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L.A. December 2019
Christmas used to be his favorite holiday. Days full of white powder snow and drinking hot chocolate with Maddie, watching Christmas movies past midnight while on school break. Even in the SEALs they had their own little traditions. His team was tighter than most, a unit that was truly a family. If they could, they'd get each other small gifts. When they couldn’t because of missions, they’d make each other gifts. Buck tended to make figurines out of paracord. Kelly found ways to make everyone personal fireworks. (that man was a menace) Steve would write goofy Christmas cards and find a way to watch Die Hard with them. And Nate. Nate drew. Each team member got a drawing from him for Christmas. They were usually just pencil on decent drawing paper, but they were the most beautiful, heartfelt gifts Evan had ever received.
The best gift he ever got though, came a few weeks before Christmas in 2013. They had a month leave and they had Christmas off for the first time since he and Nate started dating. Kelly went to Chicago and Steve went to Hawai’i, but Evan and Nate were going to California. Nate’s parents weren’t great, but his grandparents absolutely adored him. They loved him for who he was. So they went to see Nate’s grandparents in LA.
Before the team split to their separate terminals, they exchanged the gifts they already had. Evan gave out his paracord creations, Kelly gave out candy bars he bought at the airport, Steve gave out his cards, and Nate gave out his drawings. He saved Evan’s for last. It was a drawing of his favorite picture of them. Kelly had taken it when they’d been coming back to base after a mission, a little beaten and battered. Nate and Evan were side by side in the back of the helicopter, Evan fully asleep on his shoulder with their hands intertwined.
When they landed at LAX, Nate’s Nanna and Pop-pop were waiting for them with open arms to take them home. As they settled into the guest room they were staying in, Evan took a closer look at the drawing Nate had given him. That was when he noticed their name-plates. “Buckley-Moore”. Nate was already watching him when he looked up.
“Buckley-Moore?” Evan said, a little breathless. “Did you just propose to me?”
Nate dug a box out of his pocket and opened it.
There were two simple black bands resting in it, a matching set.
“Will you marry me, Evan Buckley?” Evan tackled him in a hug before he even finished asking, burying his face in his neck before stepping back and kissing him. Nate smiled down at him, “What do you say, Ev? Are we in this forever?”
“Yes! Nate! Yes!” he replied. “God, I love you so fucking much.”
“I love you too, Ev. More than I know how to say.”
That was the best month of leave he had during his whole career. Don’t Ask Don’t Tell had been repealed two years prior, and even though there was still plenty of homophobia in the military, their unit was small. They’d all known they’d been dating for a little over a year at that point, and their team was supportive. Shovel talks notwithstanding.
They ended up having a courthouse ceremony the week after they got to Los Angeles with Nanna and Pop-pop as their witnesses. They’d had a bigger celebration with their team and more family months later, a summer wedding in LA.
But now, six years later, this time before Christmas was grief-riddled. This was the third year of Evan going through those memories alone. In a fireproof box in his nightstand, lived some of his most precious items. Nate’s dog tags with their wedding rings on its chain and all of the drawings Nate had given him, his proposal drawing on the top of the stack.
He glanced at the clock. 1700. When it read a little blurry, he realized he’d been crying. He was holding the dog tags and rings like a rosary. He wasn’t Catholic, but he’d seen enough of his comrades with their rosaries to know exactly how he looked right now. Those tags and rings were his lifeline, holding him together in a way he hadn’t needed in months.
He was breaking down. Maybe Carla could help him calm down? That’s what she’d done his first two years in LA. Steve had hired her to look after Evan, knowing that he would be struggling back in his husband’s home city without extra support. She had kept him alive during the worst of his depressive episodes, making sure he had food that he was actually eating, clean clothes to wear, and that he was generally taking care of himself. More than once she’d forced him out of bed and made him take a shower and brush his teeth. Turned out that being alone in the City of Angels while your other half was 6 feet under in a military cemetery was really fucking shitty. Thank God Steve knew him well enough to make sure he had the help he needed.
So, he called Carla. “Hey Buck, what’s up?” She answered after the second ring.
“I- I- Carla. I miss him.” his voice cracking more than he expected.
“Oh, Buck. I know you do, baby. What do you need?”
“I- I- I don’t know.”
“Ok, Buck. You sound like you’re really struggling right now, but I’m with Chris tonight. Eddie’s on shift until 8:00 so I’m with him until I drop him off at school tomorrow. Do you want to come over to Eddie’s?” she asked.
“I- uh. I think I’m ok for now. I think I’ll try to get some sleep.”
“Ok. Let me know if that changes. Ok sweetie?”
“I will Carla. Thanks.”
“Good night.”
“Good night.” he says, ending the call. He really could use being around someone right now, but he won’t risk waking Chris with his grief breakdown. Instead, he sits on his bed, clutching his husband’s dog tags and their wedding rings. He just stares into the distance, unable to stop the flashbacks and relives the best and worst days of his life on a loop, crying until he can’t anymore.
When he realized his breathing had calmed, he snapped out of his daze. He checked the clock again. 0400. He’d zoned out for nearly six hours. He knew any sleep he’d get would be worse than what he’s experiencing now. Slipping the dog tags over his head, he went to his bathroom and rinsed his face with cold water to help ground him in the present. It was late enough now, he could go visit Nate and watch the sunrise with him, without people thinking he was a ghost hunter or something. He put on a fresh pair of jeans, a clean LAFD shirt, and slipped on his vans. He kept the dog tags on, unable to imagine taking them off right now. Keys and water bottle in hand, he got in his jeep and drove to the cemetery. A glance at the clock. 0500. Early enough in the day for it to be semi-acceptable to be out. He parked in his usual spot and walked to his spot by Nate’s grave. It’d been his spot since the day after the funeral, before he left for Hawai’i, where he sat until security kicked him out. The plain white headstone was sitting the same as ever in the green grass of the cemetery. Looking at it then, he could only remember how Nate’s service to his country was the reason Evan lost him. The headstone read:
Nathan Buckley-Moore.
CPO.
US Navy.
1990-2016.
Beloved brother, grandson, and husband.
In the pre-dawn quiet of the cemetery, Evan talked to Nate. He talked about how much he missed him. Gave him updates on the 118 crew, updates on his leg. He even talked about Eddie and Chris. And about the guilt and fear he feels over his feelings for Eddie. Updates on Kelly and his mess of a lovelife. Updates on Steve and Danny. Updates on Jay and his partner Hailey. There was definitely something going on there, they just hadn’t figured it out yet. He talked about the documentary he watched last week about Jane Goodall and her work with chimpanzees and her vision of hope for the world. When he ran out of things to talk about, he just sat in easy silence. The sun was just starting to come up and he watched the sunrise in the serenity of the cemetery. When the sun was fully up, he told Nate “I love you forever. I’ll be back soon.” and walked back to the jeep.
Buck needed to be around people. Needed to be in the presence of someone alive that cared. So he drove to Eddie’s. Not really thinking about the implications of that action, his need for comfort outweighing all of his hesitations and anxieties. When he pulled in the driveway next to Eddie’s truck, he could tell Carla and Chris were just about to leave for school.
He got out and walked to the door just as Chris was leaving.
“Buck!!” Chris squealed.
“Hey buddy! I’ve missed you!” Buck said, catching the young boy in his arms as Chris ran in for a hug. “I think you have to go to school, bud. We don’t want to keep Carla waiting do we?”
“No. Ms. Carla gets grumpy when we’re running late” Chris replied.
“Exactly. Ok, have a great day at school, yeah?”
“I will!” Chris exclaimed before clambering into Carla’s car.
Carla was watching him from the walkway. As he walked towards the house, she pulled him into a warm, understanding hug. “Hey” she said softly. “I’m glad you’re here. I didn’t want you to be alone today. I think it’s time you talk to him, Buck. You need it.”
He looked down solemnly. “That’s part of why I’m here I think.”
Carla gave him another hug before saying “You’ve got this, kid. I’m here for you, no matter what happens, ok?”
“I know. Thanks, Carla.”
Buck finally turned back to the house, where Eddie was watching him from the front steps. Eddie looked concerned, he looked Buck over as if checking for injuries from a distance.
“Buck? You ok?” Eddie asked, his concern clear in his tired voice.
“No. Not really.”
“Come in. Can I get you a coffee or something? Toast maybe?”
“Uh yeah… I’d love some coffee. Toast would probably be a good idea too.” Buck replied.
Buck followed Eddie into the kitchen, grabbing a mug from the cabinet and the butter from the fridge. He put a pat of butter into his mug and poured his coffee. It wasn’t his go to coffee anymore, but it provided more comfort than he cared to admit on days like today.
“Bulletproof coffee today?” Eddie asked lightly, his concern barely masked.
“Yeah. Today’s not gonna be easy for me Eds. I need every ounce of help I can get.”
“Why? What’s going on? You know you can talk to me about anything, right?”
“Yeah. I do.This is just hard for me to talk about. I want to tell you. I’m going to tell you, but it’s a lot.”
“Ok. I’ll make us some toast and then we can take this to the couch.”
“Ok.”
Eddie finished their toast with butter and jam (grape for Buck and blackberry for Eddie) and headed to the living room where Buck was already curled up in the corner. He handed Buck his toast and sat next to him, enough space to be comfortable, but close enough to cuddle if needed.
“Thanks, Eds.”
“Take your time, Buck. I’m here.”
“I don’t really know where to start.” he said, fidgeting with the dog tags around his neck.
“Start with those maybe?” Eddie says softly, pointing to the tags and rings hanging around Buck’s neck. Eddie’s pretty sure he’s never seen Buck wear his dog tags or a ring, so he’s confused, to say the least.
“Oh. Uhm. Yeah. Almost forgot I was wearing these.” Buck continued to fidget while Eddie let him get his thoughts together. Whatever was going on is definitely related to his time in the SEALs, and he knows it can be hard to talk about their service. “So, you know I was in the SEALs right? You patched me up once after I got shot.”
“Yeah. I know that. We can talk about the gunshot wound thing later though.” Eddie said, a little confused.
“I joined the Navy when I was 17. I was a SEAL by 19. I got assigned to my team a little before my 20th birthday. There were 7 of us on my squad. My CO was Commander Steve McGarrett, aka Smooth Dog.”
“Oh, shit.” Eddie whispered. He remembered intaking those three SEALs that night, but he didn’t stop to process exactly who he’d been talking to.
“So you know of him then. Yeah, that was my team. Steve’s like a dad to me. Anyway, it was Steve, Me, Kelly “ Char” Severide who you met a couple months ago, Ellie “Red” McCall, Luis “Rooster” Rodriguez, Brentley “Pine” Woods, and Nathan “Fox” Moore. There’s only three of us left from that original team. Steve went into the reserves in 2013 so we had different COs for the last 3 years. Our last mission went FUBAR way faster than we thought it might. We lost Red and Rooster when a bomb went off in the building we were extracting a hostage from.We lost Pine and Nate in the firefight that followed.” Buck took a minute to breathe and clear the thickness from his throat. “Sorry. I haven’t told anyone about this in years.”
“It’s ok. I’m not gonna push. You know that.”
“Yeah. I do, thanks. Uhmm, so I’ll back up a little bit from there. I was the youngest on the team, next to Nate. He was two years older than me. Nate was our sniper. When I first joined the team, they wanted me to learn their dynamics, so they had me as his spotter for a while. We were fast friends. Pretty soon we were inseparable. I’m not sure when it happened exactly, but we both knew we had something deeper than just friendship or brotherhood with each other. DADT was repealed the same year I joined the team. I know not much changed in a lot of the military immediately, but our team was small. Always with a flair for the dramatic, after I had a close call on an extraction, when we were back on the plane, Nate chewed me out. Later that night he came to me to apologize, he knew that what we did was dangerous and he let it get to him. He kept apologizing until I kissed him. He kissed me back, thankfully. I was going to hate my life if he hadn’t.
I took a chance because I was pretty sure he was freaking out because he had feelings for me. I was right, and that was great because I knew I liked him a lot. I was probably already in love with him at that point.” He looked at Eddie to see how he was reacting. He was just listening, and maybe a little sad, but not angry, which was good. Buck continued “After that first kiss, we started dating. We were able to keep it under wraps for a few weeks, but we all lived in each others’ pockets so the others found out pretty quick. Everyone was on board with it, even Steve. He saw how we balanced each other in and out of the field. This was March of 2012. We kept dating for a while. We wanted to wait until we knew any higher command wouldn’t be against us before we got married. Six years ago, this week, Nate proposed. We got married a week later, in a small courthouse ceremony, here in LA while we were on leave. It was the first Christmas we spent together on leave. It was my first Christmas on leave since being in the SEALs. We stayed with his grandparents that lived here in LA. They were our witnesses. God, they loved us so much, even when both our parents didn’t. So, yeah we got married in December 2013. We had a proper ceremony with our team a few months later. Maddie didn’t know. Still doesn’t. The only reason she knows I was in the SEALs is because I still keep in touch with Kelly and Jay. Nathan Buckley-Moore died April 26th, 2016. These’ Buck shook the dog tags ‘are his tags and our rings. I don’t take them out very often anymore, but this week is hard.” Buck finished, clearly emotionally drained.
Eddie pulled Buck close so that he could lean into his chest. Buck stayed quiet, curled into his chest, trying to keep his breathing even.
“Thanks for telling me.”
“You’re not mad I didn’t tell you? Even back in Afghanistan?” Buck asked, barely audible.
Eddie huffed a laugh. “No, Evan. I’m not mad. Though that interaction makes more sense to me now. I could never be mad at you for this. You had a husband who you loved dearly who was killed in action. I can’t imagine how much that hurt. How much that still hurts. I’m just grateful you let me in.” Buck completely melted at that. “I’m here for you Buck, all of you. That includes your grief and trauma just as much as it includes your happiness and love.” Buck shook as he clung to Eddie, and Eddie felt his shirt become damp with tears. “Have you slept recently?” Eddie asks, because Buck looked absolutely wrecked, physically and emotionally. Buck just shook his head, indicating that he had, in fact, not slept.
“Come on, let’s get you to bed.” Eddie dragged him to his room and offered him a pair of sweats and another shirt if he wanted it. He sat on the edge of the bed while he let Buck change.
“Thanks, Eds.”
“Anytime.”
Buck went to the side of the bed opposite of Eddie and laid down. Eddie got up to leave.
“Stay?” a quiet plea from Buck “Please?”
“Of course.”
Eddie laid down next to Buck and pulled him in, Buck’s head on his chest. They both knew this wasn’t best friend behavior, but that was a conversation for later. Right then, all they needed was sleep and each other.