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They were sitting at Buck’s loft and eating dinner. Tommy was slowly chewing on his pasta and looked thousands miles away from here. He started to act weird around a week ago and Buck was bracing himself for yet another end to his relationship.
He couldn’t figure out what was so inherently wrong with him that he was doomed to be alone forever. It wasn’t even that he thought Tommy was the one. To be completely honest none of his relationships were.
Abby was the closest he ever came to thinking of as true love and that had probably more to do with the fact she was the one who made him see that he was capable of having a mature relationship. He hated the way things ended between them, but he would be forever grateful that she helped him see a different part of himself.
Ali wasn’t around long enough for Buck to start thinking about their relationship seriously. It turned out for the best, because he would never be able to give up his job, and if they found out that it was too much for her later, it would only hurt more.
Taylor was a mistake. He missed her sometimes, because he loved spending time with her. She was his friend at one point and that was the best chapter in their history. He wished they didn’t force themselves to try to be more.
Natalia was a desperate reach for something different. He just went through a near death experience and he felt like a burden to his loved ones anytime he tried to mention it and she was always so eager to learn something new about his traumas. It was great at first, a breath of fresh air, but it quickly turned into something more depressing and Buck couldn’t get away fast enough.
Tommy was a revelation. He was the symbol of Buck finding himself. He turned Buck’s world upside down and Buck couldn’t believe he didn’t see that part of himself sooner. Tommy wasn’t a bad boyfriend per say, but it was clear that they didn’t have the same priorities.
Buck knew that it wouldn't last forever, but he desperately wished for it to be a little bit longer. He needed a little more time to maybe make it work. There was still hope lingering in the back of his head.
“We have to talk.” Tommy said and Buck’s blood ran cold.
He braced himself for Tommy’s next words and wondered what it was that would end it. How did he manage to fuck it up this time around.
“I was offered a job in New York.”
Oh, that was unexpected. So it wasn’t anything Buck did per say. It was just that he wasn’t worth staying for. Somehow it hurt even more.
“And I would like it if you came with me.”
Wait, what?
Tommy wasn’t breaking up with him. Tommy wanted him to move to the other side of the country.
He opened his mouth and then closed it again with no sound coming out. He was redeemed speechless and all his thoughts decided to take a walk outside of his head.
“I know it’s a lot to ask and you don’t have to give me an answer now, but I hope you at least consi-”
“Yes.” Buck was surprised that the sound came out of his mouth.
“Yes?” Tommy seemed to be even more surprised.
“Yes, I will go with you.”
Buck had no idea what he was doing. All that was going through his head was that he couldn’t deal with another failed relationship. He had to make it work and he was just given the opportunity to try.
He had to take it.
It wasn’t until he was lying in bed and thinking about the arrangements he would have to do that he remembered that moving to New York meant leaving his family behind.
It made his chest feel smaller and his eyes started to fill with tears. He hated the fact that he would be lieving them behind, but he knew that they would be fine. They all had families of their own. He was the only odd one out. He had to do it, or he would be alone forever.
***
Eddie entered the firehouse in an already bad mood. Christopher was still mad at him, despite being back for two months. Everyone around told him that it had more to do with his teenage rebelion, but Eddie couldn’t shake the feeling that he managed to fuck up the relationship between them for good.
The only thing that was helping him go through all of this was Buck. During the summer when Chris was gone, Buck was there by his side every step of the way. He also was a shoulder to cry on for Chris when he came back. He was still wary of sharing anything with his dad, so Eddie was glad that he at least had Buck to lean on.
They both did.
He was hoping that seeing Buck’s smile, hearing his fan facts and indulging in the easy banter would cheer him up, but he was proven incorrect the second he saw everyone sat down at the table with Buck hovering above them, nervousness visible in every twitch of his body.
“Eds, come join us. I’ve got news.”
Eddie knew that whatever the news were he would hate them. He sat down on the chair closest to Bukc and looked up to better see the man.
“Okay, so first I want you guys to know that I think of you as my family and I love you all so much. I never imagined leaving you, but something came up and-”
“Buck, please don’t tell me you’re dying.” Hen was probably aiming for teasing, but there was worry in her voice.
Buck chuckled and shook his head. Eddie thought that he looked absolutely adorable.
That was one of the things Eddie figured out while Chris was away. Buck was beautiful and Eddie was completely in love with him. That led him to the revelation that he was very much not straight. Far from it.
He was as gay as they came and although it filled him with panic and guilt at first, after coming to terms with it he felt like a big weight was lifted off his shoulders.
Suddenly there were loud voices all around him, speaking all at once. Buck stood there like a deer caught in headlights while everyone was yelling nonsense in his direction.
“You can’t leave.” Chim’s voice sounded through the mass of other’s.
Leave? Where was Buck leaving?
“It’s a great job opportunity.” Buck tried to defend his choice.
“Are you changing jobs?” Eddie managed to choke out after gathering his thoughts.
It would be a shame to have Buck working somewhere else.
“I mean, yeah.” Buck replied, with confusion in his voice. “I don’t plan on being unemployed and although Tommy will earn a lot in New York, I would rather not depend on my boyfriend.”
“Tommy’s moving to New York?” Eddie felt like he had missed a couple chapters.
All eyes were on him and at least it had finally gone quiet.
“Yeah, Eddie and I’m going with him, that was my news.” Buck's voice sounded like the one he was directing at Chris when he was being difficult.
“To help him move?” Eddie knew that it was not what was going on, but he couldn’t accept the alternative.
“No, to live with him there.”
“In New York.” Eddie repeated just to be sure. “You’re moving to New York, permanently.”
Buck nodded and Eddie couldn’t take it anymore. He got up from his chair and made his way downstairs. If he stayed there any longer he would have done something stupid, like confess his undying love to Buck and beg him to stay.
***
“When are you leaving?” Bobby asked with a strained voice.
Buck could see that his captain was trying to remain professional, but failed miserably.
“In two weeks.” He replied and saw everyone’s eyes widening even more. “I know it’s short notice, but I was hoping it wouldn’t be a problem.”
Bobby looked at him for a long moment and everyone else was silent.
“Do you have a firehouse there?” Buck only managed the shake of his head. “I can write you a recommendation letter, so it will be easier for you to find a job.
There were murmurs of disapproval, but Buck only had eyes on Bobby. A man who was like a father to him and who was letting him go.
“Thanks, cap.” He hoped that the disappointment couldn’t be heard in his voice.
This was for the best. If he didn’t have to fight his family on this, it would be easier to leave. He turned around to get away before he did something embarrassing like break down on the floor crying, but Bobby’s voice stopped him in his tracks.
“I wish you didn’t. Leave, I mean.” Bobby looked like he would start crying himself and Buck knew that if his captain did, it would be over for him. “But I understand. I hope you know, me and my wife aren’t letting you go without a farewell party.”
Buck let out a quiet chuckle at that and only nodded his approval before bolting for the bathroom to calm down and not let the tears flow.
***
Buck felt more like a prey than a person who was supposed to be celebrated at his goodbye party.
It started with Hen.
“So, Buck, New York, huh?” She approached him with a tight smile and a look that screamed trouble.
“Yep.” He replied, awkwardly holding onto his cup.
“Why are you doing this?” She asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Straight to the point as always, I see.” He took a sip of his bear and turned around to see her better. “I just can’t have another failed relationship on my slate.”
“Seriously?” She was never the one to hide her judgment. “That is not a reason to move thousands of miles away from home.”
He sighed in frustration and her next words were spoken in a much gentler tone.
“Buck, Tommy is your first boyfriend and if you told me that you’re moving away, cause you can’t imagine a life without him in it, then I would have left you alone, but you can’t throw away your life, just because you think breaking up would be a failure. You deserve to explore.”
“Oh, I think Buck 1.0 explored enough, don’t you?” His voice was more bitter than he intended for it to be.
“Not with men.” Buck sent her a pointed look. “I’m not saying you should go back to your old ways, just give yourself a chance to see what else is out there, you know?”
“No, I have to do this Hen, I just have to.” He said firmly and was met with protest that was ignored as he made his way to the kitchen.
***
“Buck, I’m so glad I managed to catch you alone.” Athena’s voice greeted him in the kitchen and he knew he was screwed.
“If you’re trying to convince me to stay, you should quit it right now.” His voice was too sharp and the look she sent his way made him fold immediately. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude, I just-” he sighed, “I just had a tiring conversation with Hen and I know that she means well, but-”
“Oh, Henrieta can be a real pain in the ass sometimes.” Athena’s words made him let out a laugh. “She is stubborn and doesn’t like it when things don’t go her way.”
“Sounds like someone else I know.”
“Why do you think we’re best friends?” She said with a smile that turned serious after a second. “We’re going to miss you, I hope you know that.”
“I’m going to miss you too.” He said through the lump forming in his throat.
“I wanted to form a whole elaborate plan to make you stay, but my husband stopped me. He said that we need to let you go and hope that you will come back to us.” There were tears in her eyes and Buck hated himself for being the reason for them.
He enveloped her into a tight hug and quietly thought to himself that it would be a miracle if he survived this party without changing his mind.
***
Chim ambushed him in the bathroom of all places.
“Dude, I am about to take a piss here.”
Chim closed the door and pointed a finger at him.
“You listen to me, Buckley. You’re breaking my wife’s heart.” Chim so clearly tried to be stern, but the tremble of his finger and the strain in his voice gave him away. “You’re breaking my kid’s heart, god dammit, Buck, you’re breaking mine.”
“I have to do this, Chim.” Buck replied desperately trying to keep his tears at bay.
“You don’t. You don’t even love him, you love Eddie.”
Buck’s eyes widened and he moved his hand so it would cover Chim’s mouth.
“What the fuck, man? Don’t shout that.” He tried to hear for any sign that someone was standing outside of the bathroom and heard them, but came up empty.
He took a step away from Chimney and tried to calm down his raising heart.
“What makes you think that?” He tried for sounding nonchalant, but knew he had failed.
“Oh, come on. Everyone knows that you are crazy about each other.” Chim hands were flying all over the place while he was speaking. “One of you just has to make the first move.”
“You’re wrong. He doesn’t even want me to stay. He had so many chances to ask and he didn’t, so I’m doing this. I’m going with Tommy, because he’s my boyfriend and I have a shot at something real with him and I have to take it.” Buck let out in one breath. “And now if you don’t mind I’m taking a piss, whether you stay here or not.”
***
“Uncle, Buck, catch me.” Jee jumped straight into his arms as soon as he entered the living room again.
Chim sent him a satisfied smirk and Buck knew that he was about to have his heart broken.
“Hi, sweetheart.” He said, softly, because he was not about to ignore his niece, even if she was used as a trap against him.
“Do you have to leave?” Her voice was filled with so much sadness, Buck almost bursted into tears right there and then.
“Yeah, I do.” He replied softly, wiping away a tear that was falling down her little cheek. “But I will visit you and you can visit me sometimes.”
She didn’t look convinced. There was a pout painted on her face and her teary eyes were doing a really good job at making him forget the reason for his departure.
“Okay, honey, how about you go to daddy and let me have a chat with your uncle, huh?” His sister saved him from the current torture, despite Chim’s quiet protest.
***
It turned out that Maddie only rescued him to have a little fun with his heart on her own.
“Evan,” Her voice meant trubbel and he groaned in frustration, before even listening to what she wanted to say.
“No, Mads, not you too. I have to do this, okay? I have to try to make this relationship work.”
“On the other side of the country?” Her voice was begging him to look at her, but he couldn’t bear to see her face right now.
“Yes, since that is where the other half of the relationship is going to live from now on.”
“I can’t believe I’m not going to get to see you.” She choked out and it finally made Buck turn around to face her.
He rushed forward to pull her into a tight hug and ran a soothing hand down her back.
“We will talk all the time, and I will visit and you will visit.”
“I’m sorry.” She whispered into his chest.
“What are you sorry for?”
“If that’s how you felt when I was leaving then I’m so sorry.”
Buck’s heart was already on the floor, completely shuttered from his previous conversations, but right now it was being stomped over.
“I’m sorry.”
***
If Buck thought that the emotional rollercoaster was nearing the end and that there wouldn’t be a worse conversation waiting for him, he was severely underestimating his luck.
This was way worse. This was worse than being crashed by the fire engine, worse than being struck by lightning and worse than all the previous conversations combined.
This was Chris, who was becoming a sassy teenager with no interest in hanging out with ‘old people’ and that apparently included Buck, who was like a son to him and for whom he would do anything for, asking him to stay.
“I just don’t get why you have to leave.” Chris whispered through an annoyed huff, that was for sure supposed to cover the tremble of his voice.
“We talked about this Chris, Tommy got-.”
“Fuck Tommy.” Chris said much louder than before.
“Christopher,” Buck tried to scold him, but the boy didn’t let him finish.
“No, I hate Tommy, he’s taking you away and you’re stupid for letting him do this to our family. I hate you.”
Chris stood up from his chair and stormed off into the house. Buck sat there in the backyard of Bobby and Athena’s house and felt his composure crumble.
His heart was laying on the floor, taking its last breath, before passing away. He got up and made his way to the house, prepared to give his last goodbyes even though he felt like none of his friends were very keen on talking to him right now.
***
“I can’t believe he actually left.” Maddie was sitting at one of the chairs with tears streaming down her face.
“All of us did everything we could to stop him, but he made his choice.” Chim was sitting next to her, with a sleeping Jee in his arms.
“Not everyone.” Chris replied with a side look to Eddie.
“You didn’t talk to him?” Hen asked with disbelief.
All eyes were on him and he could feel the duggars his son was sending his way. On the way here Chris was begging him to do everything to stop Buck from leaving.
“He made his choice. His boyfriend is moving out, what else is he supposed to do?” Eddie knew that he was acting very defensive, but it seemed appropriate given the circumstances.
“Tommy wouldn't even be his boyfriend if you were honest with Buck and admitted that you were in love with him.” Chris was clearly getting angry.
“I don’t appreciate that tone.” Eddie tried to sound stern.
“Well, I don’t appreciate you ruining our family.” Chris stood up and walked out to the patio, not sparing another glance at his dad.
Eddie buried his face in his hands and prepared himself for the storm that was about to hit.
“What do you mean, you didn’t talk to him?”
“Eddie, you have to tell him.”
“You’re in love with my brother and you are letting him go?”
Those were only some things he heard through the chaos that was happening in front of him. He started to get a headache from all the yelling and really wasn’t in the mood to be screamed at while his son was sulking in the backyard.
He stood up from his chair despite several loud protests and walked in the direction Chris disappeared in.
“Don’t want to talk to you.” Chris huffed, annoyed.
“Yeah, that seems to be the case most of the time.” Eddie sat next to him on a bench and stayed silent for a minute.
“Why won’t you fight for him?” Chris was the one to break the silence.
“He has Tommy.” Eddie said for what seemed like a thousandth time.
They talked about this before. When Eddie came out to Chris his son clocked him immediately as being in love with Buck. There were times when that was the only thing he seemed capable of talking about with Eddie.
“You have to try, dad.” The tears in Chris’s eyes broke his already broken heart even further. “I don’t want to lose him and I tried to ask him to stay and I could see it in his eyes that he was considering it and that he almost did, but something was stopping him. I know that if he knows you’re in love with him too, he will change his mind.”
“Too?” Eddie’s voice was full of surprise and hope.
“Come on, dad. You’re not that stupid.”
“Did Buck tell you he’s in love with me?” Eddie’s heart was bound to beat out of his chest.
“No,” Chris rolled his eyes, “But you two are so obvious.”
Eddie shook his head. He couldn’t risk it on a teenager’s hunch. He couldn’t lose Buck.
Buck was moving out. He was already losing him.
Oh, God. He was losing him and he had a chance to stop it and he didn’t take it. He just let the love of his life walk out of his life, just like that. WIthout any fight, everyone else put on a fight and Buck didn’t listen, why would he listen to Eddie?
But he had to try, He would never forgive himself, Chris would never forgive him if he didn’t.
He surged up from the bench.
“Are you okay to stay with-?”
“Dad, I’ll be fine, go get him back.” Chris smiled at him.
It was the first smile directed specifically at him since Eddie almost blew up his entire life and it filled him with hope.
***
Eddie ran through the airport like his ass was on fire. He managed to buy a ticket online to get himself through the security and now was making his way to the gate that Buck’s plane was about to leave from. He knew that there was only a small chance that he would make it.
He spent too much time at Bobby’s and then the traffic made it impossible to get to the airport fast enough, but he still held onto the hope that he would make it.
He ran straight to the flight attendant who was standing alone at the gate, while closing the door and almost wasn’t able to voice out his request from how out of breath he felt.
“I need to get on that plane.” He choked out in a rush.
“Can I see your ticket, sir?” She asked politely, even though she was clearly tired.
“It’s not my plane, but I just need to talk to someone there.”
“Sir, I’m sorry, but I can’t let you do that.” Her voice was stern and Eddie knew that she was just doing her job, but he couldn’t help, but hate her at this very moment.
“You don’t understand,” His brain to mouth filter left his body and he didn’t care that there were people around him who would hear his desperate confession. “I have to talk to him. He is about to move to another state for a man that doesn’t deserve him. Not that I deserve him, but I’m willing to spend the rest of my life trying to. He is the kindest person you will ever meet, he loves with his whole being and gives his whole self to every person he meets, especially the ones he cares about. And too many of them and that includes me take it for granted. I don’t want to take it for granted anymore, I want to tell him that I love him, that I’m in love with him and that I want him to stay. Stay in LA and by my side. Tell him that he is part of my family and that after my son, which he is basically raising with me, he is the most important person in my life. That I’ll die without him by my side, that I want us to spend this and every other lifetime together even though I don’t believe in that crap, but he does. He believes in the universe and I’m willing to believe in it too. For him and with him, because the universe may have brought us together, but I would choose him every time even if it didn’t. I want to choose him this time and I want him to choose me, but I can’t do that if you don’t let me go after him.”
He wanted to say more, beg more, but her next words stopped him in his tracks.
“Sir, the plane already left,” he felt all the hope evaporating, “but I think one of the passengers stayed.” The woman nodded in the direction of someone behind Eddie’s back
Eddie turned around and saw the love of his life staring back at him with wide slightly glazed eyes.
“Bu-” He didn’t even manage to utter the name, before Buck’s lips were on him.
Cheers erupted all around them, but Eddie tuned them out completely. Buck was kissing him, he wasn’t on the plane with Tommy, moving away to another side of the country. He was kissing Eddie like his life depended on it in front of strangers and Eddie felt like he would vibrate out of his body from relief.
“You love me?” Buck said with wonder, his voice a little bit raspy after pulling himself away from Eddie’s lips.
Eddie only managed a nod, suddenly afraid of what Buck was going to say even though he just got kissed by the man.
Buck rested his head on Eddie’s shoulder and let out a delighted little sound. He collapsed into Eddie’s arms a little and Eddie thought that there was nothing he would rather do than hold Buck up forever.
“I love you too.” Buck mumbled into Eddie’s shirt and suddenly Eddie couldn't take it any longer.
He grabbed Buck face in his hands and brought him into another kiss. That one was more desperate. Eddie tried to convey all of his feelings into that kiss and even though his lungs were screaming for some air he was happy to just die, kissing Buck.
“You stayed.” He mumbled as he surged up for a much needed breath. “Right? That’s what’s happening, you’re staying?”
Buck’ smile was almost blinding and Eddie felt his knees giving out under him a little.
“Yeah, baby. I’m staying.” Buck pressed a small kiss to Eddie’s nose. “I told Tommy I can’t leave my family behind. They almost convinced me to stay back at the party, especially your son. I swear my heart was breaking while telling that kid that I had to go.”
Eddie smiled at the mention of his son, their son, but that was a conversation for another day.
“There was one person there that was not convincing me to stay, though and I just thought maybe he had enough of me.”
Eddie gasped and grabbed Buck’s face in his hands to make sure that the other man would be looking into his eyes.
“Never, Buck. You hear me? I will never have enough of you.”
Buck let out a quiet chuckle and brought their foreheads together.
“I think your dramatic airport love confession was enough to convince me of that.”
“That’s good. But you decided to stay even before that.”
“Yeah, I thought that it wouldn’t be fair to Tommy to be with him while being in love with you. I decided to just stay in your life in whatever way you would have me.”
“Every way, Buck.” Eddie swore and brought him into another kiss.
“Yeah,” Buck whispered between kisses, “I’m starting to get that.”