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Slides are scary. They’re far too tall, but Mum says that Felix is old enough to go down them by himself and that he doesn’t need her. So, he sits there staring down the metal slope to where Mum would normally be waiting to catch him. Today, she isn’t. Instead she sits on one of the park benches, holding out another apple slice for Olivia to take—all whilst watching her son build up the courage to make the ride on his own. Another lady sits beside her, and the lady’s daughter takes Olivia’s apple slice. If Felix wasn’t so terrified right now, he’d be on the floor laughing at his little sister’s crying face.

“Are you scared of slides or something?” a voice giggles behind him. Felix whips around, horrified.

“No! I’m just… waiting,” he mutters, scowling at the boy now standing in front of him. 

He’s much taller than Felix and looks older—Maybe 10 or 11—and his hair is curly like Mum’s when she goes out with Appa. 

“Waiting for what?” the boy pushes, crossing his arms over his chest. Felix mirrors the action in an attempt to look as confident as he can, though considering how small and skinny he is, it probably doesn’t work too well. 

“I don’t know… just wait. I’ll go down in a minute.”

The boy nods, stepping closer to Felix who immediately takes a step back. His heel goes over the edge and he panics momentarily before the boy reaches out to grab him by the wrist. “We can go together,” he says. “The slide is big enough. I’m not waiting a whole minute to go down.”

That… doesn’t sound like a bad idea, so Felix nods, slowly lowering himself until he’s sat with his legs swinging over the edge of the platform. The metal slide is nice and cool against his legs in the summer heat, most of it shielded by the shade of the trees. 

The boy sits down too and turns to him with a grin. “What’s your name?”

Felix’s mum always tells him not to talk to strangers, or give strangers his name, so he isn’t sure why he answers, smiling just as wide. “Felix!” 

“Like the cat food? I’m Chris. Christopher, but everybody calls me Chris. You can call me Chris, too.”

“Chris… okay. Well, mum says I shouldn’t talk to strangers,” Felix frowns. He’s completely serious, so he isn’t sure why Chris starts giggling. “What’s so funny?”

“When adults say that, they only mean other adults, silly! How can you make any friends if you don’t talk to other kids? Do you have any friends?”

Felix stares at Chris, slightly offended that the boy thinks he’s a loner. “I have lots of friends! Luke and Ryan and Hee-sung, they’re all my friends. Where’s yours, if you’re so good at making friends?” 

Felix doesn’t mention that the names he’s listed are just some of the boys in his class, and none of them are really his friends. They’re all mean to him: Hee-sung told him that he looks dirty for a Korean and that his sun spots (as Mum calls them) make him look weird and ugly. Felix still hasn’t told Mum that he cried in bed that night after she’d tucked him in—that his red and puffy face the next morning was the result of him vigorously rubbing at his cheeks in front of the mirror to get the dirt off, followed by angry tears when his efforts turned out to be fruitless. 

Chris shrugs, blinking at Felix before he reaches a sole finger out. He presses under the younger boy’s eye and swipes, marvelling when he pulls his finger back and it’s clean. “These spots you have are so pretty! I thought it was dirt, or pencil. But wow, they’re actually on your skin. What are they?”

Chris looks genuinely curious, and… he thinks they’re pretty? “Mum says they’re sun spots. They can be called freckles too, I think. You… You think they’re pretty?” Felix asks incredulously. Nobody aside from his mum has ever told him that they’re anything remotely nice to look at, but Chris nods with an impossibly wider smile, taking Felix’s face in both his hands. 

“They’re so pretty," Chris breathes. "Have you always had them?”

“Yeah. I don’t like them, though.” Felix pulls his head back from Chris’ hold, dropping his gaze to stare at his hands where they grip the edge of the platform. Chris makes a weird noise of disbelief and takes a hold of Felix’s face again so he can’t avoid eye contact; he only lets go when Felix finally looks up at him.

“Why not?!” he asks incredulously. “Felix, what are you talking about? If I had freckles, I’d never stop talking about them or showing them off!” Chris is practically bouncing on the spot now, leaning into the younger boy’s personal space to inspect each and every one of them. “Woah, you have one shaped like a heart! Why don’t you like them? I love them.”

Felix, silent and still somewhat in shock, feels his bottom lip quiver at Chris’ words. “You can have them. I-I don’t want them. I… I look so ugly. I don’t want to be ugly.”

In a matter of seconds, Felix is pulling himself away from the top of the slide and huddling into a corner with his legs pulled up to his chest, face hidden from the boy he’s only just met; he doesn’t need to see Felix crying like a baby, and he doesn’t need to see his sun spots. Felix is finally beginning to understand what Mum means when she says people lie. There’s no way Chris is being serious. 

“Felix–”

“No, you’re lying! You– you sh-shouldn’t lie, only bad people lie! S-stop–” Felix takes a deep, shaky breath, his chest heaving. “Stop s-saying they’re pretty. I’m not pretty, I’m not.”

“Why do you think that you’re not pretty?” Chris asks calmly. His tone is so steady, so quiet amidst Felix’s sobs that it forces the younger boy to look up, taken aback by the kindness in his eyes. 

“If I say I think you’re pretty, I’m telling you the truth,” Chris continues. “My parents taught me it’s bad to lie, so I don’t. And… and I don’t think you’re ugly.”

“Hee-sung says they’re ugly and that Koreans shouldn’t have them.”

Chris scowls at that, moving closer to wipe Felix’s tears away. “I didn’t know Hee-sung has met every Korean ever. My cousin has freckles and she’s Korean, and she’s not ugly!” he says reassuringly. “How old are you?”

“I’m eight,” Felix declares proudly, holding his head high at that. Mum told him he’s a big boy now and that eight is a very important age. 

Chris giggles, smoothing down Felix’s hair where it’s gotten tousled. “I’m 11, so I’m older. That means I’m your hyung, okay? You have to listen to your hyungs, my Appa says.”

Felix nods eagerly and can’t help but giggle when Chris sternly tells him to stay still until all of his tears are gone. “I always listen to my hyungs! My friend Dae-hyeon is 12, so I call him Hyung.”

“Right! So from now on, you should listen to me, not Hee-sung. I’m your hyung, and I think your freckles are pretty, so you should only listen to that,” Chris says matter-of-factly. “Now come on, we haven’t gone down the slide yet!”

He takes Felix’s hand, making sure the younger boy is smiling before tugging him over the edge. Felix completely forgets about the slide being scary. He screams in delight as the wind rushes past his ears and Chris’ hand tightens around his, strong and warm, not letting go even as they crash onto the wood chips at the bottom.

The realisation that Felix is at the bottom of the slide comes seconds later, and he stands up with a gleeful yell, pulling Chris up with him.

“Mum! Mum, did you see? I went down the slide!” he giggles excitedly, shaking Chris’ arm as he jumps on the spot. “C’mon, let’s go!”

Chris has no complaints about being dragged towards the park benches. The lady sitting next to his mum gives Felix a big smile before she scoops him into a hug.

“Mum, who’s that?” Felix asks, face buried in her shoulder. After a little while, the box of apple slices is starting to press into his stomach and he pulls back, taking two of them and handing them to Olivia and the other little girl.

“This is Chris’ mum, and Hannah, his little sister. Have you made a new friend, darling?”

“Yeah!” Felix grins, taking Chris by the hand again. “Chris is my hyung, and I wasn’t scared on the slide because he said to go down together! Did you see how brave I was, Mum?”

Mum smiles, handing Hannah another apple slice. She holds one out for Chris too, and he takes it with a grin and a small bow. 

“I did, darling. Hey, you know, Chris goes to your school now. Maybe you guys will get to hang out more, yeah?”

Felix gasps, starry eyed as he turns to the older boy, smiling so widely his eyes become crescents. Pretty adorable, Chris thinks to himself.

“Do you wanna play with me during morning recess?” Felix’s voice is so full of hope—hope that perhaps he won’t be forced to hang out with Hee-sung just to have some company. Hee-sung is far meaner when it’s just him and Felix.

“I’d love to, Lixie,” Chris smiles gently, reaching out to ruffle his brown locks. Felix leans into his hand, giggling at the affectionate gesture.

Chris is only 11, only meeting Felix for the first time, but he secretly hopes that he’ll always get to see him smile like this.

***

There’s no sign of Felix when Chris gets to the bleachers, even when he calls out the younger boy’s name, but he knows he’s here somewhere. 

Chris unlocks his phone and glances at Felix’s curt reply—nothing but fine in response to how gym class went, which makes his heart clench. He’s not afraid to beat up a few 13 year olds if they’re making fun of Felix again, or even worse, making him cry. 

“Lixie?” he calls out now. “It’s Chris. Please say something.” He sighs heavily when there’s no response, the beam he’s leaning on too hot against his back as he slides down to sit on the ground. Suddenly, he can hear a tiny sniffle not too far from him. He turns his head to where some extra chairs are stacked up and catches a glimpse of box-dye blond hair in one of the little gaps. He lets out a small sigh of relief. “Hey… Talk to me, yeah? Hyung’s here.”

His phone pings with the tone set specifically for Felix.

It’s stupid. Go back to class.

“If you’re upset and not even talking to me about it, it’s not stupid. I told Ms Harman I felt sick anyway and she let me go to the nurse’s office.” No response. “I snuck an extra lollipop out…” he adds with a smile, and finally hears Felix giggle.

“One day that woman is gonna ban you from her lollipop stash,” Felix chides, but he’s still giggly. Chris carefully shuffles closer, sneaking a hand underneath the bottom of the chair stack. A smaller hand wraps around it and squeezes, and he can’t help but smile fondly. 

“I hate my freckles,” Felix sighs out eventually, his voice quivering. Chris huffs, imagining his building rage as a ball to strangle until it shrinks into nothing but a small, white speck. 

“Why?” It’s a question that Chris has asked time and time again, never truly expecting Felix to answer, but he can hope. Felix’s hand turns in his and gives it another squeeze. “I love them,” he adds.  

Felix sighs and lets go of his hand. From where Chris is sitting, he can see him standing up and making his way around, sinking to the grass to sit by Chris’ side. Felix leans into him, both arms wrapping around one of his. Each sniffle makes the Felix-shaped hole in Chris’ heart tear just a little more. 

“Yeah, but that’s you," Felix pouts, pressing his forehead into Chris’ shoulder. “You’ve always loved them—you don’t count.”

Chris doesn’t mention the way his heart aches at the statement, opting to flick his best friend on the head instead. “Exactly. I’ve always loved them. Felix, seriously. Your freckles are one of the best things about you, and they make you stand out,” he says softly, shaking his captured arm until Felix whines with a barely concealed giggle. “I’m offended, really, that my opinion means so little to you.”

“Oh, shut it. You know it means more to me than anyone else's,” Felix murmurs. “Thank you, Chris.” Chris freezes the moment he feels two chapped lips pressing against his bare shoulder, and tips his head back to look at the beams of the bleacher, the sunshine that peeks through the gaps, anything but Felix. “What am I going to do when you leave for uni?” Felix mumbles against his skin. 

Chris shrugs. “I guess you’ll just have to become an exemplary student and graduate with my year, won’t you? Though I’ve seen your math grades, and…” He sucks a sharp breath in through his teeth and shakes his head. Felix makes a face of faux offence before tackling him to the ground. Well, it’s not so much a tackle as it is Felix tipping him over to lie on the grass and winding their legs together, then plopping his head down on his chest. 

“Asshole. Now you can never leave me.” 

Chris watches the tips of Felix’s ears turn a flushed pink. Cute. “I would never dream of it, Lix.” 

They lie there in silence for several minutes—their breathing patterns syncing—until Chris speaks up again. “Need me to say something to Hee-sung?”

Felix shakes his head, burying his face in Chris’ shirt. “No, I don’t want you to get in trouble,” he says, voice muffled. 

Chris chuckles softly, his chest vibrating against Felix’s ear. That feels nice, Felix thinks to himself. 

“What makes you think I’ll get in trouble?”

“You’ll just end up punching him, and it could escalate. I don’t want that going on your permanent record, especially because of me. You’re gonna start prepping for university soon and you don’t need a fight to your name.”

Chris pouts, but he can’t argue with that. Felix is always right, always so smart, so level-headed compared to him and his unchecked anger issues (which, to be fair, are mainly a problem when he gets protective of Felix). 

He takes a hold of Felix’s face, prompting him to look up. “I wish you could see how pretty I think you are. Your freckles really are one of the best things about you. They’re unique and beautiful, and I could spend forever looking at them. Never forget that, okay?” 

Felix nods silently, eyes wet and shiny and his bottom lip quivering. “Thank you, Hyung.” He drops his head again, absentmindedly pulling at blades of grass and dropping them onto his friend’s stomach. Chris lets him, occupying himself with a hand in Felix’s soft hair. 

“Wanna come over and watch a movie tonight?” he asks. “Mum and Dad are going to Hannah’s recital, so I have the house to myself.”

Felix hopes Chris doesn’t notice how wide he smiles; although his face is turned away, Chris has always had a sixth sense when it comes to him—something Felix might’ve found eerie if the thought of being known so well didn’t make him blush. “Oh, can I?” he asks, as calm as he can manage.

Chris starts scratching light circles into Felix’s back and gives an affirmative hum that reverberates throughout his limbs. “Mm. We can make cookies, yeah? Just the way you like,” Chris chuckles fondly. The sound makes Felix feel all tingly, and his stomach feels funny like it does whenever Chris tells him how pretty he is.

Felix raises his head, eyes bright and wide. “Triple chocolate?” Chris’ heart threatens to beat right through his ribcage, and all he can manage is a small nod. 

That night, Chris’ parents come home to a quiet house; Felix is fast asleep on their son’s chest while he sings a gentle song against the younger boy’s hair. Chris is so at peace that he barely even glances at Hannah as she snatches two cookies from their plate, grinning mischievously as she retreats upstairs. It’s an irrelevant thing to bicker over when Felix’s soft hair tickles Chris’ nose and his cool fingers are resting just under the hem of his shirt. Chris hopes they get to stay like this forever.

***

“You gonna tell me what’s wrong?”

Felix sighs in response, still quiet as he takes a sip from Chris’ water bottle. A little water dribbles down his chin, which Chris wipes away before handing him the cap. 

“Mum says we’re moving to Korea. For Dad’s work, for school. Says it’ll be a good thing. Will help me and Olivia learn the language properly.”

Chris nods, but his hands and feet start to feel numb, dread settling in his heart. “W-When?”

Felix looks up, eyes wet and shiny. His lip quivers, but Chris has no strength in his arms to reach up and stop it like he normally would. “How can you be so fine with this? I-I thought you’d care more,” Felix sniffs, tears beginning to run down his cheeks but Chris still finds himself unable to move and comfort him. 

The moonlight streams in through the gaps of the bleachers and it makes Felix look ethereal—the way the light falls across his cheekbones and makes his freckles stand out. He’s so pretty, even when he cries, Chris thinks but quickly catches himself, overcome with a sense of shame that goes bone deep. Snap out of it. Now is not the time. 

“I do care. Felix, of course I do. I’m just… when?”

Felix breathes in deep and lets out a shaky breath. “14th of December.”

Chris blinks. His mouth opens but no sound comes out on the first try; he feels as though he’s been hit with every negative emotion at once whilst somehow also completely numb with shock. “I… That’s only a month. We have a month left together.” 

Felix nods. They fall into silence, barring Felix’s occasional sniffles. After a few minutes, Chris scoffs in disbelief and pulls the younger boy into a tight hug that he knows neither of them wants to end. “We’ll be okay. You’ll text me. We can find a way to keep in touch—email, call… fuck, anything.”

“Chris,” Felix whispers, the weight of desperation in his voice. “Chris, I don’t wanna leave. I wanna stay here, with you, and I wanna be here when you graduate, not”—he sobs against Chris’ shoulder—“not 4000 fucking miles away where I’ll have to wait for the fucking video and I can’t even hug or touch you.”

Chris has always tried to stay strong for Felix, always hidden how much he wants him—needs him—to be more than a friend. He’s never told him that he’s taken over every part of Chris or how much that makes him ache sometimes. He’s always kept it together, been the unbreakable one. Yet at this moment, all he can do is nod wordlessly against the younger boy’s hair, cheeks wet with tears. “I know, Lix. I know. We’ll find a way, o-okay?” He winces as his voice cracks on the last word. “It’s us. We’ll find a way. Never leaving each other and all that.”

“But I am leaving,” Felix cries, his hands curling into fists as he grips Chris’ shirt. “I don’t wanna go. I wanna stay here with you.” 

Nothing Chris says or does will make this better, nor make the fact that Felix is leaving any less real, but that doesn’t mean he can’t try. He kisses the top of Felix’s head and wipes his tears away before pulling his best friend up to look at him. “We’ll make a list. Anything and everything you wanna do—that I can arrange—we’ll do within a month. How about that?”

Felix perks up immediately, his expression a mix of shock and delight. “Really? Can we really do that, Hyung?”

Chris nods, laughter bubbling from his chest when Felix hugs him so fiercely that it sends them toppling back onto the grass. Lying there with his cheek nuzzled against Chris’ broad chest, Felix hums a soft tune, light and airy; it sends vibrations throughout Chris’ ribcage, stirring the butterflies in his stomach. The grass is slightly damp against his back, but with Felix in his arms like this he doesn’t mind it. A month. A month feels like no time at all, and yet mere minutes with Felix often feel like an eternity. “Got anything in mind for your first idea?” he asks. 

Felix stills, humming in response. “Well… there’s one thing.”

Chris makes a questioning noise, but Felix doesn’t answer. The younger boy lifts his head, now with a serious expression. (Chris finds it more adorable than anything, but he doesn’t tell Felix that.) “Are you about to ask if we can commit a crime together?” Chris giggles. He doesn’t expect Felix to start blushing. Oh. “You… you are?”

“What? What, no! No,” Felix laughs. 

Fuck. Such a simple noise shouldn’t be so beautiful to him—shouldn’t make him feel like he’s floating. Chris is so fucked. Truly and utterly fucked. 

“No, I don’t want to commit a crime, Chris.”

“Then, what?” Chris cocks his head slightly, amused when Felix only blushes harder. “Hm? What is it, Lix?” He lilts.

“S’embarrassing,” Felix mumbles, dropping his head again. Chris reaches out and hooks a finger under his chin to lift head up, holding him in place when he tries to look away. “I… promise me you won’t laugh.”

“I promise,” Chris whispers, holding his pinky out for good measure. Felix wraps his own around it, squeezing. 

“I’ve never… ha, I’ve never been kissed, okay? I’m 14 and I’ve never been kissed. I just…” He stalls for a second, swallowing audibly. “I don’t want my first kiss to be with some random person just to get it over with.” 

Chris is already beginning to piece things together, but nods encouragingly for Felix to continue anyway. His stomach is doing incessant flips, making him near-nauseous with anticipation. 

“I want my first kiss to be with someone I trust. Someone I…” Felix pauses, huffing out a laugh. “Someone I like.”

Oh. That’s new. Chris definitely didn’t expect him to say that. The numbness begins to creep back in, starting from his toes and making its way up. Chris has to be dreaming, because there is no way that what Felix just said is real. Surely his own feelings are fucking with his head and making him imagine things. “What?” His voice is barely a whisper. “Felix, you… what? Are you for real? You’re not messing about, are you?”

Felix shakes his head, pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth. “I’m not, Chris. Hyung, I… you have no idea how much I like you. I’m so… it’s you. How can I not lo—like you? From the very first moment we met, you’ve been nothing but loving and supportive; always, always by my side. How the hell could I not fall for you?”

“So… you mean it?” Chris asks, quiet. Still in shock. This can’t be real. 

“I mean it,” Felix whispers. “Chris, say something.”

This time, it’s Chris’ turn to laugh, overcome with disbelief. He tips his head back towards the beams above his head, dewy grass cool on his scalp. “Tell me I’m dreaming or something. You like me. You actually like me, the—the same way I like you? And we only have a month left together?”

Felix nods solemnly, tears welling up in his eyes once again. Chris does wipe them away this time, his thumb lingering on Felix’s cheekbone, right under his heart-shaped freckle. Felix laughs humourlessly. “What a cruel fucking world.” 

“Hey. L-Language,” Chris sniffs, but he can’t help his oh so fond smile.

Felix buries his face in Chris’ chest, sighing heavily. “One month. What the fuck.”

Chris doesn’t chastise him for his language this time, instead burying his face in Felix’s hair and trying to keep his emotions in check; this turns out to be impossible now that he knows that the most important thing in his life—six years and counting—is about to be ripped away from him.

“What social media do they use in Korea?” Chris asks after several minutes. “MSN? Skype?” 

Felix hums with a shrug. “I was watching some videos from people in Korea, y’know, just to get an idea before we go. I think it’s… CowTalk?”

There’s a brief moment of silence where Chris tries to hold back his laughter as he processes what Felix has just said. “CowTalk? Lix, do you mean KakaoTalk?”

Felix grumbles when Chris breaks into a fit of laughter, though that name does make more sense than CowTalk. He rolls off of Chris, watching his friend turn on his side and clutch his belly, wheezing as he tries to catch his breath. 

“Stop laughing at me,” Felix whines, which only serves to make him laugh harder. He waves a hand as if to say he isn’t, only for a second before he’s grabbing his stomach again. 

“I’m—fuck, I… ‘m s-sorry,” Chris snickers several minutes later, still wheezing. “Oh, my stomach hurts.”

“Deserved,” Felix mutters, pouting as he lies back down but secretly full of warmth since Chris’ laughter is impossible not to love—just like Chris himself, and Felix does love him. 

He loves Chris. “I don’t want to leave you,” he whispers.

Chris ignores it; everything is too emotionally charged for him to think properly right now, and it’s not like he’s gonna come up with a solution. He wraps one arm around the younger boy’s shoulders and lets his free hand play with his hair, occasionally brushing his thumb over the top of his ear. “So…” he says finally. “You want me to kiss you?”

Felix nods almost imperceptibly against his chest. “But I’m—I’m scared that if you do I’ll get even more attached than I already am,” he mumbles. “If that’s even possible,” he adds with a laugh. “We do this and then I still have to leave next month and I’ll never get to see you again, and… Chris, I can’t.” He curls his fingers into the fabric of Chris’ shirt and holds on tight. “And at the same time, it has to be you . It—it can’t be anyone else, it has to be you.”

“Okay, Lix. We’ll be okay, yeah?” His voice is as gentle as his hold on Felix as he sits them up. Cicadas fill the silence around them, but it isn’t enough to drown out the way Chris’ heart calls out for Felix, Felix, Felix. Chris gently pulls him close and presses their lips together, and not even the cicadas can drown out his best friend’s choked sob. 

Neither of them move for a second, just revelling in the softness of the other’s lips. Felix notes that Chris tastes like peppermint. He cleans in closer, and suddenly he’s very aware that he doesn’t know what to do next. Is he supposed to be tilting his head? He starts to, but realises he doesn’t know which way is the right one. Is there a general rule? Oh god, he’s gonna mess this up. Chan seems to read his mind, because right then he places a hand on each of Felix’s cheeks, holding his head still as he expertly angles his head to one side and slots their mouths together. 

“Chris…” Felix gasps against his lips. Chris hums, sucking on his bottom lip in a silent request to be granted access. He feels himself go lightheaded when Felix dips his tongue in and runs it over his teeth and his tongue; the way he moves is uncoordinated, inexperienced, but Chris wants more, more, more. When it comes to Felix he’ll always want more, always want him to himself; he knows that’s selfish, but he can’t help it.  

Chris’ mind starts to wander and he whimpers against Felix’s lips when he thinks about the younger boy moving on once he gets to Korea, too swept up in his new life to stay in touch for long. It’s not like he’ll blame Felix if that happens; he’ll be in a completely new environment, exciting and unfamiliar and teeming with endless opportunities: new friends, new lovers— 

Chris stops abruptly, and Felix whines a little at the sudden loss of contact, pulling back to give him a questioning look. His swollen lips are still parted, red and wet, and Chris finds himself falling harder and faster. He is so utterly screwed.

“Lix, I’m—” He stops himself, hands dropping to his lap. He flinches slightly when Felix takes them in his own and brings them to his lips; his breath hitches when Felix presses his lips to the back of one hand, then the other. “I’ll find a way,”  he says earnestly. “I’ll save up money, renew my passport and get a plane ticket as soon as I can. Just… you’ll wait?”

“I’ll wait,” Felix nods, hopeful. He looks up, tears in his eyes, bottom lip quivering. 

Chris tips his head back to look through the gaps in the bleachers, met with the light reflecting off the moon. It’s a waxing crescent tonight, will be again when Felix leaves. The dread is a giant ball at the pit of his stomach, and he feels increasingly nauseous the more he thinks about the inevitable. “C’mon. It’s getting late.” 

Felix lets himself be pulled up, giggling when the force of it makes him crash right into Chris’ chest. “Yeah, but mum doesn’t mind when I’m with you.” He brings his shaky fingers to his lips where he can still feel a tingling sensation and a faint taste of peppermint. He breaks into a grin, wanting nothing more than to jump and scream in delight. He kissed me, he kissed me, he kissed me. He’s giddy even as they start walking back home. Before they say goodnight, Chris pauses in front of the lemon tree in Felix’s front yard, and Felix is floating when Chris kisses him again—chaste but sweet this time—with a promise that they’ll start on their list the next morning. 

Mum doesn’t say anything when Felix walks in far too loudly, grinning to himself and even going as far as to voluntarily kiss her cheek. She watches her son go upstairs—with his swollen lips and bits of grass in his hair—and decides it’s the least she can do to allow him a few happy moments with his person before they leave. 

***

6 years later

“Anything from the audition team yet?” Mum’s voice is crackly over the phone—a result of Felix’s shitty reception. He shakes his head before he remembers she can’t see him and says that no, he hasn’t.

“That’s okay, darling. Give it some time, hm?”

Felix sighs and nods again—this time mostly to himself—but if he’s honest, her reassurance doesn’t make his heart feel any lighter. He pulls his legs up against his chest and rests his chin on his knees, propping his phone up in a precarious position against an empty glass. In the background of his mother’s call, he can hear Olivia yell that she can’t find her backpack, which makes him smile; it’s been a while since he went back home and he misses his little sister. Not that he’d ever confess that to her, of course.

“Remember how I used to go on and on about wanting to be a singer?” Felix laughs, opening his laptop to check his inbox; maybe the email from the audition committee just didn’t show up on his phone. “You and Dad bought me a karaoke machine just so I could start young.”

“Gosh, you were so upset to leave it behind, Yongbok-ah,” Mum chuckles. 

“Did you throw it away?”

Mum hums. “No, we gave it to the family of that kid you used to hang out with. Remember Christopher?”

Chris. Christopher Bahng. How could Felix ever forget him?

His finger instinctively comes up to his lips when he remembers the kiss—kisses—they shared before he left. How Felix had liked him so intensely that he’d felt nauseous at the thought of Chris not reciprocating his feelings. Of course, by some cruel twist of fate, he’d found out the feelings were mutual only a month before he had to say goodbye. A cruel fucking world, indeed. He can still hear the echo of Chris scolding him for cursing, and laughs bitterly to himself.

Nostalgia turns into guilt as Felix recalls how he didn’t stay in contact with Chris for long after the move—too swept up in the new and daunting atmosphere of Seoul, bustling with life and colour. To his surprise, it hadn’t taken him long to befriend a nice group of people once he got here. Unlike at his old high school, people here actually wanted to be his friends. 

He had tried to stay in contact with Chris, he really had. He remembers struggling through his first week of classes in Korean but being so excited to tell Chris about it when one of the boys greeted him in English and said his freckles looked really cool. Chris had been really happy for him, and very supportive of his newfound friendships.

Felix soon got busy with school and extra lessons to catch up on the language, and the next few weeks seemed to pass in the blink of an eye. Though he kept meaning to write Chris back, their almost daily emails soon became a weekly occurrence, which in turn became emails from Chris stacking up in his inbox. Felix really did mean to get to it, but between Chris and his new friends, he felt like he was being pulled in different directions, and it was so much easier to focus on what was right in front of him. It took him a while to even notice that the emails had stopped coming altogether. 

“Do you know what he’s doing now?” Felix asks—in Korean this time—and the line is silent for a few moments. 

“No,” his mother says. “I did stay in contact with his mother but not for very long. I think he attended a good university in Sydney.”

Felix sighs when his Naver search turns out fruitless—though he supposes makes sense. He doesn’t think Christopher Bahng would ever come up on a Naver search. He opens up Facebook instead, stumped when he realises he doesn’t remember his login information. He doesn’t use Facebook much, never felt the need to after moving and finding out the kids in his class don’t use it. “Shit,” he mutters, but after a few clicks to reset his password, he’s in—taken aback when he sees a few pending friend requests. At the very top is a name that makes his heart soar and simultaneously threaten to split into a thousand pieces.

Christopher Bahng has sent you a friend request. 

“Holy shit. Mum… mum, he reached out. I…” Felix laughs incredulously and leans back in his chair. He drops his feet to the ground and leans in to get a better look, but the name stays unchanged. Christopher Bahng. 

There’s a message from Chris too. Just one, from four weeks ago. Felix starts to feel bad that he never checks this inbox. How long would Chris have waited for a response? Would he wait for him at all? He wouldn’t blame him if he didn’t; it was Felix who failed to keep in touch, after all, so any hurt Chris might feel is justified—especially if he’s reaching out and yet again gets no response.

Christopher Bahng: Hey, Felix! At least I hope this is Felix… hahaha 

Felix’s brows knit together and he goes to take a quick look at his own profile. Ah. He completely forgot that he’d changed his display name from Felix Lee to Yongbok Lee—nobody has called him Felix for years. He shakes his head, forcing himself to focus so he can read the rest of Chris’ message.

Christopher Bahng: Hey Felix! At least I hope this is Felix… hahah. You have the same face as you did 6 years ago, but you seem to go by Yongbok now. Anyway, I hope you remember me. 

“Mum, I’ll call you later, okay?” Felix barely waits for her response before hanging up and dropping his head in his hands. 

Chris still thinks about him. Despite Felix not keeping in contact with him all these years, Chris reached out first. He wants to talk. Felix has to reply. He can’t just leave him on read—that’ll make him look even worse than he already does. He switches the keyboard to English and hovers the mouse over the message box, fingers shaking a little as he types out Chris’ name. 

Yongbok Lee: Hi, Chris! Of course I remember you haha

Yongbok Lee: God, it’s been years since we last spoke ㅠㅠ

Chris comes online a few seconds later and is already typing back, which sends a thrill through his body. Felix watches the three dots appear and disappear, pulling on a loose hangnail as he waits. The guilt settles deeper the longer Chris takes to reply, and he's about to chicken out and close the tab entirely when the answer comes. 

Christopher Bahng: It really has! Are you… alright with a video call?

Christopher Bahng: ngl I kinda wanna see what you look like now hahahaha

Oh. Oh god.

Felix isn’t prepared for this; he doesn’t think he could sit through a video call with his childhood best friend knowing it’s his fault they lost touch for six whole years. His fingers tremble over the keyboard as he tries to think of an excuse. He knows how much of a coward he’s being, but truthfully, he isn’t ready for all those visceral feelings from years ago to come flooding back in the blink of an eye. 

Felix clicks onto Chris’ profile, then on his profile picture. It’s recent and Chris is smiling, all wide and dimpled—exactly how Felix remembers it. He finds himself running a finger over the screen where Chris’ dimple shows, and he smiles shyly to himself when he remembers every time he would kiss the tip of his finger and press it into the dip. 

Chris is incredibly buff now; his shoulders are wide and well built, every muscle and curve visible through the compression shirt he wears in the photo. Fuck. He’s still exactly Felix’s type, and Felix is incredibly glad that nobody is around to witness him drooling. His ears feel burning hot as he goes back to their chat. 

He still has no valid excuse to avoid the video call, no reason not to reconnect with the boy he fell hard and fast for at 14—the boy who made it impossible for Felix to be even remotely interested in anyone else for years to come. Felix’s first and only serious relationship was weighed down by an incredible amount of guilt on his part; his partner was great, so why couldn’t he just settle and stop thinking about his first love?

Has Chris moved on by now? He would have, Felix knows he would. There’s no reason he'd try to hold on to someone who couldn’t even find the time to reply to him. Felix wouldn’t blame Chris if he resents him for it. 

Yongbok Lee: Sure :)

Yongbok Lee: Are you free tonight? 7pm my time?

Christopher Bahng: Absolutely. I’ll see you tonight! 

***

Felix hesitantly hovers a finger over the call button, staring back at his reflection on the screen. It’s fine. He’s only gonna talk to an old friend. Okay, so It's been six years. It’s still Chris for crying out loud. Sweet, caring Chris—so attuned to Felix that he never needed more than a few words to understand him. The first boy to ever kiss him; the first person to ever kiss him. 

Felix gives himself a light pinch and shakes his head as if to snap out of it. “It’s fine,” he says to himself. “It’s just Chris.”

He takes a deep breath before hitting Call, fiddling with the cord of his earphones as he waits. He starts checking his hair in his video feed, making sure there isn’t a strand sticking out somewhere and making him look ridiculous. Do his clothes look okay? Does he look tired? Are the bags under his eyes noticeable—?

Chris accepts the call almost immediately, and all of Felix’s worries melt away as he’s faced with the same fond expression he saw all the time growing up. Only this time, it belongs to an older face, and Chris actually looks shy. Felix takes note of the sparkle in his eyes and is precariously close to reliving every feeling he had for the man all those years ago. 

“Hi,” Chris smiles. It knocks the air out of Felix’s lungs and he nods wordlessly, breathing deeply so as not to pass out. An insurmountable sense of relief mixed with fear comes flooding over him, and he’s almost tempted to click End Call.

“Hi,” Felix manages eventually. Chris rests his chin on his hand and scans him over, a light blush colouring his cheeks. Felix hopes he’s managing to hide his fluster. “What?”

“Nothing. I’m—fuck, it’s good to see you,” Chris chuckles. Felix watches him rub the back of his neck and realises a moment later that he’s doing the same thing; he drops his hand, but Chris doesn’t. 

“It’s good to see you too, Chris. You look good,” Felix mumbles; the last part is too quiet for Chris to hear, and he gives curious “Hm?” in response. Felix shakes his head dismissively, though he can feel his ears burning. “You…you’ve been well?”

God , why is Felix so awkward? You’ve been well? What kind of question is that?

“Yeah, I’ve been alright,” Chris smiles, giving no indication that this is awkward for him. He leans back in his chair as Felix leans in closer and pulls his knees to his chest. “You didn’t stay in contact.”

There it is. 

The first dagger to Felix’s heart sinks in deep, reminding him that he has no right to feel so awkward about this when it’s his own fault they stopped talking in the first place; he should feel guilty, deserves to hurt when he sees the flicker of sadness in Chris’ eyes. He lowers his gaze to where his hands hug his knees as he says, “Neither did you”. He has no right to say it. He did this to them, not Chris. 

But Chris nods anyway, laughing humorlessly. “I guess I didn’t. How’s Korea been treating you? Did you find high school okay?”

Felix looks up, a bit taken aback by how swiftly Chris moves past the topic and the fact that he… actually wants to know how Felix has been in the time they haven’t spoken. 

Felix shrugs. “Korea’s been good. I’m auditioning, y’know, to be an idol—or I’m trying to, rather. I haven’t heard back yet about whether I’ve been accepted for auditions.”

“I’m sure you will be. You always used to sing so well.” Chris’ smile is as gentle as his voice. 

The compliment is the second dagger, yet another reminder of them: all that time they spent together growing up and knowing every single thing about the other, relying on each other for everything for six years, and finally, accepting their feelings for each other. And then Felix ruined it all by moving forward—moving on—way too easily, like he didn’t need Chris at all.

“High school was good, too. I made friends with a good group of people, still in contact with them now. Jisung was the first one to come up to me, said he thought my freckles were cool,” Felix chuckles. “Actually, I think I did tell you that.” His blood runs warm as Chris chuckles, too. 

“Yeah, I remember. See, I told you that you’d find people who liked them. Guess I was right all that time, huh?” he grins. Felix giggles and hides his smile behind the sleeve of his hoodie. He feels himself balancing right on the edge between control and falling headfirst into whatever was between them back in the day—like one more quick-witted response from Chris might be enough for him to head right back down the rabbit hole of his first love. Chris speaks again with a gotcha tone of voice. “You’re hiding them again.”

Felix has always been so quick to please when it comes to Chris; anything to see the smile that makes him tingle all over. Even now, when things are not what they used to be, he possesses that same want to make him happy. So, he moves his hand away from his face. The simple action makes Chris light up with a smile, the look on his face so soft and yet so bright—exactly how he used to look at Felix when they were kids; and just like back then, Felix feels the familiar tingle in his chest. “I’m starting to accept them. It’s—not entirely but, y’know… I can’t do anything about them. They’ll always be there, so I just have to be okay with them,” he rambles, staring at his hands again.

As Felix continues talking, he doesn’t notice the way Chris’ gaze softens when he leans in to admire his freckles, and he certainly doesn’t pick up on the way Chris clutches his chest. A feeling he hasn’t had in six years settles in Chris’ bones and leaves him speechless, only able to sit and stare at the man he’d never really gotten over. 

Chris doesn’t know how it’s possible for Felix to have gotten any prettier, but he has. His hair is longer now and brown again; maybe he just didn’t feel like dyeing it anymore, or maybe it’s a current trend in Korea. Chris wants to know so badly, but the words just sit heavy on his tongue, staying unspoken. 

He mourns the loss of Felix’s baby fat, misses the way he used to squeeze his cheeks just to annoy him. Felix’s cheekbones and jawline are well defined now, and Chris’ fingers itch with an irrational need to trace them, to map out and study each new curve and line of his face until it’s burned into his brain—a new blueprint to override the existing one. 

Felix is a lot less tanned now, and Chris starts to wonder if that’s just the work of the camera or if he’s really gotten paler. Then he starts to wonder if Felix wears makeup now—foundation or concealer or whatever else there is. Hannah’s endless talks about makeup are so mind-numbingly boring, but now he kind of regrets not paying more attention. Chris wants to know how someone as naturally pretty as Felix could possibly have gotten even more ethereal, whether makeup is involved or not; if it is, it’s obviously not because he needs it. God, he’s so beautiful.  

“Oh, uh—” Felix stops abruptly. Chris looks up and takes note of how red his face is, the colour flooding down his neck and past the neckline of his hoodie. “Th-Thank you.”

“For what…?”

Oh. Shit.

Chris yelps, immediately slapping his hands over his face when he realises he fucking said that out loud. He can’t even bring himself to peek through his fingers, too mortified that he let himself get carried away. (There’s a little voice in his head that starts to scold him: You’re not just admiring him, you know. You’re still in love with him. It’s barely been five minutes and you’re already falling hard all over again. Chris mentally tells it to shut up before he manages to embarrass himself further.)

“Uhm, so…” Felix clears his throat, laughing nervously. Chris peeks just for a second, and his cheeks are still bright red. Beautiful. “I heard you got into a good university.”

When Chris looks up properly, Felix’s blush is almost gone— almost, because his neck and his ears are still an adorable shade of dark pink. It takes several seconds for Chris’ brain to catch up with the lag, and he nods dumbly until he realises he should use his words. “Yeah, I did. Went to UNSW, got a diploma in Business. Then I went back and did Data Science and Decisions. I’m in my final year now.” It’s barely an icebreaker, but something about giving Felix this information feels like spilling a deep secret—probably because Felix knows him so well and Chris is sure that Data Science and Decisions doesn’t sound like something he’d go for. But is he still the person Felix knows so well? 

Felix nods, fiddling with the wire of his earphones. “That’s great, Chris. Though, I always thought you’d go into Sports Science or something like that.”

Of course. Of course he still knows Chris like the back of his hand; of course Felix remembers how he excelled in the theory parts of gym class, knew the importance of every muscle and tendon and how to take care during vigorous sports; of course Felix knows Chris even better than he knows himself. 

“You really are beautiful,” Chris blurts out all of a sudden. He doesn’t know where it comes from, why he doesn’t hold it back, or why he doesn’t immediately try to hide this time. Instead, he sits and watches for Felix’s reaction, pride swelling in his chest when the blush reappears. “I’m… I dunno if this is right to talk about, y’know, after being as close as we were and then not talking for so long and… I don’t know. It’s hard to know what the rules are. But yeah. You’re so beautiful, Felix.” 

A shy smile is spreading on Felix’s face, so pretty that Chris just wants to reach through the screen and trace it with his finger. God, he should have foreseen this; how could he ever think he wouldn’t fall for Felix all over again?

“Hyuung!” Felix whines, resting his forehead on his knees. Chris almost tells him to look up again, so he can see Felix’s beautiful face. 

“Feeliix!” Chris mimics in the same whiny tone, giggling the whole way through. He pulls his legs up too, resting his chin on his knees as both men fall silent again; for how long, Chris doesn’t have a clue, but he’d probably be more than content just looking at Felix for hours on end—Felix who’s now tilting his head at him which makes his hair flop over his eyes. When he tries to blow it away it goes straight back to its original position. He pouts cutely before tucking it behind his ears, and Chris realises just how much longer it is now. 

His mind is two steps ahead of him, unearthing any latent desire and memory and feeling that can be even remotely linked to Felix; it leads Chris to start imagining them together again, Felix sitting in front of a mirror as Chris ties his hair back for him.

Felix's voice brings him back to reality. “What are you smiling at over there?”

Chris blinks, feeling like he’s been caught. “Oh, um, nothing! Tell me more about what you’ve been up to, yeah?”

They fall into comfortable conversation, and at some point they lose track of time because the next thing that breaks their flow is Chris’ stomach growling loud enough for them both to hear it. Felix giggles. “You eaten yet?”

Chris shakes his head. “Should probably start on dinner in a few. You?”

Felix glances up at the clock and looks back down with wide eyes. “Gosh, has it really been three hours already?”

Chris glances at his own clock and sure enough, it’s 11 pm, though it feels like it’s barely been 30 minutes. What were they even talking about for this long? And how long have they been sitting in silence? His stomach growls again as if to make a point. He gets up with a groan and carries his laptop to the kitchen. Felix is doing the same on his end, now opening a pack of instant noodles as he starts boiling a pot of water. 

“Really?” Chris chuckles, raising an eyebrow at his choice of food.

Felix looks mildly offended, pouting adorably at the packet in his hands. “Hey, it’s quick. Easy. Don’t judge me,” he huffs. “What are you conjuring up at 11 at night then, Master Chef?” 

It’s easy for them to fall back into their energy, the bickering and teasing coming so incredibly naturally that for a little while, both Chris and Felix forget there was ever a gap between them. They stay up until an ungodly hour, but neither find themselves even the slightest bit tired. 

For the first time in six years, Felix goes to sleep with a dopey smile on his face—his mind and body both yearning for Chris, seemingly chanting his name. Christopher Bahng. Christopher. Chris. 

My Chris. 

***

“Fuck, this move is ridiculously difficult,” Felix huffs, adjusting his wireless earphones. “Why is this even a requirement for an audition?” He lets himself collapse to the floor in front of the laptop and grimaces as he takes note of himself in the mirror. Pulling his cap off, he quickly rakes his fingers through his sweat-matted hair. “I’m so sweaty and disgusting, too.” 

“You look beautiful, Lix,” Chris comments immediately. Felix glances down to where Chris is watching intently, chin propped on his hand. (His pen is stuck in the middle, but whatever project he’s meant to be finishing up is long-forgotten by now.)

“Y’know, if you just throw out compliments whenever, they’ll eventually start to lose meaning.” Felix may be rolling his eyes, but secretly his heart is thundering ag ainst his rib cage; maybe it’s the exertion from dancing just a few minutes ago, but more likely it’s the giddiness he feels whenever Chris compliments him unprovoked—and Chris does that a lot. 

“Not happening,” Chris says now. “Never. I’ll tell you how beautiful you are until the day I die. And then I’ll find some way to send you a divine message, saying the exact same thing, “ he replies, very matter-of-factly. “I’ll mean it every time, too.”

Chris’ response is so quick that Felix wonders if he prepared it in advance. Realising once again how well Chris knows him, he suddenly feels shy. “Sap. Have you finished your project yet?” Truth be told, Felix wasn’t pay any attention when Chris told him about it; he’d been too mesmerised by his facial features, how black is such a good shade on him, and at some point he’d caught a glimpse of a perfume bottle in the background which made him wonder what Chris smells like now—whether Felix would smell like Chris, too, if he were to put on one of his big hoodies. 

Chris glances down and his expression turns sour for a moment, but it softens as soon as he makes eye contact with Felix again. “Almost. Got distracted watching a pretty boy dance,” Chris grins. Felix rolls his eyes and groans playfully, downing half a bottle of water before he stands back up. 

“I’ll hang up if you keep that up, Bahng,” he says, pointing an accusatory finger towards the laptop. Chris just waves a dismissive hand and leans back in his chair—no longer trying to hide the fact that he’s just watching Felix instead of working. 

“Ok, try again. I’ll guide you if you need it,” he prompts, holding his phone up. Felix had sent him a video of what the specific move is supposed to look like; what he hadn’t expected was for Chris to study it so meticulously just so he could help out. Felix doesn’t tell Chris how endearing he finds this, but he can’t hide the blush on his cheeks whenever he thinks about it. If Chris notices, he doesn’t say anything.

Felix gets into position once again, adjusting his earphones so they don’t fall out. He closes his eyes and starts to picture Chris in front of him, leading him through the move, his hands on Felix to guide him if needed. He can practically feel the hands on his waist, Chris’ warm breath against his ear and his chest close enough for Felix to lean back and press himself against it. Chris’ voice, so soft and encouraging yet igniting a fire within Felix that licks up his spine and leaves him craving more. 

Felix does the move without a second thought, and startles when Chris’ raucous cheers come through his earphones. “That was great, Lix! What the fuck, you nailed it perfectly!” Chris is bouncing in his seat, his phone flying out of his hand in the process.

Felix winces when he hears a suspicious thunk. “Was that your phone hitting the wall?” he snorts. Still vibrating with adrenaline, he flops onto the floor and stretches his limbs out. He turns his head towards the laptop, giggling Chris runs over to retrieve the victim and check if it’s broken. It’s not often that Chris is clumsy—if anything, it’s always been Felix who’s the clumsy one—but when he is, the younger man can’t help but find it very endearing. 

“It’s fine, it didn’t break!” Chris grins, waving his phone in front of the camera to confirm the fact.

Felix scoots closer and sort-of-listens as Chris rambles on about his project, the older man’s voice blanketing him in a warmth he wishes he could bottle up and keep forever. Felix turns himself around to rest against the mirror, tugging his hoodie off to feel the cool glass against his back. Something about it catches Chris’ attention enough for him to stop talking and just stare.

Felix giggles at his flustered expression. “What?” he asks, but Chris just blinks, still staring. “Chris?”

“Sorry! Sorry, I—don’t worry.” He shakes his head, pulling at the lobes of his reddening ears. “Hey, what’s your favourite flavour of soju?”

It’s a poor attempt to change the subject, but points for effort.

“Grape. Stop avoiding the question.” Felix watches Chris lean back in his chair and hide his whole head inside his hoodie. He says something a moment later, but it’s too muffled to make out. “Hm?” Felix lilts. “I didn’t catch that.”

Chris lets his eyes peek out. “I said I’ll sound like a pervert,” he mumbles.

Felix wants to tell him that there’s nothing he could say that would make Felix think that, but he keeps that to himself. Instead he leans closer to the camera, smirking and cocking his head a little to the side. “What? You see something you like?”

Chris nods, mortified but letting a little more of his face peek out. Felix misses tracing his finger down Chris’ perfect nose. 

“Guess I’ll just hang up if you don’t feel like talking,” Felix teases in a singsong voice, exaggerating the movement of his hand as he lets it hover over the End Call button. 

“No! No, I’m… ugh, you can’t laugh. And I have to say sorry in advance because I really didn’t mean to look! But you’re right there and I couldn’t help it. And—”

“Chris, just say it already!” Felix giggles. 

“Your stomach!” Chris finally blurts. As soon as the words leave his mouth, his eyes widen and he lets out a panicked yell, diving out of his chair and onto his bed face first.

Felix freezes, unsure of what to say next. If he’s honest, he kind of feels like letting out a yell of his own; knowing that Chris saw something he liked is very different from knowing Chris got worked up over a single glimpse of his abs. In the end, he doesn’t yell, but he does hold the hoodie to his face and makes a weird strangled noise that must sound questionable to anyone passing by. “My stomach?”

“Y-Yeah.” The voice emanating from the laptop sounds less muffled now. When Felix lowers his fabric shield he sees that Chris has turned his head to the side, facing away from him. “Your shirt got pulled up with your hoodie and…” He pauses for a moment, gathering courage. “It’s… Your stomach, it’s pretty. So pretty,” he groans. “You’re so pretty, Lix.”

Felix chuckles in a way he hopes comes off as nonchalant but is pretty sure just sounds nervous. “So you keep saying. Just remember what I said about words losing meaning.” 

Silence falls between them, only filled by the ticking clock above Felix’s head and eventually by the squeaks of Chris’ chair as he takes his seat again. Felix can tell he’s about to speak, so he hurries to say something first. “I’ll, uh, see you later, okay? I really need to pack up and head home. It was nice talking to you.” 

Felix hangs up without waiting for a reply, and once the call disconnects he finally stops hiding his stupidly wide grin behind his hoodie, his heart doing a mile a minute. He slides the laptop off his lap and stretches out onto the floor in a starfish position. Chris’ words replay over and over in his head. 

You’re beautiful… Got distracted watching a pretty boy… Pretty stomach…  

Felix’s hands are still trembling as he gathers up his things. If his mind wasn’t so preoccupied, he might have noticed the red (1) in the email tab of his laptop before closing it; he might have opened said tab and seen the subject heading ‘Lee Yongbok – Application Accepted’. Instead, the email stays unnoticed.

Just as he’s about to leave, Felix hesitates at the door and puts his things back down. He goes to pose by the mirror wall and snaps a few photos. (If he happens to snap one or two where his stomach is visible, that’s his business. And… maybe Chris’.) Felix is giddy the entire walk home as he watches the messages flood in—the typos in every single one making his stomach do weird flips as he tries to picture Chris freaking out. He smirks as he types, What did I say about compliments, Hyung?  

Felix sends Chris a message at 3 a.m. when he finally notices the email. His hands shake violently as he types out Chris’ name. Just for a second, he contemplates calling him, but decides against it. 

He doesn’t expect Chris’ immediate reply, asking if it’s too late to call. Felix barely has time to say no before Chris is calling him, and he giggles as the call connects. “Hi,” he whispers, grinning as he hugs his wolf plushie to his chest. He gets comfortable in bed and puts his phone on speaker, leaving it next to his head. 

“Hi there. You got it, yeah?”

Felix can hear the way Chris is smiling and can picture it so clearly.

“I got it!” Felix squeals.

“Next thing I know you’re gonna have a tour date right here in Sydney, and I’ll be there, front row and all. Might bring along the most embarrassing sign I can think of.”

Felix is already picturing it—how he’d immediately find Chris’ face in a crowd of more than 1000 people; the very idea makes him that much more determined to make the most of this opportunity he’s being given. “God, I still can’t believe it. I feel like I might be hallucinating,” he says, turning onto his back. “Oh, but now I really have to get that move right,” he adds with a groan. Chris chuckles softly and Felix can hear rustling on his end. “Are you in bed?”

Chris hums in affirmation. “Mmm. Couldn’t sleep. I’m glad you messaged now. And I told you already, you nailed that move; it’ll come so naturally to you now.”

“Do you… usually stay up this late?” Felix asks slowly. Chris doesn’t answer right away. “Chris?”

“I find it difficult to fall asleep,” he says after a while, yawning on the last word. “Struggled with it for years. My doctor gave me pills for it but they make me feel like shit so I don’t take them.”

Felix pouts. “That sucks, I’m sorry.”

Chris yawns again and makes an indecipherable noise. “It’s whatever, I’m used to it.”

Felix giggles. “You sound sleepy now, though.” A big part of him wishes he could slip into bed next to Chris and run his fingers through his curls until he falls asleep. 

“Mm. Dunno. I think it’s your voice, s’making me feel good. Calm,” Chris murmurs, slurring his words a little. 

“I can hang up so you can sl—”

“No. No, carry on talking. It helps. Read me the email.”

Felix doesn’t know why he’s hiding his smile—it’s not like Chris can see him—but he does it anyway. He opens the email again and skims through the text, then starts to read aloud. He’s slow and meticulous, mostly for his own sake since he’s still trying to process everything. He even reads the company policy at the bottom of the email just to make Chris laugh, but when there’s no sound from the other end, Felix clicks back to the call to see if Chris hung up. He hasn’t. 

“Chris,” he whispers. “Chris, you there?”

Still no response. He must have fallen asleep. Felix’s voice made him fall asleep, in spite of his insomnia. Felix can’t put a finger on the feeling this realisation gives him, but he knows it’s a good one.

Felix doesn’t hang up. Instead he lies there listening to Chris’ steady breathing (and his occasional little grunts), wishing so hard that he could hear it every night, be next to Chris every night. “I miss you,” Felix whispers into the phone, voice trembling. “So fucking much, you have no idea.”

He pulls his laptop out of his bag and settles back in bed, fingers flying over the keyboard. He isn’t really thinking as he pulls up the first travel website to find out how much a ticket to Sydney costs, and soon he’s checking how long he can get a temporary lease on an apartment there, close to Chris’ house. Does he still live at his parents’ house? Felix should ask him where he lives now. He starts to wonder if the company he’s auditioning for would allow him to train from Australia. 

Felix freezes, the listings for one bedroom apartments staring back at him like a slap in the face. He just received an email to audition for the best entertainment company in South Korea, yet his only desire right now is to be close to Chris. He has the chance to chase his dream, right in the palm of his hand, and he’s already trying to find a way to compromise and balance his two worlds. Stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. 

“Fuck.” Felix slams his laptop shut. Tears sting his eyes and he wipes them away a little too vigorously. A mixture of guilt and regret takes over his mind, reminding him that he already allowed all of this to pull him away from Chris once: Korea, his need to seek out something more from the world around him, his eagerness to follow his dreams. And now, it’s all threatening to tear him away from his best friend a second time, to make him the one at fault yet again. 

They just found each other again. They’ve fallen back into their rhythm as if no time was spent apart. Felix is overcome with anguish as reality sinks in more and more; the only thing he’s ever wanted as badly as he wants Chris is the very thing that could drive a wedge between them. And once that damage is done—again—he isn’t sure either of them will have the strength to repair it. 

Felix puts his laptop back in his bag and curls up under the blankets, holding his phone like it’s a life line. Chris is still sleeping soundly by the sounds of it, and his peaceful breathing is so comforting that Felix’s own eyelids begin to grow heavy. “Night, Chris,” he mumbles. “Love you.” Whether it’s his sleep-deprived brain that provides the auditory hallucination of Chris muttering love you, Lix or whether it’s real, Felix doesn’t know. He falls into the comfortable embrace of sleep, wishing so deeply that it were Chris’ arms instead. 

One day. Maybe. 

***

Chris is on the screen right in front of him, yet all Felix can think about is Sydney: flights to Sydney, the leases he looked at online last week, and the fact that his search for ways to train from Australia turned out wholly unsuccessful.

Felix had closed every one of those tabs the second he realised what he was doing—how precariously close he was to committing to it and taking several steps backwards. 

“What are you thinking about?” 

Chris’ question shakes him out of his thoughts and he blinks slowly, trying to remember what it is they’re talking about. “Sorry, nothing. I guess I didn’t sleep great last night,” he lies, tacking on a strained smile. 

Chris hums—unconvinced—and leans in closer. “You sure? Maybe I should fly you over here so you can’t avoid me,” Chris teases. “Make sure you sleep, too.” 

He’s being sweet, but it only makes Felix’s heart twist in his chest, raw and ugly. “I’m sleeping fine, Chris,” he says with a chuckle that sounds way too forced. Of course, Chris picks up on it. Of course he would notice. 

“Seriously, is everything okay? I wish I could be there with you and sus you out like I always did,” he grins. Every innocent comment about them being together again only sheathes the dagger further into Felix’s heart. 

“Don’t—don’t say that. Please,” Felix whispers. He pulls his feet up onto the chair and drops his head against his knees, pinches the bridge of his nose to stop himself from crying. He can feel the dams inside him straining, struggling to keep everything in. 

“… don’t say what?”

“About you, coming over or—or me flying to Australia. Whatever this is… we’ve had a good thing going, Chris. And it’s…” Felix’s gasps and lets out a sob, lifting his head. Chris looks confused, and for once, Felix can’t tell what he’s thinking. “It’s like these six years apart haven’t mattered at all.”

Chris nods. “Right. Because they don’t matter.” 

The dams are breaking now, and Felix gasps with every wave of shame and anger and fear that rips through him. “But they do.” He clutches at his shirt, forcing himself through it, struggling to find the right words. “It’s like there’s this, this s-storm cloud looming over us, just waiting for things to go wrong again so it can rain down on us and w-wash all this away. Fucking sweep us away in separate directions.”

“Felix—”

“I can’t believe we found each other again, after six years. Chris, when I moved away I never thought I’d fucking see you again, and I—I tried to move on. I really tried. I mean, how cruel does fate have to be for me to still be fucking pining after you? I just found out I might get to be an idol at one of the best companies in Korea, but instead of focusing on that, I’m sitting here looking at flights to Sydney—at one bedroom apartment leases and ways to be a trainee from Australia. I should be moving forward and I’m—I just… I feel like I’m just taking several steps back in the same direction I came. I can’t move backwards,” Felix cries, tears cascading down his cheeks now. “You make me want to move backwards, Chris. Back to you.”

Chris is silent, more silent than he’s ever been around Felix. His mouth opens as if he’s about to speak, only to close again. 

“So…what are you saying?” He says finally; his voice cracks in the middle, and he grimaces. Felix feels his heart crack too, right down the middle.

“I can’t move backwards, Chris—”

“What are you saying, Felix?” His tone is firm even though his voice is shaky. His eyes are wet, cheeks flushed. Felix despises himself for being the reason he looks so… broken. 

“I… I don’t know. I think I need some time. Time a-away from…” you. He can’t bring himself to say it out loud. 

Chris nods, pushing himself away from his laptop, wiping at his eyes. Felix feels his world crumble around him. Nothing he can say now will make any of this better. This isn’t something that can be repaired with words. 

“Chris, I’m so—”

“Don’t,” Chris snaps. “Just… please don’t. I care about you too much to argue about this. I lo—I need you to focus on yourself. Take care, Lix, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Felix sobs. He feels so numb everywhere. “You too, Chris.”

Chris hangs up a second later, leaving him in silence and with a heart broken into a thousand pieces. 

Felix can’t believe he’s done it again. He’s ruined what they have again—a perfectly good thing—and he’s hurt Chris yet again. All because he doesn’t know how to balance Chris with anything else in his life. Everything becomes about Chris so easily, and that was always the case—maybe it always will be. 

Felix shuts his laptop off and climbs into bed, hugging his wolf plushie to his chest. He doesn’t know when sleep comes to him, or if he gets much sleep at all—his mind filled with the image of Chris’ hurt expression behind thinly veiled indifference.

Selfishly, Felix yearns to see him smile again, just one last time. He knows he’s lost that privilege now, and it’s his own damn fault, but that doesn’t stop the tears from soaking his pillow; the fabric rubs harshly against his cheek, which isn’t much of a punishment for something as horrible as what he’s just done. Aching, he whispers into the dark.

“I love you.”

***

2 years later

Korea is…daunting, to say the least. Chris has never felt so at home, surrounded by his mother tongue and the culture his parents did their best to bring with them to Australia—but it is a lot to take in. He adjusts the backpack strap on his shoulder and weaves his way through the crowds of Hongdae in search of Minho’s restaurant. 

“What did you say it was close to?” His Korean is kind of rusty—not bad, but he hasn’t had the need to speak it in years, not until he met Minho last year. 

“Hyung, I’ll honestly just close early if you ask me that again,” Minho huffs, though Chris knows he doesn’t mean it. “I told you, between the noraebang and the convenience store. It has my name on the front!”

“Noraebang…” Chris rolls the word over his tongue, nodding to himself. “Okay, okay, I’ll be there soon. Don’t close on me, Minho-yah.”

“I would never,” Minho says before hanging up. He may look unapproachable to most—had certainly seemed that way to Chris when they first met—but there’s a caring softness beneath the cold veneer that Chris had easily chipped his way through in a matter of weeks. According to Minho’s boyfriend Jisung, he’s the second person to ever do so in under a month (the other being Jisung, of course). 

Chris’ stomach rumbles at the thought of getting to experience Minho’s cooking again; a plethora of flavours and textures that induce a food coma every time he’s privileged enough to enjoy one of his meals. He pats his backpack, smiling to himself as he starts to picture Minho’s expression when he sees the personalised knives Chris had made just for him, the younger man’s stoic indifference inevitably breaking into a smile. 

The restaurant is dimly lit—from what Chris can see from the outside. The only sources of light are a scarce number of lamps; one outside and a few inside. It looks so cosy, the prospect of quiet comfort amongst the noise of Seoul so appealing to Chris that he has to slap a hand over his mouth lest he make a noise and break it. 

“Chan-hyung!” A shrill voice breaks the quiet anyway, catching the attention of one or two patrons still in the restaurant before they go back to their meals and soft chatter. (Chris wonders if it’s a Seoul thing, people still sitting in restaurants past 10pm.) Jisung comes running through the kitchen doors, straight toward him, and it barely gives Chris enough time to drop his bags before he’s pulled into a crushing hug. “You’re here!”

“I’m here, Jisungie,” Chris laughs, arms wrapping around his waist. Jisung gives incredible hugs; it’s no wonder Minho always has at least one arm around him. “Your English has gotten better, huh?”

“I have a great teacher,” Jisung says slowly, grinning when he finishes his sentence perfectly. “Well, I’ve had two teachers, but that’s not important. Sit, sit—Jagiya!”

“I’m coming, Jagi.” Minho is rolling his eyes as he makes his way over, and gently pulls Jisung back to hug Chris himself, much less tightly. “How was your flight, was it okay?”

Chris nods with a hum of affirmation and lets Jisung drag him into a corner booth. “I’m not even tired. I think the minor time difference helps.”

Jisung slips into the booth beside him. Unable to contain his excitement, he’s still smiling widely and can’t stop changing how he sits. He has so much energy, such a strong sunshine aura. For a second, Chris is reminded of Felix, and he feels a familiar pang in his chest. Not now, he tells himself.

“Well, you’re not allowed to leave even when you get tired!” Jisung announces, chest puffed up. “Who knows when Hyung and I will see you again?”

“Don’t pressure him, Sung,” Minho tells him, smiling gently and rubbing the top of his ear. 

Jisung smiles sheepishly. “Sorry, Chan-hyung. Oh, is it okay that I invited a friend of mine to eat with us? I can tell him no if it’s a—”

“No, no! It’s alright,” Chris nods. “Please, invite your friend. I should get to know people that aren’t just you and Minho while I’m here, right?”

“And he’s Australian, just like you! Maybe you guys will have something in common,” Jisung grins, slipping out of the booth to check in with said friend. Minho pats Chris on the back and heads to the kitchen to finish up.

Left on his own for a moment, Chris has time to wonder, to indulge his mind just a little; what if..? No. There’s no way it could be him. Felix definitely isn’t the only Australian in Korea. The chances of it being him are one in a million. He’s shaking his head and forcing himself to focus on now when Jisung plops back down opposite him. “My friend’s on his way!” he smiles, soon occupying himself with drawing on a napkin. Chris watches him fondly, smiling at the way his cheeks puff out when he concentrates.

“So, how’s university? Tell me about your studies,” Chris prompts, making sure he isn’t speaking too quickly. 

Jisung animatedly tells him about uni life, and Chris can’t help but smile when he catches little hints of an Australian accent coming through; whoever his other Australian is, he definitely has a much stronger accent than Chris does. 

When Jisung’s phone buzzes, he leaps out of his seat, waving erratically in Minho’s direction before running out of the restaurant. 

“Bokkie is an angel,” Minho grins, clapping a hand on Chris’ shoulder. “You’re going to love him, Chan-hyung.” Chris nods, about to tell Minho that this mystery man sounds like a great friend when the door to the restaurant swings open, and Chris’ heart subsequently drops to his stomach.

Felix doesn’t immediately notice him where he’s sitting, his eyes too crinkled up from the beaming smile he's giving Jisung. Of course it’s Felix. 

Chris can’t help the bitter laugh that escapes him, his curiosity now replaced with an amalgamation of confusion and disbelief. He would normally wish for the earth to swallow him whole, but it’d probably just spit him back out right at Felix’s feet like it’s done once already. He considers making a getaway via the bathroom, but ultimately decides against it; whichever way he tries to escape will fall right in Felix’s line of vision, and he probably wouldn’t fit through the window, either—

“Chris…”

Felix pauses, halfway between the door and where he’s sitting, eyes wide. Jisung’s gaze bounces between the two of them, and Chris watches out of the corner of his eye as he exchanges a glance with Minho. 

“Felix,” Chris manages, as calm and emotionless as possible. He can’t make the same mistake he did two years ago, can’t let himself get hurt, can’t let Felix in again.

Jisung thought my freckles were cool. 

Chris is a fucking idiot. The biggest idiot in the history of idiots, stuck in the limbo between loving and letting go. He should have let go years ago instead of even considering the idea of them reconnecting.

He watches silently as Felix slides into the seat opposite him, and the eye contact they hold is impenetrable. The younger man looks away a second later when Jisung slides in next to him.

“You guys know each other?” Minho asks, puzzled. His hard stare remains on Felix as he places a hand on Chris’ shoulder. “Hyung, are you alright?”

Chris nods, unable to swallow the lump that’s formed in his throat. His mind threatens to go into overdrive, past and present feelings of resentment rising to the surface. The logical part of his brain knows he shouldn’t blame Felix for what happened—that the cards were already laid out in front of them, their fate clear as day; he knows that neither of them could have done anything differently. Unfortunately, that doesn’t alleviate the pain, or take away the spite. 

“I’m fine. Hungry, maybe?” He turns to Minho and puts on the cutest and most hopeful expression he can manage. It’s always hilarious to him, watching Minho’s tough exterior fall away so easily, and this time is no different. He sighs, kissing Jisung’s head before heading back into the kitchen. 

“Ugh, they’re so cute,” Felix giggles, poking Jisung’s cheek that’s currently stuffed with bread. 

Chris smiles and nods, still watching Felix. “Adorable,” he adds quietly. Felix’s gaze flicks to him now, softening when they make eye contact. There are a million things Chris wants to say, but he doesn’t know how. He’s afraid to break the silence, to just make things worse—It’s not like they could come back from it if he did... Not after everything. 

“How do you know Chan-hyung?” Jisung pokes Felix in the side, eyes narrowing. “And why did he look like he saw a ghost when he saw you?”

“We were friends. Child…friends?” Chris tries. 

“Childhood friends, yeah,” Felix corrects, nodding. “You go by Chan now?”

“Why, did you try to find me under Chris?” he laughs, remembering how long it took him to find Felix as Yongbok. Felix flinches, his smile completely fading, but Chris forces himself to ignore it. “Uh, no, it’s just my Korean name. I don’t really get called it much, though. Only Minho, Jisung and my grandfather call me Chan.”

“Hyung, come and help me with these plates!” Minho yells from the kitchen, quickly bowing in apology when he startles the lingering patrons. Chris slides out of his seat and ruffles Jisung’s hair on the way, flashing a tight-lipped smile at Felix before he turns away. 

“You’re sure that you’re okay?” Minho asks, watching Chris carefully as he hands him a couple of dishes. “I can tell him to leave if you’re uncomfortable or upset by him being here. He may be one of Jisungie’s oldest friends but that doesn’t mean I won’t kick him out if I need to.” 

Chris not-so-subtly avoids his gaze; he hates being pitied, especially when it concerns Felix. “Really, I’m okay. It’s… it’s complicated between us,” Chris sighs. “Things didn’t end so well a couple of years back—not that we were ever a couple or anything.” He laughs at that, dropping his head. 

“And here I was, thinking me and Jisungie had front row seats to one of his exes-to-lovers manhwas,” Minho says with the hint of a smile, enough to make Chris feel ever so slightly better. 

“No, I never had the chance to ask him. Like, sure, we both knew we had feelings for each other, but we found that out just before he had to move to Australia. And when we got back in touch six years later… with the distance and other obligations, it wouldn’t have worked. It still wouldn’t.”

“You still care about him, though,” Minho adds, sounding puzzled. 

“Yeah, of course I do. He was my everything at one point.” Chris doesn’t know whether it would be right to mention that a part of him still holds Felix to that regard. 

“What are you going to do? Now, I mean. You gonna leave?”

Chris shrugs. He’s tired of walking away, tired of trying to fight for something that will only fall apart in the end. Too much has happened for him to try and repair the rift between them with the little energy he has left. “I’ll just see what happens, I guess. If we end up not speaking again after this, so be it. Whether the universe wants us to be together or not, I’ll just have to let it happen. No use forcing it.”

Minho doesn’t seem entirely satisfied with his answer but nods nonetheless, squeezing Chris’ shoulder once more before picking up the remaining plates. 

“Hyung! Bring some soju too, please!” Jisung calls in a cutesy voice that makes Minho giggle softly. It’s a rare sound to Chris’ ears, one he really only gets to hear when Jisung is around. The two of them are so tooth-rottingly sweet, yet Chris feels the sour aftertaste of jealousy in his mouth. 

“Which soju does Felix like?” 

“Grape,” Chris answers without thinking, and he’s thrown back to the time he asked Felix the same question in an attempt to change the subject and save himself from embarrassment. A smile tugs at the corners of his lips. Fuck, he misses those days. 

***

“G’night, hyunggg,” Jisung slurs, giggling when he stumbles right into Minho’s arms. “Oh! Hi, pretty Minho-ssi. My Jagi is so pretty~”

“Come on, let’s get you home. Hyung, Yongbokkie, you two will be alright?”

Felix nods, still holding onto his last grape soju of the night. “We’ll be fine. Get Jisungie home, Hyung. And tell him to call me in the morning, yeah?”

Minho nods, squeezing back when Chris takes his hand for a brief second. “Channie-hyung, call me tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah. Goodnight, Minho-yah.”

Chris and Felix silently watch the couple head in the direction of Minho’s car. Chris’ mind is still somewhat hazy from the alcohol in his system, so it’s likely due to his lowered inhibitions that he turns to Felix and asks, “Wanna go sit somewhere for a bit? Sober up or something?”

Felix blinks at him, seemingly contemplating it before he nods. “There’s a small park nearby.”

“Lead the way,” Chris says with a wave of his arm, eyes dropping to Felix’s free hand as he starts walking. This is the closest they’ve been in eight years, and his need to lace their fingers together has never been so great—even if he is still angry about everything that’s gone wrong between them. “Did you manage to debut yet?”

Felix stops abruptly, stumbling as Chris walks into him before the older man steadies them both. “No. I was a trainee for six months or so and then…yeah. Evaluation didn’t go so great, and I got cut. No biggie.” He laughs at the end, but it’s a sad sound that makes Chris’ heart sink. 

“I’m sorry, Lix—Felix. Truly, I am,” Chris murmurs, and Felix turns to him. 

“I know. Thank you, Chris. But really, it’s fine. It’s something of the past now and I’m over it,” Felix shrugs. 

Are you over this? Me?

The scornful thoughts get loud again, asking the questions that Chris can’t and won't acknowledge; they make their home in the very centre of his brain, nagging at him and begging him to speak up. 3 a.m. is a dangerous time to be thinking about everything they used to have, and he’s barely able to fight down the words that would probably just make things complicated again. “So, what do you do now?” he tries instead, attempting to lighten the mood.

Felix makes a little noise, pulling his phone out of his pocket. He gently pushes Chris to the left, directing him toward the park. Chris mourns the loss of his touch as soon as it’s gone, his skin tingling in the wake of Felix’s fingers. It’s been so fucking long that he almost forgot what it’s like, how light a simple touch from Felix can make him feel. 

You’re doing it again. You’re falling again. Stop, you have to stop.

“I…uh, I don’t know… it’s kind of embarrassing,” Felix mumbles, and even in the incredibly low light cast by the few street lamps, Chris can see the tips of his ears turn red. “Don’t laugh at me, okay?”

Chris smiles. “Never.”

Felix turns to him, half of his face cast in darkness, and returns the smile. Chris notices that his freckles are nowhere to be seen, and his heart breaks when he notes the concealer that’s cracking under Felix’s eyes. You promised you wouldn’t cover them up again. Chris pinches himself on the back of the hand until he winces; he doesn’t get a say in what Felix should or shouldn’t do anymore.

“I’m… I write songs. My own songs. And I sing and record them, upload them to Soundcloud. It’s just a silly little thing I do on the side, but y’know, it’s nice to make a little bit of money doing what I love, even if I need a day job to actually pay the bills. Being a waiter kind of sucks ass.”

Chris nods in agreement, remembering his first summer job and how much being a waiter really does suck ass. “Can I have a listen?” he asks, tentative but hopeful.

Felix’s eyes widen as if surprised that someone would be interested. “You… you really want to?”

“Of course I do. Are you kidding me? Your singing is incredible, Lix. Remember the talent show they held in school that one year?”

Felix giggles as he remembers, plopping himself down on a bench under one of the street lamps. “Yeah, and then they never did it again,” he whines. “Still can’t believe I won first place.”

“I can,” Chris shrugs, sitting down beside him and letting their shoulders bump together. “I never told you, but, the song you sang? It fucking floored me.”

Felix flushes, his head dropping. “Stop it,” he whines softly, but he’s biting back a smile. 

“I’m serious!” Chris laughs, taking the earphone Felix hands him. “What’s this one called?”

“Deep End,” Felix mumbles. He’s no longer smiling, and it catches Chris off guard when he notices the younger man watching him carefully whilst he puts the earphone in. 

The song starts playing, and immediately it’s like a punch to the gut. Chris goes silent, tearing his gaze away from Felix as he takes in the lyrics. 

“Lix—” 

“Just—just listen first. Please,” he begs quietly. 

Chris nods, a dull pressure building behind his eyes. He pinches the bridge of his nose to stop himself from crying, and hears Felix inhale sharply beside him.

This is a mistake. You’re making a stupid mistake. This is only going to hurt you again. 

Chris can’t even enjoy the way Felix’s low register—lower than it usually is—washes over him, too overwhelmed with remorse, anger directed at himself for not doing more to save this, to keep them from drifting apart again. He should have done more. 

He feels like throwing up, and he’s not sure whether it’s the alcohol or the intensity of his own emotions that makes him want to pull Felix into a hug and never let go, to spend the rest of time apologising.

Chris’ rapidly spiralling thoughts are enough to sober him up completely. Breathing in deeply, he feels the first tear fall. Beside him, Felix sniffles, his own breathing ragged.

The high note halfway through the song is what hammers in the final nail, and Chris rips the earphone out with a pained gasp. “Felix. Lix, Lix… c-can I hug you? I want to hug you, please. Can I?”

Felix nods silently, sinking into Chris’ chest as a heavy sob rips through him. “Chris. Oh, G-God.”

Chris shushes him, his hold tightening around the person he hasn’t stopped loving for a single day since they first met. His heart aches so intensely in his chest that he’s almost afraid it’ll burst. He tries to loosen the hug a little, only for Felix to pull him back in, even closer. Every suppressed feeling of desperate longing and despair resurfaces and threatens to suffocate him; he sobs into Felix’s hair, open-mouthed and far too loud for the late, uncertain hour of the night. Felix doesn’t flinch as tears fall on his scalp, his own soaking through the fabric of Chris’ shirt.

“You d-don’t know how—fuck—how much I missed you. Chris, it…it broke me. Having to leave you a-again and be the reason you—you hate me, resent me.”

“I don’t resent you,” Chris cries. Trying to calm himself down has never been a harder task than it is right now. Letting go of Felix is fucking impossible. “Lix, how—how could I ever resent you?” 

Felix fists at his shirt, and frankly, Chris couldn’t care less if it gets messed up as long as it means they get to stay like this. “All those…those little comments you made i-in the restaurant. Did you try to find me under Chris? Why wouldn’t you hate me for leaving? I-I ruined it all again. Me, I did that. I ru…ruined us.”

“You didn’t, Lix. You didn’t. Of course I was angry. So, so angry, and hurt and upset,” Chris confesses, and now that he’s started, he doesn’t want to stop. “When I lost you again I… I blamed myself at first, wondering why I wasn’t good enough to fight for. And yeah, then I got angry, mostly at you for not fighting harder. After a while, though… I realised that not all of my anger was directed at you; I was furious at how little power I had to change anything, that I couldn’t do more to make things go differently this time. Eventually I realised that you didn’t have that power any more than I did. And besides, Lix, I—baby, it’s you. I’ve loved you since we were kids. My whole world has always revolved around you, every bit of it, I… how could I ever hate you?”

“I’d hate me if I was in your position,” Felix mumbles. 

Chris presses his lips to the top of his head, his hand coming up to the back of Felix’s neck. He cries harder when he breathes in the scent of his shampoo, light and sweet and so very him. 

“Chris, you should hate me.”

“But I don’t hate you. I don’t, and I never have.”

“Why not?!” Felix yells, pushing himself back with both hands on Chris’ chest. His own chest heaves as they both fall silent.

“It’s you,” Chris says slowly, several beats later. “This is us, you know? I can’t hate you. That’s not who I am. That’s not who we are.”

“It is now,” Felix pouts. 

“Not if I can help it,” Chris replies with a newfound confidence. He won’t let this go wrong again. “Not anymore.”

Felix sniffles, his nose red and runny. “…Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Chris smiles softly, pulling out a tissue to help wipe his tears, then his nose. “If you’re up for it.”

Felix nods, hooking his pinky to the one Chris holds up. “I’m up for it.”

Chris wants to say something. He feels like this is one of those moments where he should, but the silence that falls between them is tinged with a newfound sense of hope, and right now that’s enough. 

A text message on Felix’s phone breaks the quiet bubble around them. Felix doesn’t get a chance to turn the screen away before Chris notices the name and message. 

Tae-sung 💕: Hi, baby. You still coming over tonight?

Chris doesn’t know why he expected Felix to be single just because they shared a vulnerable moment. There was no reason for him to wait around, after all; they both believed that the last time they spoke was it—that they’d never get to rekindle that fire again. Knowing this doesn’t take away the fact that it hurts like a bitch seeing someone else call Felix baby. Someone who isn’t Chris. 

“Oh,” Chris mutters, before he can even help himself. Felix looks up, looking guilty even though he has no need to. He’s not at fault for having moved on, even if Chris never did. 

“I tried, Chris,” he whispers, slowly turning his phone over. He sits there for a moment, eerily quiet, a stark contrast to the bright and bubbly person he normally is. “I really tried, I did. But there’s only so long a person can hold onto something before it starts hurting too much. Tae-sung is good to me, really good.” Felix wipes at his wet lashes. “He’s not you,” he adds with a bitter laugh, “but he’s good to me.”

“No, no, I’m—I’m happy for you, Lix.” Chris smiles past the bitterness he feels as he recalls calling Felix baby just moments ago. “That’s good, I’m glad you found someone like that. Truly. How… How long have you been together?”

“About a year and a half…” 

It took you six months, Chris thinks, almost laughing at the absurdity of his own stubborn infatuation. “That’s good. So you guys are committed, yeah?”

Felix hums. “Yeah. Chris, I’m sorry.”

Chris shrugs. Felix has no reason to be sorry. It’s not like he cheated or anything. “You shouldn’t be. You found someone who loves you, who can be here for you. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you, Lix. Your happiness matters the most to me, above everything else.”

Felix nods, folding his hands in his lap. “He…he knows about you. I’ve talked about us, so—so he knows. Said you sound like a good guy, and I told him that he was right.” 

Chris doesn’t feel like a good guy right now, seeking out and yearning for someone without even considering they might belong to another. He feels dirty. He looks down at his phone, his guilt only growing when he realises it’s 4am. 

“You should reply to him. He’s waiting for you,” he prompts.

“Yeah. I should. Uhm… but you’ll stay in touch? I don’t want us to stop speaking again,” Felix says earnestly. “I missed this. I’ve missed hugging you.” 

The words are light, but they cut like thorns. Chris nods anyway. “Yeah. Of course we will.”

Felix smiles, wide and bright. “Okay! Okay, I have to go but… I’ll text you, okay?”

Chris nods. “Yeah, text me.” He lets Felix hug him, firm and tight, resting his head on the younger man’s shoulder for a moment before they pull apart. 

Felix starts walking off, putting several metres between them before he turns back and gives Chris a small wave. “Bye, Chris.”

“Bye, Lixie,” Chris whispers, wincing when his voice cracks at the end. 

***

Felix’s hands are cold and make Tae-sung shiver when he snuggles up to him in bed. Relaxing again, he buries his face in Felix’s hair and inhales deeply. 

“You smell of grape soju.”

“Mm. Ate with Minho-hyung and Jisungie.” Felix is quiet for several moments, contemplating whether he should tell the whole truth. “And Chris. Chris is here, y’know?”

“Oh?”

“Yeah. He’s staying in Korea for a bit before he goes back home. We caught up, talked about stuff. Cried. S’why I was late coming over. Also why I’m so cold; we sat in the park for a while.”

Tae-sung kisses Felix’s forehead, wrapping an arm around his shoulder to pull him closer. “Oh, Yongbok-ah, I’m sorry. How are you feeling, are you okay?”

Felix lets himself tear up again, sighing shakily as he nods. “Yeah, I’m okay. It was just a lot. A lot of emotion packed into it all, you know? Hyung, I’ve missed him so much.”

Tae-sung has always been incredibly understanding, even the time he confessed to Felix that at one point it had felt like he was The Other Guy despite being the one by his side. Even now, when Felix is so upset and once again mourning what’s lost, Tae-sung doesn’t resent him for it. 

“I know you did, darling. Anyone in you guys’ positions would. Did you get to resolve things between you?”

Felix nods, kissing his boyfriend’s bare shoulder; he’s not as buff as Chris, but he’s Tae-sung, and Felix is content with that. “Mm, kinda. We promised we’d stay in touch. Are…are you okay with that? I should have checked with you before asking him.”

“Of course I’m okay with it. I’m not going to stop you when you’re trying to fix something that’s so deeply important to you. That would be cruel of me.”

Felix sniffles, letting Tae-sung wipe his tears away. “I love you. Thank you.”

“I love you too. You don’t ever need to thank me for that.”

Felix feels nauseatingly guilty for thinking of Chris as he goes to sleep curled up in Tae-sung’s arms. And yet, it’s the first time in a long time that he dozes off so easily, so he doesn’t get much time to hate himself for it.

***

10 years later

“Yeobo, where are the nice plates?”

Felix looks up from his phone with a grin and is met by Tae-sung’s hopeful expression. “Babe, that was perfect! When did you start learning English?” he giggles, wrapping his arms around his husband’s waist. 

Tae-sung turns to hug him and hoists him up onto the counter in one swift move. “I have been teaching myself in secret! So many rules, hah…”

Felix beams at him and tilts his head to expose more of his neck as Tae-sung presses open-mouthed kisses all the way down. “Mmm… Can’t do much of this when they get here. He has a kid, you know.”

“He will also be here,” Tae-sung murmurs, gently gripping Felix’s waist. “Feels inappropriate enough. Has he landed yet?”

Felix checks his phone, where his messages to Chris still haven't been delivered. “I don’t think so. Soon.”

“One time before he’s here?” Tae-sung mumbles against his ear. 

Felix smiles mischievously, tempted by the idea. He lets out a breathy moan when Tae-sung slips a hand between his thighs. “You know one time will just turn into two, then three. And then we’ll be late to pick Chris up.”

His husband huffs but kisses his neck once more before stepping back, his hands finding Felix’s waist again. “You are so beautiful.”

“And you are so handsome. Didn’t I get so lucky?”

Felix’s mind starts to wander towards the dangerous side—the Chris-oriented side. If things had worked out between them all those years ago, would he be doing this with Chris now? Those thoughts should have stopped by now; they should have stopped years ago when Felix added his signature to the marriage certificate and Tae-sung happily squeezed his hand beside him. Hell, they should have stopped when Tae-sung proposed. And yet, they never did. Felix feels unfathomably guilty about this. There’s not much that he keeps from his husband. He sees no need to, because Tae-sung deserves to know everything. 

Felix did tell him about everything that unfolded between him and Chris; Tae-sung listened intently—held him every time he broke down in tears over how he’d always had to be the bad guy—and he did so without a single complaint, despite how often Felix brought it up back then. Still, he can’t bring himself to tell Tae-sung that every now and then, even 10 years later, he still falls into the trap of imagining what life would have been like with Chris. 

A hand on his cheek pulls him out of his own head, and he’s met with a soft, utterly fond smile; his heart betrays him as he recalls Chris’ fond smile in turn, and he can’t help but despise himself for it. Tae-sung doesn’t deserve it. 

“What are you thinking about, my heart?”

Felix wants to burst into tears right here, so in love with the man he married. He holds back with all the mental strength he possesses and smiles, leaning into a soft kiss. “I love when you call me that,” he whispers. 

Tae-sung kisses him again. “I know. That’s exactly why I’ve been doing it all this time. Now, what’s going on in your pretty head?”

Felix sighs. “Just thinking about how utterly lucky I am to have married you. Anyone else would have felt like they were competing with a ghost and left long ago, but not you. You’ve always been so understanding. And now you’re opening your home to this person I used to love. It takes a very kindhearted person to do that."  

Tae-sung stays silent for a moment, his thumb stroking Felix’s cheek. Then, he smiles. “I’ve always known that I could never compete—no, hang on, let me finish,” he quickly says when Felix tries to interrupt. “You could preach to your heart’s content that I’m the one, that Chris is nobody, but…how could I really compete, Yongbok-ah? I’d be up against a man who’s loved you for… what, 18 years? Maybe more. I just have to remind myself sometimes that I don’t need to be him for you to love me. That your heart has room for two.” 

Felix smiles sadly. “Yes it does. And you don’t even know that he still loves me, Hyung. He got married, he has a child.”

“If I was him, I know I still would. I mean, it’s you. Besides, didn’t he get a divorce?”

“That doesn’t have anything to do with me,” Felix snaps a little too harshly, once again overwhelmed with the need to cry. “If he really loved me, he’d have stayed in contact like he said he would. Even if I didn’t message him, he would have taken the initiative. He wouldn’t go radio silent for years until I just happened to pop into his inbox.”

Tae-sung doesn’t answer and steps back completely, pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth as he continues his search for their nice plates. He barely reacts when Felix wraps his arms around his waist from behind, letting out a small sigh. 

“Talk to me,” Felix pleads. It’s starting to feel like he’s about to fuck this up and lose Tae-sung, too.  

“It’s just… Why do all of that, then? Why go into his inbox at all? Do…” The older man doesn’t finish his sentence, but the implication is more than enough for Felix to feel the foundation of their relationship crack just a little. 

"Hey. You are the one I love. I married you, chose you, and I wouldn’t have done that if I didn’t love you deeply. There was a time when I couldn’t see myself being in a relationship with someone other than him, but you changed that.” Felix lets out a shaky breath, resting his forehead against his husband’s back. 

“Maybe that’s exactly why you needed to be; you loved him so much and the pain of losing him was too great, so you needed to replace him with something else. Have someone else take his place. Whilst he still holds that place in your heart I can never quite seem to reach.”

Felix bites his lip, his stomach tight. He could never admit to Tae-sung that he’s right. “ Hyung, what I needed was stability in my life, and you gave me that. Chris and I… it was never stable, never could be. Everything was too intense and volatile. I was ready to jump ship and just throw away all my hard work. With you, I don’t have that risk. I don’t have to weigh my options or worry about what I’m gonna have to sacrifice. I married a wonderful man and we get to stay here in a place I love, where I get to work as a singing coach—a job I absolutely adore. Maybe it’s not the dream I envisioned as a teenager, but I’m still living a dream.”

“You make things easy for me. So easy.” Felix hears Tae-sung’s voice crack, and the sound is enough to make his heart do the same. “My parents weren’t ready to accept me being in a relationship with a man, but you changed that, made them love you and in turn, accept me. I just want to be the one that makes things easy for you, too.”

“And you are,” Felix whispers fiercely. He forces himself into the space between his husband and the countertop, trying not to wince when Tae-sung looks away. “Are you mad at me? I can ask him to stay at a hotel, don’t even have to have him over for dinner. I don’t want you to be upset with me because of this.”

Tae-sung sighs, turning back to face him again, and Felix closes his eyes as a gentle hand runs through his hair. “I’m not going to deny the man a free place to eat and sleep just because I’m a little jealous. Just wondering how much harder it is to cook for four people instead of two...” He breaks into a grin at the end, and Felix’s heart soars. He can’t quite believe he got to marry such a wonderful person.

Felix laughs softly. “Well, one of those people is a tiny human who probably won’t eat as much.” 

Tae-sung looks up at the clock, then places a chaste kiss on Felix's forehead. “You should get going if you want to make it to the airport in time.”

“Mm. Don’t burn the house down while I’m gone.”

“Yah! I had the best teacher. Minho-ssi would never allow such a thing to happen in his kitchen, and neither will I.”

Felix smiles, slipping his jacket on and wrapping himself around his husband’s body. “I love you.”

“And I love you, my heart. Call me if you need me.”

***

Felix takes out his phone as he’s getting into the taxi, his lock screen showing a picture of him and Tae-sung in Thailand on their wedding day. In it, Felix has his eyes closed and is turned away, but his husband’s gaze is fixed on him, full of adoration and a softness that Felix has never quite gotten used to, even after all this time. Below them is a single message from Chris, and it’s enough to make him swallow thickly. He bites the inside of his cheek, wondering whether he should reply or just wait until he sees Chris in person. 

Chris is so unbelievably wonderful, and yet his presence confuses Felix like nothing else: he should feel happy, and he does, but then he feels guilty about feeling happy and it all turns into a complicated mix of emotions he doesn’t know how to navigate.

Eventually, he decides against replying, pocketing his phone and trying to organise the disarrayed jumble of thoughts swirling around in his head. He tries, if only for a moment, not to think about how painful it’ll be for Tae-sung and Chris to be in the same room together, or how gut wrenching it’s going to feel just to stand in front of Chris again. 

The first thing Felix sees when he makes his way inside the airport is the little girl in Chris’ arms, and he has to stop walking for fear that he’ll collapse right there.

Chris looks almost the same as he did 10 years ago, only slightly older and much broader. His hair is longer and curlier, and Felix notes that the little girl has the same brown curls, ending just above her shoulders. She’s so adorable, and the spitting image of Chris. Felix swallows around the lump in his throat.

Would our kids have looked like that? 

He digs his nails into his wrists until he winces, shaking his head and forcing the happiest expression he can manage as he makes his way over. Chris is pulling his headband off and shaking his hair out just as his daughter spots the new arrival.

“Lix, it’s Lix!” she yells, audible even over all the airport noise, and desperately tries to wriggle herself out of her dad’s embrace. Chris lets her go with a little pat to the head, and then she’s running over, almost tripping as she reaches her destination. Felix catches her in his arms, giggling as she looks up at him.

“Hi, sweet girl! What’s your name?”

“Stella!” she announces with a toothy grin. Felix only smiles wider, though he secretly wonders if it’s a requirement for kids her age to always be yelling. “Up! I wanna go up!”

Just as he’s about to lift her, he spots a pair of shoes stopping just in front of them. Time comes to a halt as he stands up and locks eyes with Chris. “You haven’t taught her about stranger danger yet?” Chris gives him a small smile, opening his arms and letting Felix walk straight into them. Please, please not now he begs his mind as it starts to recognise that this feels like home. 

“Not much of a stranger when she’s seen a million pictures of you,” Chris laughs. “She’s never spoken to you and yet she’s adamant that she knows you very well.”

Felix smiles faintly, only narrowly suppressing a grimace as his stomach knots. “You look good for 35,” he whispers. 

“And you still look 20,” Chris whispers back. 

Felix steps back after a moment, knowing his heart will betray him if the hug lasts any longer. “I asked you what her name was,” he says in Korean, “and you never replied. You sent me that one picture when she was born and that was it. It’s funny, though, that she saw so many pictures of me despite you not wanting to talk to me.”

Chris remains quiet and holds his hands out in a silent offer to take Stella, but Felix shakes his head; he melts a little when she yawns and rests her head on his shoulder, but the warm feeling is quick to disappear as he watches Chris’ face fall. “I don’t know what to tell you, Lix, other than, it hurt too much to talk to you. I should have been focused on moving on with my wife and newborn daughter, and I was still so fu—so hung up on you.”

“But you showed her who I was. Don’t you think that’s a little confusing for her? Or unfair to your wife? To me?”

“I only showed her after the divorce,” Chris snaps.

“Kids get things mixed up, Chris,” Felix sighs. “What if she thinks I’m your new boyfriend or whatever?”

Chris laughs humourlessly. “Yeah, I don’t see that happening.”

Felix flinches at that, taken aback by how bitter Chris still is about him moving on. “I told you, I waited. I really did. The way we left things, I just… didn’t feel I had the right to reach out first, so I gave you space,” Felix tells him quietly. “But eventually, waiting hurt too much, Chris. I just couldn’t."

They start making their way out of the airport and Felix flags down a taxi. 

“I know, Lix, I know. You know, it’s funny… I should have moved on when you did, and yet there’s a part of me that’s still a little hopeful that maybe you still want me.”

“Chris,” Felix says firmly. Perhaps this was a bad idea, after all. “I’m married.”

“I know, and I’m not going to get in the way of that. Not when you’re doing well and you’re happy. But you can’t fault me for thinking it.”

Felix doesn’t, because he’s guilty of thinking the same thing, but he doesn’t confess that like Chris just did. Instead he just gives him an imploring look and gets into the taxi, carefully strapping a sleeping Stella into her car seat between them. “She’s so cute,” he whispers. 

Chris nods as he looks down at her. “She got most of her features from her mum.”

“But she got your curls.”

Chris doesn’t reply to that, leaning down to kiss the top of Stella’s head and breathe in deeply. “What am I doing here? What are we doing, Lix?”

“Being friends,” Felix tells him pointedly. “Being civil. Trying to move past it all.”

“By forcing me and your husband to be friends?”

“Yeah. Because I don’t want to lose you and I can’t lose him, either. You’re like a part of me , and he’s my partner. That’s what this is. And anyway—Hyung wants to meet you.”

The rest of the ride home is spent in stiflingly awkward silence—so unlike the silence they’ve always welcomed easily. Maybe that’s just what 10 years of being separated has done to them. 

Felix sends a goofy sticker to Tae-sung, biting back a smile when he replies with an equally goofy picture of himself. He can feel the intense stare from beside him but successfully ignores it, sending another message to check whether the house is still standing. Tae-sung threatens to block him, and this time he doesn’t hold back his soft laugh. 

“How are the thirties treating you?” Chris asks after a while. 

Felix looks up from his phone and mirrors the grin on Chris’ face. “How are the thirties treating you, old man?” he teases back immediately. “I saw the way you groaned lifting your suitcase into the trunk.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Chris drawls and rolls his eyes. “To be honest, I think all that sleep I haven’t been getting for years is finally catching up to me.”

“You still struggle with it?” Felix pouts sadly.

Chris nods. “It got worse when Stella was born. Whenever she woke up at night I’d always let Lily—her mum—go back to sleep. I’d end up sitting with her the whole night, even after she quieted down. It’s gotten better now that she’s a little older. She sleeps like an angel. But you know...”

“Mm. Your wedding pictures were cute,” Felix giggles, nudging Chris’ shoulder with his finger. 

Chris smiles sadly and looks down at his hands where Stella has a firm grip on two of his fingers. “So were yours,” he says. “And yeah, we had a good run. But then Stella was born and since I was working in the studio a lot I would spend more time looking after her at night so her mum could rest. That meant we weren’t actually spending time together, so we just naturally drifted apart. The last year it was as if we were just two strangers living in the same house,” he finishes quietly. 

Felix decides to take the leap and reaches across Stella to place his hand over Chris’ bigger one, flashing a sympathetic smile when the older man looks up in surprise. “I’m sorry, Chris. That sounds awful.” He can hear his own voice shake a little as he says it.

“Thank you, Lix. I think it was for the better, honestly. I’ve had more time to focus on Stella and producing, and it works out, y’know?”

Felix nods. He could never imagine something like that happening with him and Tae-sung, regardless of whatever conflicting feelings he might have for Chris; he honestly doesn’t know if he even has feelings for him anymore or if they’re simply ghosts of what he once felt. He feels every emotion so intensely when it comes to Chris, but more than anything, it’s a lot of confusion and frustration. “You produce?” he asks now. “That Data Science and Decisions degree came in handy, then?” He holds back a teasing smile, but when Chris pouts and gives him a glare, he can’t help the laughter that bubbles out of him.

“Cunt,” Chris huffs, but he’s laughing too. 

“Do you do your own stuff? Upload to Soundcloud?” Felix continues, heat rising to his cheeks when he thinks back to that time in Hongdae when Chris listened to his song and they both cried. 

“Mm, nah. I do it for other people. Soloists and sometimes for a couple of groups. It’s pretty fun.” Chris goes quiet, seemingly trying to think of what to say next. “Do you still put your songs up on Soundcloud?”

Felix smiles in a way that has Chris veritably melting in front of his eyes. “I don’t put out my own songs much nowadays; so much work, so little time. I’m more than happy with just writing and recording them and then letting them sit in my files.”

“I get that.” Chris turns to look out the window as he places his free hand over Felix’s, the one trapped beneath it squeezing gently at Stella’s; she’s still sleeping soundly, her soft breaths filling the silence. “I didn’t want to stop talking to you,” Chris says after a long while. 

“I know, Chris.”

“It’s just… you’re so happy with Tae-sung, and your happiness comes first. I could see he’s a good guy who loves you the way you deserve, and I couldn’t get in the way of that. No matter how much it destroyed me to stay away or…” Chris swallows thickly. In a quiet voice, he adds, “Or how much I wanted—want… to be with you.” 

“I know, Chris,” Felix says again, quieter this time. “I know.” He looks down to where his hand is trapped between both of Chris’ and one of Stella’s, and he hates the way his heart aches in his chest like it wants to break through his rib cage and leave him entirely too vulnerable.

Stella is still sleeping when they get to the house, and Felix is quick to pick her up before Chris has a chance. “She’s gonna wake up if you take her,” he mumbles, knowing full well that makes no sense, and gently guides her head to his shoulder. Chris just smiles and nods, taking a brief hold of Felix’s elbow so he can kiss the top of his daughter’s head; he leans in so close that Felix can feel his hot breath fanning over his ear, and he hopes the shiver running through his body isn’t too noticeable.

When Felix opens the door, Tae-sung has a pot in his hands which he sets down on the table before making his way over. 

“My heart,” he whispers, kissing Felix’s forehead. It’s at that moment that Chris steps through the door, and Felix can feel the way Tae-sung slightly tenses up. 

“Hyung, this is Chris,” Felix smiles, resting his cheek against Stella’s head. “And Sleeping Beauty here is his daughter, Stella.”

“Hello. It’s nice to finally meet you, Tae-sung-ssi,” Chris greets him, going to bow before Felix’s husband dives forward and stops him. 

“No need. It is nice to meet you, too,” he smiles. “Tired? You are tired? Yongbok-ah, how do you say ‘do you want to rest’ in English?”

“D’you wanna rest for a bit?” Felix asks. “It won’t be too long before dinner’s ready.” 

Chris shakes his head. “No, let me help.” He turns to Tae-sung again. “I’d love to help get dinner ready, if that’s okay with you?” 

Tea-sung gives Felix a smile, then shakes his head. “No, you have to rest. Sit, sit.” He ushers Chris into a seat, fumbling about as he grabs him a glass of water. “I have alcohol, or coffee?”

“Just water is great, thank you.” Chris glances at Felix. “Want me to take Stella?”

Felix’s own gaze is still bouncing between his husband and Chris, a little surprised to see them be so cordial with each other; he doesn’t know why he was so worried. “No, it’s alright. You rest, take a moment to yourself. Bathroom is at the end of the corridor if you want to freshen up or anything.”

Chris nods, sliding out of his seat. He nods politely towards Tae-sung, who gives him a smile in return. “I’ll do just that. Won’t be long.”

Felix settles in a seat next to the one Chris has claimed, leaning into Tae-sung when he appears beside him. “I think you were right,” he sighs, once he’s certain he’s heard the bathroom door click shut. 

“About what?”

“The divorce,” Felix tells him with a shaky exhale, closing his eyes. “Was this a mistake?”

“Truth be told, I was ready to hate him. But he’s making it difficult,” Tae-sung murmurs. “It hurts a little—he’s so likeable and I’m so bitter about it. No wonder you were so in love with him.”

“Mm,” is all Felix can manage; his mind is a confusing tangle of past emotions and memories, all mixed in with the present in a way that leaves him reeling. As usual, it’s like Tae-sung can read his mind, and Felix has never despised that quality more than he does in this moment. 

“I wouldn’t blame you if you were still—”

“I’m not, Hyung!” Felix snaps, a little too harshly. He has no reason to be this defensive, and yet he can’t stop himself. “It’s in the past. I’m committed to you; I’m in love with you and nobody else—not even Chris.”

He hates how Tae-sung stays quiet after that, and soothes himself by running a gentle hand through Stella’s curls. She stirs, nuzzling her cheek against Felix’s shoulder. 

“Daddy?”

“Hey, sweetheart. Daddy’s just in the bathroom. He won’t be too long, pinky promise,” Felix smiles, internally losing it over how cute she is. 

“Lix. Lix is pretty,” she giggles, poking a finger at Felix’s freckles. “You have stars too, just like Mama!”

“Yeah?” Felix’s smile reaches his eyes, but deep down he feels something sick he can’t quite name. For the first time in years, he feels the urge to cover up his freckles. She has them too. To think this is a mere coincidence would be too big of a leap, even for him. 

When Chris returns, Stella is still giggling and poking at Felix’s cheeks. “Stella, no! You’ll hurt Lix, baby,” he scolds gently, and Stella pouts before dropping her hand. 

“‘m sorry, Daddy. I like Lix’s stars,” she mutters, and Felix can’t help the fond little laugh that escapes him. 

“Chris, it’s fine,” he grins. “She’s not hurting me or anything, don’t worry.”

Chris nods and slips into the seat next to him, resting his chin on his hand as he ruffles his Stella’s curls. “Sometimes I wonder what she’d look like if she had freckles. If…” he trails off, briefly looking at Felix before looking away. He doesn’t have to say it, but Felix knows what he means. His stomach seems to twist and tangle around itself, tighter and tighter until he begins to feel nauseous. 

“Maybe she does,” he says quietly, but he doesn’t immediately regret it like he knows he should. Instead, he looks at Chris properly to gauge his reaction, watches his eyes widen as he lets out a little gasp that fills Felix with more glee than it should. He shouldn’t be indulging in this. “Maybe they’re like yours, super faint but still there. Or maybe they’ll be more prominent when she gets older, y’know?”

For a little while, the ticking clock is the only thing cutting through the silence. Felix takes the break in conversation as an opportunity to glance toward his husband, who has an unreadable expression on his face. Felix smiles softly, and tries not to let it affect him when the smile he gets in return is tight-lipped and forced. He has no right to feel sad about it; it’s his own damn fault that Tae-sung feels like this in the first place, all because of his stupid feelings that he apparently can’t get under control no matter how hard he tries—how much he tries to forget and move on. 

“Chris-ssi,” Tae-sung starts, and Chris waves a hand. 

“None of that. Call me Hyung, please.”

Tae-sung pauses for a moment before he nods, making his way over to stand behind Felix. Stella looks up, and Felix tips his head back to watch his husband’s eyes crinkle into crescent shapes as he pats her head. 

“Hyung. How long are you staying in Korea?”

“Just today and tomorrow. I have work to get back to in Australia,” Chris replies. His legs are swinging under the table, and for a moment he accidentally bumps into Felix. Felix wants to tear his own skin off as he’s immediately riddled with the urge to touch him, be touched by him, anything that means he gets to feel him. It’s like his brain is screaming, please come back, more. Chris doesn’t pick up on the noise inside him. “Really, thank you guys for having me. You have a beautiful home.”

Tae-sung huffs out a laugh, ushering him towards the dishes on the table. “Please, eat, eat. Stella, you like… what are mung bean pancakes in English?”

“Ah, no, she doesn’t like them. Her mother does, but she hates them,” Chris laughs. “She loves kimchi, though.”

“Kimchi?!” Stella bounces in Felix’s lap, eyes wide and bright. He laughs and nods, grabbing a piece with his chopsticks and bringing it to her mouth. 

“Open wide, little one.”

As Stella eats, Felix wonders what it would be like to have a daughter of his own. He wonders whether he’d want her to have his own features or Tae-sung’s, and a quick look at his husband is enough for him to decide that he wants to see the same gentle eyes in his child. He wants them to have Tae-sung’s same insatiable appetite for good food and knows that he’d happily spend many hours teaching himself how to cook if it meant seeing them full and happy. 

Then he looks over at Chris, whose ears are already tinged red from the jjamppong, wondering if his child would have a high or low spice tolerance; he also realises that he forgot to tell Tae-sung that the spices needed to be toned down way more than usual. Felix’s ability to handle spice is low, but Chris’ is even lower—almost laughably so. Felix makes eye contact with Tae-sung, who buries his amusement in a big spoonful of rice and kimchi. His eyes are crinkling up again, almost disappearing, and Felix realises he wants their child to have those crinkles, too. 

This time, Felix intentionally bumps his foot into Chris, as if to say “fuck you for being this buffer between me and my husband. One that I can’t imagine getting rid of.” Cruel.

Felix knows that in reality, he’s the one being cruel: to Chris, to Tae-sung, to Stella who’s quietly singing a song to herself that seems to be about Lix and his stars. He wouldn’t be surprised if one day, when all of this inevitably crumbles down around them, the monster in whatever fairytale stories Chris tells her resembles Felix.

Later that night, just as Stella’s bedtime story quiets down in the other room, Felix sneaks in behind Tae-sung as he’s brushing his teeth by the bathroom mirror. The tile floor is cold under his feet, but he can’t find his slippers and he doesn’t care much, anyway. Tae-sung holds Felix’s hand where it rests on his stomach, thumb running over his knuckles as he finishes up.

Neither of them say anything. Not when Tae-sung waits for Felix to finish his skincare routine, not when he’s being carried over to their bed and gently laid down against the sheets. Not when Felix has to clamp his hand over his mouth to muffle a cry of Tae-sung’s name, his thighs trembling in his husband’s wake—hating his own mind for flashing him an image of Chris’ crestfallen face as he comes in Tae-sung’s lap. 

Tae-sung doesn’t say anything when Felix weeps quietly against his chest, just tightening his arms around him until he eventually falls asleep.

***

When Felix wakes the next morning, head pounding from last night’s crying session, he’s surprised to find that Tae-sung is missing from their bed. He quickly freshens up, walks past the door to the guest room which is still closed, and finds Tae-sung on the living room floor with Stella. They’re both lying on their stomachs, hunched over several sheets of paper and a kids’ paint set that Felix didn’t even know they had. 

Tae-sung stumbles over his broken English as Stella listens patiently, a blue crayon gripped in her little hand. “A crab, it’s called a crab!” she giggles, switching to a red crayon. “I wanna draw one, too!”

Felix plops himself down in front of them, gasping playfully when he takes a look at their drawing. There’s a tiny, poorly-drawn crab on a mound of sand, right in the middle of a vast ocean that’s been meticulously coloured in. “Morning, Stella! I love your drawing. You didn’t tell me you were such a great artist, honey,” he teases Tae-sung, who playfully rolls his eyes. Felix reaches out to squeeze his hand, and his stomach flutters when Tae-sung reaches down to kiss it. 

“Yeah, yeah. Think I’ll stick to fixing computers,” he pouts. “Never thought I’d be getting English lessons from a five year old.”

Felix giggles, then turns his attention back to Stella. “Where’s your dad, sweetheart?”

“Still sleeping,” Stella grins, baring her tiny teeth. “Look, Lixie! I have a wobbly tooth!” She pokes at one of them, shrieking in delight when it moves under her touch. 

She’s so bubbly and excited by everything that it only makes Felix wish harder for his own Stella. He looks over at Tae-sung—who seems to already know what he’s thinking again and reaches over to give his hand another squeeze. “One day,” he promises.

He knows how badly Felix has wanted it for so long, knows how desperate he is despite telling Tae-sung it’s best that they wait until they’re at a stable point in both their lives and their relationship. Still, no time has ever felt as right as this moment. 

“Sungie, help,” Stella whines all of a sudden. Tae-sung turns to her but Felix gives him a questioning look as giggles escape him. 

“Sungie?”

“I thought Tae-sung might be difficult for her to remember,” he replies with a small smile. “Yongbok-ah, I almost want to keep her.”

“Me too, Hyung,” Felix sighs. He ruffles Stella’s curls, turning into a sappy puddle when she looks up with a content expression. “Me too.”

“Mr Crab is too big,” Stella pouts. “He won’t fit next to Sungie’s crab.” 

“Why don’t you make him a new home?” Felix suggests, pointing to an empty part of paper where the water stops. “Make him a new little sand home right here?”

“Can you help me?” Stella hands him a yellow crayon and looks at him with big, hopeful eyes. 

“Sure thing. You want some help drawing Mr Crab too?”

“Mm, no.” She shakes her head.” I think I can do it! But… I don’t want him to be wonky like Sungie’s.”

Felix snickers, his laughter getting louder when he sees Tae-sung’s face fall. Stella looks confused which only makes him laugh harder, having to sit back up properly to clutch at his stomach. Tae-sung stands with a disgruntled pout, though he’s trying very hard not to break into a smile when Felix grabs onto his hand, doubled over in pain as his stomach starts cramping. 

“No… n-no, I’m,” Felix wheezes with tears in his eyes, still holding Tae-sung’s hand. “I’m sorry, jagi. S-Sorry, I’m sorry.”

“I’d like to see you try and draw a crab from memory,” his husband grumbles, but his frown is slipping more and more the longer Felix laughs. He doesn’t let up even when Chris walks in—a bit surprised seeing Felix crumpled on the floor in front of him. By now he’s calmed down a little, and Tae-sung helps him back onto his feet before pulling him into a hug. 

“Lix…?”

“Daddy! Do you like my drawing? Sungie helped me, and he drew the wonky crab for me!”

The comment only sets Felix off again, and he rips himself out of his husband’s arms and falls back to the floor. He waves a dismissive hand when Chris tries to help him up, unaware of the amused look he shares with Tae-sung.

“Is he okay?”

“My abysmal crab drawing skills are weirdly funny to him,” Tae-sung replies. “I’ve never seen him laugh this hard.”

“He used to laugh like this all the time when we were younger.” Chris watches Felix rolling on the floor, his daughter also watching in what Chris can only guess is slight horror mixed with confusion as she pouts at her own drawing. 

“Is my drawing bad, Lix?”

“No!” Felix huffs, desperately trying to breathe in lungfuls of air as he shuffles closer to Stella. “No, darling, i-it’s not bad, I promise. That’s not why I’m laughing, honey. You did a great job!”

The five year old doesn’t seem entirely pleased with his answer, still pouting when Felix hands her the red crayon she dropped. “Want me to find you a picture of a crab, so it’s not wonky?”

Stella nods, patiently waiting as Felix brings one up on his phone. Tae-sung leans down to kiss the top of Felix’s head before going to start on breakfast, and Chris sits himself between the two of them on the floor. 

“Have you ever seen a crab at the beach, Stella?” Felix asks. “Me and Sungie saw one when we went last time.” He pauses, then turns to Chris. “We went to Australia a few years ago, some time after we got married. My grandpa was so happy to see me again, and he hardly let go of Tae-sung’s hand the whole time.”

“You’re good with her,” Chris whispers, promptly changing the subject; he doesn’t want to think about Felix going to Australia without bothering to find a time for them to meet up. This doesn’t go unnoticed by Felix, but he doesn’t push. The two of them watch as Stella looks back and forth between her drawing and the cartoon crab Felix found for her, eyes narrowed in concentration. “Like, really good.”

“I’ve babysat Olivia’s son a bunch of times. It’s easy work now,” Felix shrugs. “Plus, I should be good with kids if I want my own some day, right?”

He doesn’t miss the way Chris fails to hide the way he winces, bringing his knees up to rest his chin on them. “Yeah, I suppose that’s true. I always suspected you’d be good with kids. I guess I was right.” 

Felix doesn’t add anything to that, doing his best to focus on helping Stella instead of how good Chris’ arms look in a sleeveless shirt. 

“You’ll be a great dad, Lix,” Chris mumbles, just loud enough for him to catch. He freezes, not daring to look up at the man beside him. Chris continues. “I…I couldn’t help but think—y’know, back then—how wonderful a parent you would have been if we had kids. If…if we got together, got married, if… I had the chance to grow old with you.”

“Chris,” Felix snaps, a little too harshly. He glances over at Tae-sung, who’s trying to look like he’s not paying attention; he’s out of earshot but Felix can tell his head is turned just slightly their way to catch them in his peripheral vision. 

Chris sighs. “I’m sorry. I just know that if I don’t say this now, it’s gonna haunt me forever.” 

Felix doesn’t want that, so he stands down, momentarily. 

“I did wonder—when Stella was born, when I got divorced—whether you’d come back to me if I went chasing after you. Cause I knew you loved me. That you…That all those years ago, you didn’t leave because you gave up. You left because you’re you.” He holds up a hand as Felix goes to protest. “No, listen. I fell in love with the person you are, Felix. And that person is someone who has to leave sometimes, because he loves so deeply that he’s ready to sacrifice everything he has as long as it means not losing that person. You cut yourself off so you don’t ruin everything you’ve worked for.”

“I’m not that same person anymore, Chris,” Felix grits out through clenched teeth. His heart has never hurt like it does in this moment—with the realisation that to Chris, he’s always been someone who leaves, someone who moves on before he can cause any permanent damage. “I’m not the same person you fell in love with.”

“Yeah, I guess you don’t leave anymore,” Chris smiles sadly. “I mean, to your husband, you’re certainly someone who stays, huh? All these years and you’re still with him. I’m not gonna pretend it doesn’t hurt. But you’re still you, Felix. And I’m still here, loving you. Selfishly hoping that deep down you’re still the man I knew before you met him, and that maybe… maybe if I turned up in front of you, you’d leave with m—“

“Chris, don’t do this. Don’t fucking do this to me, please,” Felix begs softly, tears welling in his eyes. “Don’t, just don’t.”

“I bought an extra ticket,” Chris laughs, a horribly bitter sound. “It’s in one of the drawers under the TV.”

A wave of panic and horror hits Felix like a truck. “Chris, what the fuck are you doing?” he hisses, giving Stella a quick glance to make sure she’s not paying attention. “Are you insane?”

This is a mistake. All of this was a mistake; inviting Chris to stay at his home was a mistake. For the very first time in his life, Felix wants Chris far, far away from him. 

“I-I couldn’t bear to look at it when it was just sitting in my bag. I guess I just want you to know it’s there. God, I’m such a fucking idiot,” Chris laughs again, fiddling with the yellow crayon. “I don’t know what I was thinking. I don’t know anymore, Lix.”

“Chris, I can’t. I just…” Felix hesitates for a brief moment, and Chris looks up with far too much hope in his eyes. “I just can’t.”

“It’s there if you want it,” Chris says, completely void of emotion. “I’m gonna take Stella out for some sightseeing.”

Felix nods, watching him get up and kiss Stella’s head. “Hi, sweet pea. Wanna go and see if we can find you a Cinnamoroll backpack for big school?”

Stella’s face scrunches up as she grins, bouncing in front of Felix and taking his hands. “Lix, Lix! Wan’ help me find a backpack?”

The last thing that Felix wants is to disappoint her—none of this is her fault and they shouldn’t let it affect her—but he can’t spend hours walking around Seoul with Chris right now, acting as if he hasn’t just dropped the biggest bombshell on him. He can’t pretend he’s not considering it, either.

Felix doesn’t know whether he has the guts to face Tae-sung right now. He’s done nothing to physically cheat on his husband, but the emotional cheating and the knowledge of what a horrible partner he’s being is tearing him up inside. 

Maybe he and Chris are both just horrible people. The thought is quick to show itself but he’s even quicker to boot it into the chasm of his mind where he keeps anything Chris-related. He’s being good, following the rules, but he can’t help thinking: here’s his first and forever love, presenting him with a ticket to a different life—one where he returns with them to his beloved Australia and ends up with a man he’s wanted for as long as he can remember. Felix dutifully reminds himself that he’s in a committed relationship with one of the best people he’s ever met, and yet he’s so close to just giving in—to tumbling headfirst into that chasm and not looking back. 

The Felix from 12 years ago would be slapping and screaming at current Felix, wondering what the fuck is wrong with him—why he isn’t acting on it when he has Chris right there in front of him. Actual flesh and blood Chris, no laptop screen or shitty wifi connection in sight. 

Respectively, current Felix wants to kick his past self for not acting on his feelings sooner, not taking the chance when they still had time; for holding onto those feelings so long that, now, no matter what he chooses, he’s a horrible person. 

Felix blinks, finding Stella still waiting for an answer. He’ll never forgive himself for disappointing her, but the selfish part of him hopes that one day, she will. That Chris won’t hate him enough to have Stella feel the same way.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart,” he frowns, turning his hands to take hers properly. “I have a lot of things I need to do today. I’m sure you’ll have lots of fun with your dad though, right?”

“Right…” she mumbles, dropping her head. 

“I’ll expect a full report by the time you get back, though,” Felix nods, all serious like he’s giving her a mission. Stella’s head snaps up again, eyes crinkling like her dad’s. “Take lots of pictures, yeah? And you have my permission to tell Daddy off if he doesn’t wanna do something.”

“I get to tell Daddy off,” she giggles, shyly looking over at Chris who’s already playfully rolling his eyes.

When Chris has whisked his daughter away to get her ready, Tae-sung uses the moment of quiet to pull Felix into his arms. “You should spend the time he has left here in Korea with him. Make some nice memories.” 

Felix knows what Tae-sung is trying to do, and it only makes him feel worse. He’s Felix’s husband, he shouldn’t be the one trying to patch up their friendship like this. He shakes his head, turning in Tae-sung’s arms and sighing deeply. His eyes burn with the need to cry and he can already sense another headache coming on. “I can’t… I shouldn’t. Just—I don’t know what to do anymore, Hyung,” Felix whispers, tightening his arms around the other’s waist. He physically relaxes, just a little, when Tae-sung hugs him tighter, just the way he needs right now. 

Felix always knew, even as a kid, what path he wanted to take in life—and most things along that path have been easily accessible. Right now, it’s a different story; he’s never felt so lost, so detached. Every option is one step too far in whatever direction means he loses everything else, and he doesn’t know what to do. All he does is hold Tae-sung tighter, hoping that somehow the embrace will give him the answer. 

***

Stella has made up a song about her newly acquired Cinnamoroll backpack and is currently doing figure eights around Chris’ legs as she sings it. His hand tightens on the handle of his suitcase as he tries to think of the right thing to say. He glances down at his phone which shows the Uber still three minutes away. 

Felix doesn’t know what to say either—nothing that could possibly be enough when Chris half expects him to board a flight to Australia without looking back at his life. 

“The flight is at 9pm tonight,” Chris mutters after a long while. Felix nods, and then they go back to silence.

There’s so much they should talk about, to make sense of any of this, to really understand the weight of the decision Chris is leaving him with.

Felix tries to speak, only for the words to stay lodged in his throat. He huffs, upset and angry; at himself and Chris and his stupid fucking feelings that he can’t get under control—that might just ruin his life. He hates every part of this. 

“You…” Chris starts, his voice wavering. “I know what I’m asking of you. I know what a horrible person I am for doing this, and I still can’t help it. Your husband is so kind and wonderful and I’m just... I hate that I’m so selfish when it comes to you,” he sighs. “But, baby… In every universe, it’s you for me. Even if it’s not me for you. That’s how I feel.”

Felix stays quiet, digging his nails into his palm in a poor attempt to stop himself from crying. The first tear slips down his cheek and all he wants to do is scream. 

Chris can’t do anything but watch, can’t reach out and comfort him like he wants to. Felix isn’t his anymore. Not that he ever was in the first place. He shakes the thought away, focusing instead on the bittersweet notion that Felix still looks so pretty when he cries. Of course he does. 

The Uber pulls up to the side of the road, but neither of them move. From the corner of his eye, Chris can see Stella look up at him as she stops circling his legs. 

“Daddy? Is Lix coming with us?” 

Felix sobs with a gasp, a hand over his mouth. He finally manages to tear his eyes away from Chris and bends down to her level, taking her hands. 

“Be good for your dad, yeah? Can you promise me that, darling?”

She nods, frowning when she notices the tears running down Felix’s cheeks. “Don’t cry, Lix. You should always be happy, Daddy says!”

Felix nods, gently pulling her into a hug. He has no idea what to do right now, and the fact that Stella is expecting him to come makes it a thousand times worse. “Hey, what do you have to always do when you get into a car?”

“Seatbelt! Have to stay safe,” she grins, and Felix smiles tearfully. 

“Good girl. Think you can do that by yourself?”

“Yup, I’m a big girl,” she giggles, already climbing into the car by herself. 

Felix turns back to Chris again, tears falling harder now. “I…I don’t know what to do. Chris, I have no clue what I should do.”

“I know, Lix,” Chris says, and he’s crying too. “You still have some time. I’m sorry. I don’t know why I—”

“Don’t,” Felix interrupts. He’s already stepping forward and pressing himself against Chris, arms tight around his torso. “Please don’t say anything else. I’ll break.”

“Okay,” Chris whispers. His hand comes to cup the back of Felix’s head and he leans in, inhaling Felix’s scent. He breathes in deeper and deeper until he feels himself go lightheaded, and only then does he pull away. “Okay.”

“Okay,” Felix nods, furiously wiping his tears away. He watches as Chris puts his suitcase in the back of the car—then looks back at him for what feels like forever but is probably not long at all—before getting in and closing the door behind him. 

There’s no longing gaze held through the car window like in the movies. Everything moves too quickly and Chris has only seconds to give him one last glance before the car speeds off, a goodbye still lingering on Felix’s lips.

He manages to hold himself together as he makes his way back into the house, where he can hear Tae-sung moving about and tidying the guest room. He’s thankful that his husband is already doing it, because he’s not sure he could handle being in the same room that Chris was sleeping in just hours ago. 

Felix practically melts to the floor in front of the TV, hands shaking uncontrollably as he pulls the first drawer open. 

There’s only a white envelope in there, no doubt containing the ticket. Felix slowly lifts it out, holding it by the very corner with his nails as if it might burn him. He drops it onto his lap, tears falling on the paper as he stares down at it. It can’t be more than a few seconds later that he opens it and takes out the ticket, but the passage of time is muffled by the cotton in his head and he feels strangely weighed down, like every movement takes hours.

He could be with Chris. He’s holding the opportunity right there in his hands. He could go back to Australia where he once left a part of his heart, and actually be with him—help raise Stella alongside him, finally love him like he’s wanted to do for almost his entire life. He could.

“Darling? What are you—” Tae-sung rushes over the moment he sees Felix crying quietly, pulling him into his arms. “You’re okay. You’re okay, Yongbok-ah. You’re okay.”

Felix turns and buries his face into Tae-sung’s shoulder, the ticket slipping out of his lap as he does so. His husband finally glances down and notices it, and everything comes crashing down around them. 

“Oh.”

***

“I want a baby. I-I want us to have a baby, Hyung. Wan’ a baby so badly,” Felix cries hysterically. They’re still in front of the TV, only now Tae-sung has him in his lap. The older man hasn’t said anything for hours. 

“Okay,” he whispers into Felix’s hair, his first word since he saw the ticket—it’s still on the floor beside them, only it’s been ripped to shreds in Felix’s fit of rage. “Okay, love. We’ll have a baby.”

Nothing about this is okay. Nothing is okay about the way Felix goes to sleep with a headache, hours later, and then somehow wakes up with an even heavier heart than the day before. Tae-sung, however, is fast asleep—still sitting up and holding Felix in a position that must be killing his neck. 

Felix never expected to be experiencing his first true heartbreak at 32, in the arms of his husband who is so adamant to hold him through it all despite his own pain. Nothing about it is okay.  

Nothing is okay about the way Chris collapses into a sobbing mess on the floor of the airport as the final boarding call crackles through the speakers, or about the way Stella—five year old Stella—wraps her tiny arms around her dad, who she’s never seen cry until today. Nothing is okay about the way Chris holds on to his daughter a little too tightly, shaking and thinking that she is the very last thing he has; begging and praying to whatever higher powers have it out for him to let him keep her, to please not take her away too, don’t don’t don’t don’t don’t. 

Are you sure you want to block this user?

Chris hits yes before he can think twice about it, just as one of the air hostesses asks him to please switch his phone off. And so he does, finally leaving behind Korea, and Lee Felix. He’s going back to Australia, and yet he’s never felt so far from home. 

***

“I read a book yesterday,” Chris randomly blurts out as he watches Felix clear his current Pac-Man level. 

The sun is setting, one of many indicators of how long they’ve spent cooped up in Chris’ room. It casts a soft orange glow on Felix where he sits on the floor, and Chris gets so lost in how pretty he is that he has to quickly compose himself when the younger boy looks up. 

“What was it about?” Felix turns to him only for a second, but it’s enough time for a ghost to catch him and make him lose the level. The sunset makes him look like he’s been sprinkled in gold, his freckles prettier than they’ve ever been. “Argh, you distracted me!”

“Give it here,” Chris laughs, scooting further up the bed so Felix can sit next to him. He hopes it isn’t obvious that his breath hitches when Felix’s arm presses right up to his. “Well, this man comes back for a girl he used to love as a kid, but she’s married now and has kids and everything. She has this whole new life but when the man asks her to run away with him, she says yes. Just because he said he loves her, and she loves him too. Don’t you think that’s mean to her husband and her kids?”

Felix looks up at him, puzzled. “I don’t get it. You said she loves him back.“

“Mm, I guess you don’t. It’s a book for adults,” Chris shrugs, successfully clearing the level Felix has just failed. 

“Then why are you reading it? You’re 13!” Felix yells, uttering a giggly apology when Chris hisses at his volume. 

“I don’t know, it seemed interesting. Maybe I’ll explain it to you when you’re older.”

Felix hums, resting his head on Chris’ shoulder. “I think I would run away if I was her. If someone tells me they love me and I love them too, I would run away with them. Maybe we’d get to live in a big, nice house together in the middle of Sydney!”

“There are nicer places than Sydney, Lixie,” Chris laughs with a playful roll of his eyes. “Like Korea.”

“I’ve never been there.”

“Maybe we’ll go and live there together. And then we’ll come back to Australia on holidays and stuff.”

Felix hums in agreement, and it sends sparks of electricity pulsing through Chris’ veins. “That sounds nice.”