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Vince had never truly felt like he fit in. There was something about him that people seemed to stay away from. He’s tried everything, being loud, being quiet, being super supportive, taking a step back. None of it had seemed to work. Everyone still kept their distance. All Vince wanted was one person to lean on, for someone to care; nobody did. Not really at least. He would think that someone would care and when he would start talking about something serious or was feeling down, they would push him away, telling him that they didn’t have time for this.
Vince understood, he really did. He wasn’t the most likable person in the world but he did try. He tried really hard to make sure he had someone there, even if that meant taking rookies under his wing and hoping they wouldn’t leave him behind, or have someone to like him enough that if he invited them over, they would come over. Vince would leave out the part about feeling so depressed he wondered if life was even worth living, because if they knew that then they would be out of there within a second.
So no, Vince didn’t really have a place he fit in, and not for a lack of trying. The only time anyone actually seemed to care about him was when he was on the ice and so, that’s what he worked the most on. Becoming so good on the ice that people would want him, that they would need him. It hurt a little to know that was the only way people would want him but if that’s what he had to do then he would do it.
Once Vince had made it to the NHL, things had to change a bit. They were much bigger on connecting with your teammates, saying it would make the team better. It was true too, Vince had looked it up one day, curious if what they were telling was the truth. Sometimes people liked to say those things for peace off and on the ice, less fighting.
With that, Vince had to figure out how much of himself he should share. He couldn’t share too much or they’d all start to hate him, and that wouldn’t be all that great for the team dynamics. He stayed quiet his first year on the Blues, pitching in when someone would ask but never saying more. He observed and tried to figure out how everyone else acted.
The longer he was on the team, the more confident he became, saying more and more. Letting it all spill one night while he was pretty drunk. That’s when things there really changed. People started to treat him differently, staying away from him but when they would talk to him or even get near him they would treat him like he was fragile. He wishes he knew exactly what he said and how he acted while he was drunk, he knew he said too much, too much about the thoughts that he got, how sometimes they got too much and he would practically be stuck in bed or on his couch.
That was apparently too much for the team, because they traded him soon after that, to a brand new team. The Seattle Kraken. It would be a fresh start and Vince would keep his mouth shut, making sure that none of his secrets would get out. He would create a persona, similar to his own but happier, more cheerful and kind, and absolutely doesn’t drink. He can never have a repeat of that time in St. Louis.
Though that’s almost exactly what happens only a couple weeks into the season. Though he didn’t actually say anything. It was a half an hour after practice, everyone was doing their cool-down workouts when Vince started getting that familiar feeling, the dread like something was about to crash through the ceiling and kill them all. He knew logically that it wasn’t going to happen but the feeling stayed.
Vince tried to make his get away inconspicuous, he didn’t want anyone to think that there was something wrong. He got off of the stationary bike he was on and quickly, but not quick enough for people to think something of it, he walked out of the gym and into one of the hallways. He took a couple of random turns, trying to get away from the gym and all the people who were in it as quickly as possible.
He found a secluded hallway, taking a seat on the floor with his back resting on the wall, his feet tucked close and head resting on his knees. He tried to take some steadying breaths but that almost seemed to make things worse. He kept trying, making sure not to start breathing too quickly for the fear of hyper-ventilating. The tears came soon after, unable to get control of any part of his body.
After what felt like hours to Vince, though it had probably only been a couple minutes, he heard footsteps. Vince couldn’t completely tell where they were coming from but he knew they were getting closer to him. Everything in him was screaming to get up and move; his legs wouldn’t move, neither would his arms. He couldn’t move, he had to move but he couldn’t, and the footsteps are getting closer. Everyone was going to find out his secret, they were all going to hate him. He could feel the blood rushing through his veins and the air touching the top of his lungs, not going any deeper. He could feel the adrenaline pumping through his body and he could do nothing about it.
Vince flinched violently back when he felt a hand touch his shoulder. The flinch made the back of his head hit the wall harshly. When he looked up through his tears, he saw Adam standing there, concern filtering into his features. “Vince?” Adam asked, his voice also featuring the concern shown on his face. It seemed as though Adam had been trying to get his attention for a while.
Vince let out what was supposed to be an answering hum but instead it came out more like a whine. The sound of the whine made Vince even more upset; that certainly wasn’t supposed to happen. None of this was supposed to happen. God, what was wrong with him? He had one job and he couldn’t even do that without freaking out. Now, Adam was standing in front of him, concern lacing through every bit of him and Vince couldn’t even come up with a proper response.
What’s worse is the fact that Vince had a huge crush on Adam. So, here he is, sobbing and unable to breathe, probably looking like a mess, in front of his crush. This was humiliating for him. He wished he had never left St. Louis, because then at least he didn’t have a crush on one of his teammates. Better yet, he wished he wasn’t alive in the first place, then none of this would’ve ever happened.
Slowly, Adam slid down the wall to sit next to Vince. Keeping close so that if Vince needed the physical touch then he could get it but not close enough that Adam initiated the contact. It was nice to have someone here, to keep watch for whatever Vince’s stupid brain decided was going to kill him. It was also nice to have someone to keep him company while he suffered. He still hated the idea that someone, especially Adam, was seeing him like this.
VInce slowly moved his hand over to Adam's, interlacing their pinkies and giving Vince something physical to ground him. They sat there for a long while, if Vince had to guess he’d say at least a half hour.
It seemed that Adam had seen that Vince had calmed quite a bit, “You okay?”
“Yeah, just-just, um, got in my head too much I guess.” Vince tried his best to down play it but it didn’t seem to have any effect on Adam. Vince didn’t think it would but it was worth a shot.
“Did you get hurt, if you did we have to take you down to med?” Adam said, taking Vince’s hand fully into his.
“I’m not hurt. My brain; it’s just being fucking stupid.” Vince took a breath, “I hate it, I hate all of this. I just want to be normal. Nothing should be this fucking hard for me, or anyone honestly. I want to do things like everyone else and then my brain just decides that it’s going to freak the fuck out over nothing.”
“Vince.” Adam said, taking a second to think of how to say what he was thinking, “Nobody works the same, you know that, right? Things that are easy for you could be super difficult for others. Just because you struggle with something doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. And if you feel like how you just felt often, you can get help for that. To me that seemed like a panic attack. We have people who can help with that here, in this facility, they are there to help and they want to.”
While Adam was talking Vince stared at the carpeted floor, listening to what he was saying, though he wasn’t sure he quite believed it.
“There’s something else, hmm?” Adam questioned, seemingly knowing the answer already.
“What if I’m just being dramatic, or-or they don’t believe me? I also don’t want anyone to think differently about me, if I told anyone in the past they would distance themselves from me and I don’t think I could handle that again, especially not here.”
“It’s their job to help, and I already believe you. That’s a good start. Why don’t we talk about this later, hmm? I’ll take you home and you can relax for the rest of the day.”
Vince sniffled and wiped his tears away, giving Adam a nod, indicating that he wanted to get out of here.
Adam stood up and held out his hand to help Vince up and off of the ground. Vince took it, getting up slowly on shaky legs. Vince kept hold of Adam’s hand, scared that if he let go that Adam would leave him.
Vince felt pretty pathetic, needing to keep hold of someone’s hand and be led out of the building. Adam didn’t even let Vince carry his own bag, saying that Vince didn’t need anymore stress, even if it was something like that.
They both walked to their cars, Vince headed toward his own car and Adam headed to his, Adam was confused, “Where are you going?”
“Home?” Vince replied.
“You’re coming with me.” Adam stated plainly.
“But, my car.”
“We’ll come back and get it later, we’re always at the rink.”
“Okay, I guess.” Vince said, unsure of what was actually happening right now. He was supposed to be going home and yet, Adam wanted him to go with him. Adam told him to go home, right?
He followed Adam to his truck. Adam threw their bags in the back and went to the passenger side and opened the door, helping Vince get into the car. Vince was so confused at this point. Why was Adam being so nice to him and what was going on? God this was confusing.
He had had a panic attack right in the middle of practice, then Adam found him and now he was in Adam’s car driving back to one of their houses, he was still unsure of whose they were going to. Part of Vince hoped that they were going to Adam’s house so Adam could take care of him more, the other part hoped that Adam just dropped him off at home and left him alone so he could sulk in peace.
The ride there was nothing special, Vince stared out the window most of the time, taking his attention off of literally everything. Whenever he had a panic attack he always got a little spacey afterwards. It was like his body was suddenly done with everything after attacking itself, and it sucked. A full on freak out and then he was so exhausted that he couldn’t do anything until he either slept or had caffeine in his system.
They arrived at their destination, which Vince noted wasn’t his house. They must be at Adam’s. Adam was around the car and opening his door before Vince could even process where they were. Adam held out his hand again for Vince to take, to help stabilize Vince as he got out of the car.
“You know I can handle myself right?” Vince stated with a bit of annoyance in his voice, though secretly he enjoyed the treatment.
Adam gave him a small smile, “I know you can, but you don’t have to all the time.”
Vince gave him a shrug and took his hand. It was nice to be taken care of like this, there was something soothing about it. How he had someone to take care of him and make the normal things that were usually so hard after something like that so much easier. It helped calm him down and he enjoyed it, though he would never say that out loud.
Adam led him into his house and to the living room, and to the couch where he helped Vince settle in. Adam grabbed him a soft blanket and helped wrap it around Vince, making sure he stayed warm, then he gave Vince the remote to his TV and told him to turn on whatever he wanted. Shortly after Adam left to go to the kitchen, Vince tried to follow him with his eyes but lost sight of him when he rounded the corner. It seemed like Adam wanted him to stay, so he stayed. He turned on something he wanted to watch, Hercules, the Disney movie. It was a guilty pleasure of his but he was sure Adam wouldn’t care.
Vince got cuddled into the couch, making sure he was comfy and for the first time that day he felt relaxed. Now that he was thinking about it, it was the first time in months that he actually felt relaxed, it was nice.
After about twenty minutes Adam came back with food. “Don’t worry, I didn’t actually cook, I just had to put it in the oven.” Adam joked.
The joke made Vince smile, “Thank god.” Vince said, and took his plate of food. Adam sat close to Vince. They ate in silence, watching the movie that was on.
Once Vince finished his food he tried to get up and put his plate in the sink, but Adam pushed him back to the couch and took the plate from his hands. He came back and settled in with Vince, closer than before and he put his arm on the back of the couch. Vince looked at that spot that was under Adam’s arm, he wanted nothing more than to cuddle right up against Adam, to feel his warmth, to feel his breathing and his heartbeat.
Adam must’ve noticed Vince staring, “Do you want to come over here?” Adam asked.
Vince froze for a few seconds, thinking, and he had the feeling that he got caught. He slowly nodded and moved over to cuddle up in that spot under Adam’s arm. He stayed stiff until Adam brought his arm down to rest on Vince’s back, rubbing up and down. Vince relaxed into Adam’s side, resting his head on his chest. He hasn’t felt this comfortable in a long time.
He was comfortable and relaxed, he couldn’t even remember when he fell asleep but he knew that he did, because he woke up he was curled even further into Adam’s side and Adam was wrapped around him.
Vince snuffled and pushed his face into Adam, almost hiding in a way. It was just so comfortable and he felt so safe. Only a few minutes later he felt Adam start to stir. Almost unconsciously Adam started rubbing Vince’s back.
God, Vince was in deep for Adam. Vince would never be able to get over him no matter how he tried because Adam was so gentle with him and he actually seemed to care about Vince.
“Are you awake?” Adam whispered, just in case Vince was still asleep.
Vince took a second more to enjoy the moment before he took his head out from where it was resting.
Vince hummed in response. Vince wasn’t sure what the boundaries were at this point so he stayed back a bit.
Adam immediately reached out to rest his hand in Vince’s hair. He started to play with Vince’s hair, “How are you feeling now?” Adam asked.
“Good. I feel really good Adam, thank you.” Vince said, blushing.
“I’m very glad. It’s almost time for dinner, would you like to stay?” Adam offered.
Vince nodded and then realized he didn’t have much of an option considering that his car was still at the rink.
Adam must’ve seen something in his face, “I’ll take you back to the rink to get your car if you want.” Adam offered as a way out.
Vince really didn’t want to leave yet, he wanted to spend as much time with Adam as possible, “If it’s okay, I think I would like to stay.” Vince said in a slightly hushed tone.
“Of course it’s okay. If it wasn’t I wouldn’t have offered.” Adam said, comforting Vince with his words, “Why don’t you stay here and I’ll go order something for us.”
“I could make something.” Vince said.
“No, you are going to rest, you need it.” Adam said, playfully stern.
Vince pouted but he let Adam go.
Adam came back a few minutes later, “I ordered pizza, don’t tell our nutritionist.” Adam laughed. “It’s going to be a while until it gets here, do you want to go shower, I know you didn’t get one after practice.”
Vince nodded, yawning right after.
“Maybe a bath instead, huh?” Adam said, jokingly.
“That sounds nice.” Vince said dreamily.
“I can set one up for you, sweetheart.” Adam said as he took Vince’s hand and led him to the bathroom and sat him down on the closed toilet lid while Adam worked on filling the bath.
Adam wandered in and out, grabbing random things that Vince would need. A towel, some clothes, and his phone.
“Just text me if you need anything, I’ll be around okay?” Adam said, stern and making sure that Vince knew he could ask for help.
“Okay, Adam.” Vince said fondly.
Vince spent a while in the bath, relaxing any sore muscles that he got while practicing. After a while, Vince was unsure of the time, Adam came knocking on the door, “Pizza is here.”
“Okay.” Vince replied.
Vince quickly toweled off and got dressed in the borrowed clothes that Adam gave him. He took a moment for himself to imagine living like this, living with Adam. He burrowed his face into Adam’s hoodie and enjoyed the smell of Adam’s clothing. Vince took a calming breath and walked out of the bathroom to find Adam.
Adam had set up paper plates and the pizza in the living room. Vince sat down next to Adam and Adam pulled Vince closer, “Is this okay?”
“Yes.” Vince said slightly breathless from the action.
They ate while they searched for a new movie to watch, Vince saying that Adam needed to pick it out this time because he picked it out last time. They bantered back and forth and got settled in while the movie started, Adam making Vince cuddle with him. It wasn’t really making him, Vince was pretty happy with the arrangement.
They were cuddled close and Vince leaned in just a little further everytime Adam spoke to him. Vince was tired and didn’t realize what he was doing. Adam did though, he smiled and leaned in closer, he waited for a second to see if Vince would say anything. Vince didn’t, though he did glance down at Adam’s lips.
Adam gave in and leaned in to close the small gap between them. Vince gasped into Adam’s mouth, then fully leaned into it. It was better than anything Vince could’ve ever imagined.
They kissed for a while, maybe not a full make out session but it could get there if they kept going.
They did break a part, though. Staring at each other, hoping the other would say something.
Vince broke the silence first, “I- I think I love you.”
Adam took a second, looking into Vince’s eyes to see if Vince actually meant it.
“I think I love you too.” Adam replied.
“You do?” Vince questioned, insecurity riddled his voice.
“Yes Vince, you think you’re difficult, but you’re not, you're so easy to love.” Adam said with such reverence that Vince had to believe him.
Vince’s eyes started tearing up. Adam reached up, wiping away the tears that started falling down his cheeks. Adam cupped Vince’s cheek and smiled softly.
“You’re so easy to love, sweetheart.” Adam said, leaning in for another kiss.
Vince kissed back right away, trying to show Adam how much he meant him.
“You’ve had a hard day, would you like to go to bed?” Adam asked once they broke a part.
Now that Adam had mentioned it, Vince was very tired. Vince nodded and Adam stood and picked Vince up with him. It surprised Vince and he made a squeaking noise, though he would never admit it.
Adam walked them to his bedroom and set Vince down on his bed. He tucked Vince in, which made Vince blush hard, he felt so cared for, he had never felt like this and he loved it.
“Is it okay if we share the bed?” Adam asked, and he actually seemed nervous.
“Of course.” Vince replied, surprised that Adam asked.
Adam crawled in bed next to him and pulled Vince close to him. Holding Vince tightly and pressing a kiss to the top of Vince’s head.
There wasn’t a time since they got back to Adam’s house that Vince wasn’t blushing. It was nice though.
“We have a lot to talk about.” Adam stated.
“We do.” Vince said, knowing that Adam wouldn’t do anything to hurt him on purpose.
“But for now, let’s sleep.” Adam said, giving Vince one last squeeze before laying his head down and falling asleep. It took Vince a bit longer, but feeling safe in Adam’s arms, it didn’t take long.
They fell asleep curled up together in Adam’s bed. They did have a lot to talk about, though as long as Vince had Adam by his side, he knew he’d be able to get through it.