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The day started as usual. Toya opened his eyes slowly, looking around his pitch-dark room. He looked at the clock, it was 7 am, he should start getting ready, but he didn’t feel like leaving the bed. He didn’t feel like going to school. He didn’t even feel like being alive, but well, there he was. Definitely breathing and definitely not happy about it, but also not determined enough to turn matters into his own hands. ‘There is someone that would be sad’, he thought, but didn’t know if he really believed that.
He spent a while just staring blankly into the wall, Tsukasa’s eyes looking at him happily from a picture he hang on there. He looked into them for a while, but eventually gave up and rolled to the other side and took his phone. He turned it on only to get blinded by the light of the screen. When his eyes adapted, he opened Spotify. He didn’t search for a song, he knew what he is going to play. The same song as always filled his room with its stupidly catchy intro. He had no idea for how many days it was played on loop. It was just him, his thoughts and this stupid song.
I hate the sweet scent coming from your neck
Maybe that's for him, right?
I won't stand in your way but I think you're being a bit silly
It was like the song was speaking right to him, pointing out how stupid he was. Looking at it now, he was stupid from the very beggining, but he couldn’t have known that back then. If he could go back in time and hit himself in the face he would’t even think twice about it, but what could he do now? It was all in the past. Past Toya let himself be stupid just once and present Toya had to pay the price.
Beep!
A notification sound played, interrupting Toya’s studying session. He put the pen down, pushing the notebook with unfinished math problem away and bringing his laptop closer. A new chat bubble opened, someone called ‘p4nc4kelov3r’ just texted him. One mutual server dedicated to street music, no mutual friends, pancake photo as profile picture…
"Who the hell is that?" He asked himself, opening the chat. The message was a simple ‘hi’, nothing more, nothing less. Toya, led by curiosity, decided to text back. He didn’t think much about it, he came back to his homework almost instantly, forgetting about the mysterious persona. Until…
Beep!
He looked at the screen, the message was siple again, ‘wassup?’. That was definitely weird. It wasn’t common for some random person to text him out of blue. What did they want?
‘Do we know eachother?’
‘no’
‘but is that a problem? ppl make new friends all the time’
‘You’ve got a point.’
‘So, what’s your name?’
‘akito’
‘u?’
‘Toya.’
‘oh, like winter?’
‘Yeah.’
‘lemme guess! born in january?’
‘No.’
‘february?’
‘No.’
‘okay i got it!’
‘december!’
‘im so good at guessing’
‘May, actually.’
‘damnit!!’
‘im not good at guessing’
‘and your parents are even worse at name picking’
Toya chuckled. This conversation was going nowhere, but the Akito guy seemed nice. The homework didn’t seem as important anymore, makinga a new friend was way more interesting than finding the ‘x’.
‘You tried your best.’
‘wow, thanks’
‘feeling totally better’
‘You’re welcome.’
‘i was being sarcastic’
‘Oh.’
‘now you guess’
‘Uh… November, maybe?’
‘YOU CANT BE FR’
‘Huh?’
‘HOW’
‘YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY’
‘UGH’
‘Maybe I’m good at guessing.’
‘and stealing my catchphrase now, awesome’
They exchanged some more texts and before Toya realized, it was already 3am, math wasn’t finished, his eyes were in pain from the screen and he had no idea how it was already this late. But he was definitely having fun. Probably way too much fun as for a casual conversation with a stranger.
‘I gotta go. Sorry, Akito.’
‘its fine’
‘i mean its late’
‘it was fun tho’
‘ttyl’
‘Goodnight.’
He turned the laptop off, letting his eyes get some well-deserved rest. He shoved books into his bag, prepared the school uniform, brushed his teeth and laid in bed, trying to not think too much about this whole situation. He was almost sure it won’t be a long lasting friendship, he wasn’t the best at making friends and even worse at keeping up the conversation. But he couldn’t say he wasn’t excited, honestly speaking, he was excited like never before.
Suddenly, he heard a notification. He looked at his phone again, noticing a message from Tsukasa, just like the boy got bored of staring at him with those dead, printed eyes and decided to actually start a conversation.
‘hi!!! Coming to school today?’
He decided to just ignore the message at first, but after giving it a second thought he realized that he probably should text back if he didn’t want to be bombarded with more messages and calls.
‘No, still feeling sick.’
He closed his eyes, wondering if maybe he should try to fall asleep again. He wasn’t physically tired, but everything was better than overthinking the whole situation again and again. But then, out of sudden, he heard another message. And another. And one more… Well, his strategy has failed him.
"He never gives up", he murmured to himself and unlocked the phone.
‘we both know youre not sick, Toya’
‘if you dont want to go to school, maybe come over later?’
‘mom said shed love to have you over for dinner! Well, Saki said so too’
‘and I’m no different’
‘No, thank you. I’m good.’
‘so maybe want to have a call later? Locking yourself up in your room wont help, yk?’
‘Will think about it.’
‘Thank you tho.’
‘And don’t worry. I really am okay.’
‘youre not.’
Toya gave up after that, there was no convincing Tsukasa otherwise. They both knew too damn well that he was in an awful state. He appreciated that his ‘brother from another mother’ (as the boy started calling him recently) was trying to help. He really did. He just believed there’s no way to help him. He felt hopeless. No, even worse than hopeless actually. A few tears ran down his cheeks.
Lonely or boring ?
That's not why you're doing
You keep fooling yourself and forcing yourself to smile
"Are you listening, Toya?" A familiar voice startled him. He put his phone down, looking at the blonde guy standing in front of him.
"Yeah, sorry Tsukasa. Was just checking if I have any new messages," he replied. "I’m all ears now, sorry once again."
"It’s okay Toya, don’t worry! Big brother was just showing us his new pose," a girl sitting next to him smiled brightly.
"Talking to that Akitoshi guy again?" Tsukasa leaned on his desk, the way their faces were almost touching. "Haven’t seen you texting anyone with such a big grin in a long time. Actually, when I think about it, I think it’s the first time my awesome eyes are seeing this."
"It’s Akito. But yeah, to I’m talking to him. Or more like waiting for him to reply. He haven’t texted me since morning, he said he’s going to help his friend in her dad’s cafe but told me he’ll reach out when he’ll have time. It’s quite late, they should be done now, tho…"
"Oh, so you guys are still talking? How long has it been?" The girl interrupted, looking at him with interest painted on her face. Or maybe it was excitement? He couldn’t really tell.
"Three months, or more like two months and eighteen days," he stated proudly. It was his first online relationship that lasted for so long and he couldn’t be happier about it.
"You scare me." The taller blonde gave him a concerned stare, standing straight and crossing his arms. "Why would you remember such details?"
"Don’t be rude, big brother! You act the same around that one purple-haired friend of yours, aren’t you? I remember you talking about your eight month friendship anniversary or something recently."
"S-shut up, Saki," his face instantly turned red and he attempted to hide it with his hand, but he failed miserably. Toya chuckled, while Saki started laughing loudly.
"Okay, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!" she said, wiping a single tear forming in the corner of her eye.
"Fine, I accept it. But never talk about it again."
"I won’t, I promise!" She looked at him seriously, before leaning into Toya and whispering, "I actually will, but that’s a secret."
He smiled at her, promising to keep it between them by bowing his head.
"Anyways, we should go. Mom is waiting with dinner." Tsukasa, who was still blushing, took both of their bags and grabbed his sister by her hand.
"Oh, yeah! I forgot to look at the time. Wanna tag along, Toya? I’m sure she will be happy to see you!"
"No, it’s fine, thank you. I promised to eat at home today. Tell her I said hi."
"Of course! Stay safe!" Both siblings waved at him, leaving the classroom in a hurry. He was alone, surrounded by a comfortable silence, sometimes disturbed by faint voices of other students, who decided to stay and hang out after club activities have ended. He liked it. He felt comfortable. He felt at peace.
He actually liked it so much, that he stayed in the classroom for a while longer. The sun was already setting when he decided to leave. He took his bag and phone from the desk and left the room, making sure to close the door behind him. He slowly made it to the first floor, changed his shoes and finally left the school, trying to untagle his earphones.
Suddenly, he heard a notification. He looked at the screen with excitement to see two new notifications from Akito. The first one was a picture of a ginger boy, who, as Toya had already learnt, was his friend and a dark-haired girl he has never seen before. She was grinning at the camera, while forming a ‘v’ with her fingers. Her other hand was wrapped around Akito’s neck, pulling him close to her. He didn’t look really happy about it, giving her a tired stare and trying to push her hand away. The second message just said ‘finally done. shes so annoying’. Bluenette couldn’t help but smile seeing those.
‘Who is she?’
‘you reply fast’
‘thats my friend an, told ya bout her’
‘Oh, yeah. I think I remember now.’
‘ofc you do, you remember everything i tell you’
‘she forced me to send this, sorry’
‘No, it’s fine! Are you still hanging out with her?’
‘no, she made me leave the second i sent the stupid pic’
‘shes got a date or sth, idk’
‘and idc’
‘but she promised me pancakes if i help and now shes just kicking me out’
‘fucking rude’
Toya couldn’t help but laugh at the comment.
‘and how was ur day?’
‘Good. Hanged out with Tsukasa and Saki after classes.’
‘Now I’m going home’
‘THIS LATE? bro, its like 7pm’
‘Stayed at school for a while longer, don’t worry about that.’
‘anyways’
‘make sure to get home safe’
‘text me when youll be there, ok?’
‘I will’
‘You stay safe too!’
He laid down like that, letting the tears flow. He turned on his phone once more, going through the messages with Akito for the milionth time. He did read the vent the boy has sent when he got drunk once, he did read the casual conversations they had before he fucked up. Just reminding himself of that was making him mad. Overfilled with emotions, he screamed. He kept screaming on top of his lungs, knowing his parents aren’t home. But honestly even if they were, he wouldn’t have cared if they heard that. He was too broken to care anymore. He pulled on his hair as the mental breakdown started. He hated Akito. He hated the state he was in. He hated life. He hated himself...
He
hated
himself.
It's definitely love
It's undeniably love
Your heart is painted bright red, please realize this fact
The song mocked him again, but all he could do was shout even louder.
It was New Year’s Eve. Just him, Tsukasa and Rui, as Saki spent the day at her friend’s place. Toya was having fun, probably way too much fun as for a party like this. They were just chilling, watching a movie and talking. Actually, he wouldn’t even call it a party, it was more like a casual sleepover. Or at least it was like that until Rui opened a bottle of some nice looking champagne.
"You guys are going to drink?" Toya asked, looking at them.
"We almost hit the drinking age, I think it’ll be fun!" Tsukasa smiled. "Want to try too?" He asked, handing a half filled glass to him.
He stopped for a second, considering all the options, but he eventually obliged. He wasn’t pressured or anything, but he never tried alcohol before and he just wanted to have some fun. After an hour the bottle was empty and he was starting to feel a little tipsy. He liked the feeling, maybe even too much. Sitting down, staring at the TV screen but not really focusing on the movie, thinking about Akito. He wanted to confess, he wanted to date him, he wanted to meet and kiss. After a while, he felt the confidence he was trying to gather for the past few weeks. He unlocked his phone with some struggle and opened the chat.
‘Akito, I wamt to tell yuo somethng’
‘toya, ya ok?’
‘Yeas, dobt worry’
‘u dont seem ok’
‘I wanted to tajk to you about it foe a whle’
‘I liek you Akito.’
It took a while, before he replied. Toya felt more nervous with every second, until he finally saw the message. But oh, he wished he never did.
‘toya, its not that deep’
‘i dont even see you as a friend’
And with this, he felt his heart breaking.
He managed to calm down a little, too tired to cry, throat sore from the screaming.
He couldn’t help but blame himself, if he never confessed, they would still act as friends, Akito would never distance himself, which led to him changing into a completely different person. At first caring and nice, now cold and ignorant, rude on every occassion, trying to make him jealous by telling him about the guy he liked, breaking his heart everytime they talked, making him hate the feelings he used to enjoy so much and eventually leaving him empty, longing for the person he used to love, but that was no longer there. But even knowing that, there was no way for him to stop loving him.
He looked at the last message in the chat, left on read, never answered, even after so long.
‘Hey, I just wanted to tell you that if you ever want to go back, we can. Because even now, after everything that had happened I still love you and I probably always will.’
If he could, he would probably cry his eyhes out.
You have skin as white as pearl but you live with a pitch-black lie
You choose life to get hurt and then say, I’m alright
Just stop it
The song mocked him again, just like the writer knew his exact situation. Another thing he hated, but that he couldn’t stop. He sighed, hiding his face in the pillow, trying to fall asleep to stop the pain, at least for a short while. But did it even matter? Tomorrow will be the same anyways.