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Trina walked into the gallery, her eyes scanning the area, searching him out. His presence was always the strongest here because most of their most precious moments were here in the gallery. Another thing to be grateful to Ava for. She gave them a space to just be them.
“There you are pretty girl,” Spencer smiled, lounging behind Ava’s desk, his feet propped onto the now cleared desk, his hand positioned behind his head.
Trina couldn’t help her smile. Of course, he was even more beautiful in his angelic form as he was in life and his bigger-than-life personality drew her in, just as it did when he was alive. “Ava would hate it if she knew that you had commandeered her desk.”
“Good thing that she’s not here right now,” Spencer chuckled, getting to his feet and walking to the front of the desk to lean against it. “I do have to say, I miss this place.”
“It was ours,” Trina nodded.
“Yes, it was. Keep the violin kid out of it, please.”
“Spencer!” Trina giggled and rolled her eyes. “You can’t be jealous of Gio.”
“Oh you mean the new Quartermaine gossip? Nah!”
“Stop it!” Trina laughed.
Spencer’s grin was infectious as he took her hand and pulled her close. “There’s that beautiful Trina laugh.”
She wrapped her arms around him and rested her head against his chest, again missing moments like this so much. Moments in the gallery, where it was just them and their love and nothing else existed. Moments that could no longer exist in the real world. Hot tears filled her eyes and she pressed her face against his chest in order to hide them as she began to sob.
Spencer rubbed her back in soothing circular motions, lending her as much comfort as he could. “Trina, I meant to make you laugh pretty girl. Not cry.”
“I know...I know. I’m sorry...it’s just...I miss this so much. I miss you. It’s not fair…”
“I know. I miss this too. I even miss Ava. To think, I have so much to thank her for when it comes to you and our relationship.”
“She gave us the gallery and her support. Her support gave me strength and determination not to let my mother’s feelings interrupt what we had. Thanks to her, I had so much time with you. Time I am endlessly thankful for.”
Spencer’s smile was sad. “Ava has her faults, but she was good to and for you. She was definitely good for us. I’ll always be thankful to her for that.”
“I just hope that she can get out of the mess she’s in now. So many people are against her, Spencer. Even I had a moment of doubt...but not for long. If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s to trust my first instincts. My first instinct told me to trust Ava and I do. She said what happened was an accident and I believe her.”
“Good, because it was an accident. Kristina maybe my cousin, but to be honest...she’s reckless and doesn’t think. She’s also clumsy...and did I tell you about the time she tried to get me to spend time with Esme, trying to stick it to Joss, who was giving me advice about my relationship with you and how to avoid your mother?”
“Ugh. Don’t remind me,” Trina sighed and pulled away. She silently went over to the bench and sat down, her mind going to her earlier conversation with Ava and the words she had said about Esme. Words that might be misconstrued by her angelic boyfriend. “Spencer...I know that you must be mad at me right now.”
Spencer frowned and went to sit next to her. He took her hand in his and held it lightly. “Now why would I be mad at my beautiful Trina, huh?”
“About what I said about Esme to Ava.”
Spencer winced and then gave a weary sigh. “Not mad...just...confused? I mean...you said that you stopped blaming her...but it’s a fact that she is to blame.”
“I know, I know. I didn’t mean it that way. As you probably know, I’ve been seeing a therapist, because I was having such a hard time dealing with my grief. It was literally painful and...I couldn’t deal with all the dark thoughts. The love for you that had nowhere to go now. The hate towards Esme, and no way to express it without going to jail. I don’t think the cemetery would like it if I defaced what stands for her grave. So I went to grief therapy and we talked about the darkest parts of my grief...and my hatred of Esme Prince was a big part of it.”
“Understandably so.”
“Yeah. But having nowhere to go with that hatred...that anger...it was hurting my mental health and made even thinking about you painful because when I thought about you, I thought about her and what she did, and...it just kept me in a very dark space. And I know that you didn’t want that for me...and it was letting her win. I couldn’t even have my happy memories of you because what she did was attached to those memories, she was attached. Always lurking, just like she did in life. In death, she was always lurking just at the edges, reminding me why I can never have you in my life again.”
“Trina...I am so sorry. I wish I had never met her.”
“I wish that too. But...the past can’t be changed. You did meet her. You dated her. She was a constant presence in our relationship and I hate that she took what should have been a magical time from us. She stole our future, Spencer, and every time I think about what we had...she was there to spoil it. My therapist said that I was dwelling on what she did. That in order to heal and accept what happened...in order to have my memories of you without her presence lurking...I had to let it go. All my anger, all my hate towards her, I had to leave it by the wayside, because there was nowhere to direct it, with her being dead and all. It would just linger and ruin the memories of our time together and I couldn’t let that continue...because I need those memories, Spencer. I need those moments to survive, because...not thinking about you, not remembering you...it would kill me.
“So I had to make a choice. Hold on to all my hatred and blame towards a dead girl that I can never have justice against...or just let all the ill feelings go and not even think about her. It’s like I told her before Paris. We didn’t think about her at all back then...and I’m not going to think about her at all now that she’s gone. I will no longer allow that bitch to have any space in my mind because that space is only reserved for you. The man love.”
“I like the sound of that.”
“You do? Because now that I don’t even allow myself to even think about her...it doesn’t hurt as much to think about you. So you see, it’s not that I don’t blame her. It’s not that I don’t hate her for what she did. It’s that...I don’t let myself think about her. I don’t allow her that space any longer. I just think of you and what we had and how very special it was and how happy I am to have had that time with you.”
“I am glad that you don’t think about her, Trina. I really am. She’s done enough harm to you already. I’m glad that you’ve found a way to stop her from doing any more harm.”
“I just wish that I still had you with me.”
“I am with you. Always. From baby Irene’s funeral to that funny-as-hell moment when you slammed that door in Gio’s face. Even put a little extra force in that as well,” Spencer grinned.
Trina’s eyes widened. She always had thought that slamming of the door was harsher than she had meant for it to be. “That was you?”
Spencer just gave a shrugged. “His proximity was too close to my pretty girl.”
“Spencer!”
“I promise, when the guy is worthy of your company, I will behave. But that kid was annoying with his eagerness to gossip about Uncle Sonny and Josslyn’s mom…”
“You have to behave, Spencer. Trust me, I have no interest in Gio, beyond his artistic talent and the fact that his mom is from Italy…”
“She is? Oh wow!”
“Spencer!” Trina tried not to laugh, but couldn’t help it.
“Alright, alright. I’ll be good. It’s time for me to go anyway. Another day in Port Charles is upon you,” Spencer got to his feet and pulled her along with him. “Listen, about Esme, I understand. You still hate and blame her. You just don’t dwell on it anymore. I get it. If forgetting about Esme and her crimes helps you deal with my absence…. make remembering what we have less painful, do so. Forget all about her and just focus on us. I...I need you to be in a good place Trina. I need you to live your life and be happy. Especially, when you think about me. So I’m all for forgetting about she who will not be named.”
“I’m glad that you understand. I was worried there for a moment. I didn’t want you to ever think that I’d have forgiven her. That I don’t hate her. That I absolve her in any way. I may be a pacifist at heart, but I have my limits.”
Spencer just placed a warm hand against Trina’s cheek. “You never had to worry. I understand you completely, Trina Robinson. Now, wake up and go out there and be great. For the both of us.”
…..
Trina woke up, feeling as if another weight had been lifted off of her shoulders. Her eyes drifted to the dove that now sat on her dresser and she gave a soft sigh as she picked it up. These dreams of Spencer...they were her lifelines. Her remaining connection to the man she loved and she was beyond thankful for them.
“I love you Spencer Cassadine. I’m off to start another day in your honor.”