Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Walking into class, I took a seat in the front, to see better, of course.

I reached into my bag, pulling out a pen and the assignment we’ve been working on for the past few days, until my eyes darted towards the entrance.

Max was walking in, that motherfucker. He looked wrecked, maybe hungover? Yeah, definitely hungover. And damn, it looked bad.
He had insane dark circles under his eyes, and his hair was fucked up.

Looking around me, I notice that the only empty seat left was next to me on the right.
But this is usual for me, after how the X-Games ended last year, nobody’s really been talking to me.

I let my head rest downwards, trying to focus on my paper I had on my desk.
Yet I couldn’t, my eyes would always drift back to Max and his stupid, freak self.

All of the sudden, he started to come towards my way. At first I thought I was just seeing things. Schizophrenia is a real thing, maybe I was getting it?
No, no I wasn’t seeing things. Max Goof was walking to me.

I quickly take my eyes off him, not wanting to think I’m staring or anything, which I’m not. I’m just observing.

My heart started to get faster as he sat next to me, his elbow almost touching mine.
Now, feeling like my insides are gonna get puked out from, hatred? Anxiety? I’m unsure but it feels somewhat negative.

Drawing my eyes back to him, he was passed out, sitting upright.
I suppressed a small chuckle and looked back downwards.

What a freak, goes out drinking all night and comes to school not taking care of himself from the night before. It’s like he doesn’t know how to be a real adult.

Noticing my pen to my left, a lightbulb goes off in my head.
This is going to be hilarious.

I grab it and look at Max, getting slightly closer as I start scribbling little words like, “Stupid” and, “Loser.”
I let out a small laugh as his eyes started to open, getting ahold of my stare.

We stayed still for a few moments, him staring at me, and my pen still in my hand on his face.
After a good few seconds, he grabbed the pen and started drawing on my face, presumably in retaliation for what I did.

A few successful doodles in, I retrieve the pen and get back at him, drawing long lines all across his face.

We went back and forth for around a minuet, he would grab the pen from me and draw on my face, then I’d do the same to him.

“What is happening, Uppercrust and Goof!”
The professor called, Max and I both immediately stop and stare at the teacher.
Oh fuck.

“Both of you, out of here and to the main office!”

“But-“ I tried to answer but the teacher shoo’d us away.
I obeyed, as well as Max, and we left to the office.

No words were spoken between us while we walked, but quick glances were exchanged.
Very quick, and unmeaning-full glances, may I add.

Reaching the office, the principal was already there, giving us the death stare.

I open my mouth to protest any punishment against me before he spoke, “I won’t punish you.”

I sigh out of relief, thank fuck. I don’t need this ruining my reputation more as a shitty person-

“Unless you count social embarrassment as a punishment.”

My eyes widened and my heart started to beat faster than before.

“Um, Sir. What exactly do you mean?” Max asked, I had the same question burning in my mind.

“Follow me.”
He spoke, and we did.

He led us outside to the busiest part of the campus, you could literally see around twenty students walking to class, sitting down or just existing in this area at all times. There were two chairs set up right next to each other, and he motioned us to sit in them.

I did, begrudgingly. Facing the most I could away from Max.

“Now, hold hands until you stop hating each other. Or, if you can’t do that. Do it for ten minuets.”

Feeling a sense of embarrassment and anger build up inside me, I burst out.

“What? No! I’m not doing that. There’s so many people here!”

“Think of it as a social punishment. Instead of getting you in trouble school wise, I’m letting you off the hook easy. Don’t fight with me, Uppercrust.”

I sighed, not letting myself look at Max as I felt his hand meeting mine, very loosely may I add.

The principal laughed and walked away, going back inside.

I set my head in my free hand, feeling that same anxious-hatred feeling brew inside me again.

Maybe I should look at Max.
No, no I shouldn’t. I have no reason to.
I felt my eyes slowly slipping towards him, I couldn’t stop myself.

He had his free hand covering his face with his elbow on his knee farthest from me.
Keeping my eyes on him, I took in every feature I could, his long black hair with his stupid red and black shirt.

Max took his hand off his face and let it hang between his legs, revealing a small amount of pink across his face. Most likely out of anger, I would feel the same if I were him.

His eyes met mine, and I felt that shit feeling get stronger.
I fucking hate him.

“Why are you staring at me?”
He asked, and it completely caught me off guard.

“Well- Cause I want to make sure that you hate this too. Also, I wasn’t staring, I was observing, two totally different things.”
I reply in defense.

“Uh huh, sure.”
He gave a small smirk and held on a bit tighter to my hand and looked away, letting out the smallest chuckle.

How dare he try to embarrass me like that? Who does he think he is? Does he really think he’s better than me?

“Oh, shut up. Just because you won the X-Games last year doesn’t mean you can be a bitch. You’re not better than me in any way, so don’t even think like that.”

He stayed quiet for a few seconds before catching my eyes again, still keeping his hand firm on mine, making me feel strangely nauseous.

“I never said I was better than you?”
He said, a blank expression with a hint of confusion hitting him.

“Yeah yeah, Goof, sure.”

Max stopped looking at me, but the nausea didn’t go away.
Maybe it’s because I’m being forced to hold hands with a boy.

I look down to our hands, still keeping my grip extremely loose.

Wonder how he would react if I tighten it.

No, no. That’s stupid.
I shouldn’t.
I won’t.
…I did it.

My hand tightened around his, not a lot, but enough for me to feel his warm hands fully consume mine.
He flinched slightly, but no words were said.

We stayed like that for the rest of the ten minutes. The occasional person would walk by, laugh, maybe take a picture. God, if anyone shows that shit to anyone I’m gonna…
I shouldn’t think like that, if anything I’d get jumped before I jump anyone else.

After the ten minuets was up, the principal came back outside and told us to head back in.
I let go of Maxs hand, feeling some of the nausea drift away, which felt like a boulder off of my shoulders.

I walked as quick as I could back to class, not focusing on Max and working on my paper.
If I actually wanna graduate, I’m gonna need to fucking do this shit.

Chapter Text

Getting to the Gamma house, which is where I’ve been staying for a while now, I grab my keys from my pocket and I unlock the door. I hang my bag up and head to my room.

Strangely, the rest of the Gammas have let me stay here, as long as I’m not around when they are, which is usually during the day.

I laid down on my bed and checked my phone, seeing a random number texted me.

Clicking on the text presented me with a photo of Max and I at school earlier, holding hands.
Great, just what I needed, more attention from the public.

My blood boiling with anger and my face turning into a scowl, I gently toss my phone to the other side of the room and close my eyes, letting out a heavy sigh.

God, I don’t fucking need more attention.

I felt my body turn stiff and my annoyance grow as the image sent to me flashed in my head. How Max’s stupid hand was holding so firmly onto mine, how he tried to make a fool out of myself.
How do I make myself feel better?

I need to loosen up, I heard there was a bar nearby the Bean Scene downtown a while back, but I never went. Being not much of a drinker, and a lightweight, I never thought of it as something to help me with stress.

But maybe tonight will change that.
Turning to the side, I spot my alarm clock, it had just hit 8PM.
I guess I should go now, before it gets too late.

I pick myself up and grab my phone from the floor, throwing on a dark brown jacket and heading out the house.

,,,,,,,,

Walking in, a distinct smell of alcohol hit my nose, it was gross. There were yellowish lights hanging from the ceiling and a long counter to serve drinks off of.

It was fucking crowded.
Moving past several people, I reach the counter and ordered a shot of whiskey, hoping it won’t taste disgusting.
The bartender passed it over the table and I paid.

I picked up the small glass and headed towards the most empty corner of the bar, hoping nobody would pay much attention.

My body weight rested on the wall as I took the tinniest sip of the whiskey. Feeling the sharp taste burn down my throat, I cough and my tongue curls in my mouth from disapproval.

In my peripheral vision, I see a familiar face. My eyes dart up to spot Max, and his idiotic friends.
Something was off, Max was seemingly arguing with both of them.

I drag my eyes back downwards and take the entire shot of the whiskey, regretting it only seconds after due to the unpleasant feeling it gave me.

Maybe one more would do the trick.
Feeling my weight press against the wooden floor as I walk to the counter again, I order another drink. The guy takes my glass and refills it, I pay and start to head back to my spot in the corner.

All the sudden I feel a bit of the alcohol spray onto my jacket and someone slamming into me.
Looking down, it was Max, he had bumped into me.

“Why the fuck are you here?” I let out in an annoyed tone, taking down the last of the whiskey left in the glass, “You’re way too young to be here.”

“I’m twenty. In less than a year I’ll be able to come here without a fake ID.” He replied, in the same agitated tone I gave to him.
“Why are you here? Never took you as a drinker.”

My eyebrows furrowing downwards and my anger starting to really show, I gripped the empty glass tighter.

“I’m not, I just wanted to do something fun. Plus, I know better than to get shitfaced like you did last night.” I slurred, giving him judgmental eyes.

He gave me a look of confusion.
“How do you know I got drunk last night?”

Feeling my face heat up, I internally blamed the alcohol and got defensive.

“You looked like shit today in class, absolutely wrecked. What is it, popularity not good enough for you, so you have go kill your liver every night?” I snarked, keeping my eyes off of his and leaving them on the ground with my head up.

He stayed quiet for a few moments before speaking, “You noticed all that?”
He fucking ignored all my jabs at him.

“Well obviously!” I mockingly said, “it was practically in everyone’s faces!”

The awkwardness of the situation was starting to creep in, so I filled in the blankness.

“Anyways, what was happening with you and your clown friends? I could hear you guys over all these people around.”

Max sighed, “They told me that they wanna have their own dorms due to the new school year. Even though we promised we’d stay together all 4 years.”

I stayed listening to him as he spoke, finally looking into his eyes as he was looking away. When he was done explaining, his eyes met mine and I quickly ripped mine away, feeling something unknown to me hit me like a train.

“Why do you even want to know?”
He asked, curiosity and annoyance running down his face.

“I don’t even know, I don’t want to get caught up in your stupid friend drama.” I let out a small laugh and turned around, getting ready to leave.

“Bye, freshman.”
Again, I spoke in a mocking tone.

“I’m not a fucking freshman anymore, Bradley!”
He replied, raising his voice slightly so I could hear him as I walked away and placed my glass on a random table, leaving the bar.

As I walked back to the Gamma house, I could feel the effects of the alcohol kick in more. It wasn’t that bad, but it didn’t feel good.
I don’t think I’m gonna be doing that ever again.

My mind wondered, why did I want to know about Maxs stupid drama? I didn’t really want to hear him, did I?
No, there’s no way I could.

That stupid of me to think, actually wanting to hear what he has to say? That’s some bullshit.

“You know what else is bullshit?” I whisper to myself, alone and cold on the sidewalk.
“His stupid hair and his shitty eyes, the way he looks when he smiles, or the way he looks when he mocks me.”

“And his voice. His voice makes me wanna pull my hair out-“

I could listen to it for hours.

What the fuck was that?
That wasn’t like me at all.
Am I gaining schizophrenia?
Can you even gain that?

Feeling the unknown feeling start to brew inside of me again, anger started to fill my head.
I bet my thoughts took it out of context, I could listen to him fight with me for hours, only for me to win of course. Yeah, that’s what I meant.

Nothing else.
In any other way, that would be disgusting. Boys don’t think like that, boys can’t think like that.
Those type of people are freaks.

I walk up to the Gamma house and spot a piece of paper hanging on the door.

“To Bradley, you have 24 hours to pack your stuff and find a new place, we’re evicting you, now that you’re not apart of the Gammas, traitor.
-The people you fucked over.”

My eyes widened in fear, ripping the paper off the door and re-reading it.

“Fuck, fuck no.” I quietly cried out, where the hell was I supposed to go? I can’t just be homeless!
I let myself inside the house and quickly enter my room, throwing my jacket on the ground and sitting on my bed, paper in hand.

“What am I gonna do now?”

Chapter Text

As my consciousness came back to me, my eyes fluttered open, feeling a sense of tiredness wash over my body.
I grab my phone and check the time. 7:00AM, Saturday.

Taking a look to my right, I spot the paper I was examining last night. Placing it back in my hands, I remember why I was so anxious. I let out a small sigh and placed the paper back next to me and got up, walking to the bathroom.

I take a quick shower and brush my teeth, walking out of the bathroom and pulling on a white undershirt with a deep red long sleeve over shirt, along with some khaki pants.

Quickly scanning the room, I spot a medium sized suitcase and grab it. I place it on my bed, opening it, and shove as much clothes as I could in there, as well as my phone, my charger, and my essentials.

“This is so fucked up,” I quietly talk to myself, “I can’t believe they’re kicking me out! After practically giving this house to them! This is so humiliating!”

I groan, putting on my bag and grabbing the suitcase.
As I reached the front door to leave, I take one last glance back, suddenly remembering all the good times I had here.

Everything that I had done for these people, only to fuck them all over and almost kill them.
Now they were kicking me out.

I give the place a scowl and turn back to the door, turning the knob and walking out. Feeling the cool air breeze on my hair, I start to walk to the main office, maybe they can help.

Now walking alongside the road, I take my eyes up to the sky. It was dark and grey, clouds covering any sign on sun.
I watched as the clouds moved by, slowly but surely passing everything below it.

My attention was brought to down below me when I heard a crunch. My eyes darted downwards, seeing a red leaf under my foot. Looking up slightly, there was a tree, dripping with fall leaves.

The atmosphere was cozy, comforting even. It almost felt like I hadn’t just turned homeless.
Almost, felt like that. The burning feeling of having no stable place to stay was still there, ravishing me on the inside.

Pressing forward, I was in eye reach of the main office.
My eyes were set on the building until a voice could be heard behind me, I turn, spotting a short woman with blond hair looking at me, not too far away.

“Hey, aren’t you that guy who was holding hands with another boy?”

Feeling a sense of anxiety rise in my stomach and my eyebrows moving up, I answer.
“Technically, yes. How did you know?”

“That image has been shown to like- every person on campus. Fucking faggot.”
She sneered, walking away afterwards.

I stood, too stunned to speak or move.
The hell did she just call me?
I’m not a faggot.
I don’t like boys like that.
I don’t associate with those kinds of people.

Letting my head hang down low, I start to continue my journey to the office. Shame rising to my chest, almost coming out as a small groan out of disgust. Either to myself, or to thinking of myself as such a person.

I shook my head of those thoughts and reached the office, turning the cold doorknob and walking in.

Looking around, I spot the main desk.

“Um, hello.”
I spoke, trying to get the workers attention.

“Yes? What can I help you with?”
The lady at the desk replied.

“I maybe thought someone here could help me with finding a place to stay. I currently don’t have somewhere.”
I explain, fidgeting with my hands.

“Go to room 4 on the left, they can help.”
She dryly answered, not looking up from her computer.

I just nod and walk to the room, opening it and seeing an old man sit on a computer, while simultaneously looking at some files on his desk.

“Oh, hello there. Take a seat.”
He says, and I sit on a small chair next to his desk.

”What seems to be the issue?”

“I don’t have a place to stay, and I was wondering if you could help me find somewhere. To see if I have any options.”

He sighed, coughing slightly at the end while picking up his stack of papers in the file and hitting them on the table, lining them up with one another.

“Well, you could try to find a dorm someplace nearby. Or,” He looked directly into my eyes, “We could pair you up with someone.”

Option number one sounded way harder than option number two. I don’t even know if there’s any available dorms around this area, plus, my father said after how the X-Games ended last year, he wouldn’t give me anymore money for the next year.

“How does it work if you pair me up with someone?”
I ask.

“Pairing you up with someone would mean that you’d have to the type of person to easily get along with others,” he coughed once more, “are you that type of person?”

I internally roll my eyes, and I nod.

“Ok then, well. Really all that happens is we find someone who’s willing to get a new roommate, and we pair you up with them. Come back here in a few hours and we’ll have it ready for you.”
He explained.

“Ok, thank you.” I gave a small smile and left the building, now outside, I sat on a bench.
Keeping my eyes to the sky, my mind wondered.

“I really hope whoever I get doesn’t wanna rip my guts out…”

,,,,,,,,,,,

Feeling a small vibration from my pocket, I reach in and flip the phone open, seeing the school had called me back.

“Hello?”
I pick up the phone.

“Hello, Mr. Uppercrust. We found someone for you to be paired up with, come back to the main office so you can get your keys.”
The lady at the front from earlier office spoke.

“Alright, I’m on my way.”
I reply, hanging up and putting my phone back, grabbing my bag alongside my suitcase, and heading back to the office.

It wasn’t that long a walk, I decided to stay close by in case they called back earlier.

As I walked in, the lady at the front desk looked up at me.
Approaching, she spoke.
“Here are your keys. Your dorm is in building three, room eighteen.”

I nod and take the keys, thanking the office lady and leaving.

Stepping outside once more, I feel the air had gotten colder.
I shiver slightly, shoving my hands in my pockets and pushing forwards to the building where my new dorm was.

Letting my mind wonder, to distract myself from the frigid air, I ponder; who’s going to be my new roommate?

Hopefully someone who’s clean, and doesn’t hate me. I would like it if it was someone who didn’t talk to me that much, either.

But I really don’t have a choice, this is the only option I have. Without this, I’d be homeless.
I’d take this over not knowing where to sleep any day.

Getting lost in thought, a huge gust of wind blew at me, making my body feel like it was in the tundra.
I gripped onto the suitcase and walked faster, hoping the movement of walking would make me warmer.

Pressing along and reaching the building, I open the door and walk inside. Seeing a long hallway, doors all along the wall, seemingly leading to rooms.
My eyes drift along to my right, seeing an elevator.

I step inside, clicking the button to go to floor two.
Feeling it start to move up, my anxiety increased and my heart rate elevated.

As soon as the elevator stopped, I gripped the suitcase once more and strode across the floor, reaching room eighteen and grabbing the keys out of my pocket.

Placing the keys into the slot in the door and turning, my heart almost jumping out of my chest, I spot a very, very familiar face.

Stood, stuck in fear, I watched Max, sitting on his bed, look up from his phone and stare at me, the same level of shock as I.

After a few moments of staring, he finally broke the silence.

“Why are you here? Don’t you have a place already?”
He questioned, some anger coming out as well.

My eyes, previously connected to his, darted away.

“Things happened.”
I awkwardly replied, still standing in the doorway.

“Well, don’t be weird and just stand there.” He said, giving light amounts of attitude through his tone.

I walk in, purposely keeping my eyes off his. Looking to my left, I spot a bunk bed, a very empty one, to be that.

Sitting on the bottom bunk and my vision darting to the ground, my thoughts raced almost as fast as my heart.

Why the fuck- no scratch that, how the fuck did I get paired with him?
Don’t the staff know I shouldn’t be around him after what happened last year?
This isn’t right.

It’s not like I can just, go back to the office and demand a refund though.
It really just comes down to if I’d rather stay here with him, or sleep outside, freezing temperatures, no cover, no safety.

Ok, I’m taking this.

“What happened?”
Maxs voice pulled me out of my own head, my eyes finally match his.

After staring for a few seconds, I once again, pull my eyes off his.

“Got kicked out of the Gamma house. After what happened, they didn’t want me around anymore.” I spoke, bitterness leaking out of my voice.

I watched as Max continued to stare, in my peripheral vision, a blank yet amused face consuming him.

“Surprised they didn’t kick you out sooner, considering you almost killed me and Tank.”
A small smirk appeared across his mouth, pissing me off.

“I didn’t mean to, it was an accident! If anything it was your fucking dad who threw that god damn horseshoe at me to make me fall on the button!”
I raised my voice, how fucking dare he blame me.

“Don’t you fucking blame my dad-“ he sighed, “Just, we’re gonna have to get used to each other, so shut up and try not to be a bitch, ok?”
He spoke, anger rising in him at first, then calming down, somehow keeping composure.

“Oh but Max, being a bitch is my favorite thing to be.”
I give him a cocky grin.

He rolls his eyes, “My friends wanna hangout with me, I’m leaving. Don’t touch anything on my side.”
An irritated tone coming out of his mouth, he shoved his phone in his pocket and left the room.

Now, alone. I curl up into the fetal position on the empty bed.
I sigh. Anger, anxiety, annoyance, all at once taking over me.
As well as something else.
Butterflies.

I placed my head in my hands, annoyance being the main emotion pulsing through me.

“This sucks…”

Chapter Text

Sitting in the backseat of my father’s car, I look up to him. His face filled of anger; he couldn’t even look at me.

“Why did you pick me up early?”
I ask, I don’t know what I did wrong, but I still feel guilty.

“We’ll talk about it with your mother.”
He spoke in a low tone, making my anxiety rise.

As we drove away from my catholic, private middle school, nausea rose to my chest.
I’m going to get in trouble.
I did something wrong.
I messed up.

A few minutes later, we got to my house. I opened the car door and left, heading inside.
Seeing my mother sitting on the couch, I took a deep breath and sat across from her.

My father sat next to my mother, anger and disgust very apparent from their faces.

“What did I do?”

My father looked at me, ignoring my question with eyebrows furrowed.

“Why did the principal call me telling me you were holding hands with a boy?”

Feeling the nausea get worse, I try to reply.

“I-“

Before I could speak, my father spoke again.

“Do you know how this will affect our family? Our image?”

“I’m sorry, he’s just a friend-“
I raise my hands in defense, I small sob coming out of my mouth.

“Don’t cry, you’ll make us look even worse.” My mother started, “You did something very, very wrong, Bradley.”

Another sob came out of my mouth, but I covered it with my hand.

“You can never, do that again.” Her tone became more fast, and angry. The levels of rage increased in her voice.

“I’m sorry, I’ll never do it again, I promise-“
My entire body started shaking.

“You better keep that fucking promise. There is no place in the Uppercrust family for a damned queer.” My father said, standing up and slapping me across the face. Leaving me sat quietly in fear, mouth agape.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

My eyes shot open, feeling sweat drip down my forehead and tears in my eyes. I was sitting up, before I completely made a fool of myself, I swiftly composed myself.

A small pain arose in my face, thinking it was from the dream, I sigh, lightly touching my cheek.

I looked around, taking in the scene.
I’m not at my childhood house.
I’m in my dorm.

Lying on my back, my head turns to see Max, dead asleep.
A wave of shame washed over me, disgust even.

Standing up, I give a small scowl in Maxs direction.

I then leave to go shower, brush my teeth and comb my hair.
Picking out a light blue undershirt and a dark peacock blue over shirt, I get ready and leave the bathroom.

I grabbed my phone from my bed and placed it in my pocket.
I most definitely should go to the library and study, I have a C in math right now, and if it stays there, my father won’t be too happy about that.

As I reach for the doorknob, I hear a tired voice come from behind me.

“Where are you going?”
Max murmured.

“Library.”
I reply dryly.

Leaving the room, I close the door and lock it behind me.

As I walked to the library, a chill gets sent down my spine.

“Must be like, 30 degrees out here or something.” I say to myself, huddling in my shirts.

Walking faster, I approached the library and opened the door.

I could feel everyone’s eyes on me.
After all, I was the psychopathic bitch who tried to kill people last year.
I groan a bit at the thought and pick up a trigonometry book.

Sitting down at a seat with no one near it, I start to study.

But I couldn’t.
The dream I had before kept popping up in my mind.
How my father had called me a queer.
Then I remembered how the random lady in the street called me a faggot.

I rub my eyes with my hand, soothing the headache coming on.

“I’m not a fucking fag..”
I mumble under my breath.

“I’m not like that..”

Then, Max popped into my head.
I hated how the universe was basically pushing him and I together.
I hate him.
I’m supposed to hate him.
So why don’t I..

Don’t get me wrong, there’s a part of me that does.
But I can’t help but feel a part of me also wants to get to know him.

“I hate this, fucking bullshit..”
I quietly slam my head onto the table, keeping it there for a good few seconds.

“I hate you, Max Goof.”

Chapter Text

I had finished my work and was now beginning to pack up. It had been around three hours of me studying.
Picking up and checking my phone, I saw it was 11:00AM now.

My eyes wondered around the library, suddenly landing on Tank, staring at me.
Oh shit.

We locked eyes, I felt my heart start to pound out of my chest and I packed up faster.
But not fast enough, he was only a few steps away from me.

“Hey sweetheart, what the hell are you doing out and about? Aren’t you too ashamed to show your face?” He spoke, keeping his eyes on me and a smile on his face, his anger very much showing in his voice.

I stayed quiet, packing up as fast as I can but stumbling over pencils and pens, dropping my entire bags contents all over the floor.

Tank laughed, “Hah! You can’t even put shit away! Here, let me help.” He grinned as he grabbed my hand and started to bend back my fingers, making them burn from the pain.

“Fuck, that hurts! Stop Tank!”
I yelled, catching people’s attention.

I tried pushing him away, but he was too strong. Looking around desperately for help, I spot someone.

“What’s happening here?”
Max asks, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking between Tank and I.

“Oh, nothing baby. Just playing around with Brad here.”
Tank immediately let go, smiling like nothing had happened.

“Weren’t you hurting him?”
Max asked, I looked behind him and spotted PJ and Bobby standing a good distance from him, watching us.

“Don’t worry about that, he deserves it after all. A little broken finger wouldn’t hurt.” Tank laughed in a low voice. I massaged my hand to try to get rid of the pain.

Max then gave me a quick concerned glance, I met his eyes and gave him a ‘please get him to fuck off’ Look.

“Yeah, he is an asshole, but I think he’s had enough shit for now, don’t you think? After all, you did kick him out.”

“Yeah, yeah, ok. I’ll see you later, baby.”
Tank grinned once more, taking an evil look at me and heading off in the direction he came from.

I sigh, still trying to get the pain out of my hand.
Keeping my eyes on my hand, I could feel Max’s gaze burn through my skull.

“Are you ok?”
He asked.

In some sort of shocked way, I look up and meet his eyes.
Why does he care? He shouldn’t. He’s probably trying to make a fool out of me right now, thinking that I’m helpless.
I’m not fucking helpless.

I start to tap my pointer finger and my thumb together over and over as a way to get rid of any anxiety. I had been doing this ever since I was young, and surprisingly, it helped.

“I’m fine, I’m fine.”
I respond, defensiveness rushing out of my voice.

“You know Tank’s gonna fuck you up if you stay here, right?”
Max says, not really phased by my attitude. Wow, did I really fall off that hard?

“Yeah, and I’m fine with it. Why, are you suggesting I leave here and go with you?”
I spit out, obviously not being serious. I would never actually go out and be seen with this fucking loser.

I guess Max took what I said seriously as what he said next shook me.

“Since you have no one else, I guess.”

I scoffed, “I’m not going to go along with your group of delinquents!”

Standing by my statement, my eyes draw back to Tank, standing in front of a far away bookshelf, staring at me, smiling.

Gulping away my anxiety, I take my thoughts back to Max.

“Fine, whatever.”

,,,,,,,,,

I sat alone on the edge of the skatepark, looking down, seeing PJ on a skateboard and Bobby rollerblading around.

I then spot Max, he was laughing with his friends about something, I couldn’t hear them.

I can’t believe I’ve been dragged into being around these people, especially Max. It’s disgusting that I have to be around him, he’s already my roommate, I don’t need more of him.

But I guess just sitting here doesn’t hurt.

Max’s eyes trail up to mine, and I felt a small amount of butterflies reach my stomach.
I started to crack my knuckles as a way of distraction.

Taking my eyes off him and looking at the hard concrete below, I feel Max’s presence as he sat down next to me.

“You look dead inside.”
He remarks, keeping his eyes off of me.

“So what?”
I dryly reply, keeping all and any emotion locked away.
That was easy.

“I’m just saying, you look like you haven’t gotten decent sleep in years.”

“What do you mean by that?”
Of course I sleep well. I always take time to make sure I look the best I can.

“Dark circles under your eyes, more fidgety and jittery than usual. Something’s up with you today.” He then matched gazes with me, “Is it because of the whole Tank thing?”
He asked and I completely got lost in thought.

How can I have dark circles? I know I don’t always don’t always take the best care of myself and my needs. But I always make sure that what I do never has an effect on my physical appearance.

“Why do you care?”
I ask, simply staring back at him.

“You’re my roommate”
He simply responded.

“What does that have to do with anything?”
Ok now he was pissing me off.

“I don’t want to fall asleep next to someone every night who’s always bitching.”
I could tell he was starting to get pissed off too by the way I was talking.

Slowly moving my eyes away from him and back down to below me, I sigh.

Should I be honest with him?
I think I will.

“No, it wasn’t cause of Tank. I had a nightmare.”
I calmly tell him, feeling a mix of butterflies and shame.
So, so much shame.

“A nightmare?” He softens, “about?”

I uncomfortably shift around, not really wanting to get into detail.
“Past stuff.”

“Like what?”
He pushes on.

Now continuing to crack my knuckles, this time just on my hand that wasn’t effected by Tank, I speak, “Um, I’m not really comfortable going on with that.”

Max and I sit in silence for a few seconds. Did I fuck up?

The silence started to creep into my thoughts, making my anxiety go off like an alarm. I started to think about the dream I had last night.
My father is a very distinguished man, he has a billion dollar business wich he has given me the opportunity to inherent.
He never really wanted me, I don’t think.

Of course he wanted someone to take over his business one day, but I don’t think he ever wanted a child. He never acted like he did, neither did my mother. She would blame me for things I had never done, calling me a failure in almost anything I didn’t achieve.

My mother was more of the mental side, while my father was more of the physical side.
Whenever I would do something they deemed as bad, I could get berated by my mother, getting called all sorts of names. And then I’d get passed over to my father, who would slap, punch and spit on me, even occasionally pulling on my hair.

At some points, it would get so bad to the point where I’d throw up after a particularly bad beating.

Now thinking about it, my parents never seemed to love each other. They would always fight, but never get physical. I would be in my room as a small pre-teen hearing these two grown adults yelling their lungs out at one another, throwing and shoving insults down one’s throats.

“Wanna skate?”
I heard Max ask, pulling me out of my own mind. He stood up, offering a hand to me.

Feeling the butterflies that I tried so hard to push down, get worse, I look at him, seeing a big, genuine smile on his face.

“Ok.” I say, going against everything I’ve told myself and took his hand, letting him help me up.

I needed a way to forget about everything I had been thinking about anyways. Even though I know I’ll be seeing my parents again, In just two months for thanksgiving.
I wish time went slower.

I immediately let go of his hand. We then walked together to where Max’s friends were.

Max grabbed his skateboard, looking at me, who didn’t have one.
I haven’t had my skateboard since I lived in the Gamma house, and I haven’t even fucking ridden it since the X-Games. I had no reason to now, I’m not allowed to play in this year’s games.

“Wanna use mine?”
Max asked, I nodded.

I step onto it, adjusting to the feeling, making my legs wobbly.

“When was the last time you skated?” Max laughed, leaving me with a small scowl on my face.

“Since the X-Games last year. I don’t have my skateboard anymore since I moved out of the Gamma house.”

“You mean, since you got kicked out of the Gamma house?” He let out another small laugh and looked to Bobby.

“Ohhhh right, didn’t he like, almost turn homeless?” Bobby said, elongating words he didn’t need to. He always sounded high, I wouldn’t be surprised if he actually was.

“Yes.”
I gave an angry smile, feeling my eye twitch.

My left leg locked and I almost fell off the skateboard, letting out a small yelp.
Max caught my side that was falling and helped me stabilize myself.

“Wow, really can’t stand on one of these after years of doing it?” He giggles, keeping me stable with his hands keeping me afloat.

“No, my legs just can’t fucking do it right now.”
I mumble, keeping my eyes downwards towards the issue at hand, my legs.

“Oh c’mon Brad, it isn’t that hard, here.” He smiles softly and helps me slowly glide around as he dragged me a few feet.
“I’ll help you.”

“Bradley, it’s Bradley. Not ‘Brad’.”
I say with an annoyed voice, but dropping it as I felt Max let go of me.

“Shit, Max I’m gonna fucking crash!”
I yell, getting more unstable as I thought about my inevitable crashing into the cold hard pavement.

He quickly grabbed onto me and helped me along, “Just think back to when you did this, it can’t be that hard.”

Meanwhile, Bobby and PJ just stood, mouth agape from shock as they passed looks between Max and I to each other.

I ignored them, listening to Max and standing up straight, slightly bending my knees.

“Ok, let go.”
I say, and he complies.

Now, letting a foot down to gain speed, I push off the ground and start going, ok. This isn’t that bad.

“See! You got it!” Max yells from behind me as I smirk.

“Yeah, I do! And I’m still way better than you!”
I let out a small chuckle and glide around the skatepark effortlessly.

We all start going around the park, seeing Bobby had given Max an extra pair of roller skates.

My eyes trailed off to Max, he was now in front of me with his friends.
I smile softly.
I guess he isn’t that bad.

,,,,,,,,,,,,

After a good few hours of skating and messing around with Max, I sat down leaning against the concrete and checked my phone.

“2:00PM already?”
I exclaim out loud.

“Wowww.. We’ve been out here for three hours? That means it’s lunch time, who wants to go to that pizza joint down in that shopping area?” Bobby said, taking a hit of some weed.

Where the hell did he get that from?
I fucking knew he was a stoner.

Everyone else verbally agreed to his suggestion, while I silently nodded.

Reaching the place, we sat at an empty table and a waiter quickly walked up to us, asking about drinks.
I ordered a water, while PJ and Max ordered sprites and Bobby ordered a root beer float.

A few minuets later, the waiter came back and gave us our drinks, then asked about the food.
Looking through the menu, I saw they had small side salads, so I ordered one of those, while the others all agreed on one big cheese pizza.

After the waiter left, I got a few awkward looks from the rest of the table.
Feeling out of place, I take my eyes downwards, shaking my leg slightly.

“Soooo.. Like, what are you majoring in, Bradley?” Bobby asked as if he were a mom questioning her child’s partner.

“Business.”
I reply, straightening out my posture as I realize I had been slouching.

“Cooolll man…”

,,,,,,

The waiter came back, placing the pizza in the middle of the table, and giving me my small salad.

Everyone else started to eat like animals, while I quietly chewed on my salad.

I made sure to chew each piece around twenty times, and slowly. Doing that makes it feel like you’re less hungry than you actually are.

Feeling uncomfortable at the fact that I was eating in front of others, I didn’t want to finish my salad, so I didn’t.
And they never questioned me on it either.

After they had been done eating, I paid for it and we left. Leaving to a lake a little more down into a forested area and sat there for a while.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,

The sky had turned dark with clouds and a chill breezed through the air.
We were all now walking back to the dorm building. Apparently Bobby and PJ had the same dorm building as Max and I.

Bobby and PJ said their goodbyes to us, mostly aimed at Max, and we walked to our shared dorm.

“-Yeah, that was fucking wild!”
Max laughed, finishing up a small story he was telling about how one time. Bobby had smoked so hard that the smoke came out of his nose, like how water would come out of your nose if you laughed too hard.

I laugh, and kept a wide smile on my face afterwards.

“That’s so weird, oh my god.”

Max opened the door to our room, letting me go in first.
But when I didn’t hear him come in behind me, I turned around, facing him.

“You know, Bradley. You’re not that shitty.” He chuckled with a smile that could light up any power outage.

I mentally froze, but physically turned around and sat on my bed.

“..Thanks..”
I replied.

My father isn’t right.
I’m not a faggot.
That random fucking girl on the street isn’t right.
I’m not a faggot.
I’m not.
They’re not right..
They can’t be..

I can’t be like this..
I’m so fucking disgusting.

Reaching my eyes back up to Max, he was lying in his bed, facing away from me.

I got up and went to the bathroom, locking the door behind me.
Leaning over the toilet, I shoved my middle finger down my throat, activating my gag reflex and making myself puke.
Not a lot though, maybe a palmful, since I haven’t really eaten today.

Getting up, feeling my legs unstable, I hobbled over to the counter and brushed my teeth, getting the gross bile taste out of my mouth.
After that, I flushed the vomit down the toilet and left the bathroom.

Getting into my bed, my eyes zoned off on the ceiling, thoughts cloudy and unrecognizable.

“Are we friends?”
Max asks, apparently still awake.

“Kind of.”
I reply, a small giggle escaping my lips.

Max chuckles softly, “Goodnight, Bradley.”

I smile, “Goodnight.”

Him and I are friends.
Friends?
Just friends.
Only ever friends.
Why am I so disappointed by that?

Chapter Text

My eyes opening, I hear a ringing coming from my right. Taking a look to the sound, I see my phone vibrating. I take it and flip it open, 6:00AM. Then, I saw my father was calling.

I immediately sat up and answered.

“Hello?”
I whisper, avoiding speaking loudly so I wouldn’t wake up Max. I wonder why he was calling so early in the day..

“Hello. I’m here to inform you that I have paid your way back into playing the X-Games this year.” He paused, “Don’t fuck it up this time, Bradley.”

“What.”
I let out, absolutely shocked.
Instantly regretting letting that word escape my mouth, my breathing got faster.

Why would..
Why would he pay for me to do it this year? How did he-?
This is bullshit!

My eyes dart over to Max, asleep and facing away from me.
After yesterday, a full day of getting along with him, I’m just going to.. Be his enemy again in the games?
I don’t want that!

I don’t want that at all!
He’s my friend!
I want to be his friend.
Oh my god, I can’t believe I’m thinking that.
Last year I would’ve paid money to see him get emotionally torn apart limb by limb.
But it’s true, I want to be his friend, I think that’s why I’ve been feeling the way I have around him.

“What’s wrong? Isn’t this what you want?”
My father asked, snapping me out of my thoughts.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah it is, thank you.”
I say quickly, still trying to wrap my head around what was happening.

“Great. You should start practicing. Next time I see you, you better be the best damned skater I’ve ever seen. Also, maybe drop a few pounds.”
He states and hangs up.

Sitting there, phone in hand and mind in space, I contemplate everything.
Should I tell Max?
I’m going to be competing against him again.

What would happen if I told Max? Would he get mad and kick me out? Or, stop talking to me?
No, I can’t tell him, I can’t.

I’m just going to have to figure it out.
How can I be friends with him, and his enemy at the same time?

Shaking my head of my worries, I get up, shower and brush my teeth. Putting on a white undershirt and a black over shirt, as well as some light blue jeans.

I shove my phone in my pocket and grab my bag, feeling the doorknob on my hand as I was about to open it.

“Hey, don’t we have the same first class?Wanna walk together?” I hear a voice behind me, but I couldn’t dare turn my head to face him.

Shame washed over me like a tsunami, my other emotions being the innocent victims getting carried away by the heavy current.

“Sure.”
I reply, and open the door.

The air outside was crisp and cold, it being only 7:30 really made a difference in the temperature, even though it was already getting colder in the ‘heat of the day.’

“So, why did you start taking morning classes? Didn’t you take a lot of later classes last year?”
I ask, which caused Max to look at me.

“I think it’s cause I wanted to be more, responsible,” He put air quotes around the last word, “And I thought it would help with my sleep schedule. Last year it was baaad, I would stay up until like, 3:00AM and then I’d wake up at eleven to noon. So far, it’s worked.”

I nod along to his ramble, my eyes drifting off to his outfit. He had a dark red knitted sweater, and some baggy black pants. I will admit, he looked nice. The way his warmer colors contrasted with the cooler tones of the outside, yet matching with the fall leaves.

“You look nice today.”
I say, catching him off guard, and catching me even more off guard.

Seeing the shock on my face, Max laughed.
“Jesus, something’s up with you. You’ve been so genuine it’s starting to get freaky, are you possessed or something?” He joked, chuckling even more.

“No! Just for that I’m never complimenting you again. Fuck you, Max.”
Feeling my face flush red from embarrassment, I turn my head away from him.

“Aw man..”
He whined, still letting out small giggles.

I angrily hummed, taking a small look at an alleyway.
Oh shit.

Max saw my face and turned to the same alleyway I was fixated on.
It was Tank and Slouch, talking.

I walked faster to get away from them, now seeing class in sight.

“Man, you really gotta sort things out with them.”
Max said.

“I want to.. but I can’t, they hate me!”
Now starting to crack my knuckles out of anxiety, I shiver from the cool air.

Max stayed quiet for a few seconds, leaving me to stare around campus and wait for a reply.

“Yeah, well what you did was pretty shitty. But I mean, I’m friends with you now and I used to fucking hate you.”
He finally catches up to me, now walking beside me and flashing me a small smile.

The corners of my mouth curved in joy, leaving me with a soft expression landing on Max.

“Wow, a genuine smile, this early in the morning? I must be hallucinating or something.”
Again, with the damn jokes.
Can he just realize that I’m trying to be nice?

I scoff and force my face into a scowl, “Oh, be quiet.. but I should probably sort things out with them.” I sigh, “but if I try to, they’ll probably beat the shit out of me.”

“Well, I could go with you. Tank doesn’t seem to hate me after I saved him, in fact I think him and I are cool.” Max offers, and I think about it, landing on it being the best option I have if I want to make things right with them.

I don’t really give a shit about anyone there, the only reason I’m doing this is because I have to play with them in the games this year. I can’t be on their bad sides.
A part of me wants to apologize to Tank, and be genuine about it.
After all, he was my best friend.

“Ok, sounds good. When do you think it should happen?”
I ask.

“Maybe right after school? Well, after all our classes, so 6:00PM?”
He replied, tossing a question back at me.

I agree and we head into class, sitting right next to each other.

“Oh, I almost forgot.” Max said, pulling out his phone and giving it to me, “Put your number in here, so I can text you when I’m out of last class.”

Grabbing his phone and putting my number in, I give it back and send him a smile.
Being friends with him is great.
But how the fuck am I going to make it up to the Gamma members?

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

I sat under a tree after my last class got out. Feeling a small vibration in my pocket, I take my phone and read the message.

,,,,,,,,

[Random Number]: Hey Brad :)

Bradley: Hello. Is this Max?

Max: Yeah! Where r you?

Bradley: Under the big oak tree near the 2nd building.

Max: Ok cool, I’m coming over :)

Bradley: Okay.

,,,,,,,,

I set my phone back in my pocket and waited for Max, seeing the sun was already setting.

Looking around, I saw him walking towards me. He waved and I waved back, then we started to walk to the Gamma house.

It wasn’t that far away, just around half a mile.
Taking a look to my left, I see the sunset, warm and contrasting the cold colors of rest of the world.

What also contrasts the cold air, is the warm street lamps spotted around the street. The way the orange lights lit the pavement sent shivers down my spine.

“You scared?”
Max asks, to which I realize I had been subconsciously tapping my thumb and my pointer finger together.

I sigh, “A bit. But I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

If I’m going to have to get closer with them again for the games this year, I better make the apology good.
I would’ve been fine without it though.
I really would have.

But, alas. This is what I was built for. That and taking over my father’s business.
This is all I will ever be.
A product of someone who wants me to achieve great success in things I do not care for.

I look back to Max, waiting for a reply.

“You got this, I’ll be there the whole time.”
He says, giving me a smile.

A small curve appears across my lips, and I look away after.

We had finally gotten there, my nerves were really starting to wrack up.
Tapping my fingers again, I look to Max who takes the hint and knocks on the door.

Tank answers the door, “Oh hey sweetheart, what brings you here?”

Max points with his eyes from Tank to me, I quickly close my body, wrapping my hands around myself, and hanging my head slightly lower than I would usually.
A prideful stance was something I could not achieve here.

“He wanted to talk to you, but he also wanted me to be here to make sure it goes smoothly.”
Max says, and takes his eyes back to Tank.

Tank moves to the side after a second or two of staring at me. Max gives me a look of ‘go in why are you just standing there?’
Him and I walk in, standing near the couch, and Tank standing near the door.

“Why did you wanna talk, traitor?”
Tank says, cocking an eyebrow with suspicion and betrayal lacing his eyes.

“I..” I started, looking over to Max for comfort, and continued, “I wanted to apologize- for what I did last year. I’m sorry, I almost killed you, my best friend.” Feeling my eyes become misty, I compose myself by taking a deep breath, “I feel really bad. Horrible, if you will. After I lost, literally everything, I realized what I did was.. bad. To say the least, I didn’t ever mean for it to happen. I really didn’t, you were my best friend, you knew everything about me. I’m sorry, Tank. And I’m sorry to the rest of the Gamma members.”

Ok, I will admit, I haven’t thought much about how ‘bad’ it was, in fact, just a few days ago I was salty at them for kicking me out.
But to be fair, what I did was bad.
I know that now.
Realizing really what I did, and the aftermath, getting kicked out, losing my popularity, everything.
I’m a shitty person.

I don’t deserve an apology, not after what I did. If I were Tank, or Max, or anyone, I wouldn’t accept any form of apology. Forgiveness is for people who deserve it.

After what feels like an eternity stuck in my thoughts, Tank spoke, “Is this just your way of moving back in? Cause if this is-“

I raise my hands defensively, “No no no! This isn’t, I swear! I’ve found a new place.”
Bringing my eyes to Max, we lock eyes for a second, then I move them back to Tank.

Tank breaks eye contact with me, his eyes falling to the floor.

“I’ll think about it, sweetheart. ‘Give you my answer sometime this week, on whether or not I forgive you.”

I nod, and look to Max, who motions for us to leave.
We leave, now on the street, walking back to our dorm.

“I’m proud, you actually apologized.”
Max said, making my heart flutter slightly. It was weird for people to genuinely say that type of stuff to me, I’m not used to it.

“Oh, uhm. Thanks.”
I say, shoving my hands in my pockets awkwardly.

As we’re about to head back into our dorm building, a thought pops into my head.
I kinda want to stake right now.

That’s not a bad idea, I mean, I have to practice anyways so why not do that with Max.

“Hey, wanna go skate?”
I ask, looking over to him.

“Sure! Lemme get the skates Bobby brought me so you could use my skateboard yet again.” He lets out a small laugh and opens the door to the building, and I follow.

After he grabs his skateboard and the roller skates, we head back out.
We started cruising around the campus, and I will say, it was gorgeous out.

“Life looks better at night.” I say, my eyes wandering around the ethereal night sky.

“Yeah, I agree. I remember back when I was little, sometimes during camping trips we would look at the stars together. Those times were so nice, sometimes I miss them.”

I look at him, feeling a sense of understand.

“I get that, back when I was little, I would stay up late and open my window to look out at the stars. They brought a lot of comfort to me.”

We then fell into silence, not an awkward one, but one shared by two people of the same coin.

After a full loop around campus, we headed back.
I was slightly ahead of him when I heard a loud thud, and a “Fuck!” Behind me.

Turning around, I saw Max on the ground, holding his knee.
Skating towards him, I extend a hand to help him up, “Are you ok?”

He drifts next to me as I picked up his stake board and held it by the side.

“Yeah, I just tripped and fucked up my knee, it hurts like shit!”
He exclaimed.

“How bad do you think it is?”
I ask.

“Bad enough for it to be bleeding I think. Good thing the dorm building is close by.”
Max says in a rushed voice, adrenaline clearly pumping out of him.

Swiftly, I wrap an arm around him to help him skate back to the dorm building. We entered and he took off the skates, now entering the elevator then to our dorm.

“I think there’s a first aid kit somewhere in those drawers.”
Max sat on his bed, beginning to lift up his pant leg.

Looking to my right, a small drawer stood.
I opened the first one, nothing of use there, second one, a small first aid kit, with some alcohol, a bandaid and some Neosporin.

I sat next to him on his bed, and looked at the damage.
Wasn’t the worst I’ve seen, but he definitely cut it.
A skinny cut, around two inches and not very deep was in his leg, as well as some small scratches around it.

“This is gonna hurt.”
I warn as I placed an alcohol pad gently onto his leg, cleaning it.

“Ouch! That hurts Brad!”
He hissed out, and I place it down slightly harder, making him visibly more in pain.

“Bradley. Not Brad.”

After cleaning it, I put some Neosporin on his cut and covered it with a bandage.

“It wasn’t that bad, you’ll be fine.”
I say, about to get up from his bed.

“Wait,” Max says, making me stop and look at him, “I wanna see your reaction to something.”

Before I could comprehend what he was saying, he places his hand on my head, ruffling my hair around.
I wasn’t used to the sensation of my hair being undone, so after he was done I sat in shock.

After a few moments of just staring at him, eyes wide and mouth agape, I get up, place the med kit back in the drawer and sit on my bed, covering my face. Now red from embarrassment.

“You’re horrible, Max.”
I say, keeping my eyes to the floor trying to process what just happened.

He laughs, lying down in his bed and turning around to not face me.

“Night, Bradley.”

Quietly sighing to myself, I lay down and drag the covers over myself.

“Night, Max.”

Chapter Text

Waking up to the sound of my alarm, I sit up and turn it off, flipping my phone open and seeing the date and time. 6:00AM, Tuesday.

I get up, about to head to the bathroom to shower, but I turn around once I hear Max speaking in a very, sleepy tone.

“Hey.. Wait for me to get ready once you’re done so we can walk together.”

Smiling softly, I comply.
“Ok.”

I walk into the bathroom. But as I’m about to take off my shirt to shower, my breath becomes short and a tickle in my throat strikes me hard.

I cough, trying to take away the feeling, but it gets worse as I feel something come up my throat. Now in a huge coughing fit, I squeeze my eyes closed, trying to level out the feeling of suffocation overcome me. Finally hacking up what was bothering me, I open my teary eyes and see something that sends terror through my body.

A flower petal, about the size of my palm.
The color of the petal was red, either that or it was soaked in blood. Although, I was leaning more towards the color of it just being red.

What the hell?
How did I just.. do that? That’s not normal, that in no way is normal. I didn’t even think that was possible..
How can flowers even.. do that?

I clear my throat and gently pick up the flower petal, examining it further.
And well, my extensive, up close observation has the same results as from afar. It’s just a petal. I can’t tell on which flower though.
I’m definitely going to the library after class today, to research on what this is.

Putting the petal on the side of the sink, I hop into the shower.
After, I brushed my teeth and put on my classic dark purple over shirt, light blue under shirt and khaki pants.

Glancing at the petal on the sink, I swiftly pick it up and push it down my pocket, making sure it didn’t break.

I left the bathroom and Max was ready, so we left the dorm.
As we walked to class, I just nodded along to his rants, his voice going through one ear and out the other.

My mind was too stuck on the fact that I coughed up a flower petal.
Flowers can’t even get in there, in your.. insides.. right?
This clearly isn’t right.
I just hope I find out what this is.

I could tell Max was staring at me, he had stopped talking a few seconds ago. My eyes were wide and looked as if I were in a trance.

“Hey, are you ok?”
He asked, making me snap out of it.

A very small tickle in my throat appeared, a small cough escaping my mouth, I reply.
“Yeah, yeah I’m fine, don’t worry.”
A small smile appears on my face, making him nod and move on.

The days had been getting colder.
I should probably start wearing jackets.
A freezing wind blew past me, making me shiver, I look to the right, spotting Max intentionally stepping on a fall leaf to hear the crunch of it.
The image of Max helped me calm down.

,,,,,,,,,,,

Class was about to end, and I had done no work.
The one thing I was good at. Getting work done, I couldn’t even do that.
I’m starting to believe that I truly am, a failure.

Looking down at my blank paper, I sigh and place my head in my hands.
Life is slowly becoming a nightmare, but I should be thankful that I am not fully alone.
I have a friend, even though things started out bad, I have a friend. Some people aren’t that fortunate to have that.
I really am a rich, prissy asshole.

“Bradley, you sure you’re ok? You’re not doing any of your work and you look super out of it.”
Max gently places his hand on my shoulder, making me flinch, removing my hands from my face.

“I’m fine, it’s just.. I don’t feel too well, that’s all.”
I say sickly, trying to convince him that I was ill with a cold or something. Anything not related to flowers.

Although I stared at his hand on me, he didn’t let go.
“Maybe you should go home if you don’t feel good. I don’t think you’ll miss anything today in class. Sounds like you need rest.”
A genuinely concerned expression plasters his face.

Feeling my breath get short, I agree with him. He let go of my shoulder and continued finishing up his work, while I sat there, mind not calmed by his kind words.

What if this is deadly.
It just started but I’m feeling so sick already, I don’t understand.
I haven’t heard about anything like this before.

After class let out, Max and I said our goodbyes to one another and I headed straight for the library.
Reaching the entrance, I quietly walk up to the librarian, Ms. Marpole.

“Uhm, excuse me?”
I say, catching her attention as she quietly looked up at me.

“Do you, possibly, have any books about.. coughing up flowers? Like, a textbook on it or-“
She cut me off my dropping two books on her desk, and pushing them towards me silently.

I thank her and grab them, sitting down at a table with no one at it, and placing my bag next to me.
Taking the first one in the small stack, I read the title.

“Hanahaki disease, What it is and How to cure it.”

So, is that what this is called? Strange name, but ok.
I opened the first page and started reading more.

“Hanahaki disease is a disease where someone who has an unrequited love coughs up flowers.”

..Excuse me what.
Unrequited love? I can’t think of anyone who I’d be in love with. This can’t be what I have.
But curiosity gripped me, what if this was what I had? It wouldn’t make sense, but it’s the only thing that could be it. The strange concept of the disease had taken me by a chokehold.

“If the love is just starting out, the disease is less serious, only coughing small petals or small flowers. Although, as the feeling of love progresses. If left unrequited, it becomes more serious, coughing up whole stems coming from the lungs, eventually leading to suffocation and death.”

So, this sounds exactly like what I’m experiencing.
A small petal getting coughed up.
That means that whoever, if, I ‘love’ someone, isn’t that much yet.

I don’t really pay attention to love. Sure, I sometimes have one night stands with random girls I meet, but it never goes any further than that. So what is this book going on about? I just, really can’t understand this.

And it can lead to death.
So if I don’t figure out who this is, and treat it, then I’ll die.
Great, just great. I’m most likely going to die young.
But I guess that’s not that bad.
At least I won’t have to deal with my problems anymore.
With my family.
With anything bad.
Doesn’t sound that horrible, actually.

…
That got really dark.
I shake my head of my thoughts and continued reading.

“Treatments include; The person of whom has love for, requites their love. This will still cause the person who had Hanahaki to cough up dead flowers for a few weeks. Or a surgery performed in the lungs, taking out the flowers. But the person who was in love, can no longer love again.” I read one more sentence, “One thing to add, is if the person who the Hanahaki patient loves, does not communicate their love for the other, even if they do love them back, will not stop, or cure the Hanahaki.”

I close the book, horrified.
This is bad, really bad.
This just adds so many problems to my other issues, I can’t believe this is happening to me.
Out of everyone, me.
I have to deal with this.

I started to tap my thumb with my finger, feeling my heart rate increase, practically falling out of my chest.

I can’t keep fucking spiraling like this.
I get up and walk back over to the librarian. I slowly pull out the flower petal from my pocket, and hold it up.

“Hey, uh. Do you recognize this flower at all?”
She motions for me to hand it to her, and so I do.

She gently takes it, adjusting her glasses and taking a few good seconds to observe it.

“It looks like a red tulip petal.”
She states, smiling and handing it back to me.

Again, I thank her and walk back to my spot. Placing the flower petal back into my pocket, I reach for the other book Ms. Marpole had given me.

“Flowers and their Symbolisms.”

I open the book and go to the T section, for tulips. Finding the red one, I read it, finding out it’s one of the most romantic flowers ever.
So what I’m getting from this, is that I just, really like someone. Even though, I can’t place a finger on it.

I let out an annoyed hum and place the books on the cart to be put away, and I head to my next class.

,,,,,,,,,,,

Sitting down in my usual seat, the upper right hand corner, I take out what I need from my bag.
Now, my main mission is to be on the lookout for anyone I may or may not feel strongly towards.
Or anything that could make sense for what I have learned today.

Without realizing someone had sat next to me, I heard a voice.

“Hey, Bradley.” I look to her, sitting on my right side. As we locked eyes, she giggled, “You look really nice today.”
She had long brown hair, a red crop top and regular jeans.

“Oh, thank you.”
I reply, completely brushing it off.
Until I realize.
This might be it. She’s been sitting next to me for the past week on and off. Even though I haven’t given much attention to her, this is the only possible reason.

I quite literally, cannot think of anyone else.
I smirk to myself, thinking of something I really shouldn’t have.
But if this is the person who I have been secretly in love with, then that means, that woman on the street was wrong, my parents were wrong, everyone was wrong. I’m not a faggot.
Perfect, just as it should be.

“Hey, so I was wondering..” She had started again, “Would you wanna, maybe, go out to the bar tonight?”
She asked, and I nodded.
I might as well get to know her if she’s someone who I’m practically meant to be with.

This has to be the right person.
Right?

Chapter Text

I don’t like bars, and I don’t like drinking.
I don’t like any of it, but here I am, in the middle of a big crowd with this woman who I have just only really spoken to today.

“Are you going to get something to drink?” The woman who I was on a date with, who I just learned name is Amy, asked.

She then gave me a look of curiosity, with some judgement slipping through.
Am I not being masculine enough by not having a drink?

Quickly scanning the room, I spot every man has a drink. And not even the men, but the women too.
I was really out of place.

“Uh- Yeah! Yeah, I’m going now.” I say, getting ready to go, “Do you want anything?”

Amy smiles brightly, “Anything fruity is fine for me, thank you Brad.” She giggled, while a sultry tone came out at the last part. I internally cringed at the name and walked away, forcing a smile.

Reaching the bartender, I order a shot of whiskey, again. Even though I hated it last time, maybe it won’t suck this time.
I then ordered Amy a piña colada and paid, leaving back to her.

I hand her the drink, her face still grinning.
I take half of the shot, feeling again, the burning sensation I once felt glide down my throat. Safe to say, if I didn’t have to do this, I wouldn’t.

Feeling as if the rest of the bar was full of life and energy, Amy and I stood there, quiet and awkward.

“So, you studying business too?”
I ask.

“Yeah..”
She replies, pulling out her phone and texting someone.

Taking a look around the place, I see nothing of interest. Just a lot of drunks being loud, and big lights on the ceiling.
Then, I spotted him.
Max?
Why is he here? He didn’t tell me he had plans to go here tonight.

“Hey, I’ll be right back.”
I tell Amy, leaving her and walking up to Max.

As soon as I reach Max, his face lights up. Clearly, he wasn’t that drunk.
“Hey Bradley! Why are you here-“ His eyes move past mine, seeing Amy, “You have a date?” He asks.

A gross feeling takes over me, at the fact I’m with her? Maybe.
“Yes, I do.”

“That’s awesome! I hope it goes well.”
Max gave me a wide smile and took a shot of some unknown alcohol. His friends PJ and Bobby cheering him on as he did it.

A pain in my heart ached.
“Yeah.. awesome. Thanks.”
I mutter, just loud enough for him to possibly hear, and left back to my date.

A few shots of whiskey and I was completely out of it. I was so out of it, in fact, that I started to flirt with Amy.

My arm was around her and she was very touchy, keeping her body as close to mine as possible. A part of me didn’t mind, if this is how it’s supposed to be, then oh well.
Even if all of it doesn’t feel right, we just met. This is how it’s supposed to be, if I didn’t think it was then I wouldn’t have said yes to going with her.

In my hazed state, my eyes drifted off to Max. Seeing he was laughing with his friends, I smiled softly. His gaze then slowly entered mine. My heartbeat grew faster, and the temperature of the bar becoming far hotter than before.

Why do I feel like this..
This is probably caused by the alcohol.
Right?
After a few good seconds of staring at each other, I sheepishly looked downwards, placing more attention onto Amy.

Max was happy that I was with Amy. This is fine, why does this feel so wrong when I’m convinced this is right? I can’t understand my own thoughts and feelings.

I don’t want to feel like this anymore, I can’t.
My throat started to rapidly itch again, I excused myself and went into the bathroom. Locking a stall, I started to violently cough, feeling more than just one petal hacked up.
Opening my eyes after shutting them due to the pain, I saw it was about half a flowers worth of petals.

“Fuck.. it’s getting worse.”
I mumbled, throwing all the petals down the toilet and flushing it.

Stumbling out of the bathroom, I reach Amy and smile.
I can’t tell if I want to be distracted, or if I want to be proven right, or anything like that. But this will surely cure it.

“Hey, Amy. Wanna head back to your place?”

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Waking up from however long I was asleep, I couldn’t recognize the sheets on the bed.
I was shirtless, and looking to my right, so was Amy, still asleep.

I laid there for a few minutes, really focusing on how I felt.
Horrible.
Absolutely, disgusting.
I can’t remember anything of what happened, but what I can assume is that we had sex. Seeing her asleep next to me is something that filled me with discontent and discomfort. A very dangerous combination.

No. No, this is definitely not the right person.

I then got up, putting on my shirt and pants. Quietly walking out of her dorm, I leave the building with a pounding headache and call Max.

He answers immediately.

“Hey, Max.. I know you’re supposed to be in class right now but, can you come pick me up? I’m outside building 3.”
I explained, massaging the bridge of my nose with my free hand.

“I decided to skip class today, too wacked out from last night. Why are you outside building 3? I honestly started to get a bit worried when you didn’t show up home last night.”

“Don’t worry about it. Just know I want to get out of here, please.”
Annoyance rang out of my voice, either that or eagerness.

“Alright, I’m coming. Are you still drunk, do you need anything?”
He asks, worry lacing his words.

“I’m fine. Just hurry.”

He pulled up in a van, and I got in. Sitting next to him, I let my body go loose.

“Can I know why you were here?”
God, I don’t want him to interrogate me right now.

“Was with Amy. Want to get home now.”
I grumble, feeling exhaustion take over my body.

Max dropped the conversation, and we had gotten to our dorm successfully.

I showered and brushed my teeth as soon as I got home, putting on a black tank top and grey sweatpants.
Laying down in my bed, I looked over to Max, who was wearing a white tank top and black sweats.

After returning my eyes to my own area, I closed them. Finally, rest.

“Here, you’re gonna need this.”
Max says, and I feel something poke at me.
I opened my eyes saw he was handing me a water bottle.

“Thanks.” I say, placing the bottle next to me on the bed.

After a few moments of me lying in bed, eyes closed, on the verge of falling into a coma. And Max, quite possibly also doing the same thing, he starts a conversation, which is honestly the last thing I want right now.

“So, did your date go well?”
He asked in a sleepy voice.

“I mean… I guess you could say it went well.” I groan, placing my hands over my closed eyes.

“Oh? What does that mean? Did you not like her?” He paced his words slowly, asking curiously as if he cared about my love life.

“Sort of, not really, no.”
I confessed, and we stayed quiet for a few minutes after that.
My mind blank, I shoot a question back at him.

“Have you started seeing anyone?”

“..No. Haven’t put myself out there in a while.”
Max mumbled, the room being so quiet to where you’d be able to hear a pen drop.

“I thought you pulled a ton of women, what?”
I gasp, which receives a small laugh from Max.
“That’s sweet of you to think, but no.. not really.”

After again, a few minutes of silence, he spoke once more.

“Hey, my friends and I were gonna go stargazing on Saturday. Wanna come with?”
He asks, making me perk up a little bit.

Doesn’t sound half bad, and I don’t really have any plans, so..

“Sure, Max.”
I smile, and I drift into a well needed sleep.

Chapter Text

Feeling my eyes open, and a gross wave of bed rotting wash over me, I take my phone and check the time.
1:00pm. Already.

So, I had been in bed for.. five hours? That’s why I feel so shitty, I haven’t done anything today.

The headache I had was mostly gone, but still, I take the water bottle that was next to me and chug it. Max had given it to me earlier.
Speaking of Max, I turn to my side and see him working on homework, sitting on his bed facing me.

I smile, get out of bed and leave to the bathroom. Throwing on a black sweater, I leave and look to Max.

“Hey, Max. Wanna go skate? I feel gross from lying down all day.”
I ask.

“Nah.. You can take my skateboard if you wanna though.”
Max replied, an unpleasant tone releasing from his lips.

“Why don’t you want to go?”

“Not feeling it right now.”
The unpleasant tone amped up by 10x, making me assume he wasn’t happy due to the homework.

I thank him and leave, grabbing his skateboard on the way out.

Starting to cruise around the campus, it was quiet. No one was really outside, most likely cause of the low temperature. A lonely atmosphere surrounded my being and led me to my inner thoughts.

I’m dying.
I know I am, I’m suffocating from the inside out.
A part of me doesn’t mind, that means I won’t have any more problems. No more parents, no more complicated feelings, no more enemies.

The other part of me was horrified to die. I’m only twenty-three. I’m young, I still have so much ahead of me. There’s still so much I could achieve. But what would be the use of it all, if what I am is only my father’s son, and future of his business?

I wish I could just, get over whoever I’m in love with.
I don’t even know who it is. And yet I’m dying at their hands, it’s even worse because they don’t like me back. Or they do but haven’t said anything about it yet.
I didn’t even know this was possible until now.

“Hey, Bradley!” A voice called from behind me. I could recognize that voice from a mile away.
It was Tank.

Oh shit.
He’s gonna beat my ass, isn’t he?
I cautiously stop skating and turn around.

“Oh- Hey, Tank.”

He walks up to me, a blank expression on his face. My fight or flight response kicked in and I backed up, eyes widened with fear.

“I wanted to say that even though it’ll take some time for me to fully forgive you, I do, to some level, forgive you.”
Tank said, facing me but not matching my gaze.
He.. forgave me?
After I almost killed him?

“Thank you, really Tank that means a lot.”
Placing my hand on my heart, I felt like that was one of the most genuine sentences I had ever said.

“Yeah, no problem sweetheart, you were my best friend too, y’know.”
Tank laughs a little, before speaking again, “Can I skate with you?” I look down to his hands, and he was carrying a skateboard with him.

“Uh, sure.”

We started to skate around campus, side by side. It was mostly silent, just us sort of getting used to being around one another again.

I’m surprised he didn’t knock my shit in. I’m even more surprised that he forgave me.
Why is everyone forgiving me? Is this some sort of weird way to show pity? This doesn’t feel right.

“So, what’s with you and Max being close now? Didn’t you hate him?”
Tank asked, a genuine curiosity in his voice.

I could feel my heart rate increasing.
“Well, yes, I did. But since him and I live together now we’re kind of just, getting used to each other.”

Turning my head to see Tank, his face was laced with shock. Mouth agape and eyes wide as he blinked at me.

“You guys live together?!”
Tank gasped.

“I had nowhere else to go! After you guys,” I said in a hushed tone, “Kicked me out, I went to the office and basically just paired me up with him. I’d rather stay with him than be homeless.”

Tank again, just stared at me. I let out an annoyed groan and felt my face turn to a scowl.

“What?! Why are you just staring at me?”
Tank just laughs to me raising my voice.

“So that’s why you guys act so much like a couple, you guys live together!”
He continued to laugh as I gave him the same look he gave me just a few moments ago.

What.
We don’t act like that.
“What do you mean.”

“Oh, don’t act so dense Brad! When you and Max came to the Gamma house to apologize, sparks basically flew between you two! And, not to mention, you two making goo goo eyes at each other.”
He just laughed harder as I felt my insides twist and turn, butterflies appearing and nausea taking over.

“No, no. That’s horrible, he’s my friend. And barely even that. Even insinuating that I would have such feelings is-“

I was cut off by Tank.
“Ok ok, my bad, just drop it.”
He had stopped laughing, and my face was left in a perpetual frown.

I’m not gay. I don’t like boys. And I certainly don’t like Max.

We had finished skating together and we said our goodbyes, leaving me walking into the dorm building and going up the elevator.
When I walked into the room, I closed the door behind me and put Max’s skateboard in the corner of the room.

Taking my eyes to him, I could see he was drinking.
The room smelt horribly of alcohol, making me go over to the window and open it.

“You’re drinking again?”
I question.
I’m starting to think he has a problem.

“Yeah,” Max slurs, “What about it?”

“I don’t know, you’re just, killing your liver. Like a lot.”
I say, now in a softer tone, just awkwardly standing there near the window.

After a few seconds of reviving a blank, dead eyed stare from Max. He all the sudden lifted his knees to his chest and wrapping his arms around his knees, lowering his head and letting out a few cries.

“Are you ok?”
Now I’m really getting concerned. Did something happen while I was gone?
To be honest, he’s seemed off all day..

“No..”
I could clearly tell he was drunk off his ass. Probably a few drinks in, considering he was half a bottle of beer down.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen?”
I sat down beside Max, not really knowing how to comfort but trying my best.

“It’s.. It’s almost the ten-year anniversary of my mom’s passing.. It’s really just, fucking me up I guess.”
Max just placed his head in his hands and quietly sobbed.

Ok, so he’s an emotional drunk.
I still feel bad for him, though.
I couldn’t really relate to losing someone I loved in a family sense. I’ve always had my mother and father, but they never really loved me. I never felt a true attachment to them because of that. But I do understand the pain coming from a parent. It’s a deep-rooted issue, something I guess, we both could understand in some way.

“Oh.. I’m sorry to hear that. That’s horrible, how’d she pass?”

“Cancer... We thought she was getting better, but.. one day she just didn’t wake up..”
Max sobbed louder, making me cautiously put an arm around him, doing my best to make him feel heard.

“Is this ok?” I ask, not knowing if he was alright with physical touch while going through this.

Max nodded, then fully wrapped me in a hug, leaving my face buried in his chest.
I just stayed there, loosening my arms around him and relaxing.

“It’s ok, Max.. Let it out.”
I say softly, letting him cry as he held me.
I feel so bad for him…

Chapter Text

It’s been about an hour since Max started crying. He stopped a little bit ago, and I’m still in his arms in his bed.
It was extremely awkward at first, but after a while I just got used to the feeling.

“You doing better now..?”
I asked, seeing as he wasn’t crying now I would assume he is.

“Yeah.. Thanks, I know this is probably really weird.”
Max says, he still sounded upset, but better than before.

“It’s fine. I don’t mind.”
My face flushes at me realizing what I had said. I really don’t mind this, that’s so.. weird.

I cough to distract myself, then my eyes go up to lock with Max’s.

“But can we get up? I don’t want you spending the rest of the day cooped up in here. You need outside time.”

Max nodded and we got up, he was still semi-drunk, as he was swaying a little bit as he stood.

“Wanna go out to eat?”
Max asked.

Oh.. I cringe at the thought of having to eat. I know it sounds stupid, but I can’t help it. My father told me to lose some weight so I haven’t really been eating much. But I guess this wouldn’t hurt, for Max.

I agree, and we leave, me closing the door and locking it on the way out while Max grabbing his brown jacket for himself.

We walked along side one another to a burger place Max had mentioned. I wish I had brought a jacket, the air was getting colder.
A particularly chilling breeze flew by, making me shiver and hold my arms around myself.

Max noticed, I could see him looking at me in my peripheral vision.

“Dumbass, should’ve brought a jacket.” He laughed, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“Shut up, I wasn’t expecting it to be freezing out.”
My face turns to a scowl.

“Do you want my jacket?”
Max asks. Which completely throws me off guard.

“No, no. It’s yours, you’ll catch a cold without it-“
He cuts me off with placing the jacket around my freezing body.

“Here, you look like you need it more than I do.”
Max smiled softly and continued on like it was nothing.

Feeling heat rise to my cheeks, I quickly put on the jacket and snuggle up in it, trying to preserve warmth.

“..Thank you..”

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

We had reached the burger place and I had ordered a salad, meanwhile Max ordered some random burger off the menu. I suggested he get a water so he could sober up more, and he did.

When the waiter left, Max looked at me.

“Why did you get a salad?”

A feeling of discomfort arose in me, I started to tap my fingers together under the table.

“I’m on a diet.”
I simply reply.

“Why? You’re already super skinny.”
Max clearly doesn’t have a fucking filter while drunk, even if he’s barely drunk anymore.

“You should get something that’ll actually make you happy. Salads suck.”

I try to interject, but I’m interrupted by the waiter, coming back surprisingly fast with our orders.

And again, after she had left, Max speaks.
“We can share mine.”

“Oh no that’s fine, really that’s yours-“
I try to say, but he doesn’t listen and cuts the burger in half, giving one side of it to me, smiling.

This wouldn’t hurt, I guess.
An overwhelming feeling of guilt and overstimulation washes over me, making me sit there awkwardly while not touching the food.

After a few minuets and a few weird looks, I try to eat it. But only get about halfway before getting too overwhelmed.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

We were now home again.
It’s taken me a lot of effort to not go puke out what I had eaten, in the bathroom. But I held myself strong and decided to sit next to Max on his bed and hangout.

“Guess what happened while I was skating earlier?”
I say.

“What?”

“Tank and I talked.”

Max gasped slightly, “Did he beat your ass?”

“No, he forgave me. Surprisingly.” I smile softly, leaning back on the wall.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Saturday, 10:00PM
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

It’s now Saturday. The day Max, his friends and I are going stargazing. The rest of the week had been truly uneventful. Tank and I continued to rekindle our friendship, but that’s all that’s happened. Oh, and also, a few more flower petals had been coughed up. I had enough now to construct an entire full flower.

Turning my head to the door, I watched as Max put on a big black jacket. I shoved my phone in my pocket and went over to the closet, seeing only his brown jacket was in there.
Shit, do I really not have any jackets?

“Hey, Max? Can I use your jacket? I don’t have one.”
I ask.

“Sure! Just don’t fuck it up.” He chuckled and got prepared to leave.

I quickly put on his jacket and we left to the car.

Walking outside at night was truly a strange experience. It always has been, seeing the stars, and the silence of everything. The feelings it gave me could send shivers down anyone’s spine.

Reaching the car, I sat in the passenger seat while Max sat in the drivers seat, waiting for Bobby and PJ.

“I’m really happy I’m getting to do this, hanging out with you. Plus Bobby, and especially PJ, he’s always so busy with his girlfriend, it’s hard to find time to get out with him anymore.”
Max softly spoke.

“I’m glad this is happening too.”
I give him the same soft tone, accompanying it, a small smile in his direction.
He gives me a little smile in return.

Another minuet goes by before Bobby and PJ get in the car.

“Guess what I brought!”
Bobby exclaims excitedly.

“What? Oh my god Bobby not in the fucking car-!” Max yelled as Bobby pulled out a shit ton of weed.

“Yeah man, the car could explode or something!”
PJ told with concern, staring at the weed.

“Ohh whatever, it’ll make the stars look cooler.”
Bobby pushes it off, shoving the weed back in his pockets somehow.

I hear Max sigh, seeing him shake his head after, and I just awkwardly sit there.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

The place in question for stargazing was at the top of a big forested hill, with only a few parking spots at the top.
Walking out of the far, my eyes drifted in the forest.

My heart started to beat faster, and I felt a grim presence in the air. Staring deeper into the forested area, it felt like something was staring back.
Or maybe I’m just too anxious.
No matter how much I’m trying to reason with myself, it feels too eerie not to at least mention it.

We walked a short distance to the spot where there was a small clearing on the hill. We had sat in a line which consisted of; PJ, Bobby, Max and then I.

In the corner of my eye, I saw Bobby pull out his weed and take a hit, giving some to PJ and then passed it off to Max.

“I’m only doing one, usually this stuff gives me a headache.”
He groaned slightly, then looking at me as if to ask if I wanted any.

I shook my head and he passed it back to Bobby.
Now, all of us were staring at the big, open sky.

“Holy fuck dude! Those clouds look like a spaceship!” I heard Bobby’s voice laugh out, pointing at the sky.

“No they don’t, you watch too much Startreck.”
Max tried to seem annoyed, but a small giggle escaped his lips at the end of his sentence.

There were a lot of stars out. The sky was a deep blue, almost black, with the stars looking like yellowish-white polkadots scattering the sky with its light.
It was.. gorgeous.

The mood had shifted.
Everything felt so, calm. So natural and raw, human if you will.
I turned my head slightly to face Max, his face shining in the moonlight, creating a glow around him.

My eyes couldn’t be taken off of him.

“Wow.. The stars are so beautiful.” Max gently speaks, staring into the sky.

“Yeah.. beautiful.”
I say, keeping my gaze on Max.
Oh.
Oh.
I like him.

Chapter Text

After that realization. I sat frozen with shock and bewilderment.
The feeling of disgust rushed through my body as I thought;
The woman on the street.
My father.
Tank.
They were all right, I’m.. gay.

I’m so disgusting, I like a boy.. that even sounds wrong to say. They were all right, I’m a filthy faggot.. I can’t let anyone know about this. I’m just going to have to get over him-

Not realizing I was staring at Max, he met my eyes and butterflies reached my head and stomach.

“What?” Max laughed, a bright smile illuminating him, “Do I have something on my face?”

Fuck, this isn’t good, he saw me staring!
Heat rushed to my face and I forced my expression into a scowl, “Yeah- You look like shit.”

I could feel my heartbeat almost jump out of my chest.
Max then gave me a small smirk, dragging his hand slowly to mine and lightly touching it.

I freeze.
What do I do? Do I keep it there? I want to. No! He doesn’t like me back, that’s the reason I’m puking up flowers, I need to pull away, I need to resist this, everything about this!

Ripping my hand from his, Max’s expression turned from a small smirk to a soft smile.
“You’re so easily flustered,” He said between giggles.

“I’m not. Shut the hell up.”
I whisper-yelled, trying to not get any attention from the others.

“Can y’all stop being so loud? I’m trying to enjoy the big bright lights in the sky, man.” Bobby said.

Shutting my mouth, I place my hands in my lap and straighten my posture. Now, my eyes were back in the sky, occasionally going back to Max, who completely brushed off what he had just done.
He didn’t overthink it.
I wish I wasn’t overthinking it.

He’ll never like me back, I’m sure of it.
But to be fair, it’s what I want. It’s what I need.
For my health.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

After an hour of stargazing, Max and I had gotten back to our shared dorm.
As soon as I stepped through that threshold into the room, my entire body chilled.

Did someone leave the window open? Going over to it, I see that it was wide open.
My fingers graced the top of the windowsill to close it, but as I did, a shiver was sent right through my body.
My hands burned with ice after the window was shut.

After I had done that, I went over to the closet and took off Max’s jacket, placing it in the closet, right next to Max’s other black jacket he had worn tonight.

Walking over to my bed, I sat on it quietly.
Max had done the same, but since I didn’t want to face him, I crawled into bed and turned away from him, trying to cuddle up in the blanket.
It was no use though, I was shivering. Fucking shivering.

My mind was still in shock by what I’ve discovered about myself.

“Hey.. Sorry if what I did earlier was too much.”
Max spoke. I have to get over him. There’s no way he’ll ever feel the same, he’s straight. The only way for this to work is for me to be more distant, I can’t let these.. feelings, win.

“It’s fine.”
I reply, no tone in my voice.

Hearing him audibly sigh, I squeeze my eyes shut and try to fall asleep. Succeeding as my vision turned black.

,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

Waking up, I checked my phone.
Sunday, 8:00AM.

Deciding I needed to clear my head, I got up and took a shower. While in there, I coughed up another few petals, still the same red ones from earlier.

After, I put on a black shirt with a white undershirt, and some light blue jeans.
Then I brushed my teeth and combed my hair.

Leaving the bathroom, I took a small glance to Max.
He was still dead asleep.
I grabbed my phone and pushed it in my pocket, deciding I was going to be a bit bold today with my decisions.
I’m going to the Gamma house.

If I’m going to have to play with them again in the X-Games, I have to continue to get close with them.
Especially Tank.

As I was about to leave the dorm, I was reminded of the weather outside. Cold and unforgiving.
Looking at the closet, I sighed, opening it slowly as to not make any noise, and grabbed Max’s jacket, putting it on me and leaving.

Why was I going to the Gamma house? Well, I wanted to start using my own skateboard.
Using Max’s skateboard every time we went out felt like I was a leech, and I personally like to believe I’ve changed a bit. Not a lot, but a bit.

,,,,,,,

Reaching the Gamma house, I knocked. My heart rate increased and I started to tap my fingers, keeping my widened eyes on the door.

Tank answered the door.
“Oh, hey sweetheart. What are you doing here?”

“Is there any chance I could get my skateboard back?”

Tank opened the door wider, letting me in.
Ascending the stairs to my old room, I reach it and look around. Everything was trashed, dirt and spray paint covered on most visible surfaces, as well as other disgusting liquids and or stains.

Looking to the corner, I spotted my skateboard. Untouched, surprisingly.
I took it, holding it by the side and descended back down, not wanting to spend too much time there.

I then walked past Tank, who took a good look at me before speaking.

“You ok Brad?”
A genuine concerned tone ringed out of

“Yeah. Why?” My mind starting to race, “Do I look like I’m not ok?”
I tried to make my tone sound as if I was mad, but all that came out was the same concerned tone Tank had spoke in.

“It’s just a question.” Tank seemed to take the hint, “Wanna go skate and tell me what’s bugging you?”

I sigh and agree.
Skating now side by side with Tank, we decided to go to a skatepark that was about a mile away.

“So, what’s going on? Trouble in paradise?”

“Yes, no, well.. I’ve noticed, some bad feelings appearing for me, for someone- I don’t want to fucking say it, it’s so vile.”
I felt as if I was a rambling crack addicted in front of an abandoned gas station.

“Gonna need to be a bit more specific, baby.”

“I like a boy.” My voice hushed, anger slipping through the cracks.

“So, you finally realized you like Max?”

I stared at Tank with my face in an angry scowl.

“What do you think?”

“Well, you’re wearing his jacket. It’s pretty obvious.”

It’s obvious? Oh shit.
“Really?”

“Yeah! You were the last person to find out about your feelings!”

Oh god Tank don’t make my heart start to beat out of my chest again.
“Do you think Max knows?”

Tank shook his head, “No. He’s way too
oblivious, I think.”

I sigh in relief.
“I don’t know what to do. I feel so gross, and disappointed with myself for this- I don’t want to be gay..”
I trailed off at the end.

“Well, you could be something other than gay, there’s more than just gay and straight honey. Have you ever felt attracted to a woman romantically?”

I thought about it for a second. Have I ever felt romantically attracted to a woman?
After a few moments, I slowly shook my head no.

“Well.. Looks like we have an answer for that then.”

“Yeah, no shit.” I paused, “Plus, Max will never like me back. He’s normal, straight, and I’m not.”

“You don’t know that.”

“I know he had a girlfriend in high school.”

“Again, there’s more than just black and white.”

Letting out a small annoyed groan, I stopped my board and walked into the skate park.

Pushing down how I felt like a disappointing, gross creature. I did some tricks on my skateboard, and was getting better at it. All of this so I could prove to my father that I wasn’t a failure.
I can win.
I will win.

After a good hour of skating, I sat beside Tank on a bench.

“Im so ashamed of my own feelings.” The thought had just slipped out, and I put my head in my hands.

“Why?”

“It goes against everything I learned while I grew up. My parents were heavy Catholics and we went to church every Sunday. They believed homosexuality is a sin and everyone like that should burn- Fuck, maybe I should look into going back to church, maybe they can fix me..”

Tank just places a hand on my shoulder.
“Look. Best advice I can give you sweetheart. You gotta learn to accept yourself before you can ever try and go after Max. Even though I don’t know much about your home life, seems like you need to unlearn some things.”

His words had hit my heart in a way which no other words had.
Accept who I am? Who in question, is the worst thing imaginable? Someone who is going to be sent to hell and damned for all eternity? How does one learn to accept someone like that.

My thoughts were cut short as I felt a vibration in my pocket, taking it out and flipping it open, a rush of anxiety and adrenaline washed through me.

Max had texted me.

,,,,,,,,

Max: Where r you?