we’re ever going to get tired of this,” she said, curling up around him again. “Should it be old by now? I’ve heard that’s how it is with some long-life species. They don’t get divorced, but they stop feeling anything for their spouses.”
“I’d say you’ve been drinking again, but I know that’s not true,” he said, shifting so he could get a better look at her. “What brought all this on? Some new recruit scared to go out and die? A change in orders you conveniently forgot to tell me about? We already had that other kind of scare last week, so it’s not that. You’re still not pregnant, so we’re not worrying there, but something is clearly bothering you. You don’t usually hold back, though.”
“Just curious. I don’t think I’d ever stop feeling something for you, but you’re older than me. What if you get tired of me?”
“Ha, as if you’d let me.”
She shook her head. “You know very well I never forced you to feel anything for me. You even tried very hard not to and tried to tell me I didn’t feel anything, either. I just made it clear where I stood and what I wanted. You decided you wanted the same thing.”
“I don’t think it’s exactly the same,” he said, smiling with amusement. “After all, what I got was a very beautiful, very strong woman who defeats abominations like they’re cheap IPC mechs, and what you got was a failed healer who can cook a little.”
“You still use that tired line. You should know better by now.” She reached for his ears. “What I got was a very funny, very talented man who can patch up my wounds while feeding me incredible food, has better battle strategy than most of the generals I’ve been forced to work with, and has yet to disappoint me in bed because he’s a very generous, very inventive lover.”
“You keep trying to make it sound like you got the better deal, but we both know that’s not true.”
“What exactly did you get besides someone who can swing an axe?”
“Why does the whole fox only count when you’re talking about me?” Jiaoqiu countered. Sure, Feixiao had her share of flaws and annoying habits, and he still hated just how willing she was to risk her life if it meant she could protect him or her troops, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t worth it. She knew she was.
“Why is it so hard for you to find something else you like about me?”
“Because I like nearly everything.”
“Oh, now that was quick and smooth.”
“Yep. Need to be quick and efficient since you’re still not admitting what’s bothering you and you’re going to try and turn that into something else and distract us with sex,” he said, watching her frown because he knew her too well by now. “This is because we both know what’s coming now. You’re getting promoted again. You’ll be Arbiter General when we get back to the Yaoqing.”
She started playing with the fur in his tail. “I can do the job. That doesn’t worry me. I might hate it. There’s a lot more to do than just leading the fight. It’s still most of what I’ll do, but it’s not all of it. I’ll be responsible for a lot more people than before.”
“You still feel guilty about the ones you couldn’t protect.”
“As if I’m the only one.”
“We’re not talking about me right now. You’re talking about you. We’ve spent way too much time on my issues as it is,” Jiaoqiu said, grimacing at the thought. He shook his head. “No, no shifting the conversation to me and my long list of faults. You’re about to face a major change in your life, and that is not something we should ignore.”
“I’m not.” She shifted so she was looking down at him. “I don’t want the job because I like what we have now. I can take care of the people I have, I’ve got you with me, and I don’t have to mess around with politics. I can do the job, but even with the goal of dragging all those old enemies out of the shadows, it’s a lot more hassle than I want.”
“Well, seeing as you dragged me out of retirement when I didn’t want to—”
“Are you still holding that against me? That was over thirty years ago now.”
“You’re funny acting like I would just forget and let it go,” he said, shaking his head. “I love you, but no. That doesn’t get overlooked just because time has passed. I mean, it just can’t be. If you hadn’t dragged me back to war, none of this would be happening now. We both know that.”
She nodded. “We’d both be dead, and a lot of others, too.”
“Oh, sure, go and twist it into a good thing.”
“It is,” Feixiao said, fighting laughter, “and now who is distracting us?”
He was. He closed his eyes for a moment. “We will end up splitting. Zĭháo has been designated as your successor, and Kě xīn hasn’t been willing to be far from him since he saved her life, so they won’t be with us going forward. Fang Dongmei is probably better off settling back on the Yaoqing with us as much as she keeps saying she doesn’t want to rot around waiting for the Hall of Karma, Moze is still technically your other watcher, and Baimei…”
“Where she goes now is her choice. Even if Kě xīn got the job that should have been hers.”
Jiaoqiu nodded. Baimei had fought hard to prove herself, and she should have earned her place as chief alchemist, but as soon as Feixiao got promoted and Jiaoqiu with her, the same biased idiots had passed her over for Kě xīn. Not to say that Kě xīn wasn’t a talented healer in her right by now, but it still wasn’t fair and they all knew it.
“Yes. She can decide.”
She reached over and touched his head again. “I think you’re more worried than I am. Again. Are you going to be able to sleep?”
“If I say no, are you going to wear me out again?”
She smiled. “I hardly need an excuse to do that, now do I?”
“She’s hardly going to die on you right before she gets promoted.”
Jiaoqiu grimaced, shaking his head. He actually felt like it was more likely at this point, but he didn’t want to discuss that with Baimei. His first student was still arguably his favorite, despite him not wanting a student in the first place, and she did consider him a mentor and father figure, but he still didn’t confide in her. That was just not who he was.
“Are you worried they’re going to try and kill her again so she can’t become the arbiter general?” Baimei asked, frowning. “That’s it, isn’t it? You think they’ll try again like last time. Will it be as bad as before, when they killed almost the entire camp, too? If I go with you and her back to Yaoqing, am I condemning them to die again?”
He looked over at her. “You want to go to the Yaoqing?”
Baimei shrugged. “I don’t know that I want to, but it’s not like I really want to be here, either. Kě xīn got the chief alchemist spot despite everything. I know she’s good, but it’s hard for me to be happy for her. It feels like a slap in the face to me. I was here first. I put in just as much work—more than her, even—and I am still losing out because I have Borisin blood. I’d rather not have the constant reminder by being here, and she’s got good helpers since now our alchemy tent is respectable with a Vidyadhara at the head of it.”
He put a hand on her head. “Well, if it makes you feel any better, I play favorites and you’re it.”
Baimei laughed, shaking her head. “You do not. You’ve never taken sides in my rivalry with Kě xīn except to groan and tell us to have Fang Dongmei decide, and that’s not even taking sides, it’s just foisting us off on her again.”
“It’s an excellent teaching strategy.”
“No, it’s not, but I know why you do it. I don’t even mean to be as annoying as I am, but I have always needed to prove myself.”
“You already have to me. If I were in charge of the decision, the tent would have been yours. In my mind, it was always meant to be. I was only watching over it until you were ready.” He shook his head. “Kě xīn is good, and I’m not dismissing her skill, but it was always my intention to turn it over to you when the time came that I got to leave.”
“Okay, now I know you’re worried. You’re being serious.” Baimei closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. “She’ll be fine. She’s stronger than all of them, and didn’t you say you suspected that since her family survived the poison at Guangxi, she’s even stronger because of it? That’s why Zĭháo made it, too, since his family was also there, though it was further back in his line than hers.”
“That’s an unsubstantiated theory. I’ve got no proof of that.”
Baimei shook her head. “It’s not really something you can prove since few people survived Guangxi in the first place. Those that did have mostly died off since, and the ones who didn’t don’t talk about it even with their descendants. Plus it would be hard to test in the first place because people are all different and you refuse to experiment on anyone so you don’t test anything other than recipes.”
“Is there an actual point to this conversation?”
“No,” she said, holding out a candy to him. “I’m just passing the time, same as you, since I hate waiting and would rather be out here with you than in there with Kě xīn. I don’t hate her, but having her give me orders is just so… infuriating.”
He nodded, accepting the candy. “Even after all these years, waiting is still the worst part.”
Any good commander checked on their troops after a battle, and Feixiao didn’t figure she was the worst one, though she would admit to wanting to rush through looking over the camp. Her people were all tired, most of them already in bed after the battle, not even bothering to celebrate their victory, though some were, and poor Zĭháo was stuck in the middle of that. She had avoided it again by being one of the last to get back, so she could make her rounds in peace, passing through the barracks and then the mess hall before reaching her true destination.
She stepped inside the alchemy tent to see most of the patients already treated and gone except for the few that needed more care, and Kě xīn was with them. She smiled tiredly and went back to work, and Feixiao didn’t disturb her.
She made her way past where Fang Dongmei had fallen asleep and over to the last part of the tent where Baimei was in the process of putting away their supplies.
“He was worried about you. He won’t admit it, but he was.”
Feixiao nodded. She knew he worried, that hadn’t ever changed, and she knew it wasn’t easy for him to watch her go off to battle no matter how successful it might end up being. “I take it he’s off sleeping already?”
“Over there. He collapsed after a long surgery again.” Baimei looked back at her. “The patient didn’t make it.”
Feixiao grimaced. Of course losses were to be expected. No matter how much they trained or how good their plans were or how careful they were, death was a fact of life even without war, but in war, it was all too common. Still, it was never easy to hear about one, and even harder for someone like Jiaoqiu, who had done his best to save that life.
“I heard from Ming Bo earlier,” Baimei said, and Feixiao looked over at her, frowning slightly. “He sent a picture of his grandson. Funny, isn’t it? He’s already got grandkids. The baby is adorable.”
“Are you—”
“I’m fine. I got over him a long time ago. I only mentioned it because I figure times like this are when you need to be reminded of the lives you save, too. More Jiaoqiu than you, but it doesn’t hurt to tell you, too.”
Feixiao nodded. “Yes. Don’t forget to get some rest yourself.”
Baimei forced a smile and went back to her task, organizing the shelf as she put everything away. It must have been chaotic in here earlier. She went over to the cot in the back, kneeling down next to her husband. True, she could just let him sleep it off here, but since he tended to have worse nightmares after any battles, she didn’t like doing that.
She put her hand on his head, combing back some of his hair. He stirred, opening his eyes slightly. “Oh. Dreaming again. Never mind.”
She laughed. “No, you’re not. I’m back, and I promise to let my personal physician examine every part of me he wishes for wounds. I happen to know how strongly he feels about my skin tone, after all.”
“Really? It’s been over thirty years and you won’t let that go?”
She shook her head. “Not a chance. It was cute.”
He muttered his usual comment about cute being for babies, or so she assumed, but since he’d turned away into the pillow, it was hard to make it out.
“You want to walk with me or should I carry you?”
“I’ll walk. Allow me to have some dignity, please,” he said, though he did take hold of her arm and let her help him get to his feet. “I don’t want to ask, do I?”
“No, but Baimei says Ming Bo has an adorable grandson. She’s going to forward the pictures to us later.”
“Ugh, you’re going to make me feel old.”
“Then I’ll have to make it a point to prove you’re still young.”
He gave her a tired smile. “Raincheck on that one, my dear general. I’m far too tired for that right now. As soon as I make sure you’re not hurt, I’m going to pass out again.”
She took him by the hand. “Come on, then. I’ll let you get a good look.”
“Come on,” Baimei groaned. “You two have a tent of your own. Just go to it already.”
“Oh, but the day isn’t complete without traumatizing the children,” Jiaoqiu told her, and she glared at him as Feixiao pulled him away. She was actually glad Baimei would be coming with them when they left for the Yaoqing. The father-daughter squabbles were always entertaining, and she liked knowing Baimei was also watching out for Jiaoqiu when Feixiao was gone.
She led him into their tent and stripped off her armor, not wanting to wear it anymore and knowing it was just going to get in the way of what she needed to do now. She finished and went back to his side, seeing the haunted look in his eyes again.
“You came back. My patient died, but… you’re here. You’re back.”
She nodded, pulling him close to her. This was what she wanted anyway, but he needed it right now. “I’m always going to come back to you. I promised you that a long time ago. That, and if you ran, I’d hunt you down.”
He laughed, but his humor was short-lived. “You’d think after thirty years, this would get easier, but it’s not. It’s almost the same as the first time I saw you come back all covered in blood.”
Of all the things that hadn’t changed since they got married, she actually wished that was one of them. She didn’t want him suffering, worrying about her when she was on the battlefield, or feeling guilty when he couldn’t save someone.
“They’re about to give me a desk job, remember? This part is almost over.”
He snorted. “We’re just going to a different war, that’s all.”