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The funeral was a somber affair of course. She stood with her family, trying to be as supportive as she could for TJ and Molly. She kept her eyes forward and tried not to let her gaze drift to a certain headstone. But once everything was done, she couldn’t stop herself from heading into that part of the cemetery where his headstone lay, surrounded by the flowers she had left the several other times she had visited. She lowered herself onto the soft grass and closed her eyes, letting the tears fall. She grieved for him, for herself, for the lost newly named baby. She cried for the grandmother she never and would never know. She grieved for Ava and the daughter she lost. She just grieved. So much that she didn’t even know that she had fallen asleep until she felt a gentle hand caress her cheek.
“Hey, pretty girl. Open your eyes.”
She didn’t waste any time and opened her eyes to stare into a pair of warm brown eyes that could only belong to one person. The only person that she wanted to see right now.
“Spencer,” She sat up and immediately fell into his arms, embracing him tightly as tears again began to fall. “I’m so happy to see you...today...it’s so awful. TJ and Molly’s baby…”
“Shhh, my sweet Trina. It’s ok. Your grandmother has her. I promise. She’s a really pretty baby too. She looks just like TJ.”
“You saw her?” Trina pulled away, her curiosity overtaking her. “You saw my grandmother too?”
Spencer smiled and nodded. “Your grandmother Irene is quite a lady. You would have loved her. You look like her, too. Beautiful brown skin and you have her eyes...as well as her compassion and empathy. I see where you got it from.”
“You’ve talked to her?”
Spencer simply nodded, his hands stroking her cheek. “Yes. She’s always watching over you and your family. Always there to give you all strength and love whenever you need it. Especially you, my love. Are you ok? It’s not just the baby that has you upset, I figure. What’s going on?”
“A lot of things...I’m feeling a lot of things today, Spencer.”
Spencer frowned and got them both in a comfortable position before pulling her into a warm embrace. “What’s on your mind, pretty girl? Tell me all about it.”
“The loss of TJ and Molly’s baby...well it got me thinking. They’re the same kind of relationship we are...you know? If we hadn’t been careful...I could have been pregnant with your baby. I could have had a piece of you here with me...heck...I may have even given it to them to be raised by two parents instead of just me...but...then I realized that we never had that baby. We were careful and it was just a what if...and...I don’t know. I just feel sad that we didn’t have that. I mean….it’s just as well because you’re not here, but...it would have been such a comfort to know that part of you was. Not just a baby brother, but a son...a son that was part of us both…”
“Trina…”
“I know. I’m silly.”
“No. No, you’re not. I understand.”
“Now TJ and Molly’s baby is gone and…it’s not fair, Spencer. It’s just now. A part of me kind of wish that I did have our baby and let them adopt it because...TJ would have been an awesome dad! He is so kind and empathetic. He even understood my feelings for you and helped me realize just how deeply I felt for you and he never judged me for it. I wanted him to have that baby and my heart just breaks for him! It makes me angry, Spencer. Why is it that people like Esme can fall from the parapet of Wyndemere and have her baby be alive and healthy and safe, yet TJ's dies?”
“I don’t know. It’s not something that I can explain…”
“Don’t get me wrong. I am so glad that nothing happened to Ace. That he’s alive, healthy, and walking and even beginning to say words! I am so grateful for that and I wish that you were here to see that because you deserve that. You loved him so much. He was a gift that Esme did not deserve at all, yet Molly and TJ...two good people...they’re denied that gift! Why was Esme and her awfulness allowed to have a beautiful healthy baby when TJ and Molly, who never hurt anyone, are denied it? It makes me so angry! So very angry!” Trina began to sob, pressing her face against Spencer’s chest as she voiced feelings that she had been holding back since Kristina’s fall into the pool. “It’s just not fair and the fact that you and I will never have that either…”
“I know, baby. It isn’t fair. None of it is. But such is life, I suppose. Some of us are gifted with things we don’t deserve while the rest of us...are only given crumbs. It’s not fair and you have every right to feel angry about it. Just don’t let that consume you, alright? Be angry. Be as angry as you want to be...then let it go. Because if you don’t, it’ll eat you up and you won’t be able to enjoy the gifts that you are given and the gifts that are on the way, alright? Promise me, that Trina. You won’t let this consume you.”
Trina could only nod, unable to get the words out. She just snuggled more into his embrace. “I love you so much, Spencer.”
“I love you too. Now...that’s not the only thing on your mind. Tell me what else is bothering you.”
Trina sighed and sat up, keeping her eyes on her hands. “I had an argument with Joss today and it just got me feeling a way. I’m just...realizing some hard truths.”
“What do you mean?”
Trina met his eyes, a tear sliding down her cheek. “You were probably right to be down on Joss. You saw things about her that I refused to see and now I am seeing them and I don’t know what to think.”
“I’m right again, huh?” Spencer grinned, his eyes teasing.
Trina rolled her eyes. “Don’t get ahead of yourself, Mr. Cassadine.”
“Never, Trina Robinson,” Spencer chuckled.
“Anyway...Joss and I had a disagreement about Ava...and then...Ava and I had a...confrontation. A confrontation where I demanded for Ava to tell me the truth about what really happened with Kristina. At first, she didn’t want to tell me. At first, she claimed that it was too dangerous. But I didn’t let her throw me off and she did come clean. She told me and Spencer...it hurts so much to say this...but that’s more than I had ever gotten from Joss...ever! With Joss, it’s always ‘I can’t tell you. It’s too dangerous. Dex or someone else would be in danger.’ Like I would go tell anyone what she told me in confidence. She never gave that much trust like I always give her...but Ava did! Even with the stakes so high! Even with how much danger she’s in, she told me the truth! She didn’t hide anything because we’re friends and she trusts me! She trusts me where Joss doesn’t that…”
“Breaks your heart,” Spencer pulled her back into his arms and held her tight as she again began to cry.
“I don’t know what this means for our friendship Spencer. Joss and I have been best friends since high school. I had trusted her with everything! Yet she doesn’t trust me at all!”
Spencer stroked her back as he allowed her to sob for a few minutes before talking again, kissing the top of her head. “Trina...I...I can’t say what it means for your friendship. That is for you to decide. How much does the difference between your friendship with Joss and Ava mean to you? I can’t tell you what to decide or how to feel and you know that Ava was never my favorite person. But I do know that she’s never lied to you. Not once. She’s never held anything back and that’s not something I can say about Joss. It doesn’t mean that Joss is not your friend...but it may mean that she’s not as good of a friend to or for you as Ava is. Despite Ava’s many faults. And that’s coming from someone that can’t stand Ava.”
Trina sniffed and nodded her head. “That may be the case. Joss said she hated to be in the same category as Ava when it came to friendship…”
Spencer couldn’t help but snort. “Well, she doesn’t have to worry because she’s not. In my not-so-humble opinion, and again, this is a lot coming from me...Ava’s friendship is far superior. She never lies to you. She never acts like you wouldn’t understand what’s going on. She trusts you and your opinions. She never told your boyfriend to go back to Europe and stay there.”
“What?”
“Never mind about that. It’s just...I’ve known both Joss and Ava for a long time and if I have to choose who is a better friend to you...it’s Ava. Hands down. Again, doesn’t mean that Joss is not your friend, that she doesn’t love you. It just means that your bond with Ava is a lot stronger and a lot more meaningful than the one with Joss.”
“So what should I do? Tell Joss that we can’t be friends anymore?”
“No...just know what’s what. Know who is in your corner and just how much they are in your corner. Ava and Joss have both been Team Trina where it matters...but only one can be expected to be completely truthful with you, no matter what and that’s not Joss. Just be very aware of that.”
Trina nodded, getting what Spencer was saying. “I get it. I...I miss you so much, Spencer! I need you now so much!”
“You have me now and forever, Trina. Always. Whenever you need me, I’m here. That will never change.”
Trina smiled and touched his cheek, happy to know that even when it comes to Ava, Spencer will always be truthful with her, even if it’s a truth that he doesn’t like, like Ava’s loyalty to her. “Thank you for not being so petty this time.”
“Well, let’s just say that it’s a good thing that Ava’s loyalty to you is so apparent. Not even I could deny that.”
…..
A hand on her shoulder was what brought Trina out of her sleep this time. She blinked her eyes repeatedly to see Marshall giving her a sad smile.
“Marshall?” Trina rubbed the sleep out of her eyes.
“I knew you looked rather tired at the funeral. Wasn’t surprised to find you here visiting Spencer,” Marshall gave her a sad smile as he helped her to her feet.
Trina sighed and nodded. “I’ve been doing that a lot lately. Visiting Spencer...even though he’s not here...but...this headstone is all I have.”
“How are you holding up baby girl?” Marshall asked, wrapping an arm around Trina.
“Some days are better than others. Sometimes I feel like it’s getting better, but then something happens to throw me for a loop again and I’m back at square one. I don’t think I’m ever going to get over his death.”
“You won’t. I mean...my Irene has been gone for quite some time now, but I still feel her presence. Especially today of all days. I felt like she was right there with us and the grief was back. But tomorrow, I’ll probably feel better once again,” Marshall sighed.
Remembering what Spencer had said in her dream, Trina leaned into her grandfather and gave him a kiss on his cheek. “She was here with us...just like Spencer and still is. They’re both with us. Even if we don’t see them. They’ll never leave us alone. Not really.”
“That’s very wise of you, sweetheart. Such an Irene thing to say.”
Trina simply smiled and glanced at Spencer’s headstone one last time as Marshall led her away. She knew that her words were true. The dreams she had were proof that Spencer was still with her, just like she knew that her grandmother was still with Marshall and always would be.