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The room is the loudest it’s been in months. James pulled out Remus’ record player from under his bed where it had been collecting dust and put on some Bowie while he got ready, loudly singing along. Peter is standing in front of the mirror changing his tie a million different colors and is asking Remus’ opinion on each one, he thinks they all look fine. Remus is begrudgingly getting ready for the dance himself after a very enthusiastic James begged and pleaded for him to go because “You wouldn’t miss my first dance with Lily would you Moons?” and, no, he wouldn’t. James has wanted this for so long and Remus is one of his best mates who has seen him through it all, and goddammit he is not going to miss the culmination of the countless hours he has spent listening to James pine and the many schemes he has helped him plan to win over the redhead. So, Remus is going to the stupid dance.
Remus didn’t spend long getting ready, he didn’t have a date. Let alone someone to impress. He threw on his dress robes and vaguely tugged on his hair in the mirror so it didn’t look completely tragic. Beyond that, however, he is content to watch his friends stress over their own ensembles to look good for their respective dates. He even smiles at the scene before him, a love for his friends that he hasn’t felt for what feels like forever blankets over the cold, distant, feeling he has allowed to take over in recent weeks. James belts It Ain’t Easy as he prods at his hair with his wand, occasionally pointing it toward Remus to finish the lyric and he complies. Peter even joins in after settling on a tie color but is now wondering if he should wear his other set of dress robes. It’s nice, and it’s the most normal he has felt in a while.
Remus’ smile fades though when Lady Stardust comes on over the record player and the cold comes back in full force.
People stared at the makeup on his face
Laughed at his long black hair, his animal grace
It’s like a ghost has walked into the room, a harsh reminder of what was, that there is something missing. Not just something, someone.
Sirius is nowhere to be found. Not belting with James to the music, or telling Peter he is an arrogant prick for being so obsessed with a tie.
Of course, Sirius is not here because he knows Remus does not want him here. For the most part, Sirius has made himself as scarce as possible since the incident nearly three months ago when he nearly killed Snape and by proxy, nearly made Remus a murderer. Even thinking of the memory makes Remus feel hollow and sick with the want to rip his own insides out.
At first, Remus was numb. Sirius would follow him around the castle like a lost dog, begging Remus to understand, begging him for his forgiveness. But Remus felt nothing and succumbed to the darkness of what could have been. He didn’t even have the strength to do anything but ignore the cries, allowing Sirius to follow because Remus didn’t feel human enough to speak. Then, one day, a switch flipped while Sirius trailed him. Remus walked them to an alcove and whirled around to face the black-haired boy.
“Listen to me when I say this and I will only say it once,” Remus said with a voice so full of ice it was unrecognizable to even him, raw from underuse. Sirius looked at him with wide, shocked, eyes. “What you did that night, no matter your intention, was the worst possible thing you could have done to me. Do you understand? I gave you everything, every part of me and you gave it away the very second you could. You do not deserve my forgiveness and I will not let you have it anyway because the guilt you feel right now? It pales in comparison to the utter betrayal, disgust, and anger I feel. I. Hate. You. So stop following me and stop saying you are sorry because it isn’t worth a fucking thing.” Remus finished, his chest heaving. He had never seen Sirius look so broken and quite frankly… so scared. Remus in that moment, who had turned into a vast hole of nothingness, couldn’t find any part of himself let alone a part that once might have cracked in his resolve to wipe the tears off Sirius’ cheeks, to care. Instead, Remus broke eye contact with Sirius and muttered “So stay the fuck away from me Black.” before disappearing into the castle.
After that he barely saw Sirius. At first there was tension every time Sirius entered the room, the silence that replaced sarcastic comments and secrets permeated between them and suffocated Remus. His deep hurt encompassed him and he felt frustrated by the residual intense longing that was buried underneath it all.
But time passed and Remus knew James and Peter had made up with Sirius. He knows they would see him, though they did attempt to hide it. They never brought up the black-haired boy, and even James Everyone-Should-Get-Along Potter never suggested to Remus he try to speak to Sirius. So they were fractured, and Remus was unsure if it could be repaired.
Lady Stardust continued to play in the room and the cold feeling mingled with a new feeling that Remus could only recognize as a sort of guilt. Peter is still struggling to get ready and James has this perpetual idiotic smile on his face and Sirius should be here. Remus still hasn’t forgiven Sirius, he is unsure if he even can. This betrayal, done at the hand of Sirius… Remus is unsure if anything could have hurt him more. He even found himself in darker moments wondering if death would have been easier. At least it would have been final. But this… it’s always there. Even in recent weeks where Sirius’ presence hasn’t felt like a knife to his gut but has instead become a reminder of an old and nasty wound; Remus has found himself thinking that the residual pain is worse in many ways because it leaves the possibility that maybe it can’t get better. As if the moment Sirius allowed Remus’ secret to leave his mouth and onward, they were destined to be strangers. The scar that action left behind is the largest one Remus carries because there was a moment in time not long before that, where Remus thought they could be much much more.
Remus can’t help but know that he is the reason things are like this, stilted and uncomfortable, even if much of the blame can land on Sirius. And in this moment with his friends, he misses Sirius too. He misses the past, the ‘what-if’, and the boy he thought he knew. He feels guilt, sadness, anger, and longing, and in all of that, he only allows himself to feel nothing.
“Hey hey hey!” James’ shouts pull Remus out of his thoughts. “No being sad, ‘tis the night of the fated Spring ball!”
“I’m sure there are lots of sorry, dateless, sods such as I that would beg to differ,” Remus counters. James frowns.
“You are not sorry nor are you dateless.”
“Oh? And who is my supposed date then?”
“Well me of course.”
“Oh right. So Lily’s yes was wishful thinking after all?”
James bristles at this. “No no, that was very much real. But even if you are being especially rude tonight, you are my date as well. I can’t have my friend being all lonely in some corner that would just make me look bad.”
Remus allows a smile to creep back onto his face. James, ever the gentleman. “Well this is quite a late invitation, I would have at least put a little more effort into my hair had I known.”
“I think you look positively dashing Moony.”
“I second that!” Peter chimes in.
“Thank you, lads,” Remus murmurs. The record clicks to the end and the room is filled with silence again, the silence that has taken up residence for far too long. “I kind of wish he was here you know,” Remus whispers toward his feet where he is leaning against his bed frame. When he dares to look up he is met with identical looks of shock from the other two, Remus hadn’t even brought up the idea of Sirius since the morning after the incident occurred. James shakes his head.
“Yeah,” James whispers as well. “I miss him too. I mean… I miss how it used to be.” Peter nods in agreement to James’ words.
“I guess I just… I don’t know how to forgive him. I don’t know if I can,” it’s a loaded statement.
James looks at Remus intently and crosses the room to put a hand on his arm. “Maybe your want to forgive him is enough.”
Remus looks away from James’ gaze but doesn’t shrug off his hold. “Even if I forgive him, I don’t know if it’ll ever be the same as before.”
“It probably won’t be,” James says with finality. “This… what Sirius did Remus, it changed us. All of us. It changed us as friends and as people. We won’t be who we were before that night, but maybe we will be better for it.” Remus nods, the way James puts it is comforting. Hopeful. And Remus hasn’t felt much hope in a while. James nods back, walks over to Peter, and slings an arm around his shoulders. “Ok, officially no more being sad. Pete here has a date with the illustrious Mary Macdonald and I will officially go on my first date with the most beautiful girl at Hogwarts with my wingman Moony by my side. Tonight is the night of nights my good men!” Remus rolls his eyes but chuckles despite himself and Peter looks excited but vaguely horrified at the mention of his own date and as a group, they leave the dorm room.
–
When the three boys arrive at the Great Hall Remus can’t help but let out a little gasp at the decorations. The hall is covered wall to wall in vines, peonies, daisies, lilies, roses… nearly every flower he thought could have existed. Little fireflies swooped around the air and the floor appeared covered in moss. Professor Sprout outdid herself growing all of the plants needed for the occasion, and Lily and her little planning committee went above and beyond.
“My flower,” Remus hears James whisper next to him. Remus turns his face from gawking at the walls to see Lily gliding toward them in a dazzling emerald dress. Her smile is easy when she catches James’ eyes and when Remus turns to James he looks utterly devoted.
“Hello boys,” Lily nods at Remus and Peter, her eyes twinkling when they arrive on James’ face once more. “Hello, James.”
“I love you,” James says, as if in a trance. Remus rolls his eyes and mutters “very smooth Prongs” under his breath but James doesn’t seem to hear him.
“A little soon for that, but I'll take it that means you like my dress. Would you like to dance?” Lily responds holding out her freckled hand for James to take.
James shakes himself out of his stupor then slightly kneeling before Lily “I…Yes, yes of course. I would be honored,” taking her hand and guiding them toward the floor. Lily rolls her eyes but seems delighted to be led.
Remus finds himself smiling once more at the couple as he watches them move in tandem with the music. He feels Peter fidget beside him and looks down at the boy’s eyes anxiously roaming around the hall. “Can’t find Mary?”
“No… I thought she would be here by now. We are fashionably late! But we are heading towards being late-late!”
Remus allows his own eyes to survey the hall again with his height advantage, now looking at the patrons and not just the decor. “Well, I don’t see McKinnon either and those two are generally attached at the hip,” Remus turns to Peter. “It’s not like either for them to miss something like this, especially if one of them has a hot date,” Remus finishes with a wink to Peter and a hip bump. Peter’s face flushes.
“You know I hate it when you do that, but I’m giving it a pass right now because that’s the most you thing you have said in months,” Peter mutters and Remus’ grin falters only slightly before he ruffles Peter’s hair who quickly reaches up to straighten it out again.
Remus looks up again and finds Marlene’s unmistakable blonde curls entering the room with Mary right beside her. Remus goes to tell Peter when he sees who is on Marlene’s other side and he feels like the wind has been knocked out of him at the sight.
Sirius looks completely and disgustingly beautiful in his dress robes. Remus has seen him in them a few times and the sight has always given him butterflies. They are red, but a hue so dark you have to squint to see it with silver accents that make his already flawless skin look porcelain. One of the girls clearly did his hair, Sirius probably would have tied it back in some way to accentuate his unfairly sharp jawline, but tonight it lays in delicately loose curls around his face.
Remus vaguely hears Peter find Mary himself and call out to her, vacating his spot next to him. Remus doesn’t really care because he feels a fire burning inside of him as he notices Marlene’s grip on Sirius’ arm and she’s wearing a maroon dress that compliments Sirius’ robes. As Marlene leans in to whisper something in Sirius’ ear, Remus makes eye contact with those stunning silver eyes he knows deep in his soul.
It hits him then that this is where Sirius has been for all these months after Remus pushed him away. He’s been with Marlene, sharing the secrets they used to share, the easy smiles, the sarcastic comments… apparently buying matching outfits. Remus feels sick again, it feels like another betrayal, but isn’t this what he wanted? For Sirius to stay away? He loathes Sirius for what he did, but oh, he misses…
Four Months Earlier
Remus wakes up in the shack and it feels like every other full moon since he was five… like he has been turned inside out. Everything aches but the pain is especially bad on his leg, he winces slightly but can’t find it in him to open his eyes. Madame Pomfrey will be here soon enough.
He relaxes a little on the less-than-ideal mattress and hears the rickety frame creak against his weight. Remus almost slips into unconsciousness once more when he feels the warmth of something around his torso. He realizes quickly it’s an arm, and with the energy he doesn’t have, he opens his eyes and looks to his right to find Sirius Black sleeping soundly next to him. Remus picks up his own arm, which feels like a lead, and shakes the sleeping boy with an alarm.
“Padfoot,” Remus hoarsely whispers “Padfoot you have to leave, what the hell are you doing here?”
"Blehrgh” Sirius mumbles as he slowly wakes up, his eyes squinting at Remus. The arm doesn’t move.
“Pads, Pompfrey is going to be here any second and I do not have the energy to deal with this right now. You have to…” Sirius puts a finger from his hand not settled against the other boy’s hip against Remus’ lips, quickly shutting him up and he smiles. Quirking up an eyebrow he draws back his finger again. Remus silently wishes he hadn’t.
“For someone with no energy you sure are saying a lot of words. The sun has just come up for Christ’s sake,” Sirius starts to shut his eyes again, settling back into the mattress like Remus tried to do mere moments ago.
“But Sirius! Pompfrey–”
“Moony,” Sirius brings his hand to Remus’ face, his eyes fully open now. “It’s fine. She won’t see me. Do you trust me?”
“Yes,” Remus says without any hesitation. Sirius looks at him like he just gave him the most beautiful gift, but the moment only lasts a few seconds.
“Good.”
The two of them lay there for a few minutes, not saying anything, maybe thinking the other person was trying to sleep. Remus’s mind is going a million miles a minute. Why is Sirius here? He never stays… none of them do. Sirius’ arm is also still around Remus’ waist, does that mean something? Sirius is conscious now, yet the arm is still there. Remus has even felt Sirius slightly squeeze the flesh on his hip bone, maybe he was just imagining it, wishing it. Remus finds himself asking the tamer of the two questions out loud.
“Can I ask why you are still here?”
“You can,” Sirius replies but doesn’t continue. Remus rolls his eyes and rolls over to face Sirius again.
“Padfoot, why are you still here?”
Sirius fidgets a little and lets go of Remus’ waist, assuming Remus’ earlier position of looking at the ceiling. Remus wishes he hadn’t said anything at all. He seems to do a lot of that around Sirius, wishing and wanting, that is. “I… I wanted to make sure you were ok.”
Remus chuckles at this, “Make sure I’m ok? I’m about as bloody ok as I have been every other month.”
Sirius fidgets some more, “Ok, it’s just that last night you heard something or maybe… someone I guess… while we were out in the forest. I had to bite your calf to keep you from running away. James healed it a little once you turned back but…”
Ah, so that’s where the leg pain is coming from. “I’m fine Padfoot, you don't have to risk being found out because I got a little banged up. What’s another scar anyway? Are you ok?”
“Yeah, yeah I’m fine,” Sirius nods vigorously.
“Good,” Remus replies but Sirius looks like he isn’t finished speaking. He bites his lip and stares at the ceiling intently, almost like he is asking it questions and not getting any answers in return. “Padfoot? Did something else happen? Did I manage to get away anyway?”
“No! No. Nothing else happened.”
“Then why do you look like you are about to speak to McGonagall after she summoned you in her extra-stern voice?”
Sirius turns to Remus, “I do not look afraid when I speak to Minnie. She adores me.”
“So you admit you look afraid right now?”
Sirius turns back to the ceiling and doesn’t reply for a while. “I have something else to tell you,” he whispers.
“What is it Padfoot? You’re freaking me out.”
Sirius turns decisively to Remus and grabs his hand that's lying on the pillow and Remus’ heart skips a beat. “I didn’t really stay because of your calf. I mean, I did stay partially because of that. I wanted to know you’re ok, I’m glad you’re ok but I knew you would be. I stayed because I wanted to say… Because I wanted to tell you that I…”
Sirius surges forward and kisses Remus. Immediately, Remus’ hand flies to Sirius’ hair and it is as soft as he imagined it would be. Remus kisses Sirius back. Of course he does, he doesn’t remember a time when he wouldn’t have.
The two boys lay there kissing for so much time and yet no time at all before they heard the familiar sound of Madame Pompfrey approaching. They immediately pull away from each other.
“Sirius…”
“I’ll see you later,” Sirius kisses Remus’ cheek. “Ok?”
Remus nods and Sirius transforms and hides. True to his word, Pompfrey doesn’t see him.
The next time they had a similar conversation, it didn’t end at all like that.
The Present
Sirius breaks eye contact with Remus and Remus feels his heart plummet. He briefly wonders why he didn’t just forgive Sirius immediately so he wouldn’t have to witness this moment where Sirius cares for someone else. Remus grinds his teeth and scolds himself for still allowing Sirius to be his weak spot.
Marlene leads Sirius to the dance floor and Remus wishes he was anywhere else. It wasn’t worth coming here, James’ triumph be damned. Everything inside of Remus is begging him to grab Sirius by the arm and demand answers he doesn’t know if he wants to hear. To accept those answers and love him anyway, to turn away those answers and hate him forever. They can’t be strangers.
“Care for a dance?” Remus hears someone murmur into his ear, it feels distant anyway, drowned out by his harsh and everpresent thoughts of Sirius. Remus peers over his shoulder and rolls his eyes at the sight of James’ smirk.
“Fuck off James,” Remus says as he turns back around.
“That is no way to speak to your date Moony. You are supposed to bat your eyelashes, blush a bit, hold your hand out, and accept.”
“Prongs I’m really really not in the mood right now. I’m sure Lily would be delighted at another go, ask her.”
“I want to dance with you Remus,” James says with finality, grabbing onto Remus' shoulder. Remus meets his eyes and there's something warm there, sincere. Remus, despite himself, nods and holds out his hand.
“Fine, but I’m leading.”
“Wouldn’t have it any other way Moonpie.”
They begin to sway to the music and Remus is stiff and awkward, he feels the all too familiar cold seeping back into him. The hopelessness he has endured the past months enclosing in on him, all over matching outfits and Sirius’ mere presence. Remus looks at James to find his eyes searching his face, and Remus realizes he’s waiting for Remus to speak first. Remus has too much he wants to say, so much he has been keeping in.
James never knew about Remus and Sirius, or what could have been Remus and Sirius as far as Remus was aware. After the shack incident that month so long ago not much changed between the two boys. That suited Remus just fine because the few things that did change were all he had ever wanted. Sirius had gone all soft around Remus, if he dared to he might even call it shy. Sirius would send him small smiles and hold his hand under the table. At night Sirius would sneak into his bed and snuggle into Remus’ chest. Stolen kisses in corridors, brushing shoulders, fingertips on cheeks.
One night there was sweat. Remus has pointedly not thought about it since it happened because it was a week before Remus’ world fell apart and Sirius became distant the day after. Remus felt shame like he had pushed his luck too far with Sirius. They didn’t really talk about any of it, they just did it all in secret. Remus that day, the next week, and the months after wished he had said something, done something. All he does is wish. Remus kept it all in, no one knew about his crush on Sirius let alone his three-week vague relationship with him.
He’s done with wishing.
“People are going to think you’re gay you know,” Remus finally says to James, creating an opening.
James smiles a bit “Let them, then they’ll think I scored the two most attractive people at Hogwarts. Not bad if I do say so myself.”
This answer probably should shock Remus, but it doesn’t. “You would be fine with it then?”
“Yes,” James answers simply, and that look of sincerity returns to his eyes. Remus wants to slap him because James is not sincere, he is mocking, teasing, and funny. But Remus suspects there's a reason for this change.
“You know then… about me.”
“Well, I didn’t know until just now I suppose. But I have suspected, and Remus? It changes nothing,” James says, and he squeezes Remus’ hip in reassurance but Remus’ mind is transported back to the early morning in the shack where Sirius did the same thing.
“Did… Sirius… say anything to you?” Sirius’ name feels unfamiliar in his mouth, he realizes he hasn’t said it out loud since the day he betrayed him.
James seems pensive about the question, maybe a bit flustered at the mention of Sirius on Remus’ tongue. “Remus this probably goes against the rules of what I’m supposed to say in this situation but I have suspected for years now about you and I’m guessing that predates whatever Sirius might know on the matter…” This admission does shock Remus…years? What does James know? What has he seen? What has he been told? What does he know about Sirius? About Remus and Sirius? James bites his lip and looks down at their feet moving to the music which has now turned into a more upbeat song yet they stay swaying as if it’s still a slower melody. James looks up at him again, “Moony can I be honest with you?”
Maybe this is one of the truths he’s been so afraid of, maybe he doesn’t want to know. Remus furrows his brow but finds himself nodding.
“I haven’t wanted to push you to do anything. I would understand and support you if you wanted to stay mad at Sirius forever. But… tonight or earlier tonight it seemed like maybe you were open to the idea of talking to him and now you are telling me this secret I know you have been keeping for a while and well… I think talking to him might not be such a bad idea. I know he wants to talk to you,” James says. “I’m not saying this so you’ll make up with him and we can all be friends again. I stand by what I said before, things won’t be the same as they were before so they may not be the same in that way. I just think you should know the truth. You deserve to know everything Moony,” James finishes.
Remus nods and pulls away from James as the song ends and disappears into the crowd. Remus walks briskly to the Great Hall doors and leaves toward the Hogwarts entrance.
Remus lets out the breath he didn’t even know he was holding in when he feels the night on his skin. The air doesn’t have the winter bite, but it isn’t exactly warm either. Remus wraps his arms around himself as if they are the only things holding him together. He realizes now that he can't be empty anymore and it's useless to keep trying so hard to feel nothing when Sirius makes him feel everything. He has to say the words he has tried so hard to forget and feel the memories of before. He has to talk to Sirius. Remus stares up at the clear night sky and finds the brightest star, the scar Sirius left behind feels as though it’s tearing open once more.
Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the faint flicker of a lighter. Remus whips his head around and of course, he’s there. At a distance he watches Sirius hold up a lighter to an unlit cigarette, shielding the flame with a cupped hand. The orange light bathes his face in warmth and the shadows accentuate his aristocratic features. Remus sighs and looks back up at the star again, begrudgingly realizing that the universe is basically telling him ‘It’s now or never’.
“Hello,” Remus says to Sirius as he stands a few feet in front of him. Sirius looks up in complete disbelief, stunning silver eyes wide, his cigarette nearly falling out from between his fingers.
“Hello,” Sirius replies, Remus almost wants to laugh at the sheer confusion in his voice. His urge to vomit is stronger but he holds it all in.
“Mind if I stand with you?” Remus asks, pointing at the space next to the other boy.
“YES! Balls, I didn’t mean I mind… no I don’t mind yes you can stand there. Yes,” Sirius stumbles out and tracks Remus’ movements as he walks to stand next to him before firmly facing forward again.
Neither of them say anything for a while. Sirius takes a few drags and mostly without thinking, Remus extends his hand out for the cigarette. Likely out of habit as well, Sirius hands it to him. Remus inhales the smoke and allows it to burn his throat and lungs. He desperately tries not to think of his spit intermingling with Sirius’ again after so long. Tries not to think of the same spit in McKinnon’s mouth and god knows where else. The same spit that spilled his deepest, most sacred, secret… he fails.
“I came here to know why,” Remus says with all the bravery he can muster, flicking the cigarette onto the ground and stubbing it out with the toe of his shoe. Not daring to look at Sirius, though he does hear him exhale.
“Yes, you deserve to know,” Sirius starts and Remus peeks at him from the corner of his eye. He is staring at the same cluster of stars Remus was looking at mere minutes ago, lost in thought, maybe trying to find the right words.
“Reg and I started speaking again about six months ago,” Sirius begins. “I didn’t tell any of you because it was new and I wasn’t really sure what it was. He was being nice, asking about my life, and telling me about his,” Sirius swallows clearly trying to gather himself. “It felt like this delicate bubble that I didn’t want to pop and I knew you lot would be suspicious if I said anything. Having him again made me feel whole… complete. I had the Marauders and I had him, that is all I have ever needed. And we were talking and acting like we did before I went to Hogwarts. It felt perfect,”
“But one day, I don’t know… I guess a switch flipped. Or maybe he had been planning on doing this all along. He started telling me about his plans to join You Know Who. He wanted me to join, he said we could be true brothers again. That mum would be so proud. I got angry, I was so scared. I tried to reason with him and talk to him but when he realized how disgusted I was at the idea he got cold. Distant. Even worse than before we started talking. At this point, I was embarrassed to say anything to any of you about it because I should have said something in the first place, but I thought he had changed. I guess he thought the same of me,” tears are streaming down Sirius’ cheeks but his voice is even like he had told himself this story so many times he is numb to it.
“That’s when I saw Snape. He was mocking me as we walked down the hall, making remarks about the full moon being that night like he knew something. I was so angry about Reg, and I knew Snape was… is… part of that too. At that moment I thought, well if he wanted to know so bad maybe he can make the discovery himself and he would deserve to die for it.”
Remus shivers at that last part, filled again with disgust and self-loathing. Even if it was Snape he would have killed. “So that’s what I was to you? Just a weapon for your revenge?”
Sirius shakes his head and looks at Remus, regret swimming in his eyes. Remus feels his heart stop, realizing this is the first time he has been this close to Sirius in so long. “Regulus was the first person I told about how I felt about you. The… shame I felt about being gay given the way we were raised, what is or was expected of me as the Black heir. He knew it, he lived it. He gave me the courage to tell you that night, to stay, and to tell you. That will probably be the best decision I will ever make. I still felt pangs of guilt afterward though, but Regulus helped me through them,” Sirius closes his eyes and looks forward again.
“That one night we had together,” Sirius swallows again, Remus's stomach flutters at the mention of it on Sirius’ lips. “I left the tower to go get you some chocolate or something the morning after and I ran into Regulus in the kitchen. That’s when he told me about his plans and about me joining him. We talked and then we started fighting, it got nasty. In the end, he called me a disgusting blood-traitor fag before he left the room,” Sirius’ tears have stained part of his dress robes, the rest of his body still and stone-like.
“Guess that explains why you got all skittish after that night,” Remus whispers. Sirius looks at him again his eyes searching Remus’ face, they are trying to reach out to him across the expanse of unfamiliarity that has been built between them.
“Fuck Remus,” Sirius sighs. “I can’t say I’m sorry because it isn’t good enough and I don’t deserve your forgiveness. Your care? Your trust? That meant everything to me. I threw it away. I threw you away. On accident, on purpose, in some act of self-harm. I don’t know. No matter what I’m going to spend the rest of my life regretting that one action, that one moment,” Sirius breathes and for the first time since he began talking he becomes frantic, unguarded. “If you get nothing else from this I want you to know that. I also want you to know that I never nor will I ever regret you and what we had. I wish I had told you more about Regulus, about the way I feel about you. I wish I said more. You are not a weapon to me Remus, you are everything,” Sirius finishes.
They stand in silence once more, the spring breeze teasing their dress robes. Remus can hear Sirius breath and it’s the sweetest sound.
“I’m tired of wishing,” Remus says finally. Sirius’ brow furrows, clearly not expecting this reply. “I mean that I have been doing a lot of that these past months… wishing that is. After you told me how you felt, or I guess you showed me more like… I wished that I would have said more to you. Told you how I feel, say the words I have been thinking about all the time. I didn’t want to scare you and honestly? I was scared of myself. And after you did what you did…” Remus pauses. No, he is not going to avoid it anymore. “After you told Snape where he could find me so I might hurt him, I wished it never happened, I wished I was different, I wished you loved me the way I love you, I wished to never see you again, I wished to feel fucking nothing. Then I found myself wishing you were back in the room and it was like how it used to be. Before any of this,” Remus breathes looking at those damn stars again.
“But I’m done wishing.”
A beat. “What does that mean?” Sirius whispers.
Remus shuffles a bit closer to Sirius. “It means that I’m ready to forgive you. But it also means that things will not be the same as they were before.”
Sirius nods, wiping the tears off his cheeks. “I can accept that.”
And the thing is, a small part of Remus thinks he should leave it there. Maybe he shouldn’t get into this with Sirius again and he knows how Sirius interpreted that, as a rejection. But Remus has never been able to resist Sirius Black, let alone a Sirius Black who just told him every word he has ever wanted to hear.
Remus reaches out and gently pulls Sirius’ face to look at his own, letting his hand cup his soft cheek. “Padfoot, it won’t be the same as before because now we will talk. Yeah? I will do things rather than simply wanting to do them. No more secrets, no more bottled-up feelings. Because to be honest, these last months were hell… like we were never meant not to know each other.”
Sirius nods while biting his lip and carefully raises his hand to cup Remus’ neck. Hope swims in his eyes. “How do you want to know me?”
“Slowly for now… but eventually I want to know you in every way I can.”
Sirius nods “Yeah, me too.”
“I’m sorry about Regulus,” Remus says it because he should because he wants to.
“Yeah… me too.”
“We will talk about it?”
“Yes, but not tonight.”
Remus accepts that. Sirius steps closer, their intermingling breath hot against the cool breeze. Every muscle in Remus’ body yearns to pull Sirius just a little bit closer so their bodies are flush together. There's another small thing preventing him from doing so.
“You’re here with Marlene?”
Sirius chuckles a bit “No, she’s here with Dorcas though.”
“The matching outfits then?”
Sirius shrugs, moving his hand from Remus’ neck and pulling both of his arms around his waist. “She insisted that Dorcas looks ‘delicious’ in red so she is actually matching with her and I’m their third wheel who also happens to match them.”
Remus nods, another weight released from his chest, twining a finger in Sirius’ hair. “She did your hair well, normally you put it up but… I like it like this too.”
Sirius smirks, and fuck, Remus really did miss that. “Were you jealous that I might’ve been here with Marlene?”
Remus bites his lip. “Filled with enough white-hot rage to actually speak to you after months of thinking I would never do it again.”
Sirius’s face gets a bit, well, serious at this. “You said you love me. Present tense.”
Remus wants to hide, he doesn't. “Yes I love you, present tense and past tense. I never stopped.”
“Even when you said you hated me?”
“I wasn’t me for a long time, Sirius, after that night.”
“I’m sorry.”
“You have apologized already, you are officially no longer allowed to apologize for that. Ok? It’s done, and I am choosing to believe you will never do anything like that again.”
“I won’t.”
“Good. But I am sorry for saying those nasty things to you in the corridor, you were having a hard time then too.”
“You didn’t know.”
“No. But I’m sorry anyway.”
“I love you too. Present tense, always tense.”
That does it for Remus in all honesty. Any reservation, any lingering thought of distrust, anger, or upset leaves his brain because all he wants to do is kiss and love Sirius Black. Remus brings his second hand to Sirius’ cheek and pulls him toward his mouth.
Their lips collide and Remus is no longer nothing. Their lips move and Sirius’ hands are on his hips, where they are supposed to be, pulling him in deeper. Everything emotion Remus has pushed down for months comes crashing over him. They kiss and Remus feels tears on his cheeks and belatedly realizes they are his own when Sirius pulls away to wipe them.
Remus scrunches his eyes, feeling embarrassed about this weird emotional outburst after just making a scene about forgiving Sirius. “I-I’m so sorry, I really do want–”
“Shh love,” Sirius says. “It’s like you said yeah? It’s different now, you’re different now, I’m different now. This’ll take time.”
Remus breathes before looking at Sirius again. “It’s not that I don’t want to, I do. I just, I haven’t let myself feel in a long time, or I tried desperately not to feel. And right now you are making me feel literally everything… it’s a lot.”
Sirius tilts his head to the side, looking at Remus like he is the most precious thing in the universe. “Can I hug you?”
Remus nods and Sirius folds him into his arms despite Remus’ few inches on him. “You make me feel everything too. We will take this one step at a time. You say what you need and I’ll do the same. We will be ok.”
And despite the last few months where Remus swore this man would be a stranger. He believes him and he loves him desperately.
Many months later…
—
Remus slowly wakes up to the September sun filtering through the cracks of his bed hangings in the Gryffindor dormitory he has known for so many years. He stretches and rubs his eyes, smiling as he registers the legs tangled in his own. Remus reaches back and smiles wider at the feel of Sirius’ muscled back, which he has come to know so well.
After the dance, it was slow like Remus wanted, like he needed. They talked about everything and nothing. Sirius cried recounting his exchanges with Regulus, wondering where he went wrong. One night he even confided in Remus that he sometimes missed his family, despite how fucked up they were and how glad he was that he left. Remus held him. Remus told him about his mental spiral, about his worries for the future. Can he get a job? Does it even matter with He Who Must Not Be Named on the rise?
The two boys didn’t even kiss again until they said goodbye on Platform Nine and Three Quarters for the summer. Sirius was going to live with James again and Remus wouldn’t be visiting until early August and they would all depart from James’ house for their final year of Hogwarts together. The kiss was tender and this time (thankfully) Remus didn’t cry but instead wanted more more more. When they pulled apart James smiled softly and Peter rolled his eyes and muttered “fucking finally.”
They wrote to each other nearly every day until their reunion that fateful August day. When Remus arrived on James’ doorstep, Sirius jumped into Remus’ arms and kissed every inch of his face. His mouth went a mile a minute about everything he had planned for the month of Remus’ stay. Despite it being James’ house, and despite Remus having visited said house on many occasions, Sirius insisted on giving him a grand tour because “You have never had my version Moony”. But when they arrived at Sirius’ bedroom, Remus immediately suspected Sirius’ alternative motive. When Remus crossed the threshold he couldn’t help but grin at how very Sirius the room was. The walls were completely covered in posters, of quidditch teams, muggle bands, and various photographs he had collected. The floor was littered with discarded clothing, the bed unmade. He had even recently acquired his own muggle record player and a stack of vinyls which Remus had heard about extensively in Sirius’ letters.
When Remus met Sirius’ eyes again it was like all the air in the room got sucked out. There was no mistaking that look, it was lust, it was want. Sirius sauntered up to Remus and shut the door behind him, grinning as he raked his gaze up and down Remus’ body.
“I was wondering,” Sirius began. “If you might be ready–”
“Yes,” Remus breathes, pressing his body against Sirius’. “Yes, I’m ready.”
There was so much sweat after that.
Today in the dorm room Sirius flexes his grip on Remus’ abdomen as he wakes up to Remus’ touch. Remus feels Sirius’ smile on his neck. “Good morning my Moonage Daydream.”
Remus blushes at the new nickname because he apparently blushes now. “Good morning Padfoot.”
Sirius uses his grasp on Remus to turn him so they are facing each other. Sirius kisses his forehead and goes to say something else when they hear James holler.
“OI! You two don’t want to be late for your last first day of classes because you were too busy ogling each other like you do every other day anyway.”
Sirius rolls his eyes before sitting up to shout back “Like you wouldn’t ogle Evans if she was willing to sleep in here with your sorry arse.”
James peeks through the curtains with narrowed eyes. “She cares deeply about a good night’s rest I’ll have you know.”
“Or she found out you kick in your sleep and is just letting you down easy.”
“I haven’t kicked in my sleep since I was twelve! You absolute–”
Peter’s face appears below James’ in the crack of the curtains. “Lads, hate to ruin this touching exchange but if we don’t leave in the next ten minutes we are going to miss breakfast.”
“Yeah yeah I’m up,” Sirius says as he untangles himself from Remus. Sirius finally gets up from the bed and is met with a chorus of disgusted noises from James and Peter when they realize he is not wearing a stitch of clothing.
“Really mate? Not even some pants for my poor eyes?” James asks, mockingly shielding his face as if a bright light has just been shown into his retinas.
“You are a bunch of prudes. Remus enjoys the view, right Moony?”
Remus nods from his spot in the bed “Best view in Scotland.”
James and Peter continue their disgusted noises and Sirius bends down to Remus, “Not the best view in the world?”
Remus shrugs his shoulders “I’ll consider it if you promise to be on your best behavior today. It is the first day and all…”
Sirius looks mockingly affronted “But Moony! It’s the last first day! And I’m the love of your life! You couldn’t ask such things of me…”
“These are my conditions,” Remus says with finality. Sirius goes to say something when he is again interrupted by James.
“Sirius I swear to Merlin put some pants on.”
“Yeah yeah alright,” Sirius quickly pecks Remus’ cheek before going to join the others in the center of the room.
Remus moves to get out of bed himself when he hears the record player playing the familiar Lady Stardust.
And he was alright, the band was all together
Yes he was alright, the song went on forever
He smiles and looks at Sirius proudly wearing a pair of James’ underpants, James scowling and Peter laughing hysterically. Sirius turns to look back at Remus with his beautiful grin.
Yeah, everything is alright.