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Louise had worries once, but they’re somewhere far away from her parents’ kitchen. For the hour or two that she’s here, she can pretend work, chores, and bills don’t exist. She looks around at her family, happy that Dad chose this week to try his hand at perfecting cupcakes. Mom is coming at him with a napkin now, trying to wipe frosting from his face, and he’s ducking her advances with unprecedented agility.
“Lin, stop. No. I’ve got it. You’re just making it worse.”
Tina is smiling, sitting in a kitchen chair and shooting surreptitious glances at her phone. Though she’s trying to remain present, soaking up family time, she checks her notifications at least once per minute. Louise cuts her some slack, knowing she’s anxious to receive Jimmy Jr’s updates on the baby.
Luckily, Gene’s a natural at taking up attention. He’s babbling from across the table, oblivious to the concerns Tina’s smile is hiding, but she does check the phone less and less as his story goes on.
Lastly, and most importantly to Louise, Logan is stationed behind her. He’s chewing rather loudly, obnoxious bites into his cake that would usually wear her nerves. His hand on her hip makes it easier to tolerate, even when he briefly balances his paper plate on Louise’s head.
“Sorry.” He says insincerely. “Your legs are short. Like a coffee table? I got confused for a second.”
“You get confused by your lefts and rights, too, so I’m not surprised.”
In place of the plate, Logan rests his chin on her head. Louise savors the touch, as trivial as it is, then immediately misses it once he shifts again.
“Awwwwww!” Linda croons. “Bobby, do you see them? She’s like his furniture! So romantic.”
Logan pokes Louise’s side, a gesture invisible to the others but felt sharply by her. It means he’s filing her mom’s words away, prepared to bring them up later.
“What a great point, Linda!” He says aloud. “Louise makes nice furniture, doesn’t she?”
Since he and Louise got together eight years ago, Logan’s showboating around her parents has gotten much less overt. Now, when he turns the charm on, it only sounds a little over the top. And he spends most of the time around his in-laws finding small ways to annoy her.
“And you’d make great wall decor.” Louise retorts quickly. “As in, I’m gonna mount your head to the wall if you don’t stop talking.”
As Logan finishes with his plate, he sets it down so he can put both hands on her waist. When her body relaxes against his, it’s subtle enough that no one but the two of them notice.
“Are you guys hearing this?” Logan asks. “I’m sorry about my wife. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve asked her not to treat me this way in public.”
With one simple word, Logan zaps Louise’s prior relaxation away. The slightly off-color joke is standard between them, so that doesn’t bother her, but his choice of words certainly does.
“Wife?” She asks, her voice taking on a noticeable edge.
The rest of the kitchen falls into tense silence, everyone looking uncomfortably at each other. Amongst Logan and Louise’s inner circle, it’s a known fact that marriage is off the table.
Louise hates the institution on principle, sure it’s a product of an overly romantic, embarrassingly naive society. Her parents may be the exception, but marriage as a whole is a terrible idea.
Logan’s approach is less rigid. He’d marry Louise in ten seconds if she wanted to, but their common law state also works just fine for him. As long as he gets to wake up beside her for the rest of his life, the specifics aren’t really important.
Louise angles her head to glare at him, the word wife like cold steel on her skin. Logan does his best to look contrite, but she knows him well enough to see the smirk hiding beneath.
“Well!” Linda says nervously, clapping her hands together to disrupt the awkward silence. “Anyone wanna play a game? We have board games! Those are fun, right? Louise, baby? You wanna go pick one out?”
Grateful for her mom’s quick thinking, Louise wraps her hand around Logan’s wrist.
“What a fantastic idea, Mom. My boyfriend and I would be happy to pick out a game. Logan? Let’s go.”
Not giving him much of a choice, she leads them toward the living room and tries ignoring the whispering that springs up when they leave. Her family is rightfully concerned, just waiting for the moment when Louise blows her top.
She won’t give anyone the satisfaction. She’s an adult now. She can handle her emotions just fine. Once she’s alone with Logan, she releases his wrist and crosses her arms.
“Are you an idiot?” She asks.
Before he can answer, she holds up a hand.
“Sorry. Stupid question. Of course you’re an idiot. Silly me! What I should be asking is: how much of an idiot are you? Did you really just call me your wife ?”
When she stops her fierce whispering, Louise notices that the rest of the apartment is suspiciously quiet.
“Oh please, don’t let us keep you from talking!” She calls sarcastically. “I’m sure none of you want to overhear what we’re saying out here!”
Alarmed that she’s caught on to them, the rest of the family quickly busies themselves in the kitchen. The sound of clinking dishes, running water, and forced chatter fills the air.
“Is this a new plate, Mother?” Gene asks dramatically, likely brandishing his cheap porcelain dish. “Fine china, I assume?”
Now that they’re too occupied to eavesdrop, Louise focuses her attention back on Logan. Far from the remorseful front he put on a minute ago, he’s now smiling without a care in the world.
“Well hello there, Mrs. Bush.” He teases. “Is something wrong?”
Louise glares. There’s no one else on the planet who dares to keep pushing her buttons like this when she’s mad.
“I thought we agreed to keep the marriage thing a secret.” She hisses. “I should’ve known you were too stupid to keep your mouth shut.”
Amused by her fury, Logan leans in and kisses her nose. It’s so fast that by the time Louise goes to smack him away, he’s already gone.
“Sorry. Must’ve slipped out. I just couldn’t help it! I wanted everyone to know you’re my legal property now.”
Louise’s eyes catch fire, and Logan places a soothing hand on her waist to keep her from exploding.
“Kidding. I’m kidding! Promise. I know, I know. We only got married for tax reasons.”
It was just four months ago that they’d decided, when Louise was complaining non-stop in the midst of tax season. Logan made the suggestion off-handedly, reminding her of the benefits and swearing no one else would ever know.
“You messed up on purpose.” She says knowingly, “You’ve just been waaaaaiting on the perfect chance to pull some bullshit like that.”
Now that she’s had a few minutes to cool down, Louise isn’t as furious as she had been initially. Her family thinks Logan made a simple slip-up—there’s no way they even suspect the truth.
“Maybe.” He admits. “Is that so wrong? I wanted to call you my wife in public one time. Sue me.”
“I will.”
“Well, we’re married now, so you can’t testify against me. Ha!”
“Damn it! Ugh. You suck so bad, Logan.”
He puts his other hand on her waist, and she catches a glimpse of blue frosting on his face.
“Oh, ew.” She says, distracted now from the original argument. “You’re gross! Come here. I’m getting that off of you.”
“Aww.” Logan says mockingly, as she grabs hold of his chin. “See? We’re so married, Louise.”
Though her anger has subsided tremendously, that doesn’t stop her from rubbing his cheek extra hard with her thumb. Stepping back to study his now clean face, she figures it’s not the end of the world if Logan refers to her as his wife once or twice.
“Keep talking like that, and I’ll be handing you divorce papers in no time.” She warns without much venom in her voice.