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Zhang Hao has accomplished a lot in his life so far. He doesn’t come from a lot, but through his hard work and dedication, he graduated from a prestigious university with his masters and then moved to a new country to pursue his dream of being an idol, all of which he succeeded before the age of 24. Debuting was one of the main goals he set out for himself and accomplishing that felt a milestone. Especially with Hanbin by his side.
Zerobaseone has been a group for almost a year and a half now, which is almost unfathomable to comprehend. It really does feel like the finale was just yesterday when his name was called for the final lineup. Time flies by too fast when you’re having fun, and also when things have barely slowed down since their debut. He loves being a member of his group in nearly every aspect: singing, dancing, performing, and spending quality time together.
Zhang Hao is grateful to have debuted as a member of Zerobaseone, but sometimes he wishes things could just slow down.
As of the last few months it has been nonstop. Between two different comebacks, filming variety content, going to China for a sponsorship, photoshoots, and tour preparations, he’s lucky that he has any time left for himself. That any of the members do for that matter. As one of the oldest in the group he considers himself as someone the younger members can lean on when things get tough. He’s also the one who stays strong for Hanbin, who’s too overwhelmed and anxious most nights and needs Zhang Hao to comb his fingers through his hair to fall asleep.
But what happens when he’s the one sinking below the surface?
It strikes in the middle of the night. Zhang Hao stirs awake and his mind is already racing and his chest feels tight. He sits upright and massages a hand over his chest in an attempt to loosen whatever is clutching so tightly around his beating vessel. His body is coated in a thin layer of perspiration, which would usually be normal in the hot Korean summers, but this is a different kind of night sweat. He’s overheating, yet there’s shivers that run down his entire body.
His eyes have hardly adjusted to the dark room before he thrusts the covers over his body and leaps out of bed, nearly tangling his feet in the duvet. “Hanbin-ah,” he mumbles to himself. If anyone had eyes on him right now they would think he looks as desperate as he sounds, but Zhang Hao cares very little about that at the moment. All he wants is to be in the younger’s presence, not even knocking on the door before pushing his way inside.
Zhang Hao crawls onto Hanbin’s bed, shaking his shoulder. “Hanbin-ah, I think I’m having a heart attack.”
The younger stirs and elicits a small whimper. He slowly comes to, “Hao-hyung? What are you doing here?”
“I think I’m having a heart attack,” Zhang Hao repeats with more urgency. The way he hovers over the sleepy leader must look terrifying, especially when making such bold claims.
“What?” Hanbin shoots up in bed, suddenly wide awake. “What do you mean? What’s going on?”
“I don’t know either. I just—” Zhang Hao immediately starts to cry. The dam breaks and hot tears make their way down his cheeks. He clutches both hands over his chest, “My chest feels tight and I woke up in a cold sweat. There’s something wrong with me.”
Zhang Hao isn’t sure why but the younger’s once panicked face lightens a bit. “Oh, jagi. You’re okay, come here.” Hanbin shifts closer to the wall and opens his legs wide for Zhang Hao to fill the space in his lap, wrapping his arms around him in a hug. “It’s okay.”
He doesn’t feel very okay, contrary to Hanbin’s words. Regardless, he rests his head against Hanbin’s chest and focuses on his breathing. “I think–” he starts. He inhales deeply, allowing the air to enter his lungs. “It’s just been hard.”
Something like regret flashes in Hanbin’s eyes. “I meant to check with you sooner. I could tell you’ve been having a hard time. It’s the same reason I spent a few hours with Gyuvin yesterday morning.”
Our attentive leader, he thinks fondly. Alas, it only makes him cry harder. Zhang Hao can’t deny that it comforts him to know that even though he wasn’t saying anything, that the other always just knows. It’s been harder to keep smiles on for the cameras, and maybe his exhaustion has actually been showing in the group content they have been filming. He frets for his image and the onslaught of hate messages he’s going to receive on Chat+ about it if that’s the case. He nuzzles his face further into Hanbin’s chest.
Zhang Hao knows these kinds of things are warranted when you’re an idol but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. Humans weren’t built to digest so much negativity, and it’s certainly starting to weigh on him. That, on top of his physical and mental exhaustion, he doesn’t think he can fathom one more day of this life. He would never quit; he’s worked too hard to be where he is and he also loves his group too much. He loves being an idol more than he is tired.
“It’s a lot,” says Zhang Hao. “The company takes advantage of our success. Our contracts are temporary, so they want to utilize us as much as they can. At the expense of all of our well beings.”
“I know, jagi,” Hanbin coos. He runs his fingers through the shorter strands of the hair by his neck. It’s his sweet spot, goosebumps blooming down his arms. “It’s frustrating that as the leader I can’t do more for the members. That I can’t do more for you.”
Zhang Hao’s heart cracks. “It’s not your fault, Hanbin-ah,” he cries. “None of us blame you.”
“Yeah, I know. It just sucks,” sighs the younger.
“Can we just . . . sit in silence for a few minutes?”
“Of course.”
For Zhang Hao to wake up in the middle of the night thinking he was in major need of medical attention means that something is seriously wrong. This shouldn’t have to happen—it should have never gotten to this point.
He regrets not coming to Hanbin sooner. Hanbin, someone who means the world to him and has been there for him in everything—but that’s precisely the problem. As the leader, he is there for everyone, and Zhang Hao knows just how much the younger spreads himself thin. The two of them have actually been in this exact predicament before, just with the roles reversed.
Zhang Hao didn’t want to add more to his plate, no matter how ridiculous Hanbin would have claimed he was being. The fact of the matter is that if he wasn’t going to tell the leader, then he should have told someone.
The older is pulled from his thoughts when Hanbin presses kisses behind his ear and down the length of his neck. It leaves him boneless and unable to focus on anything else. He giggles wetly, wiping his cheeks with the long sleeves of his sweatshirt.
“I need you to promise me that the next time you feel overwhelmed like this that you tell me, okay?” Hanbin whispers. “I don’t want to be awoken like this in the middle of the night again.”
Zhang Hao feels his heart drop. The panic must also be present on his face because Hanbin is quickly retracting his chosen words. “I mean that I don’t want your stress to get to this point and for this to never happen again.”
“Okay, baobei,” the older sighs. “I usually reach out to you for things, I just feel like I haven’t had the chance. It’s truly been non stop these days.”
Hanbin kisses the crown of his head. “Are you feeling any better now?” He peppers kisses down to Zhang Hao’s collarbone that have him shivering, now for a different reason. “Did you need anything else before we go back to sleep?”
Zhang Hao feels immensely better since coming into the room. He doesn’t think he needs anything else right now besides a good night’s sleep spent by the other’s side. Until something worth offering comes to mind.
“How about some Zero Cola?”