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The first thing A-Ying remembers is Shizun’s face. Her mother’s face has long since been lost to the sands of time, but Shizun’s face, the very first time he holds her as a baby, is forever engraved in her mind.
(“A-Jiu, A-Jiu, Jiu-ge, I’m so happy you’re here! Come meet A-Ying. A-Ying, can you wave hi to Jiu-ge, can you wave? Such a good girl, such a smart girl, my little A-Ying is. A-Jiu, do you want to hold her?”
“Already trying to foist your spawn off on me, are you, meimei?”
“The sooner, the better, I say! Now you keep her for a bit, I haven’t had a break in days! Oh look at her smiling, look at her A-Jiu!”)
--
The first time A-Ying enters Qing Jing peak, Shizun carries her up the mountain. She is a big girl, too old to be held like a baby. But she is also heartbroken from saying goodbye to her mother, tired from crying and begging her mother to not leave her. She is too young still to really understand the cruelty of life as a courtesan, she doesn’t understand why her mother is leaving her for a man.
(She doesn’t know that the only reason her mother accepted was because Shen Qingqiu had offered to take her in. She doesn’t know that, until this option presented itself, her mother had two options. Accept and leave her behind to be raised a courtesan herself. Or refuse, live out the rest of her days in decline, and have to raise her to become a courtesan herself. There is little escape from this life.)
Her face is tucked close against him, her arms clinging a bit too hard. She can hear him mumbling in a soothing voice, but she doesn’t know what he is saying. Despite everything, she feels safe in his arms.
(Shen Qingqiu has so rarely known soft words and gentle hands in his life. And so, the entire way up the mountain, he grumbles, he complains. But he keeps his voice soft, his hands gentle and he hopes that that is enough.)
--
The first time Shizun gets mad on Yingying’s behalf, it’s because a boy made her cry.
“Shizun, Shizun!” Fat tears run down her cheeks as she runs up to him. “Shixiong said mean things about Yingying. He said Yingying doesn’t have a mother and that she was abandoned! It’s not true! A-niang loves Yingying! Tell him it’s not true!”
“What did that little monster say?” His tone is frigid and promises heavenly retribution. She might feel bad for the target, but she barely notices. She barely hears him.
“Tell him it’s not true, it’s not true! Yingying’s A-niang is down the mountain! Yingying’s A-niang is in the nice building with all the pretty jiejies and a-yis! Yingying wants to go see A-niang!”
At those words, he crouches down in front of her and grabs onto her arms, holding her a bit too tight. He gives her a shake, calling her name.
“You didn’t tell him that, did you? Yingying, Yingying, this is important, listen to me.” He gives her a few moments to calm down and focus on him. “You didn’t tell him about the pretty jiejies and a-yis and the nice building, did you?”
“No? No, I didn’t, but Shizun, you have to tell him it’s not true! Yingying’s A-niang loves her!” She doesn’t know why the jiejies and a-yis are so important, she just wants A-niang. Shizun doesn’t seem fully convinced, but relaxes slightly.
“Yes, yes, Yingying, of course your A-niang loves you very much. We just can’t go see her, or the jiejies and a-yis, do you understand? You can’t tell anyone about the jiejies and a-yis or where A-niang is, or they’ll say mean things about your A-niang. You don’t want them to be mean to your A-niang, do you?”
“No…” She sniffles a bit. She throws her arms around his shoulders and adds, a bit petulantly. “But you have to tell Shixiong it’s not true!”
“Oh, don’t worry about your Shixiong, this master will take care that he understands that Yingying’s A-niang loves her very much.” He runs a hand soothingly down her back and she shivers slightly at his tone. But she smiles with her face buried in the crook of his neck. She knows Shizun will take care of everything.
She never sees or hears from that Shixiong again.
--
The first time Yingying calls Shizun A-die, it’s a quiet evening and she is spending it in the bamboo house, as she’s done since she arrived on the mountain.
Her shixiong and shijie find her strange for doing so. Shizun is quick to anger, as likely to cut someone down with his words as he is to dole out beatings. What could possibly possess her to spend more time with him than necessary for lessons? She’s never able to explain it herself, but Shizun is and has always meant safety for her, even when he gets angry and prickly. She likes Shizun. That’s all.
It’s after dinner and Shizun is reading some boring collection of poetry or something. She’s working on a painting assignment. Shizun says her painting skills are already much better than most of the “talentless waste of space on this mountain” so she’s taking painting classes with more senior students. They’ve recently started working on painting people, the current assignment being to capture the essence of the subject with as few lines and details as possible. She already had A-Luo sitting for her earlier today and she thinks she might as well paint Shizun since he’s not moving much right now.
Shizun is very easy to paint, long elegant flowy lines for the body, sharp angles for the face. She replaces the book he holds with his typical fan because it feels wrong to paint Shizun without it. She’s actually very proud of the result when she’s done and she just has to show it to him right away.
“A-die, A-die, look! This disciple has painted you!”
He freezes, flowy lines gone rigid. An expression of utter horror spreading across his face as he unthinkingly reaches for his fan on the table. Too late to hide.
It takes her a moment to realize what she’s said.
“Ah, sorry Shizun!” She’s deeply embarrassed by the mistake, but there’s also a pit in her stomach. Is it such a bad thing to call him A-die? Does he hate it so much? He still looks horrified, even from behind the safety of his fan.
"That's... it's alright disciple Ning. Let this master see your painting."
She is very careful never to do it again.
--
The first time Yingying gets mad on behalf of her Shizun, it’s because of Qi-shishu.
She is running back to Qing Jing after spending the afternoon with her shijie on Xian Shu peak. She is a bit late for dinner and is hoping that Shizun will have waited for her before eating. Qi-shishu calls out to her as she approaches the rainbow bridge leaving Xian Shu.
“Ning-shizhi, this master has been hoping to have a word with you.”
“This disciple greets Qi-shishu!” She stops short and gives a quick bow to Qi-shishu. “What did Qi-shishu want to speak to this disciple about?”
“This master… wanted to check in with you, Ning-shizhi. Is everything ok on Qing Jing peak? This master hopes Ning-shizhi knows she is always available if Shizhi has any troubles she wishes to discuss.”
“Thanking Qi-shishu! This disciple has no issues to discuss, but will definitely come to Qi-shishu if any issues come up!”
“Are you sure? This master…” She takes a deep breath and draws herself up. “This master will be frank with you Shizhi. There are lines a man should not cross with a young lady, even if he is your Shizun. Spending so much time in the late hours of the day unchaperoned with a young lady, offering trinkets… Some things—”
“What?!” Ning Yingying is horrified by what her Shishu is implying. Accusations of impropriety against her Shizun! Against her will, her eyes water and sting. “You! How dare you! Shizun is the best to Yingying, you have no right to say that about him!”
She turns on her heel and runs off, face hot with angry tears. She runs straight to the bamboo house, full of righteous fury.
When she tells Shizun about the exchange, in between very un-lady-like cursing and unfilial accusations toward her Shishu, he doesn’t react how she expects him to. He pales and stiffens.
The next day, he escorts her to Xian Shu to make her apologize to her Shishu. He keeps a gentle hand against her back even as his expression remains stern. When Qi-shishu eyes the hand against her back, Ning Yingying feels the hand freeze and slowly retreat.
That same day, he bars her from the bamboo house.
(She remembers that day for years and years to come. A-Luo, Qi-shishu, and Liu Mingyan all take it as acknowledgment that they caught him in his lecherous ways. Torn between her affections and the many, many accusations piling against her Shizun, she accepts it. Somewhere deep within her, she still doubts.)
--
The first time Ning Yingying yells at Shizun, it’s about Luo Binghe.
“Why do you hate A-Luo so much! He’s always trying his best and he’s really nice! Why can’t you just be nicer to A-Luo!”
His face turns thunderous.
(“Xiao Jiu, A-Luo is so nice to you, why do you always make that face when you see him! You should be nicer to A-Luo.”)
“Don’t you dare bring up that beast around me. Get out!”
He does not speak to her for weeks after that. Luo Binghe’s punishments only increase.
Luo Binghe dies.
--
The first time Ning Yingying lies to Shizun, it’s also about Luo Binghe.
It’s been 5 years since A-Luo died when she sees him again. Ning Yingying very rarely leaves the mountain on missions, she’s much more scholar than cultivator and she likes it that way. She enjoys practicing the arts and sees very little appeal in going out and fighting.
But there have been rumors of a rare celestial event and she couldn’t resist going out to see it, in the hopes of capturing its beauty.
The area she’s in is supposed to be perfectly safe, it’s the only reason Shizun let her go on her own. She doesn’t realize that she isn’t the only one attracted by the possibility of this rare event. And that others do not have the same innocent reason for being here as she does.
She barely has time to react before the creature attacking her is skewered through by a pitch-black sword that reeks of resentment. Behind the creature, holding the sword, is A-Luo, alive and looming.
“A-Luo! Is… is that really you? I thought… everyone said you died! What happened, where have you been?”
She runs up to him, completely ignoring the gutted creature at his feet. He looks... different. Grown, sure. But also, more distant, darker. As she approaches, a smile blooms on his face, erasing the shadows. Her A-Luo, once more.
He tells her about the conference.
He tells her about Shen Qingqiu pushing him into the Abyss.
He tells her about the years spent clawing his way out.
(The smile never leaves his face.)
“Yingying, you can’t tell Shen Qingqiu I’m back; I don’t know what he might do to me. That man already tried to kill me once, I’ve been through hell to get back, you can’t tell him.”
Ning Yingying is still trying to wrap her head around the revelations A-Luo has just dropped on her. Shizun never liked him, it’s true. But to the point of… doing this? That’s not the Shizun she knows, it’s not.
“Yingying, please.”
But it is. And he did.
“…Alright, A-Luo. I won’t tell.”
--
The last time Ning Yingying sees the Qing Jing peak lord, he stands alone against a mob driven wild by a flurry of accusations that have been levied against him. Shen Qingqiu says nothing, does not defend himself. Only stands stiffly, fan in hand, head held high. No one on Cang Qiong’s side comes to his defense, beyond a token protest by Yue-Zhangmen.
She is standing with A-Luo, newly revealed to be alive and well. Already risen to power and half in control of Huan Hua Palace. She doesn’t know what to do. Once upon a time, she had refused to entertain even implications of impropriety from Shen Qingqiu. Now, years later, she has seen the full extent of the cruelty he is capable of, cruelty that he never once turned against her.
But was his gentleness any better? Accusations say otherwise and she doesn’t know what to believe anymore. His regard never felt dirty to her, it never felt like it was wrong. Everyone tells her she is simply too naïve, practically raised by Shen Qingqiu as she was.
She doesn’t know what to believe.
She wants…
Shizun…
(a-die?)
She turns away from the spectacle and buries her face in A-Luo’s robes.
--
The last time Ning Yingying leaves Qing Jing peak, she doesn’t yet know what A-Luo has planned for Cang Qiong.
A-Luo has only told her to pick up whatever things she has on Qing Jing. It’s a quick trip, all her belongings nicely organized in her room in the senior disciple dorms.
As she goes to leave the peak, she hesitates in front of the bamboo house. It’s been years since she last stepped foot in it, since she was last allowed in. She wonders, idly, if Shizun kept any of her childhood things. She wonders, idly, if she could go in and see, quickly.
She decides against it. There’s no point.
(Weeks, months later, Cang Qiong burns.
The bamboo forests of Qing Jing burn.
The bamboo house burns.
She goes back to sift through the wreckage. She finds nothing but ash. She regrets.)
--
The last time Yingying hugs her Shizun…
The last time Yingying calls Shizun A-die…
The last time Yingying begs her Shizun for forgiveness…
The last time Yingying sees her Shizun…
The last time…
…it’s not really her Shizun anymore.
It’s a limbless mess of a torso hanging from the ceiling in a cell in the darkest depths of the Water Prison. It stares into nothing with its one remaining eye. There is no light in that eye when she enters. There is nothing.
“Shizun? Shizun? A… A-die? Yingying is here, Yingying is so, so sorry, please, A-die, please don’t leave me, please A-die, please…”
She holds on tight, too tight, sobbing into his hair. She begs and she screams and she prays.
He doesn’t answer.
Shen Qingqiu, her Shizun, her A-die, is already dead. All that remains is a body.