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If you ask Han Taesan what he wants most in life, the answer will be to feel loved by his boyfriend, Kim Leehan.
Leehan loves Taesan and Taesan loves Leehan—there’s no doubt in saying that. But things have changed since Leehan started talking to his teammates on the soccer team.
Taesan supports Leehan with everything he does; school, soccer, and work. His boyfriend is one of the most regarded players and even some teachers aspire to be as hardworking and active as him. What’s most shocking about this narrative is that through all the mayhem, Leehan still manages to make time for Taesan.
But it’s not the same anymore.
“Leehan!” Taesan exclaims, running up to his boyfriend who’s sitting on a chair near the field. “You did awesome!” The guy has just won yet another soccer game.
“Thank you, darlin’.” Leehan smiles and ruffles Taesan’s hair, basking in the moment when they are together. He lives for moments like these when he can be alone with Taesan.
Unfortunately, nothing lasts long in their world. The prior feeling of love is choked out by a new facade. One that Leehan has to put on whenever his friends come along—one that he has to put on now .
“Leehan-ah! My guy,” one of Leehan’s friends roughly pats his back, startling both him and Taesan. “Good game day, am I right?” He spares Taesan a glance and snickers. Taesan immediately feels uncomfortable.
“Fuck yeah,” Leehan pushes Taesan away from him and turns to face his friends instead. Taesan only lets it happen because what else can he do?
His nonchalant front does little to show how he really feels. He feels like his heart has just been stung by the nastiest creature out there. A creature who wants nothing but good for themselves and only themselves. A scorpion .
“Why’re you here with this bitch?” Taesan’s eye twitches when Leehan’s friend points right at him and snorts. It reminds him of how horrible his life was before Leehan decided they could make their relationship public.
Taesan looks at Leehan who’s since moved his focus toward him. Taesan doesn’t know what he expected, but he most definitely did not expect Leehan to chuckle along with his friends’ name-calling.
“No clue,” mumbles the soccer player, his hesitant laughter growing stronger as more insults spew out of his friends’ mouths.
Taesan has to hold back what he wants to say to both his boyfriend and his friends. He moves back a few steps before fully turning and making a run for it, their words ringing through his head like an unbreakable chant.
Seeing Taesan run off tugs at Leehan’s heartstrings. He wants so badly to chase after him, to tell him that he’s sorry about his stupid friends and how he agreed with them—however, when you’re suffocating, no matter how much you want to breathe…
You can’t.
—
“Taesan! I feel like I haven’t seen you for ages,” Leehan calls out as he skips up to his boyfriend in the hallway. The boyfriend in question seems a bit more downhearted than usual today.
“It’s ‘cause you haven’t,” Taesan mutters straightforwardly, frowning slightly. He opens his locker nonchalantly and tries his best to ignore the words threatening to spill out his mouth about what happened a few weeks ago.
“You sure? Hasn’t it only been, like, a couple of days?” Leehan raises an eyebrow at Taesan’s remark and starts to unlock his locker too. He struggles with the lock thanks to his forgetfulness but eventually gets it in the end.
“It’s been two weeks.” Taesan pauses all movement and turns to face Leehan, all tolerance for his presence diminishing within three quick seconds. “I’ll see you when I see you, Leehan.” He then walks away, books in hand, leaving Leehan with the knowledge that he hasn’t seen his boyfriend for 14 whole days.
Leehan stares at the space where Taesan was standing just seconds ago and gapes. He’s been so caught up with his social life that he’s forgotten about the one person who’s kept him sane through everything.
“That’s fucked up,” Leehan hears a voice coming from next to him and jumps slightly. He looks over and his face pales when he sees nobody there. “Down here,” He tilts his head down and sees a distinguished fellow glaring right at him.
My day is just full of surprises . Leehan sighs and makes himself comfortable with having to kickstart a new conversation.
“And who are you?” The long-haired guy squints his eyes to inexplicitly judge the shorter.
The guy still notices his attempt and scoffs softly, closing his locker before continuing the conversation. Leehan hadn’t even noticed him when he was talking to Taesan.
“Lee Sanghyeok.” begins the shorter. The name doesn’t ring any bells, so Leehan cocks an eyebrow and silently prompts for him to continue. “Riwoo? Never heard the name? Gosh, you’re just as oblivious as you come off to be.” Riwoo rolls his eyes and crosses his arms impatiently.
“Hey! What makes you think that?” Leehan mimics Riwoo’s posture, fighting back lamely ‘cause he actually is a bit confused right now.
“You find nothing wrong with not seeing your boyfriend for two weeks straight.” Riwoo holds up a finger to indicate that he’s not done talking. “And you haven’t noticed the three different pins I’m wearing that say ‘student council president’ on each of them.” His passionless response makes Leehan just as confused as Taesan’s.
“I’ve been busy lately, though. I don’t always have time to see him. He’s been fine with that for a while. That’s what I thought, at least.” Leehan murmurs, slowly starting to realize his wrongdoings.
“From the way he sounded, it seems like you haven’t been talking at all. That’s not good.” Riwoo’s painfully aware of how nosy and annoying he sounds for prying into Leehan and Taesan’s matters, but he’s a sucker for couples therapy. Especially when it works.
“It shouldn’t really concern you—”
“I mean, if it’s something making my best friend sad, I think it should.” Riwoo shrugs, feeling smug inside. He loves doing this. He loves cutting people off when he knows what they’re going to say.
Leehan stares at him, completely perplexed, and doesn’t say anything. Riwoo can almost see the cogs turning in his head as he tries to rack his brain for any information about Riwoo. It’s funny because Riwoo knows he won’t find anything.
“Best friend? What?” Leehan appears as though he’s missed a few chapters of his own book. To his knowledge, Taesan never introduced him to or even talked about this Riwoo guy. In fact, he’s never even seen the two together!
Well, at least not in the, like, two times that they’ve met up this past season.
Point is, he doesn’t know who Riwoo is. Is it possible that Taesan’s found someone new to talk to in these past weeks? And they’ve become really good friends? Possibly even further…?
No, Taesan would tell him. Taesan’s not… replacing Leehan, is he?
“Hey, whatever you’re thinking of in that half-assed brain of yours is exactly what Taesan’s been thinking about you .” Riwoo shoves Leehan harshly to push him out of his own head. “I’d say you have just a few days left before he snaps and does something irrational.” He then walks away without another word.
The second he’s out of Leehan’s view, Riwoo smirks slightly. His conversation with Leehan went exactly how he wanted it to—perhaps Taesan won’t come crying to him about his boyfriend anymore.
—
“Leehan, please don’t talk to me.”
Leehan pulls Taesan into an empty classroom a few days later to talk to him about a couple of things. Ever since his short and unexpected talk with Riwoo, he’s been feeling off about their relationship. If Taesan’s not going to open up about it, Leehan’s going to pry whatever’s bothering him out.
“No, Taesan. I’m not letting you go until you tell me what’s wrong.” Leehan holds onto Taesan’s hand to stop him from leaving the room. “You’ve been unlike yourself these past days and it’s hurting me, darlin’.” Taesan lets out a shaky breath and backs away from the door, facing Leehan instead.
“Okay, then.” Taesan looks at Leehan expectantly. However, Leehan doesn’t give him any response. He simply raises an eyebrow suspiciously and looks at his boyfriend’s dim figure from where he stands in front of him.
“Tell me how it could possibly hurt you more than it hurts me.” Taesan keeps his brave demeanor up despite the obvious wobble in his voice.
Suddenly, it’s as if Leehan’s toggled a different mode within his vision. He’s seeing Taesan for who he really is: a colorless boy who wants to feel loved.
“Taesan…?” he whispers, shaken by the other’s menacing glare. The guy has only ever looked at him with love in his eyes and fullness in his heart—this change is searing hot to the touch and unbearable to see.
“You don’t like me, Donghyun.”
It feels like a burden’s been taken off of Taesan’s shoulders; one which he’s been carrying for far too long. The feeling of getting this off his chest is equivalent to that of taking a breath after drowning underwater.
“What? No, Taesan, you’re mistaken. I love you.” Both of Leehan’s hands find themselves on Taesan’s shoulders. He feels desperate to draw him back in—the anchor is slipping away and he can’t bear losing Taesan.
“You say you love me but you never show it! You only care about football and—”
“Soccer.” Kim Donghyun, you fucking dumbass .
Taesan freezes, forgetting everything he’s been wanting to say for so long. He stares at Leehan with his mouth agape for a few seconds before returning to his previously stoic expression.
He glares at Leehan once more, shoving his hands off of his shoulders quite harshly. Leehan gets the message and mans up, internally scolding himself for not having his priorities straight. He was about to get Taesan to open up like he wanted.
“You don’t love me,” Taesan mutters before opening the door, slipping away, and then slamming it shut behind him.
—
In Taesan’s eyes, his and Leehan’s relationship is like playing “he loves me, he loves me not” with a two-petal flower.
He sits by the lakefront with yet another bundle of flowers from Riwoo, given to him in hopes that he’ll feel better. All he can see in these flowers are the bouquets that Leehan had sent him weeks prior to his birthday last year.
His memories are turning gray. All of them are bittersweet; they look sweet on the outside, but the moment he chews them up ‘till there’s nothing left to uncover, he realizes how sour they really are.
The bouquets weren’t a thought-out plan. They were Leehan’s last resort since he had a bunch of games that week. Taesan never saw through his act because he was so blindsided by the love he was receiving.
He looks down at the flowers on his lap only to feel that the way they’re arranged resembles Leehan’s facial features. Taesan’s face morphs into one of displeasure and he grabs a handful of the flowers roughly, standing up to get closer to the vast lake.
He looks between the flowers in his hand and the lake before him for a moment, trying to decide whether she should scream his lungs out or do things the peaceful way.
He chooses the latter, feeling too weak to exhaust himself anymore. He takes one of the many flowers in his left palm and snaps the stem in half, his boyfriend ’s face coursing through his mind.
“I hate soccer,” he whispers, throwing the dismembered flower into the lake before him. It floats atop the water and holds onto the last straws of life before fading entirely, rushing along with the current.
He snaps another and says, “I hate feeling unloved.”
And another.
“I hate his friends.”
The flower drops into the water, lifeless and withered from just its stem being torn apart. It seems as though that one vulnerable, green strand of hope is all that the petals put their faith into. And just as easily as the petals trust their stem, it will break and kill them all.
The final flower is now in both of his hands and he looks at it with remorse. Taesan hesitates for no longer than two seconds before snapping it apart into three separate pieces.
“I hate Kim Donghyun.”
His confidence topples as he throws the last flower into the lake. He stares down into the contents of it and watches as the pieces of stems and petals and leaves float away beautifully.
How is it possible that something can remain so beautiful even after being torn apart?
The world goes quiet as if it taunts Taesan’s ability to think of that question at all.
Taesan kicks off his slip-on shoes, leaving him in just his socks. The same socks that Leehan gave him a few months ago after accidentally losing his other pair in the wash. They deserve to be torn like the flowers. They deserve to fade away into the depths of the water like Taesan’s love for Leehan.
Taesan looks at the water. It taunts him luringly.
“Will you love me?” he asks the inanimate water. The water swishes in a side-to-side motion in response and Taesan hums lowly, satisfied with the answer.
He steps into the water without a second thought, wincing at the cold temperature of its body. He goes deeper into the large summit and succumbs to the chilling sensation.
He goes further and further until the water tickles just under his nose. He closes his eyes and tries to remember what Leehan looks like over the sounds of the water’s aggressive movement.
Taesan gives up quickly and slowly goes lower into the water, his whole face submerged with the dim, blue substance. He is free.
He knows this will not be the way he dies. Riwoo is too much of a worrier for that and he’ll probably ring up Leehan to curse him out sooner or later anyway.
The water greets him like an old friend, enveloping him in an ironically warm yet manipulative hug. Taesan smiles at the feeling and relaxes his body.
This is not his first time drowning.
—
Whispers. Rumors. Lies.
Though most tales told in the hallways of a school are not true, these just might be.
“Han Dongmin tried drowning himself” this and “ I heard he likes it” that. Perhaps he does like it, and perhaps he will do it again and again until the water brings him nothing but pruned fingers and a wet head of hair to sleep on at night.
“Lee Sanghyeok.” Leehan slams Riwoo’s locker door shut in front of his face. As far as Riwoo is concerned, he seems to have found out about Taesan’s weird coping mechanism.
“Kim Donghyun.” Riwoo appears unfazed by Leehan’s grand entrance and it annoys the latter severely. He and Taesan are one and the same—two morbidly monotone people.
“How is it that I, Kim Donghyun, the boyfriend of Han Dongmin, am one of the last people to find out that he tried to kill himself ?” Leehan’s eyes widen as he emphasizes his own words. Riwoo stares at him with an unmoving, unimpressed expression.
“He didn’t try to kill himself. He just gave into what you and your friends have been saying.” Riwoo exposes blatantly, unbeknownst to the chaos he’s unleashed in Leehan’s head.
“Me? What did I do?” Leehan is baffled, to say the least. It seems he still doesn’t understand his faults even after being slapped in the face by the repercussions of them one too many times.
“You didn’t do anything about your friends even when they insulted Taesan, that’s one thing.” Riwoo keeps flipping through his copy of the school newsletter as he speaks. Leehan curses his tendency to act smart even in serious situations like this.
“Well, it’s not that easy, is it?” Leehan doesn’t like the way that all eyes are on him right now. Even in his peripheral vision, he sees pairs of eyes belonging to faces he cannot name.
“When it comes to your boyfriend being bullied, I think anything should be easy. Especially if it’s breaking ties with the perpetrators.” Riwoo finally shuts his newsletter and looks up at Leehan, forcing the crowd’s gaze away. Leehan is both grateful and terrified.
“You’re being really vague right now and it’s not helping me at all.” Leehan decides to speak the truth. He can’t keep decrypting every word that leaves Riwoo’s mouth. “How am I supposed to get the Taesan I love back? Just tell me that, if you can,” he begs.
“You could try apologizing for once.” Riwoo begins. Leehan thinks he’ll go on for another hour about how to fix this mess, yet his abrupt ending leaves him astonished as usual. “But there’s no way to bring the Taesan you love back. Not after that.”
Riwoo is about to do another one of his mic-drop scenarios in which he drops the bomb and walks away right after, but Leehan catches on before he can and grips the shorter’s shoulder tightly. The thought that it might hurt doesn’t pass his mind—the vision of a teary-eyed Taesan flashes instead.
“Hold on! Riwoo,” Leehan softens his grip and eventually lets go entirely. He takes in a deep breath and chooses his words carefully. “I… Thank you.” He settles on that.
Riwoo looks at him with a smile that suggests he expected this.
“You shouldn’t be thanking me, you should be thanking my intuition.” And it’s obvious that Leehan would do this. The boy is too predictable and naïve for his own good.
“You… For what?” Leehan only lets his brain make sense of it for three seconds before giving in.
“For finding Taesan unconscious before the police found him dead.” Riwoo gives Leehan a bitter smile before averting his gaze and leaving.
Leehan gapes at the space before him, Riwoo’s short frame descending as he walks further and further. The bell had rung minutes ago and Leehan is so sure that he’ll get a scolding for this, but that’s not what’s on his mind.
“Fuck.” Leehan looks around frantically only to realize the hallway is empty. Suddenly, his backpack feels heavier than it should and before he’s aware of it, he’s sprinting to his next class regardless of the unspoken words rotting in his mind.
—
If Leehan’s luck never wanted to work before, it, for some reason, does now. He finds Taesan at a water fountain, unimpressed with how the water doesn’t seem to come out of the shoot whenever he presses the button.
Today is a day familiar to a lot of people. Particularly those who have someone to love and care for. The 14th of February—Valentine’s Day.
If Leehan was more focused on Taesan, maybe they would’ve spent last night planning a nice date for the next evening instead of distancing themselves like two North Pole magnets.
Before Taesan can sigh and turn away like he usually does when he’s disappointed with something, Leehan comes out of his hiding spot in the corner. The time to talk is now and the brown-haired guy is afraid he’ll lose the opportunity if he lurks for too long.
Taesan senses someone coming behind him and pauses everything he’s doing. With his frozen posture, even taking in a shallow breath would be doing too much.
“Taesan,” Leehan calls out softly. His hand lingers over Taesan’s shoulder, an icy cold feeling tracing his entire frame. “Please, talk to me,” he begs.
Taesan breathes out and turns around, not expecting anyone other than Leehan to be on the opposing side. His face displays total boredom and Leehan can tell the guy doesn’t want to talk to him.
“Why? You already said enough last time.” Taesan mutters. He eyes Leehan’s hand, which is still outstretched for reasons far beyond the latter’s understanding, and sighs.
Taesan’s words practically shoot Leehan right in the chest. They offend him. He does care about Taesan. He cares about him very much.
“I really didn’t want to hurt you with what I said. If I had realized earlier how much my friends’ words had affected you, I would have let them go way sooner.” Leehan’s face displays ultimate sorrow and sympathy; not overdramatically, but to the point where Taesan feels, even for a second, that Leehan wants to apologize.
“Are you suggesting that you still haven’t let them go?” Out of everything he hears in Leehan’s apology, referring to his perpetrators as “friends” probably hurt the most. Taesan will not forgive those people and he can’t believe Leehan would even think twice about doing the same.
“No, no, I just… I fumbled with my words, but please—hear me out.” Leehan sounds exasperate like he’s desperate to hold onto the fraction of Taesan’s old self that he still has left. “I want to apologize. I want to bring back the person who looked at me with adoration. I want you .” Leehan’s voice cracks with his compassion.
Taesan’s dull expression almost breaks away. But he cannot let himself forget just how deep this cut goes into their relationship; Leehan never cared for him. Taesan had noticed that way too long ago for it to be forgivable now.
He was made oblivious by the love he got from Leehan. So much so that the fine line between right and wrong had been blurred, his morals scattered by imperative markings to his heart.
Leehan, noticing that Taesan has yet to respond, shuffles in his spot and tries searching for an early answer in the other’s eyes. He finds not even an inkling of such a thing and tries to pry one out.
“They hurt you. I know they did. Those scorpions ’ words can sting but please, don’t let them get to your head, and don’t think that I don’t love you.”
Leehan can feel tears brimming in his eyes but he can’t let his pain show. He hurt Taesan and he vows to keep the narrative that way because it’s all he knows is true.
“I love you. I love you with all my heart and it pained me so much to know that you tried drowning yourself the other day.” Leehan whispers, stepping closer to Taesan whose face grows skeptical at his words.
“Drowning myself? The lake is an old friend—if anyone has been, at the very least, accepting of me lately, it’s been the water.”
Leehan tries his best to decipher Taesan’s heavily cryptic message. He almost fails before he remembers what Riwoo had said about this being a coping mechanism of Taesan’s and how that wasn’t the first time it had happened.
Clearing his throat, Leehan makes it a note to understand Taesan to the best of his ability. He croaks, “W-well, I understand that now, but it was horrifying. Especially since you’ve never told me anything like that before.”
Taesan can only shake his head at the words. Leehan doesn’t want to know if it’s out of spite or ridicule because the waves of emotions are hitting him like rocks.
“I want to know you, truly. I’ll love you no matter what. I don’t care if those scorpions call you the worst of names. I’d— I’d love you even if you were a worm, Taesan.” Leehan slips in a little humor to try and win Taesan back like how he initially did at their first meeting. Luckily, the guy snorts a little.
“What else have they done?” Taesan encourages, eyebrows raising. Leehan can’t see how he finds the news amusing now that it’s coming from his mouth instead of theirs.
What Leehan doesn’t know is that it’s a facade—Taesan hopes that whatever Leehan says will prove him wrong. So wrong that he can forge a new belief and continue loving Leehan as he once did.
“I’m— They tried to get me to break up with you many times. Those wannabe-frat parties and after-game celebrations were hell .” Leehan groans at the mere thought of the events. “They would fight with each other and even me so I could break up with you,” he confesses, looking downward shamefully.
“They fought with you … So you could break up with me ?” This is the most emotion Taesan has shown in the past few weeks. His eyebrows are furrowed and his voice cracks in confusion.
“...Yes.” Leehan exhales.
“And you still tolerated everything they did? Everything they said to me? Did you even try to stop it ?” Taesan shows just as much emotion as at the start of their conversation, a skeptical undertone hiding with every word. Leehan feels the stab of his criticism.
“I couldn’t. I would have no one.”
There is something wrong with that sentence. Leehan feels wrong saying it and it sounds wrong coming from his mouth more than anyone else’s.
Taesan just looks. He doesn’t react outwardly, doesn’t open his mouth—he looks. He gazes at Leehan with dead eyes, a decision forming behind mahogany irises that hold little to no compassion like they once did.
“Tell them they won.” he finally speaks, scaring Leehan who expected nothing further. He’s out of his mental trance and now everything seems scarily real—it is real.
“What?” Leehan chuckles nervously, scratching the palms of his hands. He wants to scratch away his mistakes to reveal an unscathed layer of purity. If only he could turn back time.
“Tell the scorpions that they won .” Taesan sneers, his hands balling up into fists at his sides. Leehan can barely focus on that because his boyfriend is pushing him off the cliff of anxiety right now.
“What do you mean? Taesan-ah?” The long-haired boy’s pupils shake as he watches a sickly apologetic smile fade onto Taesan’s face.
His eye bags are darker than he remembers and his hair isn’t styled like it usually is. This is who Leehan has made Taesan into.
“I held on tight just to end up stung. I really tried, Leehan.” Taesan’s eyes come back to life with the formation of crystal tears. Leehan’s quivering eyes match Taesan’s teary ones, the same ones that he wished to never see after some point in their relationship.
“Happy Valentine’s Day, Leehan,” Taesan mutters softly. A goodbye, tainting their stained-glass portrait a muddy gray forever. It is stagnant.
Leehan panics after letting the words process in his head. He rushes to grab Taesan’s shoulder, to reassure him of what was misunderstood. He cannot let Taesan go. He cannot live his life under stormy clouds and cut-throat conversations.
But Taesan only shrugs his hand off. He cannot have what is not his touching him any longer. He cannot forge this past life into his present body.
His tears are icy cold on his cheeks, a cold reminder that he is learning to let go.
“Taesan-ah, please,” Leehan whispers, speeding up his pace to match Taesan’s. “I love you, Taesan. God, please !” he cries loudly, pain evident in his tone.
Yet Taesan only starts to walk faster. And faster. And faster.
And then, as Leehan blinks to rid himself of the tears, he is gone.
Taesan is gone. He slipped right through the cracks between Leehan’s fingers.
A hollow clapping sound comes from across the hall. Leehan turns, his tears now running hot and burning through his skin. He sees Riwoo, straight-faced yet so, so amused.
Leehan glares at him with angered eyes. He stares so hard that horns start to sprout from the shorter’s head. Riwoo is the reason why this is happening.
But no, he is wrong. Riwoo was only trying to help him.
Leehan is out of options. He has nobody to turn to, nobody to blame.
He slides down against the lockers noisefully, the rigid edges scratching his back unapologetically. He hides his tearful face in his hands with his knees up to his chest, only wanting to hide away from the world.
“Dongmin-ah…” He sobs remorsefully into his hands, chanting the name that once responded sweetly to him.
Suffocating and drowning are two different phenomena, yet somehow, they still feel the same.
Kim Donghyun and Han Dongmin were two different people, yet somehow, they still felt the same.