Work Text:
There is an intense displeasure as Younghyun forcibly drag his steps to an unfamiliar aisle.
His mind keeps going back to the school and friends he left behind. He could've stayed in his grandparents' house and finish Middle School with his childhood friends. But here he is in a new city after his dad accepted a new job that required him to move.
Younghyun snaps back from his thoughts after a loud and strong bump on the shoulder caused by a running student dropped his bag. He clicks his tongue and tried to pick it up, however, the other student was swift to hand him back the bag.
"I'm sorry, I'm in a hurry. Are you alright? Are you hurt?"
Younghyun doesn't answer and aggressively pulled his back bag without giving a glance to the other student who was stupefied by his action. Younghyun continously walked, only to realize that he headed to the wrong classroom so he had to return from his steps and find his room once again.
Despite not being late for school, he was a little late entering the classroom, although no one really considers it late without the teacher's presence so he freely walks in and chose a seat.
The worst part of entering a school in the middle of your year level is the possibility of getting left out. The students already knows each other and are all gathered with their friend groups, talking loudly to one another that he is sure he'll be alone until the end of the year or probably until graduation. He hopes there will be another student like him in the same classroom so he doesn't have to be alone. He chose the available seat in the middle of the second row that doesn't look occupied and quietly observes before pulling his phone out from his pocket to not be too obvious that he is a loner.
"Oh, you were the guy earlier."
Younghyun blankly glances to the seat next to him and finds a boy with curled dark hair and thick glasses. Those eyes are round and large. His nose is round and he has thin pink lips.
"The corridor. We bumped.." The boy attempts to describe the scene by touching his own shoulder when Younghyun didn't reacted.
"Ah.." Younghyun finally remembers. He didn’t look earlier so he didn't see the face.
"Ah? Ouch." The boy cutely puffs his cheeks for a second before turning his attention to some guys gathered in the first row. "Guys, come here." He beckons.
All of a sudden, there are five other guys surrounding them, looking down. "What was your name again?" The boy nudges despite staring at his name tag.
"Young.. hyun. Kang Younghyun." Younghyun blinks before his interest to the boy takes over, shifting his gaze to the name tag.
"Guys, Kang Younghyun. He's a new student." The boy introduces him to his friends and started naming each of them for him. And the boy finally says his name. Wonpil. Kim Wonpil.
Since that strange first day of class, Younghyun found himself hanging out with Wonpil and his friends. He didn't really had to try hard. Wonpil would always drag him along wherever they'd go. He thought he won't fit in with the group but the next thing he knew, he's already part of them.
Younghyun is seated next to Wonpil so he thinks they're a lot closer. Younghyun is very competitive and works really hard to aim for good grades while Wonpil always says he's an average, Younghyun doesn't see it that way. Well, Wonpil's grades are average but when he pushes himself to his limit, he is above average so Younghyun brings Wonpil home sometimes before exams to study and Wonpil would look at him with his wide and determined eyes behind those eyeglasses. He would sometimes furrow and pucker his lips when he's confused then he'd stare to nothing when he is tired. It's easy to read Wonpil's expression which makes it simple for Younghyun to accomodate Wonpil's feelings.
Younghyun likes Wonpil's company because Wonpil gives him all of his attention despite knowing his group of friends first before him. He is a good listener, he empathizes with deep sincerity that he thought at first was too good to be true but as time passed, he realized Wonpil was just that kind of person, Wonpil is a kind person and he thinks he will never find someone who is as good as Wonpil. So he puts his earphones on and played a song that reminds him of Wonpil.
"What are you listening to?" Speaking of the angel. Wonpil takes off one of his earphone and plugs it in his ear as they both sit next to each other in the bus for their next study session. "Hmm.. it sounds good. What's the title?"
"What a Wonderful World."
"What a Wonderful World?" He mumbles as he struggles to speak in English. "It sounds like a classic."
"It is."
"Do you like this kind of song?"
"I like any kind of song."
"Me too." Wonpil places his warm hand at the back of Younghyun's phone which he is holding, allowing their hands to touch as Wonpil pushes the phone closer to his face to read the name of the artist. "I'll listen to it again when I return home."
"...."
"Ah, right. Christmas. Your parents won't be home, right?"
"Why?"
"You can come over. Let's celebrate it together."
"Together? Like.. just us two?"
"Why? Is it boring? Should we contact the boys?"
"No. I like it. Just us two."
"Great. It's my treat!"
This is why Younghyun likes Wonpil because Wonpil don't like Younghyun to be alone. Even if Wonpil doesn't ask and he never tells, he thinks Wonpil could understand him better than anyone. His first impression to Wonpil is surely not great but Wonpil still took him in like an abandoned child that needs shelter. Younghyun thinks Wonpil is his best friend and he hopes among his friends, even if he came a little too late, Wonpil would feel the same way about him.
But the next school year came and he is no longer seated next to Wonpil. Instead, Wonpil is seated next to a new guy. A transferred student. Meanwhile, Younghyun is sitting at the back of the class in the third row while Wonpil and the new student are seated at the first line of the same row with Wonpil endlessly talking while the other boy intently stares and listens to him.
Wonpil is not an extrovert, he is shy and he doesn’t talk a lot to new people but Younghyun realized that Wonpil tries hard to speak if he wants to take care of other people. And even if Younghyun became friends with Wonpil that way, he doesn’t like it. It feels like his best friend is going to be taken away from him. He wonder if their other friends felt this way when Wonpil would hangout with him more often because he can see where this is going. Younghyun is surely going to be replaced.
Dowoon. Yoon Dowoon. That's the transfered student's name. For some reason, his background story was just the same as Younghyun. His parents moved to another city because of work but Dowoon came from a city that speaks with a dialect. At first, listening to Dowoon makes them giggle but as time pass by Wonpil’s getting influenced of Dowoon's accent. They hangout way too often that Younghyun feels like he is getting left out. The group are still together and it doesn't seems like the addition of new friend bothers them but it was different to Younghyun. Wonpil was closer to him, Wonpil was supposed to be next to him but now, Wonpil's showing his gummy smile and crinkled nose, giggling to Dowoon's jokes.
Dowoon was shy at first that his face would turn as red as a tomato but once he warmed up, he became more playful to joke around. Younghyun had to admit that Dowoon is a funny guy. He is witty and silly. Moreover, what makes him even more interesting to the friend group is that he is smart. He might be a genius. Younghyun can only be above average if he put an effort in his studies but Dowoon seems to have a photographic memory. Even if he sleeps in between classes, there is no mistake. His test papers are always perfect. He never forgets anything that was said. But he is always humble. He doesn't brag about anything. When they visited his house, it was full of medals and certificates. While the friend group boasted how amazed they are of his achievements, Dowoon's ears just turned red as he stood in silence with a smile on his face.
That is why Younghyun stopped inviting Wonpil to his house before exams. He doesn't have to. Dowoon is the smartest student in their year level now and Wonpil is the closest to him. He is sure Dowoon can tutor Wonpil.
However, despite swallowing the pill that he is nothing compared to Dowoon, it still hurts seeing his name at the second place. His best friend's stolen from him and his rank dropped thanks to the same person. His parents will surely be disappointed. But what can a competitive person do against a genius?
"Younghyun-ah.." Younghyun snaps out from his thoughts upon hearing his name.
"Huh?" Younghyun blinks and lifts his head up to the boy standing in front of him.
"Let's eat together. My treat."
"Okay. I'll let the boys know." Younghyun stands up from his seat to inform them. They'll have to celebrate Dowoon's rank in school.
"No." Wonpil pulls him from his wrist back to his chair. "Just the two of us."
This time Younghyun silently stares to Wonpil's eyes wondering why it only has to be the both of them when they should be celebrating Dowoon's achievement. But Younghyun doesn't really have the energy to ask and easily answered. "Oh.. okay."
Younghyun picks up the grain of rice in his bowl using his chopsticks. He never counted the rice in his bowl before because he's too busy eating. But he doesn't have an appetite today. If he counts it, will time pass by quickly for him to get home?
"What's on your mind?" Wonpil taps the tong he is holding to the bowl of rice Younghyun's staring at the whole time to get his attention. Younghyun lifts his head. "You've been out of it since this morning. Are you that sad?"
The pork sizzles in front of Younghyun and Wonpil. The smoke sways in their face.
"I've never been the smartest person in the class so I don't really know how to comfort you when it comes to something like this but.. I know you worked hard. You always work hard to achieve your goals, I see that so I hope you won't be disappointed for too long."
"It's not like that. I already knew he'd rank first. He's a genius."
"Then, why are you so down lately? You even forgot to review with me. You said we'll study together before exams. My rank dropped again because I couldn't study with you."
Younghyun was too caught up in his own problems that he missed to check Wonpil's rank. Wonpil has been improving since they started studying together, there is no way Wonpil can't maintain his grades when he is now seated next to a genius kid of the entire school. "Aren't you close to Dowoon? Is he not helping you?"
Wonpil puts down the tong and clicks his tongue. "Do you think that's what I meant?"
"I don't know what you mean. If you're looking for a study buddy, wouldn't Dowoon be the perfect person to study with?"
"Kang Younghyun, do you know that you've been very distant lately? I thought you have problems at home that you can't talk about so I have been waiting. I was really hoping you'd tell me one day because we're friends but if it's not it, I guess you just don't want to hangout with me anymore." Wonpil blinks away before he stood up. "I'll go."
And just like that, Wonpil and Younghyun became casual. It was no longer how it used to. They are still hanging out within the same friend group but this time, Wonpil's avoiding him. Wonpil would no longer meet his eyes. Younghyun don't know exactly what to do to appease the boy. Wonpil's silence took him to isolation. The world is slowly crumbling again, leaving him alone in the darkness.
The next time Wonpil smiled to him again, his heart crushed and was stepped on the ground.
"I'm sorry." Wonpil stares from afar as the friend group hangs out by the park.
"For what?"
"I realized how mean I was. I got upset on my own and ignored you this whole time."
"...."
"But if it wasn't for that, I won't be closer to Dowoon."
"...."
"Dowoon and I.. are dating."
As if a lump was stuck in Younghyun's throat and his breathings are being constraint, he could not utter a single word. He wants to express his happiness and congratulate his friend but he couldn't sense any happiness in his cells at all. He is the worst friend to exist. How is he not happy with his friend's good news?
"Are you that surprise?" Wonpil chuckles.
"Uh.. I.. cong.. congratulations."
"Thank you."
"...."
"Let's forget about what happened and start all over again, okay?"
"Okay." Younghyun breathes out before Wonpil disappeared from his sight to find Dowoon.
For some reason, Younghyun's eyes are wide open when he's usually asleep at this hour. Wonpil started wearing contact lenses when the new semester began so now, he can clearly see those eyes and he could not forget it. Those dark orbs were sparkling with joy. Why does his chest feel itchy and heavy as if a huge stone is hanging on his insides? He wants to rip his heart out and throw it away. He don't understand why he is acting like this. He tried to find the answer whole night that he went to school without a wink of sleep.
Then one day he saw them secretly holding hands. Smiling and giggling to one another. Whispering words no one can hear. It's like they are in their own world. And instead of the usual hangout with the group, Wonpil and Dowoon would now have their own separate time to spend together that they don't know. Younghyun must be so petty to think that Wonpil and Dowoon no longer care about the group because everyone doesn't seem to see it that way. Instead, they started getting jealous of seeing their romantic behavior and became interested in looking for someone to date. But Younghyun doesn't feel that way. He is not interested in dating anyone at all.
Even if Younghyun and Wonpil are talking again, everything is no longer the same since Dowoon came into the picture. Wonpil will not spend time with him anymore. And this year's Christmas, he will be home alone again. His parents don't really have time for him because of work and he also don't have any siblings or relatives nearby so he'll probably just sleep in like in any other days. He's already used to it but ever since Wonpil came to his life, everything changed. He became disoriented. Wonpil is like a rainbow for showing Younghyun a temporary colorful sky that once he's back to his own darkness, he feels like an abandoned chick. A surge of hate grew with Wonpil for caring too much despite knowing nothing is his fault. Now he despise himself for hating someone who is not responsible of the darkness he lives in.
A doorbell woke Younghyun up from his sleep. He walks down the stairs and checked the monitor before opening the gate. The temperature is in negative because it's winter and it's raining outside so Younghyun don't understand why Wonpil had to be in his house at this hour and wet from the rain when it's almost midnight.
"Why are you here?"
"Merry Christmas." Wonpil's teeth chatters from the cold.
"Merry Christmas..." Younghyun reluctantly replies.
"Are you just going to let me stand here? I'm really cold." He sniffles.
"Oh.. yeah. Come inside."
Younghyun hurriedly runs up to his room to find a new set of towel and a pair of clothes for Wonpil to change. Wonpil is smaller and thinner than him so he tried to find smaller clothes to fit the smaller body.
"Do you want to take a bath? You'll be sick like this."
Wonpil nods as he wrap himself in the towel, trembling from the cold. Younghyun entered the first floor's bathroom and turned on the hot water of the bathtub and prepared everything Wonpil will need before letting him in.
As Younghyun waits for Wonpil to finish his bath, he noticed a box of cake on the living room's table. Younghyun took a peek and saw a strawberry cake. Wonpil loves strawberry. He also bought a strawberry cake in last year's Christmas. Younghyun smiles from the memory but he immediately snaps back from it after realizing he's at it again. Reminiscing something he'll never get back. He hates to reminisce because disappointment always comes after whether it's about his parents or Wonpil.
Younghyun doesn't touch the cake and left it alone in the kitchen as he sits in the sofa, staring at the ticking clock above the television. It's five minutes before Christmas. Wonpil should not be here at a time like this. Christmas is a special day for families and couples. But Younghyun hears the door open from the bathroom three minutes before midnight so he walks right to Wonpil’s direction who is wearing his loose shirt and larger shorts, exposing his milky legs.
"Wonpil-ah.. it's almost midnight. You should get going."
"Huh?"
"I'll let you borrow my jacket."
"Why?" Ever since Wonpil started dating Dowoon, Younghyun no longer tried to read the expression on Wonpil's face however, at a time he wants to understand Wonpil's question, there is only a blank look in those orbs. Younghyun doesn't know what to do.
"Didn't you tell me before that you want to spend your Christmas with a special person? You don't want Dowoon to wait."
"I already met Dowoon. I came here to see you."
"Ah.."
"...."
"Are you checking up on me? You should've just texted. I don't want to interrupt your time with your boyfriend."
"That's okay. He might be my boyfriend but you're still my friend, right?"
"...."
"Do you hate that I'm here?"
"N.. no."
Wonpil deeply sighs after the stuttering short response. "Should I go home?"
"That is up to you."
"Kang Younghyun, should I go home?!" Wonpil's voice echos in the huge and empty house. "I am asking you." He demands.
"No. It's cold outside." Younghyun immediately replies. He wouldn't want to upset Wonpil again. He can't endure Wonpil ignoring him.
Younghyun opened the fridge full of ingredients and closed it again before turning to Wonpil's direction. "Did you have your dinner?"
He shakes his head as he sits in the dining.
"I'll be cooking. You can have a cookie if your hungry." Younghyun points to the cookie jar at the top of the fridge before opening the fridge again to find the ingredients he needs.
"Why do you put it at the top?"
"I eat too much. When it's somewhere I cannot reach, I won't be tempted."
"Does it really stop?"
"Hmm.. I lose appetite when I think about it but sometimes, when I'm low in sugar I can't help it."
"I see." He doesn't get to see Wonpil’s face but based on his tone, he seems a bit down and Younghyun tries to ignore it so he doesn't ask the wrong thing. He must've had a fight with Dowoon before coming here. "Cookie.." He mutters.
It took a bit of time to prepare but Younghyun was satisfied of the pasta he made. He's been practicing all by himself when he doesn’t have anything to do, however, he doesn't really have anyone to ask for an opinion so he's actually glad Wonpil’s here. It's been a while since he last asked Wonpil of his opinion about his food. And Wonpil enjoyed it. He has a satisfied look on his face. They also shared the cake Wonpil brought and talked about trivial things. He realized how much he missed being occupied of Wonpil’s time that if it's possible, he wants to stop the world from turning and stay at this moment forever. If only that's possible. But he knows for sure, when school starts, Wonpil will be occupied of Dowoon's time and he will be alone again.
Despite all his disappointment to himself for not being enough, Wonpil is still the kindest human to exist. He has an overwhelming empathy that Younghyun will never be able to return and after thinking for a while, he now understands why Wonpil was in his doorsteps tonight and eating the pasta he made with satisfaction on his face. "Wonpil-ah.. don't worry about me. I'm really okay. I can take care of myself." He assures the boy.
When Wonpil only curiously stared at him and Younghyun was unable to get a reply, he asked. "Did you and Dowoon had a fight?"
"No."
"I'm glad. That's all I have to say." Younghyun smiles at Wonpil. He's glad nothing's wrong with Wonpil's relationship. It should stay like that for a long time since Wonpil is happy and he deserves happiness for being kind.
In the next Christmas, Wonpil didn't come by and Younghyun peacefully slept until the next morning.
When Younghyun have gradually learned not to be petty of Dowoon's presence and accept that he can never surpass the guy, he heard a news that they broke up just before the final exam of their final year in Senior Year.
Without hesitation, Younghyun waits for Wonpil who is in a different section after class and dragged him to the bus.
"Where are we going?"
"My house. We're going to study."
"Study?"
It's been four years since Wonpil and Younghyun had a study session alone so it must've been a strange invitation.
Regardless of what Wonpil have in mind, he cannot let Wonpil drop from his rank all because of a failed relationship. "The exam is in two weeks, I can't let you fail."
Younghyun opened the pages in his book and his notes where he predicted the possible topics that will appear in the exam he prepared to study alone but now that Wonpil is here, Wonpil might want a photocopy of the notes to study so he is highlighting the most important points that will help Wonpil easily remember.
"Why are you doing this?"
"Because exam is in next two weeks?"
"We don't study together anymore."
"But Dowoon's not going to help you anymore. That's why I'm here."
"...."
"Remember when we didn't study together and your rank dropped? I won't let that happen again when we're already in our final year. You need to pass."
"...."
"Are there any topics that you find difficult to understand? We can start from there."
"Where are you going.. for college?"
"It depends on which University will accept me. But my goal is in Seoul. How about you?"
"Me too. I want to get out of this city."
"Let's study hard then."
"Are you not going to ask?"
"Ask what?"
"About Dowoon and I?"
"I don't have anything to ask but if you want to talk about him, I'll listen."
"No, I don't have anything to say."
"Okay. Shall we start?"
Younghyun doesn't pay attention to Wonpil's personal problem and focused on making sure the boy understands the review. The past will only hold him back if he doesn't do anything during the most crucial time of his life. If his goal is in Seoul, then his future should come first.
Just like that, Wonpil's rank increased in the entire year level. Higher than the previous years. Younghyun thinks that even if he can't surpass Dowoon's abilities, he sure is a better teacher to Wonpil.
Wonpil and Younghyun have different goals. Wonpil wants to be a kindergarten teacher and after hard and long thinking, Younghyun also found what we wants to be. During counseling, they've been asked about their career path and it dawned Younghyun that he hasn't decided about anything but every time he close his eyes, he remember Wonpil's reaction when he tastes his food that he wish he could see in other people's eyes as well so he decided that he wants to work hard and challenge himself until he can be one of the best chef in the country.
Wonpil made it to one of his chosen University and so it happened, Younghyun's first choice was also in the same university. What are the odds? Despite the difference in schedules, they always find time to see each other. Younghyun was reminded of the first year he spent with Wonpil. Wonpil is once again his closest friend. Their apartments are also nearby that it became a habit to hangout from one place to another. They learned how to drink alcohol and smoke cigarettes but Younghyun thinks cigarettes are not for him so he immediately stopped after one attempt. But drinking was necessary, it is one way to make friends so Younghyun had to keep drinking to socialize. He might've missed the chance to make a lot of friends during high school but this time he is not going to hold back. He will make friends and have a lot of fun until the end of his university years.
Younghyun joined school clubs just enough to occupy the time he doesn't have anything to do. He doesn't want to be stuck in his apartment alone when Wonpil stops spending time with him again so it's better to meet people and experience interesting things he's never done in life. He purchased equipments he'll need for mountain climbing, he wants to reach the sky like the cookie jar and cut the strings that are holding him back to be happy for Wonpil whenever he is with other people.
Another year has passed and just as Younghyun had expected, he was right to socialize and be in clubs because right now, Wonpil has introduced a new boyfriend. Sungjin. Park Sungjin. A man that has a mature and dependable aura. A really handsome man that Younghyun wouldn't really want to hangout with because it feels like his insecurities will show. Once again, Wonpil found himself an amazing man. He never really had a chance to ask but he thinks Wonpil doesn't have an ideal type when Sungjin and Dowoon's visuals are the opposite. However, he must've like guys who speaks with dialect. It must be attractive to Wonpil. Did he already forgot Dowoon? Younghyun wonders if Wonpil is still in love with Dowoon even if he's dating Sungjin. Unfortunately, he can't really ask those questions despite their close friendship. Not that Wonpil ever gets mad when he asks, he just have never really tried. Younghyun is a huge coward when asking deep and serious questions because once he does, those strange and uncomfortable emotions that makes his stomach churn makes him want to throw up. Even when he is not talking to Wonpil and Sungjin who is smiling from cheek to cheek right in front of him, there's tightness in his chest that makes him unable to breathe but he is proud to have successfully congratulate them in their relationship without stuttering compared when he heard about Dowoon. Younghyun had trained himself to be more accepting of other people entering Wonpil’s life, he can't be selfish and want Wonpil for himself. So he soon left the new couple alone and joined the new friends he made in his department.
This time for sure, Younghyun created a proper schedule so he doesn't have to feel miserable thinking about Wonpil not spending time with him. He spends them practicing the basic skills in cooking. He buys ingredients for his pleasure and cook food that he enjoys then send the rest of it to his neighbors and the friends he made. He used to give them all to Wonpil but now that he is dating someone, he should keep a good distance and not interrupt them. He wants Wonpil's relationship this time to be successful and longer compared to the time Wonpil had with Dowoon.
"Oh?"
"Oh, Younghyun-ah.. it's been a long time."
"Dowoon-ah.. why are you here? Are you enrolling?"
"Probably. I'm just going around the city to see which University I'd prefer."
Younghyun nods, shifting his gaze around the building with understanding. He also had the same crisis after passing a bunch of Universities before making his final decision.
"Do you have time? Let's eat together. My treat." Dowoon requested.
"Sure."
After graduation, Dowoon soon disappeared without contact. They thought it was because of Wonpil, then they found out later that he joined the military earlier than expected. Now that he's done, he already returned to the society and is planning on going back to school. Thinking about military, he should really go before he starts looking for a job. Although, he doesn't really know if that's a good idea.
"Do you still talk to Wonpil?"
"No, not really."
"You should've told us you're going to the military. Everyone was worried when we suddenly could not contact you."
"Sorry. I don't really know what to say."
"It's cool. You must've your own reason. Eat a lot, I'll buy this for you instead." Younghyun puts a meat on Dowoon's bowl of rice to express his affection and concern to his friend.
"Younghyun-ah, you're the closest person to Wonpil. Did he tell you why we broke up?"
"No. Why?"
"Nothing.. it's just.." Dowoon leans back and deeply sighs. "Is he still using the same phone number? I want to talk to him."
"Dowoon-ah.. he's still using the same number but he's already dating someone." Younghyun quickly clarifies before Dowoon can expect anything from Wonpil.
"Ah.." Dowoon paused as if he's still taking in the new information to his brain. Dowoon has always been sharp and quick-witted but looking at his friend who now has a broader chest and toned skin compared to their high school days, it seems like he could not process what Younghyun just said, he felt sorry. A stabbing pain of betrayal, regret and disappointment is not enough to describe the look in those eyes. The break up must've been so bad that even after two and a half years, Dowoon still haven't moved on. "I still want to talk to him."
Out of pity, Younghyun blurts out. "I know his class schedule. I can take you to him."
"You two go to the same university?"
"Hmm.."
"Did he perhaps followed you here?"
"No, Wonpil's original choice was different but he didn't pass the exam and decided to go here."
Luckily, Younghyun don't have classes left for the day so he stayed outside of Wonpil's room and waited while Dowoon was outside the department. He left a message to Wonpil so he doesn't have to be surprised of Younghyun's appearance just in case his boyfriend will come to meet him. Except, he didn't mentioned that Dowoon is at the University.
Wonpil's nose crinkled from delight once their eyes met. Guilt suddenly surges for not telling Wonpil his purpose of coming. The only time Younghyun tried to find Wonpil was after his break up with Dowoon and now it's because of the same person.
"Wonpil-ah.. I'm sorry, I didn't tell you." Younghyun guides Wonpil to Dowoon who is sitting outside. Wonpil's smile soon fade once his eyes met Dowoon.
"He said he wants to see you. Can't you just talk to him for a moment? He's still our friend and I feel bad. I'll wait for you there." Younghyun points at a bench from the opposite side, a little far to where Dowoon is standing, who is staring and waiting for Wonpil after noticing their arrival.
"...."
"If Sungjin's not picking you up, let's get home together. Hmm?"
There is troubled expression in Wonpil’s face but after a second, he reluctantly nods. Younghyun doesn't like seeing Wonpil getting forced out of a situation but he also don't want to see the miserable look in Dowoon's eyes. They are both his friends and he hopes for them to resolve any conflict left after their relationship. This is also a reminder to himself, to not fall in love with a friend that you cannot bear to lose. Although, he's never really fallen in love with anyone before.
Younghyun doesn't look their way. He doesn’t try to read the atmosphere between the two. If there are anything that he's most concerned about, he only hopes that the two won't argue. He kept his eyes glued to his phone for distraction until a shadow covers the sunlight striking on his face. Younghyun looks up to the person standing in front of him in sunkissed skin. When did Wonpil grew this tall yet still short in comparison to him? When did his facial structure became so mature? Wonpil have stopped wearing glasses and contact lenses after getting a lasik, his hair is straightened and now he looks perfect as ever yet Younghyun still could not help but miss the little boy with thick eye glasses and curly hair he first met in the classroom. His heart dropped once again from the thought of how stuck he was in the past, when it was only him and Wonpil. Way before Dowoon and Sungjin came into the picture. Why is Wonpil never satisfied of just the two of them together?
"Younghyun-ah.." Wonpil waves a hand in front of Younghyun's eyes.
Younghyun blinks rapidly, realizing he has been staring for too long. "Sorry. I was.."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Are you done?"
"Yes. Let's go."
"Okay."
Instead of taking a bus to their apartments, Wonpil asked to walk which wasn't really a bad idea for Younghyun. Even if he have to walk miles and miles away, if it is with Wonpil, he thinks he'd still like it. But Wonpil looked downcasted after talking to Dowoon. Perhaps, their misunderstanding are still not resolved and Younghyun felt bad that he had to bring Wonpil in that kind of situation without properly discussing.
"Younghyun-ah, why do you not ask me about what happened to me and Dowoon?"
"You and Dowoon are asking me the same thing. But the answer is, I'm trying not to."
"Why?"
"I know you don't want to talk about it."
"You're too presumptuous." Wonpil scoffs.
"You never tell when they ask."
"They were not you."
"You're not telling them because they are not me?"
"Yeah."
Younghyun thinks about it for a moment. How lucky that he still have that kind of privilege in Wonpil's life but his curiosity is not as big as the trouble he face every time Wonpil talks about someone else being more special to him. He knows it is a selfish act to pretend like he don't care but.. he is not Wonpil. He is not a good friend like Wonpil. "Don't expect anything from me. I am not going to."
"...."
"I don't want to know." He repeats. Just in case Wonpil doesn’t understand.
Wonpil halted his steps with Younghyun following suit, shifting his gaze towards the shorter. "Do you not care about me at all?"
"I just don't want to know your personal affairs."
Wonpil's lips bitterly curls up before he walks away. This time Younghyun could clearly see that Wonpil is not only upset of him. Wonpil looks defeated and angry. And if he doesn't try to explain himself, he'll probably going to be shut down again like in the past and they will return to the days they were not talking to each other. Younghyun can't go back to those days. He won't be able to bear it.
"Wonpil-ah.." Younghyun repeatedly calls as he chases before he could pull the man by the arm.
"What?" Wonpil's tone are full of annoyance as his eyes meets Younghyun, making him cowardly step back. "Why? Why do you keep calling my name?!"
"I'm sorry about Dowoon. I won't do it again. I promise I'll never.. never interfere again." Younghyun doesn't make any sense. The confusion was evident in Wonpil’s furrowed brows and absurd gaze but the guilt he felt seeing Wonpil's somber state after his conversation with Dowoon urges him to say it. And he means it. "I don't really want to upset you but I can't help it. I don't know why you want me to ask you questions I can't ask. I can't do it. If you tell me to do anything for you, I'll do it. But if it's about Dowoon or Sungjin or someone else, I don't like it. Even if it's unacceptable to you, there is nothing I can do but please don't ignore me. I can't bear not talking to you."
Wonpil's furrowed brows was replaced by a baffled stare. "Younghyun-ah.. what's wrong? What is this all about?" This time Wonpil is calmer as he try to understand the fear in Younghyun’s eyes.
Younghyun wanted to find the right words that he wants to keep explaining but once his eyes met a familiar person, all of a sudden, he blanked out and realized how stupid it was to attempt saving a friendship when all it do was hurt him. Until now, he still never knew why it hurts. He should stop hurting Wonpil as well. He has been taking advantage of Wonpil kindness. What happened to setting boundaries and expectations? He should be climbing mountains and drinking with friends, rather than causing Wonpil trouble who has given him his spare time.
"I'm sorry. I don't mean to say all that. I can't really understand myself so how can I know what's wrong? Just ignore me if that's what you want. I'm sorry again for not being a good friend to you."
"No, Kang Young— Younghyun-ah!"
Younghyun ran to the opposite side where Wonpil's boyfriend was coming from and tried to catch a taxi parked in the closest area without looking back.
Younghyun always thought that if he just study hard, he'll be able to find answers in everything but Wonpil is not covered in the books he read so he doesn't know what to do. He still ask himself in his countless sleepless nights, yet he still could not find the answer he's looking for after all these years.
His phone pings, indicating a message that he confirmed from his mom. To his surprise, he didn't think his parents still remembers his birthday since they asked him to return home before the said date. Younghyun's birthday is six days before Christmas and thanks to that, Younghyun doesn't have to remember that he was neglected and had never really celebrated a birthday but when he met Wonpil, Christmas has become his new birthday. The cakes Wonpil would bring during Christmas they'd spend together were all he can remember.
And there's a small box wrapped with a black ribbon in his hand. His parents smiled at him with an excitement in their face so he curiously opened it and finds a key. A car key. He studied driving and passed the exam just because he wants to keep his thoughts away from Wonpil. So Younghyun isn't really as excited as his parents, he did not even asked them to buy him anything but what he can do is show them a smile and a tight hug. His parents whispered the words "I love you" which he naturally replied with an "I love you too". But Younghyun doesn't even know what it truly means. It was said that love is a special experience. They said friendship is love, care to mankind is love and adoration to animals is also love, Younghyun have given love and showed the best side of him by doing better in school and entering a prestigious university to be reciprocated but in the end, he was still an empty shell that no one cares about. Younghyun gets exhausted too. He's tired of getting reminded everyday that he wasn't good enough.
The sound of doorbell in Younghyun's apartment disturbed him from his sleep. It's already an afternoon. He did not even noticed he has been sleeping the whole day. He checks from the monitor and finds Wonpil waiting for him outside. It has been a month since he last showed his face to Wonpil, he thinks every time Wonpil is mad, it was all his fault so he kept running away. Wonpil don't usually get mad with anyone, he doesn't hold grudges and he thinks there's always beauty in people. That should be why, despite of Younghyun's rude behavior in their first encounter, Wonpil still took him in and adopted him to his group. Younghyun doesn't deserve Wonpil's kindness. And Wonpil doesn't deserve to be treated like this.
"Where did you go again?" It's the first thing Wonpil said the moment the door was opened.
"I went home."
"You celebrated your birthday."
"Not really, they just gave me a gift."
"That's the same."
"It's common for them to give me things I don't need. I don't think they remember my birthday."
"So why were you not answering your phone? I called you several times."
"I'm embarrassed after leaving you like that. I don't know how to talk to you."
"Let me in."
"Ah.. I'm sorry." Younghyun opened the door widely and gave Wonpil space to enter the narrow entrance but Wonpil only stepped in and didn't move. He then shifted the direction of his body to Younghyun who is standing in the corner. Younghyun stares at the shorter man who is blankly staring at him getting closer with an inch left that if Wonpil takes another step, their bodies might collide.
"I have always been there for you but why can't you see me?"
"...."
"You are making me feel worst because you're not talking to me. What's on your mind? Tell me."
"I'm thinking why you are standing here like this."
"Is that all?"
"Why did you come to see me?"
"Is that all?"
"Why are you so kind to me? I have always been the cause of your anger but why do you still want to be friends with me? I even ignored your calls. I don't understand your patience at all. Are you always this nice to everyone? What if people takes advantage of you? Who will protect you? What will—"
Wonpil places his palm to Younghyun's lips and once again stepped forward, letting their bodies touch. An invisible spark caused the engine in Younghyun's heart speeds up at the close to no gap distance of their body. He's never been this close to Wonpil before, not that he is not allowed, he just can't because of this kind of intimidation he feels when Wonpil's face is too close to him.
"You always talk too much but you always shut me out when I try to talk to you. Do you know how much that hurts? And I'm not patient. I have my own ego too but because of you I have to come here just to break the news that I broke up with Sungjin."
Younghyun's almond eyes widen upon the news. His mouth opened with nothing to say. He wants to know the reason but the urge to ask isn't as huge as Younghyun's fear of knowing deeper about Wonpil. He doesn't want to hear something he wouldn't want to know. He looked down to avoid Wonpil's eyes and started thinking about the clothes that he needs to fold once Wonpil leaves.
"Are you not interested to know?"
Younghyun vigorously shakes his head.
"I broke up with him because of you."
Younghyun pushes Wonpil's hand from his mouth. "Me? Did I anger Sungjin last time? What do I do?" Younghyun's eyes brimmed with tears. He is a really useless friend. He made Wonpil sad because he brought Dowoon to him and now he broke up with Sungjin because of him. He should probably stay away from Wonpil but thinking about Wonpil not existing in his life, it already feels like he wants to die. Wonpil is the only person who really likes to hangout with him.
"No. You don't have to do anything. I messed it up all on my own. I was stupid to think that I can fall in love with someone else."
"Are.. are you still in love with Dowoon?"
"I thought I did. But it was only an infatuation. I stayed in the relationship because I know no better. I didn't want to hurt him but I made it to the point that I was already hurting him because of my action. That's why I ended it. When we met last time, I finally found the courage to tell him so I want to thank you for bringing him to me."
"...."
"Do you still not want to know the reason?"
"I told you already, I don't want to know."
"Then answer me. Why? I need to know why."
Younghyun is getting pressured. This is more difficult than the essays and recitation he's ever taken in his life. "I don't know why. It's just.. I feel uncomfortable every time you talk about how close you are to other people. I don’t want to see it. It makes me don't want to know anything about your romantic life. But.. that doesn't mean I hate it. I want you to be happy. I really do. That's why, it's okay if you stop hanging out with me. You even broke up with Sungjin because of me. I'm sorry for always causing you trouble." The more Younghyun speaks, his tears began to fall from the overwhelming amount of honesty that he is getting off his chest. "You've always been so kind to me but I.. I.."
Wonpil hushes him, rubbing his thumb to the taller’s cheeks. Younghyun naturally leaned in to the touch. He should be the one who's comforting Wonpil that recently broke up with his boyfriend but why does Wonpil have to hold him like this? It feels so nice that it feel so wrong.
"Okay. I get it. I'll forgive you in one condition."
The tears in Younghyun's eyes immediately stopped and looked into Wonpil with determination. He'll do everything to help Wonpil.
"You have to kiss me."
Younghyun's eyes trembled from the request.
"You said you feel uncomfortable when I'm with other people. You think you're the only one? I also hate it when you receive love letters in a random weekday. So, let's do this.. I need to confirm something.. please."
"...."
"You said you'd do anything I ask."
Wonpil was right, he said that but he didn't think that it will be like this. He is afraid that it might ruin their friendship but it has been ruined anyway, so there should be nothing to lose, right?
"Okay.. close your eyes."
Wonpil followed the instruction and closed his eyes. He leaned up and waited until Younghyun slowly and innocently pressed his lips to Wonpil. That was his first kiss. Younghyun could not breathe, the beating on his chest has become erratic that it feels like it could pop out but not in a way that he wants to run away. In fact, he wants to do it again.
"Okay. I get it."
"What did you get?" In panic, Younghyun asked.
"Do you want to date me?"
"D.. date? Me?"
"I'm already at my limit. All my failed relationship are because of you. So can't you think about it before giving me an answer?"
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?"
"Why do you want to date me?"
"I like you.. I love you.. for a really long time." Wonpil's cheeks are dusted in pink as he express his feelings with words. "I really tried to be your friend. I dated other people but.. I don't think I can love anyone else but you. So please.. don't be rash. I already sacrificed our friendship to say this so think about it."
"I don't know, Wonpil-ah.. How do I do that?"
"Uhmm.. what do you mean?"
"I don't really know how to love. I never learned about that. I'm sorry."
A tear fell from Wonpil's eyes as he continue to stare at Younghyun.
"You are crying." Younghyun tries to wipe Wonpil's tears but Wonpil is once again faster than him.
"I'm not. I feel sorry. That's all."
"Don’t be sorry. It's okay. I'm used to it."
"Don’t say it like that. I've always thought you were pushing me away. I wish I was stubborn enough to tell you how I felt a long time ago. I wouldn't have to hurt Dowoon or Sungjin or you."
Younghyun only shakes his head as he oppose to Wonpil's words.
"Do you want to hold my hand? Touch me? Kiss me? Do you want to do something beyond what a friend should do?"
"I want to kiss you again.."
"Huh?"
"I've always been curious how it feels to hold your hand. Whenever our hands brush, do you know that yours are warm?"
A chuckle comes out from Wonpil's mouth as he wipes away the tears in his eyes.
"Apart from me, do you want to kiss other people too?"
"No."
"How about holding someone else's hand?"
"No. I've never thought of anyone's hands or lips. Just yours."
"Younghyun-ah.. that's love. You know how to love, you just didn't realize it."
"...."
"Then.. touch me if that's what you want."
"Can I really do that?"
"That's what love is.. you always want to touch the person you love. You always want to stay by their side. You want to be their only one."
"I know that feeling. I used to feel that when you're with Dowoon and Sungjin."
"Really? That's jealousy. I know what it feels too. You used to be very popular in high school because everyone likes that you're smart and sporty. I wanted to burn all the love letters you receive. But when it's Dowoon or Sungjin, I feel nothing. My affection to them is nothing compared to what I feel for you."
"Wonpil-ah.. I've never really loved anyone. Will that be okay?"
"That's fine.. I will love you so you'd understand what it means. I will show you what I'm capable of. I will make you love me.. if you let me."
Younghyun bites his lips from his deep thoughts. He used to avoid all these however, discussing it with Wonpil now seems to have opened a mysterious box inside him that he never knew existed.
"Don't bite. Let me.." Wonpil brushes his thumb to Younghyun’s lips, letting Younghyun loose the pressure of his teeth to his lips. Wonpil cups both of his cheek and pressed their lips together. Compared to Younghyun's short and innocent kiss earlier, Wonpil who had much more experience, tiptoed and sucked on his lips like it's a vacuum and opened his mouth like pandora's box, exploring it expertly with his tongue. Younghyun was pushed a little harder on his back at the wall so his hand naturally wrapped around Wonpil’s waist for something to hold onto. He leans down to press their bodies closer despite no gap left in between them. His cheeks are hot as they breathe one another. He entered his head space as his heart beats in erratic tempo. His senses heighten from the new feeling his experiencing at the moment that he might lose his mind.
"How was it?" Wonpil breathlessly asked.
Younghyun doesn't answer. He was completely stunned after doing what he's never done before. Then it dawned him, the answers that he's been looking for in his sleepless nights was this. The strange emotions he's been experiencing all these time wasn't friendship afterall so he pulled Wonpil to his arms once again and burried his head to the shorter's neck. "Thank you. Thank you, Wonpil-ah.."
Wonpil doesn't speak and only wrapped his arms around Younghyun's neck. Embracing him as tight as he can. Younghyun finally smiles. He finally found peace after all the internal battles he's been suffering all alone.
"It took me a long time to realize.. I loved you too for a really long time."
"I know." Wonpil beams at him.