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Eddie’s not sure how he got here. Well, he knows physically how. All it took was a quick Google search and a 15 minute wait for an Uber. And here he was. A gay bar somewhere in LA. The place is packed for a Wednesday night, bodies crowding the dance floor.
Forgive me, Father. For I have sinned.
Which is why he feels incredibly ridiculous sitting alone at the bar. The beer he ordered god-knows how long ago is warming in his hand. Going to a gay bar for a gay awakening isn’t productive if he already knows he’s gay. He sighs and tips back the rest of his warm beer and hands the bartender a twenty. Halfway through weaving his way out the exit he bumps into something solid.
“Sorry!” A disembodied voice says. It takes a moment for Eddie to get his bearings. He’s bumped into a very tall, ridiculously attractive man. “Didn’t see you there!”
Eddie makes eye contact with the man and realizes he’s grinning. They’re both grinning. At each other. “Maybe you could make it up to me?” Eddie blurts. Holy shit . What the fuck is happening?
The man laughs loudly and grabs Eddie’s hand. “C’mon. Let’s see what my idiot friends are up to.”
He quickly learns that the man has a name, James. And when they can’t find his idiot friends inside the bar, James pulls Eddie outside to look for them. Except they’re not there. It’s just a couple of bouncers and some club-goers smoking by the curb. James is still grinning at him and Eddie is still holding his hand.
He blinks and then James mouth is on his. Eager and warm. Eddie returns the kiss, never dropping James hand. It’s a bit awkward kissing and holding someone’s hand but then James is pushing him up against the side of the building and oh -
This is what he’s been missing, chasing his whole life. This feeling . There’s no anxiety or fear or sadness as James kisses him, runs his hands up the inside of his shirt. It hits him when James pulls away to run a thumb over Eddie’s mustache.
It’s been fifteen years since my last confession.
“I’m gay.” Eddie blurts.
James laughs. “I hope so.”
Eddie’s about to respond when there’s a shout from behind them. James frowns and shakes his head.
There’s a bunch of shrieking and then laughing. Seems like James' friends found him after all.
“Sorry,” James mutters as he adjusts Eddie’s shirt. “We’re here for my friend’s birthday and -”
Eddie blinks and James is retreating to his friends. He walks backwards, waving at Eddie. The group of friends tease him as they pull him into their circle and disappear down the street. All that’s left is the thumping noise of the club spilling out into the street and the whoosh of the cars passing by. Reaching in his pockets for his phone, Eddie’s surprised to find a piece of paper. James’ business card. He’s a realtor in San Diego.
He pockets the card again and orders an Uber.
-
Morning comes too quickly. Much too quickly and it’s a reminder he’s not 21 anymore. The sunlight streaming through his window serves as his wake up call because he forgot to set his alarm last night. He pulls his phone out of the charger and checks the time. 07:23. He knows he should be getting up and ready for work since it’s a normal day. But it’s not a normal day. His entire life flipped on its axis less than 12 hours ago.
He unlocks his phone and sends a message to the 118 group chat. I’m sick today. Won’t be in.
It’s unprofessional, he knows. The official call out procedure is to call Bobby - well, Gerrard, actually. But Gerrard can get fucked for all he cares. Someone will relay the message. There’s two texts from Buck, in quick succession. He swipes the notifications away and opens Safari.
> catholic church los angeles
> confession los angeles
-
Walking into church makes him feel like he’s eight years old. The smell of incense hits him instantly and for a moment he debates leaving. What the fuck is he doing here. The group of people praying in the pews at the front remind him exactly why he’s here. Guilt. Greed. Sin. But he doesn’t really feel like he sinned last night. He feels the most normal, himself, he’s ever been in his thirty-odd years.
The confessional booth door opens and the person exits and joins the row of strangers in the pews. Before he can stop himself Eddie’s striding towards the confessional room. He almost, almost recoils again when he realizes there’s no partition. The priest sits in a chair in the corner of the room. There’s a Bible on the table and a small lit fake candle. At least God has some sense of fire safety.
The priest (young, blond,
attractive
) waves Eddie inside before his body can catch up to his screaming brain telling him to run. Fuck. Of course the priest he’s confessing his gay sins to is hot as shit. Will he need to confess that, too? Christ, his life really is a mess.
Eddie sits in the chair opposite him.
“I’m Father Troy.” The priest smiles softly at Eddie.
Eddie clears his throat. “Uh, I’m Eddie.”
The priest nods and makes the sign of the cross. Eddie follows suit and stares at the Bible. If he looks directly at the priest now, he might blush. The priest motions for Eddie to continue speaking.
“Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It’s been 15 years since my last confession.” Eddie doesn’t look at the priest; he speaks towards the Bible. As if confessing to the Bible makes this situation less real.
There’s silence. Father Troy coughs. Eddie realizes he’s stopped speaking. He could leave right now and forget all about this. Put the kiss and James and the club and his feelings and his guilt and Buck - oh God , Buck - into a box and forget about it. Bury the box and the feelings so deep that it can’t be dug out no matter how hard Buck tries -
“I’m gay and I’m in love with my best friend.” Eddie gasps. But there’s no panic behind it. It's a relief. It’s freedom. For the first time in years he can finally fucking breathe. Yeah, it feels a little like his insides have been tipped out and spread on the floor for the priest and God to look at and examine and pick apart, but that’s why he’s here.
Wait - why is he here? He’s confessing to the wrong person, he should be confessing to -
The priest hums and clasps his hands together. “And you’re seeking forgiveness? Absolution?”
Eddie nods. “Or something like that.”
The priest shakes his head at Eddie. “We’re all made exactly the way God intended. I can’t absolve you for that.”
What? For a moment Eddie considers that he’s having his own coma dream. Maybe the bees really did get him. Or that he’s been dosed again. He must’ve said what out loud because the priest is shaking his head.
“However, lying to your loved one is a sin. I absolve you from your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit.” And then Father Troy ushers him out of the booth and back into the dimly lit church.
Now Eddie’s convinced he’s been dosed. He’s a sinner for lying but not the gay thing?! He checks his phone once he’s back outside the church. There’s six missed calls from Buck, 35 text messages and several dozen notifications from across his social media platforms. He sighs and pockets his phone. Just one more thing to deal with when he gets to his empty house.
-
“What the fuck!” Eddie drops his phone and keys when he rounds the corner into his kitchen. He puts a hand to his chest and waits for his heart to settle. “What are you doing here?”
Buck’s sitting at his kitchen table. There’s two cups (with coasters, God bless Buck) laid out amongst some sliced fruit, bread, cheese and a fresh pot of coffee. For a moment Eddie forgets all about the previous days’ events and his heart swells at the sight of Buck in his kitchen, making breakfast for both of them. Then he notices that every single door in the house is open, as if Buck was searching for him. Eddie suddenly flashes back to the night Chris had called Buck because he was scared out of his mind. Buck had to break down the door to get to him, save him from himself. But this time, Eddie can’t be saved.
“I’m fine.” Eddie spits. It sounds angrier than he’d anticipated. He brushes past Buck and opens the fridge. He grabs the milk and puts it on the counter. Next he busies himself with filling the kettle and setting it on the stove to boil. Buck’s saying something but he ignores it, letting the water run in the sink to cover Buck’s words.
“Stop ignoring me.” Buck’s crowding into his space. He shuts off the tap.
Eddie turns away from him but he can still feel Buck at his side. If he wasn’t so ashamed of the way Buck makes him burn inside, he’d lean into him, press their bodies together to reach up for the tea cupboard. Instead he steps around Buck and opens the cabinet.
“Where were you?” A hand flies up and shuts the cabinet. Eddie stills, his hand next to Buck’s. Eddie ignores the question and drops his hand down.
Buck turns Eddie to face him. His hands are solid against his shoulders as he watches Buck examine him. His eyes trail down his face, across his chest. One hand on his shoulder moves to his forehead and Buck’s palm presses gently against him. “You don’t look sick. You don’t sound sick.” Eddie wants to lean into it. But he can’t. The other hand is on his neck and he can see Buck doing the math in his head, counting his heartbeat. Buck’s touch is burning, searing, he can feel it all over his body. He wants to take Buck’s hands in his and hold them forever.
You shall not lie with a male as with a woman; it is an abomination
Eddie takes a step backward and Buck’s hands drop. “I was busy.” Eddie replies simply. He moves back to the stove and waits.
Waits for the water to boil and Buck to leave so their lives can go back to normal. Whatever that means. Eddie can go back to pretending he’s not hopelessly in love with his best friend.
“No.” In his peripheral vision he sees Buck shaking his head and then he’s crowding into Eddie’s space again.
This time Eddie doesn’t immediately flinch away from him. Not that he could if he wanted to. Buck’s fused to his side, their shoulders pressed together..
“I was busy, Buck.” It’s not a lie, exactly. He had been busy - at the gay club and the hungover church confession. But he’s not about to tell Buck that. Not yet, anyway.
“Eddie, I broke up with Tommy last week and then two days later you’re avoiding me at work. And today you called out sick and you ignore my - everyone’s - calls. What’s going on? What did I do?”
Lying is a sin.
”Is it Christopher? Is that it? Does he not want to see me when he’s back from Texas?”
There’s tears starting to form and Eddie can’t wipe them away without Buck noticing. He shuts his eyes and grits out, “No.” At least that isn’t a lie. “It’s… it’s not that.”
“Then what is it, Eddie?” Buck’s raising his voice. Eddie sees the pained expression on his face without having to open his eyes. “If it’s me… if it’s me and you want me to go, I will. But please, please tell me why. At least - at least tell me why.”
The kettle hums its telltale sign it’s close to boiling. Eddie opens his eyes and stares down at the stove to avoid Bucks' gaze.
“Please, Eddie.” It’s a whisper now.
Eddie hates this, hates himself. He’s about to blow up the longest friendship he’s ever had. Scratch that, the longest relationship he’s ever had. The most important one too.
Lying to your loved ones is a sin.
A hand squeezes his shoulder. Eddie wants to throw up and scream. Then, as if sensing Eddie’s turmoil, the kettle starts it’s own screaming and he feels Buck jump slightly. For a moment, Eddie considers screaming with the kettle. It would be appropriate, he thinks. The kettle warning him it’ll explode. Just like him if his feelings for Buck -
“Fine!” Eddie yells down at the kettle. “I love you! I’m in love with you!” Buck reaches down and shuts the burner off. The shrieking stops. But Eddie’s doesn’t. “I’m gay and I went to a gay club and kissed some realtor named James and I wanted it to be you. It’s always been you. Christ, I asked a priest to forgive me! But he wouldn’t, Buck. He wouldn’t forgive me! You know what he did?” He doesn’t let Buck answer his rhetorical question, barrelling on. “He told me that lying is a sin. I’ve been lying to myself, to you, to Chris, to everyone! I drove Christopher away because of it and now you too.”
All Eddie can hear is the rush of his own heartbeat. He turns to face Buck and searches his face for an answer in the silence. But for the first time, Buck’s unreadable. Stone faced and silent. Eddie opens his mouth to speak but Buck shakes his head.
“I need a minute.” Buck says simply. It’s all he says. And it’s catastrophic. His worst nightmare is coming to life - he’s got no girlfriend, a runaway son, and now Eddie expects Buck will leave too. Walk right out the kitchen door, out the front steps and disappear from his life.
But he doesn’t. Buck sits back down and places his hands flat on the table.
Eddie sits opposite of him and opens his mouth to speak but Buck’s already shaking his head. This is not how he expected this to go. For the first time since he’s known Buck, he’s speechless. Buck always has something to say - some funny fact or anecdote. The longer the silence goes on, the more nervous Eddie gets. He starts fidgeting, and. reaches towards Buck’s plate to grab a slice of cheese. Thwack! - Buck’s hand comes down and pushes it away.
Eddie squeaks. “Hey!” But Buck is shaking his head again, still not speaking. Then he grabs the empty plate in front of Eddie and begins piling up the fruit and bread and cheese. He puts it down in front of Eddie and motions for him to eat.
Finally, he breaks the silence: “You’re going to eat. I’m going to talk.”
Eddie nods and shoves a piece of cheese in his mouth and begins chewing obnoxiously. Buck rolls his eyes but grins anyway.
“You’re insane, you know that right?” Eddie blinks at Buck. “You don’t need forgiveness for loving me. Or for lying to me.”
Now it’s Eddie’s turn to be speechless.
“I have been worried out of my mind, Eds. I thought… I thought I did something. That I was going to lose you. You’re the most important person in my life.”
The kitchen is so silent you could hear a pin drop. Eddie holds his breath.
“And when I came out to you and you said nothing had changed. God, Eddie. I was hoping you were going to say it changed everything. Because it did for me. I…”
Eddie stuffs a piece of fruit in his mouth to stop himself from interrupting Buck.
“I love you too, Eddie.”
Eddie swallows the strawberry. “Holy shi-”
Buck puts his hand up again. “I’m not finished.”
Ignoring the urge to roll his eyes, Eddie begins nervously pushing around his food. The coffee’s gone cold and he wishes he’d made the tea.
“I broke up with Tommy because of you, Eddie. It’s always been you. I played basketball and I don’t even like basketball!” Buck leans forward and meets Eddie’s gaze.
There’s a beat.
“I didn’t -”
Buck leans over and grabs Eddie’s hand. “Stop talking -”
“Buck, I’m losing my mind here. I just found out I was gay and I have some random guy’s business card in my pocket and my son is a million miles away and -”
“Can you please stop talking so I can kiss you?”
For once during this conversation, Eddie doesn’t need to be told twice. He moves forward to meet Buck across the table. It’s awkward and there’s a bit of fumbling when he knocks over his coffee cup. But Buck continues kissing him and literally giggles into his mouth. They’ll need to clean up the spilled coffee later but for now, Eddie could die. Maybe he is dead and this is all an insane fever dream conjured up from the dozen bee stings from that call last week -
“Earth to Eddie?” He feels Buck’s hand patting his cheek. Reality hits him in the face again. It’s not a dream and Buck is grinning at him, their foreheads pressed together.
Eddie grins back at his best friend and kisses him again. And again. And again.