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Darry was trying to sleep. It had been a long ass day and he needed to get up early in the morning. The windows were open, blowing a warm breeze over him. The house was calm. It should have been so easy to sleep.
Something kept him awake. Since becoming a guardian to his brothers, sometimes he got this feeling in his gut that something was about to happen. He felt it when Pony came home late that night and when Soda approached him to tell him he wanted to drop out. It was this sixth sense he had for his boys. That was what he felt that night.
So he stayed lying there, waiting for something to happen. He was about to give up with his bedroom door creaked open.
He knew who it was immediately. No one in the gang would have come into his bedroom without knocking, except for his brothers. And he would have heard Ponyboy hesitating in the hallway on the creaky floorboards before coming in. So it had to be Soda.
Darry rolled over and sat up just as Soda perched on the edge of the bed, curling his legs up. His little brother was wearing a truly hideous t-shirt he probably stole from Steve and his hair was all askew as though he’d been running his fingers through it. But the biggest tell was how he kept chewing on his bottom lip.
“What’s goin’ on?” Darry asked, his voice a little deeper than usual from disuse.
Soda shrugged, but moved into Darry’s space and tucked his legs under the blankets. A long conversation then. With Pony, he tended to need a lot of build up before admitting what was wrong. With Soda, he would just jump right into it, but it would take longer for Darry to get him calmed down and comforted.
It didn’t surprise him when Soda swallowed thickly and said, “Darry, I can’t do what you do.” His voice had a waiver of emotion to it.
“What are you talking about, Pepsi?” Darry asked, mind racing as he tried to figure out what was wrong. Soda was an emotional person, but this seemed different. This was heavier than his usual caliber. This reminded Darry too much of how Soda was after their parents died.
He threw himself into taking care of Pony, but when he was alone, there was a heavy aura around him. Darry felt that same thing now. There was a solemnity to Soda that Darry almost never saw, it worried him a lot. A lot more than Darry would ever admit.
Soda sniffed and wiped his nose on his sleeve, he leaned a little heavier against Darry. “Everything you do for me and Pony and the boys. But if you’re not here, then-then it has to be me and I know I couldn’t do it and I’d just fall apart.”
As he talked, Soda’s voice got thicker and thicker with tears until Darry brought his little brother into a tight hug. Soda clung to him tight.
“I’m not going anywhere,” Darry told him. Where could this idea have come from? It was ridiculous, the notion that Darry would ever leave his brothers or his gang.
“You don’t know that,” Soda said, his voice pitifully soft. “We didn’t think mom and dad would leave.”
So that’s what it was about. He’d talked to Pony about the same thing after one of his nightmares. After losing their parents so suddenly, anxiety of abrupt loss plagues the three boys. Darry couldn’t help but feel the same, he worried every time one of his brothers came home late.
Darry’s eyes fell closed and he tried to hold Soda even tighter. “I know, honey.”
“You could get hurt at work or a car accident or-”
Darry hushed him and ran a hand over Soda’s head. He just hugged his brother for a moment while thinking of what to say. He couldn’t tell him that it wasn’t going to happen, he couldn’t promise his brother that he would always be there.
“I don’t want you to worry about any of that,” Darry told him. “But, I get why you do and I hate that it’s something we need to worry about.”
Soda pulled back, “Will you tell me what I should do? Dar, I’m going to be lost if you’re not here.”
Darry could hear the tears getting thick in Soda’s voice so he cut in quickly to reassure him. “I’ll tell you what, I will put something together for you that if…if the worst happens, it should make it easier.”
When their parents died, Darry wished he had an instruction manual on what to do. He had to figure out where all of the bills were supposed to go, how to pay them, how to get custody of his brothers, and had to plan their funeral. The thought of Soda being in that position made Darry’s stomach turn.
“But,” Darry squeezed his hand, “but I ain’t letting you look at it. I don’t want you worrying any more than you already do, okay?”
Soda nodded. He hugged Darry again.
“And while we’re talkin’ about that kind of serious stuff…” Darry sighed. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to say for a while.” Soda lifted his head up, and looked at Darry in confusion. “I never apologized to you for how I dealt with mom and dad.” Soda started to shake his head, but Darry cut him off. “No, I threw myself into trying to keep everything together with the house and custody. You stepped up with helping Pony and I wasn’t there for either of you the way I should have been. I’m sorry.”
Soda threw himself back against Darry and all but tackled him into a hug. “We were all grieving and if you hadn’t done that, who knows where we would be.”
Darry kissed Soda’s head, “Don’t mean I’m not sorry. You did so much for Pony and I wish I’d done the same for you.”
Soda hugged Darry so tight, Darry worried he might crack one of his ribs. But he didn’t mind.
The two of them sat there for a long moment. Darry found himself missing when the two of them were younger and sharing a bedroom. Soda would jump onto his bed in the middle of the night and wake him up just to tell him about whatever weird dream he had. Half the time, Soda ended up asleep on the foot of Darry’s bed.
He wished so much that they didn’t have to grow up so fast, any of them.
“You should get back to Pony,” Darry said after a while. “He’s going to wake up and come stompin’ in here, looking for you.”
Soda chuckled, “I love you, Dar.”
“Love you too,” Darry replied. He gave his brother a light shove towards the door. He couldn’t resist adding, “It’s going to be okay, Pepsi. I promise.”
Soda smiled, “Thanks.”
And as he disappeared into the hallway, Darry laid back down with a sigh. That had been something he wanted to say for the longest time and Soda’s forgiveness…it meant the world to him.