Work Text:
It always starts on September 1st.
Lu Guang gets quiet. Even more quiet than usual. He has this faraway look in his eyes whenever Cheng Xiaoshi sneaks a glance at him. He looks like he‘s seen a ghost. The bags under his eyes get bigger and bigger every day, a sign of his increasing lack of sleep and restlessness.
Others may not see a major change in Lu Guang, but Cheng Xiaoshi knows this man inside out. He knows that he hates cooking and loves eating, what toothpaste he uses (they use the same one), that he is a clean freak, knows about his reluctant obsession with cats (and teases him for it of course), has memorized his shoe and clothing sizes and his bubble tea preferences too.
If anyone would notice something off about Lu Guang’s behavior it would be Cheng Xiaoshi. That’s why he is worried, very worried for him when fall comes around the corner every year.
Lu Guang won’t talk to him about it, no matter how often he has tried in the past. He stopped pushing him at this point, because he realized that he himself is the same when it comes to his parents. No matter how well people mean, it hurts when they insist that he needs to talk to them about it.
So no, he won’t do that to Lu Guang. He will never be a cause of his pain.
It‘s the worst on September 13th.
Lu Guang turns left and right in his top bunk, restless and never asleep. Cheng Xiaoshi listens to the noises, so loud in the silent room. He hates it, hates Lu Guang’s suffering more than he ever would his own.
“Sleep down here?” Cheng Xiaoshi mumbles into the quiet room because he can’t help himself. For a millisecond he thinks Lu Guang didn’t hear him, until he gasps silently and his movements still.
“I-I can‘t-” he whispers. “I-I’m not-”
“-I had a nightmare,” Cheng Xiaoshi interrupts him gently and it‘s a treacherous half-truth. He dreamt of his parents, and it was neither a good nor a bad dream.
He feels horrible. How often has he actually woken up crying, gasping for air, eyes clouded and far away from his own reality, until Lu Guang brought him back from earthquakes and death and suffering? How often would he hold him for hours until he calmed down and slept soundly in the other's arms, gentle hands running through his black hair?
The real reason he wants his roommate to sleep next to him tonight, Cheng Xiaoshi tells himself, is not because he is selfish. Not this time, not entirely. He doesn‘t know how to help Lu Guang. He can understand why he won‘t confide in him, still it hurts to be so helpless and watch him suffer all alone.
For some reason, he feels like Lu Guang shouldn’t be alone today.
“Please?” Cheng Xiaoshi adds when Lu Guang stays silent.
10 more seconds pass before he hears the scuffling above him. Lu Guang descends the ladder, footsteps heavy and in sync with Cheng Xiaoshi‘s painfully thrumming heart. No words pass between them as he lies down next to him.
Cheng Xiaoshi turns around and meets Lu Guang’s soft gaze. He gives him a half smile and it looks so pained that Cheng Xiaoshi’s breath catches in his throat.
“You're gonna be fine, they aren’t real.”
“Huh?”
“The nightmares.”
“Oh,” Cheng Xiaoshi says because he forgot about his made up excuse to get Lu Guang closer. To make him feel safe, comfort him like Lu Guang did all those nights where he was trapped in his own nightmares.
“They aren’t real,” Lu Guang repeats, like a mantra. “I‘m real. I‘m here.” He wraps his arms around Cheng Xiaoshi. They are shaking. “See?” Lu Guang slowly puts Cheng Xiaoshi‘s head to his chest. He can hear his heartbeat, thump-thump thump-thump, like a constantly ticking clock.
“You‘re real too, aren’t you?” Lu Guang’s voice is shaking. “You're here too?” His grip around Cheng Xiaoshi tightens. A moment of silence passes and he knows Lu Guang is crying without looking up.
“You‘re real,” Lu Guang repeats again, almost as if he’s trying to convince himself. Cheng Xiaoshi doesn‘t know why he feels the need to, but what he knows is that he never wants Lu Guang to cry. He never wants him to be alone.
He laughs silently. “Of course I‘m real.” This time it‘s him who pulls down Lu Guang, his ear to his chest, touch hovering on his back. “I‘m real Lu Guang.”
Cheng Xiaoshi feels his own heart beating, thump-thump thump-thump, and Lu Guang takes in a shaky breath and cries into his chest. Cheng Xiaoshi doesn‘t mind. He holds him close, like something precious, because to him he is more than anything. He closes his eyes and listens as Lu Guang’s sobs grow louder and he can’t help but cry too.
They lie like that for a while, until Cheng Xiaoshi hears Lu Guang’s breath even out, his chest rising up and down slowly.
Cheng Xiaoshi relishes in it, even though he knows they won‘t talk about it once the sun rises. They never talk about it.
This is nothing but yet another one of those September nights.