Work Text:
*Dan's point of view*
I wake up in the morning very tired. Maybe staying up till 5 AM instead of 3 AM wasn't a good idea. I open my eyes to see purple walls. What the fuck? This isn't my room. And why the hell am I so cramped in this bed? I look next to me to see Phil. My eyes widen. Fuck. I look under the covers to check if I'm wearing clothes. Thank god I have my pants on and Phil's got on his pajamas. I was scared for a second that this was like one of those well-written fanfics where Phil and I got drunk and had sex. I sigh in relief, no offense to Phil. I still have no idea where the hell I am though!
"Phil!" I yell in his ear. He wakes up startled.
"Ahh!" He yells almost falling off the bed. I laugh. "Why are you in my bed? Wait, this isn't my bed," he looks around. "Where are we?"
"I don't know! That's the problem." I say getting off the bed feeling slightly claustrophobic. Phil gets off the bed too. "Where are some clothes? I can't just walk around in m'pants all day," I say walking left of the bed as Phil follows. I open what looks like a closet to see mostly black clothes.
“These are all my clothes." I say.
“Dan! There's another closet beside yours with my clothes in it!" Phil says. We get dressed. I decide to where my Attack on Titan jumper with my black skinny jeans and Phil puts on his Gengar t-shirt and his black skinny jeans. We walk back towards the bed to see a large pink clock with a face staring at us.
"Ah! It looks alive and demon possessed!" I yell. Phil laughs at me.
"It does look slightly terrifying," he says.
"Oh good, you're awake," says the clock. Am I going insane?
"Did you hear it too?" I whisper to Phil.
“I think I know where we are," Phil says.
"How the hell could you possibly have any idea where we are?" I ask.
"I think we’re in the Blue's Clues universe.”
"You mean that kid show where you thought the dog was a boy?"
"I know it's a girl now!"
"The question is how we got here," The puppy, Blue, suddenly come out of nowhere and puts her blue paw print on the forth wall and runs away.
"I think we're meant to play along," Phil states.
“Yes, because instead of trying to get out of this mess, we should make ourselves cozy," I say sarcastically rolling my eyes.
"I'm serious, Dan. We have to play blue's clue to find out how we got here." It makes sense. Well, it makes sense in a world where you wake up in a children's TV show.
"Ok, so what do we do now?" I ask. "I don't remember much about this show. All I know about it is that there are 3 clues that are blue."
"You rhymed, Dan," Phil says enthusiastically.
"This whole show rhymes, Phil. Let’s just find the bloody clues."
"We have to get the notebook.” We walk towards his left until we find a big, red chair, and I'm not talking about the one from that bloody chair fic...at least I hope not. But to be honest, that fic was well-written.
"We have to play Blue's Clues," Phil says to the table drawer thing.
"Blue's Clues! I'm so excited! Dan! Phil! Here's your note book,” it says back.
"Thanks, Side Table," Phil says smiling.
"That's what we're writing notes on? Ok." I say.
"Now we look for the clues." He says ignoring me. This is going to be a long day.
"Alright. Well, lets just go this way," I say walking to my right past the table thing until I get to a kitchen. "How long is this fucking house?"
"Dan, don't swear on a kid's TV show," Phil scolds.
"This isn't actually broadcasted on TV, Phil.”
"You don't know that. We don't know what's going on, remember?"
“Right. Ok." We literally have no fucking clue what's going on. That should go well. "But seriously, does this thing ever stop?"
"Dan and Phil! You're here. We need your help," says a salt shaker with a French accent. Seriously? A fucking salt shaker? With a fucking French accent?
"What do you need?" Phil asks.
"We need help finding what doesn't belong." The salt shaker says as a pepper shaker comes up next to him.
"Phil, we don't have time for this," I say quietly.
"We're happy to help," Phil says ignoring me. I sigh. What a spork.
"Which one doesn't belong?" the pepper shaker asks. There's an orange, an apple, a banana, and a potato.
"Are you kidding me? It's the potato." I say annoyed. I'm never having children.
"He's right!" Says the salt shaker.
"Of course I’m right. I-"
“Dan!" Phil says cutting me off which is probably a good thing.
"Sorry," I say. "I'll keep my mouth shut."
"What about this one?" Says the salt shaker. It's celery, green beans, lettuce, and a tomato.
"Oh for god's sake." I mutter under my breath clearly annoyed. I need coffee. "I'm gonna get coffee. Phil, you help." I say leaving to find some coffee. I'm so glad to be away from there.
It takes me forever to find a coffee machine, but I eventually find it. I make two cups for me and Phil just the way we like it, and bring it back to him. They seemed to have just now figured out the last problem. Thank god. I have a feeling Phil went slower to be kind. If only I had that trait when I'm tired and irritated. *sigh*
"Bye!" Phil says to them as they leave. "That was fun."
"Of course you w-Phil! It's a clue!" I yell excitedly. Thank god. The faster we find them the faster we get back home.
"It's a turkey baster?" Phil says
"That makes no fucking sense. We're screwed. We're gonna die in here." I say. Phil rolls his eyes.
"Dan, we're not going to die in here. We just have to write it down and find the other ones," Phil says starting to draw a picture.
"Why don't you just write 'turkey baster?'" I say.
"Because you have to draw it." He says finishing the drawing. I sigh.
"Ok. Lets compromise because I have know idea what that is, and it's bringing my mind to dark places. I'm gonna write it under the drawing because you can't draw for shit," I say carefully taking the 'notebook' out of his hand.
“We still have to find the other clues." He says.
"No kidding, Phil. Alright, where to now?" I ask him.
“Mail Time." Sings a voice coming from the living room. We follow it. "Mail Time. Mail Time. Mail Time!"
A mailbox bursts through the window. I jump a bit startled. Phil just laughs at me. What a friend. He sits down in the red chair as I stand there awkwardly.
"It's a letter from our friends," Phil says. He opens it as I fully expect some sort of prank reveal from PJ or Louise. But no. It's just a video of some snotty-nosed children making square flakes. It ends with a kid saying "Don't cry..." Then all the kids say, "CRAFT!" Phil closes the letter.
"I'm cringing so hard right now," I say. That video was a complete joke and yet it's become a meme, like me. Phil once again laughs at me. "I'm just a poor meme, nobody loves me."
"It's your legacy, Dan. Accept it," Phil says.
"I have. This is my life now," I say ironically laughing.
“Lets try going outside." He says.
"But we don't even go outside in our universe." I complain.
"Come on, Dan." He says walking out the door. I follow him outside.
“Oh, wow this is like so fake. Like more than the inside." I say as we walk around.
"Phil! Dan!" A shovel calls out. Of course it does.
"You're here!" Says a pail.
"What do you want, Shovel, Pail?" I say.
"We want to show you our new dances!" the pail says. How it can dance, I have no idea.
"Let’s see it then!" Phil says enthusiastically. I smile. Phil is one of those people who is meant to have children. He's a child himself really. It's actually quite endearing.
The shovel and pail hop to the left then hop to the right. They switch places twice. They lean backwards then forwards. They move towards each other, then apart from each other before shovel jumps on top of pail. They are better dancers than we are. That's for sure.
"Do you want to do it with us?" Shovel ask.
"We can try." Phil says.
"Phil, I don't think we're that coordinated." I say laughing.
"Dan, if we can do friendship yoga, than we can do this." He says smiling.
"Let’s try then. I guess. Show us what to do." I say. They show us a few more times; then try to do it with us. "So left. right. Change places." I say while we do the steps awkwardly. "Do it again. Back. forward. Close. Apart."
"Now I jump in your arms." Phil states.
"No nononoPhil. Don't-" I say in vain as he puts his arms around my shoulder jumping into my arms bridal style. I barely catch him groaning. "Phil, get off me. I'm about to drop you." He gets off me. I breath heavily. "That is too much exercise!" I yell. He laughs.
“Is he ok?" Shovel asks Phil.
"He just needs to lie down." Phil says, "Come on, Dan." Phil guides me back into the house, which is now conveniently a bit shorter, to the bedroom. I get onto the bed exhausted. Ok, laugh a me all you want to. We had to try that thing like 10 times. Also, you try catching 6' 2" man-child in your arms. Phil is laughing at me.
"Next time, I jump in your arms!" I say seriously. He laughs.
“Let’s go find you a computer so you don't go through withdraw." He says.
"I don't think there's Internet. I'm not getting service on my phone." I say.
“Get up." He says dragging me off the bed by my arms. I sigh over-dramatically.
"Fine." I say. He smiles and laughs. I return the actions. At least I got stuck in this mess with Phil, and not by myself. We walk around hoping to find a computer. Then we see it.
"It's a computer and a clue." Phil says.
“How convenient." I say, "let me draw it this time." I sit down in the chair in front of the computer. "Yup. I was right. There is no Internet. This thing is a useless dinosaur."
"Click on the school emoji" Phil says. I do so.
"Bur bur buuur!" Blue barks and goes inside the computer.
"She's scadooed!" Phil exclaims.
"She's what?" I say.
"Blue's scadooed. We can too." He sings grabbing my arm.
"Phil, what are you d-aahhhhhhh were gonna die! Phil, it's been nice knowing you!" I say as we're being thrown by some unknown force. Suddenly we land roughly. I grab onto Phil trying to keep my balance but only manage to bring him down with me as I fall. He falls on top of me crushing my legs. I groan.
“Owww. This is why I never leave the house." I say. Phil gets off of me.
"I'm in pain," Phil says.
"You-You're in pain?! You fell on top of me!" I yell as we slowly get up.
“It still hurt," he says. I sigh.
"Bur bu bur!" Blue barks bouncing to our left.
"I think we're supposed to follow her," Phil says. I roll my eyes following her. I follow him. There is way too much following going on especially since we're following a fucking magical blue dog. She walks to the corner of the school room to see a little brown-haired boy sitting alone in the corner. So this must be me in kindergarten. lol.
“Bur bur bur?" She barks to him. He looks up shyly. Yup definitely me.
"I-I-I'm really shy," he says looking towards the other students longingly. I frown. This hit a bit close to home. I crouch down to him. Phil does the same.
"Hey," I say softly, "Do you want to play with the others?" He nods. "But you're scared." He nods again. "When I was your age and actually till I was about 18," I glance at Phil. "I was the same way. I didn't know how to make friends,"
"Me either," he says softly.
“I eventually learned though. This is my best friend, Phil," I say. Phil waves. "He is there when I'm happy and when I'm sad. But I didn't know him until I tried to talk to him. It was a bit weird at first, but once I decided to be myself, I liked me and so did he. I know you're shy and scared, but if you just try to talk to one person and be yourself, I think you'll feel happier and less sad," He looks at me with hopeful eyes. I smile. "Go on. Talk to someone.” He stands up and slowly walk to a boy with black hair. I smile standing up. He's trying to find his Phil. Phil looks at me as he stands up too.
“I feel like that's you and me in another universe," he says.
"I'm sure it probably is," I say. I sometimes wonder what it would have been like if I had met Phil earlier. I would've been happier then for sure, but would it had lost that magic from me meeting him as AmazingPhil? Would I be as grateful to have him as my best friend, or would I take him for granted? I sigh.
"I don't know, Dan. What I do know is that we're best friends now, and that I couldn't be more happy," Phil says. I look at him realizing that I had said all of that out loud. "It's ok. We all know you have that mumbling thing," he says smirking. I just hug him. I don't know why. We don't do it a lot. I just feel the need to. He wraps his arms around me as well. No one speaks. We don't need words. We know what the other is thinking. Once we pull away, I see a clue.
“Clue," I say pointing to a sleeping child.
"Dan, don't point it's impolite," Phil scolds. I draw a stick figure sleeping.
“That’s about as good as it gonna get,” I say writing “sleeping child” under the drawing.
“We need to go to the thinking chair," he says.
“Wait, does that mean we have to go back through that wormhole of death again?" I say.
"Dan, you're being over-dramatic," he says. I am NOT.
“No. I'm just being protective over my own life," I say completely reasonably. Phil rolls his eyes
"Come on," Phil says taking my arm. We ‘scadoo,’ and I only scream like 4 times. We both land on our feet this times. It's not as bumpy. Idk why. I hear music.
"Phil, is there always music at this point in the show?" I ask.
"Yes. We just have to sit in the chair," Phil says.
“We can't both fit in that chair," I says.
"Then sit on my lap. I'll be like Santa, and you'll be the child that I'm giving a gift to," he says. It’s times like this why I wonder why he’s allowed to fucking talk.
"No. Phil, that sounds really weird. " I say, "I'll sit down since I've had a really long day, and you can sit on the arm of the chair,"
"That's fine," Phil says. He's so considerate...I'm not. Eh, it's fine. We sit down.
“Now what?" I ask.
"Now we say the clues we have out loud and figure out the answer to the question," Phil says.
"You mean the question of how the hell we get out of here?" I clarify.
“Yeah,"
“Ok, um we have a turkey baster, a computer, and a sleeping child. What the hell? What could the answer possibly be?"
"I don't know but it sure SUCKS," Phil says grinning like an idiot. I give him a blank stare.
“Did you just?"
"Cause a turkey baster sucks and-"
"Just stop,"
"Ok," he says frowning. He needs to think about what he's done and just stop with the pun-
"WAIT!" I say having an epiphany, "It sucks! Computer! Sleeping!"
“Dan, what are you on about?" He says,
"We're fucking asleep, Phil!" I yell
"Awww, Does this mean I don't get to remember this?" He says.
“Dude, you're just a figment of my imagination," I say.
"Then how did you know the facts about Blue's Clues that you didn't know before?" Phil asks
"I don't know," I say. He's got a point, but I don't care. "But, I'm gonna take a chance here," I braise myself. I slap myself really hard.
“Oww!" I yell.
“It didn't work," Phil says, "but we are in a different place."