Archive of Our Own ^beta

“That’ll be 15 credits,” David said to the customer in front of them. The woman happily transferred them the money and walked away with a box of treats.

David sighed happily and took a step back from the front counter. David’s Place had been doing pretty well lately. Well enough that he was no longer the only employee, and well enough that they’d been able to start branching out into catering, and from there into running small portable stands at fairs and other events. This particular event- a fair for Bathin’s half birthday- was the 5th event now that they’d run a stand at. They were feeling pretty successful.

“I think another batch of cupcakes should be out of the oven any moment,” David told his employee, Lise. “Would you run the counter for a moment while I handle them?” Lise nodded and stepped up to the counter to greet the next customer.

“Alright, now let’s see about these cupcakes…” David mumbled, reaching for the oven.

“David!” A voice hissed from somewhere nearby. David startled and was glad they weren’t already holding the cupcakes, or there would probably be a large mess to clean up.

“David, in here!” The voice hissed again. It sounded familiar. It sounded a lot like…

“Trexel?!” David exclaimed, opening a cupboard to reveal Trexel stuffed inside with a handful of brownies and cookies.

“David, I’ve been looking everywhere for you!” Trexel said, starting to unfold himself from the cupboard. “Where have you been?”

“Running my stand! What are you doing here? Why are you in my cupboard?!”

“Well, you see David-“ Trexel was clearly readying himself for a very long explanation. David crossed his arms preemptively.

“I was mugged,” Trexel started.

“You were mugged?”

“Yes, I was mugged. Somebody mugged me and stole all my ride tickets.”

“You had ride tickets? That you bought legally?” David asked suspiciously.

“Yes, David, I had ride tickets that I bought legally. Are you calling me a liar? I am not a liar.”

“You are a liar. But continue, please. You were mugged,” David prompted.

“Yes, I was mugged. Someone robbed me and left me sad and alone and ticketless. I couldn’t go on any rides, David, and a fair is no fun without the rides! They’re the best part, except for the drinks! But then I remembered that fair vendors get a free ride pass and a guest pass. See, usually I get on the rides by just mugging a vendor and taking all their passes. It’s the oldest trick in the book, David. Take their passes, take their wares, sometimes take their identity, not that I would ever want to not be Trexel Geistman, because Trexel Geistman is obviously the best person you can be- ooh, except for maybe a spy with a secret identity- Can you see that, David? Can you see me as a spy with a secret identity? Like maybe… maybe Rob Barnaby or something like that. Can you see that, David?”

“No, because you would probably not be able to go without shouting your own name for more than 5 minutes. Also, I’m sure we’ve talked about you being a spy before and established that you don’t actually want to be a spy. And you were telling me why you’re in my cupboard.”

“Right! Yes, of course. So I remembered seeing your stupid little cafe stand, and I remembered you must have a guest pass, so I followed the smell of cupcakes and found the stand.”

“It sounds like you remembered a lot of things, Trexel. I’m impressed,” David said in a monotone voice.

“Yes, it was very impressive, obviously, because I did it. So I found the stand, and it was full of goodies! You won’t believe the treats that were inside the stand!”

“I would, because it’s my stand,” David cut in, but Trexel kept going.

“Cookies, and brownies, and cupcakes, and pie- and none of it was slurry! It was all real food! Incredible! So I may have gotten a little bit preoccupied with eating all of the tasty treats I found, yum yum yum. And then I heard your slimy little voice and remembered I came here to find you, and that’s exactly what I’ve done! Hi, David!” Trexel dropped the cookie he was holding to wave excitedly.

“Hello, Trexel,” David sighed. “So you want to use my guest pass.”

“To ride the rides at the fair!” Trexel sang. “When you go to the fair and the weather is fair then you ride on the rides at the fair-“

Fortunately, his musical number was interrupted by a loud beeping. David jumped.

“Oh no! My cupcakes!” they exclaimed, rushing to the oven and opening it to reveal a tray of severely burnt cupcakes. “Trexel, your story took too long and now my cupcakes are burnt!”

“It’s ok, there’s lots of cupcakes in this cupboard I found!” Trexel said, then turned to rummage in the cupboard he had just come out of, singing quietly to himself, “Trexel to the rescue, Trexel’s got the cakes… Trexel to the rescue, ‘cuz Trexel is really super great…”

He emerged a moment later, empty handed, and said, “I forgot. I ate all the cupcakes.”

David covered their face with their hands and screamed quietly for a moment, then put their Game Face on.

“Right. Lise, we’re out of cupcakes. I’m going to start another batch and then take Trexel out of here to ride some rides because I’m afraid if I don’t he’s going to eat all of our inventory. Actually, he might do that anyway. Do you think you can run the stand while I’m gone?”

“Of course,” Lise said, smiling. “I’m sure you could use the break, anyway.”

“Thank you, Lise,” David said gratefully, then grumbled, “some break it’ll be,” under their breath.

“Hold this.” David handed Trexel a bag of flour.

“What is this.”

“Flour.” David busied themself rummaging through the non-Trexel-contaminated cupboards for ingredients.

“I’ve never seen this substance before in my life. Can I eat it?”

“Absolutely not.”

David turned away from the cupboard with an armful of ingredients to find Trexel pouring flour into his mouth.

“Trexel!” David screeched. “Stop that!”

They scrambled to set down the ingredients they were holding and confiscate Trexel’s flour.

“David, this stuff tastes horrible!” Trexel wailed. “Why did you give it to me?!”

“You weren’t supposed to eat it! I said don’t eat it! I literally warned you of exactly this!”

“You knew I wouldn’t be able to resist putting it in my mouth!”

David finished wrestling the flour bag from Trexel’s grip and set it down on the counter.

“Go outside!” they shouted, pointing out the door. “I’m going to make another batch of cupcakes, and then I’m going to come outside, and I’m going to take you on some rides, and then you’re going to leave my stand, ok?”

Trexel narrowed his eyes at David. It was still difficult to take him seriously with the flour all over his face, but at least he looked mostly sober today.

“Ok. I’m going to go outside and sit and wait for you, David, because I trust you. I trust that you will keep your promise and take me on the rides, and you know how difficult that is for me.” Trexel’s eyes looked like they were starting to water, which was never a good sign.

“No, Trexel, don’t-“

“WHY WOULDN’T YOU TAKE ME ON THE RIDES, MOMMY? YOU PROMISED YOU WOULD TAKE ME BUT YOU LIED! YOU LIED!” Trexel sobbed as he stumbled out of the stand and out of sight.

David watched him leave and then sighed. They found themselves sighing a lot when Trexel was nearby.

“Who was that guy?” Lise asked.

“Old coworker,” David explained. “He’s not so bad, really- well, actually he is so bad, but I’m handling it, don’t worry.”

They turned back to their cupcake ingredients.

“Right. To business.”

10 minutes later, a fresh pan of cupcakes were in the oven, David’s apron was hung neatly up, and he was making his way outside. He found Trexel sitting dejectedly on the ground next to the door.

“I’m done with the cupcakes,” David told him, and his head immediately snapped up. He was on his feet in an instant.

“TO THE RIDES, DAVID!” Trexel shouted, pointing in the general direction of where the rides were and starting to run. David hurried to catch up.

“Trexel, slow down!”

The route to the section of the fair dedicated to rides took them through the alley of carnival games. Both sides of the sidewalk were lined with stall after stall of games, from ball tosses to fishing for mini plastic Star Marlins. As soon as they stepped foot into the game section, David froze in their tracks.

“Oh board,” they said quietly, awestruck. “That’s a lot of Bathin.”

Every single stall was hung with prizes, and almost every single prize was Bathin themed. There were Bathin plushies, Bathin shirts, and Bathin photos. Trexel’s face screwed up in disgust.

“Come on, David, let’s get out of here quickly,” he said, tugging on David’s arm. “There are too many Bathins staring at me.”

“No! I want to win a Bathin plush!” David said, hurrying towards the nearest game with Trexel in tow.

“That’s ridiculous, why would you want to win a plush of Bathin of all things?” Trexel surveyed the rack of plushies with distaste.

“What would you prefer, Trexel?”

“I’d want something fierce, like a Trexel plush, or a bear,” Trexel said, making something that was probably meant to be bear noises. “Now, I’m not sure what a bear really is, or what it looks like, but I’ve heard they’re very fierce, David.”

“Is a bear… not the same as a polar bear?”

“Of course not, don’t be silly. Polar bears are known for their intense business attitudes, sure, and occasionally eating people, but regular bears? They’re wild, David, ooh they’re wild.”

“More wild than eating people.”

“Well, polar bears only eat people sometimes, like, you know, if they have a sudden midnight craving, yum yum yum. Regular bears always eat people. Scientists think that this is because living in polar areas cooled down the polar bears' brains and made them less angry than regular bears, but we don’t know for sure.”

“…right,” said David. “Well, I do want to win a Bathin plush, so I’m going to play this game.” They pointed at the ball toss game in front of them. The carnie had been listening to them talk about bears for a while now and was getting impatient.

“Do you want to play or not?” he asked, slapping at the sign next to him that listed the price. “It’s 4 credits for 3 throws.”

David stepped forward and transferred him the credits. They were handed 3 balls with which to knock down various targets.

“These games are always rigged, you know,” Trexel pointed out. “They must be, because I never win and if I can’t do it no one can.”

David ignored him and instead started throwing balls, yelling “WAPOW!” as each one hit a target and knocked it clean over. The man running the game looked a little bit dumbfounded, but handed over the Bathin plush regardless. David held it over their head in victory.

“David, watching you throw those balls scared me a little,” Trexel admitted. “Are you sure you’re not getting stronger?”

“I am getting stronger, Trexel, that’s what happens when you exercise,” David told him.

“Well, if you’re so strong, why don’t you-“ Trexel cut himself off by diving for the Bathin plush with a war cry that was immediately muffled by David pushing him away.

“Ooh, foiled again,” Trexel said, glaring at the plush.

“Why don’t you win your own plush and rip its head off?” David suggested, hugging their own plush.

In response, Trexel pulled out that stupid music player he always seemed to have somewhere on him and turned on his detective music.

“The clone had once again gotten in the way of destroying his archnemesis, Bathin,” Trexel narrated in a dramatic voice.

“Bathin is not your archnemesis,” David pointed out.

“Justice had been stopped dead in its tracks by the bumbling idiot, David. The world was like that, full of idiots who would get in the way of justice. The thought made him sick. He took out a cigarette, lit it, then-“

“Remembered-he-still-doesn’t-smoke-and POW!” David said incredibly quickly, flicking a drop of slime perfectly onto the end of Trexel’s cigarette and putting it out. Trexel switched off his music and stared at them.

“David, you- you’ve managed to perfectly flick slime onto the end of my cigarette and put it out! How did you- how did you even- HAVE YOU BEEN PRACTICING YOUR SLIME FLICKING SKILLS?”

“Yes, I have, for his exact situation,” David said smugly. “You’re not setting my Bathin plush on fire today, Trexel! Aha!”

“You’re a murder-foiler. And nobody likes a murder-foiler, David, nobody. They take the fun out of everything!” Trexel said, glaring at David. The carnie cleared his throat and they both spun around to look at him.

“Hey, if you’re not going to play again, you need to move. You’re blocking the front of my stand.”

“Right! David! We have rides to ride!” Trexel took off again, singing something about rides and apparently having forgotten his bloodlust for the Bathin plush. David followed.

Trexel and David stood in front of the looming metal structure that was labeled The Super Spinatron. It was huge, and metal, and maybe a little bit rusty, and it was Trexel’s ride of choice.

“This is The Super Spinatron, David,” Trexel said, adopting an appropriately dramatic voice. “It’s the most intense ride on Galactonium. It’s the most intense ride in the galaxy. It’s the most intense ride ever created, ever. I think.”

“You’ve been on this ride before?” David asked. Trexel turned slowly to face them with a look of shock.

“Of course not, David! Nobody has ever ridden The Super Spinatron and survived! If I had ridden it before, I wouldn’t be standing in front of you right now, would I?”

“Well, it had better not kill me, because I have baked goods to sell,” David said, then added, “also, there are people getting off it right now, and they look fine to me.”

There was, indeed, a small crowd of people getting off of The Super Spinatron, but to say they looked “fine” was a little bit of an overstatement. They looked dizzy at best and were vomiting everywhere at worst.

“Ok, so I haven’t ridden it before because it’s a Galactonium exclusive ride and I’ve never been to a fair on Galactonium before. But! The reason it’s only on Galactonium is because…” he paused for dramatic effect, “it’s illegal everywhere else.”

“I seriously doubt that. Galactonium has much stricter laws of safety than Stellar Firma did, and based off of some of the planets we were building, I don’t think most of the rest of the universe is much better.”

“David! You’re ruining it! It’s a scary ride and you’re ruining it with your stupid bravery and stuff!” Trexel whined.

“Look, Trexel, is it worse than being blended and recycled?”

“Probably. I’ve never been recycled before. All the other David’s didn’t seem too fazed by it.”

“Hmmmm,” said David. IMOGEN wasn’t here to give a Clone Temperature Rising alert, but they were sure they were heating up anyway. They ignored how angry Trexel’s comment had made them long enough to say, “I’ve also watched one of the other Davids eat the world's most rotten sandwich without hesitation, so that doesn’t mean anything.”

“Ok, so we have nothing to base how terribly awful this ride will be off of. Let’s go on it and find out!”

“Fine.” David carefully set his Bathin plush down on the ground next to the ride, then walked to the entrance and showed the woman running it his vendor pass and guest pass. She let them on and Trexel fist pumped triumphantly.

“Yes! We’re on The Super Spinatron! This is going to be horrible, David, I’m so excited!”

The two of them took their seats, which had four separate methods of restraint.

“See, David, you can tell how horrifying a ride is going to be by how well they strap you in. More straps equals more danger!” Trexel shouted.

A few more people got on the ride, then the operator climbed aboard and started strapping people in.

“Well- I feel nice and secure,” David said once they were fully strapped into their seat.

“You won’t once the ride starts!” Trexel shouted with glee. The operator disembarked and started flipping switches on a control panel.

“What does this ride actually do, exactly?” David asked. He was starting to feel a little nervous.

“It spins, David, it spins! It’s in the name! The Super Spinatron!”

At that moment the ride kicked into action. Metal groaned as the seats started rotating slowly.

“Oh. This isn’t so ba-WWOAOOOOAAAAA!” David screamed as the ride suddenly accelerated. They shut their eyes while Trexel yelled at the top of his lungs in the seat next to them. Then the ride started spinning vertically, too, sending the riders head over heels. David had fallen down their fair share of chutes and been flushed down quite a few tubes, but this was a completely different experience. Even screaming was difficult because of the sheer amount of gravity they were experiencing. They reminded themself they could probably break off of the ride if they needed to, even if that would almost certainly be more dangerous. It was still nice to keep their options open.

After maybe 30 more seconds of screaming (both from the riders and from the metal ride), it slowed down and came to a stop. The restraints released and David staggered out of their seat. Trexel did the same, looking queasy.

“Oh, David I don’t feel so good-“ Trexel said. David pulled him off of the ride along with the rest of the disembarking riders. A few of the other riders vomited immediately. One stepped off of the ride and promptly collapsed.

“Trexel, that was incredible! We have to go again!” David said, voice rising with excitement. Trexel was green and looked like he might fall over if David let go of him. He staggered a bit and then puked on the floor.

“No, that was- that was horrible, David!” David lowered him to sitting on the ground.

“It wasn’t horrible, it was fantastic! It was fun!”

“I’m not saying my fun doesn’t usually involve everything spinning and then feeling like you might puke everywhere, but that was not fun, David. Not fun at all.” Trexel grabbed weakly at David’s arm, and then recoiled. “Where’s all your slime gone, David?! You’re not a slimy slimy clone boy anymore!” David looked down at himself and found that he was completely slimeless. The ride must have spun him so fast that it flung all the goop off of him like a clothes dryer.

“No! I’m dry! Never again! Trexel, I need some moisturizer! Where can I find some moisturizer?”

“Bleugh- I don’t have any moisturizer, David, of course I don’t. It’s very difficult for me to keep moisturizer in my possession and not in my mouth, you know this.”

“You drank all your moisturizer again?”

“Moisturizer is such a cruel, cruel mistress…. and yet I go back to her again and again. Anyway, you’ll just produce more slime like the slimy clone you are, David, don’t worry.”

“Ohh, but what if I don’t and I’m dry forever? I don’t want to be dry again, Trexel, it was so itchy!”

“It was itchy because you were stuck in a hydrophobic onesie, you’ll be fine now. And you will definitely keep making slime.” Trexel was starting to sound annoyed, which made sense considering how ill he looked.

“Hm,” said David. He considered everything and decided Trexel was probably right, and he was worried about nothing. That didn’t stop him from being slightly worried anyway- what if he never did make more slime- but it refocused his mind on the matter at hand.

“Right! Trexel, we need to ride The Super Spinatron again.”

“Why?!”

“Because it was fun and I want to!”

“Go by yourself then, you spin-crazed lunatic!” Trexel waved his arms to shoo David away.

“Well, I don’t want to go by myself. Come on it with me again.”

“No!”

This was it. This was the time to play the ace up their sleeve.

“Trexel, if you go on The Super Spinatron with me again I’ll buy you a drink,” David said, incredibly solemn.

“You’ll buy me- but David, you have no money! I distinctly remember you telling me you were completely broke and couldn’t afford to buy me a drink the last fifteen times I asked!”

“I was clearly lying!”

“You were lying?? All this time?”

“Trexel, I run a successful business, I can obviously afford to buy a drink. You just watched me pay to play a carnival game!”

“I don’t know, David, it seemed in character for you to blow your final 4 credits on the chance to win a Bathin plush.”

“No! No it doesn’t! Because I am responsible with my money! And that’s why I won’t always buy you drinks whenever you ask!”

“Hm. You have a point there, David. You do have a point.” Trexel rubbed his chin, thinking seriously about David’s offer. “So if I go on The Super Spinatron with you again you’ll buy me a drink.”

“Yes. I will buy you a-“ David dug around in their mind for any knowledge about alcoholic drink options and came up blank. Instead, they pointed at the nearest drink stand. “Whatever they’re selling at that stand.”

“So if I go on this ride that makes me incredibly nauseous you will aid me in getting incredibly nauseous in other, more pleasant ways.”

“I’m not sure any nausea could be pleasant, but yes. Exactly.”

“Hmmmmnnnalright I’m in! Let’s go!” Trexel started attempting to stand up. David watched him wiggle pathetically for a moment before hoisting him to his feet.

“Ok!” said Trexel, dusting himself off. “I’m ready! I’m ready to get nauseous again and vomit everywhere and this time I’ll do a better job of aiming at Bathin!”

David glanced over at where he had left the Bathin plush, hoping to ensure its safety, but- it was gone! He hurried over to where he had left it and looked around frantically.

“My Bathin is gone!” he told Trexel.

Trexel gasped and immediately turned his detective music back on.

“David, David- do you know what this means?”

“It means someone stole my Bathin!”

“No, it means this is a real mystery for the best detective in the universe to solve!” Trexel pulled a hat out of… wherever it had been hiding and put it on. “Trexel KGK Giestman, on the case!”

“Oh…. How am I ever going to find who stole my Bathin when the whole fair is FULL OF BATHINS??”

“David, I just told you! Trexel KGK Geistman is on the case!” Trexel shouted. Then he shut off the music. “Also, I’m pretty sure you had the only Bathin plush at this fair. Look around. Do you see any others?”

David looked around. It did seem that nobody else had a Bathin plush. In fact, they didn’t see anybody with any prizes at all.

“What..? Where are all the Bathins?” they asked, perplexed.

“I told you, the games are rigged! You’re not supposed to be able to win them!”

“But you just- you just throw the ball and then-“ David mimicked throwing the ball. It had been easy.

“You are incredibly strong, we’ve gone over this!”

“I suppose I am pretty swole…”

“Anyway, this is good, David! It means all we need to do is find the only person with a Bathin plush!”

“Ok….” Trexel and David both narrowed their eyes and scanned the crowds for a Bathin plush. After a few seconds, David pointed and shouted, “THERE!”

Halfway across the grounds, there was a man in a long jacket holding a large plush that stuck out in the crowd. It was clearly David’s. If they were any closer, they were sure they’d be able to see the leftover slime on it.

“Come on, David, let’s catch the thief!” Trexel took off running towards the man, David following. When they caught up to him, David tapped him on the shoulder and he turned around.

“What? What do you want?” the man asked.

“That’s mine. You stole it from me.” David pointed at the plushie.

“Yeah! This plushie belongs to the beautiful clone boy David-7, you thieving scoundrel!” Trexel added helpfully.

“I won this fair and square!” the thief protested.

“It’s clearly still got my slime on it!” David retorted. “Who else would have made it all slimy? That’s clone slime! That’s David-7 slime!”

“What are you talking about? You’re not slimy!”

David looked down at themself and remembered that, right, they weren’t actually slimy right now.

“Listen!” David snatched the plush out of the man’s hand, ignoring his protests, and pulled out the permanent marker he used to write people’s names on their coffee cups. “This plushie belongs to David-7,” he said, writing the words on the plushie's foot as he did.

“Yeah!” Trexel shouted. “Get out of here!”

“Whatever, man,” the thief said, and started walking away. David glared at him until he was out of sight.

“Well! That’s another mystery solved by the Great Trexel KGK Geistman!” Trexel cheered. David turned to him.

“Why did you help me get my plushie back, Trexel? You hate Bathin.”

“Sure, I hate Bathin, but I love yelling at people even more! And if that person’s a criminal? Oh, it’s so good to feel that I’m not in the wrong for once!” Trexel patted himself on the back. “Ooh, Trexel is a hero. Good job, Trexel.”

“Yes, good job Trexel,” David said, deadpan, then added under their breath, “and good job David for actually handling the situation. Right! Trexel, I’m going to bring my plush back to David’s Place for safekeeping, and then I think we have a few more rides to go on, yes?”

“Absolutely, David! And don’t forget, you promised me a drink!”