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It’s spring; the light presents the world through a muggy, gray filter as sporadic rain falls on the cobblestone street. Currently, the rain has stopped but with the dark clouds overhead it’s sure to start again soon. Eren turns away from the window. “Mom! It stopped raining. I’m going out to play!” He swings the door open wide, his mother chases after him but he cannot be inclined to care.
“Eren! Wait! Don’t forget your jacket!”
He’s already at the end of the street, turning the corner and, pointedly, does not look back. His feet slap against the stone street, propelling him forward with little regard for his destination or the way the water jumps up to soak his shoes.
The streets are quite. Not much business to be done when there is this much rain. Not even the women of the city are out hanging up clothes to dry, though he supposes that’s just common sense. He makes it to the town’s plaza, Eren can’t be sure why but it always has the best jumping puddles after a storm. He comes down hard in the first one, the water comes up and saturates the cuffs on his pants. Methodically, he jumps in every available puddle until he is drenched.
Chest heaving and a wide grin on his face he takes in his surroundings. Some other kids seem to have had the same idea and are starting to join him in the plaza. He continues, kicking up water on the other kids who seem less than enthusiastic about his participation. Their discontent reaches him and he frowns. It’s always like this, him doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. Trying to fit in with the other kids his age by doing exactly what it is they are doing but still, somehow, falling short.
Disheartened, Eren turns to go home. There’s no point in prolonging the inevitable punishment he’s about to receive for disobeying and ruining his clothes for the rest of the day. It’s not so much the movement but the color that catches his eye. The boy with blond hair hugs the wall of the plaza carrying a book as large as his chest and thick as Eren’s wrist.
He seems to purposefully be avoiding people’s attention, the way he ducks and scurries almost like a mouse makes Eren want to follow him. Perhaps like a cat. It quickly turns into a fun game of pretend following the boy, ducking behind crates, pressing himself into the vacant storefronts that line the streets that lead away from the plaza to the far edge of town and ultimately to the large grassy field his family picnics in during the summer.
There’s no place to hide in the wide open expanse except for the trees. He runs opposite the boy and finds one that he deems a suitable lookout. The boy crouches in front of a gigantic weeping willow tree after scanning the field for.... well for something. Eren’s not a mind reader and can’t even begin to imagine what. For one, it can’t be treasure. The kid has no map... unless the book is the map. Eren concentrates with renewed interest but the boy just stays there with his stupid book open on his stupid knees looking at the stupid willow tree.
Eren frowns as his patience quickly deteriorates. He just cannot understand what would be so interesting. Curiosity overrides all else and he closes the distance between them, mud coats his shoes as a secondary insult to the time he’s put in with such little pay off.
“What are you doing?” He startles the blond kid, making him fall forward, book escaping him and knees landing in the sodden earth. He looks up at Eren, blue eyes hazed over with caution. Eren frowns and his eyebrows come together in confusion. “Sorry,” he mumbles before leaning down and picking up the book. He brushes the dirt and dead grass off.
“Don’t!” The kid says quickly then bites his lip as if that was the wrong thing to say.
“Don’t what?”
He swallows, eyes darting back and forth over the ground. “Don’t - don’t ruin it.”
Indignant Eren’s nostrils flair, “I wasn’t going to. Here.” Eren offers the book back to show he means it.
The boy just stares for a moment before snatching the book back and hugging it to his chest. They stare at each other, at an impasse.
“Well,” Eren finally says, “Don’t just stay on the ground.” He extends his hand and the boy takes it, eyes wide with a sort of disbelief. He takes a step back to help pull him up and then they are facing each other properly.
The kid is thin, and inches shorter than Eren. He might even be younger than Eren which he hadn’t considered. His blond hair extends just between the very top of his shoulder blades. His face is rounded with red cheeks and eyes blue like the summer sky. “So,” Eren draws the word out. “What were you doing?”
Quickly, the boy pushes a stray piece of hair behind his ear and he chances a glance up at Eren. “I was looking at a frog.”
“A frog?”
“Yeah. You scared him off.”
“Isn’t that kind of boring? There’s a lot of frogs.”
Sincere insult passes over the boys face. “No! This frog only has three legs!”
It takes him a moment but Eren has a hard time processing it. “I don’t believe you.”
The kid’s passion is infectious. “I wouldn’t lie! I’ll show you. Butterscotch likes to hang out around the trees. I’m sure if we look we can find him.”
Eren considers his options. On one hand his mom is going to be mad at him no matter what time he comes home. On the other he could see a three legged frog. “Okay. I’ll help.”
They spend the next forty or so minutes carefully picking their way through the grass. “Why would you name a frog Butterscotch?”
“He likes it when I feed it to him.”
“How do you know it’s a boy?”
“Just do,” he says with a child’s confidence.
Eren laments how boring the conversation is, but looking at the kid he’s content thinking it’s because the other is concentrating.
The sky cracks open all at once and it pours in sheets. Eren looks overhead, straight up into the rain and starts jumping the in wet grass. He looks over and half expects the new kid to be doing the same. He stops when he sees how desperately the kid it trying to shove the book under his shirt.
Eren grabs his wrist and he takes off running towards the nearest tree. The kid stumbles behind him but they make it. The tree acts like a gigantic umbrella, sheltering them from the rain. Eren collapses against the tree trunk, water dripping off the hair plastered to his forehead. “We never found the frog.” He breathes heavily and slides down the trunk.
Next to him the boy does the same. “He exists.”
“I know. You probably would have stopped looking otherwise. Right?”
The boy stares at him then looks away. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.
“So, why were you out here by yourself?”
The boy hugs his knees to his chest, defensive. “Why did you follow me?”
Eren looks out over the field, the hard rain makes the water jump up as it impacts the ground. “I don’t know. I don’t really have other friends. But that’s okay because they’re all stupid.”
The kid smirks and Eren’s feel his cheeks flush. “Yeah. Me too.”
“I’m Eren,” he holds his hand out because that’s what adults do and he suddenly wants to impress this guy.
“Armin,” he takes Eren’s hand and they smile at each other, missing teeth and all.
Suddenly, Armin’s eyes go wide and he shoves the book into Eren’s lap as he crawls over his legs. “Look!” Armin whispers his exclamation and points to a spot further out under the weeping willow. There’s a tiny frog sitting on a flower. “That’s him! That’s Butterscotch!”
The frog jumps and they both gasp. Eren’s not sure why Armin does but he does because the frog very clearly only has three legs. Armin beams back at him, “See?”
They pass the rest of the day under the willow tree, even when the rain stops.
It starts after Mikasa comes to live with him.
Mikasa and Armin quickly become friends, Eren is always forcing her to talk or say anything but Armin is gentle with her. Showing her their secret books and talking about the lands outside the walls. He’d been jealous at first and refused to participate with them until he realized Armin wasn’t going to give him his way just because he was pouting and Mikasa wasn’t going to either.
Learning to be a group of three had been natural in some ways and difficult in others. Eren had never had to share a person. The kids in town all ostracized Eren and Armin so for two years before Mikasa they had been each other's best friends.
Including Mikasa meant opening up his world and allowing her access to the person he’d felt closest to. He’d tried to protect Armin, do right by him and it was difficult for him to watch the two of them become so close so easily. Whereas Eren had felt like he’d had to work for Armin’s friendship. Though, to any adult outsider it was plain to see Eren hadn’t worked for anything with Armin, rather he’d taken it (barreled right through Armin’s boundaries) and proved he was sensible enough not to mess it up.
This particular day his father has taken Mikasa with him to the inner city to buy supplies for his practice. Even though they had both wanted to go only one of them would have been able to fit in the cart on the way back. Perhaps sensing his sons latent need for some time with his friend he has taken Mikasa.
Him and Armin are walking through town, they’d visited Butterscotch’s grave that morning, poor frog had passed when he was scooped up by a bird. His grave was one of the few things Armin and Eren kept to themselves. They’d each spent one tenth piece on a cube of butterscotch candy and left it on the little head stone they’d made out of rock last summer.
The candy was always gone when they came next, Armin told him it was probably taken by other animals but they did it anyway. Eren would bet Armin even wanted to do it. When Butterscotch died Armin had sobbed in the middle of the field. Probably because he’d found and started watching over the frog shortly after his parents went missing, at least that’s what Eren concluded. He’d been, nearly, inconsolable. Eren had been the one to suggest they bury him under his favorite tree. It’d helped but Armin really only started getting better after they started putting out offerings. Eren had to drag him the first few times but it had been worth it.
The crowd begins to thin as they draw closer to Eren’s house for lunch. Eventually, it is just the two of them, side by side, walking down the middle of the road. Behind them, Eren hears footsteps and he turns just in time to see two of the older kids, perhaps a year older, catch up to them.
“Jaeger. Arlert.” They mock. “Whatcha reading, Toe Head?”
Armin frowns and looks to Eren. “Hey, leave him alone.”
“Oh yeah? What are you going to do about it?” He flicks Eren in the forehead.
Eren grits his teeth and takes a swing. The kid catches him by the fist and pushes him back, causing Eren to stumble. “Not so tough without your sister, are you?”
“Eren, don’t -” Armin tries feebly even as the other kid backs him up against the nearest wall. To separate the two of them more than anything.
“I don’t need Mikasa to show you what’s what.” Eren goes for it again. Punch. Miss. Punch. Miss. The whole time the kid laughs. Eren lands a kick solidly into his side and the guy coughs.
“You brat!” He rushes Eren, pushes him into the nearest wall with both hands pinned behind his back. “You know. I should kick your ass. But your sister is pretty. I don’t want to get on her bad side.”
Eren grins. “She’d kiss a pig sooner than she’d kiss you.”
He can feel the guy winding up his punch then Armin’s voice cuts through. “If you hurt either one of us you’ll never have a chance with her!”
The guys stops, takes a moment to consider, and steps back. “Fine. You get off this time.” He looks to his friend and wordlessly they walk off.
Once they’ve turned the corner Armin rushes over. “Are you okay?”
Eren rubs his wrists where they had been pinned and Armin looks on with concern. “Yeah.” A pause. “I could have taken care of it.” Another pause. “I could have taken care of you.”
“Eren, you don’t have to -” Armins starts but gets cut off.
“But I can. ” He’s not sure why he feels so disheartened by the prospect that Armin might not know that. Or worse, not believe it.
Armin takes his hand and turns it over in his like he’s checking for injury. “Okay, but maybe think a little first? I’d be sad if anything happened to you.”
Eren’s heart twists when Armin says this. His sweet voice filled with so much conviction and reverence it makes him hurt, somehow.
They walk home, a little faster than they were before. The whole way Eren wonders how anybody could think Mikasa was pretty when Armin was standing right there.
Eren lays awake, his sleeping mat is pressed close to Mikasa’s. She’s snoring soundly, the breath warm against his cheek. All he can see when he closes his eyes is his mom, struggling in the grip of a titan. Screaming, fighting until her very last breath.
Armin is on the other side of Mikasa. It’s unfair, Armin should be by him. Eren is their lynchpin and he should be in the middle, so he thinks. As quietly as possible he stands and steps around Mikasa. He nudges Armin with his foot and Armin’s eyes glow in the moonlight. Wordlessly and with a soft, sleepy sigh Armin scootches closer to his grandfather. Eren lays himself down and faces Armin.
“Sorry,” he mumbles in the dark.
“It’s okay.”
“I can’t sleep.”
“I know. I can hear you moving around. I’m surprised Mikasa isn’t up.”
Eren shrugs. “She couldn’t sleep the last two nights. Said she was afraid I might be gone in the morning. Or something dumb like that.”
Armin parts his mouth, a small breath escaping. “But aren’t you afraid I’ll be gone in the morning and that’s why you’re up?”
“I don’t know. I just - I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to be close to you.” Eren feels tears in his eyes. Armin and Mikasa are the closest thing he has to family now. But if something were to happen Mikasa would find a way - he can’t say the same about Armin. He’s smarter but physically weaker. His brain won’t save him from being titan food if something were to happen.
They don’t need words. Armin scooches closer to him, hand on his cheek wiping at his wet eyelashes. “We’ll be okay. They’re making an announcement tomorrow. Maybe it’ll be good.”
“You’re the one who told me no news they give us will be good.”
Armin frowns. “When did you start listening to me?”
They fall asleep noses nearly touching only to be woken by the sound of revelry.
The soldiers don’t even bother passing out food that morning just let some guy who looks to be in charge stand on an empty crate. At first Eren doesn’t understand. The government is sending an army to take back the wall, he doesn’t understand the outcry of panic that rushes through the crowd. Next to him Armin is in shock. His eyes are blown wide. Horror evident on his delicate features. Eren watches him scan the crowd until his eyes fall to his grandfather. Something passes between them, a sadness Eren can’t wrap his head around.
Armin runs to his grandfather and embraces him, his whole body shaking as he sobs.
Eren turns to Mikasa. “I don’t get it.” He can feel his anger as he tries to understand Armin’s upset. “Mikasa what just happened?”
She looks at the ground and pulls her scarf down so that she can speak clearly. “They’re sending all able bodied refugees to fight the titans.”
“To take back the wall.”
“They have no training Eren.”
“But soldiers will be with them.”
“Look around Eren. Look at Armin’s grandpa.” Eren does. He takes in his wrinkled body and balding head. He remembers Armin telling him his grandfather’s joints ache and he can’t lift his arms too far above his head because his shoulders are worn. He can’t fight the titans.
Grimly, Mikasa speaks. “They’re sending them to slaughter.”
Anger courses through his tiny body like liquid fire. He turns and punches a crate, no doubt bruising his knuckles. He’s too weak to do anything. He can’t change it, all he can do is be furious. But his fury won’t help Armin and so he tries to reign it in and let it simmer just below the surface.
That night, Eren can only listen to Armin weep. He can’t move and he doesn’t sleep. Mikasa doesn’t sleep either. They stare at each other, letting Armin spend his last night with his grandpa how he wishes. Even if it is hard for him.
The next morning they gather the refugees. Bodies of those that tried to flee are burned in an open field. Armin’s grandfather hugs them all, “You three will be okay. Just stick together.” He pushes his hat down on Armin’s head and turns following the crowd. Once the gate is closed Armin’s knees buckle and he collapses to the ground clutching the hat. Eren has seen the things Armin is imagining in his head and it’s worse. The reality is so much worse, but he can’t tell him that. Eren doesn’t leave Armin’s side. Mikasa retrieves their rations. Gets their water. All the basics. Armin doesn’t move until the sun has set and Mikasa has gone to guard their sleeping area.
Eren makes him stand, convinced if he doesn’t Armin will stay there until he’s nothing but bones. They put Armin between them that night even though the whole point of having Mikasa in the middle is that she’s a girl. Armin passes out from exhaustion and Eren soon follows after him.
Sleep does not stick and Eren is woken by the minute shaking beside him. He opens his eyes and sees Mikasa trying to calm Armin. “How long has he been awake?”
“An hour. Maybe less.”
“Go back to sleep. I’ll take care of him.”
She regards him then nods once.
Eren turns Armin over. The poor boy still has that straw hat clutched to his chest. “Armin,” he pushes his blond hair back and wipes the wet from his cheeks. Armin looks at him, his eyes full of fear and abandonment. Eren’s not good with stuff like this, but to be fair neither is Mikasa. Armin is always the one that has words. Eren has action. He pulls Armin so they are nose to nose. He scans Armin’s face. The proximity seems to calm him. Eren pushes himself up his pillow and kisses Armin’s forehead. Then his cheeks. And nose. Even the spot under his chin. He’s not sure why, maybe because it use to be what his father would do to his mother.
Armin stills and they lock eyes. “Why did you do that?”
It’s the first thing he’s said all day and Eren sighs in relief. “I’m going to take care of you. You’re not alone. We’re going to be okay.”
Armin falls asleep cradled in his chest. For the first time Eren puts a word to the way he feels about Armin and swallows it. Now is not the time.
Eren is simple. The best way for him to protect Armin is for him to protect everyone and the best way to do that is for him to join the military. To join the scouting legion. To kill every titan and avenge his parents and Armin’s grandfather.
He thinks just him and Mikasa will go but when Armin tells them he will go to, so he can be useful, Eren wants to scream. It’s all so unfair. He’s too young to even theorize why the world is like this. But he knows deep in his bones not a one of them deserves this. Least of all Armin. Sweet gentle Armin. His Armin, he thinks with a lit passion.
They meet Jean Kirschstein in training. Long face - body soft with the tiniest traces of baby fat. He must of had a good life. Eren dislikes him immediately. He has such a distasteful and selfish personality. Things aren’t made any better when he tries to hit on Mikasa. Eren laughs for weeks about how Mikasa had given him the brush off. Armin, strangely, has no opinion.
Their trainee years pass by quickly, Jean’s just a thorn in Eren’s side but never more bothersome than that. The occasional pass at Mikasa serves to fuel Eren’s entertainment. And the knowledge that he’s training as hard as he is to help humanity instead of himself gives him enough of an ego boost to look down on Jean. Just a little. They have no problems arguing, Eren has no problems being called a suicidal maniac if that’s what it means to protect his family. To protect the precious blond boy that sleeps next to him at night; snoring softly and his delicate face making Eren hard beneath the covers.
Armin seems distracted in those years. Not with his studies or his training just when they are alone his mind seems preoccupied with other thoughts. His eyes always staring at the landscape in the distance.
It’s on the cusp of their graduation he begins to notice where Armin’s eyes travel. Always to Jean. When they eat, when they shower, when they train. Eren convinces himself it’s not true, there is no meaning to it. Jealousy begins to plague him. He’d never considered Armin might.... he’s never considered anything he realizes. He’s not even addressed his own feelings with Armin. The frustration he feels towards himself threatens to ignite.
But, surely, Armin knows his feelings. He must. They are in everything he does. Training to be the strongest. Striving to be the best. Armin must know Eren does these things for him.
Eren resolves to speak with Armin before it’s too late. He makes his decision as he stands on top of the wall looking out over green pastures of what was once humanity’s land.
Thunder cracks open the sky and his world becomes a living nightmare.
Armin’s scream cuts through everything. The pain. Because there is only pain as he lies there dying on a rooftop. His muscles strain against the unevenness of his body. When he sees Armin pinched between the fingers of a fifteen meter titan he nearly falters because of the briefest thought that Armin is already dead. But, then, he can hear Armin struggling in the titan’s mouth and his mind clears.
He channels strength he doesn’t even know he has and dives right into the titan’s mouth. He barely manages to grab hold of Armin. The whole time the searing pain of having to brace his bloody stump against the titan’s teeth ripples through his body and feels like it’s tearing him apart.
Eren throws Armin to safety by countering his weight with Armin’s. Relief spreads through him when Armin lands on the roof - safe. He wants everything in that moment - to touch Armin’s face, to wipe his tears, to kiss away the fear and pain. And Armin wants him, he must because he desperately reaches off the side of the roof to Eren’s extended had and the sheer horror and loss that passes over Armin’s face as the titan closes his jaw - is that love?
In the titan’s belly Eren is dying. It’s unfathomable he’s made it this long, he thinks distantly. His primary, reactionary emotion takes hold. Anger. He can’t achieve his revenge from here. Save humanity. Protect Armin. He never even told Armin. He hates himself for being so weak.
His anger collides with his pain; his resolve with his unfinished business. It bubbles beneath the surface like an incomprehensible force that rips it’s way through his body. Then the world is dark.
Everything is confusing when he wakes up. Armin is the only comprehensible part in the chaos. Hand holding Eren’s; eyes bright and wide even as he weeps from relief.
-
They put him in a cage. They call him a danger to humanity. The idea is outrageous. Him of all people wouldn’t endanger humanity. He’s had so much taken from him by the titans; his childhood, his family, nearly the one person who means more to him than anything else. Hell, he’d thought he’d given his life to save him.
In that moment he hadn’t accomplished anything he’d wanted to and while he hadn’t been satisfied with that he’d been sated knowing Armin was alive. Knowing Armin might one day see the ocean and the lands beyond the walls. Even if it was without him.
Thoughts of Armin are the only thing that get him through the next couple weeks. The scouting legion takes him. He’s convinced he might have seen Armin for the last time. He’d been talking to him for weeks. Trying to convince him to join the Garrison or put in an appeal to join the Military Police. He might not be in the top ten physically but Armin is the top in their studies and smarter than any person he’d ever met. He’d probably get in too, especially when they find out he’s the one who saved all their asses in Trost.
He’s both relieved and terrified to learn Armin has joined the Scouting Legion with the rest of the 104th. Part of him is thrilled to see his friends, alive and well. He’s more than surprised and a bit irritated to see Jean there. There’s no place for somebody like him here, on the front lines of humanity. His arrogance hasn’t receded, nor his selfishness from what Eren can see. Yet, his body is tone after years in the military. A formidable soldier, at best.
Their squad leaders don’t leave much time for reunion. Eren is very important for somebody with such little power and influence. He’s a weapon and coming to terms with that is strange. He’s only alive because he’s some sort of monster; but he’d saved so many people. Armin included.
Even so, he can’t help but notice how close Armin and Jean seem to have become in such a short amount of time. They’re always working together, talking in the shade when they are allowed a break. He dizzies himself thinking about all the things they could possibly be talking about. Jean’s not smart, his ability to hold a conversation with Armin is, in itself, a mystery. The fact Jean scored higher than Eren in the written testing is also questionable.
Jean rubs Armin’s head and Eren can see the blush on Armin’s face from across the compound. He frowns and tells himself it means nothing. Eren’s not dumb. He can see it. But he won’t acknowledge it.
He pulls Armin aside the first chance he gets, behind the stables and just holds him with his face in Armin’s hair and Armin clutching at his back. Eren can feel the way Armin’s sinewy arms tense against his shoulder blades as he pulls Eren closer.
“I thought I lost you,” Armin sobs against his chest.
Eren breathes in his scent, honeysuckle and pine. “I’ll never leave you Armin.” Eren means is. His chest constricts; this is love, right? Armin can feel it too, unspoken and pure. He must. There’s no reason to say it, they communicate on a level above spoken word.
At least that’s what he tells himself. He’ll give his life for humanity but can’t even fathom speaking the necessary words to the one he loves. In that right, he’s a coward. He feels like crying.
His emotions boil over one night when they are all in the dining hall. Jean and Armin walk in late. Huge smiles on their face. Armin looks brighter, somehow. Eren feels the scowl on his face and looks pointedly to his food. Mikasa reaches across the table, “Ignore it. You need to focus on tomorrow’s expedition.”
Armin joins them. But, he can’t ignore it. It’s eating him on the inside. “You and that horse seem to be pretty close lately.”
Armin frowns at him. “He’s not as bad as you think Eren. He’s just, he needed somebody to talk to after Marco.”
“And you volunteered yourself?”
“I -” Armin stops short. “It’s not like that. We just - we get along. Is it so terrible that I have other friends?”
“No. It’s not.” Mikasa chimes in, no doubt trying to pacify the situation. She locks eyes with Eren and holds his gaze.
She’s right; but that doesn’t make the sting any less. “It’s fine Armin. Just don’t forget who your family is.”
“Eren, I -” Armin frowns. “Please don’t. Not when tomorrow is our first expedition. You have to be prepared for the possibility -”
The surge of protection Eren feels is unprecedented. “Armin. Nothing is happening to you. Not to any of us.”
Armin smiles, small and sad before glancing behind Eren and speaking, “I hope you’re right.”
Eren doesn’t have to turn to know Jean is behind him but he does anyway. It hurts more than when the titan bit his leg off.
The next few months are a blur of deception, lies, death, and betrayal. The good points outweigh the bad, but not really. Not on an intimate level. The whole squad is back together for the first time after well a lot of events you can damn well read the manga to understand because a bitch don’t have time to make this shit sound colloquial nor the patience.
They are sitting at wooden tables in a clearing that used to be a base inside the first ring. A bonfire burns behind him so brightly Eren can feel the warmth at his back. Mikasa sits across from him speaking in soft tones to Connie and Sasha who are already drunk on beer. Beer makes them philosophical and Mikasa is the only one in the camp willing to oblige their babblings about the cheese, meat, and the necessity of a fiddle player in their ranks.
Eren half listens to them. His attention is mostly focused on the table to the left of them. Jean and Armin sit there. Jean’s legs thrown to either side of the bench and saddled so close to Armin that his body is practically between his thighs. Armin has his head propped up on the tabletop, smiling shyly at Jean who just grins back at him.
They’ve been closer since Eren’s been away. Stealing glances, exchanging gentle touches when possible. They must think nobody notices but Eren’s eyes are keen. Always following. Always observant of Armin.
The two of them stand. First Jean who starts walking towards the treeline. Armin sits and twiddles his thumbs glancing between his lap and Jean’s receding back. Then he stands, face flushed and fists clenched. Armin follows Jean’s figure into the treeline.
Eren chugs his full beer. Suds rush down the underside of his chin and dry in sticky paths to his shirt collar. “I’m gunna go take a piss.” He stands and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. He’s gone before Mikasa can stop him.
Nerves make him move slowly but alcohol leaves him with little grace. The dying foliage crunches beneath his boots as he stumbles into various trees and bushes. It’s a clear night, the moonlight catches the natural minerals in the dirt to illuminate the darkness.
He knows Armin’s laughter anywhere and turns his attention when it’s cut short. His body freezes, he’s not even hidden in the dense shrubbery. He doesn’t see Armin, he sees Jean first. Looking deeply at the person he’s pressed to the tree.
“Jean, please,” Armin gasps.
Eren can feel his heart shattering. It’s a sinking cold feeling that crack his rib cage. There’s no anger or malice in this moment just self pity and hopelessness. Maybe confusion.
There’s a rustle of clothing and the distinct sound of a belt coming undone. Jean is eyeing Armin wolfishly. A self appreciative smirk on his face and intentioned glint in his eyes.
Eren takes a step back and Jean’s head snaps up. They lock eyes. Jean frowns, obviously perturbed but then his face falls with something like sympathy. Or maybe pity. His attention turns back to Armin. “Come on, Armin. There’s a clearing up ahead.”
Armin whines in the darkness. “You’re making me wait?”
They both laugh. “It will be worth it. I promise.” Jean leads them away from Eren. He glances over his shoulder once to Eren then switches focus to Armin kissing at his neck as they walk, off balance.
Eren finds a tree and collapses against it. He slides down. The bark raises his shirt and scratches his back. He hangs his head between his legs as numbness rises in his body. The images replay in his mind even as he tries to force the memory out of his head. The more he sees it the less numb he feels and the more anger courses through his body.
“Fuck,” he says to the ground. The tension inside him building. He says it again, louder. Then louder. And louder again. The anger explodes. He kicks at the ground, clenches his hands into fists and pulls them tight to his chest. “Fuck!” He screams in the darkness. He grabs a rock and throws it into the hidden forest.
The anger drains from him all at once, like someone has tipped over a barrel of water. He pulls his knees back up to his chest, runs a hand through his hair, and hangs his head. “Just, fuck.” He sobs, once. Tears sting his eyes and he covers his face with his hands.
He’s not sure how long he’s there. Not long enough for Jean and Armin to come back, that’s for sure. He feels Mikasa’s presence before he even turns to look at her. She stands tall and looks powerful. It makes him feel small because of the way she stares at him.
“You know he loves you. Just not the way -”
A latent sob escapes him and cuts her short. “Please don’t.” He takes a breath. “Did you know?”
No pause. “It was never really a secret.”
Eren nods to himself. He puts his hands on his knees and stands. “It hurts.”
Mikasa looks him up and down. Silence. There’s deep understanding in her eyes, “More than it should.”
His stomach drops. He’s not sure if she’d meant to imply anything but he gets the feeling she has. “Mikasa - I. We’re -,” family he wants to say. But he’s told Armin they’re family and, well.
She shakes her head and waves him off. “Let’s go back to camp.”
They walk silently, shoulder to shoulder.
-
His anger returns fully the next day. It buzzes around him like a disease. He wakes early, before nearly anybody. It’s coincidence that Jean also wakes around the same time. He sits in his bed and Eren pulls himself up.
They lock eyes across the barracks. They both know.
Silently they dress. A race between the two of them, he curses when Jean wins and walks out the door before him. He rushes after him, Jean’s not in the yard. On instinct he goes to the animal pen they’ve been using to spar when the troops get to feeling ready.
Jean leans casually on the fence. He sees Eren and opens the gate, Eren follows him in.
“I’m not going to go easy on you,” Jean says but takes no measures to prepare himself.
Eren snarls, “Fine by me.”
Jean scratches at his stubble. “Any chance you want to talk about it? It’s what Armin would want us to do.”
“Fuck that.”
“That’s the exact reason he’s with me and not you.”
Eren charges and lands a punch solidly in Jean’s jaw, knocking him flat on his back.
They roll on the ground, Jean’s not doing much to retaliate, only evade. Eren eventually gets the upper hand and wails on Jean’s face for a few solid swings. Then Jean’s fists connects with his jaw and they switch positions. Blood from Jean’s nose drips on his face as he gets his own beating.
They tire each other out pretty quickly and collapse in the dirt next to each other.
“I’m not going to apologize to you, shit for brains.” Jean breathes out heavily.
“Good. It’d be too pathetic for me.”
Historia is Queen. Beloved by her people for freeing them from the titans. Since humanity has reclaimed their world she spends a lot more time attending to political affairs in the capital than in the field. The scouting legion is still largely involved in the defense of the populace but a great deal of their efforts have become humanitarian. This leaves the scouting legion to be divided.
It begun months ago; teams being sent out to explore beyond the walls. Eren was among them and has returned. Historia treats them all to a lush dinner in her castle. They all joke and reminisce about those they’ve lost but about better things as well.
Jean and Armin hold hands under the table. Mikasa had been right, there had never been a secret. It still hurts. It’s a blow everytime Jean is chosen over Eren, It’s more often now than it has been before. They are so obviously in love, it makes him sick. He’s tried to purge his heart of Armin. He’s visited every brothel in the capital city but nothing numbs the constant pain of seeing them together.
“Friends.” The gathering goes silent as Historia stands at the head of the table. “We have been through so much together. We’ve lived the pain and misery of one life ten times over. Most of us still left from my trainee days are hardly old enough to be called adults. However, we have led humanity to a brighter future.” There are murmurs of solidarity.
“And the future is brighter, yet. As most of you know the expeditions you have been on over the course of the last half year have been to find suitable regions for humanity to settle. After careful consideration between myself and my advisors.” She gestures to Erwin and Hanji. “We have decided where to post the next stronghold of humanity. This has made us consider exactly who to send as a representative of the crown to preside over our new territory.”
Silence falls over the table. “I trust nobody more than the people in this room. I am surrounded by the brightest minds in this world and the strongest arms, as well. That being said, I feel it’s already obvious who we hope to lead our citizens to their pursuit of happiness. Armin, please stand.”
Armin pushes back from the table, nervousness tugging at his fine features. His face has matured so well. Jean’s hand not so discreetly brushes the back of his thigh and smiles up at Armin. Eren looks away.
“The brightest of our time,” she regards Armin by raising her glass. “And the only person I would give this burden to. Sir Armin Arlert. The first of his name and lord of his own land.”
The table erupts in cheers and then there’s a flurry of movement to congratulate him.
“Settle. Settle.” Historia commands their attention. “Of course this isn’t a task to be accomplished alone. He will be accompanied by the first of his people and a military squad hand picked by Jean Kirschstein - his commander.”
There’s another round of cheering and congratulations.
The night goes on. The buzz of the announcement only increases the volume at the table. Excitement is the last thing he feels. All he can feel is dread twisting the pit of his stomach. Not having Armin is one thing but to have him taken away is a whole new level of pain and suffering he doesn’t want.
The night dies down. Jean and Armin leave together. No doubt back to one of their rooms. Eren makes his leave too, Mikasa at his side. She’s different now. She has a beau who lives in one of the outer rings. Eren’s met him; he’s just a florist but he makes Mikasa happy.
He’s just drunk enough that it seems like a good idea to ask. “How did you do it?”
“Do what?”
Eren swallows. “Move on.”
She looks at him sadly and stops outside her door. “Because being loved in return feels a whole lot better than not.” She puts her hand on his shoulder and kisses his cheek. “Things will change.” They say their goodbyes and Eren walks to his room.
He’s just beginning to undress when there’s a knock on his door. Confused, he pulls his shirt back on and opens it.
Historia smiles at him and he salutes. They both agree it’s strange but that doesn’t stop him. She sizes him up. “If I ask you to hold that position indefinitely, will you?”
Eren bites back his laughter. “Whatever you desire, my Queen.”
“At ease,” she says with a dismissive wave of her hand. “May I come in?”
He grins, “Queens aren’t supposed to be caught in their soldier’s rooms.”
“Then, just for now, I’m not.” She enters, candlelight catching her hair. She looks so small in the middle of his square confines. Pointedly she looks between the chair, bed, and Eren.
“Please. Sit,” He pulls the chair to her then sits on his bed. Her face is serious but subtle. “You’re not here for a friendly visit.”
Historia laughs. “There aren’t very many of those any more are there.” She pulls at the ends of her hair. Eren waits for her to speak. She perks up, bright smile on her face. “Do you remember last summer when we were all together last? We went to the creek you, Armin, and Mikasa used to play by. Something about Butterscotch. I don’t quite remember. We ended up under the willow together.”
“You’d twisted your ankle trying to walk in heels on the cobblestones.”
“Yes. But why were you there?”
Eren thinks back. Armin had babbled on and on to Jean all morning about his memories of their hometown. He’d practically lit up when he was able to talk about that stupid three-legged frog. Eren watched mutely as Armin showed Jean the little grave they’d made him and eaten the butterscotch in his pocket with Historia. He’d been dumb to think the day would have turned out any other way. But he had hoped.
“Who knows. That was a long time ago.” He rubs his hands over his knees.
“I know.” Eren catches her eyes. “You were looking at him all day. There I was yammering on and you were too distracted to even listen.”
It’s not that he’s becoming irritated, these just aren’t things he wants to talk to Historia about. “Historia. What the point of bringing all this up?”
She looks to the side then back to him. “Hanji and Erwin keep bringing up my age. They keep calling it ‘child bearing’ age.” She laughs without humor. “Hardly, sounds like something they’d be concerned with right? But it is. They think I should take a husband and have a child. An heir.”
Silence falls between them. Eren knows what she’s alluding to but can’t bring himself to say anything.
“Well?” Historia demands with irritation or embarrassment in her voice.
“Why me?” She obviously knows how he feels about Armin.
She shrugs. “It looks good politically. We’ve grown close over the years. Same sense of burden in both of us. Maybe we’re similar in our heartache.”
Eren doesn’t know what to say he’s never considered anybody but Armin. His heart hammers in his chest. He’s about to say something but he’s not even sure what.
“I look like him, you know.” She swallows, “Like Armin. Everybody says so.”
He finally finds his words. “Christa, you should be with somebody you love.” Eren closes his mouth when he catches himself using her old name. It seems like a million years ago now.
Historia smiles to herself. “You’re the only one who ever calls me that anymore. It’s like you remember a part of me that everyone else forgets. I feel deeply enough for you Eren.”
Suddenly she crawls into his lap and takes his face in her hands. “I know one thing about you he never will.” When he doesn’t say anything she continues. “I know how deeply you can love because I’ve watched you suffer for so long.”
She kisses him firmly then holds his gaze. “It doesn’t have to start with love. Maybe it could become that, but it doesn’t have to.” Historia stands and walks to the door. “It’s a good move politically, either way.” With her hand on the door she doesn’t turn around, “If nothing else, since he’s leaving, you’ll be free and able to justify going out to his settlement as often as you want. If you don’t do this you’ll eventually be sent to settle a town in the next few years. Then you’ll never see him.” She opens the door. “Goodnight Eren.”
It’s the evening before Armin is scheduled to take his leave. Jean at his side and his people at his back. Eren waits for him outside the showers. “Hey,” he says when Armin notices and approaches him.
Armin smiles and pushes a stray hair behind his ear. “Hey yourself.”
Eren stretches. “So you leave tomorrow.” It’s a statement of fact, not a question. His mind is full of anxiety. Historia’s offer remains unanswered but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t think of it often.
“Yeah, the carts are ready to go at daybreak. Are you going to spend sometime with Mikasa while she’s on leave?”
“Maybe,” he shrugs. “I, uh, I wanted to talk to you.”
Armin smiles and his stupid heart does that stupid fluttery thing. “What do you think we’re doing?”
Eren can tell Armin’s just slightly on edge. “You know what I mean.”
“Eren,” Armin sighs. “This is hardly the time.”
Before he can make his own excuses or let Armin begin doing them as well he speaks. “I love you, Armin.”
Armin’s face falls with pity. He breathes out through his nose. “I know.”
Eren frowns. “Knew it.”
“I love Jean.” Armin finds his eyes to add insult to injury.
“I know.” Eren can feel tears in his eyes and he feels like a foolish fifteen year old again.
Armin reaches out and touches his cheek. Even though he’s just had his heartbroken all over again he turns into the warmth of Armin’s palm. “I’ll miss you. More than you know.”
“I think I have a pretty good idea.”
Armin smiles at him, small and plaintiff. “Will you visit?”
Eren smirks. “Nothing could stop me from bothering that piece of shit you’ve holed up with.”
All at once Armin pulls Eren’s face to his. He kisses his forehead, his cheeks, his nose. Then stares into his eyes. “You’re the best friend I could have asked for.”
They part ways. Eren notes how being called his best friend somehow hurts less than it has in the past. He finds his way back to his barracks but continues on a whim. He passes the guard at her door and knocks.
The invitations go out in fall. The first prince is born the following winter.