Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Incorrect Quotes! By me!

Gov: How are we supposed to put a tracker the size of a penny on Florida without him noticing?
Louisiana: Hey, Florida ,I bet you 5 bucks that you can't swallow this penny. Florida: *takes and swallows tracker* Pay up, loser.
California & Gov: ...

Florida: Define “dream”.
California: Dream - the first thing people abandon when they learn how the world works.
Louisiana : That’s too dark, cher

Virginia: So, Massachusetts and Rhode Island. According to this, you two are being accused of: Armed Robbery, Vandalism, Drug Abuse, harassing British officers, burning a boat...
Rhode Island: We had a bad few years?
Virginia: And... THROWING ALL THE TEA IN THE HARBOR?! MORE THAN 100,000 POUNDS?!?!
Massachusetts: It was a pretty bad time period...

Florida: We’re getting married, bitches!
Louisiana: And we're about to make it everybody else's problem.

Maine: Help! I’m drowning!
Alaska: Calm down. We’re only in six feet of water!
Maine: NOT ALL OF US ARE TALL!

Texas: Let’s write California a friendly note, shall we? Dear... Incompetent... Dumbass...

Nevada: Pick a card, any card. Florida: Fine.
Nevada: Wait, that's my credit card!
Florida: You said any card.

*During the revolution*
Virginia: That was the worst idea ever, in all time.
Massachusetts: not my fault they decided to be intolerable with these acts

(City humans bc I said so. For some background info, there was the town of Salem and then a few miles inland, there was Salem village where the trials took place)
Salem (Village): My brothers name is just mine as well, so I'm technically Salem Village, not town.
Massachusetts: But who comes up when you look up Salem on Google?
Salem (village): …
Massachusetts: That's what I thought!
Salem (Village): One Salem to rule them all!

*At a sleepover*
Florida: Hey, did you hear that?
California: it had better be the sound of you shutting the fuck up

Florida: We have a problem.
California: Let me guess, you caused it?
Louisiana: Gimme a sec, I'm not drunk enough to listen to this yet.

CDC: CALIFORNIA!!! YOU ARE COVERD IN SECOND DEGREE BURNS!!!
California, unconcerned: And it's another Tuesday, your point?

Gov, yelling at the states: This is, WITHOUT A DOUBT, the MOST IRRESPONSIBLE thing you have EVER done!
New York: Yeah right
Texas: *snorts*
Louisiana: Remember that time when we had the contest to see who could take the best selfie- Florida: with the most dangerous animal they could find? I loved that one!
New York: I still think I should have won
California: I took a selfie with Florida!
Gov: YOU DID WHAT?
DC, waiting for Gov (his brother) to finish yelling so they can have coffee: Oh! I remember that time!

Maryland, texting California: there was a fire at the Misfit States meeting today
California, texting back: oh no! Are you okay?
Oklahoma, texting California: There was a Fire at the misfit meeting today!
California, texting back : did you start it?

Alaska: so, I have this crush
Hawaii: oh! You should tell her!
Alaska: it's... It's not a her.
Hawaii: *groans and hands California a couple bills*
California: who is it?
Alaska: (whispers) it's... Maine.
Hawaii: *groans and hands California two more bills*

New York: if you were to die, what would your last words be?
California: finally
New York: B, no...

California: Hey, did you take a bite out of the seashell shaped soap in my bathroom?
Florida, mouth full of bubbles: no
California:
Florida: ... I thought it was chocolate

Florida, visiting Gov: Hey, can I do (insert stupid and probably dangerous thing here)?
Gov: no, it's illegal
Florida: no it’s not! I checked all the laws!
Gov, texting the President: it is now.

Florida: consider: yeetbelts. Like seatbelts, but instead of keeping you IN your seat, they throw you out.
Gov, desperately shifting through flashcards: what the hell is a yeet?

Texas: I spy, with my little eye, someone who needs to shut the hell up.
California: is it me?
Texas: it's always you

California: okay, Florida! Your turn to tell a secret!
Florida: I like Louisiana
California: I said a SECRET, Florida.

Florida: please? For me?
Louisiana/r or California/p: don't do that.
Florida: do what?
California/p or Louisiana/r: you always do that "please? For me?" thing and you think I'll just do whatever you want, but not this time!
Florida:
Florida: Please? For me?
California/p or Louisiana/r: okay.

Colorado: on a scale of one to ten, you must be a nine!
Colorado: Because I'm the One you need!
Massachusetts: I'm a ten.
Colorado: wait, no, it's a pick-up line-
Massachusetts: I. AM. A. TEN.
(Context: I forget which episode but in one scene Mass shows up wearing Colorados goggles and I just kinda ran with it)

California, calling New York: Hey, York? I’ma burnt’a have a problem.
New York:
New York: California, did you accidentally light the rest of the west coast on fire again?
California: ...no....
New York: California, did you accidentally light YOURSELF on fire again?
California:
California: ...maybe?
New York: I'm on my way, keep cool and for gods sake, STAY AWAY FROM THE LIGHTER
California, under his breath: how come Massachusetts gets to play with fire and I don’t.
New York: HE’S DOING WHAT NOW
(Context: while I do think it’s a cute ship with Cali and York, I honestly really like the idea of York being somewhat parental to Cali. I may do some quotes that ship them, but for the most part it will be like this. And then for the thing with Mass, bc of the thing abt witches being burnt at the stake, I have decided he can be a pyromaniac along with Cali, Flo, and Ari. Fight me)

California: if Texas’ got beef with me, tell him I'm a vegan and I'm not fucking scared of him

Nevada: I can show you a magic trick!
Massachusetts: Really? Show me.
Nevada: Is this your card?
Massachusetts, horrified and frantically pointing at the person: WITCH!! WITCH!
(Can’t decide between Mass being absolutely paranoid of magic or being a witch himself. I think it’ll be a mix of both that with me, alternates with how I feel. Lore-wise however, I think it will have to do with how his mental states is at the moment. That, or the time period)

Massachusetts: East coast people pass Midwest people in a store and the Midwest people will strike up a conversation and the East Coast people will get all creeped out because of how weird strangers are trying to ask them questions when they're just minding their own business.
Massachusetts: I'm East Coast people.
Minnesota: I'm Midwest people.
Minnesota: Hows that local weather been treating you, huh? Hoo boy, I've sure been experiencing local circumstances :]
Massachusetts: *crouches to a defensive stance in the middle of fucking costco*
(This is from somewhere on tumbler but I don’t know who. Just look up Wttt Massachusetts on tumblr and you should find stuff like this and hopefully this as well)

Texas: Oklahoma! My arch-nemesis!
California: I thought I was your arch nemesis
Texas: I have a life outside you, California

California: Gov! My arch nemesis!
Texas: I thought I was your arch nemesis
California: I have a life outside you Texas
(I am aware that this is the same but flipped but I just really like it)

Texas : would you shoot your best friend in the leg for 10,000 dollars?
Florida : you shoot me in the leg, and get 10,000, and I'll shoot you in the leg and will also get 10,000
Louisiana: genius

Florida: I'm too tough to cry
California: you were crying over snakes a few minutes ago Florida: *tearing up* they have no arms!

New Jersey: would you rather kill England or-
Massachusetts: Yes, kill him.
New York: he didn't even say the other option
Massachusetts: doesn't matter. I don't need to hear it.
England, over in Europe, across the ocean: I am suddenly feeling unsafe

Virginia: Is that man bothering you?
New York / Maine / Connecticut / any state that we feel are siblings: yes, but he's my brother so I don't get a choice.
Massachusetts/ any you think is a sibling: *being a pain in the ass*

DC: when I said "bring me back something from the beach" I mean a seashell or something!
Maryland, struggling to hold an angry Maryland crab : well you should have specified that, then!

One of the states (probs Jersey (Jersey devil) or Florida (self explanatory): *doodling pentagram on his paperwork*
Massachusetts, kicking down the door: what the FUCK do you want?

Alabama: is he always like this when he loses?
Delaware: oh yeah. You should have been there for The Great Jenga Tantrum.
Mary, Mass, Cal, or Tex (couldn’t decide): YOU BUMPED THE TABLE AND YOU KNOW IT!

Texas : you might actually be the most annoying person I know.
California: "might be"? MIGHT be? You have someone else?

Ohio: don't say a word.
Mississippi: Fergalicious
Ohio: I said don't say a word!
Mississippi:oh I see. Two weeks ago when we were playing scrabble it wasn't a word, but it is now that it's convenient to you

California: *answering phone* hello?
Florida: did you know I'm on BuzzFeed unsolved?
California:
California: it's Litterally 3 am-
Florida: shut up you weren’t asleep anyway

Virginia, crying: Gov, please revoke the "no swearing" rule
England: why?
Georgia, somewhere in the house: Well that just dills my pickle
Maryland, somewhere outside : what the Frick frack tic tac patty wack Snick snack is that? *loud shatter downstairs*
DC : what did you just say, you sentient doorknob? I'll shred your shoes
Pennsylvania: you have a problem? I'll kick your Rocky road, you mint chocolate chipettte!
Gov:
Gov: what the fuck

California, narrating: Here we have a set of good siblings
Hawaii: thanks for sharing statehouse tea with me, Alaska.
Alaska: it was fun, thanks
California: and here we have the disaster siblings
Massachusetts / Gov: *throwing rocks at Korea* STAY! AWAY! YOU! DEMON!
Maine / DC: LET ME LOVE YOU
(So for this I think Alaska and Hawaii would kinda see themselves as siblings but aren’t biological. For Mass and Maine, cause Maine split off from Mass they would be brothers. I’m not sure if it’s cannon or not for DC and Gov to be siblings but I don’t care. Fight me)

Louisiana: do you take constructive criticism? California: I only take cash or credit

Massachusetts: stop freaking out! England died of natural causes
The other 13 colonies: you pushed him off the roof!
Massachusetts: gravity is natural

Virginia : you know what they say, when life gives you lemons-
New York: squirt them in life's eyes.
New Jersey: Steal life's wallet and assume its identity.
Massachusetts: You are now life and hold dominion over all, your enemies cower before you Virginia: It's make lemonade guys, what the fuck?
Massachusetts: That’s too fucking nice. Life hasn’t fucking earned that yet.
New Jersey & New York : *murmurs of agreement*

DC: so, do you guys have any hobbies?
Maryland: sailing
New Jersey: needlework
Louisiana: cooking
Minnesota: hockey
Massachusetts: I like to stare directly into security cameras so that the government knows I'm watching them.
Everyone:
DC: actually, I like doing that too. Always freaks Gov the fuck out.

Gov: what were the three most historically important revolutions.
The original 13 states: American
The former french states: French
Texas: Texas

Massachusetts:my cooking is so fabulous even the smoke alarm is cheering me on

New Jersey: so what do you have planned for Valentine's day?
New York: murder

Massachusetts: standing next to sunflowers always makes me feel weak. Look at this fucking flower? The flower is taller than I am. The flower is winning and I'm losing.
New York: wow you are not ready to hear about trees

*Massachusetts, screaming about god knows what and breaking things in a fit of rage (this is right after the intolerable acts are made)
Most of the 13 colonies+Britain who’s fearing for his life: how, the ever loving fuck does that much rage fit into someone so short…
(Cause Massachusetts is one of the smallest states by landmass, I feel like he’d be kinda short. So like maybe 5’3.)

Gov: imagine if someone passed you a box of all the things you've lost during your life
New York: it would be nice to get my sense of purpose back.
DC: my childhood innocence! Thanks for finding this!
California: my will to live! Havent seen this for centuries!
Florida: I knew I lost that potential somewhere!
Massachusetts: mental stability, my old friend!
Gov: um guys? Can you lighten up a bit?

Gov : Where's Florida?
Texas : doing stuff
England: oh I don’t like the sound of that. Where's California?
Texas: trying to stop Florida from doing stuff
Gov: oh no. Where's Louisiana?
Texas: trying to stop Canada from stopping America from doing stuff.
England: I see. And why are you here?
Texas: I'm supposed to be stopping you from stopping Louisiana from stopping California from stopping Florida from doing stuff

*after the battle of Lexington and Concord*
Massachusetts, laying on a cot with a fever and in a delirious state: I wasn't hurt thattt badly. Virginia Said all my bleeding is internal.
Massachusetts: that's where the blood is supposed to be!
New York: Mass…no…

*Everyone is standing around the broken coffee maker* Massachusetts: So. Who broke it? I'm not mad, I just wanna know. Everyone:
Maryland: ...I did. I broke it.
Massachusetts: No. No you didn't. New York?
New York: Don't look at me. Look at New Jersey.
New Jersey: What?! I didn't break it.
New York: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
New Jersey: Because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
New York: Suspicious.
New Jersey: No, it's not!
Rhode Island: If it matters, probably not, but Virginia was the last one to use it.
Virginia: Liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Rhode Island: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Virginia: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Rhode!
Maryland: Okay let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Mass.
Massachusetts: No! Who broke it!?
Everyone:
Connecticut: Massachusetts... New Hampshire’s been awfully quiet.
New Hampshire: rEALLY?!
*Everyone starts arguing*
Massachusetts, being interviewed: I broke it. I burned my hand so I punched it.
Massachusetts: I predict 10 minutes from now they'll be at each other's throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig head on a stick.
Maine & Vermont walking in:
Massachusetts: Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.
Maine & vermont: *backs out slowly*

Chapter Text

California: I hope no one lowkey hates me.
California: Highkey hate me. Hate me with every fiber of your being.
California: Go big or go home.

Massachusetts, making coffee: This is going to fix everything.

Massachusetts, discovering coffee after only drinking tea all his life: you’re gonna fix my whole life you little shit

California or New York: I’m fine. It’s just that life is pointless and nothing matters and I’m always tired.

Florida: The waiter at Olive Garden has been grating my cheese for 6 hours now, waiting for me to say when. Customers are screaming.
Three people have died.
Florida: I will not yield.
(I chose Florida for this one for two reasons. One, it’s Florida. He would do this. Secondly I chose him because the first Olive Garden opened in Orlando Florida back in 1982 so it fits)

New York: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.

Massachusetts: I'm not funny, I'm just really mean and people think I'm joking.

Florida: It's not like I try to blow things up, exactly. It just sort of happens. You've got to admit though, fire is fascinating.

Alaska, to Texas: I'd make fun of your height but there isn't enough to make fun of.

Utah: I'm against crime, and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
Florida: Me too! Except I’m not against crime!

Utah: Say no to drugs.
Colorado: Say yes to drugs.
California: It doesn't matter if you say yes or no to drugs, cause if you're talking to drugs... then you're on drugs.

Colorado: Yeah, I'm smoke a joint tonight, but I won’t get too crazy.
*proceeds to get arrested for blocking the road in large traffic cone costumes*

California: Yeah, well I've never died so how do I know that god is real.

Florida: Hello friends!
The rest of the south:
Florida: You might be wondering why I’m taped to the ceiling

California/ York ordering food: What are you in the mood for?
Florida / Massachusetts: World domination.
California/ York: That's a bit ambitious…
Florida / Massachusetts:
Florida / Massachusetts: country domination

*California has to leave for a meeting and Florida is staying home alone. This is during Florida Man In SoCal which I love and will likely keep as the main residence of Florida*
California, giving Florida instructions: If the thought of something makes any of you giggle for longer than 15 seconds, you are to assume you’re not allowed to do it.

*California after getting back from the meeting*
California:
California: Florida why are Massachusetts and New Jersey sitting in my living room
Florida: You told me to satanize the place!
California:
California: Florida I said sanitize…

Florida: All right, Utah, that’s it, you’re grounded! I found a rap album hiding under your bed and it was the clean version. I didn’t raise you to be such a nerd! 
Utah: I’m not even your kid-

Massachusetts and/or Florida: If you aren't someone the church wanted dead 300 years ago, are you really living?

Texas: Hey, do you know the password to California’s computer? 
Maryland: Fuck you, Texas. 
Texas: Hey!! 
Maryland: No, you misunderstood, the password is "fuckyouTexas". 
Texas: Oh, no numbers? Not very safe.

*The states using an Ouija board* 
Louisiana: Tell us… Is there a spirit in this house? 
Spirit, through the board: YES. 
California: Great! Rent is due on the first of the month. 
Maryland: Oh, and movie night is on Friday if you want to hang out. 
Spirit: WAIT, WHAT—

Louisiana: Unpopular opinion, not all gators are good boys. 
Florida: Blocked. 
Louisiana: Sometimes, they’re good girls! 
Florida: UNBLOCKED!

Murderer: Any last words? 
Maryland: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest.

Massachusetts: *finds a note* Hmm, whats this? 
Florida: Hey, that's mine! *tries to grab it* 
Massachusetts: Aww, it's a love note for Louisiana? 
Florida: No- 
Massachusetts: *opens it* 
Massachusetts: 
Florida: 
Massachusetts: I can't read this.

New York: I know you love them. 
Pennsylvania: I am not in love with Massachusetts! 
New York, staring at Pennsylvania: I never said who... 
Pennsylvania: *realizes* 
Pennsylvania: Shit. Well, anyways-

Maryland: I drink to forget but I always remember. 
Minnesota: You're drinking orange juice.

Ohio: Detective! The man belonged to some kind of cult that worshipped a divine forest creature with antlers and that’s how he met his end. 
Minnesota: Dear God! 
Ohio: Yeah! Exactly!

Alaska: That’s the longest worm I’ve ever seen. 
Maine: That’s a snake.

Mississippi: So, what are we doing? 
Gov: Wasting our lives. 
Mississippi: I meant for lunch...

Indiana: Connecticut won’t come out of their room! 
Mississippi: Just tell them I said something. 
Indiana: Like what? 
Mississippi: Anything factually incorrect. 
Indiana, shrugging: If you say so. 
Connecticut, arriving moments later: Did you just say the sun is a PLANET?

*The gang is learning CPR on a test dummy* 
Massachusetts: So, assessing the situation. Are they breathing? 
Virginia: No, Massachusetts. They are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs. 
Massachusetts: No, that’s not part of it— 
Virginia: Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what kind of quality of life do we have there? 
California: I would want to live with no legs. 
Virginia: How about no arms? No arms or legs is basically how you exist right now, California. You don’t do anything. 
Massachusetts: All right, well, lets get back to it. ‘Cause you’re losing him. 
Virginia: *pumps frantically* 
Massachusetts: Okay, too fast. Everyone, we need to pump at a pace of a 100 beats per minute. 
Virginia: Okay, that’s uh, hard to keep track. How many is that per hour? 
Maine: How’s that gonna help you? 
Virginia: I will divide and then count to it. 
Maine: Right. 
Massachusetts: Okay. Well, a good trick is to pump to the tune of ‘Staying Alive’ by the Bee Gees. Do you know that song? 
Virginia: Yes, yes I do. I love that song. *clears throat, begins to sing* First I was afraid, I was petrified.

*In a group chat* 
Massachusetts: A pegan just flew into my window. 
Mississippi: Pegan? 
California: A what? 
Utah: Ah yes, my favourite bird, Pegan. 
Maine: I thought you said penguin for a second, LMAO! 
Utah: Just a normal day with flying penguins crashing into my window. 
Maine: You have pigeons flying into your window? Can't relate, I have penguins flying into my window. 
Massachusetts: I literally just made a typo-

Gov: Virginia just said "I have an appetite for destruction" and then they reached down and untied my shoe.

Literally almost all of the states: Self-care is suppressing all your trauma until it comes back and hits you in the face with the force of 7 very large trucks.

Chapter Text

Gov: if there are 7 chairs and ten states, what do you do?
New York: make everyone stand
California: bring three more?
Florida: top seven can sit
Massachusetts: kill three

Massachusetts: BE A BETTER PERSON!
Pennsylvania: WHY?!
Massachusetts: BECAUSE SOMEONE NEEDS TO HAVE MORALS IN THIS RELATIONSHIP AND IT SURE AS FUCK AIN'T GONNA BE ME SWEETHEART!

Florida: I am a being of pure chaos and destruction.
Louisiana: I know this, and I love you for it.

New Jersey: Wow you look amazing today
New York, completely roughed up and filthy: Thanks, it’s a new look I’m going for, it’s called “I need a break and probably medical treatment”

Tennessee: Put. The. Knife. Down.
Georgia: why? I’m making peach cobbler.
Tennessee: Yes and you’ve made peach cobbler everyday for the last week.

*During the revolution*
Virginia: You can’t just set all your problems on fire
Rhode Island, after getting back from burning one of the British’s ships: You’d be surprised how pretty a burning boat at night could be…

California: Hello people who do not live here. And Florida
Louisiana: Hey.
New York: Hi.
DC: Hello.
Florida: Hey!
California: I gave you the key to my place for emergencies only!
Florida: They were out of Doritos!
(Yet another from Florida Man In SoCal)

Gov, running the state meeting: WHY. Why did you give Florida a KNIFE?!
Louisiana: I’m sorry. He said he felt unsafe.
Gov: Now I feel unsafe!
Louisiana: I’m sorry.
Louisiana: ... would you like a knife?

North Dakota: Good responses for being stabbed with a knife?
California: Rude.
Florida: That’s fair.
Mississippi: Not again.
New York: Are you going to want this back?
ND: NO-
(So context for Sippi: Mississippi has the most reported homicides per year)

Store Worker: Would a Mr. Cal please come to the front desk?
California, arriving at the desk: Hello, is there a problem?
Store Worker: points to Florida and Louisiana
Store Worker: I believe they belong to you?
Florida and Louisiana simultaneously: We got lost
California: I didn’t even bring you guys here with me-

*states reactions to being told ‘I love you’*
Florida: Thanks fam!
California: Oh no..I’m so sorry
Louisiana: Aw cher, I love you too
Massachusetts: Sounds fake but okay
Gov: *A panicked mess*
New York: can I get a refund?
(I feel like Gov wouldn’t really know how to handle emotions and shit like that)

Hawaii: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?
Alaska: *turning to Texas* How tall are you?

*The northeast states having dinner together*
New Hampshire: New York can you pass the salt?
New York! *Throws Massachusetts across the table*

Florida holding a python: Guys I impulsively brought home a snake what do I name him
Kansas, fearing for his life: You did WHAT–
Louisiana: William Snakepeare.
(I went with Kansas cause statistically Kansas has the most people with a phobia of snakes’

Massachusetts: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.
Virginia: Mass no.
Massachusetts: Mistlefoe.
New York: *Claps*
Gov: Please stop encouraging him New York

*california running late for a meeting*
Gov: California isn’t answering his phone
Florida: I’ll call
Gov: Nevada and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-
California: what did you do?

Two kinda of siblings:
Florida: California I'm sad.
California: *Holds out arms for a hug* It’s going to be okay.
DC: Gov I'm sad.
Gov nodding: mood.

Now for some more angsty ones

Texas, after California had a breakdown: it’s okay. i’m here.
California: it’s funny how you, of all people, are saying that to me…
Texas: just because I like to make fun of you doesn’t mean i’m not human.

California, in a small and broken voice: Please don’t go…i can’t handle being left behind again *Texas turning to spit out a snide remark, but he bit hi tongue when he saw Californias eyes filling with tears.
California: Please…I’m scared...

*DC and Gov*
DC: you and me, we aren’t the same
Gov: I am a sinner, you are a saint
(Context: DC is the city of DC, not the government that resides in the city. Gov on the other hand is. And while I love his character, I can’t stand the government irl)

*California, after skipping on anti-depressants for about a week*
California: You don’t actually like me. You’re just here because you pity me…
Florida, concerned for once: Cali you and I both know that’s not true…
California: Stop lying! You and I both know that once you’re tired of me you’ll move on! Once you get bored of me…you’ll leave me behind. Just like everyone else

*what California thinks is going to happen*
California: Hey where are you going…?
Florida, avoiding looking at California: Away.
California:I…I thought cared-
Florida: …I’m sorry California

Gov: California I never meant to hurt you. Whenever you're hurt I feel awful, it's the worst, I hate it.
California, near hysterics: Wow, it's amazing! You-you’ve managed to make even empathy selfish.
(I’m sorry for shitting on Gov like this i promise i love himmm. There’s just so much angst i can work with for cal! If you haven’t noticed this part is the angst!)

Which ever state you want: Has anyone told you how beautiful your eyes are?
California: Most people don’t look me in the eyes at all.

California: Depression is just a fancy word for sad and I am the king of an empty kingdom drowned in sorrow and tears
Gov:...You can continue your presentation on solar power
California: Right...

Florida: Are you okay, Cali?
California: I'm fine, Florida.
Florida: you sure…?
California, currently listening to an audio book of No Longer Human: I'm good.

Louisiana: What can be better than serving up smiles?
California or New York: Being dead or literally anything else.

Florida: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated
California, making jazz hands: Killed without hesitation

Chapter Text

Pennsylvania: Are you busy?
DC: Yes.
Pennsylvania: Cool, listen to this.

New York: Yesterday, I overheard Pennsylvania saying “Are you sure this is a good idea?” and Massachusetts replying “Trust me,” and I have never moved from one room to another so quickly in my life.

West Virginia, to Tennessee: Why is Nevada not talking?
Tennessee: I'm playing the silent game with them.
West Virginia: Well, then you just lost.
Tennessee: I lost two hours ago. I gave them ear plugs and told them to close their eyes. It was the only way I could think of to get them to shut up.

Georgia: *nudges Illinois at 3am* Pretty fucked up that we depict the moon as a girl and the sun as a boy. They're just floating rocks in space. Illinois? Wake up, Illinois! Listen! They're sexless!
Illinois: The sun isn't a rock, go back to sleep.

Wyoming: I don’t know the first thing about clothes. Pretty much all I can do is look at something and tell you if it’s clothes or not. This chair? Not clothes.

Michigan: That sounds like a terrible plan.
Louisiana: Oh, we've had worse.

Oklahoma: So oxygen went on a date with potassium, it went... OK.
IDC: I thought oxygen was dating magnesium, OMG.
Oklahoma: Actually oxygen first asked nitrogen out, but nitrogen was all like NO.
Texas: I thought oxygen had that double bond with the hydrogen twins.
North Carolina: Looks like someone's a HO.
IDC: NaBrO.
CDC: I'm done with all of you!
Florida: HA! TAKE THAT SCIENCE BOY

South Carolina: Do you take constructive criticism?
DC: Not without crying

Iowa: Wisconsin, keep an eye on New Mexico today. They're going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.
Wisconsin: Sure, I'd love to see New Mexico getting punched.
West Virginia: Try again.
Wisconsin, sighing: I will try to stop New Mexico from getting punched.

California: Can I get back to my work now?
Florida: Not until you've had a proper nights sleep.
California: I hate this family!
(Say it with me now, Another FloMan in SoCal!)

Louisiana: We can explain.
Gov, skeptically: Can you now.
Florida: If you give us thirty seconds to think of a lie.

DC: You know you can just admit that you made a mistake, right?
Gov: *Stirring salt into their coffee* I happen to like it this way

California: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I’ll wait.
Florida: You and me!
California, tearing up: Okay.

Florida: [Kicks the door down looking panicked.]
Gov: What did you do?
South Carolina: Nobody’s died yet!
Gov: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!
Massachusetts, looming in the doorway: a wrong one.
(Context! A few of the states decide it would be an incredibly hilarious idea to steal Mass’s coffee beans! And…well the man needs his Dunks (did I spell that right?)

*this is back in the early days. Like colony type early*
Maine: What’s for dinner?
Massachusetts: *Staring down at the burnt food* Regret

Rhode Island: What’s it like being tall?
Delaware: Is it nice?
Connecticut: Can you reach to to of the cabinet?
New Jersey: Back of the fridge?
Virginia: can you reach comfortably for the cupboards?
Alaska: We live in constant fear of the short ones who, in my experience, will climb four chairs, two boxes, a small coffee table, and six oddly placed stools to get what they want.
Massachusetts: It was one time!
(You may notice it is going in order from smallest state and I’m using Alaska cause he’s the tallest)

California: *Speaking Spanish*
Florida: I know, I know
Gov: Wait, you know Spanish?
Florida: No, I just know “It’s all your fault” in every language California speaks

Utah: God give me patience
Nevada: I think you mean ‘give me strength’
Utah: If god gave me strength, you would be dead

Gov: Anyone d-
Texas: Depressed?
Louisiana: Drained?
Florida: Dumb?
California: Disliked?
New York: dead inside?
Gov: -done with their work... What is wrong with you people...
(We get the Main Six for this one!)

California: Florida’s my brother
Gov: He killed 80 people in two days
California:
California: He’s adopted

DC: If you took a shot for every time you made a bad decision, how drunk would you be?
Utah: Maybe a bit tipsy?
Mississippi: Drunk.
Nevada: Wasted.
California: Dead.
Florida: I never make bad decisions but I’m gonna drink anyway.

Ben: The floor is lava!
Maryland: [Helps DC onto the counter.]
New York: [Kicks New Jersey off the sofa.]
Massachusetts: [Lays on the floor.]
Virginia: ...Are you okay?
Massachusetts: No.
(Might be a little OOC (out of character) but that’s ok. Also let’s gooo Ben’s here nowww)

Other countries: How did this happen? HOW!?
[Points to Britain sitting on the ground, pouting over being beaten]
The 13 colonies: Well... we beat Britain.
Countries: HOW? THEY HAVE THE STRONGEST NAVY IN THE WORLD! AND WHY?!
Massachusetts: Yeah, they were boasting about it too. But I was like, “I don’t need a fancy army to beat a person.” So yeah, I beat him.

Virginia: Hey Mary?
Maryland, softly smiling: Yeah?
Virginia: You stay so positive, you always believe everything’s going to work out. How do you do it?
Maryland, giggling: Well, I’ll tell you my secret Ginny. [pained smile] I lie to myself.
Virginia: ...
Maryland: Every morning when I wake up, I always go, “Everything’s going to be oookay!”
Maryland, whispering with a pained smile: But I’m lying. [grabs Virginia by shoulder and gets closer] And I don’t know how much longer I can do it
Maryland: [painful squeal while smiling]
Maryland, back to normal: Well, have a good night hun!
Virginia: [frozen in shock]
(I felt like this would work well for Mary, cause they [im using they/them pronouns for Maryland. I just get vibes. Same for Vada. Cal and Flo sometimes]

Chapter Text

Georgia: Hey did it hurt when you fell?
Illinois: From where?
Georgia: Heaven
Illinois: It was actually only the lower stratosphere so no not really

Florida: "HELP! I TOLD LOUISIANA I’D COOK DINNER TONIGHT BUT I CAN’T COOK!"
California, pouring milk directly into the cereal bag, "And you thought I could help?"

*maryland delivering bracelets to all the states*
Maryland: I made us friendship bracelets!
Virginia: Ah, thanks, but I'm not really the jewelry type
Maryland: You don't have to wear it if you don't want to- Virginia: No, I'm keeping this, forever, fuck off

Gov: You're a loose cannon,
Florida: No, I'm not. I'm a cannon maybe, but a loose cannon? Is that what you think of me?
California: I think you play by your own rules.
Louisiana: Sha, Flo’da just think rules were made to be broken.
Gov: Those are all attributes of a loose cannon.
Florida: No, I'm just a reckless renegade. Texas is a loose cannon.
Texas: “No I Ain’t! I’m a reckless revolver! Ain’t ever meet a problem I couldn’t fix with a gun”
(The line from Texas is from “The First Covid Case” I believe. Same episode where Flo wants to murder Washington. Also weighting accents is harddd)

Pennsylvania: "You're so cute when you're irritated."
Massachusetts: "I'm going to slit your throat."

New Hampshire: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something
Connecticut: Nope, absolutely not.
Maine: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through.
New Jersey: I hope it emotionally scars you for the rest of your life.
New York: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you.
Massachusetts: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

Two way this could go:
Massachusetts: You look familiar...
New York: So do you, where do I know you from.
Massachusetts and new york at the same time after a moment of silence: Jail.

Florida: You look familiar...
California: So do you, where do I know you from.
Florida and California at the same time after a moment of silence: Spain.

Maine: My boyfriend is too tall for me to kiss on the lips. What should I do?
New York: Punch him in the stomach. Then, when he doubles over in pain, kiss him.
Pennsylvania: Tackle him.
Vermont: steal his kneecaps.
New Hampshire: Kick him in the shins.
Massachusetts: all of them, in that order
Alaska: NO. NO TO ALL OF THOSE. JUST ASK ME TO LEAN DOWN.

North Carolina: Why are you standing on a chair?
South Carolina: I live here, I can stand where I want.
North Carolina: ...Where's the spider?
South Carolina: It's under the table please get it for me.
(In SC, the most common phobia is arachnophobia)

Massachusetts: *wakes up, still very sleepy* don’t worry, it’s getting better *in a heavy British accent*
Pennsylvania: Why are you British?
Massachusetts: my deepest apologies, it is to my knowledge gaining momentum towards a positive ending *in a weirdly fancy way*
Pennsylvania: why are you fancy?
Massachusetts: what is he normally?
Pennsylvania: he? You’re not anybody else, you're you!
Massachusetts: ugh, me. *in regular Boston accent, falls back to sleep*
Maryland: you just thwarted a ghost possession by judging his accent. *giggles*

Idaho: distracted listening to music*
Montana: *runs up, sets down a bottle of electrolyte water* Merry Christmas! *runs away*
Idaho: It’s fucking September!?

Wisconsin: Iowa isn’t answering his phone
Missouri: I’ll call
Wisconsin: Arkansas and I have both tried six times each, what makes you thi-
Iowa: Hello?
(This is more or less geographical order)

California: I don’t need to touch grass, I need the fall of capitalism
(This is so real)

Gov: Dammit, Florida!
Florida: What?! It wasn’t me!
Gov: Sorry, force of habit.
(Florida and Louisiana: woooooooowwwww)
Gov: Dammit, Louisiana!
Louisiana: Not me either. I was on a date with Florida
Gov: Oh...Then who set California on fire?
California: whistles

Alabama: Why are you on the floor?
Mississippi: I'm depressed.
Mississippi : Also I was stabbed, can you get CDC, please.

Louisiana, driving Florida and California: So how was your day?
Florida: We almost got surprise adopted!
Louisiana: What?
California: We almost got kidnapped.
Louisiana: Oh, okay.
Louisiana: slams on the breaks WAIT WHAT?!

Gov: Hi yes, just to give you a heads up two of my states are planning to get arrested and then break out.
Cops: yeah right. We have no time for prank calls
*An hour late and a destroyed jail*
Cops: Hi yes, we would like to apologise for not believing you. Can you please pick them up?
DC: sorry my brother is dealing with four others and you didn't listen good luck
Louisiana, yelling: You're the best Ex.
Florida: *Laughing evilly*
Cops: *Openly cries and begs for them to leave*

Vermont: I want your soul
New Hampshire: I’m Irish, I don’t have a soul.
(In New Hampshire 20% of the people are Irish and 1/5 say they are Irish)

Two types of people:
Florida: What state do you live in?
Gov: I live in a state of constant anxiety
Person 2:
Florida: What state do you live in?
DC: I DON’T LIVE IN A STATE BECAUSE YOU GUYS WON’T FUCKING LET ME BECOME ONE!!!

Florida: .. .----. -- / ... --- .-. .-. -.--
California: What's that?
Florida: Remorse code.
California: I'm even angrier now
[translation: I’M SORRY]

California: I love you guys, you’re the best thing that’s happened to me
Florida: We’re the best thing that’s ever happened to you Cali!?
California: yeah…
Louisiana: thanks sha, you’re too sweet.
New York: I’m starting to feel a little sorry for you.

New Jersey: you look so fucking dumb when you're irritated." New York: "I'm going to slit your throat."

Chapter Text

Maryland: What, I can’t be in a bad mood? It’s like people think, “Oh, Mary is such a nice person, Mary is so happy-go-lucky! Mary can’t be in a bad mood!” Well, you know what? Maryland CAN be in a bad mood. And right now, Maryland IS be in a bad mood.

California: Hey, thanks for checking in, I’m ✨still a piece of garbage✨

New York: Y'know, I once knew a man who said to me: “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” He also had a pair of sideburns that would cause even Jude Law’s face to weep in forfeit. You put those lemons in a sack and beat your enemies with ‘em! And maybe if you beat ‘em hard enough the bag will split open and lemon juice will spray into their eyes, causing intense burning pains as you crush them into a citrus-y pulp! 
Texas: Wait, wait, wait, wait. Their heads or the lemons? 
New York: Whatever caves first!

Mississippi: Can you pass the salt? 
Massachusetts: Can you pass away? 
Mississippi: Too much salt.

New York: "I lost a bet." 
New York: The second-most ominous phrase in existence. 
Ben: What's the first? 
New York: "Let's make a bet."

Florida: Hold on! I’m having one of those things... a headache with pictures. 
CDC: What the fuck? 
Texas: They’re having an idea.

DC: I need 28 lightbulbs for 28 ducks. 
New York: Ducks can’t eat lightbulbs? 
Ben: I think that’s the point. 
DC: Exactly. I want my ducks to glow so I can find them.

California: I reserve the right to judge a movie based on when it was made, thank you very much. 
Florida: You consider anything made before 2000 old and bad. 
California: And I reserve that right! After all.... 
California: I bet you wouldn’t like the average movie made in 1879! 
Florida: There were no movies made in 1879. 
California: *slams table* WRONG! There was ONE movie made in 1879! The first movie! A zoopraxioscope of a horse galloping! 
Louisiana: Oooh! Let’s go ask New York if they saw it in theatres!
(I’m aware those dates aren’t quite accurate but I’m tired and don’t feel like looking it up)

Wisconsin: You think you're smarter than everyone else. 
Massachusetts: I don't think I'm smarter than everyone else. I know I am.

Massachusetts: I found a note in one of my old word .docs that said Note to self: Get revenge on Wisconsin. 
Massachusetts: Except I couldn't remember what I was supposed to get revenge for. 
Massachusetts: But I trusted my own judgment, so I went with it. 
Wisconsin: Hmm... I don't know what you were supposed to get revenge for, either. 
Massachusetts: I can only assume you got what was coming to you. Not 100 percent sure, though. 
Wisconsin: Well, whatever I did, I guess I deserved it. 
Massachusetts: Let that possibly be a lesson to you.

Montana: What are amphetamines? 
Iowa: Drugs that can go on land and water. 
Montana: Ohhhh.
(“Amphetamines are stimulant drugs that speed up messages between the brain and body. Some amphetamines are prescribed by doctors to treat conditions such as attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and narcolepsy (uncontrollable urge to sleep). Other types such as speed are produced and sold illegally.”
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Amphetamine)

Maryland: And what did we learn, Ben? 
Ben: Tackling someone isn’t the correct response to being asked a simple question.

DC: Wait, if baby oil dissolves condoms, what does it do to babies? 
California: Believe it or not, babies and condoms are made of different materials. 
Texas: It’s like rock paper scissors. Baby oil defeats condom, baby defeats baby oil, condom defeats baby. 
Maryland: Rock also defeats baby.

Minnesota: Everyone thinks you suck. 
Gov: I think you have the wrong number… 
Minnesota: Mississippi? 
Gov: Nope. Gov. 
Minnesota: Well, you probably suck too…

DC: They... well, I wouldn't call it inheritance per se. What do you call it when you kill someone and get their stuff? 
Maryland: Um, murder??? 
Mississippi: Adventuring! 
Louisiana: Tuesday.

Mississippi, in a room with Texas, New York, and Ben: It’s calm in here. 
Mississippi: It scares me…

Maryland: Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and… 
Iowa: Was diagnosed with mesothelioma. 
Maryland: Mamma called the doctor and the doctor said… 
Louisiana: You might be entitled to financial compensation if he or a loved one dies.

Minnesota: Is the pink panther a lion? 
Wisconsin: Say that again but slower. 
Minnesota: I don’t get it. 
Wisconsin: He’s a PANTHER. 
Minnesota: Is that a type of lion? 
Wisconsin: No, it’s a fucking panther. 
Minnesota: *googles panther* They aren’t pink? 
Wisconsin: AND LIONS ARE?!

Iowa: I really like Eminem. 
DC: I prefer skittles. 
New York: They are talking about the rapper. 
DC: Why would they eat the wrapper?

Florida, learning how to drive: What happens if I press the gas and the brake at the same time? 
Massachusetts: The car takes a screenshot. 
New York: Please pull over. I’m driving now.

Vermont: What’s your biggest fear? 
New Hampshire: I am incredibly arachnophobic. 
Vermont, under their breath: You don’t want spiders to get married?
(Me too NH, me too)

California: Here is my wall of inspirational people. 
Mississippi: Is that a picture of you? 
California: Yes, I am big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself.

*Right before the revolutionary war*
Virginia: Remember everyone, violence is never the answer. 
Massachusetts: You're right, Ginny.. Violence can't be the answer. 
Virginia: Correct, Massachusetts. Now, on to the next lesso- 
Massachusetts: Violence is the question. 
Massachusetts: And the answer is yes! 
Virginia: Massachusetts, no!!

Chapter Text

Gov: How have none of you heard what I just said?
California: I've been zoned out for the past two and a half hours.
New York: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.
Florida: bold of you to believe I listen in the first place
Texas: I don’t like you so why would I listen
Alaska: who are you?

Florida: If I accidentally sat on a voodoo doll of myself, would I be trapped forever in that position, doomed to starve to death?
Louisiana: How am I supposed to know?
California: You say, as if we don't use you as a source of knowledge of the occult.
Louisiana: *sighs*
Louisiana: You wouldn't be trapped.

*Revolutionary war. again…*
*Random British loyalist speaking shit about America* New York: I'm gonna hit the living shit out of this guy.
Virginia: it's not necessary.
New Jersey: why?
Connecticut, pointing at Massachusetts: just look.
Massachusetts, standing up from the table, running towards to the guy: IF YOU DARE TO SAY SOME FUCKING SHIT ABOUT THIS COUNTRY AND THE BRITISH (like something positive) I'M GONNA BREAK YOUR WINDPIPE AND TEAR OUT YOUR FUCKING SPINE. GET IT?!
New Hampshire: holy shit.
Rhode Island: yeah. Holy shit.
Georgia: Don't wanna break the magical moment but Mass is choking that man.

Gov: Maybe you should start less wars.
Massachusetts, glaring at Gov: Maybe you should breathe less air.

Florida: Maybe I don't want violence right now
California: Then what do you want?
Florida: A nap

California: Yeah, well I've never died permanently so how do I know that god is real.

Arizona: We need a plan to beat them.
New Mexico: Okay, listen up. First, we fill their shoes with wet cat food.
Arizona:
New Mexico: Judge me all you want, I get results.

Gov: What are you two arguing about this time?
California: He's always using common phrases incorrectly!
Florida: Cry me a table, Cali.
California: That’s not my name!

Ben: If I fall down these stairs, I'm just going to lay down and accept my fate.
(This is so real. Unlike most people’s stairs where they have that turn at the side to keep it from being too steep, my stairs are straight up and at like a 40 degree angle (I think) and overall it would hurt like hell to fall down)

Maryland: If you water water, it grows.
Gov: ...What.
Delaware: they’ve got a point.

Gov: Florida, I need some advice.
Florida: You need advice from ME?
Gov: Yeah, frightening, isn't it?

Alaska, after getting a library card: Now I know what true power feels like.

Britain: Enough! How dare you mock me in such a manner!? Massachusetts: Well. How would you like me to mock you? I take requests.

Massachusetts: YOU FUCKING BASTARD!! I TRUSTED YOU AND YOU FUCKED ME OVER!! YOU WERE MY FUTURE!!!
Pennsylvania: I CAN'T BELIEVE I EVER FELL IN LOVE WITH A LYING, CHEATING SON OF A BITCH LIKE YOU!!
Virginia, picking up the monopoly board: I think we're done playing now-

Texas: I have yet to encounter a problem where a gun didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.
(Texas no-)

California: Why is blood so hard to wash off your hands?
California: I JUST REALISED HOW BAD THIS SOUNDS. FOR THE RECORD, I HAD A NOSE BLEED, I'M NOT A SERIAL KILLER.
Florida: But we both know that's not quite true.
Mississippi: Hydrogen peroxide dissolves blood, just fyi.
CDC: he’s right.
Massachusetts: Do you think if you gave someone a huge shot of hydrogen peroxide straight into their bloodstream it would kill them?
Gov: This house is filled with murderers.

Vermont: Why did you stay up so late?
Massachusetts, looking out the window, baggy eyed: There is no rest for the wicked
Vermont:
Maine: Cat videos. He stayed up watching cat videos
(Me, ‘cept im writing this. Rn it’s like 2:34 am lol)

New York: sometimes i like to place my hands on someone's cheeks, look into their eyes.... Gov: oh wow this is actually really sweet.
New York: .....and violently jerk their head until it snaps.
DC: that took an unexpected turn.
Massachusetts: so did their neck.

Georgia: What's the fear of getting murdered called?
California: Common sense.
Florida: Actually it's called Foniasophobia.
Georgia: Thanks Florida...
Alabama: Why do you know that?!
Florida: Late night Internet searches.
(My search history is…interesting…to say the least. It’s stuff like “which church has the most dead bodies” and “how many bodies are in the catacombs” type shit)

Michigan: I am an expert at identifying birds
Missouri: okay, what about those ones flying over there?
Michigan: yeah, those are definitely all birds

Florida: Every time I go to a hotel I take a bite of soap, just to mess with people.
California: You DO realize that by eating soap, you're the one who's losing, right?
Louisiana: You're just jealous he was brave enough to taste the Forbidden White Chocolate.
Florida: White chocolate's disgusting!
California: AND SOAP ISN'T?!?!

California: What if the person who named Walkie Talkies named everything?
Florida: Pregnancy tests are Maybe Babies
Texas: Socks are Feetie Heaties
Louisiana: Forks are Stabby Grabbies
New Jersey: Defibrillators are Heartie Starties
New York: Nightmares are Dreamy Screamies
Alaska: Stamps are Lickie Stickies
Gov, annoyed: You are disappointments

Tennessee: English is a difficult language. It can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.
Kentucky: You need to stop.

Chapter Text

Gov: Everyone, synchronize your watches.
Nevada: I don't know how to do that.
New York: I don't wear a watch.
Florida: Time is a construct.

Texas: What's something you guys are better than California at?
Louisiana: Mario Kart.
New York: Yeah, video games.
Florida: Emotional vulnerability.

Massachusetts: If I die, donate my entire body to science.
Mass: Except my middle finger.
Mass: Give that to york.
Maine: sorry can we get back to the IF part?

Florida: Wanna hear something cool
California: If it's "how far I'll toad" then I will kill you
Florida: Never mind

California, mockingly: 'Conservative voices are being silenced!'
California, in a normal voice: Not well enough if I can still fucking hear you guys.
Massachusetts, mockingly: 'We have rights too!'
Mass, threateningly: Yeah the right to shut the fuck up.

Florida: Texas. I am your father.
Texas:
Texas: What the fuck Florida god no.

Massachusetts: You look like a corpse that was just pulled out of the river.
Colorado: Wrong. I look like a cool rock star who just OD'd in his own pool. Big difference.

California setting down a card: Ace of spades
Oregon pulling out an Uno card: +4
Washington pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you
Nevada, very confused at to wtf they just walked into: What the fuck are you guys playing

*Florida cooking*
Louisiana: Any chance that’s for me?
Florida: It’s for California. I’m planning on making some bad choices tonight and I need them on my side.
Louisiana: I never realized the forethought that went into being a disappointment.

Hawaii: I slept wonderfully, I am so awake and ready for the day, the sun is beautiful and I'm so happy to be alive!
New York: I've had 30 minutes of sleep in the last five days and now I can smell sounds, please kill me

Massachusetts: Uh, Mary, I think I got your lunch. The note inside says 'I am very proud of you. Love, Virginia'.
Maryland: Oh yeah, I didn't think this was for me. *Holds up a note that says, 'Be good. For the love of god, please be good.*

California: Did you eat the cookie I was saving for later?
Florida: We live together.
California: So???
Florida: Freeloading is communism. It was OUR cookie.

Massachusetts: I have brought you here to play the most dangerous game.
Florida: Knife monopoly.
Massachusetts: I was going to say I wanted to hunt you down for sport, but now I'm intrigued.

Virginia: How long until you start hallucinating from sleep deprivation?
Massachusetts: 72 hours
Virginia: How did you know that so fast?
Massachusetts: There's a giant fucking clown behind you and I don't like the way it's looking at me.
Virginia: Mass-
Colorado: Don't mind him, he literally drinks a slurppie-sized cup of five hour energy every morning.
America: I think my heart stopped beating hours ago.
New York: Yet you are still alive.
Louisiana: Mas sha, that is not healthy.
Massachusetts: I'm aiming for a new record of staying awake for an entire week.
Virginia: York! Help your brother!
New York: Ugh, fine. I'll get my hockey stick and knock him out.
Massachusetts: Knock me out permanently this time, bro!

New Hampshire: If your leg got cut off, would it hurt?
Vermont: Duh, of course it would.
New Hampshire: How though?
Vermont: Because your leg got cut off!
New Hampshire: But where would you feel the pain?
Vermont: In your le-
Vermont: Ohhhhhh
New Hampshire: Exactly! How would you feel pain in your leg...
Both in unison: If your leg got cut off?!

Massachusetts: I think we should take our relationship to the next level.
Colorado: In what way?
Massachusetts: You should put your hand in mine.
Coco:
Coco: Are you sure? There is no going back from this.
*Later*
Massachusetts: And that's how we finally got to the handholding stage of our relationship.
Maine: You whore.
(Cause Mass would have been raised by puritins and shit I feel like he would e like that with dating)

Pennsylvania: “You’re grounded for... till college!”
DC: “FOR TILL COLLEGE?”
Pennsylvania: “FOR TILL COLLEGE!“

New Mexico: “That’s just me being a Mexican kid, sorry.”

Colorado: “I'd rather have weed.”

New York: “I’m sorry, but what the fuck is a radian?”
(No seriously what is it)

Wisconsin: "I enjoyed that like a mayonnaise sandwich. Just a big ole glass of eh."

Colorado: “Just buy a boyfriend and play with it. That’s like the equivalent of 40 drugs in one. ... on steroids.”

Hawaii: “Hey I’m lesbian.”
Florida: “... I thought you were Hawaiian?”

Gov: “Why have all these letters if you’re not going to use them, Massachusetts?”
Gov: “Either pronounce them the way they’re written, or write them differently, Massachusetts!”
Gov: “Is This Why You’re So Angry All The Time?!”
New York: “It’s cause he’s short!”

Chapter Text

Vermont: And what do I get out of this? 
New Hampshire: I will give you a dollar. 
Vermont: What do you think I am? A chump? I would never do it for a dollar! 
New Hampshire: How bout two dollars? 
Vermont: You got yourself a deal.

Maine: Maryland is forbidden from monologuing

Massachusetts: Make no mistake. Not only am I party rocking, but I am also in the house tonight. 
Maryland: But are you shuffling? 
Massachusetts: Everyday. 
Vermont: What language are you two speaking??

New York: Good morning. 
New Hampshire: Good morning. 
New Jersey: Good morning. 
Pennsylvania: You all sound like robots, try spicing it up a bit. 
Delaware: MORNING MOTHERFUCKERS!

Rhode Island: Jail is no fun. I’ll tell you that much. 
Maine: Oh, you’ve been? 
Rhode Island: Once. In Monopoly.

Virginia: What happened?! 
Vermont: Do you want the long version or the short version? 
Virginia: Sh-short?? 
Vermont: Shit's fucked. 
Virginia: Okay, long. 
Vermont: Shit's very fucked.

Virginia: I’m not being weird. Am I being weird? 
New Jersey: Yes, and that’s coming from me.

Massachusetts: I'm a witch. I mixed some herbs and crystals together and now my cat knows the f-word.

New York: What are you two arguing about this time? 
New Jersey: They’re always using common phrases incorrectly! 
Massachusetts: Cry me a table, New Jersey.

*during the witch trials*
Massachusetts: *gets set on fire and screams in agony* 
Massachusetts: Nah, I’m just kidding. Fire does nothing to me.
Massachusetts: I’d be happy to act for you though if you’re into that

Maryland, singing: ~Hush, little laptop, don’t you cry.~ 
Maryland: ~Papa’s gonna find you some more Wi-Fi.~ 
Maryland: ~And if that Wi-Fi doesn’t work…~ 
Maryland: ~Papa will destroy the fucking Earth.~
(What is this quote 😭💀🙏)

Connecticut: The universe is cold and unfeeling. The only constant is chaos. 
Maine: Was that place out of chocolate-chip pancakes again?

New Jersey: Guys, Rhode Island is missing. 
Massachusetts: Good.

Massachusetts, taping a knife onto a Roomba: Be free, my child. 
Vermont, entering the room with a small cut on their ankle: Who the f-

New York: What did you get on your shirt? 
Massachusetts: Rust. 
New York: From what? 
Massachusetts: Weapons. 
Pennsylvania: Time for more adult supervision.

Maryland: *slams books down in front of New Hampshire* 
Maryland: Boil up some Mountain Dew. It’s gonna be a long night. 
New Hampshire: You could of said literally anything else. 
Maryland: Cauldron boil and cauldron bubble, Baja Blast to fuel my trouble. 
New Hampshire: I’m going to just stop challenging you when you say random shit. I won’t win. I realize this now.

Pennsylvania: I know this isn’t going to end well and I don’t care. So don’t you try and stop me, Connecticut! 
Connecticut: I wasn’t stopping you. I was asking if you had a spare camera so I can record this.

New Jersey: We need a distraction. 
Vermont: Is anyone here good at jumping up and down and making weird noises? 
Rhode Island, whispering: My time has come.

Delaware: I'm going to take a shower, I'll be right back. 
Rhode Island: Why are you telling me this, I don't care. 
Rhode Island, right after Delaware leaves the room: I miss them already.

New York: When I see really attractive people like Delaware, I just laugh because I know if we lived in the Aztec culture, they'd be sacrificed for their beauty. 
Massachusetts: I mean, that's one way to cope with not being attractive. 
Rhode Island: Works for me.

Virginia: Why is Rhode Island making me do the dishes again? You haven’t washed them in a week, Maine! 
Maine: It’s because I’m Rhode Island’s favorite. 
Virginia: I hate you.

Literally all of the states: I refuse to apologize for being weird or off-putting. That’s actually your problem. I’m having a fantastic time!

Maryland: Rhode Island, why are you crying? 
Rhode Island: This book is so sad!! 
Maryland, picking it up: That’s my diary-

Massachusetts: Okay, Rhode Island, you were right! I was... Less right!

Massachusetts: Why are you late? 
Pennsylvania: A technical error occurred, causing an unexpectedly long bout of unconsciousness. 
Massachusetts: Overslept? 
Pennsylvania: Overslept.

Pennsylvania: Maryland, I know you snuck out to see Maine last night. 
Maryland: If you tell New Jersey or New Hampshire, I swear I’ll murder you, and they’ll never find the body. 
Pennsylvania: Five bucks? 
Maryland: Fine.

Connecticut: What's your most controversial video game hot take? 
Maryland: The pursuit for photorealism in games is a fruitless endeavor that only results in bloated file sizes that take too much space. 
Virginia: Mario is a woman and just really butch.

Massachusetts: Hey there demons, It's me, ya boi. 
Virginia: Massachusetts, NO!

Vermont: It’s nice to be wanted, you know? 
Pennsylvania: Not by the law!

Connecticut: Maryland, you can do anything! 
Maryland: Anything? 
Connecticut: Anything! 
Maryland, holding a torch: ANYTHING?!?! 
Connecticut: Wait, not that!

New Jersey: When I first met you, I thought you were weird and annoying. 
Rhode Island: And? 
New Jersey: And you are.

Pennsylvania: I’m so tired. 
Maine: Did you get to bed late? 
Pennsylvania: No. 
Maine: Did you do something strenuous? 
Pennsylvania: No. 
Maine: Then why are you tired? 
Pennsylvania: I’m alive. 
Maine: Sounds exhausting.

Virginia, spraying a melted cutting board with a tiny water gun: We gotta cool this bitch down. Cool it down. 
Massachusetts: I actually just put the cutting board in the oven... 
Delaware, visibly confused: Okay, so they decided to put the cutting board in the oven? 
Virginia, spraying Massachusetts: You FUCKING DUMBASS! 
Massachusetts: Dude, I forgot- 
Virginia: OH MY FUCKING GOD! We're trying to make Chicken Alfredo right now, and you fucking MELT the cutting board in the oven at 400 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT!? 
Vermont: *Watching in complete confusion while trying to process this whole situation.*

Pennsylvania: That's it, you're grounded! Connecticut, no adventures for you! New Hampshire, no fighting for you! Rhode Island, no stealing for you! And Massachusetts... oh my god, is there anything that you love? 
Massachusetts: Revenge. 
Pennsylvania: No vengeance for you. 
Massachusetts: I was going to say "I'll get you for this," but I guess that's off the table.

Maryland: Did you wash the dishes? 
Connecticut: I thought you wanted to do that... 
Maryland: *chuckles* You were WRONG.

Connecticut: What the fuck. 
Connecticut: ESPN is showing 2003 national jump rope championship. 
Connecticut: Who the hell watches jump rope competiti- ooh bouncy.

Vermont: Those damn tall old people. 
New York: damn em' indeed. 
New Hampshire: Don't worry, they'll be gone soon enough. 
Massachusetts: *sharpening knife* Yes. Dead. 
The Squad: 
Massachusetts: Hahaha. 
Massachusetts: ...Is this self-destructive behaviour?

Gov: You’re insane! 
Literally all the states: Sure I am, what’s your point?

New Jersey: So I have made the decision to trust you. 
New York: A horrible decision, really.

Maryland: Ok so, apparently the "bad vibes" I've been feeling are actually severe psychological distress.

Connecticut: Isn’t it weird how we pay money to see other people? 
Pennsylvania: You mean movies? 
New Jersey: Concerts? 
New York: Prostitutes? 
Connecticut: Wha…N-no, I mean glasses, what the fuck-

Connecticut: What did you guys get in your yearbook? 
Vermont: 'Prettiest Smile' 
Maryland: 'Nicest Personality' 
Massachusetts: 'Most likely to start a war' 
Virginia: 'Least likely to start a war, but most likely to win one'

New Jersey: My goal is not to be the best, but to inspire someone enough to one day surpass me. 
New York: YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT EVERY TIME YOU BEAT ME AT CONNECT FOUR!

New Hampshire: I hate taking off my glasses, because without them, my vision goes from Full HD all the way down to buffering at 240p and I just can't handle that.

Connecticut: Ladies, gentlemen and Maine, I want to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld! 
Rhode Island: A llama? 
Connecticut: No. 
Rhode Island: A baby llama? 
Connecticut: No! 
Rhode Island: A baby llama with a little hat on? 
Connecticut: NO!

Delaware: Help, someone at prom has been killed! 
Massachusetts: Calm down, we don't need you to Panic! At the Disco no less!

*Connecticut is cleaning the house and they find an empty bottle of orange juice* 
Connecticut: Clear orange juice? 
Connecticut: Oh, it's empty. 
Virginia, who has been watching the entire time: I live with an idiot. I live with an idiot. I live with an idiot.

Connecticut: Massachusetts just insisted Vermont and I remember a code word in case we’re ever confronted by their clone or a cyborg doppelgänger and we’re not sure which is the real them and which is the imposter. 
Connecticut: Some families have a fire escape plan, but not us.

New Hampshire: We either die free, or die trying! 
Pennsylvania: Are those the only choices?
(Cause NH’s state motto is “live free or die”)

New York: I’m the sexiest bitch in this therapy waiting room.

New Hampshire: Sorry I'm late, I was doing stuff. 
Maine: YOU PUSHED ME DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRS!

Virginia: Next time I'm at the pet store, I'm gonna take a hamster and drop it in the scorpion cage. I wanna see what a hamster's face looks like when it goes, "oh, fuck."

Pennsylvania: You disgust me. 
New York: *eating a kitkat sideways* I realize this and don’t care.

New York, sweating: New Jersey, there’s something I need to ask you- 
New Jersey: Finally! You’re proposing! 
New York: How’d you know? 
New Jersey: New York, you’ve dropped the ring five times during dinner. 
New Jersey: I even picked it up once.

New Jersey: You have your weirdly sincere humility. 
Maryland: I prefer the term "self-loathing", actually.

Vermont: You're pathetic! 
Pennsylvania: You're pathetic-er! 
Connecticut: You're both losers.

Maine: It's not our fault! 
Delaware: Yeah, but... Come on, the least we can do it talk to them. 
Maine: No, the least we could do is nothing!

*New York and New Jersey playing minecraft* 
New York: Oh no, oh no, oh no- 
New Jersey: What’s wrong? 
New York: I did a thing. 
New Jersey: You regret the thing you dID- 
New York: *screams* 
New Jersey: What the fuck did you do- *sees mass of aggravated Piglin* Damn it- 
New York: *screams again*

Maryland: Wow, this sucks. I’m gonna kill *remembers that suicide jokes only worsen your mental health and that the first step to healing is stopping* you.

Massachusetts: I’m terrible at expressing myself. 
Connecticut: Don’t worry, actions speak louder than words! 
Massachusetts: Yes, but my actions are also bad.

Delaware: I have a 1:30 appointment. 
Rhode Island: Which doctor? 
Delaware: No, I want the regular doctor. Not Louisiana please.

Maine: I’m kind of crushing on someone, but I’m worried about telling you who it is, because you’re not going to like it
Massachusetts: Just rip the bandage off.
Maine: It’s Alaska.
Massachusetts: Put the bandage back on.

South Carolina: I really like this whole ‘good guy, bad guy’ thing you guys have going on.
Massachusetts: It’s not an act, it’s just that I’m mean and Maryland isn’t

Gov: Can you please be nice for five minutes?
Massachusetts: My record is four, but I think I can do it.

The northeast: Fuck.
Gov: We've got to work on your cursing.
The northeast: Why? I'm pretty good at cursing already.

California: There's nothing worse than people using big words they don't understand. Florida: I photosynthesis with this.

Florida: I sort of did something and I need some advice, but I don't want a lot of judgment and criticism.
California: And you came to me?

New York: I hate you.
Maryland: Well, according to this picture I drew of us holding hands, that is untrue.

Maryland: The Ocean is a soup.
Virginia:
Gov: Do elaborate.
Maryland: What are needed for something to be a soup?
DC: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine.
Virginia: *Tilts head*
Maryland: The Ocean is a Soup.
DC, Gov, and Virginia: The Ocean is a Soup…

California, to Texas: If you ever manage to get over yourself, I would not recommend being me.

Gov: What are your three best qualities?
Maryland: I’m great at fishing, I have soft hair, and sometimes I cry because I love my friends.

Florida: I am a responsible adult! Gov: *raises brow*
Florida: I am an adult.

Gov: Steve, we tried things your way.
DC: No, we didn't.
Gov: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

Vermont: What’s wrong with you?
Maine: Loaded question. Elaborate.

Oklahoma: My head hurts.
Texas: That’s your brain trying to comprehend its own stupidity.

Gov: Life could be worse, Max. Ben: Life could be a lot better too!

Alaska, peeling a banana: May I take your jacket, sir? Hahahaha. Hawaii: Do you think other people can’t hear you?

North Carolina: Hey, are you okay?
South Carolina: Yeah.
North Carolina: You don't look okay...
South Carolina: Then stop looking.

Florida: Everybody shut up, I'm thinking.
California, patting him on the back: Well, don’t think too hard. I wouldn’t want you to hurt yourself.

DC: Guess what I'm about to get!
Gov: On my nerves.

Florida: What happened to your nose?
New York: I used it to break some guy's fist.

Maryland : Mint is just cold spicy.
The Squad: ...
Delaware: What the actual fuck is wrong with you.

Florida : I am 39 cheetos tall.
Georgia: Why... are you measuring your height in cheetos?
Florida : Because we're out of Doritos.

New Jersey: Y’know, maybe things aren’t so bad. I’m here. I got the nice ocean breeze. Just alone with my thoughts.
New York : Hey, Nancy.
New Jersey: GODDAMNIT!

Virginia : How the hell are you still alive?
Massachusetts: Honestly, I’m just as confused as you are.

Massachusetts: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done.
Maine : When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.
Massachusetts: They're not.
Maine : Haha, very funny.
Massachusetts: I'm serious. Didn't you hear?
Maine : No... what happened?
Massachusetts: ...Why would you fall for this again-

California: Isn’t a bit dangerous?
Florida: Cali, please. We’ve in a lot of unexpected predicaments before and we always escape unhurt.
California: ...
Florida: Okay, we sometimes escape unhurt.
California: ...
Florida : Alright, we escaped unhurt once... Then we hurt ourselves in the way home.

Chapter Text

Gov: WHOEVER CAUSED THIS MESS IS GOING TO- 
IDC: It was me... 
Gov: ...Is going to be forgiven because everyone deserves a second chance.
(My dudes scared to yell at his sister)

Arizona, dramatically: They called me a fool. 
California, sick of Arizona's shit: They weren’t wrong.

DC: What do rainbows mean to you? 
Massachusetts: Gay rights. 
California: There's money. 
Utah: The sign of God's promise to never destroy the whole Earth with a flood. 
Ben: It is an optical phenomenon that separates sunlight into its continuous spectrum when the sun shines on raindrops.

Utah: It’s Christmas! Are you all in a Christmas mood?! 
Florida: Merry crisis. 
Massachusetts: Jingle bells, jingle bells, single all the way. 
Texas: Hoe hoe hoe. 
Utah: Guys, please.

Gov: New York, wake up! 
New York, half asleep: Five more minutes… 
Gov: You’ve been in a coma for two weeks! 
New York: … 
New York: Okay, two more minutes…
(I read a fic where after 9/11 York was out for a bit and I kinda ran with it)

California: You’re jealous. 
Ben: Jealous? 
California: That’s why you were being so negative about this. 
Ben: That’s absurd. I’m always negative.

Nevada: Arizona, what if there are monsters? 
Arizona: Don’t worry, we’re top of the food chain. 
Much later… 
Nevada, lying awake at night: I am the monster.

Nevada: wow you and IDC are home early from the movies. What happened? 
Gov: We got kicked out because IDC wouldn't stop yelling diving scores as people jumped off the titanic. 
IDC: That last guy had a solid 8, I'm telling you!

Ben: *doesn’t post* 
Wisconsin: Timer starts now! When are they coming back? I say two months! 
Ben: Bullshit. One month. 
Louisiana: Nah, half a month. 
Us viewers, sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? BEN JUST LEFT US! 
IDC, scratching chin in thought: One week.
(I miss the updatessss when does the new episode coming out I need to be feddd)

(Here’s the actual quote now)
Gov: *dies* 
Wisconsin: Timer starts now! When are they coming back? I say two months! 
Ben: Bullshit. One month. 
Louisiana: Nah, half a month. 
Greg, sobbing: WHAT ARE YOU DOING? GOV JUST DIED! 
IDC, scratching chin in thought: One week.

California: You really put aside everything and came all this way for me? How did you even get here so fast? 
New York: Several traffic violations. 
Gov: Three counts of resisting arrest. 
Utah: Roughly thirteen cans of energy drinks. 
Greg: Also, that’s not our car.

Greg: The Ocean is a soup. 
Utah: 
Utah: Do elaborate. 
Greg: What are needed for something to be a soup? 
Utah: Erm... Water, salt, some form of vegetation, and personally I prefer some meat in mine. 
Greg: *Tilts head* 
Utah: The Ocean is a Soup. 
Greg: The Ocean is a Soup.
(I feel like I’ve done if before but fuck it)

Virginia: What's worse than a heartbreak? 
Gov: Waking up in the morning and your phone wasn't charging. 
Ben: Waking up in the morning. 
California: Waking up.
(Went with Ginny for the first part cause the whole Virginia Is For Lovers)

Greg: Do you think I’m ugly? 
Massachusetts: It’s not about looks, Greg. What’s valuable is on the inside... 
Greg: Massachusetts... 
Massachusetts: For example, someone's heart. 
Greg: Aw... Stop it- 
Massachusetts: It could be purchased for more than a million dollars, you know. 
Greg: Seriously, stop.

DC, confused and exasperated: California, how do you plan on telling a bear to go vegan? 
California: Politely.

Florida: Do you care if I take the skin off this Furby? 
Florida: I want to make him a god. Once he is free of his sinful flesh, he can begin a path towards enlightenment. He will take care of us. 
Florida: I also want to softhack his circuits. 
California: I literally could not care less but never say anything as frightening as that ever again.

Massachusetts: I am a responsible adult! 
Nevada: *raises brow* 
Massachusetts: I am an adult.

Florida: Whoever has my voodoo doll, please kiss its forehead, I need it.
Louisiana: *gives Florida’s doll a kiss*

New York: Small creatures are much more vicious because they have a smaller body to bottle up all their emotions. 
Nevada: Ridiculous. Give me some examples. 
Greg: Wasps? 
Ben: Terriers? 
New York: Massachusetts.

Arizona: *Pulls a glass a water from out of nowhere* 
Texas: Where did you get that? 
Arizona: My pocket. 
Texas: How do you keep a glass of water in your pocket? 
Arizona: Skills.
(Ari needs water on standby)

Greg: Good night. 
Nevada: Sleep tight. 
New York: Don't let the bedbugs crawl up to your ear and whisper threatening things that make you question yourself. 
Nevada: Great, now Greg’s crying.

Florida, to Arizona: You're starting to forget your Spanish. You don't practice. 
Arizona: Lo siento. Estoy embarazada. 
New Mexico: You just said you're pregnant. 
Texas: Congratulations Arizona, you're glowing!
California: you don’t look a week over 20

California: “Struggle with depression” would seem to imply that I am bad at being depressed when I am, in fact, very proficient at being depressed.

Wisconsin: You don't know anything about me! 
DC: I know EVERYTHING about you! You are an open book written for very dumb children!

Chapter Text

DC: Why isn’t the statue smirking at me? 
Alaska: It isn’t smirking at anyone, they’re all just imagining it. 
Louisiana: Three of us saw it, Alaska. How do you explain that? 
Alaska: *points at Nevada* Sleep deprivation. *points at New York* Paranoia. *points at Ben* Delusional personality disorder.

New Hampshire: Bitches be like “he’s my right hand man” JUST SAY HE’S YOUR BEST FRIEND. SAY IT. 
Maine: New Hampshire have you considered that maybe right hand man sounds cooler and has more homoerotic subtext? 
New Hampshire: New Hampshire has reconsidered. You’re right. 
Massachusetts: Finally, an example of productive discourse and growth.

Kentucky: Tennessee! This soup is flaccid! 
Tennessee: LITERALLY WHAT THE FUCK DOES THIS MEAN?!

DC: Can you recommend a book that'll make me cry? 
Maryland: General Mathematics 8th Grade Edition.
(That is so real ngl)

Gov: My stomach growled super loud in French. 
Gov: I would like to clarify, my stomach did not speak in French. It growled during French class. 
Louisiana: Bonjour. 
Iowa: Le growl. 
Kansas: Hon hon hon, feed me a baguette.
(If you can guess why I chose those states for the French speaking I love you)

Massachusetts: I’m taking a look at your numbers, and it doesn’t look good. You have a lot of measurements. Quite a few variables. 
California: Is that… bad? 
Massachusetts: Variables are the #1 risk factor for outcomes. The past is a big contributor to the future. 
California: Isn’t that just causality? 
Massachusetts: Causality is the leading cause of death in this country. 
California: So what are my odds? 
Massachusetts: Do you have a family history? 
California: Of what? 
Massachusetts: Just, in general. 
California: …Yes? 
Massachusetts: Oh no.

Maine: So, what are we doing? 
Massachusetts: Wasting our lives. 
Maine: I meant for lunch...

Alaska: I'd make fun of your height but there isn't enough to make fun of.

New York: *Reading a letter* 
California: Well, what does it say? 
New York: It’s a confession letter. It turns out Maine killed my pet rock.

Utah: I wish I had acid. Thank you, Jesus. Amen.

Florida: Everything’s fine, Maryland. 
Maryland: Florida, I know your relationship with the english language is strictly casual, but you- I- *deep inhale* ALLOW ME TO TELL YOU WHAT’S NOT FINE.

Mississippi: But when all hope seemed lost, I had an epiphany! 
Mississippi, earlier: I'm going to throw myself into the sea.

California: I can't believe you've done this..... 
Florida: I'm sorry I didn't know-! 
California, on the verge of tears: YOU CAN'T JUST BUY ME A GIFT OUT OF NOWHERE NOW I FEEL LIKE A HUGE ASSHOLE!

IDC: FIGHT ME, YOU NERD ASS SLUT! 
Utah: At least try to sound slightly more sophisticated when you threaten someone. 
IDC: Oh, I'm sorry. I should ask; dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good bitch? 
Utah: Somehow that's worse.

New Jersey: That sounds like a terrible plan. 
Massachusetts: Oh, we've had worse.

Iowa: I know what you're up to. 
Ben: Really? Because I barely know.

Florida: New year, same me. Because I'm perfect.

Idaho: When's the last time you slept? 
New York: Uh... a few days ago, I think. 
Idaho: A few- how many?! 
New York: Uh... *starts counting on fingers* I need more fingers... 
Idaho: What you need is sleep!

California: Oh and for your information, I don't have an ego. 
California: My facebook photo is a landscape.

IDC: And if you have any suggestions, please put them in the suggestion box. 
Gov: That’s a trash can.

Tennessee: Whether or not I pay income taxes is none of the government's business. 
Gov: No, well, actually, it is. 
Tennessee: You don't know my name or what I look like, good luck finding me.

DC: My favorite outdoor activity is going back inside.
(Same)

New York: Whose turn is it to give the pep-talk? 
Montana: *sighing* Massachusetts. 
Massachusetts: Fuck shit up out there, but don’t die. 
New Hampshire: *wiping away a tear* So inspirational.

California: The next time I open up to someone, it'll be my autopsy.

New Mexico: That sounds super! Doesn’t that sound super, Kentucky? 
Kentucky: No. 
New Mexico: I think I speak for Kentucky when I say it sounds really super.

Montana: It kind of feels like you’re prioritizing work over our friendship. 
Utah: Because I barely know you? 
Montana: Fine, message received.

CDC: Sometimes I like to place my hands on someone’s cheeks, look into their eyes... 
CDC: ...And violently jerk their head until it snaps. 
Kentucky: ...That took an unexpected turn. 
Florida: So did their neck.

CDC: I have seen a lot of murders in my time, and all six of them were today.

Ben: *walking around disappointed after visiting an aquarium* 
Kentucky: Ben, what did you think a tiger shark was?

Massachusetts: Where are my fucking keys? 
Gov: Massachusetts, Maryland is around, can you say it a little nicer? 
Massachusetts: May I ascertain the whereabouts of my FUCKING KEYS?!

New Jersey: Good morning. As you begin your day, remember that violence is always an option and often the answer. 
Greg: 
New Jersey: 
Greg: ...Please, go back to bed.

Florida: I just drank a lego piece. 
California: ...what the hell?! You melted plastic and drank the liquid? 
Florida: Yes. 
California: Why did you even melt a lego in the first place?! 
Florida: Because it looked like chocolate! So I drank it! You know, like a chocolate shake?

Idaho: Wanna get out of here and grab a bite to eat. 
New Mexico: I don’t usually eat with losers. 
Idaho: Neither do I but I asked you, didn’t I?

Kentucky: We can bake these cookies at 400 degrees for 10 minutes or 4,000 degrees for 1 minute. 
New York: No, that's not how you make cookies. 
Greg: FLOOR IT!! 
Kentucky: How about 4,000,000 degrees for 1 second?!? 
New York: yOU'RE GONNA BURN THE HOUSE DOWN- 
Kentucky: I'M GONNA HARNESS THE POWER OF THE FUCKING SUN TO MAKE COOKIES! 
Idaho: DO IT! 
New York: NO-

Hawaii: All right, y'all! Let's take a vote! 
Massachusetts: A secret vote. Everyone close your eyes. 
*the Squad closes their eyes* 
New York: We don't see the result! 
Massachusetts: Well, just say your vote out loud. 
Louisiana: Won't we recognize each other's voices? 
Ben: Hawaii has a point.

New York: Do you want to play 20 Questions? 
DC: Sure! 
DC: Whats your favorite color? 
New York, laser fucking focused: Triangle. Do you like men?

Alaska: Hey, Maine. What kind of flowers do you prefer? 
Maine: I like sunflowers. 
Alaska, pulling out a bouquet of Venus Flytraps: Well, shit-

DC: My expectations are low, but they can always go lower.

Mississippi: *Gets down on one knee* 
Massachusetts: Oh my god! It’s finally happening! Mississippi: *Collapses*
Massachusetts: The poison’s kicking in!

Ben: Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. 
Gov: How so? 
Ben: It keeps you from screwing up for 8 hours.

Florida: Can I ask a dumb question? 
Montana: Better than anyone I know.

Chapter Text

Pennsylvania: “You’re grounded for... till college!”
Gov: “FOR TILL COLLEGE?”
Pennsylvania: “FOR TILL COLLEGE!“

Virginia: “Why are you high fiving me? I’m trying to beat you!”

Kansas: “We can do cult things.”

New Mexico: “That’s just me being a Mexican kid, sorry.”

Nevada: “I swear to God, I just heard somebody say chug it.”
California: “Whatever keeps me employed.”

New Hampshire: ”Well... My name is Tyler Jones...”
Vermont: “Wait for it...”
New Hampshire: “But... you probably know me as... Professor Ozpin.”
Vermont: “Ha. Ha-ha. HA HA I DID IT!” *raises fists into air, then falls onto floor*

Ohio: “Today, you’re going to be trying some disgusting food trends from around the world.” Mississippi: “Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!”

New York: "Be the bigger person."
New Jersey: "No? I’m 5’2 and bitter. You be the bigger person."

Maryland: “I need you to BACK OFF! I’m supposed to be meditating!”
(Why tf did I read that as “I’m supposed to be intimidating!” Like I reread it 3 times and I solidly thought it said that 💀)
(Y’know what? Fuck it.)

DC: “I need you to BACK OFF! I’m supposed to be meditating!”
(I’ve done it.)

Colorado: “I'd rather have weed.”

Gov: "And I couldn't have filmed it without my sidekick!"
Gregg: "No offence, Gov, but you're the sidekick."
Ben, in the background: “what am I?! A roach?!”

Florida: "I'm not like a regular roommate, I'm a cool roommate. Right, Cali?"
California: "Please stop talking."

Nevada: "To what do we owe the honor of this visit?"
Utah: "Jesus.”

Gov: "What’s the one thing I told you two not to do tonight?" Louisiana: "Bring back the dead."
Gov: "And what did you do?"
Massachusetts: "bring back the dead."

Florida: “It’s because I’m Hispanic, y’all.”
[OR]
Hawai’i: It’s because I’m a girl, y’all.”

Florida: “I’m sorry, but what the fuck is a radian?”
(Idk bro. Idk.)

Wisconsin: "I enjoyed that like a mayonnaise sandwich. Just a big ole glass of eh."
(…I hate this quote so much)

California: “Just buy a puppy and play with it. That’s like the equivalent of 40 drugs in one. ... on steroids.”
(My guy knows from the 60s. Y’know, flowerchild era and shit. Cal was 💯 a flowerchild.)

California or Massachusetts: “You see that? Fire is catching! And if we burn, you burn with us!!”

Florida: “What?! I can’t read!”

Wyoming: “Why have all these letters if you’re not going to use them, Massachusetts?”
Wyoming: “Either pronounce them the way they’re written, or write them differently, Massachusetts!”
Wyoming: “This is why the rest of America says you’re an asshole.”
(Chat it ain’t that hard -_- just ignore the letters that don’t belong. Duh. 😒/j)

Minnesota: “That’s so cool! This is the coolest language.”
Arizona: “Yeah, no. I’m just gonna go.”
West Virginia: “It sounds more like an ancient prayer than a town.”

Ohio: “Do you cry much? It looks like an ad for an antidepressant.”

New York: “Can you guys say Colorado?”
New Hampshire: *flies by on skis, in a giraffe onesie* “I’M A GIRAFFE!”
(???)

DC: "To be a little bit stupid. Nah, it's to go wild."

Wyoming: “Oh. Yeah. I should get out of the car.”

California: “Which room is Louisianas?”
Florida: “The room with the hot guy in it?”

Colorado: “It’s ok, so long as you have your rolling paper, you can get high over and over again.”

Nevada: “Hello? Is anyone around? I swear we’re not Mormons.”
Utah: “I- you know what never mind.”
(I’m aware I pair them up a lot ok?!)

Iowa: “I used too much egg.”
(Iowa is the leading producer of egg in the US)

CDC: “Shut up! Shut up! Science facts! Science facts! Zoom!”
(🤷🏼‍♀️)

Florida: “Everyone loves shiny shit.”
(So real Florida.)

Montana: “Stone cold killer.” Colorado: “Yes, that’s me. A stoned, cold, killer.”

Connecticut: “Hey bro, can I have a sip of that water?”
Rhode Island: “It's not water.”
Connecticut: “Vodka! I like your style!”
Rhode Island: “It's vinegar.”
Connecticut: “What?”
Rhode Island: “It's vinegar, pussy.”

New York: “Dutch punch!” *just... punches Massachusetts out of nowhere*
(Cause y’know, NY was a Dutch colony before they were part of the Middle Colonies with the Brits?)

Massachusetts: “Shut the fuck up. I am going to murder you.”

California: "No voting. This isn't a democracy."

Chapter Text

Gov: So, everyone, what does a country NEED?
Virginia: A constitution!
New York: A plot!
Massachusetts, a gleam in their eyes, in a near-whisper: REVENGE.
(I chose Virginia for constitution bc Jammie Madds [James Madison] wrote the constitution and he’s from Port Conway, Virginia.)

California: Good night.
Louisiana : sleep tight.
Florida: Don't let the bedbugs crawl up to your ear and whisper threatening things that make you question
yourself.
New York: Great, now California’s crying

Florida, texting California: I’m a theif.
California: Thief.
Florida: Theif.
California: I before E except after C.
Florida: Thceif.
California: NO.

Gov: Where’s Massachusetts?
Louisiana: Around.
Gov: Around?
Gov: You don’t have any idea, do you?
Massachusetts, coming out from who knows where covered in dust: “did you know there’s a dungeon with chemicals and a cell down there?”

New York: There was a motor close to where I am right now.
New Jersey: A motor- a motorcycle?
New York: Oh sorry, a murder.
Massachusetts: That escalated quickly.

Florida: Hoodie pockets are so great. I can fit like three sandwiches and a grenade in there and my hands are
still warm

Pennsylvania: THEY’VE SEEN US! Quick! Seduce the guard!
Virginia: *Walks up* Well hello there handsome, what’re you doing alone at this time of night?
Massachusetts: *Flustered mess* I- um- uh- I-
Pennsylvania: *Processes what just happened* SEDATE I MEANT SEDATE
(Virginia’s there cause, y’know. ‘Virginia’s for lovers’ and shit.)

Nevada: “I’m sorry Daddy, I’ve been naughty 😩”
Utah: “FOR THE LAST TIME! YOU SAY-SAYING ‘THAT’ IS NOT THE SAME AS ME SAYING ‘FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED!!!”

Ohio: Welcome to Fucking Applebees, do you want apples or bees?
Iowa: Bees?
Ohio: THEY HAVE SELECTED THE BEES!
Iowa: Wait-
*Michigan approaches, shaking a jar of bees menacingly*

Gov: “‘It’ll be fun’ they said. ‘Run the government’ they said. Don't listen to them, they lied.”

New York: We're having a baby.
California: Oh, congradu-
New Jersey, slamming adoption papers onto the table: It's you, sign here.

Gov: What's the scariest horror movie you've ever watched?
Rhode Island: The Conjuring.
Texas: Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Utah: Hereditary.
Maryland: The Blair Witch Project
Pennsylvania: The Silence Of The Lambs
Massachusetts: Shutter Island
California: High School Musical. All throughout high school I was scared that everyone was gonna randomly get
up and start singing and dancing, and I would be the only one who doesn't know the words.
(If you can guess why each state is there, I love you so much. Also why did I spend so much time researching this T-T The original quote had 4 peopleeeee. Also can u tell I love horror movies? You should watch Smile Two. It’s so good.)

DC: Wow. I keep stepping on a lot of crunchy twigs.
Gov: Those are bones, DC.
DC: *looks straight up* Not if I never look down.

Hawaii: Nebraska? What are you doing her-
Nebraska having been dragged to the beach by Florida, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and holding a gatorade: My best.
(My logic for this pair. Hawaii is the least landlocked state [it’s an island so duh] and Nebraska is the most landlocked. Florida is here/mentioned bc plot and he’s the chaos.)

California: I have a bad feeling about this...
Florida: What do you mean?
California: Don't you ever get that little voice in your head that tells you if you're going to get into trouble?
Florida: No?
California: That actually explains so much.

Texas: If you were my husband, I'd put poison in your drink.
California: If I was your husband, I'd drink it.
(So in my usual AU I have them as cousins cause history, but this is if they weren’t.)

Montana: Life could be a lot worse Minnesota
Minnesota: Life could be a whole lot better too!

Maryland: Everything will be ok. You can not stop it.
Maryland: Everything will be fine. You have no choice.
Gov: What the fuck kind of pep talk is that?
Maryland: Ominous positivity.

Mississippi: Can you pass me the people-opener?
Georgia: …Did you just refer to a knife as a “people-opener”?
Mississippi:
Mississippi: …Should I not have?

Massachusetts: I'm not mean. Name one mean thing I’ve ever done.
Maine: When we were younger, you convinced me eggs weren't real.
Massachusetts: They're not.
Maine: Haha, very funny.
Massachusetts: I'm serious. Didn't you hear?
Maine: No... what happened?
Massachusetts: ...Why would you fall for this again-
(When me and my younger sister were little, I convinced her that her last name was travesty bc it sounds vaguely similar to our real one. She used to introduce herself to people using her full name and one day she says [fake name obvi] ‘my name is Maddie Leigh Travesty.’ To her littler friend. She was like four or five. I was seven and already pulling shit like that lmao)

Oregon: Why are you on fire?
California: This is just how my day is going.

Florida, grinning: Before you were what?
California: Before I was-
Florida: What?
California: Before I was inter-
Florida: Before you were interrupted?
California: Cut me off one more time and I swear I'll-
Florida: What?
California: *makes an angry screeching sound*
Louisiana, mildly concerned: Stop that. Before he hurts you.
(California is making food in the kitchen! Holding a cleaver :D)

Alaska: Accidentally indulged in too much ‘free time’, turns out I’ve been reported missing for
over six months and presumed dead by most local and national authorities. Good.

California: Unfortunately, due to several experiences in my youth, I cannot just 'walk up and join a circle of
people talking', but it does sound lovely, thank you.
(Bro just look up California and cults and you’ll see what I mean if you don’t know already)

Florida: Oh, my God. Do you know what this is?
California: It’s a book. Surely you are capable of comprehending something simple like that

Massachusetts: “I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy” I would. Pussy.
Massachusetts: “I’m not gonna sink to their level” I will. Coward.
Massachusetts: “I’m the bigger person” I’m five feet 2.5 inches (that should be abt 1.59 meters? MB if I fumbled that) tall give me the gun bitch.
(Basically Massachusetts in the revolution)

Chapter Text

California most of the time: Fuck capitalism. It's a rigged system that keeps us poor and it isn't fair. You shouldn't need to work three jobs to afford basic necessities.
California when playing Monopoly: Sorry, if you wanted to win you should have tried not being poor.

Connecticut: Rhode, are you ticklish?
Rhode Island, takes 10 steps back: “No, of course not”

Greg: (writing in his diary) Day 183. I’m stuck in what appears to be the ‘Statehouse’, surrounded by creatures of all sorts of species, the likes of which I’ve never seen before. After months of thorough
observation, I have concluded that-
California: *to the tune of Final Countdown* IT’S A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!
Florida: (off-key kazoo)
Greg: …
Greg: -there is no intelligent life here.

Rhode Island: (middle of the night) What time is it?
Connecticut: I dunno, hand me that trombone.
Connecticut: (blasts the trombone)
Massachusetts: WHO IS PLAYING THE FUCKING TROMBONE AT 2 A.M.?
Connecticut: 2 a.m.

Ohio: Star signs, Hogwarts house, alignment, none of that matters. To find out who someone truly is, you
only need to ask one question.
Ohio: Do you dab, or do you yeet?

Maryland: You shouldn’t be unhappy because unhappy spelled backwards is yppahnu and I don’t know what that means.

Louisiana: So, how’s your day going?
California: Well, Florida asked me my favorite color, then told me I was wrong.
Louisiana: So, pretty normal then.

Alaska: I just don’t know what I should say.
Hawaii: Just say, ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ then move on.
*At the funeral*
Alaska: I’m sorry for your loss. Move on.

Florida: I’m the most chill person I know.
Ohio: Last night, the cashier gave you the wrong king of McFlurry, and you screamed, ‘YOU MCFUCKED UP!’ at him.

California: (pointing at Louisiana) Dis a witch doctor.
California: (pointing at Massachusetts) Dis a witch and a doctor.
California: (pointing at Greg) Dis a human.
California: (pointing at Ben) Dis a director.
California: (pointing at Rhode Island) Dis a shortass .
California: (pointing at himself) Disappointment.
Gov: California, no.

Colorado, Going to get a snack: I’m gonna munch, I’m gonna crunch.
Colorado: *does a very strange walk*
Utah:
Utah, whispering: What the fuck is he on

Ohio: Bacon bits are just meat sprinkles.
Indiana: I’m going to have to ask you to never open your mouth again, tHaNkS.

Utah: I wish I had a super-tight knit group of friends I could fight crime with.
Florida: I wish I had a super-tight knit group of friends that I could commit crime with.
Ohio: I wish I had a super-tight knit group of friends.
California: I wish I had friends.
Rhode Island: I wish I could knit.

Massachusetts: You’re clearly not listening. I can say whatever I want.
Pennsylvania: Mm-hm, tell me about it.
Massachusetts: I murdered New York last night.
Pennsylvania: I feel you.
Massachusetts: Now that I have a taste for blood, I can’t stop murdering.
Pennsylvania: Been there.
Massachusetts: GIVE ME ATTENTION PENNY

California, trying to open a can of tuna: Our can opener is broken.
Florida: So it’s a ‘can’t’ opener?
California: I can’t believe I live with you.

Gov: What are you trying to do?
Florida: Blackmail you.
Gov: Blackmail the personification of the U.S federal Government?
Florida: Yes.
Gov: I don’t like it.
Florida: I’m fairly certain you’re not supposed to.

South Carolina: Today Georgia forgot my name and called me ‘North’ on accident and I have never felt less loved in my entire life.

New York: Massachusetts goes from 1 to 100 real quick.
New York: Like I’ll say ‘haha, your face is stupid’ and he’ll say ‘haha I hope you die a slow and painful death’

Florida: Why did the chicken cross the road?
California: I don’t know, why?
Florida: To get to their best friend's house.
Florida: Knock, knock.
California: Who’s there?
Florida: The chicken!
California:(looks at him, starts to cry)

Chapter Text

California: Is there anything we can do?
Florida: Well there is one thing, but it's terribly dangerous and practically illegal. So you've come to the right
place!

|=====|=====|

*New England states + Gov playing (insert game)*
Gov: Do you miss being on Mass’s team?
Maine: No.
Gov: Why not?
Maine: Have you ever been on Mass’s team?
Massachusetts, to Connecticut: FASTER, FASTER, FASTER! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?! IT MEANS
MORE FAST!!

|=====|=====|
(MAG is Mississippi, Alabama, and Georgia)
Gov: Team MAG share a braincell. Luckily, it's normally Georgia that has it.
|=====|=====|
Georgia: Gov, WE GOT A CODE RED!
Florida: What's a code red?
Gov: It means Mississippi has the braincell.

|=====|=====|

Utah: *holds the door open for Montana* After you
Montana: No, after you
Utah: I insist, after you
Nevada: *pushes past both of them* After me
(Montana and Utah statistically have some of the nicest rated people)

|=====|=====|

CDC: I don't have a favourite state.
CDC: They all annoy me equally.

|=====|=====|

Tale as old as time~
Oregon: Memes as old as vine~
California: Beauty and the-
Washington: YEET!
Hawaii: ...Why did I sign up for this?
(I feel like I’ve used this before but idgaf honestly bc I love it and it talks abt vine and I miss Vine so much. Maybe if TikTok gets real banned this time Vine will make a comeback 🤞🏻)

|=====|=====|

Minnesota: What's it like living with Maryland and Virginia?
DC: One time I asked Maryland for a glass of water when they were mad at me.
DC: They brought me a glass of ice and said 'wait.'
Gov: when I was a day late on rent I came back to my room covered in their merch.
(I HC that Mary, Ginny, Gov, and DC would all live together [not counting Statehouse stuff] bc istg I heard Mary tell Gov pay rent in an episode and I took of running with it lmao)

|=====|=====|

California: I'm the most responsible state in the west!
Wyoming: You are literally on fire.
California: And I take full responsibility for that!
(My condolences for anyone who has lost anything, anything, had to evacuate, etc due to the fires going on in California right now. Obviously no pressure and I can’t make you do shit, but I would recommend looking into the fires if you don’t know about them, and if you are capable look into ways you can help (EX: donations, food, water, money) to help those effected by the fire.)

|=====|=====|

Gov: Is anyone going to tell me what's going on here?
North Dakota: Well it's kinda complicated but Florida-
Gov: Got it. Forget I asked.

|=====|=====|

Britain: I made tea.
Massachusetts: I don't want tea.
Britain: I didn't make you tea. This is my tea.
Massachusetts: Then why did you tell me?
Britain: It's a conversation starter.
Massachusetts: It's a horrible conversation starter.
Britain: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.
Massachusetts: I’m gonna dump it in the harbor. Just to spite you. Again.
|=====|=====|

CDC: The path to inner peace begins with four words
Alaska: Not my fucking problem?
CDC: No…(?)
(My dude is considering it and I don’t blame him.)

|=====|=====|

California: I'm well aware that I've accidentally set myself on fire and it's none of your business. I don't
need your pity water either. Let me burn in peace.

|=====|=====|

"Relationships are overrated. Everyone should be more like me: alone and unhappy."
-Alaska

|=====|=====|

Florida: California just took the wheels from my heelys, I feel like Lucifer stripped of his wings
Florida: I have to walk down the hallways like a common wench and I'm livid
(I want heelys D:)
|=====|=====|

Utah: Listen up teens, there's nothing "meme" about smoking cigarettes. It's not "Netflix and chill" to take a
drug. "Fidget spin" yourself into church

|=====|=====|

Random Person: [About the states] Have you no control over these people?
Gov: Oh absolutely none whatsoever

|=====|=====|

Illinois: People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don't care about anybody
Indiana: If you decide to have a problem after midnight, that's between you and God
Ohio: How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons?

|=====|=====|

Gov: It's been a tough year
Pennsylvania: It's the first week of February?
Gov: your point?
(Fuck February starts this week)

|=====|=====|

Florida: If you listen closely to dishwashers, you can hear the slurping sounds of the hundreds of tongues
inside cleaning off the dishes
California: I'm not a violent person but I'm about to be

|=====|=====|

Iowa: She was poetry, but he couldn't read.
Idaho: His name was Jared, he's nineteen.
Washington: When his parents built a very strange machine.
Kentucky: Watch that scene, digging the dancing queen.
New Mexico: Ay, macarena.
Gov: Horrible job, everyone.
(Let’s fucking go another vine. If you get I love you so much. If you want to get it just look up on YT or smthng “What up I’m Jared, I’m nineteen, and I never learned how to read.” )

Chapter Text

California: Florida can be... immature sometimes.
Gov: Sometimes? Remember how excited he got when he found out he could drink two caprisuns at once?
Florida: [Holding three caprisuns] Guys, you're not gonna believe this!

Utah: Don't you have to go be obnoxious somewhere else?
Nevada: Not until four.

Nevada: The sound of high heels on the pavement as you walk is the ultimate power trip, like you could be
buying milk or on your way to assassinate someone.

Gov: What are the best ways to take care of your mental health?
Virginia: Talk about your feelings.
Hawaii: Not having tourists.
Texas: Eat brisket.
New Jersey: Recite a dark spell.
Utah: recite a prayer
Michigan: Throw your phone in a lake.
Florida: Kiss a slug gently.
New York: Scowl.
Massachusetts: Make fun of someone you don't like.
Colorado: Lie down in the dirt and let the earth slowly reclaim you.

Maryland: There's always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Gov: It's usually an oncoming train.
Maryland: Could you just not try to kill my vibe for five seconds?

Oregon: *messaging Washington* I just heard a bouncing noise in the kitchen and then that was followed by Idaho saying “Oh no my potato”

Florida: do you wanna know a secret?
California: Florida it’s 3 am. Go to bed.
Florida: The secret is the house is on fire.

Nevada: WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?! YOU DIDNT COME HOME!!!
Utah: I-I was at a party!!! Smoking weed!!!
Nevada: Don't lie, you were at the LIBRARY you fucking nerd

Basically the entire Northeast: I am not 'full of hate' as if I were some passive container. I am a generator of hate, and my rage is a renewable resource, like sunshine.

Nevada or Florida: Why do people have quiet, respectful funerals? When I die, I want my ashes mixed with glitter and
packed tightly into a coffin, and then they blow up the coffin with explosives so glitter rains down on the guests
while blasting "Thanks for the Memories" by Fall Out Boy.
(This is so real)

Florida: Can Centaurs slap their own ass to go faster?
California:
California: Alright that's it, I'm sending you back to Louis.

New York: Hey Maine is it true that Mass used to be on a debate team?
Maine: Oh yeah, Mass was on one for a little bit, but he got kicked off
New Hampshire: How did he manage that?
Massachusetts, walking in the room: Well, apparently "Yeah? Well Fuck You!", is not an appropriate rebuttal...
New Jersey, New York, & New Hampshire: ...
Massachusetts: See, I thought I had won. After all my opponent was speechless. But I guess I violated the 'cOdE oF
cOnDuCt' or whatever
Maine: He wasn't allowed to go back unless he apologized for that... and for calling the judges 'a bunch of worthless pretentious side characters'...
New Jersey: Hm
New York: Yeah, that sounds about right

California: since I'm gonna be gone for a while, I've left a complimentary bowl of advice.
California, picks a paper out of bowl: for example, "Florida, stop doing that" applies to everything.

Gov: What is your weakness?
All the states: I can be uncooperative
Gov: Can you give me an example?
The states: No.

Ohio: Every time I go to a hotel I take a bite of soap, just to mess with people.
Michigan: You DO realize that by eating soap, you're the one who's losing, right?
Indiana: You're just jealous he was brave enough to taste the Forbidden White Chocolate.
Illinois: White chocolate's disgusting!
Michigan: AND SOAP ISN'T?!?!

Florida: Must be hard not being able to laugh
Gov: I do have a sense of humour you know
Florida: I've never heard you laugh before
Gov: I've never heard you say anything funny

Florida: If you bite it and you die, it's poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it's venomous.
Colorado: What if it bites me and it dies!?
Michigan: Then you're poisonous. Jesus Christ, Coco, learn to listen.
Iowa: What if it bites itself and I die?
Louisiana: That's voodoo.
Wisconsin: What if it bites me and someone else dies?
Massachusetts: That's correlation, not causation.
Florida: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die?
Nevada: That's kinky.
Utah: Oh my gosh.

Chapter Text

Iowa: There was a motor close to where I am right now.
Kansas: A motor- a motorcycle?
Iowa: Oh sorry, a murder.
West Virginia: That escalated quickly.

————————-

New Mexico: Are you trying to give me a fucking aneurysm?
DC: Pretty sure we all are.
Oklahoma: I wasn't.
Indiana: I was.
Hawaii: I was trying to stop them, for your consideration.
Florida: I just cause aneurysms naturally
————————- Pennsylvania: Maryland? What are you doing here?
Maryland, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, sunglasses and holding a gatorade: My best.
————————- Florida: I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say ‘wow’ that many times during their first session with a client, but here we are.
South Dakota: My only talent is being stress.
Missouri: Don't you mean stressed?
South Dakota: No.
————————- North Carolina: Hey, you want a tarot reading?
South Dakota: Those are Pokemon cards.
North Carolina: You got a magikarp.
South Dakota: ...
North Carolina: It means 'fuck you'.
————————- Wyoming: Hey, can you do me a favor?
Washington: Sorry, I have to go do literally anything other than this.
Wyoming: You don’t even have a legitimate reason?
Washington: Oh, no, I do.
Wyoming: Well, what is it?
Washington: You see, I simply don’t give a fuck.
————————- West Virginia: Oh, so when crows remember people who wronged them and hold grudges, its “intelligent” and “really cool”.
West Virginia: But when I do it, I’m “petty” and “need to let it go”.
————————- New Hampshire: Nevada, I need some advice.
Nevada: You need advice from ME?
New Hampshire: Yeah, frightening, isn't it?

————————-

Nevada, talking about Connecticut: Is this a friend of yours, Rhode Island?
Rhode Island: Kind of? Not really. They're in my life and there's nothing I can do about it.

————————-

Colorado: I am the most responsible person in the group.
Connecticut: …You just set the kitchen on fire.
Colorado: Yes, and I take full responsibility for that.

————————-

Kansas: Underestimate me. That'll be fun.
New Hampshire: I don’t know, they just don’t seem interested...
Alabama: Did you try talking to them?
New Hampshire:
New Hampshire: Try what?
————————- New York: Massachusetts is the bravest person I know. They can go into the Spirit Halloween without crying.
————————- Kansas: There are some things beyond our understanding. We must accept them and learn from them. Because these moments of crisis are also potential moments of faith. A time, when we either come together or fall apart. Nature always has a way of balancing itself. The only question is, what part will we play?
Alabama: Did you just make that up?
Kansas: No. I read it in a fortune cookie once.
Alabama:
Kansas: A really long fortune cookie.
————————- Michigan: *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said I’d tell you when we’re in too deep?
Wisconsin: Yes?
Michigan: We’re in too deep.
————————- Mississippi: I don't dab. I stab.
DC: Do you have a superpower?
————————- Florida: Yep! It’s hindsight.
DC: …that’s not going to help us.
Florida: Yes, I see that now.
————————- New Jersey: Being smart has never stopped me from being a complete fucking idiot.
Texas: *standing on a balcony and sneezes*
Oregon: *standing on the roof* Bless you.
Texas: God?!
————————- New Hampshire: Why does Maine always do the laundry so loudly?
Oregon: So everyone knows that no one helps them out in the house.
Maine, in the distance: *slams the washing machine shut*
————————- Florida: So I got this amazing plan!
California: We fail almost every time you say that.
Florida: Well this is the same! But with a hamster involved.
————————- Florida: Hey, Delaware, where are you going?
Delaware: Well, it depends. When I die, probably hell.
Delaware: But right now I’m going to McDonald’s.
————————- Wyoming: Christmas is cancelled.
Oklahoma: You can't cancel a holiday.
Wyoming: Keep it up, Oklahoma, and you'll lose New Year's too.
Oklahoma: What does that mean?
Wyoming: Iowa, take New Year's away from Oklahoma.
————————- Nevada: Let’s not Gov this into a worse situation than it already is.
Gov: Did you just use my name as a verb?
————————- Kansas: Might I make a suggestion you possibly won’t like?
Illinois: Do you make any other kind?
————————- Ben: That sounds like a terrible plan.
Ohio: Oh, we've had worse.
————————- CDC: If you put 'violently' in front of anything to describe your action, it becomes funnier.
CDC: Violently practices.
Massachusetts: Violently studies.
Iowa: Violently sleeps.
Utah: Violently shoots pictures.
Texas: Violently boxes.
Alabama: Violently murders people.
Iowa: Violently worries about the previous statement.
————————- IDC: DC, where’s your report card?
DC: My friends stole it from me at school, so now I don’t have it anymore.
IDC: Do you think I’m stupid enough to believe that lie?
DC: What lie?
IDC: That you have friends.
————————- Mother Nature: It's not ugly, just aesthetically challenged.
(Told u I’d get her in one of these days)

————————-

Tennessee: Can I have some water?
Kentucky: *starts chugging their water bottle*
Kentucky: *chokes from drinking too fast*
Kentucky: *spills water all over themself*
Kentucky, coughing: I don't have any water.
————————- California: Oh my money.
Gov: Don't you mean 'oh my god'?
California: You worship your god, I'll worship mine.
————————- Gov: Oh my money. Utah: Don't you mean 'oh my god'? Gov: You worship your god, I'll worship mine. OR Nevada: Oh my money. Utah: Don't you mean 'oh my god'? Nevada: You worship your god, I'll worship mine. (The credits for the ideas of the two other “oh my moneys” are from 4or5As who made a comment about it) ————————- Mother Nature: You gotta slow down and smell the flowers… appreciate life’s miracles.
Mother Nature: Like me. I’m life’s greatest miracle.

————————-

Colorado: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
Kansas: If you say "addict-ionary" I swear I will cut you.
Colorado: I was actually going to say "high definition", but your answer is much better.
Kansas: …
————————- Ben: I have yet to encounter a problem where a sword didn't factor into the solution at least in some way.
West Virginia: Two wrongs don’t make a right.
Texas: *sighs* That’s true…
Texas: But two negatives make a positive!!!
————————- New York: The only thing keeping me from running away and hiding from society for the rest of my life is spite. I could disappear forever, but there are some bitches whose downfalls I have yet to witness, and I wanna be around when that happens.
————————- Gov: Can you keep a secret?
Greg: Do you know anything about my life?
Gov: No, I don't. Good point.
————————- Nevada, washing the dishes: Who the fuck used this pan??
Nevada: Wait. I the fuck used this pan…
Georgia: It was you the fuck.
Nevada: It was I the fuck…
Louisiana: Who cooks rice in a pan?
Georgia: They the fuck.
————————- Rhode Island: Hey, Maine? I need advice.
Maine: I’m pretty useless at giving advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment instead?
————————- CDC: I can't take you seriously wearing that.
Florida: Aw, you take me seriously at all?
CDC: Fair point.
————————- DC: ...My man Florida just killed a goldfish.
Florida: *licking their lips* Yup. Delicious.
————————- Utah: Sure, you're verified on twitter, but are you verified in the eyes of god?
————————- Oregon: Tell me a little about yourself.
Michigan: I'd rather not, I really like this group.
Mississippi: That’s why we needed to get an expert.
Georgia: Oh, really? Who did you get?
Mississippi: *stares*
Georgia: Oh! Right, that’s me… Yes.
————————- California: You shouldn't be using a straw.
Florida: I know, I know, it's bad for the environment and stuff.
California: Yeah, but I mean... It's a weird way to eat spaghetti.
————————- California: What am I supposed to do?
Arkansas: If I were you? I’d try and make peace with whatever deity, pantheon, or Divine Other you believe in.
California: I’m an atheist.
Arkansas: Then just get ready to die I guess.
————————- Mississippi: "Go hang a salami" backwards is "I'm a lasagna hog".
Ben: How did either of those sentences occur naturally for you to discover this?
————————- Illinois: Can I have your number?
Michigan, visible texting: I don't have a phone.
————————- California: Wait a minute, how did this happen? We're smarter than this!
Florida: Apparently, we're not.
————————- New Jersey: Guys, they're definitely prepared for us. They even have a training model of our brand new top-secret stealth helicopter.
New York: No you idiot, that’s ours we crashed!
New Jersey: Oh yeah. I guess that makes more sense.
————————- Alabama: I’ve become a bread crumb dealer to four crows at the lake. They pay me with a bit of everything. Like shiny things, fabric, or pens. But recently they paid me with a 20 dollar bill they found somewhere. So I decided to buy them some more expensive bread. They loved it. So they understand what to do. Give me money. I’ve probably racked up about 200 dollars at this point. Is it morally wrong though, I mean. They’re the ones who steal the money from others. Or perhaps they just have a big pile laying somewhere. Should I keep on doing this?
Oklahoma: You sound like the start of a Batman villain.
(This lowkey sounds fun idk)

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CDC: Why is it that I always lose things as soon as I need them?
Utah: Actually, it's not that you lose things when you need them. You lose them a while before. It's just that you LOOK for things when you need them.
CDC: Okay yeah thanks Utah, that's great but WHERE'S THE FUCKING FIRST AID KIT?
————————- Florida: In case you haven’t noticed, I’m weird. I’m a weirdo. I don’t “fit in” and I don’t WANT to fit in. Have you ever seen me without this stupid hat on? That’s weird.
————————- Mississippi: You know me, Arkansas, I don’t take any shit. You know what I say to my haters?
Arkansas: What?
————————- Mississippi: I say: “Please don’t hate me, I’m really nice.”
Murderer: Any last words?
————————- Maryland: Do you think I'm cute? Be honest.
————————- West Virginia: No, this is not a mess. You know what I consider a mess?
Mother Nature: Your life?
West Virginia: I- well yes, but-
————————- Montana: I’m a fool, not an idiot.
Tennessee: Pineapples are—
Colorado: —IN MY HEAD!
Tennessee: Wrong.
(I thought that line too-)

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Indiana: How the hell did you crash the car?!
DC: So I was just driving today, right? And my navigation told me to go straight.
DC: I was like "woah, that's homophobic". Instead, I went gay. And, THAT'S when I got into an accident.
Indiana: ...
Pennsylvania, with a proud smile: And THAT'S my son, ladies and gentlemen.
————————- Oklahoma: It's locked. You got a lock pick?
Tennessee: Yeah-
Alaska: *kicks in the door*
————————- New Jersey: So what’s for dinner?
South Carolina: I can’t tell you, it’s a soup-prise!
New Jersey: …
New Jersey: Is it soup?
South Carolina: I soup-pose it could be! *winks*
New Jersey: Please, enough with the soup puns!
South Carolina: Wow, you’re soup-per mean.
New Jersey: STOP!
*one hour later*
New Jersey: It’s fucking tacos?!?!?!
————————- Gov: No more making fun of me when I misuse dated cultural references, alright? Are we cowabunga on this?
Mississippi, sighing: Fine. We're cowabunga.
————————- New York: I hate when people ask me, 'What did you do today?' Buddy listen, I woke up at noon and then it was five p.m., okay? I don't KNOW!
(Real)

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Utah: What’s sexting?
Nevada: I'm not having this conversation with you.

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*At the police station*
Missouri: Hi, I’m here for Florida.
Police officer: Who’s Florida?
Missouri: Ah, you must be new.

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CDC: If you got arrested what would be the charges?
New Hampshire: Disturbing the peace.
Rhode Island: Arson.
New York: Theft.
New Jersey: Aggravated assault.
Massachusetts: All of the above. In that order, probably.
(This is a vaguely accurate timeline for the American revolution. We got just like the colonists disturbing the peace, the burning of the Gaspee in 1772, theft and such from the Tea Act with smuggling tea from other sources,and then finally the Boston Massacer. Like I said, very loose but somewhat accurate.)

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South Carolina: Uh, Alaska? Delaware is in the pool and I don't think they're waterproof.
Alaska: What?
New Jersey: I think they meant, Delaware is drowning.
Alaska: WHAT?!
*Meanwhile*
Delaware: *is drowning*
California: OH MY GOD, DELAWARE! KEEP SWIMMING!
Delaware: I can't swim, dumbass— *sinks*
California: DELAWARE!

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