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“I cannot understand you at all.”
Lin Chen speaks in his usual ironic drawl.
Nihuang resists snapping at him. There is much to do with the kingdom under attack from three directions and Lin Chen’s passive-aggressive attitude has been grating at her all day.
“Lin Chen, I think you’re a little drunk.”
“And I think you’re a nut-case! I suppose, we’re all entitled to our opinions.”
Before Nihuang can respond, Lin Chen continues.
“Have you any idea how disappointed I am in your insanity?"
"Did you know that after picking up the pieces of Changsu and stitching him back together, I spent years dissuading him from coming back to the Capital? I knew he would throw away his life for his precious justice if he did. But all in vain.”
Nihuang rubs her head to ease the forming ache.
“Xiong Zhang has his reasons…”
“I know! But you do not. I knew the moment he spoke of you that you were my only hope. There was beautiful, loyal, clever Gong-yu begging for his attention and all he ever said was ‘She wouldn’t find what she needs in me’ and then there was that time he sent Niedou to you to help you in battle in spite of the risks of discovery saying ‘I’ve broken enough promises to her already.’ “
Nihuang feels her eyes burn- and here she was thinking she was done with regrets and if-only’s. Still she does not allow Lin Chen’s words to keep her from going back to writing the latest letter authorizing emergency transfer of rations from the military granaries of the rich arable lands in the South to the forming front-lines in the North.
“I got up and danced with glee when I heard how his resistance to your discovery of him evaporated mere weeks after meeting you. And when I met you, walking with him in the plum blossom garden I thought ‘By god, this is going to work! Changsu finally has found something in his past that he can live for rather than die for.’ ”
Nihuang forces herself to focus on the letter. Xiong Zhang fell into a fitful sleep in the next room just an hour ago but he will awake soon (they have slept only in small naps for the last 2 days) and when he does they will go into the Palace and lay out the plan with Prince Jing and carry out one last strategy session before…
Nihuang refuses to complete the thought. One thing at a time.
“Who didn’t think so? Half the capital knew whom it was the Princess Nihuang spurred her other suitors for. Your stick-in-the-*** friend Xia Dong went to interrogate Changsu to ensure his intentions were honorable. Hell, did you know your silly-puppy of a brother had your dowry plans changed to include the services of a very famous doctor?”
Nihuang wants nothing more than to stuff her letter into Lin Chen’s mouth to stop him.
“Lin Chen, get to the point. I don’t have all day.”
Lin Chen’s voice takes on a bitter edge.
“But you did nothing. You helped him support Prince Jing, you just stood and watched him feed himself one-bite-at-a-time to his manic obsession with the Chiyan army justice. Even now you’re helping him commit suicide. But why? You, of everyone, have no history with the Chiyan army, and everything to lose in Changsu!”
“Tell me Nihuang, how does it feel to be the seeing-lover help our blind-with-grief hero jump off a cliff?”
The brush in Nihuang’s hand trembles and she has to take a breath to keep from jumping at his deft baiting.
Nihuang deliberately finishes and seals her letter, then brushes her dress as she rises to face Lin Chen.
“Lin Chen I understand. You’re grieved, and in your grief if you must blame someone, you may blame me. Goodness knows I’ve done little enough for Xiong Zhang all these years, while you have done everything in your power to protect and preserve Changsu. And for that,” Nihuang bows low in front of Lin Chen. “For that alone I will always be in your debt.”
It is Lin Chen’s turn to grit his teeth.
“You are his doctor and his friend, a friend he has not had to lie to when he has had to lie to nearly everyone else dear to him… even me. And for that, I am thankful on his behalf for you.”
She bows a second time, an honor she rarely accords anyone. Lin Chen grips his hands into fists behind him but refuses to bow back.
“But I beg you not to grieve Xiong Zhang with any words that imply he let me down. The words will not change his mind, only hurt him, and they are not even true.”
“My fiancée Lin Shu died 14 years ago. With his death our betrothal and promises ended. He was true to his promises to me till he died. Reborn as Mei Changsu he still sought to look out for me in my battles. Yet I, I have not even erected a gravestone for him. If anything, it is me who has let him down.”
“But I have not been idle either. I have been who I was born to be: General Mu Nihuang, heir-regent of the Mu family, and responsible for the safety and welfare of my brother, my family, my clan and all of Yunnan.”
“When Xiong Zhang returned, I knew he too had returned to be who he was born to be: ‘the Capital’s brightest star’ and the one who will save us in this dark hour. He will pave the way for a better, a different Liang for the betterment of everyone in Liang.”
She takes another breath and gazes over at the door to the room leading to his bedroom.
“No personal cost can be too great for that. Not only do I believe Xiong Zhang can and will do all this, I believe no one BUT Xiong Zhang can.”
She bows her head to her chest and her voice drops.
“When… when Xiong Zhang asked me what I would do in his shoes…. I couldn’t argue, couldn’t speak. I wanted to tell him I understood, that I always knew it would come to this, but something small and selfish in me wanted to cling and beg. But I am who I am, as Xiong Zhang is, so we neither of us said anything at all.”
Nihuang lifts her chin to look at Lin Chen again “Lin Chen, I hope that someday you'll understand.”
Silence falls as they both listen to it snow outside, in the already fading sunlight.
Feiliu enters the room and nods at Nihuang.
“Xiong Zhang is up, I must go but,” Her soft calm voice carries a ring of steel. “Even as I respect you and am in your debt, I will not allow you to hurt him with grievous lies, and you know” She looks steadily at Lin Chen “that I am NOT to be trifled with.”
With that Nihuang sweeps up her finished letters, calls for messengers and horses to dispatch them, as well as someone to summon her steward. There are no certainties in war, and there are provisions she must make, in the case she does not make it through this one.
Lin Chen is left, head bowed, alone in the drafty room as her departure into the courtyard lets in a wisp of wind and snow.
Then he starts to laugh lowly. Feiliu, who is now sitting in the corner of the room, tilts his head curiously at the laugh.
“Feiliu, Feiliu, did you hear that? No wonder Changsu never even noticed Gong-yu.”
“But Feiliu, she is wrong in at least two things.”
“I’ll never understand why she and Changsu are who they are!”
Perversely he jumps up and goes to the door to shout at the retreating Nihuang
“You hear me you stubborn, insane princess?! Don’t think just because you say a bunch of pretty words I’ll forgive you or understand! I don’t want to understand, I am not resigned, and if you die in battle you can jolly well die without my forgiveness!”
Satisfied that his protest has been logged, he watches Nihuang continue on her way, unperturbed.
He sighs and turns around back to Feiliu, closing the door to the chill.
“Do you know where she is also wrong?”
With a wry smile, “my words wouldn’t hurt Changsu.”
“Her understanding has already pierced him in places my words could never reach.”